Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Ambiguous Goo: The Opacity of Marketing

If you live in New York City, you're probably familiar with the sense of profound disappointment you experience when you return to it. Generally, this sets in at some point between deplaning and actually arriving at your home, and it can be triggered by a number of things: an unnecessarily brusque baggage handler; a homicidal airport shuttle driver; a yawning pothole; or a group of people loitering on your stoop. While some people think New Yorkers are arrogant, the truth is it's simply a defense mechanism that protects us from our secret knowledge that we're stupid to live here. If anything, arrogance is a symptom of knowing deep down that you really lack the qualities you claim to possess--and in the case of New Yorkers those qualities are savvy and sophistication. Considering yourself savvy and sophisticated for living in New York is like considering yourself clever for getting a great deal on a stuffed elephant. Sure, you're pulling something off, but it's something that no logical person would want to do in the first place.

Such were my thoughts as I finally unpacked my bicycle from its travel bag, a task which I generally put off due to fear the damage I might encounter. Fortunately, the bike was pretty much intact, though the TSA had left its customary calling card inside:

I felt a pang of sympathy for the inspectors, since everything inside my travel bag was filthy. I'd made no attempt to clean any of my equipment after the race, and so everything remained in exactly the same state it had been in when I had crossed the finish line: dirty, smelly, and covered in ambiguous goo. Actually, if anything, it was even dirtier and smellier, since the ambiguous goo had had time to "mature" in the dark recesses of the bag. For example, here's a picture of my bottom bracket junction. While it may not be "beefy," it sure is gooey:

(The undersized bottom bracket...is gooey.)

Speaking of ambiguity, Cadel "GC Allin" Evans made an interesting comment on his Twitter recently about the Vuelta a EspaƱa, in which he finished third overall:


Intrigued, I not only listened to the song, but also studied the lyrics:

While some might think Evans is alluding to the song's irreverent refrain of "I don't owe you anything," I actually like to think that the significant line is "It's all right if you're confused." This, of course, would mean that Evans regrets his unfortunate outburst over that botched wheel change, and that he also acknowledges it's perfectly understandable that nobody involved (including, apparently, Evans himself) was able to figure out definitively whether he had been given a 10- or 11-speed cassette. (For future reference: If it's working OK, who cares?) Essentially, Evans is both apologizing for his own poor behavior and forgiving everyone else around him for their mistakes, which is a welcome departure from his usual manner of dealing with people. Still, if he is in fact referring to the wheel change debacle, perhaps this would have been a more appropriate song choice.

Even so, Evans may want to consider taking steps to prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future. For example, he could emblazon his top tube with a "clever" slogan which erases any doubt:

In fact, this bicycle is a Madone built by The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company for the express purpose of showcasing Campagnolo's new Athena group at Interbike. It's fitting that they chose Trek for this, since they're probably the only company who wouldn't be embarrassed at this point to make the same old tired "Spinal Tap" reference people have been making on cycling forums and websites for years. It is my deepest hope that both Shimano and SRAM bypass 11 altogether and go straight to 12, if only so that I never, ever have to read it again. At this point I'm so tired of seeing it that it's ruining both cycling and the movie for me, and I'll gladly deal with wider rear spacing, lack of backwards compatibility, or whatever it takes for them to skip it. At the very least, the cycling industry could feed us different "Spinal Tap" references. I think Blackburn could do quite well with "Lick My Love Pump."

But while I can't say I'm exactly thrilled to be back in New York City, I'm also not particularly saddened to be missing Interbike. Not only does the idea of spending time and money to travel all the way to Las Vegas in order to look at things that other people want me to buy seem almost as illogical as living in New York, but there's also plenty of "legitimate" media already there to take pictures of all that stuff for me--and I mean all of it. The "Outdoor Demo" has only just begun, and already Lennard Zinn of VeloNews is sticking his nose in a chamois:


I'm a tremendous fan of labeling parts of bicycles with pointless buzzwords and acronyms that are supposed to explain what they do, so I was extremely pleased to see Castelli extend this treatment to the chamois, which has heretofore been woefully bereft of adornment. (Unless of course you consider pubic hairs to be adornments.) My favorite part of this chamois is the "Viscous Comfort Zone," which sits right beneath the "taint," "scranus," "gouch," or "vulvanus" (depending of course on the rider's gender and regional dialect):

Actually, perhaps I've made a tremendous mistake in not attending Interbike, since even after reading Zinn's explanation I still don't understand how the "Viscous Comfort Zone" works. What makes it "viscous?" Has it been pre-impregnated at the factory with ambiguous goo, or do you have to supply your own? How does it work in conjunction with the "Continuous Variable Thickness?" And, perhaps most vexing, how can thickness be both "continuous" and "variable?" Does it somehow mimic the action of a CVT? Or is this just another way of saying "mushy?" Looking into this thing is like staring into the monolith from "2001." While Castelli calls this short model the "Body Paint," they should really have named it "The Crotch of Eternal Mystery."

Perhaps the fact that over-aggressive hyper-marketing has finally penetrated the chamois might explain the anti-pants backlash we're currently witnessing in the cycling world. Some companies charge as much as $360 for a pair of bib shorts. What better way to protest this than to dispense with shorts altogether? Hence, we have events like the Philadelphia Naked Bike Ride. However, it's only a matter of time before a backlash becomes a subculture, and it's only a matter of time before a subculture becomes a style cue. Then, once this happens, it becomes an essential part of marketing an "alternative" rock band:

A reader alerted me to this casting call, and it's proof that not only is naked cycling the latest trend, but also that Portland's chief export is now officially freakish cycling. Need to film someone doing something weird on a bike? Go to Portland! I'm sure if the right company or band put out the call in Portland for a bunch of people to ride around while slathered in toothpaste and ambiguous goo and then set themselves on fire they'd be overwhelmed with responses. Strangely, though, while Portland seems able to tolerate even the most grotesque cycling displays, for some reason it prohibits the relatively benign act of "trick riding," as you can see from this sign, photographed by another reader:

I guess Portland is the Pacific Northwest equivalent of a Southeast Asian city that will allow you to have sex with prostitutes but will jail you for spitting.

By the way, the Flaming Lips are discouraging body paint (I assume this refers to both the Castelli short as well as actual body paint) and tall bikes, though body oil is acceptable:

I don't know if ambiguous goo is allowed, though I'm guessing it's probably fine as long as its translucent and reflective.

Speaking of tall bikes, I recently encountered one nearly as bewildering as the Castelli Crotch of Eternal Mystery:


While the presence of two "normal" bikes didn't help, even by itself this construction is baffling. I've since scrutinized the photo, and it actually appears to approximate a p-far, albeit with a chain drive:

Actually, I'm not even sure if this was created intentionally, or if various neglected bicycles simply rusted and fused together over the years.

Far less ambiguous was this sweet ride, which is for sale and priced at $100 or best offer:

This may seem expensive, but at least it's straightforward, and keep in mind you won't need shorts with a "Viscous Comfort Zone" in order to ride it.

119 comments:

rezado said...

Greenhorn

landis in 06 said...

in the comfort zone

landis in 06 said...

I need some more chamois cream

Cogitoergosum said...

Bottom step

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

podium!?

Anonymous said...

yowza

Brian said...

COCK BLOK

Anonymous said...

damn!

youaretheengine said...

Peloton.

Mad Jack McMad said...

Top 20?

Mild-T said...

Almost made top ten

Astroluc said...

oh why even bother...

CommieCanuck said...

I'm in a vicious comfort zone.

BadBeard said...

Badbeard1st!

Anonymous said...

There's ambiguous goo on this keyboard

CommieCanuck said...

I think the viscous aspect of the chamois has something to do with Romanian bukkake.

I'm really sorry I missed this at Interbike this year:

The Urban Legend Fashion and Art Show will highlight a range of stylish, smart, sexy and professional clothing that fit into everyday life and work great on a bike. Models will be sporting urban and casual cycling wear, not the typical Lycra shorts or jerseys, while riding urban, folding, utilitarian and commuting bikes.

That's right, chicken suits are out for 2010.

How does one dress "smart"? A hand-knit sweater with your SAT scores woven in?

hillbilly said...

I think I am in a comfort zone, but how can I be sure?

Just saw a Mercier Kilo TT for sale on CL for 1200 bucks. Run, don't walk.

streepo said...

"taint," "scranus," "gouch," or "vulvanus"
No love for "nacho"?

landis in 06 said...

Commie
is the Romanian bukkake similar to the Japanese version?

Anonymous said...

My flat tyre schema is available for scrutiny. Only at Angry Bike Wrench.

youaretheengine said...

See the relaxed geometry on the "no trick riding" bike? It might not even be a fixie. TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE.

Portland = not hip.

Toxteth said...

Portland's sign is already outdated...what trick riders have normal drop handlebars on their bikes?

ant1 said...

I think the no trick riding is an anti prostitution sign.

CommieCanuck said...

is the Romanian bukkake similar to the Japanese version?

It's cheaper, and much more toxic.

nathan said...

that tallbike p-far is one of the most amazing things i've ever seen. i shudder to think what else goes on inside the mind of the madman who curated this.

sspeier said...

I HAVE BEEN PRESSING REFRESH ALL MORNING TO GET A FIRST ON HERE AND THE ONE 20 MINUTE PERIOD I HAVE A WORK MEETING, IT GOES UP.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Viscous is mellifluous. Mellifluous you know.

ant1 said...

sspeier - it's like a watched pot.

Brian said...

BSNYC,

the musical Hair sounds alot like your trip to Durango. Did you see any rabbits playing banjos?

BLUD FIRE

CommieCanuck said...

I HAVE BEEN PRESSING REFRESH ALL MORNING TO GET A FIRST ON HERE AND THE ONE 20 MINUTE PERIOD I HAVE A WORK MEETING, IT GOES UP.


I think you were pressing "Caps Lock".

kale said...

This comment goes to 11!

ant1 said...

CC - Damn, that was good.

bikesgonewild said...

...sorry, baby...i've only got 10...

kale said...

I wonder if there's a David Byrne/Wayne Coyne collabo in the works to replace the effective 'staples' of portland with new 'artistic' bike parking to 'jazz shit up'.

But I'm guessing that those two have a mutual loathing for each other.

bikesgonewild said...

...& i should mention i'm fine & i'm good w/ 10 & i make 10 work for me...

...i don't feel i'm giving anything up to guys w/ 11...

...just sayin'...

Asterisk said...

BSNYC,

A neighbor of mine, a sweet 25 year old young woman, killed a cyclist while she was making a left hand turn in her car. The incident happened on what would be the Great Silk Road of Boulder cycling, Hwy 36, the main road to the favorite climbs just north of the city. It was a sunny Sunday at 11:45. The man who died was riding south, in the direction back from the climbs, on a straight, slightly downhill section, where cars can be moving at over 40mph. The driver probably was looking for an opening in the oncoming traffic and darted through. The unfortunate victim must never have had a chance.

http://www.dailycamera.com/ci_13389493?source=most_viewed

I have been spending the morning rereading the “Death Membrane” post and comments.

http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2008/09/indignity-of-commuting-by-bicycle-death.html

It’s been a rough morning, feeling bad for her and feeling worse for him. Thinking of my ex-COD riders who have been hit. Helpful to read this again.

*

Nick said...

That yellow scooter is just like the ones the Amish kids(or Mennonites?-one or the other in Lancaster county) ride around on here in pennsylvania.

Nick said...

Maybe an Amish or Mennonite reader can post to clarify . . .

bikesgonewild said...

...Castelli + Viscous Comfort Zone X Continuous Variable Thickness = lumpy...

...but it's an expensive kinda lumpy so there will be plenty a' buyers 'cuz bike shit X expensive = hoodwinked...

kale said...

*-

:(

tominator said...

"Smell the Glove"?

Pontius Pilate said...

SABBATH!!

HAIL CZSR

-P.P.

Durango Zapruderer said...

Snob - I've Zaprudered you - based upon your sswc09 in-race photos (referenced to the three dudes in green vests) and your white fork/frame I belive you are right in here at 1:19:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiXkxw0sNnA

Pixelation makes it look you are bearded, but......am I right?

Anonymous said...

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

The lone wolf, rocky the racoon tail, handcuff bicycle lock, What else could we want.

Asterisk said...

Kale,

Thanks.

*

rightsaid kev said...

Sounds like Wayne Coyne has been reading belgiumkneewarmers.

grog said...

I'm selling tubs of ambiguous goo for $100 or best offer. Use it like baby oil during movie shoots.

sufferist said...

warning to all: do not view peopleofwalmart.com if you have any kind of work to do or need to use your time in a constructive manner. I just lost about 1/2 hour in there and barely skimmed the surface. Be forewarned.

W.S.B. said...

Ambiguous goo?

Anonymous said...

sspeier,

we are watching you. we know all. go to your meeting: we know.

RB1 said...

i've just come in from a ride (snuck out of work) and all i can say is that i luuuv my castelli bib shorts. maybe i paid too much and people make fun of me, but i don't care. i paid my dues riding nashbar bargain bin stuff for too many years. btw, continuously variable is perfectly fine - you can have continuous and constant, continuous and variable, discontinuous and variable, but probably not discontinuous and constant (without invoking measure theory).

p.s. bummer about the boulder biker and boulder biker. that city has far too much traffic.

Anonymous said...

SEX FARM

With the index finger extended, finger-bang style!

flathead said...

anon whatever, aka, angry bike wrench. we get it, you want us to read your blog. Which I did. As I have before, and occasionally (not often) enjoyed. But in the flat tire (and do we need the pretentious rapha tyre spelling?) episode you just sound like an asshole. Yes, everyone should change tires. Not everyone does. You work in a fucking shop. It's not the customer's responsibility to communicate w/ you in a way you want him to. He, as you point out, is not accustomed to dealing with bike store folk, he doesn't know how. Get the fuck over it and change his flat fucking TIRE

Anonymous said...

Scrodeum

English Bob said...

The BBC on-line news/sports site has had an in-house video streaming player for a few years now with a volume control that 'goes to 11'. Considering the parochial nature of the said corporation, I feel the snobster's 'done to death' point to be one well made.

Trilby sir!

PS Mr Evans seems to be in need of severe de-douchbaggery...as you chaps might say.

captain said...

Seems like the ladies participating in a naked ride might get a bad case of "flaming lips" themselves.. (too gross?) ;-)

ervgopwr said...

DZ,

I believe you are correct. Dark kit only the blackest of hearts for mr ny...snob, I like your no gloves style (writing and evidently riding) too...bad the number plate is unreadable.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of old jokes...

How many pro cyclists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only 2, one to change the bulb, and Cadel Evans to complain that he needed 7 more to do it himself.

Anonymous said...

That's an "Amish Scooter" for $100

yogisurf said...

Where I work there are only two year-round bike commuters who put on their kits to go back and forth, home to work. The other guy, let's call him 'Steve' has colored chamois! He has red, blue and gold. I only have chamois in the standard chamois colorway. I think he thinks he's better then the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

*,
so sad about Casey Najera. Comments appear to be centered on placing the blame on the 'young driver' or on Casey ('he hit the back of her car'). He sounds like a great guy, I'm sure he will be missed.

bikesgonewild said...

...one chamois, two chamois...

...red chamois, blue chamois...

...clammy chamois, goo chamois...

...dr seuss for you chamois...

Asterisk said...

Anonymous @ 3:42,

Thanks for your comments. Yes, I have been reading the comments and Casey does sound wonderful. And to have survived not just cancer, but pancreatic cancer. What sadness for his family.

*

Brake Like the Wind said...

Thanks for the continuity, the variety, and the thickness, RTMS!

FYI, another perineal identifier around these parts is (the eponym?) "grover". Although mine isn't blue, (I've used my helmet mirror to check) perhaps that's not uncommon for cyclists.

Hoawzabout a Perennial Perineal Pod? Pouch?

Latin perennis, from per- throughout + annus year

Annus/anus... somewhere in-between?


And I guess you're excused on a technicality for not having the umlaut over the "n" for Spinal Tap.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry.
To those who lost your afternoon, and were forced to see all of the people from wallmart.
I meant to post only this.

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?paged=20

Top picture

It sort of says it all.

Astroluc said...

*,

It's a damn shame about the Boulder Cyclist(s)... that's just a crappy situation for everyone involved.

all I can say about that, really...

Anonymous said...

SNOB RULES.

Ow! My eyes! said...

I don't know which is worse: that someone took the trouble to put together that peopleofwalmart site, or the fact that I couldn't stop looking until I had seen every page. I think I'm going to have bad dreams tonight.

Cognorant said...

Sufferist 3:06

To little to late man! Only 30 minutes for me though...good thing it's slow at work today.

Anonymous said...

Leonid Xinn dun zen on the sete.
Gel Tech.

Field Marshal Rommel said...

Durango Zapruderer... obviously you're a brother shamus. He's actually in the process of taking the photograph that was posted yesterday. Far out.

red neckerson said...

speeking of religious folks and walmart bikes

i got my ass droped by two mormon fellers riding huffys today

im selling my road bike

I seen Red afore his coffee befor said...

They wuz probly skeerd o' ya, Red. What wuz ya wearin'?

Nick said...

I would bet my chamois that those Mormons weren't on Wal-Mart bikes. They uniformly ride entry-level bike shop quality mountain bikes. I know, because I was a bike-rockin' Mormon missionary (still a bike-rockin' Mormon). Sometimes the bikes are branded fairly ironically, "Liahona".

Nick said...

Oh, and they regularly do over 150 miles a week, which accounts for why you got dropped. And they probably did it in suits, at least in shirt, tie, and dress shoes.

Nick said...

Did you notice their shoulder bags? They may be accessorizing with trendy messenger-type bags now. I haven't kept up on that exact aspect of the exclusive sport. Used to be backpacks or nondescript shoulder bags made of 5,000,000 denier nylon.

Asterisk said...

Astroluc,

Thanks.

I rode over to the crash site. A ghost bike was already there. A friend of Casey was there and we talked. He wanted me to tell the driver that Casey would not have wanted this to f*** up her life. And he told me the name of Casey's favorite book, a religious one, and to buy her a copy, for Casey's sake. I agreed to do both these things.

*

Bad Lawyer said...

This weekend, while the (episcopalian)House Blondes were celebrating Rosh Hashanah in NYC at Kabalah world headquarters--I pulled on the new pearl izumi tights with the no-graph scratchy chamois and violated the speed limit laws in the metro parks that ring Our Home Town. No goo, Snob; but a big girl on a B-2 Bomber Crabon Bianchi dusted me. She sneered at my little steel machine with its puny 9-speed campy drivetrain.

Salty Seattle said...

Damn.

One of my few, fellow vegetarians at the office passed away yesterday. And today, news of a cyclist. Too soon. In so many ways..

And here, I can't help but wonder about the ambiguous goo that forms after a proper embrocation of a chamois cream. Maybe that section of the castelli pad is actually a stage direction?

Anonymous said...

Re strange P-Far: Try the September 2009 Vogue

Airhead said...

Some of us prefer a vacuous comfort zone.

sufferist said...

all: there is a chance that Red was just telling a story that only occurred in his imagination.

Red: bullshit, yes or no?

Reed Enwright said...

I too was caught like a deer in peopleofwalmart.com's headlights.

Asterisk said...

More on Casey:

I went over to the driver's house tonight and spoke with her dad. He was grateful for what Casey's friend said. The dad said that they are searching for ways to express their sorrow and apologies to the victim's family. He said he would find out when the memorial service was going to be and he asked me to attend so I could find out whom they could approach and when. I guess I will talk to the priest or minister and take it from there.

I hope to buy and deliver the book in the next couple of days.

*

avant said...

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/47/133696060_48b8181d3d.jpg

Reed Enwright said...

Primal make these?

PedalPAPA said...

My comfort zone is always viscous.

Anonymous said...

That bike could be a bit less black, and I wouldn't advise riding tempo on it. Just sayin'.

CommieCanuck said...

Oh man, BMC's Jeff Louder is a scratch from the World Championships because he has H1N1.

We remain in a candlelight vigil as he struggles with his 99.995% chance of survival.

INFLUENSTRONG bracelets are in production.

ant1 said...

"INFLUENSTRONG bracelets are in production."

genius

Paul said...

That opening papragrah is a classic. NYC is the greatest city in the world, except for times when it sucks.

Sorry to hear about the Boulder rider. Some days you feel lucky just to make it home in one piece.

Anonymous said...

F-kin brilliant.
Snorted Viscous out my nose.

Shram said...

AYHCSMVCZ
(all you haters suck my viscous comfort zone)

Anonymous said...

Big Bottom...bracket

Scott and Katherine said...

I have to stop reading this at work. First, I don't know what our spam filter must think of "Crotch of Eternal Mystery"; and second, I don't know what my colleagues think of me chocking on my sandwich after laughing so hard at the "Crotch of Eternal Mystery".

BradFulkerson said...

Garage full of bikes and bike parts. Ended up switching wheels between bikes, and rode a 10 speed cassette on an 11 speed group and a 10 speed cassette on an 11 speed. Finally fixed it while prepping the bike for a race. That was after 2000+ miles ridden, including weekly 100+ mile rides. Its amazing I'm still alive. The support vehicle should have stopped me for sure.

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