The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Competition

As you probably know, May is "Bike Month"--both here in New York City and across the whole US or A. Never one to shirk my responsibilities as a cyclist, I've decided to help out by creating a PSA. However, I'm not going to promote the same old tired causes. Helmets? Whatever. Until they come out with a helmet that makes you smarter helmets can only do so much. Hand signals? Meh. I recently witnessed someone nearly crash while attempting to make a hand signal, so until you're able to control your bicycle without both hands on the bar you should probably let your destination remain a mystery. No, I've decided to flog my pet cause (flogging your pet cause should not be confused with "foffing off") by creating a NYC-themed PSA for fenders:


See, it's not that getting wet is a big deal. Really, it's what you're getting wet with. Even on the sunniest days New York City is awash with fluids, and these can range from benign substances like water from opened fire hydrants and spilled Snapple to more distasteful ones such as hot dog water and coffee spilled out by taxi drivers to the really horrific ones such as urine, garbage water, and vomit. The latter in particular are things with which you do not want to make contact, and a LRFP (Low-Riding Filth Prophylactic) such as the one below will only offer you minimal protection:


Next time you're cleaning crust off the bottom of your downtube, try not to think about what that crust is.

But while Bike Month is billed as "a month of cycling celebration," nothing could be further from the truth. If you commute by bicycle here in New York City, bike month is actually an intense competition. Now that the weather's warm and dry, the streets are full of commuters who are united by one goal: to ride faster than other commuters. Even if you're not competitive yourself, you can probably appreciate the beauty of competition now and again. Whether it's cycling, or running, or boxing, or even sailing, there's something about watching evenly-matched and similarly-equipped rivals striving to triumph over one-another that speaks directly to the human spirit. Conversely, there's something pathetic and absurd about watching completely mismatched rivals with totally different equipment trying to race one-another, which is what commuting in New York City is like, and I was unfortunate enough to witness a particularly egregious example of this yesterday evening:


Yes, that is indeed a guy on Rollerblades attempting to get on the wheel of a guy riding a three speed and wearing a beret. You'll notice the guy in the beret is also out of the saddle and doing his best to drop the Rollerblader and get on terms with a second group of commuters further up the road:



Witnessing a struggle like this is slightly less awe-inspiring than watching a bunny rabbit and a chinchilla racing to be first to the water bottle. It actually made the race between the guy on the Trek road bike (complete with filth prophylactic) and the guy with the step-through Schwinn fixed-gear conversion and the Promenade bars I had observed moments before seem "epic" in comparison. Actually, I think they comprised the breakaway group that beret guy was trying to catch.

Generally speaking, I don't engage in competition when I commute. (I don't really engage in competition when I race, either--there's nothing particularly competitive about clinging tenuously to the back of the pack.) However, that does not stop other commuters from competing with me. For example, there's an unwritten rule among New York City bike commuters, and it applies to all riders, regardless of age, fitness, or style of bicycle. This rule is as follows:

If you stop at a red light and there is already another cyclist waiting at it, you must stop your bicycle in front of the rider who is already there.

As far as I know, I am the only cyclist in New York who does not observe this rule, because while I'm quite happy to queue up behind somebody at an intersection, I have never, ever had somebody stop behind me. If you're waiting, someone will pull up ahead of you. If a third person comes, they'll roll ahead and stop in front of the second person. On a busy day, this accumulation results in sort of a shoal of cyclists which juts out into the middle of the street like a sandbar of idiocy. I observed this shoaling effect once again just this morning, as you can see here:



Mind you, I was the first rider at this light. Note that the guy on the hybrid, the guy on the Raleigh, and the messenger have passed me, rolled through the crosswalk, and lined up in front of one-another in eager anticipation of the light change. As I snapped the photo, they were joined by some schlub on a skateboard carrying an envelope, and shortly after he arrived came a woman with a flowery scarf:



You'll see the schlub on the skateboard went immediately to the front of the group. (Perhaps he had a bunch of points in the New York City stoplight race series and got a call-up, but if he did I didn't hear it.) Unfortunately for scarf woman, before she was able to get in front of him, the light changed. And they're off!



I haven't seen a start this explosive since the Cyclocross World Championships in Hoogerheide. I think the messenger got the holeshot, though the schlub on the skateboard with the envelope may have been skitching off him. As for me, I couldn't stay with scarf woman, so a gap opened immediately. I may have lost the race, but I like to think I preserved some dignity.

But when it comes to absurd competitions completely bereft of dignity, New York City bicycle commuting can't come close to fixed-gear freestyling. I was visiting Trackosaurusrex recently when I saw this video of a fixed-gear freestyle competition, which makes yesterday evening's Rollerblade-vs-beret race look like Andy Hampsten on the Gavia Pass in 1988:

Most people have heard the expression "familiarity breeds contempt." Well, until now I never thought it applied to fixed-gear freestyling. Sure, the "sport" has been around for at least a few years now, but instead of growing contemptuous of it you sort of just get used to the absurdity. So really, familiarity with fixed-gear freestyling doesn't breed contempt--it breeds indifference. However, this display of riding was nearly enough to change that. While I can't say I experienced full-blown contempt, it definitely ratcheted my "meh" up to "vehemehnce:"



Basically, these guys just ride around in circles, lifting their front wheels occasionally. Amazingly, there are actually people who have gathered to watch this, and they golf-clap appreciatively whenever someone fails to land yet another "trick." Since I can't possibly imagine anybody would go out of their way to watch this, my guess is that this group of people assembles regularly at this parking lot regardless of what's going on--they probably stand there during the week too and golf-clap when someone manages to get out of his Ford Focus without spilling his Starbucks. For me though, by far the most exciting moment was when some guy in a tie-dye shirt ran through the shot:


Now that takes skill.

Yes, while fixed-gear freestyling continues to grow in popularity, it's hard to say whether the "sport" is actually evolving or just getting long in the chainring tooth. Not only is the wardrobe, pacing, and crowd reaction growing increasingly golf-like, but the participants are beginning to experience repetitive motion injuries as well. After watching the above video, I headed over to fixed-gear freestyle impresario Prolly's blog to see if I could find anything better, and I was concerned to read this:


The turning point in any subculture is when people's bodies start rebelling against their wardrobes. It's like having to add a few more rounds to your bullet belt to accommodate your swelling midsection, or needing bifocals to read your own knuckle tattoos. And nothing is less cutting-edge than sensible footwear. Just wait until people start experiencing messenger bag-related lower back problems. The Fixed-Gear Apocalypse may not come with a bang or a wimper; it may just come with a lot of complaining.

Indulgence: How Much is Too Much?

When it comes to professional cycling, there's only one thing more compelling than a Grand Tour, and that thing is a nice juicy (or powdery) drug scandal. So even though the Giro d'Italia is well under way (in Italy, I believe) all the attention is currently on Classics star Tom Boonen, who has once again tested positive for cocaine. However, the good news is that Boonen does not have a cocaine problem. Rather, he's got such a bad drinking problem that cocaine just seems to enter him by accident:


I do not think I have a problem with cocaine, I have problems when I drink too much. 364 days per year I am good. But if I drink too much, it's exactly like I change in my head...

I need help. Someone should teach me to understand what happens when I drink too much.

There's nothing funny about drug and alcohol abuse--except when it leads to lots of wacky hijinx and comic pratfalls, of course, in which case it's absolutely hysterical. As such, I found Boonen's cry for help quite moving, mostly because it was accompanied by a complete lack of slapstick. (If Boonen had, say, puked on Phil Liggett, jumped into a Lamborghini with Paola Pezzo and Mario Cipollini, and then crashed into that caveman-like statue of Eddy Merckx, I'd be less inclined to take it seriously.) So as cyclists, I believe we need to heed Boonen's plea and stage our own intervention. And since Boonen's problem seems to be that he doesn't understand what happens when he drinks too much, I've done my part by assembling some PSAs that are guaranteed to both teach him and scare him straight.

Here's a chilling film which, if I'm understanding it correctly, is a dramatization of what's happening inside your brain when you drink:



I think what this is saying is that when you drink you kill brain cells, and consequently your brain can no longer handle its workload. Personally, this was more than convincing enough for me, and immediately after watching it I poured every drop of liquor in my home into the toilet. However, a true problem drinker like Boonen probably needs more convincing, so in order to drive the point home I found another video:



Now that's what I call intense. It makes that last video look like an episode of the "Teletubbies." I had already poured my booze into the toilet, but this one actually drove me to flush the toilet. (If you came over to my place for cocktail hour yesterday evening, you might want to gargle some Listerine.) But you know how it is with celebrities. Once they're on that path of self-destruction it can be almost impossible to steer them off of it. I figured what Boonen needs is a video that speaks to him in a language he understands, and that language is of course cheesy Dutch R&B:



So please join me in raising an O'Doul's to Tom Boonen, and here's hoping he dries out soon. Incidentally, if Boonen is drinking so heavily that he's consuming cocaine without being aware of it, who knows what else is entering him unwittingly? After all, there are certain foreign bodies that don't show up in doping controls. I just hope nobody's been giving Boonen the "pinky test," if you know what I mean.

Speaking of strange bars and places to put your hands, a reader recently sent me some absolutely awe-inspiring cockpit shots:


This bicycle has more hand positions than someone reciting "Atlas Shrugged" in sign language, and it's proof once again that anything is possible with bar-ends. Really, the only way this rider could outdo himself would be to incorporate controls from other vehicles as well, such as a steering wheel, a joystick, and perhaps even a rudder. Here's a shot from another angle, which gives you a better sense of what it's like to be at the helm of this incredible craft:

I sincerely hope that Tom Boonen sees this bike one day, because it could certainly teach him a thing or two about being in control. I do find it odd though that, with all the attention to detail, the rider has omitted the padding on the forearm rests. Incidentally, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: while most riders use some kind of foam in this application, the hot new setup among the pros is silicone breast implants. Rumor has it that Lance Armstrong was the first person to use them for time-trialing, since he developed a taste for artificial breasts during his stint as a retired celebrity playboy and wanted to find a way to keep his hands on them when he got serious again and returned to the sport. Naturally, once the Patron started doing it the trend swept through the peloton and beyond, and now there's actually a brisk silicone breast implant trade on eBay. I've never used silicone breasts for time-trialing so I can't say whether or not they work, but I will say that if you're a recovering addict you should probably avoid them. I'm sure if Tom Boonen had a pair of fake breasts on his handlebars he'd be trying to do drugs off them before he got off the starting ramp.

As I said earlier, drug and alcohol abuse should not be taken lightly. Furthermore, as cyclists, we're more susceptible than most to excessive behavior. The same impulses that lead us to train obsessively, upgrade compulsively, and dress ridiculously can also manifest themselves in overly indulgent behavior off the bike. For example:

Solo wing-eater at Croxley Ales - w4m - 26 (East Village)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-05-10, 10:18PM EDT

You were eating wings tonight by yourself, but you were sitting behind me, so I didn't get to look at you too much. I was with two of my girlfriends in the dark corner. I kept accidentally hitting you with my bike helmet, and for that I apologize :-) I so wanted to talk to you, but unlike all the other charming women in the city, I have no game :-) I think you're adorable and because you seem way too nice, you probably aren't at home reading craigslist missed connections. But on the off chance that you are, and you're single, and you'd like to be wacked in the side again with my bike helmet, shoot me an email and we can indulge in some greasy 50-cent bar wings together!

One day you're just taking an innocent ride, and the next thing you know you're on a booze-and-chicken-wing bender getting beaten with a cycling helmet. The fact is, more cyclists are injured in drunken cycling safety equipment bondage sessions than are saved by helmet use. Don't become another statistic--how many of us need to wake up beaten and surrounded by empty chicken buckets with our hands and feet u-locked to four poster beds before we change our Boonen-like ways? Yes, it's a slippery slope to self-destruction, and that's because it's coated with chicken grease.

Sadly, though, the perversity isn't going to end soon. This past Saturday, "Bicycle Fetish Day" took place in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and a reader snapped this shot of a reverse-drive tall bike:



Meanwhile, half a world away in Taiwan, somebody's rubbing a Chunk:


Still, there are some encouraging signs. This ride may have riser bars and no brakes, but the rear rack is a nod to the "new practicality," and it's also locked up very securely:


Not sure about that steep head tube angle and proprietary headset though.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Firstly, it gives me great pleasure to finally announce the winner of that wacky Fat Cyclist contest. Please join me in congratulating Brad Wedemeyer:


Brad not only looks like that guy from Queens of the Stone Age, but he also looks really fit, which is bad news for me since we're going to "slay" a road ride and I'll probably get "dropped" like a new fixed-gear product. Moreover, Brad is soon to find out that my company is slightly less scintillating than that of the tree with which he is pictured, so my plan is to spike his Enervit with neuroenhancing drugs so that I'll seem more interesting. After than, we'll have lunch, at which point he will be mobbed for autographs by Queens of the Stone Age fans and I'll be left sobbing in my "Moons Over My Hammy." (Brad doesn't yet know I'm taking him to Denny's.)

Speaking of drugs, you've probably heard by now that baseball-playing guy Manny Ramirez has been suspended for doping. Now, I have no interest in baseball, partially because it's arguably an SIB (or "Sport Involving Belts"), and also because I was once knocked out by an aluminum bat at day camp and have not been right since. Nonetheless, I was especially amused by this comment from Ramirez:

Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons. [emphasis mine]

15 drug tests in five seasons? Please. Passing three tests a year is nothing to brag about. Lance Armstrong gets tested 15 times during a single episode of "Gossip Girl." (I hear he never misses an episode.) Anyone who follows the sport of cycling knows that these baseball guys are obviously way behind the curve. If doping and drug testing were fashion, cycling would be downtown New York City and baseball would be some rural eastern European town where people have just discovered the Beatles and they're finally getting episodes of "Mister Ed." Now, don't get me wrong--I think incessant testing is absurd. However, as a jaded cycling fan who's beyond tired of the sport's obsession with doping, I'm perversely pleased that at least baseball fans now have to deal with it too.

And with that, I'm presenting you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think carefully, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know it, and if you're wrong you'll see what is either a bicycle safety PSA or an anti-LSD PSA, I'm not entirely sure which.

Ride safe this weekend, and go easy on the hallucinogens. Oh, and if you're in Minneapolis go see Stevil of HTATBL's art show (which you can enjoy with or without hallucinogens).

--BSNYC/RTMS



1) This picture, forwarded by a reader in Geneva, Switzerland, is evidence that:

--Geneva needs more bike racks
--Dutch city bikes and fixed-gears have begun to breed
--The Loch Ness Monster may have relocated, as its head is visible through that tri-spoke
--Jan Ullrich is at a nearby bakery, as this is clearly his bike





2) This bicycle is remarkable because:

--It appears to have a TTMMM (Top Tube-Mounted Mini Maglite)
--It appears to have a spare tire lodged in the spokes
--Those appear to be the very pedals on which Bernard Hinault won the Tour de France in 1985
--All of the above




3) Locking a folding bike outside is like:

--Using an eccentric rear hub on a bike with track ends
--Using a pie plate on a fixed-gear
--Riding a tandem by yourself
--All of the above



4) Good news for bicycle commuters! New York City has finally implemented a new bike lane concession program!

--True
--False




5) What are these?

--Pipe flanges
--Part of the overhead cam assembly on a 1978 Suzuki GS750
--Worn bushings from a Mavic freehub
--Some goofy bike rack in Seattle




6) Where in Canada can you find these bike racks, from which bikes can be stolen by removing a single bolt?

--Vancouver, BC
--Toronto, ON
--Banff, AB
--Buffalo, NY



7) Which is not a good reason to buy this bike, which was for sale this morning in Brooklyn?

--You often travel with a small dog
--Your Dutch city bike is too "racy"
--You're in a hurry
--Water bottle bosses mean you stay hydrated without taking up valuable basket space




8) The owner of this bike wants to trade it for a:

--90s Redline BMX
--80s Italian road bike
--Dutch city bike
--Danish cargo bike





9) Why is this car ironic?

--It's in the bike lane
--It's a New York Yankees car with New Jersey plates
--The dashboard sported an "Official MLB Urine Collection Vehicle" parking permit
--Manny Ramirez was driving

***Special Wheelbrow-Themed Bonus Question***

Which pro cyclist palps a fixed-gear with fenders?

--Christian Vande Velde
--Dave Zabriskie
--Jens Voigt
--Andy Schleck

Bike Setups: Low Brows, High Headtubes

With the Giro d'Italia starting this weekend, the Grand Tour season is officially upon us. If you think of professional cycling in terms of popular entertainment, the Classics are kind of like Neil LaBute plays in that you watch them in one sitting and they're all about suffering, whereas the Grand Tours are more like Lifetime miniseries since they take place over a span of weeks and are full of schmaltz and melodrama. Another hallmark of the Grand Tours is the rumor, speculation, and controversy they always generate. One particularly controversial rider is Alexander Vinokourov, who was suspended for doping but is hoping to return in time to contest the Vuelta a España. And in another journalistic coup, a reader has forwarded me a photo of what appears to be Alexander Vinokourov training stateside:



Vino appears to have accumulated some leg hair during his suspension, and he's also clearly grown a foot or two (in height--he always had feet), but he hasn't lost that look of determination:


Nor has he gained any eyebrows:



Speaking of eyebrows, as I predicted on Monday, this is indeed turning out to be a wet, wheelbrowy kind of week. Indeed, the New York City metropolitan area is like a drunk on a bender right now in that there's no way it's going to dry out before the weekend is over. As such, I'm keeping the Peter Gallagher Wheel Eyebrow Advisory (PGWEA) in place through Friday:


For Saturday, I'm replacing the PGWEA with a Noel Gallagher from Oasis Fudguard Warning (NGFOFW). It looks like the rain stops on Sunday, but I'm guessing the roads will still be wet in places, hence the Intermittent Vanilla Icebrow (IVI). The sun finally comes out on Monday, at which point hopefully we will finally experience clear Vinokourov wheelbrowless conditions.

In the meantime, New York City cyclists continue to cope with the dampness in a variety of ways. If you ride a designer track bike or a Dutch city bike, you simply leave your bike at home. (I'd been seeing lots of Dutch city bikes around town until the rain began. I guess the bikes are good for the rain but the cycle-chic wardrobes aren't.) If you ride a more pedestrian track bike, you rock a low-riding beaver tail-style filth prophylactic. And regardless of what you ride, you might even opt for a makeshift saddle-mounted rain bonnet:


This is a common sight on bicycles parked in New York City on rainy days, and it makes sense since nobody likes to sit on a wet saddle. Moreover in New York City it's nearly impossible to purchase even a tiny item without the shop proprietor shoving it in a plastic bag. Pack of gum? Bag. Purple Drank? Bag. Not buying anything but just need a bag for your saddle because it's raining out and you don't have one? Well, they'll give you one, but they'll put it in a bag. (Yes, you can say you don't need a bag, but the bagging process is so deeply ingrained in their muscle memory that they can't stop themselves from doing it.) As such, we've been forced to find uses for all these bags, and making rain bonnets is just one of them.

Obviously, the bodega bag rain bonnet is free (unless you count the price of the Purple Drank), but I'm sure it will only be a matter of time before someone starts making them and trying to sell them to you. After all, Brooks saddles and vintage Turbos are all the rage, and you wouldn't want to sheathe one of those in just anything. Oh, wait, someone already is making them:

Never mind. (Interestingly, of all the things the Brooks owner apparently feels the need to protect his saddle from, his own ass isn't one of them.)

Speaking of contagion, nothing is easier to catch than the upgrade bug. Upgrading is a disease, and once you start upgrading your bike it spreads so quickly and easily that it makes the swine flu seem like ice cold cream cheese. No sooner do you put that fancy Brooks (or vintage Turbo, or Arione crabon) saddle on your bike than you start thinking about how crappy your seatpost is in comparison. Fortunately, giant headtube specialists Seven have finally come to the rescue with a new $325 titanium seatpost:

Price aside, I'm not sure what the point is of a "custom" seatpost that is only available in 27.2. I can certainly understand not being able to find a post in the right diameter for your frame and thus needing something custom, but you can change the length of pretty much any seatpost:

Yes, "customizing" your seatpost really is that simple. Buying this Seven seatpost is like buying a pair of "custom" shoes that only come in size 10 1/2--but you can "customize" the length of the laces.

But you can't really blame Seven for a gambit like this; after all, their tall headtube supremacy has been challenged by Serotta, as you probably noticed on Conan the Vinokourov's bike above, which features a truly monumental headtube:


Maybe if I had a lofty, intimidating headtube like this then "stroller salmon" would be afraid to play chicken with me (pardon the mixed animal metaphors) in the bike lane:



Though I'd also probably be too far away from the road to spot potential hazards:


Yes, glass can obviously damage your tires severely, so should always palp a top-tube serape:


This way, if you encounter glass, oil slicks, or rough pavement, all you need to do is unfurl your serape, lay it down over the obstruction, and then safely pass. Once you're across, simply shake out your serape, roll it up, and continue on your way. It's also especially handy for old-fashioned bike-date chivalry. (Note that you can rub an auxiliary serape on your headtube if yours is sufficently tall.)

Less useful in my opinion than the top-tube serape is the top-tube pad, which amazingly people continue to rock:



Not only that, but apparently they continue to covet Deep-Vs and Aerospokes, too. Frankly, I'd think these trends would be dying off by now, but it looks like they're not. Perhaps I was wrong and the new practicality is still a long way off.

Or is it? I was heartened to come across this entry from a frequent commenter on this very blog:



I enjoyed this entry for a number of reasons. Not only am I a fan of wheelbrows and easy-to-read diagrams, but the bike also appears to have Ortlieb panniers, and if I were a European pro I'd like my name to be Ortlieb Pannier since not only am I full of random crap but I can usually be found hanging off the back. Still, I did find this bike severely lacking in the headtube department:


Puts things in perspective, doesn't it?

Odds and Bar-Ends: Cannibal Time Trials, Vegan Bikes

As a cycling blogger, every so often I get the opportunity to break a big story. For example, some of you may be old enough to remember the Aerospoke crisis of aught-seven and the panic that ensued. Well, it's entirely possible I may be on the scent of another scoop. An informant in Boulder, CO has sent me the following photo of team Garmin-Slipstream which could have far-reaching implications:

According to the informant, the team was trackstanding en masse on a grassy field. While an ordinary cycling journalist might dismiss this as simply being some kind of bike-handling exercise, I refuse to accept facile explanations. Would Woodward and Bernstein have broken the Watergate scandal if Woodward hadn't bothered to return Deep Throat's calls? Would Fletch have broken the big story about the chief of police being involved in Los Angeles drug trafficking if he had simply listened to his editor? Would we know that Kirstie Alley has gained 83 pounds if People was afraid to ask the hard questions? The answer to all these questions is, of course, "meh." This is why I choose to probe deeper, and I'm currently working on three theories:

1) Garmin-Slipstream director Jonathan Vaughters is involved in a sinister plot to bribe the UCI to make fixed-gear freestyling a sanctioned discipline beginning in 2010, and he is training his squad in anticipation of this. Garmin-Slipstream will continue to ride Felt bicycles next year, though they'll move from the F1 SL to the Curbside.

2) Garmin-Slipstream's title sponsor makes shoddy equipment, though the team is contractually obligated to use their GPS products at all times. As such, what was to be a five-hour training ride wound up being fifteen minutes of riding around in circles in a local park.

3) Garmin-Slipstream's rigorous anti-doping policy does not extend to recreational drugs, and the team has just eaten a bunch of psychedelic mushrooms and is "tripping balls." When asked to comment, Jonathan Vaughters replied esoterically, "All you haters trip my balls."

At the moment, I'm leaning towards theory #3.

Of course, until I catch somebody red-handed (or at least with dilated pupils), all of this is simply speculation and my Pulitzer is but a fantasy. What I really need is 100-150 people to take to the streets on my behalf in order to uncover the truth, but another reader informs me they're already in San Francisco looking for a stolen bike:





Stolen Messenger Bike (In front of 400 McAllister)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-05-05, 9:35AM PDT

Stolen : This bike was stolen from in front of the SF superior Court house around 4pm to 4:20 pm on Monday, 5/4/09. Please understand that the bike described below is the way I make my living and there are approx. 100-150 people looking for this bike. All of these people have a tendency to take this kind of action against an individual of our community very personally, so the return of this bike is highly recommended. I will not take any responsibility for what they might do to anyone caught with this bike. I will pay a reward for any information that leads to the recovery of this bike. Also understand that there is a police report filed with the SFPD and this theft is considered grand larceny, a felony.

57cm Lemond Road Bike, Blue and White
Components are listed as such;
Chris King Headset- silver
Campi Centaur brake set - gunmetal grey
Campi Xenon cranks - 170mm length
Campi Chorus BB
Campi Veloce rear derailleur
Campi Chorus Front derailleur
Vuelta XRP Comp wheel set w/ Continental Gator Skin tires
3TTT Morph bars
Campi Chorus 9 spd shifters ( the right shifter paddle is a cut out version while the left one is not)
Black top tube pad and tan and white checker pad on seat tube
SRAM chain
Thompson Elite seat post
F' izik saddle
Ritchey comp stem
IDENTIFYING stickers:

CMWC Seattle sticker on the top inside of the seat tube
Black print sticker on white background stating " If you steal anything off this bike you will be beat about the face and head. "

The rear wheel was "free locked" to the seat tube with my Catlike helmet(white) attached to it.

IF YOU STOLE THIS BIKE AND RETURN IT, NO QUESTIONS WILL BE ASKED AND THE "DOGS" WILL BE CALLED OFF!


Firstly, I'd like to state quite clearly that I have nothing but respect for bike messengers as well as all delivery professionals (except for UPS drivers when they block traffic). Secondly, I'd also like to state that I empathize with anybody who is a victim of bike theft. Thirdly, even though it's completely irrelevant, while I'm making sweeping pronouncements I wish it to be known that I think there are far too many flavors of potato chip on the market and I think we've reached point at which the government should step in. Lastly, it should go without saying that if you have any information about this bike you should get in touch with the owner.

That said, this may very well be the most self-important reaction to a bike theft since Pee Wee's bike got stolen and he implicated the Soviets in his eponymous "Big Adventure." It could be that this self-importance is entirely justified, since this person apparently commands an army of 100-150 people who are willing to kill or maim for him, though it also could be typical messenger self-righteousness. As cyclists, we're all self-righteous in our own way, and messenger self-righteousness manifests itself in the attitude that they are performing a public service and as such should be afforded by society the same degree of respect and gratitude ordinarily reserved for firefighters and war veterans. Consequently, the only crime greater than "rocking" a bike or accessory traditionally rocked by a messenger is stealing a messenger's bicycle--even if that bicycle has been "free locked." "Free locking" a bike means simply locking the wheel to the frame instead of locking the whole bike to something else, and the term is especially fitting since it means the bike is "free" for the taking. Simply locking your bike to itself is like marrying your sibling, in that it's only slightly more convenient but the consequences are far more likely to be disastrous. You should always lock your bike to something that's difficult to make off with, and since nothing's more difficult to make off with than the planet Earth try locking up to it or at least something securely attached to it. (Otherwise, if you're not a bike messenger who commands an army of hundreds, you might wind up like this guy.)

Then again, this problem may just be something specific to LeMonds, since another reader spied this example of an unlocked "LeMondFoil" recently in New York City:

More likely, though, the bike is unlocked because it would be difficult or impossible to lock a frame like this--even if only to itself. Instead, the owner must resort to flipping the bike upside-down in the hope that a thief will be too confused to figure out how to ride it. I must admit, it almost succeeds, since in this configuration it looks more like some kind of modern office building sculpture than it does a bicycle. In any case, it's better than my own method, which involves leaving a bag of barbecue-flavored potato chips near my bike so that I can follow the thief's orange fingerprints.

And thieves aren't the only ones confused by strange-looking bicycles. The UCI also finds them bewildering, which is why they're placing new restrictions on time trial bikes. A reader forwarded me this article from the New York Times (which has been covering cycling recently with alarming frequency) in which Cervélo expresses concern that these new rules might kill their company:

While this might sound like the sort of paranoia so typical of Canadians, the UCI pretty much confirms this is exactly what they're setting out to do:

This is no idle threat, either--after all, it was just this sort of ruling that killed the Y-Foil in the first place.

Personally, I'm all in favor of forcing all riders to do time trials on regular road bikes "Cannibal-style." But when aero is outlawed, only outlaws will be aero. Erik K sent me this photograph (of a Cervélo no less) in which a pair of bar-ends provide for an extremely aggressive position:



I'm not sure if this setup is allowed for mass-start races, and frankly I can't be bothered to look it up. Regardless, it certainly is dangerous, since there's barely any room between the bar-ends and the tire and you run a good chance of completely scraping off your knuckle tattoos. No, you're much better off using them in the traditional manner, which is to create antlers:



This setup keeps your hands safely away from your tire, as well as from your flashlight loudspeaker:


According to the copy, this device eliminates "faffing about:"


Apparently, though, it still allows for "foffing off," which is what the guy in the picture appears to be doing.

But what if you're a tinkerer yet you're not interested in safety or multiple hand positions? Well, you can always palp a pair of brass knuckle grips:



This is an ideal setup for hunting a LeMond thief among an army of hundreds, as well as for crashing, being unable to remove your hands from your bars, and breaking all your fingers--though I'm sure they look great with knuckle tattoos.

Of course, if you're more of a peaceful sort, you can always rub a Vegan Masi, as spotted by a reader in Seattle:



I'm not entirely convinced this bike is vegan safe though, since there's nothing cheesier than Aerospokes.