The Backlash Conspiracy: Divide and Conquer

As many of you undoubtedly heard by now, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, co-host of the daytime talk show "The View," was struck by a cyclist in New York City yesterday. You can read all about it on her Twitter:



Not only was Hasselbeck apparently on the sidewalk when she was hit, but she's also pregnant, which made the incident doubly distressing. Frankly, this news hit me harder than a New York City sidewalk cyclist hits a pregnant daytime TV talk show host. Not only am I a firm believer of cycling in the street, but I'm also a tremendous fan of "The View" and never miss an episode. Scoff if you will, but the chemistry among Hasselbeck, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Sherri Shepherd, and Barbara Walters is both heady and addictive--in fact, it's enough to make you lactate in your Rapha jersey.

So naturally, when I heard the news about Hasselbeck, I was highly distraught. "How could this happen?," I demanded of the Universe. "And why did he have to hit the pregnant one? Why couldn't it have least been one of the menopausal ones, like Joy Behar or Barbara Walters?" I knew then that I could not rest until I either brought the scofflaw to justice, or I got tired, whichever came first. Then it hit me. Who is the foremost advocate of sidewalk cycling in New York City?

That's right--it's that "schluffing" guy.

I knew I was on to something, so I high-tailed it over to the Schluffmeister's blog. While he hadn't admitted to the crime, I had already decided that he was the guy who had plowed into Hasselbeck and her unborn child on the sidewalk, and so I scoured the blog for clues. You'll note that the Schluffer's blog is called "The Thoreau You Don't Know," and sure enough I found this: a post about a "Thoreau" Twitter page that I suspect is authored by Schluffleupagus himself. I then visited the "Thoreau" Twitter page, where I read this:



Paydirt.

But while I may have brought one rolling fetus-seeking missile to justice, unfortunately it appears that things are only going to get worse before they get better. A number of people have forwarded me this article from the New York Times (a publication which has written enough cycling-related fluff in the past few weeks to stuff a protective suit for Elisabeth Hasselbeck) which indicates that Dutch city bikes may be the next big thing. This means that next time you get hit while you're standing on the sidewalk, it will probably be by somebody schluffing a bike that weighs like 50 pounds:



Some might argue that these bikes, with their fenders, chain guards, and generator lights, are practical. Furthermore, they might also argue that a bicycle which allows a person to ride comfortably in street clothes is a good thing for cycling and for New York City. On the surface this may appear to be true, but if you dig deeper you realize there's something insidious about the whole thing. As the article does point out, the unwieldiness of an Amsterdam houseboat anchor like this literally outweighs its practicality. It's a lot like those giant bloated fanboat-like bike racks they're suddenly installing downtown. In fact, it's becoming increasingly obvious to me that New York City cycling is now being co-opted by special interests. Just look at the clues:

1) City installs giant bloated fanboat-like bike racks that are way too big for normal bikes;
2) Some opportunists are going to start selling unwieldy Dutch city bikes;
3) The New York Times publishes an article about how Dutch city bikes are the next big thing, and that you don't need "kamikaze messenger-wear" (whatever the hell that means) to ride one.

Clearly some evil Dutch city bike cabal is using its twin lackeys, the New York City Department Of Transportation and the New York Times, to clear the way for them. The DOT will provide the giant racks, and the New York Times will provide the free publicity. However, I for one refuse to have these glorified boneshakers foisted upon me, and I vow to stand against this twisted scheme to turn New York City back into New Amsterdam--that is, unless this twisted scheme also involves opening legal brothels and marijuana "coffee houses" all over the city. In that case, I'll welcome them met plezier.

The other explanation is that the Dutch city bike invasion is yet another example of fashion disguised as practicality. More accurately, it's fashion backlash disguised as practicality. What happens when people start wearing baggier and baggier pants? Tight pants make a sudden comeback. What happens when ratty trucker caps become all the rage? Clean, flat-brim fitted caps supplant them. What happens when microbrews take over the country? There's a renewed interest in PBR. And so forth. So what happens when impractically minimalist bikes become fashionable? Impractically practical bikes suddenly seem a lot more attractive.

Obviously, the fixie backlash has been going on for a long time now, but the sheer bulk and weight of these Dutch city bikes nicely embodies just how much mass this backlash movement has gained. And the whip has yet to crack--after all, there's still a lot to get annoyed about. Just take this recent Craigslist posting:



Brand New 2008 Continuum Aluminum Track bike Frame and fork - $550 (East Village)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-04-15, 1:48PM EDT

NOS 2008 Aluminum Continuum track frame with steel trackend inserts designed in NYC
Dont be another asshole with a chromed bianchi pista this year. Get something designed in NYC for New Yorkers
54cmST 55.5cm TT. No dents or dings or anything!
Stripped to bare aluminum and decaled by Jeff (designer). Two chips in decals pictured. It has never been built up, wheels havent even been put on. Brand new Straight blade drilled fork inc. Perfect for your first Fixie
$550,obo
Email me with any questions and we can arrange to meet up. I have a set of wheels so you can check the stand over height if need be. Serious offers only.

Right, don't be "another asshole with a chromed Bianchi Pista this year." Be another asshole on a slightly different frame instead. People who buy Bianchi Pistas to ride around the city are not assholes. At worst, they're people who are attracted to quick and simple bikes but haven't yet realized there are better city bikes out there. However, someone who buys a Bianchi Pista to ride around the city, then buys a slightly more expensive yet equally limited frame to ride around the city, and then has contempt for other people who ride Bianchi Pistas, is most definitely an asshole. Then again, this frame was "designed in NYC for New Yorkers." Yes, clearly when they ordered a bunch of track frames from Taiwan and put their own decals on them like everyone else does they had the unique needs of New York City cyclists in mind in a way Bianchi never could.

And that's what's so annoying about the fixed-gear fad and the fixed-gear backlash. They both seem to subscribe to a notion that there's no middle ground, and they only define themselves in terms of the other. Hate track bikes? Ride a tank! Don't like sluggish bikes? Ride a track bike! Of course, the truth is there are plenty of bikes that are reasonably quick, reasonably light, reasonably cheap, and reasonably practical all at the same time. Here's just one example:


Again, this is just one example. Plenty of other companies also offer bikes on this theme. The problem is that it's more fun to pretend bikes like this don't exist. It's much more special to either do what all the hip people are doing, or to do the exact opposite of what all the hip people are doing. There's nothing special about simultaneously passing the dandies on the Dutch city bikes and getting where you're going just as quickly as the people on track bikes, only with dry pants.

In the meantime, the backlash continues:



The author sure hates those fixies! So what does he have? You guessed it! A Dutch city bike:

A-ha! The quintessential backlash ride! A wiser man than me once said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." (That man, of course, was Little Richard.) And a wiser man than him once said, "All You Haters Suck My Balls." (Actually, he stuck it on his rim.)

I guess until that whip cracks it's just going to be one big daisy chain of ball-sucking.

This Just In: BSNYC Used As Bait!

If you're a reader of the "Bloggie Award"-winning Fat Cyclist blog (I'm not sure what a "Bloggie" is but I think it's the Canadian term for "snot rocket"), you probably know by now that he's just announced a contest wherein the winner will travel to New York City and meet me. If you're not a reader of the Fat Cyclist blog, it's a comedy cycling blog written by a guy named Fat Cyclist who just announced a contest wherein the winner will travel to New York City and meet me.

I'm flattered that Fat Cyclist thinks anybody would want to meet me. Rest assured that I myself do not labor under the misapprehension that people want to meet me, but apparently Fatty does, and it's his contest. Furthermore, the contest is for a good cause, so who am I to deny him? Plus, when you really think about it, the contest isn't about me--it's about a free trip to New York City. Maybe you've never been here, or you have a friend or relative you'd like to visit. So even if you don't want to meet me, you should still enter the contest, and I'm happy to leave you alone for the duration of your stay if you'd like. And, if you don't want to travel to New York City for any reason or meet me but do want a BSNYC smock, you've got the opportunity to win one of those too.

But if you do want to come to New York City and meet me for some reason and get a smock, rest assured I'll be happy to receive you and I'll do my best to be a gracious host. Fatty's done a good job of outlining the parameters on his site, but I would like to add that while I don't know what we'll do together I'm willing to work with you and tailor something based on your personal interests. (Unless your personal interests are repugnant and offensive to me. I'm looking at you, triathletes!) Just a few things I can think of off the top of my head are:

--We can go for a road ride (you should probably bring your own bike);
--We can go for an offroad ride (you should probably bring your own bike);
--We can ride around the city and look at stuff (you should probably bring your own bike though you're welcome to rub my Scattante. I realize that sounds disgusting, but rest assured it just means I'll lend you my Empire State Courier);
--We can make prank phone calls to "Bicycling" magazine;
--We can fire up the BSNYC/RTMS Wednesday Afternoon Recreation Kit and procrastinate;
--You could help me do my laundry;
--We can go see the hit Broadway musical "Mamma Mia!," provided you pay. I will then excuse myself to go to the restroom as soon as the curtain goes up and you will never, ever see me again;
--Beach party!!!

Anyway, if you think my taking part in this contest smacks of shark-jumping, I'd argue that a "charitable collabo" is not the same as shark-jumping. Plus Fatty was once a Mormon missionary, and I think he did some kind of mind control thing on me. (He's all affable on his blog, but in real life he's evil like Harry Dean Stanton on "Big Love." I on the other hand am evil on my blog, but am affable yet moody in real life like Harry Dean Stanton in "Pretty in Pink.") And if you do decide to enter the contest, I wish you the best of luck, and I promise you a trip to New York City you'll never remember.

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: The Increasing Dignity of Commuting by Bicycle

("No More Corporate Bullshit! Fuk Wall St." That oughta show 'em.)

A voice of the youth one sang that "The Times They Are a-Changin'." That voice was of course the Insane Clown Posse, and the words are as true today as they were when they were first rapped poorly back in 1994. They're especially true for cyclists, as we've seen more than our share of changes over the years. Steel gave way to aluminum, which in turn surrendered to crabon. Eyewear shrank considerably. And the bicycle saddle as we know it has been completely redesigned and as such rendered totally irrelevant.

But cycling technology isn't the only thing that's changing. Cycling is changing the urban landscape as well. A reader was recently kind enough to send me some photos of the new bike racks that have been appearing in downtown Manhattan:



I'm pleased that New York City has been taking these steps towards increasing bike-friendliness. And we're not alone here, either. Other cities, such as Boston, appear to be doing so as well. Still, I can't help but feel that in this case the city is trying a little too hard. If I were to come across this and there were no bicycles locked to it I would honestly have no idea what to do with it. I'd probably just assume some geek had parked his "Star Wars" Landspeeder replica on the sidewalk.

I suppose it's somewhat hypocritical of me to criticize this structure. After all, I constantly complain about the indignities to which I'm subjected as a New York City cyclist. Shouldn't I be pleased that the city is not only adding bike parking, but that they're also incorporating benches where people can sit down while they change from their cycling shoes to their street shoes like Mr. Rogers and neatly stow their locks, helmets and outer garments inside their hand-sewn cycling bags while they make friendly chit-chat with each-other? I don't know. What's wrong with a bunch of these? Being coddled like this makes me feel unsettled. It's the bicycle equivalent of installing coffee machines next to all the car parking spaces.

Also, I worry that maybe all of this bike-friendly stuff is happening a little too late. It was only relatively recently that the city could actually build structures like this, since before "gentrification" people would have just moved into this thing. In the age of the $1,000 Bushwick studio it may seem hard to believe, but trust me--with the simple addition of a tarp that bike rack could easily sleep four adults. ITTET it's only a matter of time before people are once again forced to take to the streets, and we may have finally gotten our luxury bike parking only to have it swiftly commandeered by homeless investment bankers.

Yes, the fact is you can't account for everything. Take these protected bike lanes the city is now building:



I'm a bike lane fan. As I've said before, I'm happy to ride anywhere on the street, but the bike lane is my "comfy chair" and as such I like that they're there. So when the protected bike lanes started appearing, I was pleased to see them. But then I tried them out. First of all, the bike lane itself also incorporates the left-hand turn lane for motor vehicle traffic. This means that, instead of just going around traffic that's waiting to turn left as you would on an old-fashioned street, you've got to wait at your very own bicycle-specific red light. Sure, it's not a big deal if you're not in a hurry, and it's probably a good thing for people who are uncomfortable riding in traffic and need traffic signals to tell them what to do, but it is a bit frustrating nonetheless.

More irritating though are the factors they almost certainly didn't account for when they designed these lanes, such as bike salmon. I have noticed a significant uptick in the number of bike salmon in these lanes, and it's clearly because they feel much more comfortable salmoning without the presence of cars. In that sense, I suppose the cars were bears, and now that the salmon's natural enemy is gone the salmon population is exploding. And I like bikes, but I do not want to live in a world of salmon. Moreover, it's one thing to encounter a salmon on an old-fashioned street; it's quite another when you're trapped with them in a lane that's only about ten feet wide.

The other thing they clearly didn't account for is that non-cyclists would also annex these protected bike lanes. It's like the sidewalk is the 19th century United States, the new bike lane is the western frontier, and suddenly all the pedestrians have been smitten by Manifest Destiny. However, instead of saddling up their horses they're leashing up their dogs. Here's a typical sight along the Trail of Terriers:



So when it comes to bike-friendliness, we're seeing overwrought bike parking and bewildering lanes, but we're not seeing any financial benefits--at least not yet. A reader forwarded me this article, which indicates that we've still got a ways to go in that department:



I suspect that perhaps tax incentives for bike commuters could be something else that sounds good in theory but in practice results in a bunch of unforeseen side-effects. For example, people seem to be complaining that you can only get a rebate of $20 a month for commuting by bike. But let's just say the government reimbursed you for your bike-related costs proportionally to your actual spending, provided you commuted by bike. Sounds great, doesn't it? But what about people like Bart Kaufman, owner of the World's Greatest Madone? That's about $10,000 right there. And once you factor in bike shop labor and clothing and new tubular tires every time he punctures it's not hard to imagine that annual figure ballooning into six figures. It would only take a few Bart Kaufmans to cost the government millions of dollars. And who's going to pay for that loss of revenue? Before you know it we'll all be living in bike racks alongside our Madones. Maybe David Byrne can design us some bike racks with plumbing.

By the way, if you're getting $20 this month for commuting by bicycle, be sure to spend it on some Total Polo Laboratories mallet plugs:




I'm not much of a bike polo fan (I prefer bike lacrosse) but my understanding of the "sport" was that people made their own stuff, used beater bikes, and generally did it on the cheap. Clearly, though, that understanding was wrong, and it is now entering the "purchasing advantages" phase. And it doesn't stop there. Once you've installed your lathe-turned high-density polyethylene mallet plugs, be sure to have your favorite wheelbuilder lace you up a pair of Velocity Chukkers:


While I've been critical of both fixed-gear freestyling and bike polo in the past, I have to admit that they've progressed a great deal in the last couple of years. Of course, I don't mean "progressed" in the sense that they've become more interesting; I mean "progressed" in the sense that you can buy increasing amounts of stuff in order to do them. I wonder if these rims would also be good for bike lacrosse; after all, it's a "Velocity Deep V on steroids," and bike lacrosse is bike polo on steroids. (Though it should not be confused with regular polo, which is like bike polo on steroids and horses.)

Still, it was inevitable that Velocity would introduce a new Deep V. Clearly people are demanding stronger rims, and there's certainly nothing wrong with satisfying that demand. Furthermore, Velocity's urban fixed-gear market supremacy was being challenged by H+Son and their own idiotic deep-section rim:




Be the new kid on the block throwing down the hottest S#@& all year. You may have seen these H Plus Son rims spring up on places like Tokyo fixed the last couple months, but now they're here rocking the states! Unlike anything else out there, the H + Son Formation Face rim has a true V shaped wall and absolutely no provisions for running a brake. The side of the rim has a completely even surface. It looks like a wall. Oh, and it's 42mm deep. Deep V's are a comparatively diminutive 30mm. Lastly, they're substantially lighter than their Velocity counterpart.

Priced individually
Not Compatible with brakes, so man up!
700c and 650c available 32 hole non machined only
black (anodized), silver (anodized), gold (anodized), white (powder coated)

At first, I wasn't convinced, but between their promise that I can be the "new kid on the block throwing down the hottest S#@& all year" and their admonition to "man up" it's clear that I need to get a pair (and grow a pair, apparently)--though I am somewhat reluctant to take "manning up" advice from a website that is afraid to spell out the word "shit."

And while the times may be a-changin', they're also staying the same. The fact is people were wrecking wheels playing bike polo out in the Rockaways way back in 1902:



One can only imagine how differently things might have turned out if the polo players of yesteryear had had access to the Velocity Chukker.



Then again, perhaps it's a good thing they didn't.

What's In A Name: The Key to Victory

As you've no doubt seen, heard, or read by now, Tom Boonen won Paris-Roubaix yesterday for the third time. Meanwhile, George Hincapie, the Eddy Merckx of dejected post-race interviews, finished in 44th place due to an untimely puncture. (George Hincapie is also the Eddy Merckx of untimely mechanical problems.) Dejectedly, Hincapie told both Versus viewers and the "Twitterati" that he's "not going out like that" and that he'll be back next year:


I admit I'm one of those people who maintains hope that Hincapie will one day win Paris-Roubaix, despite year after year of punctures, wheel failures, broken steer tubes, poor team support, and headlong spills into muddy drainage ditches. I'm also glad to see that Hincapie himself remains undaunted and intends to return next year, despite a Classics campaign that can best be described as "tragicomic." After all, there's a fine line between determination and futility, and I feel that when it comes to his Roubaix bids Hincapie balances himself upon this line perfectly, like seven Chinese gymnasts on a bicycle.

So once again, I find myself struggling to come to terms with the fact that Hincapie's Roubaix went characteristically awry, and a crucial component of this struggle is understanding how exactly Tom Boonen won. At first glance, this would appear to be simple. Boonen's victory was just a combination of natural talent, good preparation, good luck, smart riding, and a strong team, right? Well, those things might be part of it, but it takes more than that to win a bike race. Specifically, it takes a good bike. Even more specifically, it takes a good bike with a bottom bracket shell that's...beefy. And this year, Boonen came to Paris-Roubaix with one of the...beefiest bottom bracket shells ever wrought by human hands:

(The oversized bottom bracket...is beefy.)

I couldn't find any pictures of the bottom bracket shell on George Hincapie's bike, which leads me to suspect that it may not have been...beefy enough. But I also suspect that Hincapie's problems were not caused by insufficient...beefiness alone. When it comes to bike racing, the most important factor of all--more important than a strong team, or good luck, or proper training, or even a...beefy bottom bracket shell--is an inspirational nickname and matching top-tube decal:


We've seen the power of decals in the past. How could anybody possibly lose a bike race on a bicycle equipped with a decal like this? Not only does it feature an alliterative weather-themed nickname, but it also features a cartoon tornado leaving a rainbow-hued path of destruction in its wake. In fact, of the three podium finishers yesterday, two had weather-themed sobriquets:




Not only is Tom Boonen "Tornado Tom," but Thor Hushovd, who finished third, is often called the "God of Thunder." Thunder. As far as I know, Filippo Pozzato does not have a weather-themed nickname (his nickname is "Pippo), but he does have both a techno-tastic Euro-style website and a Jheri curl hairstyle, which when taken together constitute a weather event in and of themselves--that being a "cheese storm." So considering Hincapie was up against a tornado, thunder, and a cheese storm (which, coincidentally, is the combination of events which caused life to emerge from the primordial soup), poor Hincapie didn't stand a chance.

At this point you may argue that nicknames need to be earned, and that Tornado Tom is only Tornado Tom because he's already "stormed to victory" a bunch of times. This is ridiculous. A professional bike racer should be given every advantage possible. Does Hincapie's team make him ride a crappy bike just because he hasn't won Paris-Roubaix yet? Of course not--he's given the best equipment to which the team has access. So why couldn't his team give him an awesome nickname too? The only nickname I ever hear for Hincapie is "Big George," and putting "Big" before a person's name is the lamest, most rudimentary form of nicknaming there is. It's like repairing a bike frame by wrapping duct tape around it. So since this is possibly the bell lap of Hincapie's Roubaix career, it's essential that his team provide him with a professional-level nickname before that metaphorical final sprint next year.

I'll be the first to admit that this is no easy task, principally because George's name starts with "G," and there's not a lot of intimidating weather that starts with "G." Actually, the only thing I could come up with was "graupel," which is sort of like hail. However, "Graupel George" doesn't sound particularly intimidating. Also, according to Wikipedia, graupel "will typically fall apart when touched," and while that might make "Graupel George" a fitting nickname in the context of his previous Roubaix attempts, Hincapie really needs a nickname that's going to allude to his strengths rather than underscore his weaknesses. The other possibility, of course, is to use his last name instead of his first name, which obviously clears the way for "Hurricane Hincapie." However, not only is this too long and unwieldy for top-tube use, but it's also likely to backfire in the form of providing the basis for jokes about how hard he blows.

As such, it's worth looking at where Hushovd and Boonen got their nicknames. Obviously, Hushovd's is mostly luck, since he's Norwegian and his first name is Thor. However, Tom Boonen's is a bit more esoteric. Sure, the alliteration might seem obvious, but my research reveals that his nickname is actually lifted from a 1940s superhero:



Here is the story of Tornado Tom's origins:

Swept up by a tornado, the man who became Tornado Tom spent several hours "whirled above the Earth", before finally coming back down to ground unharmed save for amnesia. The only clue to who he had been were the farmer's overalls he wore. Discovering his experience had given him superhuman powers, and with no life to return to, he became a crimefighter.

Now, I'm not a comic book fan, but I'd be surprised if there were another superhero with a more boring backstory. Incidentally, slightly more interesting than this amnesiac farmer-turned-crimefighter is Tornado Tom's British counterpart, simply called "The Tornado:"


Here's his story:

Steve Storm harboured a great secret - the thirteenth member of the Storm family, he escaped the Curse of Grosta after 500 years. As a result "the mighty force of the Storms thundered into the soul of Steve, that this young hero might, at will, transform into the giant superman of justice, whirlwind prince of the storms - Tornado."

The Tornado is even more exciting than my previous favorite British superhero, Slightly-Above-Average Man, who possessed a superhuman knowledge of postal codes, the ability to fry kippers with his mind, and the power to predict bus arrival times with deadly accuracy. In any case, it's too bad Hincapie wasn't born with a convenient name like "Steve Storm," because that's got weather built in, and all you'd have to do is put a "The" in front of it, making him "The Steve Storm." You really wouldn't even need the tornado part at all.

Since this isn't the case, maybe Hincapie should just use his bike porn name. Then he could be Scott Blueridge. It's not intimidating, but at least it's slightly suggestive.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Not only is today Friday, but it's also Good Friday, which is a religious holiday and not a subtle hint that you've gotten your hands on some "Wednesday weed."  It's also a reminder that Sunday is Paris-Roubaix.  Paris-Roubaix is a bike race known as both the "Hell of the North" and the "Queen of the Classics," and it should not be confused with "The Queen of the North," which was a Canadian shipwreck, or with the band Nickelback, which is a Canadian trainwreck.

In the meantime, I'm administering a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll know it, and if you're wrong you'll see Dashboard Jesus & the Sermon of the Cyclists.  And trust me--you don't want to see a cartoon Jesus with an Australian accent admonishing a cyclist.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe this weekend, and be wary of large cobblestones, long showers, people wearing rucksacks claiming to be drug testers, and Nickelback.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) According to Saturn driver Zack Colman, why should bicyclists ride on the sidewalk?

--"I cannot drive my car on the sidewalk, so why must you ride your bicycle where I drive?"
--"...roads are for cars, not bicyclists."
--"...with all these things I can do in my car nowadays, such as choose a different song on my iPod, send a text message while driving or fall asleep at the wheel because I had to wake up for a worthless 8 a.m. biology lab, I might not notice you."
--All of the above



2) Saturn driver, sidewalk-cycling advocate and cultural critic Zack Colman is less than impressed with the Showtime series "Secret Diary of a Call Girl," though the star does give him a "minor hard on."

--True
--False




3) Onion editorialist come to life Zack Colman's email address is colmanz1@msu.edu.

--True
--False



4) According to a recent New York Times article, 21% of cyclists who died in accidents between 1996 and 2005 had alcohol in their bodies.  Which is not a conclusion being drawn by the sources quoted in the article?

--"...let's be careful about blaming victims, when it's unclear whether alcohol was a contributing factor in any of these crashes."

--"There is safety in bike lane use..."

--"...wearing helmets can save lives"

--"There's lots of focus on helmets and bike lanes in the world of cycling advocacy but relatively little on personal responsibility and smart riding."

5) Which well-known cyclist broke two ribs last spring in a drunk cycling accident?

--Jan Ullrich

--David Byrne

--Jake Gyllenhaal

--Brian Eno

6) What's missing from this rendering of a "Livable Street?"

--Cones of Smugness

--Self-Congratulation Stations

--Dedicated padded bike lanes for intoxicated brakeless cyclists

--All of the above

7) I am on Twitter:

--True.  I have joined the "Twitterati."

--False.  I am not currently among the "Twitterati" and I have no idea who created this account.

8) According to GM, what's a good transportation solution for increasingly crowded urban areas?

--A bicycle

--A smaller car powered by a hybrid engine

--An SUV

--A Segway with a roof on it

9) Who are these guys?

--RTSF: Recumbent Trike Strike Force

--CORBS: Cops On Recumbent Bikes

--TWATS: Three-Wheeled Anti-Terrorist Squad

--The AFLD Urine Collection Squad

***Special Acrononymous Bonus Question!***

What does "AYSHMB" stand for?

--All You Suckers Hate My Balls

--All You Swedes Handle My Beaver

--All You Shepherds Hump My Bike

--All You Stevedores Haul My Barge

Going With the Flow: How to Evade the Drug Testers

Further to yesterday's post, in which I mentioned France's fiendish plot to construct an undead bootleg Lance Armstrong, Margot from Foes forwarded me an article from the New York Times, and in particular drew my attention to this quote:

“I’m not saying anything about Lance Armstrong,” said Dr. Gary I. Wadler, a member of the World Anti-Doping Agency. “But if somebody had half an hour to himself, that’s plenty of time to urinate and refill yourself with somebody else’s urine. That way, even if they witness you urinating, it’s not your urine. It happens a lot. It is the rationale behind the no-notice testing.”

Margot was understandably confused, and in fact emailed the writer demanding clarification:

I think that needs some sort of explanation. Is Dr. Wadler suggesting that Lance Armsrong retired to the bathroom, took a shower and drank someone else's urine? How would that even work? Leaving aside that it just seems disgusting I don't think it would produced the result that he is implying. Does he mean inject someone else's urine into his bladder?

Now, I'm not sure if either of these techniques would work, but they're certainly repulsive. And while I suppose it's possible that Lance Armstrong may be hiding a few liters of someone else's urine inside the shampoo bottles in his shower, I think it's pretty unlikely. (Though if you do find yourself in the shower at Lance Armstrong's house, you might want to sniff the shampoo before you use it. That asparagus smell may not be volumizer.) It's more unlikely still in the context of Armstrong's comeback. Why return to the sport from a few years of blissful unaccountability only to sneak around in bathrooms drinking other people's urine? It just doesn't make sense.

Still, I was intrigued. While I don't think Armstrong was up to anything funny in the shower (at least not anything performance-enchancing), I wanted to know what a devious person might theoretically be able to (ahem) pull off in there. So I consulted the experts:




A-ha! That's it! The old "prosthetic penis" flim-flam:


As the weird old hippie burnout from "High Times" explained, there's a device called the "Whizzinator," though sadly it's been outlawed. I was surprised to learn that a number of high-profile personalities have been caught using the "Whizzinator." Here's what it looks like:

REDACTED

(Prosthetic phallus is safe for work.)

Cunning indeed. Cycling folklore abounds with tales of riders who have used "sleight of penis" in order to fool drug testers, and even though the "Whizzinator" is apparently no longer available it wouldn't take much to fabricate one. The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company certainly has the facilities and the materials, and in fact I think a device like this would slot neatly into the Bontrager cycling accessory product line. But while it's amusing to think that when Armstrong says he's going in for some "wind tunnel time" he's actually experimenting with new fake member technology, I still think the risk of being caught with such a thing and the humiliation that would ensue would in itself be an effective deterrent. Plus, all the testers would have to do would be to bring Ashley Olsen along, as she would doubtless be able to discern at a glance whether Armstrong was employing a facsimile or the real thing.

But let's just say Armstrong was so hellbent on doping that he was willing to resort to a "Whizzinator"-like device. What would he fill it with? Would he gamble with someone else's urine, or would he use some sort of urine substitute?


I was particularly interested to note that many people shopping for fake urine are also in the market for batons, brass knuckles, various forms of cuffs, and tear gas. I guess if the tap on your "Whizzinator" malfunctions and the testers catch you knee-deep in an unstoppable deluge of "Quick Fix" fake urine, you've got no alternative but to fight your way out.

If all this talk of urine has made you nauseous by this point (I know I'm feeling pretty queasy right now), your nausea should only serve to underscore how absurd cyclesport's obsession with collecting and analyzing urine really is. Sure, you have to test now and again, but come on. I think even the most dedicated urinemonger also has to admit that someone of Lance Armstrong's profile is probably not going to resort to the sorts of tactics employed by 17 year-olds applying for jobs at Arby's.

Plus, all the urine testing (or urine) in the world cannot quench humanity's insatiable thirst for drugs. In fact, since nobody seems especially interested in testing me, I figured I could probably get away with using performance-enhancing drugs myself. (I lost today's Manhattan Bridge KOM to one guy on a stock Pista and another guy wearing bellbottoms and loafers and riding a three-speed.) Fortunately, there's a website called steroidonlineshop.com that sells all kinds of good stuff, including steroids, testosterone, HGH, and EPO. So I loaded up my cart with 10 vials of EPO, and since there's more to life than just winning bike races I also threw in some Valium and Viagra :


All that for only $635! Thanks Steroidonlineshop!

Unfortunately, after putting through the payment, I found this:





NEED HELP!! I Got Cheated by steroidonlineshop.com! FRAUD!

i dont wat to do now....i really dont expect that got cheated like that...the begginning i order they told me that maximum order was $400+ and then i spend like US$509.00...they told 3 working days will reach in US . It's been a a week never be here in my place. i really already suspect that something its not right with this website ...and kept sending them email many times until i can really gone crasy just waiting for them to reply me , but they really never reply at all ...i got cheated that's wat i tot..then after i realise that i search this website at google wheter this is a fraud website...then the answer was YES!!.. MY GOD! MAN! really i got cheated???? is it really happening????...... HOW DO I GET MY MONEY BACK???? I REALLY NEED HELP NOW!.............ANYONE CAN HELP ME FINDING A WAY TO SOLVE THIS!

Yikes--I guess I just threw away $635. Fortunately, though, I charged it all to Bicycling magazine, so I'm not that upset about it.

Of course, if I did have a few fistfuls of sex pills, I'd make straight for the Craigslist Missed Connections, where there's always some excitement. Well, there's usually some excitement. Sometimes it's more mundane:



Hunter College Bike Rack Helmet (Upper East Side)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-04-07, 10:28PM EDT

There was a helmet on my bike this afternoon...if its yours email me and describe it and where u left it...hunter college

Ooh! Someone found my helmet! I immediately posted a reply:

Hello,

I think you found my helmet. I left it on a bike at Hunter College. The helmet is camouflage and has a bitchin' rear spoiler on it. It helps provide my head with downforce on steep descents. Here's a picture. Look forward to hearing back. Thanks!





Actually, I have no such helmet, but ever since a reader pointed it out to me I've really wanted one and I figured it was worth a try.

Here's another Missed Connection that's a bit more salacious:



bike-riding adonis (not really) on 4th and lafayette, 3:15ish - w4m - 21
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-04-02, 8:44PM EDT

I was the curly-haired chick in brown boots smoking a clove. You had seemingly great hair as well and may or may not have been eye-contacting me; I couldn't tell because we were both wearing sunglasses. You were heading towards Bowery as I was on my way to Broadway. I think you might've been pretty attractive, but I was mostly impressed by your awesome biking abilities because I don't know how to do things like that. Maybe you can teach me how to ride a bike sometime. Or maybe we can just make out.
On a whim, I used a popular search engine to obtain an actual street view of the intersection from the post. Amazingly, it just so happens the photograph captured the missed connection as it took place:


"Great hair" indeed. He must be using that asparagus shampoo Lance Armstrong uses. Actually, on closer inspection, he seems to be the model for that crazy Aurumania bike:

REDACTED

On even closer inspection, though, while he does have "great hair" he's also got a Ken doll-like androgynous crotchal smoothness:

REDACTED

Somebody get this guy a "Whizzinator."

Synthesis: Putting It Together

Yesterday, I mentioned Cisco executive, amateur cyclist, and goatee enthusiast Joe Burton's tardy Cervelo-inspired freakout.  While many readers were outraged, it's important to remember that purchasing a high end crabon fribé road bicycle is a major undertaking and a serious commitment.  In fact, it's a lot like a marriage.  Sure, to some small degree a marriage is about making a lifelong commitment to another human being, but mostly it's about obsessing over meaningless details and surrounding yourself with teams of professionals whose job it is to endure your temperamental outbursts and interpret your tyrannical whims.

So whether you're getting a new flat-screen TV, or a new bicycle, or a new car, or a new spouse, it's crucial that the process includes a "Ceremony of Acquisition," in which people coddle you and reassure you and tell you how smart and special you are and what a great decision you're making.  So when Joe Burton's "Ceremony of Acquisition" was interrupted and he did not receive the attention and praise he deserved for purchasing a Cervelo, he got angry.  This is hardly surprising.  Wouldn't you get angry at your wedding if somebody lost the rings?  Wouldn't you be outraged if you went to a Passover Seder and the hosts forgot the Haggadahs?  Wouldn't you be furious at the Pope if he tried to celebrate the Eucharist with an Eggo waffle?  Sure you would--assuming you believe in those things in the first place.  Similarly, when you believe in the awesomeness of the Cervelo as well as in your own awesomeness for getting married to a Cervelo only to have the sacred "Ceremony of Acquisition"disrupted, you become disappointed, disillusioned, and angry.  It's "consumerus interruptus," or what's colloquially known as "blue bills."

Actually, considering the circumstances, Joe Burton actually took it pretty well.  His bike only cost $4,000.  What if he was purchasing an $18,000 bicycle, like Tony Shalhoub's stunt double in this article from the New York Times (forwarded by Daddo-One)?

It's tempting to think that the sorts of people who purchase bicycles that cost many thousands of dollars are doing so because they have a great deal of cycling experience, and as such not only can appreciate and take advantage of the subtle differences between expensive bikes and cheaper ones, but are also possessed of the kind of knowledge, confidence, and self-sufficiency that comes with experience.  As such, it's also tempting to think that they can make their way through the bike-buying process with a minimal hand-holding.  However, this is not true.  The more expensive the bicycle, the more experts need to be involved.  They must measure you like a bass at a fishing contest.  They must point lasers at you and hook you up to a computer like you're a business presentation or a car that's getting the "check engine" light.  Simply put, you require the "Ceremony of Aquisition."  You're not buying the bike; you're buying the attention.

Of course, ITTET, this particular high-end shop has had to change it's approach: 

Mr. Heitmann, who has a Ph.D. in philosophy, explained his bike shop’s adjustments in Hegelian terms: “Take the status quo (thesis), challenge it with a new idea (antithesis), and emerge with a better idea (synthesis). We’re at an antithetical period — I believe the Cadence brand will emerge stronger and better despite the difficulties New York is experiencing now.”

Now, I only have a 105/Centaur/Rival-quality education, but if I understand Heitmann properly he means this:

Thesis

Antithesis

Synthesis

This means that Cadence is going to become the "keytar" of bike shops.  Frankly, I'm not sure Hegelian philosophy is what a struggling bike shop needs, but then again I don't have a Ph.D. and I admit I am a bit of a "keytard."  Apparently, becoming the "keytar" of bike shops involves selling cheaper bikes.  Yet, as the article points out, "Personal coaches, who can charge lawyer-style rates of as much as $150 an hour, are reporting a spike in business."  This is a disturbing sign if you're a retailer of $18,000 bicycles, since it means that crafty consumers have figured out a way to enjoy the "Ceremony of Acquisition" without actually acquiring anything.  In other words, they're skipping the new bike, but they're still paying to have somebody follow them around and tell them how great they are.  This is like being budget-minded by putting your kitchen renovation on hold and then using that as a justification to dine out every night.  I guess wealthy roadies don't want to buy the keytar right now, but they'll still pay top dollar for the lessons.

After spending a little time inside the mind of the high-end New York City roadie, the "excesses" of the fixed-gear world seem quaint in comparison.  As ridiculous as these riders can be, they've got a ways to go before they're paying for alleycat-specific training programs and fixed-gear freestyling lessons.  At the moment, it seems like the New York City fixed-gear riders are in an awkward stage of development, and they're arriving at that place where their fashion choices are becoming painfully at odds with practicality and functionality.

One place these growing pains have manifested itself recently is in fenders.  For some reason, New York City cyclists in general are fender-averse.  Even people who ride bikes with clearance and eyelets for fenders rarely use them.  I suppose it's because they don't like the way fenders look, and instead prefer having abstract pointillist designs on the seats of their pants.  The truth is, though, that fenderlessness is a sign of cycling immaturity (racing bikes and offroad bikes excluded).  Realizing you need fenders is as elementary as toilet training, and in both cases there's nothing as immature as not knowing how to keep your own ass dry.

To their credit, New York City's fixed-gear riders are now spending enough time on their bikes that they are beginning to learn about ass protection.  However, they're also riding bicycles that don't allow it, because they coveted things like "true track geometry" and "tight clearances" that sound cool but are mostly at odds with all-weather city riding.  As a result, I've seen a sudden spike in the number of clip on "beaver tail" fenders--which, as I pointed out last week, are almost always set up so they're almost touching the rear tire, flat-brim style.

Obviously, fixed-gear freestylers aren't going to adopt full fenders anytime soon since they would get in the way of tricks, but generally speaking I feel as though fixed-gear riders in New York City are at an interesting turning point.  They're willing to ride around in utility belts and beards looking like that guy from "Home Improvement," yet they still covet minimalist bikes. Will they finally abandon fashionable affectations and begin to embrace practicality, or will they continue to pursue things like this?

Beaverizing a mountain bike might make sense for muddy rides, but on an urban bike something like this is just sad.  It's really just a pie plate for your saddle.  Once you've fastened an oversized labium like this to your bike you've already admitted you need fenders, so next time you're in the market for a frame you might want to think differently.  Even my lowly Scattante Empire State Courier manages to accommodate full fenders:

Incidentally, as a proud Scattante owner, I've done some research into its provenance.  Here's what the bike looks like as Performance sells it:

However, it's also the same exact frame as the 2008 SE Lager: 



...which is in turn the same exact frame as the Bikesdirect "Windsor Clockwork:"



I'm sure that there are more iterations out there, but I stopped looking because it was getting me depressed.  Suffice to say though that I own at least three bikes in one, and that it can also be purchased for anywhere from $329 to $599.99, depending on your decal preference.  Just make sure you also budget for fenders and coaching.

As depressed as I was to learn about the promiscuity of my Perscattinsor SE (though I still prefer it to that Look), I'm nowhere near as upset as Lance Armstrong, who's now being accused of "misbehaving" during a drug test:


I can't blame him for questioning the tester's validity.  As I've already surmised, the French are attempting to collect enough of Lance Armstrong's hair, nail clippings, and bodily fluids to build their very own Lance Armstrong.  For all he knew, the guy with the backpack could have been an agent in this diabolical scheme.  But what Armstrong didn't know is that the French are actually much closer to completion than anybody thought.  In fact, the French Armstrong bootleg was recently spotted out training:


He's even riding a Trek.  Granted, his Tour de France performance may not be all that animated, but it will almost certainly be re-animated.