Culling the Culture: Great Balls of Lips

Back in September, I mentioned that the band The Flaming Lips had put out a casting call for naked riders to appear in a music video. Naturally, they sounded this call in Portland, where people sit poised and ready to mobilize the second anybody needs anything ridiculous and cycling-related to be done. As I understand it, it works like this: Let's say, for example, an aging rock band needs to draw attention to itself inexpensively due to both the moribund state of the record industry and its own increasing hoariness. Well, this is easy to do if the band knows four things: 1) Hipsters pay attention to anything having to do with bikes; 2) Nudity always gets attention; 3) People in Portland love to ride bikes; 4) People everywhere will do anything to get attention. So what the rock band then does is notify the cycling authorities in Portland, who in turn sound a giant air raid siren that can be heard for miles on both sides of the Willamette River. Then, everyone reports to a designated area with their bicycles for debriefing. Orders can range from "Ride your bikes around dressed as Michael Jackson," to "Let's help someone move to a new apartment," to "Let's get naked to help The Flaming Lips sell music." (In this case, they were quite literally "de-briefed.") Whatever the cause, these ever-agreeable Portlanders are happy to oblige.

As it happens, a reader informs me that The Flaming Lips have already finished their video, having spent less than two months and virtually no money. (For the cast, humiliation is its own reward.) You can watch it here, but if you find The Flaming Lips's music as tedious as I do then it's my pleasure to summarize it for you instead. First, it opens with a bunch of naked people on bikes:

Then, the singer, Wayne Coyne, appears in a bubble:


Then, we see a Hairy Vagina Ball:


Next, more naked people start to emerge from the Hairy Vagina Ball:

(I suppose The Flaming Lips did have to spend some money on construction of the Hairy Vagina Ball, though even that can be done inexpensively--especially if you send a production assistant out into the cast to collect pubic hair clippings and then apply them to the Vagina Ball with a gluestick. I also regret not having been present to witness the moment when the director raised the bullhorn to his lips and asked the crowd, "OK, who wants to get inside the Hairy Vagina Ball?")

At this point, the "song" begins, though it's mostly just the suggestion of a song, since like the bubble in which Wayne Coyne is housed it never really gets more than a few feet off the ground. Here's what Coyne looks like as he disinterestedly intones the lyrics:

Eventually, the crowd starts passing the bubble around like a giant beach ball:

Finally, they stuff a naked Wayne Coyne into the Hairy Vagina Ball:

Despite my total lack of enthusiasm for The Flaming Lips's music, I have to admit that this is a formidable artistic accomplishment, since they've somehow managed to make even naked people passing into and out of a Hairy Vagina Ball seem hopelessly pedestrian and indeed barely worth watching. I suppose this is because their music is about as exciting as a big bucket of old bongwater, the spilling of which can dampen even the most animated and festive proceedings. I suppose also this is why "Do You Realize??" is now the Official Rock Song of Oklahoma. (Incidentally, I'm currently working on a rock song about burritos which I plan to send to Governor Schwarzenegger for consideration.)

Nonetheless, I can't help but perk up a bit when cycling makes a cameo in popular entertainment, even if that cameo is often awkward and embarrassing. Another reader informs me that the TV show "Castle" recently featured a plot involving a dead bike messenger. I had never seen "Castle" before, having dismissed it as yet another show featuring a main character with a domicile-themed surname à la "House." Actually, I still haven't really seen it, since I only watched the very beginning, in which the messenger dies. If you'd like, you can watch it yourself here, but essentially what happens is that a Nü-Fred stuntman who looks nothing like a bike messenger and who wears his bag on his stomach instead of on his back pulls off as "epic" a piece of bike-salmoning as any I've ever seen:

Then, his Swobo Sanchez plows into a car and he dies, at which point someone comes out of the car and steals his bag:

Who has stolen the bag, and what's in it? Will Castle be able to solve the mystery? Will he team up with House or Shaq or someone else named after a dwelling? Will there be a spin-off called "Hovel?" To find out, you'll either have to watch the show, or else just listen to The Flaming Lips, which will make you forget all about the show since it induces all the apathy of smoking the Wednesday weed but without any of that pesky "insight." ("Entertainment value" is truly a useless by-product.)

Speaking of stuffing things into other things, yet another reader has informed me that in Copenhagen (which is like Portland if it were twice as bike-friendly and four times as dour) they're so advanced when it comes to cycling that they've transcended the problem of regular bike parking and have moved on to cargo bike parking:

Yes, in Copenhagen they're building cargo bike parking while in New York City people will still tell you to "Get on the sidewalk." This is like how, during the Middle Ages, China flourished culturally while Europe was busy inventing new ways to kill people for saying the Earth revolved around the Sun. Frankly, I find reading about bike-friendly cities like Portland and Copenhagen and their ingenious little solutions highly irritating. It's like getting an excited voicemail from your friend who says, "Guess what? I finally figured out where to put all this money!" Yes, people in Copenhagen are so enlightened that, according to the post, only 2% of them are bothered by their own smugness:

Interestingly, only 2% of Copenhagen cyclists find cargo bikes irritating.

Of course, that number might fluctuate if, instead of pink cars, the city started installing Hairy Vagina Balls.

Also according to the post, in Denmark they just don't have cargo bikes; they have cargo bike culture, as you can see in this photo set:

I realize I have a fairly parochial view when it comes to the use of certain words, but nonetheless I maintain that the act of carting crap around in a wagon does not qualify as "culture"--even if you do it while talking on a cellphone and wearing designer clothes. In a sense, the word "culture" is sort of like a human spleen. When healthy, it's useful and important. However, once it becomes diseased, you're better off having it removed, since you can still live without it. The word "culture" became diseased when everyone started attaching it to everything from bicycles to video games. If "culture" were completely eradicated from the English language, we'd miss it, but we'd still be able to function. "European culture" would simply be "European" or "Europe." "Danish cargo bike culture" would simply be "Danish cargo bikes." "Ancient cultures" would just be "ancient peoples." Other organs will take over for the spleen, and other words will take over for "culture." At this point, we're on the cusp of someone actually referring to "culture culture," at which point it will be too late. (Though I suppose this might be somewhat acceptable if you're referring to a primitive rainforest tribe that worships yogurt.)

Meanwhile, as the Danes figure out what to do with their cargo bikes, here in New York City our new bike lanes are being taken from us almost as fast as the DOT can paint them. No sooner did this one appear in Brooklyn than it was appropriated by horseback riders:


This is especially frustrating since there's a perfectly serviceable dirt path right next to the bike lane:

I was tempted to yell "Giddyup!" and thwack it on the rump as I passed, but the only thing that stopped me was that I didn't want to injure the horse. (In retrospect, I now realize I could have done that to the woman in the mustard pants instead.) It could be though that she thinks she's entitled to ride her horse in the bike lane. Maybe she's on her way to Mongolian cyclocross practice.

The Flax of Life: Nü-Fred Look, Classic Fred Taste

Back in July, when the crotches were hot and the tempers were hotter, you may recall that a Nü-Fred's composure failed catastrophically and he lashed out at a pedestrian (and, by extension, his parents, his roommate, and the world) with a u-lock. Well, now that it's cooler out people are a bit more relaxed. However, while you might be tempted to think that the streets are safer since the potential for heat-induced outbursts is lower, the truth is that this may be the most dangerous time of year.

Even though it's starting to get cold, it's not yet cold enough to drive the Nü-Freds permanently indoors. Moreover, the Nü-Freds who have survived are now fortified by the fact that they've made it this far, and in their minds they're no longer Nü-Freds at all--rather, they think they're hardened street warriors. They've long ago (and by "long ago" I mean last August) mastered the art of tire repair and fixed cog removal. Their saddles have moved from tilted to level. And, most significantly, they now refuse to call their parents back in the Bay Area every night to assure them they got home OK.

While a little confidence can be a good thing, in the world of the Nü-Fred this confidence has a tendency to swell up into overconfidence or even recklessness. Emboldened by both their own survival and a steady diet of idiotic fixed-gear videos consumed during the workday, they're now at that stage where they consider riding in traffic a sport and stopping for traffic signals tantamount to having a vagina. Unfortunately, their skill level is still not in concert with their experience, and the results can be disastrous (or at least pathetic) to watch.

I was thinking about this very thing (Nü-Fred overconfidence, not having a vagina) yesterday evening as I rode through midtown Manhattan and watched various riders careering pointlessly from lane to lane and skidding demonstratively despite the ready accessibility of a brake. At one point, one of these riders passed me (on a bicycle with a freewheel, as it happens) and approached a light that had just turned red. Clearly, he was going to run it, lest some office worker in a rush to get to Penn Station think he had a vagina. "That's not a very good idea," I thought, as he dodged a couple of pedestrians, entered the intersection, and ran right into a bike messenger.

What happened next is what distinguishes the Nü-Fred from a more seasoned cyclist. Before the messenger had finished picking himself up off the pavement, the Nü-Fred just rode away.

Naturally, the messenger was incensed, but naturally also the Nü-Fred was too cowardly to interact with somebody who actually does what he pretends to do. Of course, part of this may also have had to do with the fact that this wasn't one of those "lifestyle" messengers who has lots of body art, wears various hand-stitched holsters, and rides a $1,000 frame. Rather, he was one of those boring workaday messengers in baggy jeans and a sweatshirt riding an old mountain bike. Had he been the former, perhaps the Nü-Fred might have been compelled to express solidarity by at least making sure he didn't damage the "lifestyle" messenger's "work bike." But since he was the latter, he just kept going in the same way you might if you tried to toss your coffee cup into a city garbage can and missed.

Speaking of Freds, there is one man who has dominion over all of Fred-dom, but in particular the "Classic Fred"--that rider with one hairy chainring-tattooed leg in the world of Category 5 road racing, and the other in the realm of centuries, charity rides, and Primal jerseys. This man of course is Lance Armstrong, and he orchestrates the actions of the Freds in the same way that Mickey Mouse conducted the heavens in "Fantasia." In fact, CyclingNews reports that USA Cycling registration has reached an all-time high in the wake of Armstrong's return to the sport:

Yes, Armstrong commands the Freds like the moon commands the tides, or the sun commands the plants, or the forces of conformity command the hipster. Furthermore, this preternatural influence extends beyond Freds, and it also predates his comeback. Even when Armstrong was still retired, USA Track & Field reported a 12% increase in the number of people jogging shirtless with Matthew McConaughey:

(McConaughey will jog shirtless with anybody who asks nicely.)

Also, during Armstrong's brief tall bike flirtation of '08, the National Freak Bike Association reported a huge surge in tall bike fabrication, cheap beer consumption, and ironic mullet curation:

(Armstrong's presence inspires freak biker to gleefully fingerbang himself.)

Though this guy will no doubt remind you he was into all those things pre-Armstrong.

But not all cycling growth can be attributed to Lance Armstrong, nor is it confined to lower category road racing in the United States. We also stand on the cusp of the Golden Age of Mongolian Cyclocross:


It's only a matter of time before Mongolia is as synonymous with cyclocross as it is with barbecue. It's also natural that the Mongols would take to this sport, for historically they are great horsemen and cyclocross is exactly like equestrianism except for the fact that it no way involves horses. Shrewdly, the Mongolians have chosen Johan Museeuw as their Khan:

Johan Museeuw is of course the former classics specialist turned purveyor of flaxen bicycles--or if you prefer, the former Lion of Flanders turned Lion of Flax. Nobody knows for sure why Museeuw chose to incorporate flax into his frames, but some say he was experimenting with flax fiber as a form of hair replacement and inadvertently discovered it might also be useful in a cycling application:

Presumably, Museeuw was trekking through Mongolia in search of a cheap source of flax for his eponymous bicycles when he discovered a lost tribe of cyclocrossers who had been engaging in the sport for centuries. He then told them of a faraway land called Belgium where disco is still popular and cyclocross racers are treated like gods, and promised to take them there in exchange for directions to the mythical Mongolian flax fields. Fortunately for the cyclocross racers, they're now enjoying the high life in Belgium, but unfortunately for Museeuw he's still wandering the steppes half-mad and flaxless but for that which he wears atop his head.

Incidentally, according to Bike Hugger flax bicycles make great fixed-gears, so you might want to think about building up a "fixed-flax:"


You should keep in mind, however, that your flax bike will not "accelerate:"

"Acceleration" or lack thereof is a quality often referred to by bike reviewers, and I'm always entertained when it's applied to a machine that will not accelerate or in fact move at all without the application of a rider--or, at the very least, gravity. (Unless you actually ride the thing or drop it out a window, it's not going anywhere.) If your bike doesn't accelerate, before spending a bunch of money to replace it I'd recommend first checking to see if it has a chain, and second making sure (assuming it's equipped with a freewheel) that you're not pedaling it backwards. If both those things check out, then actually getting the bike to move quickly is really up to you. Also, if you "stand up, go" and your bike does in fact "dive," make sure you're not operating it on quicksand or thin ice. Or, you can spend $1,500 for a pair of mediocre wheels:

In the world of selling bicycle wheels, Mediocre + Expensive = Excellence. I guess Time are preying on people who are so confused by the old adage "Cheap, light, and strong--pick two" that they're willing to pay for an "expensive, heavy, and strong" wheel when instead they could just buy a "cheap, heavy, and strong" one. These confused people also don't understand the less common adage, "Expensive wheels won't get you laid." Neither, apparently, will a helmet--at least as far as this woman is concerned:


maybe it was you? - w4m - 30 (F train BK bound)
Date: 2009-11-10, 10:16PM EST

Is it weird that as I sit on the train, I assess people based on their potential sexual skill?

That guy looks like he would be particularly attentive to my nether regions.

He will snore when it's over.

He will probably push my head down for a BJ but will acquiesce when I do the same. We will both roll over unsatisfied.

Maybe it depends on the music I'm listening to or where I am during my cycle. Or how long its been.

Right now, I would fuck 50% of them? That's a guess and an assumption that humanity depends on it.

Gay.

Too cute.

Short but aforementioned attentive guy. Experience has shown : short = huge.

Lady.

Lady dressed as man.

No thank you. Appreciate the offer. Believe me, I do. Its been awhile, but no thanks.

Seersucker jacket. Cute but high maintenance. Been there. Haven't done Him, but done "that".

Bike helmet. Little too "safe". I like risks. I mean, I did just say I would do 50% on a NY F train?

Why does that girl look at me like that? Competitive over him? Sorry Miss, I win. We're wearing matching noise canceling headphones.

Next!

New stop, new entries.

Who's up?

Skull cap? Cute, but 5 years ago.

Briefcase? Not interested in my Dad.

Trucker hat? I should kill you now. You have a life of pain coming to you anyway. Consider it a favor.

We're outside now. Maybe I'll just do the skyline. It's what I love about this city anyway. Do you think he's single? Does it matter? When its true love, does it ever matter?

Get out of the way!

He's mine, bitch. STEP OFF.

Good God, another seersucker jacket. It's November people. Wearing that now doesn't make you look like an islander. It makes you look stupid and cold.

Nice try though, I do love islanders.

You may opt to go without the helmet, but in this case I'd definitely wear a condom.

The Schlock of the New: Dirty Salutes, Bold Claims, and Loud Prints

If you're only a casual follower of professional road racing, you may have certain misconceptions about the off-season. For example, you may think that the riders spend it in a laboratory where they lie in a state of dreamless sleep while scientists maintain their performance by means of various intravenous drips--kind of like motorcycle batteries whiling away the winter on a tender in the garage. This is untrue. (Well, it is true of Alexander Vinokourov, but they do revive him temporarily on Christmas morning so that he can open his presents.) The fact is that most professionals are quite busy in the off-season with things like team transfers, wind tunnel testing, and, in the case of Tour de France winner Alberto Contador, honing their victory salutes at the Amstel Curaçao Race:


A reader alerted me to the above photo from Cyclingnews, and it indicates that Contador may be abandoning the implied sexuality of the "fingerbang" in favor of actual fellatio. It also suggests that the position of "fingerbang assistant" may be a more "hands"-on job than I previously thought. This is probably what the "fingerbang assistant" is trying to convey to her friend in this photo:

It could also explain how Contador is keeping his helmet up here:

If this is true, and if being Contador's "fingerbang assistant" does actually require being the cedilla on his letter "C," then Contador's victory salute has already reached a level of complexity and obscenity never before seen in the professional peloton. Furthermore, it's a long winter, and he's liable to refine his salute considerably between now and next season. By the time he wins his first race in 2010 his celebratory gesture may require three assistants, a rotating bed, and some wah-wah guitar.

This wasn't all I discovered over at Cyclingnews either. I learned one more thing, which is that Gilberto Simoni may end his career:
Actually, I technically learned two things, since I had thought Simoni's career had ended already. It's sort of like losing your dog and eventually resigning yourself to the fact that he's probably dead, only to receive a call a year later from someone telling you they've found him--but that they're sorry to tell you he's dead. Actually, the headline does have a question mark, so I suppose there's a glimmer of hope and that it's more like someone telling you that they've found your dog but that he's very, very sick. In any case, whether his career pulls through or not, I'll always fondly remember Simoni as the "Spider-Man" of the peloton. In fact, Simoni's sobriquet may have been what started the Giant Road Bike Head Tube Wars, since Cannondale needed to produce one large enough to display this custom paint job:

I'm guessing when Simoni finally does decide to "hang up his wheels," we'll learn about it in VeloNews--not because they'll report it, but because we'll read something like this in the "Technical Q&A with Lennard Zinn" section:

Dear Lennard,

When ending my career, is it safe to hang it by its wheels?

Gibo

***

Dear Gibo,

It is perfectly safe to hang up your career by its wheels, provided your career's wheels do not have a delicate carbon fiber fairing, or its wheels are not made by Mavic, in which case they may explode.

Lennard

Meanwhile, for the rest of us, the duration of our cycling "careers" is not a matter of speculation or deliberation. We simply ride for as long as we can, and we do so for free--or else in order to get to places where we then do things for money. (Even the most well-remunerated of us is somebody's "fingerbang assistant" in one way or another.) This latter form of riding is called "bicycle commuting," or, if your job is sufficiently pretentious and you get there on a Dutch city bike or similarly affected conveyance, "cyclo-vocational physical culture." However, here in New York City, the indignity with which "cyclo-vocational pysical culture" is fraught can be enough to make you want to hang up your wheels, too--though you wouldn't know it from this smugness tour of the "Big Apple" featuring Transportation Alternatives and congressman Earl Blumenauer, brought to you by "Streetfilms:"



If you're the sort of person who doesn't watch Streetfilms because the riding is almost as mild and boring as what you find in a typical fixed-gear freestyle video, I can assure you that this one's different. Take this thrilling moment on the "physically separated" bike lane on 9th Avenue:

At about 52 seconds a rider in red comes tearing into the shot:

At first I thought it was Gilberto Simoni from back in the Saeco days, but closer inspection reveals that it's some species of well-fed "hipster:"

After that, Transportation Alternatives Executive Director Paul "Steezy" White explains how New York City once aspired to be Portland but that now Portland "is borrowing from us:"

This comment barreled into my consciousness the same way the husky hipster charged into the 9th Avenue bike lane, and I think both of them might want to grab a handful of brake. New York has surely come a long way as far as cycling goes, but challenging Portland's mantle as the bike-friendliest place in America is quite dangerous. Firstly, while the Department of Transportation has added lots of bike lanes, it has yet to remove all the idiots, and until that happens cycling in New York City remains hostile to cyclists. In a way what the city has done by adding all these bike lanes is sort of like dealing with the asbestos in your basement by purchasing a brand-new living room set--in both cases you'll just be a little more comfortable before you die. Secondly, if New Yorkers start bragging too loudly then Portlanders may actually begin moving here en masse. In the short term this will result in a surge in the number of white people with dreadlocks for which New York is ill-prepared, and our city's 311 help line will be overwhelmed with complaints about things like inadequate cargo bike parking and sub-par coffee quality. In the long term, cycling casualties will skyrocket once these riders learn the hard way that they are not protected by Invisible Cloaks of Smugness as they are in Portland, New York City will abandon cycling as a result, and our hard-fought bike lanes will fall to mopeds and Vespas.

This is not to say I don't appreciate all the city has done so far--it's just that I hate to see people disappointed. It's sort of like "fingerbanging" before you've crossed the line. I'm no stranger to disappointment either. For example, I was visiting Trackosaurusrex recently (I'm expecting it to switch over to mopeds at any moment) and was thrilled to learn that there are apparently "New Rapha Jams!"
Unfortunately the disappointment came when I learned that the post actually referred to music, and that Rapha were not going to be "dropping" a surf-short "collabo:"

Few things would make me happier than if Rapha were to augment their tailored and subtly-hued collection with some screamingly loud beach "shants," and I think they would be wise to do so. Jams shorts seem to be one of the few fashions from the 1980s that has not yet been resurrected, and 2010 could very well be the summer that the fixed-gear fashion pendulum swings from snug jean shorts to baggy knickers with Matisse-like "colourways." (Also, the ironic fashion law states that the retro-90s look can't begin in "earnest" until every single bit of 80s nostalgia has been exhausted.) My disappointment was mitigated somewhat though when I learned that Jams is not only still in business, but that they're still offering disgusting shirts like this:

He may not be a surfer, but he's certainly caught the hair gel wave.

Let's Get Cultural: Cycling Causes Importance

(Ever the faithful lieutenant, Armstrong distracts a photographer as I make my getaway.)

If you regularly ride a crappy bicycle like I do, you've probably had the experience of riding a much nicer bike for awhile and thinking, "Wow, this one is way better." Nonetheless, returning to the crappy bike is still a comforting experience, if only because familiarity can be reassuring. Such is the way I sometimes feel when I return to New York City after a prolonged absence. In both cases, even though the new place or bike is smoother, cleaner, and generally more pleasant to look at and to use, there's also something unnerving about being coddled when you're accustomed to adversity. So in the end, like the dog who remains loyal to his abusive owner, I find myself compelled to return to the haphazardness and insoluble grime of both the Ironic Orange Julius Bike and New York City.

As far as this most recent absence, the things I've seen and experienced are currently sitting undigested in my mind like an egg that has been freshly swallowed by a snake. Hopefully my meager mental enzymes will eventually be able to scramble this egg into something edible, but in the meantime all I can do is lie gorged and somnolent. To be honest, I'm not sure whether I've journeyed Beyond the Infinite and am reorienting to the Earth's gravitational pull, or I've simply consumed too much of the food of experience and am currently teetering uncomfortably between satiation and regurgitation. Either way, though, I know I saw this:

Even though I've clearly interrupted him while he's trying to conduct important freak bike-related business on his cellphone, note that he does not seem nonplussed. Instead, he seems to be proffering me something resembling a smile:

Also, he looks quite a bit like Robin Williams:

Actually, it wouldn't surprise me at all to learn that they're related, though I wouldn't go so far as to suggest that the tall biker is Robin Williams's son or that the pressures concomitant with being the offspring of a celebrity drove him towards the sordid world of oversized earlobe grommets, facial tattoos, and freak bikes. However, I would not rule out the possibility that the tall biker was shoaled as a child. Child-shoaling is a subtle yet potentially debilitating form of abuse. Here's an instance of it I observed shortly before my hiatus:

Not only is this a flagrant child-shoal, but the rider has also dismounted in order to perform it, which makes it an even rarer occurrence: The child-shoal-o-cross. A child subjected to any kind of shoaling at an early age will often find him- or herself attracted to tall bikes later in life, since instead of protruding horizontally into harm's way, they are instead positioned vertically where their high vantage point renders shoaling completely unnecessary.

Speaking of childhood trauma, it's worth contemplating what drove Mark-Paul Gosselaar of "Saved by the Bell" fame to a life of Category 2 roadiedom, as described in this New York Times article forwarded to me by Stevil of All Hail the Black Market:

If the tall biker seeks to be vertical due to horizontal childhood trauma, then perhaps the Category 2 roadie seeks to ride quickly in order to escape his past--which, given the fact that this past is inextricably associated with a high school sitcom, is not a far-fetched conclusion. Surely celebrities and publicists all over America are beginning to realize that the simple act of riding a bicycle is sufficient to catapult you into the limelight like a strategically-placed barrier on the Williamsburg Bridge bike path is enought to send a "hipster" flying headlong into the Big Skanky. Take David Byrne for instance, who has parlayed the simple act of riding a bicycle from one expensive loft to another into a position as New York City's foremost celebrity cycling advocate--much to the dismay of Matthew Modine, David Byrne's smirking, floppy-haired Jan Ullrich:

(Modine to America: "We must seize cycling by the breasts and suckle.")

Surely other celebrities will begin to follow suit. It would not surprise me in the least if, in order to rekindle the bonfire of fame, Harry Anderson from "Night Court" is at this moment learning the intricacies of operating a triple chainring drivetrain astride a Specialized Sirrus, or David Faustino of "Married...With Children" is taking up fixed-gear freestyling. Incidentally, I was pleased to note that the Times article about Gosselaar was penned by the same writer who simultaneously profiled me and coined the phrase "weird style diktats." I was less pleased, however, to see that the Times published it under the heading of "Physical Culture:"

According to a futuristic Internet encyclopedia, "physical culture" is an old-timey term that referred to the then-new concept of performing difficult tasks voluntarily for the purposes of physical conditioning. As I understand it, up until the 19th century, most people had to do physical labor in order to live. (Such labor in those days included farming, mining, and the brutal oppression of women and minorities.) However, as time went on, more and more people figured out how to make money without exerting themselves, and a soft, puffy leisure class was born. This leisure class soon learned that, ironically, it had to fend off doughiness and ill health with the very physical activity it had managed to cast off. Thus, they came up with "physical culture" as sort of a work substitute. (Early forms of "physical culture" were farming for sport, home mining, and the recreational brutal oppression of women and minorities.) Eventually, though, the concept became commonplace. "Physical culture" became gym class, or working out, or just plain exercise, and the term eventually died--until the New York Times resurrected it as a pompous catch-all for doing somewhat inane things like riding expensive bicycles in club races and doing yoga with your dog:

I suppose then that the new meaning of "physical culture" is "pretentious exercising." If you're just riding or racing your bike, you're "cycling." However, if you race your bike and you're in an off-broadway play or are quasi-famous, you're engaging in "physical culture" as far as the Times is concerned. Similarly, yoga is just yoga, but yoga with your dog is "physical culture." I wonder then if by the New York Times definition the people who ride their bikes in the park while their poor dogs struggle to keep up with them are also part of "physical culture." Probably not--I have a feeling simply involving a dog isn't always enough, and that it probably also depends on both the type of bike and the breed of dog. Riding your Trek hybrid with your mixed-breed dog does not qualify as "physical culture," but riding a p-far with your prizewinning Braque du Bourbonnais almost certainly does. This is not to say you have to involve dogs in "physical culture." Another way to think of it is that "physical culture" is just a nicer way of saying "doing weird shit:"

Thankfully, the truth is that you can still ride your bike even if you don't aspire to make it into a cultural endeavor. Cycling is simply a way to have fun, get places, get fit, and sometimes even take a trip to "Naked Town:"

Hottt Ass and Hot Cinelli - 23
Date: 2009-10-29, 11:09PM EDT

To the hottie on the sick blue Cinelli track bike, why were you flirting with a guy on an IRO? Why not ride our hot bicycles together to naked town?

Truly one of the most amazing things about New York is that you can live here forever yet have no idea there's a "Naked Town." I've certainly never heard of it, though I did once spend an unfortunate few hours in "No Pants City." Sadly for the guy on the IRO though it seems the Cinelli rider is not interested in accompanying him to "Naked Town," because he's been forced to issue a second mating call:

Hey Hottt Ass and Hot Cinelli!! - m4w - 23 (BK)
Date: 2009-11-04, 4:22PM EST

Hey girl, if you ride your bike past me again with hot little school girl socks on, and don't stop, I'll race you and I'll win. Try me for a saddle and you'll get titanium rails!
JK....but I'm not giving up.

I have a feeling this poster is going to be forced to visit "Naked Town" alone. That's nothing to be ashamed of though. According to the Times definition,"foffing off" can actually qualify as "physical culture"--so long as you do it while watching European films and wearing an interesting hat.

This Just In: I Must Away (and Friday Fun Quiz)!

Tomorrow is Halloween, which means Portlanders are quivering in anticipation over the opportunity to ride their bikes while wearing costumes (even though that's what they do every weekend). I too will be "palping" a whimsical outfit, having engaged a noted costumier to dress me as a burrito. So "epic" is this burrito costume that I've already begun the lengthy process of donning it. While I'm currently able to type thanks to a pair of temporary arm holes, once those are sealed off all traces of humanity will be invisible and the illusion will be complete. Then, once I finish trick-or-treating (I will be towed around the neighborhood in a specially-constructed bike trailer by my helper monkey, Vito), the lengthy and daunting extrication process will begin. My costumier anticipates it will take at least four days to get me out of the burrito costume, after which he recommends a period of bed rest. As such, I will be forced to undertake a period of non-blogging, and will return on Monday, November 9th with regular updates.

In the meantime, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz, which given my burrito costume-induced absence you will have over a week to complete. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know it, and if you're wrong you'll see "Hellbent: Bike Couriers of Vancouver."

Thank you very much for your readership, comments, and emails. I will miss these things as I lay sealed in my burrito costume like a guacamole-covered pupa, and I look forward to emerging on November 9th. Until then, ride safe, and if you see any giant burritos be sure give them some candy.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) How much for this "Semi-Industrial Burrito Making Machine" on Craigslist?

--$100

--$200 and a fixed-gear bicycle

--$1,000, or trade for a functioning pizza oven
--Nothing, it's free!

thanks to the nypd officer who - 30 (East Village)
Date: 2009-10-26, 10:45AM EDT

helped me avoid getting jumped for my bike on astor place sunday afternoon.

"_________________________________" was the last thing i could hear the officer saying to my would-be assailant.

thanks!

2) What did the police officer say to the would-be assailant?

--"He may be afraid of you, but I'm not."

--"Lime green Velocity in the morning, bike thief take warning. Green rim in the afternoon, you're a buffoon."

--"The pregnant word would be 'symbiosis.'"
--"Hey! If anybody's gonna jump this guy it's gonna be me."

3) Mike Giant has just "dropped" a dramatic new video of himself:

--Getting a Fausto Coppi back tattoo

--Rolling a joint

--Showing San Francisco both his fixie "skillz" and his underpants

--All of the above

4) Clothing company Castelli recently unveiled a program called:

--"Dress Like A Pro"

--"Dress Like A Ho"

--"Dress Like Roger Hammond"

--"Dress Like A Fred"

5) Safety first! What is a "safety meeting?"

--A euphemism for "foffing off"

--A euphemism for smoking marijuana

--A pre-group ride helmet check recommended by the League of American Bicyclists

--A euphemism for safe sex

6) Safety first! This van has just:

--Ignored a stop sign

--Run a red light in front of a school

--Completed its third consecutive u-turn

--Sideswiped two parked cars

"With BeVideo: Hipster, you'll learn all the basics of the hipster lifestyle, from how to make your own skinny jeans, to how to cruise around on your hipster 1-speed, to how to perfect your hipster attitude."

7) "BeVideo: Hipster" is:

--A mail-order video series

--An upcoming TV series on VH1

--An iPhone "app"

--Free with your purchase of a Felt Curbside

8) Which boutique hotel now has "guest fixies" in collabo colorways?

--Hotel Gansevoort

--Ace Hotel

--The Standard
--The Holiday Inn

***Special Double-Decker-Knuckle-Tattoo-Mix-Up-Themed Bonus Question***

When unscrambled, this set of double-decker knuckle tattoos says "Bringing Sexy Back."

--True

--False

BSNYC Interview: Dave Koesel of Felt Bicycles

(In an "Australian Interview," it is customary for the interviewee to strike the interviewer.)

In yesterday's post, I commented on a pair of new marketing videos from Guru bicycles. I did so not because I have any problem with Guru as a company or because I have any problem with their products. They're just a group of people who make and sell racing bicycles. Similarly, while I often make fun of bicycle marketing in general, the truth is even the most mendacious bike company probably wouldn't register on the scale of corporate unscrupulousness or greed. I mean, there are companies in this world that have sold poisonous baby food, so telling a bunch of recreational cyclists that a bike will make them faster really isn't all that bad. As cyclists, we need people to make bicycles and sell them to us, and marketing is an integral part of that process. There's nothing wrong with it. It's just that sometimes this marketing pushes the boundaries of truth, in which case it becomes offensive, or else the execution of the marketing veers off into the realm of the ridiculous, which was the case with the Guru videos. And as far as the execution of marketing goes, it's a creative endeavor like any other, and I believe strongly that all creative endeavor is subject to criticism and ridicule. Even more importantly, marketing is the art of making people want things that they don't really need, and this is inherently funny.

I'm not really a part of the bicycle industry, but I write about cycling so even I participate in bicycle marketing. Beyond this blog, I write a column for "Bicycling" magazine, and while they let me write whatever I want they are arguably a marketing-driven publication. Also, not too long ago I wrote some text for the "2010 Knogalogue" (Knog are a bunch of Australians who invented the "hipster cyst"), which you can download and read from Knog's website. (Just turn the sound on your computer off first--Knog follow the European Internet tradition of assaulting visitors with music.) You may enjoy what I wrote, or you may be disgusted that I engaged in a "collabo" with Knog. Either way, Knog simply wanted their catalog to be entertaining, so they traveled the world and took a bunch of pictures and then asked me to write some text about those pictures. Making fun of Knog in their own catalog sounded like fun to me, so I agreed. I'm sure some readers will feel differently, but in all, I think it's mostly harmless.

Last week, I wrote a post called "The Irrelevancy of Time," and it elicited a strong reaction. Clearly, while we all have different thresholds for marketing, many of us have strong feelings about the way bicycles are designed and sold. In fact, one reaction came from Dave Koesel, the road brand/product manager at Felt (I used their "Fixie" line as an example in my post) who took issue with some of what I had to say. As we corresponded, it occurred to me that this would be a good opportunity to have a person actually involved in producing both high-end road bikes and urban fixed-gears explain to all of us the process of designing and selling them. So I asked him if I could interview him, and he graciously agreed.

Be assured my intent here is not to promote Felt; rather, it is to provide some additional insight into a subject that comes up frequently on this blog, and to allow readers to draw their own conclusions. If this is insight you don't want, then I hope you'll at least forgive the departure. And if you do want it, and on top of that it also makes you want to buy a Curbside, all I'll say is I recommend at least taking off the top tube pad. It's basically just the trendy bike equivalent of a pie plate.

Thanks to Dave Koesel for taking the time to respond, and thanks to everyone else for reading.

--BSNYC/RTMS

What's your background in cycling, and what's your favorite kind of riding to do today?

When I was a young boy, my father would come home every summer with a bike he’d collected from the side of the road destined for the city dump. We would disassemble the bike and rebuild the hubs and headsets, free the chain of rust, and even attempted rebuilding a freewheel. My dad always was able to repair whatever was needed to make it functional. He built race cars and made metal sculptures among other fabricating talents, and repairing a bicycle was a good lesson for me he’d insist. My bikes would often have one or two of his custom touches, like handmade handlebars, or welded in top tubes and new paint jobs to convert a girls frame to my own. I remember turning 12 and being given the freedom to leave the neighborhood for the first time. I’d ride all over the county exploring new roads and discovered the joys of getting around by bicycle. I began racing just for fun in an occasional duathlon or MTB race in my early teens. I was seriously hurt on a mountain bike ride and later decided to focus on road racing during my college years. I’ve spend the last 15 years racing on the road and track and I still enjoy competing occasionally, although my favorite rides today are getting out on the local MTB trails with my kids and their friends: introducing them to the same joys I discovered around their age.


What's your background professionally?

I started working in a small mom and pop bike shop in high school and eventually managed the store until moving away for college. I began road racing more seriously in college where I went to work at a high end pro shop in Ann Arbor, MI called Cycle Cellar. It was a great place to work with the very best equipment and mechanics on staff. It was there where I learned steel frame fabricating skills, and while I never sold any of my frames, I did build a couple road frames, and a full suspension MTB frame. I moved on from Cycle Cellar and together with Dennis Pontius, Gary Guzialek, and James Huang (of cyclingnews.com fame) opened Two Wheel Tango. I worked at Two Wheel Tango through the late 90s when I began my own independent sales representative group. I worked with a variety of brands including Colnago, Ciocc, DeBernardi, and Orbea bicycles, several clothing lines from Craft, Nalini, and Biemme, and component brands Ritchey, Tufo, Zipp, and many other small specialty brands. During this time I continued to race on the road, track, MTB, cyclo-cross and even a few tandem events. I had been upgraded to a Category 1 but realized I didn’t have the talent to make bicycle racing my career and stopped racing consistently in 2002.

How did you come to Felt?

In the winter of 2001, Felt had emerged with a line of complete bicycles and I reviewed what their plans were for sales representation at the Interbike show. I had an interview with company president Bill Duehring and began working with Felt in 2002 as a sales rep for Michigan, Ohio, Indiana, and Kentucky. After growing the territory and looking to expand my coverage in the area, I was offered a sales management position in Felt’s Lake Forest, CA office. I accepted the job and moved to SoCal in October, 2005. After a year as the regional sales manager, I began to contribute to the product development of some of our emerging categories for Women, Triathlon, and track. One year later I was promoted as the product manager for all the road models and was the product liaison for our professional cycling teams and athletes. As my tasks encompassed areas of product development, sales and marketing, I earned the title of ROAD Brand Manager.

What's the history of Felt, and how large is the company in terms of employees and volume?

We’ve got this covered here on our site.

What are Felt's long-term goals as a company?

From the very same link above:

"Our mission is quite simple: To design, develop, and deliver the best bicycles in the world. Period."

If I'm a road racer, why should I buy a Felt instead of a Specialized, Trek, Cannondale, or Giant?

Now here is where I could get into trouble with our sales and marketing guys, but the fact is you shouldn’t buy a Felt instead of a Specialized, Trek, Cannondale, or Giant if one of those brands makes a model that better suits your fit requirements, better meets your budget, or has a retailer with greater after sale service. Buying a bike is so much more than a downtube decal. Felt makes 4 different geometries in our ROAD line up. F, Z, AR, and ZW models all have different fits, design intents, and a wide range of models, but even our extensive line up doesn’t cover every possible option. Does Felt make comparable model to most of the ones offered by these brands? Of course. I feel the Felt AR1 may be the best example of technology in our industry. The design and execution of that model amazes people outside the bike biz. From the CFD and wind tunnel development of the frame, fork and seatpost shapes, to the Shimano Dura Ace Di2 group, the bike represents what bicycle technology is capable of. I think the Felt Z85 might be among the most versatile and the best bang for the buck road bike on the market. Our women’s line of road bikes range from $700 to $7000 and we offer full carbon models with women under 5’0” tall. I could go on and on going into details about each bike in our line. Despite our coverage in the road segment, it is possible that some people simply want the integrated seatpost of a Giant TCR advanced or the LiveStrong Livery of the Trek, or perhaps the Specialized suits a need for a 105 bikes with a triple crankset. Maybe aluminum is your frame material of choice or Campagnolo your favorite group. Cannondale offers a few high end models with these options.

Felt has a long history of making high performance road bikes, if one of our models suits your needs, you’ll be very pleased and soon agree we’ve done our homework. Felt isn’t the only brand making innovative bikes. Nor is Specialized, Trek, Cannondale, and Giant. It is crowded at the top and emerging brands like Kuota, Ridley, Focus and others are making nice bikes as well. It is a great time to be shopping for a road bike. Consumers have plentiful choices, each with their list of advances.


Felt started out as a pretty specialized brand but now has as wide a range of bikes as any of the big bicycle companies. (Felt has a café and a cruiser line!) What's behind this approach?

You can sit on a one-legged stool, but 4 equal legs offers a much more stable platform. With a line of high performance road models, we only appeal to the dealers that can support a full line of bicycles and a 2nd high end brand, or a dealers that only focuses on ROAD, limiting our dealer base and sales options. BMX and Cruiser sales are a big part of our brand, and the beach communities and the shops these models are sold in are often a different outlet that our performance models. When we introduce a line of bicycles, we make them uniquely Felt. That is to say, even our aforementioned cruisers and Café models use our own frame designs, with our frame shapes, tubing profiles and wall thicknesses, and other proprietary parts.

You had some issues with my post called "The Irrelevancy of Time." What were they?

I was surprised to see you come down on the brands and guys that market and grow their brands, while you embrace other products that seem stagnant and use some clever spin to explain why they only offer one model or one product altogether claiming they are “keeping it real”, when it may be just as accurate to say they are “keeping it undercapitalized."

There are countless examples of annual innovations in cycling and the jump in selling price only reflects the technology used to produce and develop these bikes now. 10 years ago there were a handful of guys designing with FEA [Finite Element Analysis], now it is commonplace along with CFD [Conceptual Fluid Dynamics], Fibersimulation Layup, wind tunnel testing ($15/minute in SDLSWT), and advanced composite materials.

From the Competitive Cyclist blog:

The most important thing written about the bike biz in 2009?* From an unexpected source: Bikesnobnyc. He's not his usual cynical-comic self here. Rather, it's his take on something that has long driven us batty: The bike industry's annual need to issue new model years on everything. Please, industry, quit devaluing our inventory investment in August every year!

*[This strikes me as kind of like making the best burrito in New York City.]

It would seem at least one retailer feels that a yearly cycle works against them. What do you think?

Model years seem to be a necessary evil. We suffer the same fate as the guys in retail stores with carryover inventory being sold below our cost at the end of the year. While many of our models do not change year after year, we do update most of our performance line as the component brands introduce new products, technology advances, and market conditions evolve. It would make more sense to me to introduce new models in January of that model year, not June/July/August. Sales are soft in January for much of the country and inventory levels could be kept low for reduced overhead in the slow months and ease of inventory for tax reasons. Stopping the influx of new models during the busiest part of the selling season is logical, but it takes a unanimous effort on the part of everyone industry-wide. We can’t seem to agree on a bottom bracket standard, let alone a universal product launch date.

In 2007 Felt introduced the Curbside. How did that bike come to be?

The Curbside was a creative exercise executed by collecting ideas from a couple decades of fixed gear riding and emerging color, fashion and cycling trends. Felt has made a track bike for about 15 years. Jim Felt used to hand build custom oversize aluminum rigs for customers in the 90s and when it came time to launch the Felt brand globally, the Tk2 was a great addition. The Tk2 developed a fan base among fixed gear riders, but it was never intended to be a well mannered bike on the road. With ample toe clip overlap and super steep angles, the bike just wasn’t suited to novice riders. As single speed mountain bikes grew in popularity and many Felt employees spent their off-season on their fixed gear road rigs, we decided it was time to make a purpose built single speed road bike. We blended the handling of our F-series road bikes with a slightly taller BB and the sloping top tube of our Z-series frames. We developed an FSA road crankset with the outer chainring replaced with a cyclo-cross style guard. Wheels were assembled with flip-flop sealed hubs and bulletproof ACS Chrome-moly BMX freewheel and genuine Dura Ace track sprocket running on a KMC Rustbuster chain. Long reach front and rear brakes were added to the frame to allow for huge tires (up to 35mm) or fenders. We added our BeerNuts tool so the lack of quick releases didn’t prevent a speedy flat tire fix.* Finally we sprayed on matte gray paint with small understated graphics, the perfect camouflage to blend this new bike in with the rest of the urban landscape. I had ridden a variety of fixed gear “Franken-bikes” for commuting and logging winter miles for 15 years and never had a bike with so much utility. My Gitane Track bike was never drilled for brakes and was plagued with French threaded everything, My 3Rencho couldn’t fit tires bigger than 22mm tubulars, My Panasonic rusted through those super thin Ishiwata 019 tubes after only a couple Michigan winters. This new Felt model was named the Dispatch, and the initial reaction from our dealers was mixed. All of them understood the concept, but many of them asked for a version that was closer to the bikes they saw in downtown SanFran, or Chicago, or at the beach in SoCal. The Curbside was the evolution of the original concept and used the bright contrasting colors, cut down MTB handlebars, and as an homage to our Slipstream Argyle, a custom saddle and matching top tube pad.

*[When it was introduced some people pointed out that the design of the Curbside's track end required either a socket wrench or Felt's special tool to loosen or tighten the axle nuts.]

Felt's "Fixie Series" now consists of four bikes and a frameset. One would assume this is due to substantial sales. Can you share any numbers, or at least give us a sense of the growth in this segment?

Like the first two models, these later models were built on the demands of dealers and consumers. Our Brougham provided a Chrome-moly frame offering with real cold-forged 144mm BCD track cranks. The Gridloc was the culmination of two years of working with Sturmey Archer on the development of the re-introduction of their 3 speed fixed gear hub.

Who buys Felt's "Fixie Series" bike? Is there a particular age, gender, or city with which they are especially popular?

I think like most of our models they appeal to a wide audience. They have been well received by our dealers in all of our major markets in the USA as well as Japan, Australia, Germany, UK, Canada, etc.

Part of the fixed-gear trend's appeal seems to be that riders enjoy customizing their own bikes, and the Felt line-up would seem to pre-empt this behavior by pre-customizing the bikes. Do you think this is a danger, or is this what the market seems to want?

Our complete bikes are an out-of-the-box alternative for retailers and consumers that would prefer to buy a packaged product. For those that want to build up a frame with their own parts, we make our Brougham, Gridloc, and Tk2 as a frameset. I understand that a large part of the fixed gear market is creating something unique. I admire the guys that spend time finding a vintage Masi or Merckx frame and adding their own creative touches. I know that for some a new frame doesn’t appeal to them and the thought of a complete out of the box bike is out of the question. Some people are the same way with their computers or houses or hamburgers. I am thankful there is room for both.

It would seem that a bicycle as simple as an urban fixed-gear doesn't necessarily need to be updated as frequently as a competitive road or mountain bike, and aesthetic changes are easy and cheap for the rider to make. Do you think that allowing a bike to become "venerable" or "classic" by leaving it unchanged for a few years can increase it's appeal in that the bike does become "dated?"

The fixed gear models do not follow the normal pattern of Interbike introduction and 10 month model years. Our Curbside went two years without a color update, and the Brougham has only ever come in gloss black, although we are adding a raw color later this winter, but the black bike remains as it was introduced a couple years ago. I’m not sure a bike can become “classic” without other historical factors. A 1972 Chevelle SS could be considered a classic, so could a 1972 Corolla, but I doubt the same person would find them to be equally representative of a classic 1970s performance car. There is little chance anyone would consider a 2007 Corolla a classic.

What do you think the future will bring for urban fixed-gears?

I expect the growth to continue and for more brands to use these models as a medium to express a more creative outlet. Initially there was a “race to the bottom” it seemed with many brands trying to find ways to create a $259 fixie. Now there are new bikes like the Gridloc, Roll, Ritchey Breakaway...

Are you noticing any new trends now?

I am pleased to see the variety in the offerings and the influx of new brands making Urban Fixed Gears their medium for creativity.

Will Felt make a fixed-gear freestyler?

Felt is fortunate to work with amazing BMX street riders like 2 time X-Games Gold Medalist Scotty Cranmer and Josh Betley. Both of these guys are riding Felt fixed gear bikes for some high speed urban transportation. If we were to tackle the freestyle segment, you can be sure our experience with BMX, Street and Flatland bicycle production the last 10 years will pay dividends.

What are a few of your favorite bikes ever?

That’s a tough list to create. I’ll narrow it down to just bikes that I’ve owned. I could name hundreds of models that have inspired me and that I’ve admired over the years.

Royal 3 speed (made in England by Raleigh IIRC)
Gitane/Omelenchuck mid-1960s Track bike
Eddy Merckx 7-11 Track bike ridden in ’92 Olympics
Croll Custom 853 Road bike
Jim Felt T2 TT bike
Coppi Galaxy Altec
GT Superbike III prototype
GT Titanium Edge Track frame w/ Hooker Fork
Colnago Custom Rabobank Dream Cross bike
Ritchey BreakAway Steel Road bike
Felt DA Track prototype
Felt Tk1 prototype
Felt F1 2009 Tour de France edition
Santana Fusion Tandem