Monday, November 9, 2009

Let's Get Cultural: Cycling Causes Importance

(Ever the faithful lieutenant, Armstrong distracts a photographer as I make my getaway.)

If you regularly ride a crappy bicycle like I do, you've probably had the experience of riding a much nicer bike for awhile and thinking, "Wow, this one is way better." Nonetheless, returning to the crappy bike is still a comforting experience, if only because familiarity can be reassuring. Such is the way I sometimes feel when I return to New York City after a prolonged absence. In both cases, even though the new place or bike is smoother, cleaner, and generally more pleasant to look at and to use, there's also something unnerving about being coddled when you're accustomed to adversity. So in the end, like the dog who remains loyal to his abusive owner, I find myself compelled to return to the haphazardness and insoluble grime of both the Ironic Orange Julius Bike and New York City.

As far as this most recent absence, the things I've seen and experienced are currently sitting undigested in my mind like an egg that has been freshly swallowed by a snake. Hopefully my meager mental enzymes will eventually be able to scramble this egg into something edible, but in the meantime all I can do is lie gorged and somnolent. To be honest, I'm not sure whether I've journeyed Beyond the Infinite and am reorienting to the Earth's gravitational pull, or I've simply consumed too much of the food of experience and am currently teetering uncomfortably between satiation and regurgitation. Either way, though, I know I saw this:

Even though I've clearly interrupted him while he's trying to conduct important freak bike-related business on his cellphone, note that he does not seem nonplussed. Instead, he seems to be proffering me something resembling a smile:

Also, he looks quite a bit like Robin Williams:

Actually, it wouldn't surprise me at all to learn that they're related, though I wouldn't go so far as to suggest that the tall biker is Robin Williams's son or that the pressures concomitant with being the offspring of a celebrity drove him towards the sordid world of oversized earlobe grommets, facial tattoos, and freak bikes. However, I would not rule out the possibility that the tall biker was shoaled as a child. Child-shoaling is a subtle yet potentially debilitating form of abuse. Here's an instance of it I observed shortly before my hiatus:

Not only is this a flagrant child-shoal, but the rider has also dismounted in order to perform it, which makes it an even rarer occurrence: The child-shoal-o-cross. A child subjected to any kind of shoaling at an early age will often find him- or herself attracted to tall bikes later in life, since instead of protruding horizontally into harm's way, they are instead positioned vertically where their high vantage point renders shoaling completely unnecessary.

Speaking of childhood trauma, it's worth contemplating what drove Mark-Paul Gosselaar of "Saved by the Bell" fame to a life of Category 2 roadiedom, as described in this New York Times article forwarded to me by Stevil of All Hail the Black Market:

If the tall biker seeks to be vertical due to horizontal childhood trauma, then perhaps the Category 2 roadie seeks to ride quickly in order to escape his past--which, given the fact that this past is inextricably associated with a high school sitcom, is not a far-fetched conclusion. Surely celebrities and publicists all over America are beginning to realize that the simple act of riding a bicycle is sufficient to catapult you into the limelight like a strategically-placed barrier on the Williamsburg Bridge bike path is enought to send a "hipster" flying headlong into the Big Skanky. Take David Byrne for instance, who has parlayed the simple act of riding a bicycle from one expensive loft to another into a position as New York City's foremost celebrity cycling advocate--much to the dismay of Matthew Modine, David Byrne's smirking, floppy-haired Jan Ullrich:

(Modine to America: "We must seize cycling by the breasts and suckle.")

Surely other celebrities will begin to follow suit. It would not surprise me in the least if, in order to rekindle the bonfire of fame, Harry Anderson from "Night Court" is at this moment learning the intricacies of operating a triple chainring drivetrain astride a Specialized Sirrus, or David Faustino of "Married...With Children" is taking up fixed-gear freestyling. Incidentally, I was pleased to note that the Times article about Gosselaar was penned by the same writer who simultaneously profiled me and coined the phrase "weird style diktats." I was less pleased, however, to see that the Times published it under the heading of "Physical Culture:"

According to a futuristic Internet encyclopedia, "physical culture" is an old-timey term that referred to the then-new concept of performing difficult tasks voluntarily for the purposes of physical conditioning. As I understand it, up until the 19th century, most people had to do physical labor in order to live. (Such labor in those days included farming, mining, and the brutal oppression of women and minorities.) However, as time went on, more and more people figured out how to make money without exerting themselves, and a soft, puffy leisure class was born. This leisure class soon learned that, ironically, it had to fend off doughiness and ill health with the very physical activity it had managed to cast off. Thus, they came up with "physical culture" as sort of a work substitute. (Early forms of "physical culture" were farming for sport, home mining, and the recreational brutal oppression of women and minorities.) Eventually, though, the concept became commonplace. "Physical culture" became gym class, or working out, or just plain exercise, and the term eventually died--until the New York Times resurrected it as a pompous catch-all for doing somewhat inane things like riding expensive bicycles in club races and doing yoga with your dog:

I suppose then that the new meaning of "physical culture" is "pretentious exercising." If you're just riding or racing your bike, you're "cycling." However, if you race your bike and you're in an off-broadway play or are quasi-famous, you're engaging in "physical culture" as far as the Times is concerned. Similarly, yoga is just yoga, but yoga with your dog is "physical culture." I wonder then if by the New York Times definition the people who ride their bikes in the park while their poor dogs struggle to keep up with them are also part of "physical culture." Probably not--I have a feeling simply involving a dog isn't always enough, and that it probably also depends on both the type of bike and the breed of dog. Riding your Trek hybrid with your mixed-breed dog does not qualify as "physical culture," but riding a p-far with your prizewinning Braque du Bourbonnais almost certainly does. This is not to say you have to involve dogs in "physical culture." Another way to think of it is that "physical culture" is just a nicer way of saying "doing weird shit:"

Thankfully, the truth is that you can still ride your bike even if you don't aspire to make it into a cultural endeavor. Cycling is simply a way to have fun, get places, get fit, and sometimes even take a trip to "Naked Town:"


Hottt Ass and Hot Cinelli - 23
Date: 2009-10-29, 11:09PM EDT

To the hottie on the sick blue Cinelli track bike, why were you flirting with a guy on an IRO? Why not ride our hot bicycles together to naked town?


Truly one of the most amazing things about New York is that you can live here forever yet have no idea there's a "Naked Town." I've certainly never heard of it, though I did once spend an unfortunate few hours in "No Pants City." Sadly for the guy on the IRO though it seems the Cinelli rider is not interested in accompanying him to "Naked Town," because he's been forced to issue a second mating call:

Hey Hottt Ass and Hot Cinelli!! - m4w - 23 (BK)
Date: 2009-11-04, 4:22PM EST

Hey girl, if you ride your bike past me again with hot little school girl socks on, and don't stop, I'll race you and I'll win. Try me for a saddle and you'll get titanium rails!
JK....but I'm not giving up.


I have a feeling this poster is going to be forced to visit "Naked Town" alone. That's nothing to be ashamed of though. According to the Times definition,"foffing off" can actually qualify as "physical culture"--so long as you do it while watching European films and wearing an interesting hat.

123 comments:

Anonymous said...

we missed you!

Asterisk said...

Podium

Klaus Mohn said...

OH GOD YES

Billy Reid said...

Back!!!

Anonymous said...

btw, 1st & 3rd. but mostly, we missed you

baby oliver said...

Top something!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Early birds get worms.

rezado said...

It is about time. I was about to shoot everyone in my office.

FNGR BANG

Klaus Mohn said...

ZACK ATAK

hillbilly said...

welcome back, hope you enjoyed the leisure culture

mander said...

Just outside of the top ten

We missed you snobby!

sufferist said...

yep

Hearing Aids said...

Just in time for the new work week. Does writing about physical culture with a sarcastic air count as physical culture.

rezado said...

I was expecting an armstrong interview when you got back. I really want to know which is better. Shimano or Sram?

Visegripmikey said...

Wheeeuh-hoo top 20!

Anonymous said...

Back a day early? Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Maybe 10 years ago I wandered into a local dive bar which reputedly had great food. I'm not unsophisticated, I mean I've had the lobster roll in Provincetown, Ma at the lounge above the Marquis de Sade piercing and tattoo parlor--but, on this particular day I wasn't expecting the bartender/server to be rockin' the extra-large earlobe grommets. I've come along some--so, I'm not sure I'd look twice unless he had like a freak bike or some other apparatus of physical culture.

Anonymous said...

Hoping desperately that your reference to hobby mining spawns a trend wherein the idle rich gleefully bury themselves.

mikeweb said...

20?

Anonymous said...

yeah

Mr. Donkey said...

That freak bike has no chain or crank, which also means it has no pedals.

WTF? Maybe they're in the front pannier.

Unknown said...

Bananas and Gatorade!

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

so early... but top 25!

Anonymous said...

Physical culture? Humbug. I will not foff off while being watched by my dog.

mikeweb said...

Welcome back Snob!

Hopefully your brain will digest those experiences into something better than that snake's egg digestion will produce.

Stupid Name said...

http://www.jruiter.com/jruiter/conceptsLatest.php

“Our project, simplicity in inner city bicycling, was at first glance a fun aesthetic opportunity in new trends, color, and materials.

Our target lived / worked in an inner city environment with minimal space. Bicycling at this level is more about fashion and culture than speed and performance.

After the first few brainstorm sessions we knew there where bigger opportunities. The project ended up rethinking what a “frame” meant, getting ride of basic key components, and creating a new type of compact bicycling.

The final design came down to a frame system and a really difficult rear hub. Everything else is rider preference.”


Culture my ass.
I just want to ride.

Welcome back, the natives were very restless.

Anonymous said...

I'm kinda sad, like after a week long camping trip, it sucked during, but is funny after.

-FrancoChinese Canadien Lumberjack

Anonymous said...

Welcome back!

So glad to be getting my RDA of Snob again. I think I was starting to develop rickets...

Lee said...

enjoyed the leisure culture..

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Thanks for coming back.

You're devoted reader.

Ahem.

Paul Bowen said...

WLCM BACK

jimfamous said...

Hey Rabbit!!!

Greetings from Vancouver BC.

(red brake)

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

the problem with differing cycle "cultures" (sounds like something from a laboratory, if you ask me) is that, like any clique there is a pre-established set of rules to abide by. It also means that I will successfully be alienated by all of these "Sub-Cultures" (a lab on a Submarine? a sandwich from a scientist?). Foosh that sheesh... Like Stupid Name said, "Culture my ass... I just want to ride."

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

oh, and I hear that fixed gear culture has opened up December for "open enrollment"...

...or maybe that was my company's benefits plan...

...oh hell, at this speed it's all a blur.

OPEN ENRL

thegock said...

HOTT WKND

Anonymous said...

Welcome back
Your dreams were your ticket out.
Welcome back, to that same old place that you laughed about.
Well the names have all changed since you've hung around.
but those dreams have remained every turn around.
Oooo-da-poppa-leed-a
Oooo-da-poppa-leed-a
Right there werry-needa
Right there werry-needa
Yeah we tease him a lot, cause we got him on the spot, welcome back.

Neil said...

Mr. Donkey (11:31)- It doesn't look like he has a 60" inseam, so I'd look a little further north for those crank arms....
: )

Cranky Mule said...

Mr. Donkey look up

Cranky Mule said...

now don't I look silly...

wishiwasmerckx said...

At frist glance, I did not recognize the facial tattoos. I thought that the guy was a chimmney sweep.

mikeweb said...

Indeed Neil!

It also looks like he's using the 'chain triangle' method to get the power to the rear wheel, instead of the 'double ring relay' or the common 'top down-back' configuration.

Unknown said...

FSHR KING

SOMN OLENT

Neil said...

How many powerlinks do you suppose are in that chain?

mikeweb said...

I think the power links are in his earlobes.

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

Is it too much to ask where you've been?

I seriously thought I saw Danny Pintauro (aka the annoying son on who' the boss) on a u can't be sirrus, still not sure. Ok so I'm lying but no one ever mentions him damn it.

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

Olivia Newton-John anyone?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFe6kKNVzX0

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR!!

Adsum.

-P.P.

Cranky Mule said...

First time I encountered the tall bike when I passed a herd of them exiting the Manhattan bridge at about midnight on a Friday. It was quite surreal.

kale said...

Skidmore overpass, Snob?

Were you on some sort of Kropotkin/Anarcho-Primativist theme ride?

grog said...

52. Yo. Culture lessons. Good.

Anonymous said...

That stalker who keeps harassing cinelli woman needs to be put down. It's really creepy that someone would go to the trouble of writing ads like that. Disturbing.

Anonymous said...

at least he's not harissa-ing her, that WOULD be hot

Anonymous said...

hey that tallbiker is skitch from the BLBC. he is from way back in the minneapolis hard times bike club days.

Anonymous said...

Good to have you back, Snobby! You curated a nice read today. Apparently your journalistic prowess is enhanced by time away combined w/ sucking the wheel of Mr. Armstrong. Looking forward to reading more about what you have digested as long as you spare us the end product of your digestive function.

Salty Seattle said...

Naked town in NYC?

I was told it involved Portland...or was it Frisco?

But, it was Wednesday and he had a HOTT bike, so...

Anonymous said...

HOTT HEDD

jolene said...

yall needs to calm the fuck down and get drunk fera change am i right girls

Kurt Vonnegut is King said...

I hate myself for pointing this out:

"If you're just riding or racing you're bike, you're "cycling."

Although maybe you meant it more metaphorically than I think you meant it.

KVIK

Mr. Donkey said...

duh.

And for a moment I thought I was all clever and sh*t.

Pete H. said...

Gawd.

Anonymous said...

"Early forms of 'physical culture' were farming for sport, home mining, and the recreational brutal oppression of women and minorities."

Don't forget this modern twist on "home mining": the shovelglove. Check it out at http://www.shovelglove.com/ .

"That's when it occurred to me: what I needed was a shovel with a weight attached to it, and a fuzzy glove to keep it from scratching the floors or killing the cats. At first I thought I'd call it 'fuzzy shovel,' but 'shovelglove; seemed catchier."

Check it out. Photos and videos explain all.

Asterisk said...

Interesting thread about the jump by Frodo Evans from Lotto to BMC.

http://forum.cyclingnews.com/showthread.php?t=4375

*

yogisurf said...

Something ironic must have happened while riding with L.A. Break the story, +BSNYC^

OBA said...

Glad to see even the tallbikers are now "rubbing" the single pannier -- of course, it goes on the front right because every day is "opposite day" in tallbiker world.

red neckerson i mean ibn bin necker said...

speekin of physical culture like beeting the shit out of wimen

me and ricky decided to turn mooslims

rite now if we beet the shit out of jolene she calls them legal peeple who come and threten to toss us in the slammer

but now ricky goes by rakim and i goes by ibn bin necker

so when we beet the shit out of jolene we jest tell them legal protection peeple that we is celebrating our cultural diversification and if they bothers us agin were turn them in for harassing mooslims

al franken wood personal come and kick there asses

jim bob tells us were going to have to skip them bacon chesbergers at the hardies

i dont knows about rakim but i can gets by with regular chesbergers

if it keeps them legal peeple off our ass itll be ok

Anonymous said...

I love you, Snob.

omowo said...

NAKD TOWN
FIZZ CULT

Chris Cawley said...

I think you could probably put these to good use:

http://www.amstelcuracaorace.com/?lang=en

Velocodger said...

Puffy....................
Shirt!!

sufferist said...

I looked but could find no reference images for French Coal Stokers...the search continues....

sufferist said...

Regarding :http://www.amstelcuracaorace.com/?lang=en

If Mr. Contador's time and Mr. Hushovd's time are the same, why is Mr. Contador considered the winner? Are they not co-winners? Or is there a finger-bang coefficient that is applied in the case of a tie (this always favors the awesome).

hillbillycyclist said...

Hey snob...Good to have you back. I picked up one of your all natural power meters while out on the road the other day, although mine came with the audible alarm option. I wasn't going fast enough for it to stay attached to my head tube, so it got wedged between my front caliper and tire. It started screaming at me how bad I suck! It was a little embarassing. I know I don't suck that bad. I think they are defective....

Bob said...

For a split second I thought it said "Bike Snob" on the bottom of L.A's jacket. Too much to ask for I suppose.

Marshall Hance said...

Nice Chicken Suit:

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1404/583960551_9b0dad740e.jpg

Anonymous said...

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1404/583960551_9b0dad740e.jpg

Unknown said...

BEWARRRRRRRRE!!! The age of the Single Speed Cyclo-Cross is upon us!

flynn said...

ricardo: ? it's done been upon us.

welcome back snob

Eric Whiting said...

welcome back, flogger.

Anonymous said...

I think that tall-bike guy was in 'Veer'. He (or his evil twin) gets a ticket for running a stop sign (not on a tall-bike) around 1:12 in the trailer:

http://www.veerthemovie.com/trailer.asp

Unknown said...

Flynn: I am saying that it will be the new Hipster Revolution! When Hipsters thrown down their city fixies and head for the hillz! I think it's something like "white flight," but more like reification or reintegration. Whatever! IT'S COMING! A NEW AGE OF POSEURS!!!

Stupid Name said...

Sturmey Archer 3 speed Cyclocross?

Fierce Panties said...

NAKD TOWN

CommieCanuck said...

So that's what happened to David Clinger after Rock and Repugnant.

Anonymous said...

http://tiny.cc/ebenweiss

flynn said...

ricardo: if it frees up some poles to lock to in the city i'm all for it

rabbit said...

Dear Mr. Snob, I am sure that I am overreacting, but...
A. Your use of fancy and over dramatized words such as, nonplussed and shoaled can clearly be seen as a cry for attention. Are the ears of your dictionary tattered or do you have those pages bookmarked? You don,t know me. Have you ever stopped to consider your own idiocy?
B. Have you ever stopped to think that the invasion of one's personal space is offensive? The look on my face is an account to the fact that you are taking my picture without my permission. Do you know how many times a day I get that. The sun is in my eyes and I am walking up a freaking hill you dick. I might of stopped to talk to you had you said "cool bike whats your name?"
C.I know several people who frequent your blog, and the majority of them believe that they are as quick witted, and or as brilliant as you believe yourself to be. I have seen the comments most of your readers leave...very insightful, NOT.
D.I am sure that you and those people who view this blog as funny or comical will have a huge laugh at the expense of my rebuttal. So when you grow up, and realize that you are just another piss-ant with low self esteem then you will be sorry for the way you have clowned those of us that strive to remain autonomous in the face of your ON GOING ha-ha Bike Snob B.S.
Unamused, Rabbit

plane simple said...

STAY - CATN

Meccanico di Veno said...

On Portland's dick again... That's Rabbit from DropOut Bike Club PDX walking his tallbike and talking on the phone.

Anonymous said...

Meccanico di Veno, After reading Rabbit's rebuttal, especially since you know him, shouldn't you have desisted from identifying him so precisely? It would be like me telling everybody out in bloggosphere who you are exactly and what forum you frequent most often and under what name. (SM, DOBC, ZB; see, I do know who you are.
-Chris the Biking penguin

DB Peter said...

Anonymous said..."hey that tallbiker is skitch from the BLBC. he is from way back in the minneapolis hard times bike club days."

No, not Skitch of BLBC. Rabbit from of the Dropouts in Portland.

rabbit said...

Thanks my Penguin friend but Veno is right I am Rabbit a Dropout from Portland. I meant for what I said to have a grain of salt intended to fester in the blog wound for which was opened by Mr. Snob. For Christ Sake one person thought I was Skitch an old school Black Label member. That is one of the funniest things I have ever read. I know Skitch and used to hang out with him 20 years ago in Minneapolis. hey Chris I HOPE YOU ARE DOING WELL. Rabbitto

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the comments section said...

I don't believe anybody knows "how many times a day [you] get that", on account of none of us having made the decision to get facial tattoos or giant holes in our earlobes :[

Anonymous said...

Your secret is safe with me

flaco said...

Black Label, Dropouts...I'm confused, what are these? Am I in West Side Story?

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daddy_man said...

could everyone please take a step back and stop kissing snob's butt so much? Give him some air!

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

Did someone with facial tattoos and a tall bike actually accuse someone else of having low self esteem and a need for attention? Whats next? Will we be visited by the baseball furies, the gramercy riffs or the turnbull ac's on tall bikes.

Anonymous said...

PASS WIND

mikeweb said...

MtheM:

Don't forget about the Lizzie girls.

wishiwasmerckx said...

He may very well be a piss-ant with low self esteem, but he's our piss-ant with low self esteem.

Anonymous said...

I can never keep up. Does that mean that the Snobbatical was in Portland, because I can't see Rabbitto traveling with that monstrosity on a plane or in a roof rack.

Anonymous said...

There was a confirmed sighting of BikeSnob on his baby blue on-one at sscxwc09, Portland.

Klaus Mohn said...

MtheM: also, don't forget he's an ANONYMOUS attention whore.

ant1 said...

PISS ANT1

Anonymous said...

If he's a pissant, he's in good company.

"Immanuel Kant was a real pissant, and so was Fredrich Schlegel..."

-Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"

rabbitto said...

My salt is festering quite well hahahahaha

ringcycles said...

If NYC may or may not be the center of cycling culture, but Portland is certainly its petri dish. Never know what's going to germinate. Rabbitto, you forgot that reading this blog requires a very thick skin and broad sense of humor. The mocking in this space know no bounds. Apologies for the advice, but your retort was saltless and bland.

Patch Adams said...

I don't look like that tall bike freak!

Salty Seattle said...

Sorry, Rabbitto.

I'd like to love ya (like I do everyone else in this forum), but you've completely misunderstood what just happened.

You just got called out by the Snob in his blog post. That can be a very good thing for you, if you work it. Whining about it only makes you look like a Cadel.

FFTN MNTS

rabbit said...

I know all of this, thanks for the returns but I still lashed out. That is the way I am made up. Without TACT I suppose. I know what Mr. Snob is doing GREAT BLOG YES, and I am still happy with the way I reacted. I don,t feel like I need this guy to make me more popular or a better person in anyone's eyes. I see the post as being clearly satirical, and I am happy that you all stood up for your friend, BUT we don't have candid pictures of Mr. Snob, do we?

carol b said...

Frankly, I'm just freaking glad for the chance to laugh out loud - like belly freaking laughs - not once, but five times during the reading of this post and one of them is due to the fun comparison of Mr. Rabbit astride Patch Adams. So thanks Mr. Rabbit for exposing yourself without any say and thanks Snob for just doing what you do.

rabbit said...

Mission accomplished someone finally got a laugh out of the hilarity that is this whole conglomerate of silliness Thanks Carol B.,and cat must have Mr. Snob's tongue. We haven't heard a peep out of him yet. Above us all? Keep laughing in the free world.

Anonymous said...

Bill Rigler is Bikesnob?

http://benepesbikeblog.blogspot.com/2009/11/and-now-for-something-disgusting-amid.html

Meccanico di Veno said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meccanico di Veno said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Love the blog, but also love the bikesnob.com website, they have some great stuff. They have been around for a long time. Long before this blog.

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grimm said...

don't mess with a rabbit, when it wrenches bikes better & knows the culture in more ways than we may ever hope to.
enough said.

Gym Equipments in Bangalore said...

Hopefully your brain will digest those experiences into something better than that snake's egg digestion will produce. thanks for sharing here..