Thursday, March 19, 2009

This Also Just In: Celebrity Citing!

I hope you'll pardon me if I seem a bit shaky, but in addition to announcing my shark-jumping I also had a major brush with celebrity this morning. Not only did I see Transportation Alternatives Executive Director Paul Steely "Young Jeezy" White (he was driving a Ford Edge and making an illegal right on red through a crowded crosswalk), but I also saw Barack Obama's bicycle:


If you don't believe me, this side-by-side image should be sufficient to dispel any doubt:


Also, the bike was being guarded by a nine-man security detail, and let's just say they know how to frisk.

Obama may have promised "change," but I for one am glad to see our chief executive is sticking with the same bike. In These Trying Economic Times (which I shall heretofore abbreviate as ITTET) many of us have been forced to forego upgrades and new bicycle purchases, so I think Obama's decision to keep the ill-fitting Trek hybrid with the trail-a-bike attachment even after becoming President of these United States sets a good example for us all.

By the way, I'm not sure what Obama's doing in New York, but I was checking the "Hello Brooklyn" calendar and my best guess is he's here to attend "urban shaman" Donna Henes's "Eggs on End" ceremony:

7:15AM
Event starts 7:44AM Equinox moment

A sunrise ceremony to usher in spring. As the Sun crosses the equator into the Northern Hemisphere it is possible to stand an egg on its end and according to Chinese folklore doing so brings luck for the entire year. A family friendly event. Bring kids, dogs, drums and lots of spirit.

ITTET, this may be just what we need to get our country back on track.



Speaking of celebrities who ride Treks, apparently the drug tests to which Lance Armstrong is constantly subjected reached a new level of degradation when a French anti-doping inspector hacked off a bunch of his hair:

I learned about this from reading Lance Armstrong's Twitter, which is kind of like a freak on the subway in that you pretend you don't look at it but you really do. Armstrong has been tested constantly since returning to the sport, which frankly strikes me as a huge waste of time. Retiring after all those Tour wins only to come back and cheat would be like making the world's greatest best man speech at a wedding, returning to your table, and then getting back up 20 minutes later to urinate on the cake. And as entertaining as that would be, he's just not going to do it. As such, I'm currently working on two theories for all the testing:

1) The French (whose last win in their eponymous grand tour was during the reign of Napoleon II) believe Armstrong's bodily fluids have special Tour-winning properties. As such, they are attempting to collect enough of it to secure a victory for team Agritubel. However, if this is indeed their plan, then their logic is deeply flawed. If Armstrong's bodily fluids had that kind of power, then Ashley Olson would have at least won a mountain stage by now.

2) The French are attempting to collect enough of Lance Armstrong to actually make their own Lance Armstrong. If this is true then you can expect Agritubel's GC contender (as crazy as the idea of a French GC contender sounds) to consist entirely of blood, urine, and nail clippings. They're probably gluing on the hair as I type this, and also cutting an Armstrong mask out of some canary cage liner like Bicycling with a pair of safety scissors.

However, even though I think the chances that Armstrong would cheat are remote, I have noticed some suspicious "Tweeting" going on recently:



This eyebrow-raising post elicited a reply from one of the so-called "Twitterati":




So I followed the link, which brought me to this:




While it was immediately clear to me that Dennis Hopper was "dropping mad science," Armstrong seemed unconvinced:


I guess some people can't handle life "on the real." I guess that's also why Dennis Hopper's Twitter only has 44 followers. Personally, not only am I unafraid of Dennis Hopper's insights, but it's also as if he's actually channeling my own thoughts:



I don't know if this is the real Dennis Hopper, and I don't care either. The man speaks the truth, and ITTET that's all that matters.

57 comments:

CommieCanuck said...

woot?

Bill said...

um

Bill said...

hey commie, i don't know what to do up here, you? oh, woot, woot?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Third?

Johnny Sprocket said...

Top 10.. bunch sprint.

Fenriz said...

Sheisse!

CommieCanuck said...

Now we know why Levi shaves his head.

I say subpoena the pubes.

Anonymous said...

no frigging way...

Anonymous said...

I figured you were just goofing around, Snobby

Anonymous said...

CRACKER PLEASE!
8=========D ~ ~ ~

Anonymous said...

mmmh...fact is this Armstrong never ever won the tour without drugs...as every single cyclist did for a long, long time.

Anonymous said...

No Woot! Woot!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

brettok said...

So you're gonna be writing for a "canary cage liner"?

Anonymous said...

I don't just shave everywhere, I am waxed on a daily basis - everywhere...

Anonymous said...

Holy shit, a Canadian winning something! He must have pulled a crazier stunt than Bauer at the '88 world championships.

Luck E. said...

Dennis Hopper is a genius.


A

libertyonbikes! said...

"If Armstrong's bodily fluids had that kind of power, then Ashley Olson would have at least won a mountain stage by now."

comedic genius.
Maybe 2010 will be the year you
break into Comedy Central.

Who will you roast?

BK said...

Use http://fake-twitter.com/ next time.

Anonymous said...

Hey BSNYC?
When your book comes out what are the chances of it coming with a rare super ltd mixtape?
I would probably get it then...
Oh and will we have to wander to the bike mag thing ouselves or will you guide us through here... It's hard for me to keep up since I don't have my own monkey anymore.

W!W!

blueyesrise said...

I lol'ed @ Ashley Olson

Unemployed Art History Major said...

I'm afraid this post is not up to the fact checking standards that I've come to expect from this fine blog. Napoleon II was "emperor" of France for only two weeks after his fathers 100 day restoration, and that as we all know was in the summer of 1815, three years before the first draisine or velocipede, which I am fairly certain were never used for any sort of organized racing events. However the author may have simply mistyped and meant Napoleon III, whose empire ushered in modern France and the glorious p-far. These are the kind of mistakes that are sure to be caught by the fastidious fact-checkers at a fine publication such as Bicycle Magazine.

grog said...

Tourmalet,
I rock Trek, and roll Bicycle.
Put that in your nipple wrench and twist it.

agent detroit said...

no way! so I decided to check out the trendy coffee shop today, and look what was parked outside!
flickr.com/photos/agentdetroit/3368100665
but look closley, I believe there's something more sinister going on. perhaps a training machine for some hipster ninja dojo...
flickr.com/photos/agentdetroit/3368100661

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

Ah, the double post.

If i can pass a drug test anyone can, no need for details but trust me.

I'm still not buyin that canary liner, a triple post with some nsfw stuff might get me though.

Today reminds me of the day when i first heard catpower on a car commercial or flavaflav kissin red sonja....

Lucky said...

Obama has picked up some bad habits from Dubya. Trek? Really? How about mixing up the old white house stable?

kale said...

I don't know what's more exciting - a double snob post or finally trying to figure out if I put my jacket on for the ride home?

Spring is here?

Anonymous said...

Napoleon III, you mean, Napoleon II never reigned.

Anonymous said...

Way to go Snob, rocking the Double Post...
I thought French guys with scissors were called stylists....

Fred Zeppelin said...

kale, you speak the truth. Warm weather!

PS the egg-standing-on-end thing is a myth, it can be done any time of year.

Anonymous said...

i hope lance, who is known to read this blog, will find the ashley olson joke to be funny...because it certainly is! comedy gold. BRAVO!

fixedbr said...

Um... the Obama bikes look slightly off actually... check the chainring it looks completely different from Obama's bike... Close though... maybe he "Change"d it? hahaha

carlos said...

snooze

Anonymous said...

fixedbr-

And there's no way Sasha would ride with a C-Town rain-protector bag on the seat. Maybe as a handwarmer/windbreaker...

Anonymous said...

"Now we know why Levi shaves his head.

I say subpoena the pubes."

best comment of the day... add 1st comment to that and you have something akin to Commie taking all the jersey's today.

Anonymous said...

woah, re: urinating on the wedding cake...

at a wedding ten years ago i was so sloshed i pissed in a walk in closet at the reception.

Carissa said...

I was asked to be on our local Portland news as a Twitter expert yesterday, and used Lance Armstrong's twitter as an example, which I know about because of you. It's on my blog. It's hilarious. I am so expert.

Rodney Dangerfield said...

Back when I was racing, one of the race officials asked me for a urine, hair and stool sample... so I gave them my shorts !

Boom boom!!

Bill said...

great blog Carissa

Surly Bastard said...

I want my own Sniper Kitty in the window ...

Anonymous said...

HEY RODNEY! been waiting for you to show!

UCI said...

Rodney-

You forgot the semen.

gnarlygnu said...

check out Lance's other tweets and leave your own http://lancestweets.wetpaint.com/

Udder said...

Does anyone else think that Eric Roberts is prettier than his sister?

TheTye said...

You might consider:
Yee-Hah
or
bow-chicka-bow-wow
or
oh snap!

or maybe variables on w00t...
like B00t.
or
Suit
or
gl00t-in
or
fr00t
or the filipino treat: Bal00t

Either way.....

Anonymous said...

I remember a local cat 2 cyclist proclaiming he "would suck a dick if it would make him go faster"... as opposed to his usual syringe of steroids.

lance could have a marketable product here.

perhaps he contains the very cure he is in search of...

Marrock said...

My thinking on it goes something like this...

If they all take the damn drugs anyway doesn't that level the field out on it's own?

Since they're all taking the same stuff they all get the same boost from them.

Critical Ass said...

This guy is using BSNYC's endorsement to sell his Trek 610:

http://denver.craigslist.org/bik/1083607014.html

bother yam said...

2) The French are attempting to collect enough of Lance Armstrong to actually make their own Lance Armstrong. If this is true then you can expect Agritubel's GC contender (as crazy as the idea of a French GC contender sounds) to consist entirely of blood, urine, and nail clippings. They're probably gluing on the hair as I type this, and also cutting an Armstrong mask out of some canary cage liner like Bicycling with a pair of safety scissors.

That has to be the funniest paragraph to emerge your keyboard to date.

Shram said...

this sums it up--and yes, I've done it too:

http://graphjam.com/2008/10/28/song-chart-memes-first-in-the-comments/

Andy Pandy said...

Maybe, just maybe LA and the young Olsen lass practised safe sex , thus .... no cannot summon up the courage to take that image any further

viagra online without prescription said...

I see good the initiative of Obama!!. The public people should lead by example,ever necessary. The conservation and savings are very important for our society!

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