Just a Fly on the Wall...

Hi.

I have a very important announcement.

This Saturday, November 9th, I'll be at the Philadelphia Bike Expo, Philadelphia's premiere Bicycle Cycling Exposition:

You could leave with a free hat courtesy of the milliners over there in the right-hand margin, and I may even have some blinky lights from the blinky light people to give away too, so be there or be somewhere else.

And, well, that's the announcement.

So did you go bicycle cycling this weekend?  I did, and at one point I emerged from the woods into a clearing and came upon this, which scared the shit out of me:

Though they were probably more scared of me than I was of them, because I was wearing a suit of those "New Road" clothes from Giro.  See, Giro sent me a whole box of clothing to try for some reason, and yesterday seemed as good a day as any, since my plan was to ride for a handful of hours and then go straight to the New York City Marathon where I had plans to cheer on a friend.  Here's how Giro describes this stuff:

But modern riders demand clothes that work the way they ride, clothes for the road, trail, path and park—sometimes all in the same day. 

Well, I was going to be riding on the trail, and the path, and the road, and then I was going to be standing around in the cold in the middle of Manhattan, and I was going to be doing it all in the same day, so the Giro "New Road" clothing would appear to be the perfect choice.

Anyway, having spent most of yesterday wearing this stuff, I found some of it to be excellent, and some of it to be not so excellent.  However, I will refrain from going into specifics until such time as I've had more trail/path/road experiences with all of these garments.

I will say, though, that the "bib undershort" is patently absurd:

Basically, it's a bib short complete with chamois and all the rest of it, but it's designed specifically to be worn under "regular" shorts or pants or what have you.  To that end, it is equipped with a fly:

Okay, let's talk about the fly.  Most men's underpants come with a fly.  Now, by show of hands, how many men out there ever use that fly?

Yeah, this freak, and maybe one other freak in the back.  That's it.  The rest of us just pull the waistband down and do the "Kilroy," which has worked since time immemorial:

Given this, why take a perfectly good pair of bib shorts and ruin them with a fly?  All the fly serves to do is prevent you from ever wearing them on their own, whereas there's absolutely nothing keeping you from wearing the fly-less bib shorts you already have under a pair of regular shorts if you want to hang around after the ride without everyone seeing the outline of your phallus.

Basically, what the "bib undershort" amounts to is a $180 pair of underpants.

Sure, it's not KuKu Penthouse crazy, but it's crazy nonetheless.

I'll also add that those of us who have been riding bikes for a long time know that when your bib shorts get too worn or translucent to ride in you relegate them to under-the-pants commuting duty anyway.

This is the natural order of things, and I don't know what gives Giro the hubris that they think they can change it.

(I do fervently hope though that one day I will see an unwitting Fred wearing the Giro "bib undershort" by itself, the same way you'll sometimes see them wearing their bibs over their jerseys.)

Anyway, after rambling around in the countryside I headed "downtown" to the marathon, and as I waited for my friend I saw one of the runners drop to his knees and propose to his girlfriend, complete with ring and bouquet, which caused every woman within a five-block radius to burst into tears:

As for me, I didn't cry, nor did I surreptitiously fondle myself via the fly of my Giro New Road Bib Undershorts, because I'm made from stronger stuff than that.

Speaking of dubious "innovations," SRAM wants all their hydrolic dick and rim breaks back, because it turns out they suck:

SRAM has asked frame manufacturers to stop selling bikes fitted with recent models of RED22 and S700 Hydro Road brakes over a safety issue.

This really shouldn't make me happy, but it totally does.

Good thing I'm not wearing the Giro New Road Bib Undershorts.

Indeed, between that and Mad Fiber going out of business, it's certainly a sad day for Freds:

Seattle-based Mad Fiber developed a reputation for developing a novel approach to wheel-building. Their first road wheelset weighed 1075g.

Just when it seemed there was no bottom to the market for gimmicky wheelsets costing thousands of dollars, Mad Fiber managed to find it.

Lastly, here in New York City we're about to elect a new mayor, and The New York Times may well have found the most confused guy in Brooklyn:

Leon Katz, 78, brother to Ms. Ventre and Dr. Grossman’s uncle, said the leeway given to bicyclists, along with their lawlessness, had gotten out of control.

“New York has become pedestrian-unfriendly,” Mr. Katz said. “The sidewalks are blocked by scaffolding and vendors. You step out and you wind up in a bike lane. It’s almost impossible now to walk.”

So Mr. Katz is upset because when you walk into a freaking bike lane you are likely to encounter bicyclists, who kill slightly more than zero pedestrians a year.

Yeah, cyclists should be much more responsible, like motorists:


Putz.

He should call Delia Ephron and ask her out.

BSNYC Friday Flat Fix Tutorial At The Local Bike Co-Op!

First of all, thank you very much for indulging me yesterday while I didn't blog.  I'm pleased to announce my Halloween was a tremendous success.  First, I spent the morning getting into my fat suit for my Rob Ford (or, if you prefer, "Ian") costume:


Wow, that guy really needs to switch to decaf.

Decaf crack.

Get it?  Because crack.

Then, I hired a babysitter to watch my kid while I went out trick or treating.  The worst part of trick or treating as an adult is that people try to give you candy, but I'm all like, "Fuck that, make me a sandwich."  Then they're like, "What kind of sandwich?" so we go back and forth, and they have bologna but not turkey, or they have white bread but not rye, and inevitably I lose my patience and barge into the kitchen and do it all myself.

What, you can't stop at the deli on the way home?

Actually, I'm surprised adult trick or treating hasn't become "a thing" in Brooklyn yet.  It seems like a perfect opportunity for douchebag foodies to go from house to house sampling each other's experiments in home pickling and seasonal aioli.

In other news, 2012 Giro d'Italia winner Ryder Hesjedal has admitted to doping:

Between this and the confirmation of the Rob Ford crack video it's certainly a difficult week to be a Canadian, but Hesjedal wants you to know this was all in the past and that you shouldn't hold it against him:

“I have loved and lived this sport but more than a decade ago, I chose the wrong path,” Hesjedal said in a statement released by his current team, Garmin-Sharp. “And even though those mistakes happened more than 10 years ago, and they were short-lived, it does not change the fact that I made them and I have lived with that and been sorry for it ever since.

He then went on to say:

"Oh, yes, I'm so sorry I doped more than a decade ago, which is conveniently two years past the eight-year statute of limitations on doping offenses.  Did I mention this was more than a decade ago, as well as more than 10 years ago, and that a decade is 10 years?  Yeah, they're the same, 10 years and a decade, wasn't sure if you knew that.  And whatever you call it, it's way more than eight years.  You could also call 10 years a generation, or even a tenth of a century if that makes it sound longer.

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry I was part of the 'dark past' of cycling.  So what's this 'dark past?'  Well, it's a bit of a moving target really, but suffice to say it's the period immediately preceding the current statute of limitations.  Coincidentally though we all cleaned up just a little over eight years ago, and the sport's all better now.  That's why I was able to win the Giro d'Italia.  I swear on Jonathan Vaughters's sideburns.

"Also, I was totally going to tell the public earlier, but it slipped my mind until this Rasmussen book came out, and I'd like to thank him for reminding me."

Good for you, Ryder Hesjedal.  Thanks for your bravery and honesty.

Lastly, it's been almost a week since Lou Reed died, and the media is getting desperate for stories:

One time Lou, Howard and I rode down 22 floors in the fully mirrored small elevator together. 

Wait, that's it?  You were in an elevator with Lou Reed once?  Who cares?  Why was this even published?  HE WAS IN MY FUCKING DOG OBEDIENCE CLASS, FOR CHRISSAKE!  But you don't see me blabbing to the Times about it.

I mean, sure, I blab about it here, but this is my blog, and nobody reads this shit anyway.

(That's the fucking dog he brought!!!)

I've about had it up to here [indicates forehead] with everybody goddamn it, so get the hell outta my driveway.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right that's great but try to get over yourself goddamn it, and if you're wrong you'll see the next must-have gravel bike accessory.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and remember, kids: crack is wack.


--Wildcrack Rock Machine

(An improperly installed valve cap.)

1) When installing a valve cap, always tighten by turning:

--Clockwise
--Counter-clockwise
--Neither clockwise nor counterclockwise as they are a press-fit system
--Do not attempt to service your own valve caps, as they have exact torque specifications and should only be handled by a professional mechanic with shop-quality tools

2) What is this man doing?

--Shouting "Not again!" because his bike has been stolen
--Dropping a watermelon on his friend's head
--Indicating the size of his "schvantz" to a passing female in an attempt to entice her upstairs for coitus
--"The Robot"

(A giraffe.)

3) A giraffe is:

--An ungulate
--An undulate
--An unguent
--Delicious

("The male Eurotrash puts his genitals in here...")

4) These two men are explaining a pair of $500 cycling shorts which feature a bag for your penis and testicles so you can hang them out in the breeze while you ride.

--True
--False

5) "It's a bird!  It's a plane!  It's..."

--"Portrait Man!"
--"Sketch Dude!"
--"Olive Loaf!"
--"The Second Annual Portland 'Breaking Bad' Theme Ride!"

6) In Portland, crabon bikes literally grow on trees.

--True
--False

7) David Hotard is the inventor of:

--The Hotard
--The Leotard
--The idiotic prosumertarded Fred commuter bike with a washing machine for a front wheel, sponsored by SRAM, who are now evidently in the business of throwing their money away
--The "Winky Dinky Ho Cake"

***Special Art and Culture-Themed Bonus Question (Not Safe For Work If You Work In The 19th Century)***

The statute of limitations on pornography is 75 years, after which it automatically becomes art.

--True
--False

It's Wednesday! Live, Damn You, Live!!!

Firstly, there will be no post tomorrow, Thursday, October 31st, but there will be one on Friday.

If you need to know why I'll be absent tomorrow, it's because my Halloween costume is a guy who doesn't have a blog.

Well, either that or Kim Jong-un, I haven't decided:

But either way, you can't blog in North Korea, so no matter which costume I pick I'm going to have to refrain from posting.

Secondly, let it not be said that this blog isn't a great repository of technical wisdom, for further to yesterday's post the commenter known as "Recumbent Conspiracy Theorist" posted this:

"A Comprehensive Comment About How To Remove And Install Your Valve Caps"

1. Insure that your bicycle is placed on a flat clean area preferably a paved surface. It may be necessary to support your bicycle by its kickstand or suitable workstand if available. Performing valve cap maintenance while under the influence of drugs or alcohol may result in injury. Always wear safety glasses when working around compressed air. 

2. Locate the valve stem.
Beginning at either the front or rear wheel of the bicycle locate the valve stem. It may be necessary to rotate the wheel slightly to gain access to the valve stem. If at first the wheel appears to not have a valve stem do not panic. continue to rotate until the valve becomes visible. It is often obscured by the chainstay or seatstay tubes in the rear or the fork legs in front.

3. Remove Valve Cap.
Valve stems are configured in one of two ways. Department store and children's bicycles most often use larger diameter Schrader valves. Performance oriented bicylces such as road racing, touring and competition mountain bikes commonly employ narrower Presta valves. As far as the scope of this comment is concerned it should be noted that the operation of the valve cap is the same regardless of stem type. Valve caps may be colored plastic; most often black but other colors such as red, pink and gray may be encountered. Caps may be anodized aluminum or other metals even dice caps can be seen in a variety of colors. Again the shape, color or material of a valve cap makes no difference in its operation. The valve cap is located at the top of the valve stem closest to the hub. 

Note: Commit this simple rhyme to memory so you can always be sure as to which direction to rotate a valve cap: "Lefty-Loosey Righty-Tighty"

Grasp the valve cap between the thumb and index finger and gently twist counter-clockwise to loosen. Continue to rotate the cap until it is removed from the stem.

At this point any stem or tire maintenance such as thread polishing, tube or tire change or inflation/ deflation can be carried out. Repeat the above procedure for the remaining wheel(s).

4. Install Valve Cap.

Note: If using Presta valves be sure thumbscrew is tightened down firmly against the end of the stem body. Failure to seat the thumbscrew fully can result in loss of air pressure and prevent the valve cap from fully engaging the threads of the stem body. Schrader valves are spring loaded and no additional steps are required for cap installation on these types of valves.

To install valve caps simply follow the procedure outlined in step 3 in reverse order. Again remember "Lefty-Loosey Righty-Tighty" and installation of your valve caps will be trouble free. Gently rotate the cap onto the valve stem and twist in a clockwise direction. Continue to turn the cap down until resistance is felt. Tighten the cap finger tight only. The soft plastic threads of the common valve cap can be easily stripped from excessive force. Metal valve caps may be tightened to higher torque values.

October 29, 2013 at 1:48 PM 

Suck on that, Lennard Zinn.

By the way, I'm pleased to report that I followed these instructions and they do indeed work.  Now I have the confidence to perform this daunting maintenance task myself, which is going to save me hundreds of dollars a year, since until now I've been bringing my bike into the shop for this.*

Granted, I'll still need them to put air in the tire for me, but once I've truly mastered the valve cap thing I may attempt actual inflation next.

*Also, it turns out most of my bikes actually don't have valve caps, which means I've been riding without them, which means I'm very lucky to be alive.

In other news, yesterday my bicycle commute took me through three (3) of New York City's boroughs, after which I came to the following conclusion:

People are fucking idiots.

I mean really, just total fucking morons.  It's tempting to try to say one particular group is dumber than another (for the sake of argument, let's just say drivers), and it's also tempting to say one particular type of driver is dumber than another (I'm looking at you, Presbyterians), but all of that is ultimately counterproductive, and it makes much more sense to lump every single road user into one of two groups:

1) People who are trying to kill themselves;
2) People who are trying to kill someone else.

Then there's me.  I don't fall into either of these groups, because I am a solipsist.  Specifically, I am a metaphysical solipsist:

Based on a philosophy of subjective idealism, metaphysical solipsists maintain that the self is the only existing reality and that all other reality, including the external world and other persons, are representations of that self, and have no independent existence

In layman's terms, this is called "being a New Yorker."

Anyway, I know I'm the only person who really exists because it seems like every other cyclist in the world is so uncertain of his or her own existence that they must constantly confirm it by means of social networking apps such as Strava--although sometimes even that's not enough and you just need a minivan with a cameraman hanging out of it:

I have a feeling someone's about to launch a Kickstarter campaign:

I also have a feeling that the video for this Kickstarter campaign will have me in the background, and that it will consequently fail because I am an albatross.  (And a solipsistic one at that.)

Speaking of Kickstarter, for awhile the "cool" thing to do was to invent the perfect bike light.  Then it was all about the perineum-saving saddles.  Now, the hot new trend is socially-networked electronic smartphone-activated bike locks.  Last Wednesday we saw the "Bitlock," and this Wednesday I'm pleased to introduce you to the failed play on words/numbers that is the "Lock8," which I assume is supposed to sound like "lock" and "locate," but is only one "T" away from "lactate:"



You know how it is--you go to the window to gaze lovingly at your bike, only to find it gone:

A clipped lock all you have to remember it by:

So you raise your hands heavenward and cry out:

"Not again!"

Yes, again, you putz.  Why not just bring the bike inside?

Well, why do that when you can reinvent the bike lock?

"Bicycle locks today are really old-fashioned.  They're heavy, poorly-designed, and have terrible value for money."

Bicycle locks are not old-fashioned.  They are timeless.  It's tying one thing to another thing, and it doesn't get much simpler than that.  Saying a good quality bike chain is "poorly-designed" is like saying a drinking cup is poorly designed and then launching a Kickstarter for some form of smartphone-controlled anal rehydration device.  Sure, a good lock has some heft, but they're really only as heavy as the rider is weak, and they're only as poorly-designed as the rider is stupid.  Yes, sometimes thieves actually get through good locks, but mostly your bike gets stolen because you did something dumb, like locked it to a bamboo stalk or left it unlocked for a second while you ran in for one of those hardboiled eggs they used to sell at the register at the corner deli before gentrification.

But no, it's 2013, and your phone is now the solution to all your problems:

"Imagine John could take out his smartphone and locate his bike while the thief is on the run."

Okay, yeah, let's imagine that.  Well, one of two things is going to happen:

1) John will tell a cop, who won't give a shit;

or

2) John will confront the thief, who will bludgeon him to death with a set of bolt cutters.

Oh yeah.  Remember those primitive, poorly-designed locks?  Well, at least you can put them around pretty much any part of the bike you want--unlike the Lock8, which lives permanently in this awkward location:

But it does have an alarm:

"When the thief tries to tamper with the lock, it will trigger a painfully loud alarm."

Well, painfully loud alarms have completely eliminated car theft, so there's no reason to think a bike alarm won't be just as effective.

Oh, and of course as the thief steals your bike you'll get a text you can do absolutely nothing about:

Except leap to your feet and take off like a lunatic:

At which point the cafe manager receives a text informing him that some douchebag has just run off without paying, at which point the GPS locator in the biscotti you just ate allows him to track you, and then he catches you and beats the crap out of you--assuming you've managed to survive the bolt-cutter attack:

But wait, there's more!  You know your friend, the one who actually has a job?

Well, he'll get a text too!

If I got a text that said "John's bike might be at risk!" I'd immediately reply with the words "Tough shit, John."  Incredibly though, this guy is like, "Whuuut?"

And then he gets up and bolts like a lunatic too!

Though unfortunately he forgets to close his browser:

And when he gets back to work he finds out he's fired.

Oh, and what good is an electronically-activated bike lock if you can't share your bike?

See?  John likes to share:

(17:22? That's not even a real time!)

His friend is pleased:

And then John sends her another message:

(Hint: it's his penis.)

No biggie, she's cool with it.

So she bends over to unlock the bike:

Though she keeps the phone in position:

And fires off a shot of her own:

All this from the twisted and sick minds of these two individuals:

Appalling.  Totally appalling.

A Comprehensive Article About How To Remove And Install Your Valve Caps

Good morning!

Many years ago, where my mansion now stands, there were streams that ran through the once verdant hills and dales.  These streams have long since been buried by the civil engineers, yet they still run, and indeed when it is quiet I can hear one of them trickling along beneath the pavement and underneath my manse.  The stream, I have begun to suspect, is teeming with river sprites, and I think they may be visiting me in my sleep, because I have lots of weird dreams about naked canoeing, and when I wake up my bed is full of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups wrappers.

I'll keep you posted.

Speaking of hallucinations, this is not one:

 
The reader who spotted this did so at the so-called "Orchard Cross at Applecrest Farm," and you'll be pleased to know that representatives of PETA were waiting at the finish line, where they lovingly tranquilized the great beast with an organic sedative, loaded it into a giant crate, and returned it to its natural habitat.

By the way, the neck on that giraffe isn't UCI legal, as the rule book clearly states that the neck of an ungulate may be no longer than 1.8 meters.

Meanwhile, even stranger than river sprites and cyclocrossing giraffes was Assos's announcement that they were releasing a $500 bib short which featured a sort of "cock pouch" called the "KuKu Penthouse" which allows you to hang your junk out in the wind while you ride:

Many speculated that the proprietary Assos "dick bag" was a practical joke, but indeed it is all too real, and a reader has actually forwarded me video of someone from the company presenting the "schlong satchel" with a straight face:

  

Not only that, but he's flanked by internationally famous supermodel Assos Bib Shorts Guy:

(Yin Fred)

Arch-nemesis of the preternaturally vexed Nonplussed Bib Shorts Guy from Wikipedia:

(Yang Fred)

Actually, I'm not sure the guy in the video is the same guy from the Assos website, but it really doesn't matter, for once you've been spraypainted orange and donned the Bono glasses the Curse of the Flying Doucheman passes to you until you manage to foist it onto someone else.

In other news, they say that into each life some rain must fall, and so it goes in Portland, where the entire community has been rent asunder by the theft of a clown bike:

Last Thursday (October 24th), Portlander Aaron Brown tweeted his interaction with the suspected thief: "sketch dude just tried to sell me this freak bike for $20. When I asked him about it, he freaked + jumped on the bus." Brown snapped a photo of the guy just before he climbed onto the #4 bus headed east on SE Division at 35th. That tweet and the bike in the photo caught the eye of Matthew Rogers, who recognized the bike from a photo I took that was featured here on the front page earlier this month.

And now I'd like to introduce a new feature here on this blog called "Great Warnings of History:"

April 18th, 1775: Paul Revere rides to Lexington shouting, "The British are coming, the British are coming!"

December 4th, 1941: A memo from the Office of Naval Intelligence warns, "In anticipation of possible open conflict with this country, Japan is vigorously utilizing every available agency to secure military, naval and commercial information, paying particular attention to the West Coast, the Panama Canal and the Territory of Hawaii."

October 24th, 2013: Portlander Aaron Brown tweets, "Sketch dude just tried to sell me this freak bike for $20."

By the way, they really have their own language out there, because I had to read "sketch dude just tried to sell me this freak bike" about five times before I knew what it meant.  I mean, come on.  "Sketch dude?"  Who is that, superhero Portrait Man's sidekick?

I think comic books are stupid, but I would read the fuck out of one called The Adventures of Portrait Man.

Anyway, the people of Portland, using the same detective skills that once led them to declare some guy a NARC because he was Asian, quickly deduced that the "freak bike" in question had once appeared in a photo of some guy called Dingo Dizmal, a.k.a. Dingo the Clown:

In that photo, the same bike that appears in the photo with the alleged thief is being ridden by well-known local entertainer Dingo Dizmal (a.k.a. Dingo the Clown)...

Holy crap!  Check out the Dionysian fruit pants on Dingo!  Is that guy a satyr?

Nope.  But he is friends with the bike's owner, Olive Rootbeer, with whom he frightens the shit out of entertains children at parties:

As it turns out, the bike belongs to Dingo's friend and partner Olive Rootbeer (both of whom appear in the latest Streetfilm video about Portland's 100th bike corral). Dingo and Olive make their living by telling stories to children's groups and going balloons at events like Sunday Parkways (here they are in action in 2011).

Sorry, but that is fucking horrifying.  The only reason the kid isn't screaming is that she hasn't turned around yet.  What is "going balloons?" anyway?  There is no way I'd scare the shit out of my kid by having Dingo and Olive Rootbeer "going balloons" at his next party.  I'll just stick with paying Banksy $1.5 million to do a kid-friendly art installation for us again, like we did last year:

(Gothamist)

The other kids all cried, but mine deemed it "a hilarious yet thought-provoking comment on corporate America."

Anyway, hopefully Fruit Pants and Olive Garden get their freak bike back so they can get back to fucking with kids' heads.

Lastly, speaking of the Dionysian, here's an old Cycles Gladiator ad sent to me by another reader:

Baby got Bacchus.