Bike Setups: Low Brows, High Headtubes

With the Giro d'Italia starting this weekend, the Grand Tour season is officially upon us. If you think of professional cycling in terms of popular entertainment, the Classics are kind of like Neil LaBute plays in that you watch them in one sitting and they're all about suffering, whereas the Grand Tours are more like Lifetime miniseries since they take place over a span of weeks and are full of schmaltz and melodrama. Another hallmark of the Grand Tours is the rumor, speculation, and controversy they always generate. One particularly controversial rider is Alexander Vinokourov, who was suspended for doping but is hoping to return in time to contest the Vuelta a España. And in another journalistic coup, a reader has forwarded me a photo of what appears to be Alexander Vinokourov training stateside:



Vino appears to have accumulated some leg hair during his suspension, and he's also clearly grown a foot or two (in height--he always had feet), but he hasn't lost that look of determination:


Nor has he gained any eyebrows:



Speaking of eyebrows, as I predicted on Monday, this is indeed turning out to be a wet, wheelbrowy kind of week. Indeed, the New York City metropolitan area is like a drunk on a bender right now in that there's no way it's going to dry out before the weekend is over. As such, I'm keeping the Peter Gallagher Wheel Eyebrow Advisory (PGWEA) in place through Friday:


For Saturday, I'm replacing the PGWEA with a Noel Gallagher from Oasis Fudguard Warning (NGFOFW). It looks like the rain stops on Sunday, but I'm guessing the roads will still be wet in places, hence the Intermittent Vanilla Icebrow (IVI). The sun finally comes out on Monday, at which point hopefully we will finally experience clear Vinokourov wheelbrowless conditions.

In the meantime, New York City cyclists continue to cope with the dampness in a variety of ways. If you ride a designer track bike or a Dutch city bike, you simply leave your bike at home. (I'd been seeing lots of Dutch city bikes around town until the rain began. I guess the bikes are good for the rain but the cycle-chic wardrobes aren't.) If you ride a more pedestrian track bike, you rock a low-riding beaver tail-style filth prophylactic. And regardless of what you ride, you might even opt for a makeshift saddle-mounted rain bonnet:


This is a common sight on bicycles parked in New York City on rainy days, and it makes sense since nobody likes to sit on a wet saddle. Moreover in New York City it's nearly impossible to purchase even a tiny item without the shop proprietor shoving it in a plastic bag. Pack of gum? Bag. Purple Drank? Bag. Not buying anything but just need a bag for your saddle because it's raining out and you don't have one? Well, they'll give you one, but they'll put it in a bag. (Yes, you can say you don't need a bag, but the bagging process is so deeply ingrained in their muscle memory that they can't stop themselves from doing it.) As such, we've been forced to find uses for all these bags, and making rain bonnets is just one of them.

Obviously, the bodega bag rain bonnet is free (unless you count the price of the Purple Drank), but I'm sure it will only be a matter of time before someone starts making them and trying to sell them to you. After all, Brooks saddles and vintage Turbos are all the rage, and you wouldn't want to sheathe one of those in just anything. Oh, wait, someone already is making them:

Never mind. (Interestingly, of all the things the Brooks owner apparently feels the need to protect his saddle from, his own ass isn't one of them.)

Speaking of contagion, nothing is easier to catch than the upgrade bug. Upgrading is a disease, and once you start upgrading your bike it spreads so quickly and easily that it makes the swine flu seem like ice cold cream cheese. No sooner do you put that fancy Brooks (or vintage Turbo, or Arione crabon) saddle on your bike than you start thinking about how crappy your seatpost is in comparison. Fortunately, giant headtube specialists Seven have finally come to the rescue with a new $325 titanium seatpost:

Price aside, I'm not sure what the point is of a "custom" seatpost that is only available in 27.2. I can certainly understand not being able to find a post in the right diameter for your frame and thus needing something custom, but you can change the length of pretty much any seatpost:

Yes, "customizing" your seatpost really is that simple. Buying this Seven seatpost is like buying a pair of "custom" shoes that only come in size 10 1/2--but you can "customize" the length of the laces.

But you can't really blame Seven for a gambit like this; after all, their tall headtube supremacy has been challenged by Serotta, as you probably noticed on Conan the Vinokourov's bike above, which features a truly monumental headtube:


Maybe if I had a lofty, intimidating headtube like this then "stroller salmon" would be afraid to play chicken with me (pardon the mixed animal metaphors) in the bike lane:



Though I'd also probably be too far away from the road to spot potential hazards:


Yes, glass can obviously damage your tires severely, so should always palp a top-tube serape:


This way, if you encounter glass, oil slicks, or rough pavement, all you need to do is unfurl your serape, lay it down over the obstruction, and then safely pass. Once you're across, simply shake out your serape, roll it up, and continue on your way. It's also especially handy for old-fashioned bike-date chivalry. (Note that you can rub an auxiliary serape on your headtube if yours is sufficently tall.)

Less useful in my opinion than the top-tube serape is the top-tube pad, which amazingly people continue to rock:



Not only that, but apparently they continue to covet Deep-Vs and Aerospokes, too. Frankly, I'd think these trends would be dying off by now, but it looks like they're not. Perhaps I was wrong and the new practicality is still a long way off.

Or is it? I was heartened to come across this entry from a frequent commenter on this very blog:



I enjoyed this entry for a number of reasons. Not only am I a fan of wheelbrows and easy-to-read diagrams, but the bike also appears to have Ortlieb panniers, and if I were a European pro I'd like my name to be Ortlieb Pannier since not only am I full of random crap but I can usually be found hanging off the back. Still, I did find this bike severely lacking in the headtube department:


Puts things in perspective, doesn't it?

Odds and Bar-Ends: Cannibal Time Trials, Vegan Bikes

As a cycling blogger, every so often I get the opportunity to break a big story. For example, some of you may be old enough to remember the Aerospoke crisis of aught-seven and the panic that ensued. Well, it's entirely possible I may be on the scent of another scoop. An informant in Boulder, CO has sent me the following photo of team Garmin-Slipstream which could have far-reaching implications:

According to the informant, the team was trackstanding en masse on a grassy field. While an ordinary cycling journalist might dismiss this as simply being some kind of bike-handling exercise, I refuse to accept facile explanations. Would Woodward and Bernstein have broken the Watergate scandal if Woodward hadn't bothered to return Deep Throat's calls? Would Fletch have broken the big story about the chief of police being involved in Los Angeles drug trafficking if he had simply listened to his editor? Would we know that Kirstie Alley has gained 83 pounds if People was afraid to ask the hard questions? The answer to all these questions is, of course, "meh." This is why I choose to probe deeper, and I'm currently working on three theories:

1) Garmin-Slipstream director Jonathan Vaughters is involved in a sinister plot to bribe the UCI to make fixed-gear freestyling a sanctioned discipline beginning in 2010, and he is training his squad in anticipation of this. Garmin-Slipstream will continue to ride Felt bicycles next year, though they'll move from the F1 SL to the Curbside.

2) Garmin-Slipstream's title sponsor makes shoddy equipment, though the team is contractually obligated to use their GPS products at all times. As such, what was to be a five-hour training ride wound up being fifteen minutes of riding around in circles in a local park.

3) Garmin-Slipstream's rigorous anti-doping policy does not extend to recreational drugs, and the team has just eaten a bunch of psychedelic mushrooms and is "tripping balls." When asked to comment, Jonathan Vaughters replied esoterically, "All you haters trip my balls."

At the moment, I'm leaning towards theory #3.

Of course, until I catch somebody red-handed (or at least with dilated pupils), all of this is simply speculation and my Pulitzer is but a fantasy. What I really need is 100-150 people to take to the streets on my behalf in order to uncover the truth, but another reader informs me they're already in San Francisco looking for a stolen bike:





Stolen Messenger Bike (In front of 400 McAllister)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-05-05, 9:35AM PDT

Stolen : This bike was stolen from in front of the SF superior Court house around 4pm to 4:20 pm on Monday, 5/4/09. Please understand that the bike described below is the way I make my living and there are approx. 100-150 people looking for this bike. All of these people have a tendency to take this kind of action against an individual of our community very personally, so the return of this bike is highly recommended. I will not take any responsibility for what they might do to anyone caught with this bike. I will pay a reward for any information that leads to the recovery of this bike. Also understand that there is a police report filed with the SFPD and this theft is considered grand larceny, a felony.

57cm Lemond Road Bike, Blue and White
Components are listed as such;
Chris King Headset- silver
Campi Centaur brake set - gunmetal grey
Campi Xenon cranks - 170mm length
Campi Chorus BB
Campi Veloce rear derailleur
Campi Chorus Front derailleur
Vuelta XRP Comp wheel set w/ Continental Gator Skin tires
3TTT Morph bars
Campi Chorus 9 spd shifters ( the right shifter paddle is a cut out version while the left one is not)
Black top tube pad and tan and white checker pad on seat tube
SRAM chain
Thompson Elite seat post
F' izik saddle
Ritchey comp stem
IDENTIFYING stickers:

CMWC Seattle sticker on the top inside of the seat tube
Black print sticker on white background stating " If you steal anything off this bike you will be beat about the face and head. "

The rear wheel was "free locked" to the seat tube with my Catlike helmet(white) attached to it.

IF YOU STOLE THIS BIKE AND RETURN IT, NO QUESTIONS WILL BE ASKED AND THE "DOGS" WILL BE CALLED OFF!


Firstly, I'd like to state quite clearly that I have nothing but respect for bike messengers as well as all delivery professionals (except for UPS drivers when they block traffic). Secondly, I'd also like to state that I empathize with anybody who is a victim of bike theft. Thirdly, even though it's completely irrelevant, while I'm making sweeping pronouncements I wish it to be known that I think there are far too many flavors of potato chip on the market and I think we've reached point at which the government should step in. Lastly, it should go without saying that if you have any information about this bike you should get in touch with the owner.

That said, this may very well be the most self-important reaction to a bike theft since Pee Wee's bike got stolen and he implicated the Soviets in his eponymous "Big Adventure." It could be that this self-importance is entirely justified, since this person apparently commands an army of 100-150 people who are willing to kill or maim for him, though it also could be typical messenger self-righteousness. As cyclists, we're all self-righteous in our own way, and messenger self-righteousness manifests itself in the attitude that they are performing a public service and as such should be afforded by society the same degree of respect and gratitude ordinarily reserved for firefighters and war veterans. Consequently, the only crime greater than "rocking" a bike or accessory traditionally rocked by a messenger is stealing a messenger's bicycle--even if that bicycle has been "free locked." "Free locking" a bike means simply locking the wheel to the frame instead of locking the whole bike to something else, and the term is especially fitting since it means the bike is "free" for the taking. Simply locking your bike to itself is like marrying your sibling, in that it's only slightly more convenient but the consequences are far more likely to be disastrous. You should always lock your bike to something that's difficult to make off with, and since nothing's more difficult to make off with than the planet Earth try locking up to it or at least something securely attached to it. (Otherwise, if you're not a bike messenger who commands an army of hundreds, you might wind up like this guy.)

Then again, this problem may just be something specific to LeMonds, since another reader spied this example of an unlocked "LeMondFoil" recently in New York City:

More likely, though, the bike is unlocked because it would be difficult or impossible to lock a frame like this--even if only to itself. Instead, the owner must resort to flipping the bike upside-down in the hope that a thief will be too confused to figure out how to ride it. I must admit, it almost succeeds, since in this configuration it looks more like some kind of modern office building sculpture than it does a bicycle. In any case, it's better than my own method, which involves leaving a bag of barbecue-flavored potato chips near my bike so that I can follow the thief's orange fingerprints.

And thieves aren't the only ones confused by strange-looking bicycles. The UCI also finds them bewildering, which is why they're placing new restrictions on time trial bikes. A reader forwarded me this article from the New York Times (which has been covering cycling recently with alarming frequency) in which Cervélo expresses concern that these new rules might kill their company:

While this might sound like the sort of paranoia so typical of Canadians, the UCI pretty much confirms this is exactly what they're setting out to do:

This is no idle threat, either--after all, it was just this sort of ruling that killed the Y-Foil in the first place.

Personally, I'm all in favor of forcing all riders to do time trials on regular road bikes "Cannibal-style." But when aero is outlawed, only outlaws will be aero. Erik K sent me this photograph (of a Cervélo no less) in which a pair of bar-ends provide for an extremely aggressive position:



I'm not sure if this setup is allowed for mass-start races, and frankly I can't be bothered to look it up. Regardless, it certainly is dangerous, since there's barely any room between the bar-ends and the tire and you run a good chance of completely scraping off your knuckle tattoos. No, you're much better off using them in the traditional manner, which is to create antlers:



This setup keeps your hands safely away from your tire, as well as from your flashlight loudspeaker:


According to the copy, this device eliminates "faffing about:"


Apparently, though, it still allows for "foffing off," which is what the guy in the picture appears to be doing.

But what if you're a tinkerer yet you're not interested in safety or multiple hand positions? Well, you can always palp a pair of brass knuckle grips:



This is an ideal setup for hunting a LeMond thief among an army of hundreds, as well as for crashing, being unable to remove your hands from your bars, and breaking all your fingers--though I'm sure they look great with knuckle tattoos.

Of course, if you're more of a peaceful sort, you can always rub a Vegan Masi, as spotted by a reader in Seattle:



I'm not entirely convinced this bike is vegan safe though, since there's nothing cheesier than Aerospokes.

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Compression

In yesterday's post, I mentioned that commuting by bicycle can be a battle. Well, that was certainly the case for me this morning. As I rode smugly along in the bike lane, duly obeying all the local ordinances (at least those pertaining to operating bicycles--I may have been rocking a Cone of Smugness but I only wear pants on special occasions) and silently congratulating myself for palping wheelbrows, I noticed a bike salmon approaching me head-on. Simultaneously, a taxi driver decided that now would be an opportune moment to pull over into the bike lane--so opportune, in fact, that he couldn't even spare a second to make sure nobody was there. As such, I found myself bound by parked cars on my left, a merging taxi on my right, and a moron of the order Velo-salmoniformes coming at me head-on.

At that moment, I knew that I was going to have to punch something. My first choice of course would have been the bike salmon, but there was really no way to do this since he was still a few feet away. So instead I settled on punching the taxi repeatedly, until the driver finally realized he was about to crush me and came to a stop. I lost track of the bike salmon at that moment, but I can only assume he either hopped onto the sidewalk or else leaped into the air, his white underbelly glistening in the soft light of a rainy morning. The driver was apologetic, but nonetheless I informed him that I was going to have to photograph him for my project. Here he is in the process of raising the window and quickly putting the taxi in "drive:"



And here he is alongside the guy I mentioned in the Times article:



I'm sure you'll agree the project is coming along nicely.

I wish I could say that this was my only brush with disaster in the last 24 hours, but unfortunately that is not the case, because yesterday evening I also found myself watching a few minutes of the "The Jazz Singer," starring hirsute schmaltz-monger Neil Diamond. As it happened, I tuned in during some kind of love montage, and I was amused to note that at one point Diamond and his love interest ride by on a tandem:


This was followed by the infamous Bangladeshi riot scene:


After which came one of the most tender depictions of lovemaking ever captured on celluloid:


Incidentally, Neil Diamond has a pretty impressive set of eyebrows. He may have looked pretty wobbly on that tandem, but I bet he could fix the hell out of a bike:


In more recent cycling news, Italian national champion Filippo Simeoni has returned his tricolore jersey in protest of his team's exclusion from the Giro d'Italia. Morever, Simeoni also believes that Lance Armstrong may be behind the snub, since they've got an ongoing feud and Armstrong did cockblock him on that Tour stage back in 2004. I suppose if this is true then it's somewhat troubling, though it's also pretty hard to take the whole thing seriously after all these years. Really, at this point Armstrong and Simeoni are less conspirator and victim than they are Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau in "Grumpy Old Men." I'm hoping that one day somebody makes a movie about the Armstrong/Simeoni feud, if only because Simeoni's hotheaded Italian outrage would make for some great hijinx. Just add Paul Kimmage as the pesky journalist (think the Ed Rooney character in "Ferris Bueller's Day off") and you've got comedy gold!

And fortunately for Simeoni, if he gets so fed up that he decides to leave the sport altogether, he can always get a job as a "biking concierge:"

This sounds like a perfect gig for Simeoni, since according to the article nobody has actually used this particular hotel's biking concierge yet, so he'd have all day free to sit around smoldering and plotting his revenge. This would also make a great movie--the story of a bitter and twisted Italian biking concierge in an Irish hotel could potentially be the "There Will Be Blood" of cycling movies.

Speaking of mounting pressure, the world of cycling is all abuzz recently with talk of compression garments:


This is actually a rare instance of fixed-gear riders being well ahead of the curve, since they've been wearing "compression garments" in the form of tight jeans for years:

While many have dismissed tight jeans as a fad, the truth is that the compression helps blood circulate blood to the heart. This may not translate into better cycling performance (at least as employed by the "fixters"), but it does allow them to reap maximum benefits from their American Spirit cigarettes and cheap canned beer. Unfortunately, this in turn can lead to premature aging, as you can see in the photo above.

And compression garments may not be the only thing triathletes and "hipsters" share; a reader in Seattle has spotted further evidence of the triathlon/hipster crossover in the form of this "hipsterized" Specialized Transition:


Meanwhile, a reader in the UK may have spotted a new trend in theft-prevention:



At first glance, the diminutive purple cable lock looks better suited to securing a teenage girl's ponytail than it does to securing a bike. However, upon closer inspection, a grave warning is visible:


Upon contemplating this message, the thief realizes that, if he steals this person's bike, then this person will be forced to ride his other bike: which is of course the thief's mum. And even the most hardened criminal does not want his mum to be ridden by a stranger. Thus, the stencil is indeed mightier than the lock.

Battling Stereotypes: Staying Dry in a Storm of Conflict

Cycling can be a battle. If you race, you do battle with the course and with other riders. If you commute, you do battle with traffic. If you're a randonneur (or, in English, a "rando-nerd"), you do battle with fatigue and the elements. And if you're a recumbent cyclist, you do battle with common sense. For this reason, generally speaking we cyclists tend to be docile, peace-loving people when we're off the bike. Not only have we already fought our battles while riding, but we're also just tired. For this reason, I was disappointed to learn that I've been unwittingly entered into the "Battle of the Blogs:"


I don't know what the "Battle of the Blogs" is, but my best guess is it's some kind of battle involving blogs. I also don't really understand the point of fighting against other blogs, especially when those other blogs really have nothing to do with your own. My blog, as you've probably figured out by now, is about cycling, whereas Brooklyn Vegan is about music. Here's a recent entry featuring a picture of Pete Seeger, who is celebrating his 130th birthday:



Now, I don't know who is organizing this "battle," or what they expect will take place. Are we supposed to lay down the metaphorical linoleum and take turns breakdancing? I have no intention of fighting with any blogs (except possibly "The Climb," though I think Robert Mackey probably abandoned cycling shortly after his final post), and I especially have no interest in fighting with a music blog. Moreover, I'm assuming Brooklyn Vegan is a vegan blog (judging from both the name and the absence of recipes involving animal by-products), and vegans are supposed to be peace-loving people just like cyclists are, so they probably don't want to fight me either. (Of course, the meekest of all people are vegan cyclists, who can be beaten into submission with stalks of steamed asparagus.)

So in the spirit of peace, century-old folk singers, and limp asparagus, I'm turning the other pannier on this so-called "Battle of the Blogs," and so if for some reason you're inclined to vote I encourage you to vote for Brooklyn Vegan. Hopefully that will put an end to the cycle of virtual violence, these people will stop bothering me, and I can go back to having real altercations with actual people while I'm riding.

Speaking of asparagus, a reader was recently at a Whole Foods in some part of the world, where he spotted this compelling brake lever setup:



A SCMNABL (or "Single Centrally-Mounted Non-Aero Brake Lever") is a rare sight indeed and I'm very grateful to this reader for sharing it. If someone at Brooklyn Vegan is reading right now, I hope they can somehow get word of this to Pete Seeger, who would doubtless be inspired to write a song about it. (It wouldn't be too hard; he could just take "If I Had a Hammer" and replace the word "hammer" with "Single Centrally-Mounted Non-Aero Brake Lever.") And as if the SCMNABL weren't inspiring enough, it's clear from the photos that the rider also palps a complete set of "wheel eyebrows:"



While much has been made of the "fender debate," the truth is that when it comes to "fenguards" not everybody takes a side. Some people are perfectly happy to ride a fenderless bike in good weather, and to rub a bike with fenders when conditions are poor. (You can run, rub, or palp fenders, but under no circumstances can you "rock" them. "Rocking" fenders is like "slaying" asparagus, or like a vegan being hungry enough to eat a horse.) If you're one of these craven ambi-fenderous wafflers, you probably check the weather forecast frequently so you can decide which bike to ride, and here in New York City it looks like it's definitely going to be a wet week:



At this point, Monday and Tuesday look like they're both going to be "wheel eyebrow" days, though things might dry out a bit on Wednesday so there's a chance you may not need them by then. However, rain will return later in the week, so I'm issuing a Peter Gallagher Wheel Eyebrow Advisory for Thursday and Friday:


Trust me, a PGWEA is not something you want to take lightly. You may even want to put some "wheel eyebrows" on your Land Rover for good measure:


But while you certainly can't count on dry weather in spring, you can at least count on the bridges being free of snow and ice, which is why I've been able to suspend the BSNYC Bridge Report (sponsored by Ragtote). Even so, there are occasionally other types of hazards on the bridge, so if you're still feeling apprehensive before setting out you can always check the NYC Bridge Report on Twitter, apparently brought to you by Transportation Alternatives:

I opined on Friday that the "bike community" can't work together, but clearly I've been proven wrong. Not only is it reuniting people with their lost eyeglasses, but it's also helping its members thwart the law. I guess the truth is that the "bike community" can work together, as long as "working together" means reminding people of things that are completely obvious yet stopping short of telling them that they're being stupid. Yes, of course the NYPD is ticketing cyclists for running lights and riding on sidewalks. Of course unlocked bikes are getting stolen. Still, the indignity cyclists feel when their unlocked bikes get stolen is rivaled only by the rage they feel when they're ticketed for breaking the law. Maybe next the NYC Bridge Report can issue a "schluffing advisory," or else remind local cyclists that the Williamsburg Bridge continues to connect Manhattan and Brooklyn. (Though Transportation Alternatives reminds you that they "assume no responsibility" for the Bridge Report and that it is "wholly advisory in nature," so if you cross the Williamsburg Bridge and somehow wind up in Jersey, or if you don't see a "schluffing advisory" and then get arrested for Hasselbecking somebody because you thought it was safe to ride on the sidewalk that day, don't go crying to them.)

But while the "bike community" may not believe in personal responsibility (in the "bike community," cyclists are always right as long as they're wearing helmets), the "triathlon community" is beginning to demand some accountability from its members. A reader has forwarded me this scathing article, in which a triathlon coach berates triathletes for their poor bike-handling skills:


Frankly, I'm pleased to see that somebody from the triathlon community is finally addressing this problem out in the open. Surely, one day triathletes will be able to conquer the stereotype that they can't handle their bikes. Similarly, one day people who wear short shorts and mustaches will no longer be unfairly stereotyped as people who can fix bikes:



Guy in short shorts who fixed my bike chain in williamsburg (Somewhere near the Bedford Stop)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-05-02, 5:55PM EDT

I stereotyped you as someone who knows how to fix bikes because you had short shorts on and a mustache. Anyways, I feel really stupid doing this right now but you seemed interesting, so let me know if you remember me!

Actually, I'd never heard of this stereotype, but there must be some truth to it since it seems like the mustachioed person was in fact able to help the poster. I wonder if people with thick eyebrows can also fix bikes:



If so, I'd give mine to Peter Gallagher any day.