Friday, September 12, 2008

Comfy Chairs: Riding and Reading

Bike lanes are a contentious issue in the earnest and dorky world of bicycle advocacy. Some people feel that safe and protected bike lanes are the key to getting more people cycling. Others feel bike lanes are dangerous places to ride, and simply lull riders into a false sense of security when they should instead be asserting their right to the road. Still others feel that bike lanes are an insidious conspiracy of the oil and auto industries, and that they're really just "fly strips for cyclists" designed to lure them to a place where they can be easily doored, stuffed in trunks, and driven to labor camps where they are then forced to melt down their own bicycles and use the metal build replacement doors for cars.

Personally, I like bike lanes. Not because I think they work especially well, but because I think they're symbols of respect. I like that someone has to go out there and paint little pictures of bicycles all over the city for me. So when people park in the bike lane (or stroll in the bike lane, or ride skateboards in the bike lane, or allow their Cocker Spaniels to relieve themselves in the bike lane) I don't get angry because they're inconveniencing me. I'm more than capable of riding among the cars, and often do. No, I get angry in the same way Archie Bunker used to get angry when Meathead would sit in his special chair. I deal with enough crap as a cyclist, and the least the DOT can do is give me my special chair and make municipal employees fluff the pillows for me every so often by freshening the paint and filling the potholes. And when someone's in my special chair I get really annoyed. Sure, I could go sit somewhere else, but I don't want to! Get the hell out of my chair, Meathead!

Of course, as you may have seen on Gothamist or in the New York Post, some people don't want us to have a nice comfy chair, especially when we lounge in that chair in our metaphorical underpants. Indeed, it seems as though the Hasids of Williamsburg are upset about the fact that scantily-clad female cyclists are pedaling up and down the bike lanes that pass through their neighborhood, consequently driving these pious, scholarly gentlemen mad with lust and distracting them from the Talmud. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Where are these bike lanes exactly, and will the Hasidic community also object if I bring my own comfy chair, place it on the sidewalk, and sip mint juleps as I watch this skin show on wheels?"

Well, firstly, it's important to keep in mind that if you're not a member of an ultra-Orthodox religious group you're probably not going to find the display quite as provocative as the Hasids apparently do. (If you're Amish though your head might explode.) Secondly, while it's tempting to say that it's ridiculous for the Hasids to expect the rest of the world to conform to their beliefs and sensibilities, it is important to understand their predicament. For years, they have only had to deal with normal urban sexual temptations, like salacious advertisements, street-walking prostitues, and scantily-clad women dancing seductively in wet t-shirts to salsa music next to open fire hydrants on sultry, hot summer days. Now all of a sudden they've got to deal with the relatively new phenomenon of "hipster" Williamsburg as well, including its concomitant pale-skinned, tattooed, undernourished cyclists on their fixed-gears and old crappy 10 speeds.

Fortunately, I think I can act as an intermediary between these two communities. While I think the Hasids are certainly wrong to oppose bike lanes, I also think it's important for "hipster" Williamsburg to finally begin respecting its neighbors. So I call upon you, "hipsterim" (for lack of a better word) to incorporate some Hasidic wisdom into your own culture, meet with the local Rabbis, and create "Hipster Eruvin." Essentially, this will involve roping off certain sections of the neighborhood in which it will be permissible for you to cycle around in your depraved, lustful, and sensual hoodies, black jeans, and studded belts so that the men of the community might finally bring the raging fires in their loins under control.

(And before anyone out there starts making assumptions about my heritage, just remember you don't have to be Jewish to have read "The Yiddish Policemen's Union.")

In the meantime, as we all know, a good way to cover up a little skin is with a hanky, and as you might remember a certain clothing company sent me a rather expensive one not too long ago. To be honest, before I posted it, I didn't realize how expensive it actually was. Nor, to be even more honest, did I actually think people might actually want it. I sort of felt like Jerry Seinfeld in the "Puffy Shirt" episode. "These? They're making these?!?" But amazingly, people do want it, because the guy at trackosaurusrex is "totally feeling it:"


It's not too often you find yourself having something someone else wants. Now I know how those girls in the Wythe Street bike lane feel--except in this case it's just a blogger lusting after my scarf, and not a Hasidic man lusting after my body. In any case, trackosaurusrex, drop me a line. I may be able to make your dreams come true. I'm thinking I'll give it the "Pista treatment" and let it go for $5 less than full retail. And apart from putting it on once for the photo (and also making a highly recalcitrant dog wear it for a second) it hasn't even been worn. Trust me.

Speaking of free stuff, since the whole hanky thing it's come to my attention that some people think companies actually send me things. Nothing could be further from the truth. If anything, it's the opposite--companies seem to want to keep their products away from me for fear that I might incinerate them with my gaze or something. Sure, someone recently offered to send me some kind of unguent to evaluate, but I declined. (I have a strict and, to my mind, quite sensible policy of not testing mysterious creams.) So when the people at VeloPress actually offered to send me a book for free and assured me it was not made out of cream I gladly accepted:

If this were a bike part or a piece of clothing or something I probably wouldn't mention it outside of the context of ridicule, but this is a book written by a former pro racer about his time racing in Europe. Writing is hard, and racing is hard, and both can be thankless. So I have no problem thanking Joe Parkin for writing a sordid, funny, and engrossing book which I thoroughly enjoyed, nor with recommending it to anyone who wants to read a book about the underbelly of pro bike racing in the 80s. In the book, Parkin compares racing in Belgium to punk rock, and it's an apt comparison to this book as well--and I mean that in the best possible way, and not in the "Good Charlotte" way.

Just make sure if you do read it you do so in an actual comfy chair and not in the bike lane.

Ride safe this weekend,


--BSNYC/RTMS

150 comments:

Lucky 7 said...

Love Fridayzzzz.


A

Anonymous said...

whatevs.

Anonymous said...

Have a good weekend!

Aleks said...

top 5?

ant1st said...

First!

manicallday said...

Took long enough. Make it a little more snappy next time. Damn!

Anonymous said...

hm?

genersal lsmenedd said...

ONE LESS PRIUS! !

Andrew said...

got wolf-forked out fo the podium

Tractor Operator said...

every city needs a place to sweep their broken glass into - the bike lane is great for that
.
I feel bad for the roadies I try to keep up with on the streets who are constantly pointing down to their right to let me know that I should avoid "that".

Mark said...

top ten?

Anonymous said...

I thought those rabbis were lookin' at me funny the other day...

Video_Drome said...

DEATH TO VIDEO_DROME!!!!!!!!!


thanx bikesnob!!!

Jeff said...

mysterious creams? Did DZNuts contact you?

Sprocketboy said...

This is so great: from being a Dorky Cyclist I have become a Rolling Sex Symbol! The outlook for my whole weekend has improved. Thanks, hasidim--nothing like causing excitement in an ultra-conservative religious sect to get the mojo working! Now, I just need to find that Nashbar sleeveless jersey to strut around in...

By the way, I have raced in spandex in Amish Country and nobody's head exploded. Some of the furrows seemed to be a bit crooked afterwards though.

flatulent fox said...

the underbelly of racing: when will they write about the pot belly of casual riding...

Strayhorn said...

The story about the Hasid was on a cycling forum this morning and I clicked it, braving the threat of Post cooties, because I thought for sure they'd have some bike pr0n similar to what we've seen here recently.

Well, that's a attractive woman but she's practically wearing a burka.

Meanwhile, back home in North Carolina, I'd like to say "hey" to the woman on the Specialized who regularly drops me on Borland Hill. If the Hasid ever get a glimpse of her sleeveless jersey halfway unzipped on a hot day, they will really have something to complain about.

disgruntled goat said...

men wearing silk scarves? its gypsy infiltration!

JPB said...

VideoDrome - Long Live the New Flesh!

Anonymous said...

ONE LESS PRIMUS!

manicallday said...

I want this bike rack.

http://www.trackosaurusrex.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry080910-125535

Anonymous said...

Fresh paint on the bike lane;
HUFFING AND PUFFING!

Anonymous said...

I want to be unique, just like everybody else. Is that ironic?

Anonymous said...

ONE LESS HARLEY T-SHIRT!

Video_Drome said...

Long live the new flesh bikesnob!

Anonymous said...

Weee!
(I'm posting like the Willy Nilly Arm Wave Bike Rider.)
WEEEEEEEE!

Gerchof Sirdribeldik said...

No is fair. When I see new post I have comment to get for me top ten, but by time I make the English words is too late. Since I lose race, I play race card and say that you are borscht snorting moose eating Republicans. When we capture Ukraine we will stop travel of large breasted cooking women

Anonymous said...

I'm confused. So, he has this scarf that is overpriced but he didnt pay for it? But it wasnt given to him?

I dont like the thought i am giving someothing that is so mundane.

Anonymous said...

ONE LESS CHAINRING TATOO!

jay said...

"Hipsterim"

fecking brilliant!

frilly said...

A--Couldn't agree more especially about this Friday cuz tomorrow is Hermann!!!
I can't wait except its supposed to rain tomorrow, so I suppose I should wear a white t-shirt & quick learn some salsa dancing.

Anonymous said...

i for one have never seen a car parked in a bike lane ever get a ticket. it upsets me. how about pushing for a new city code giving the passing bike rider the right to kick the offending car?

Anonymous said...

i want bicyclists to be ticketed when they go the wrong direction in the bike lane.

feedmeshow said...

Snob, you're a brilliant writer, but you've spent more time between Chabon's smart covers than the Burg's tawdry curbs. There are no hipster girls in the Wythe Ave. bike lane. They ride the wrong way down the one on Berry instead.

kale said...

Anon 2:38

I like to do the whole shoulder tap thing with the assholes that stand next to their car in the bike lane, not looking at me barreling towards them. That always gets a laugh.

Anonymous said...

Hacidim but I cannot believe 'em.

Boris Yeltsin said...

Noooooooobody expects the Hasidic Inquisition...

Mazal Tov!

Anonymous said...

such a deal for you at twice the price, my friend.

Anonymous said...

That's it! Bikesnob is Joe Parkin.

JPB said...

For those of you advocating more tickets and laws pertaining to bike lanes; Be careful what you wish for. One of the things that draws many of us to cycling is the relative sense of freedom you get on a bicycle versus the confinement of a car. If you start asking for more laws and tickets governing the bike lanes, you may find your self on the recieving end. Personally, I have no problem riding the wrong way in the bike lane as long as I do not get in anybody's way.

As for the devout being forced to confront partially naked women on bikes; Don't you have any real problems to worry about?

Anonymous said...

ONE LESS CHAIN WALLET!

AnnaZed said...

...how about pushing for a new city code giving the passing bike rider the right to kick the offending car?

Kick the offending car! During the bike wars of the 80's in New York (in which I participated) we used to smash the offending car's head light (left front) with U-locks while speeding past. I kid you not. Sometimes frankly the cars weren't offending all that much. That's probably why drivers (particularly taxie drivers) hate cyclists so much still in NYC.

John In Atlanta said...

Ride SafeLY this weekend

Surly Bastard said...

Yes, I also both fear and love the bike lane.

Commiecanuk said...

Bike lanes are the epitome of safety, nothing says your safe in a lane like a 3 inch strip of white paint. It's deceptive, but that strip is slightly raised, and will cause an SUV to flip if they try to traverse it, and pedestrians will trip over it to die in oncoming traffic. Great area to drop off glass bottles for guerrilla recycling, and often one can see a thin black skid mark just before a large brown-white coffee stain. Few people realize that paint is really, really, expensive (it's 2% Chuck Norris' semen), which is why municipalities always hesitate to make more bike lanes.

During recent trip to Berlin, I took note of the red lanes-these are bike lanes beside sidewalks that are bike-only an protected by a curb. If one is Peysered down by an arrogant cyclist into dorkwurst, the local polizie will write big ticket-to the pedestrian. Fucking efficient, those Germans.

This may have something to do with the fact that at rush hour, there are far more bikes then cars commuting. If I weren't for the fact that I look awful in black turtleneck and red jeans, I'd move there.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of bike lanes in Williamsburg...

Why did they put the new bike lane on the wrong side of Wythe Avenue? It is on the right when it should be on the left.

They put the lane on the left on Berry Street.

Been riding on the left side of Wythe for some 20 years and don't expect to change that because some lame brain DOT hack got it wrong.

jessica said...

"It's not too often you find yourself having something someone else wants"

probably not that often when you are a sexually repressed hasidic jew...:(

for a while i wondered if snobby
wasnt infact asian, but once again, my belief that bike snob is a jew has been confirmed. mazal tov!

perhaps bsnyc cannot handle all the tantalizing nubile cyclist and is himself calling for the cessation? i mean, can you imagine riding through the city and coming across an exposed upper thigh, or perhaps cleavage of a fellow cyclist and not having the ability to open up mspaint and pixelate a chastity garment over the offending extremities?!? major distraction and extremely dangerous indeed!

not to worry though. soon enough the weather will become inclement and the cyclist who commit these heathenistic fashions will either stop riding or stop riding.

also im sure that guy just wants the scarf to wrap his balls in so he can take a photo of himself tea bagging a top tube.

ant1st said...

Commie -
"Peysered down" = Hilarious.

Mel gibson said...

of course BSNYC's a jew, everyone knows jews control the blog industry.

frilly said...

Hey Snobby, have you read any of the Dave Shields 'Le Tour' series? Sort of entertaining if you have any interest in the ProTour.

Stevil gave the Parkin book a decent write-up too. No offense but I had to wonder if he actually read it, he doesn't exactly look like the literary type. But I guess you can't judge a book by its cover (hee hee).

Gnarles Darwin said...

I feel like today post actually crossed into the realm of Reading Rainbow. It was nice. It gave me a nostalgic warm fuzzy feeling for my childhood. Thanks snob!

JimmyNick said...

Has that scarf been raced?

Anonymous said...

I actually love riding around the South Side in shorts or a skirt for this very reason. I love my freedom, biznatches!

kale said...

Southside naked rain ride this weekend.

Bring your shitty 10 speed and Manischewitz and I'll bring my fixie and PBR.

Bicyclesonly said...

More reasons to like bike lanes.

Bike's nob said...

The problem with bike lanes in Seattle is they end, usually in a crappy, traffic filled road.

Tevye said...

All day long I'd check out hipster chicks....

If I were a wealthy man!

The Spanish Inquisition said...

Among our weaponry are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency...and a fanatical devotion to the Pope.

Anonymous said...

Commiecanuck: I admire your contributions to this site, but "...a thin black skid mark just before a large brown-white coffee stain..." Please promise never to write of your undershorts here again.

I said...

CONgRAtUlations,

stupid. again.

Alcocycle said...

Bike lane
Bike lane
Take me to the bar
Don't get a DUI
If I don't drive no car

leroy said...

A book recommendation?

Don't you think that's just a little irresponsible, BSNYC?

Some of us move our lips when we read and an engrossing tome could induce a painful labial sprain.

Honestly, not all of us who ride are daredevils.

K-Ro said...

That's a great book, I'm reading it now as well. Bob Roll's intro is amazing - that guy has some insane metaphors, I love it.

Keith said...

Shmuel: Apes don't read The Yiddish Policemen's Union!

Sadie: Yes, they do, Shmuel, they just don't understand it.

Matthew said...

My sister (feel free to chime in, M) was recently struck by a left-turning oncoming car while riding in the bike lane. The driver lied and said she was going the wrong way. And you know what? The cop found it believable enough to not issue a ticket.

Why? It's because of assholes like jpb, who make that excuse plausible.

Anna Marie said...

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/scz/bik/832981090.html

Anonymous said...

Actually a lot of people LIKE pretty women on bikes, even if - or downright when - they're scantily clad (I confess, you don't have to put me in the comfy chair).
There's even websites around this such as
Copenhagen Cycle Chic.

Johnnyvu said...

does the hipsterim who owns that crap 10 spd appreciate what an awful attempt at knocking off shimano ax aero that he has? And is he ironic about it? That would surely be a sign of the apocalypse, hipsters riding vintage geared bikes. Or if you see this, the mother of all back breaking pursuit bikes coming down that bike lane, surely it's name is pestilence.
http://cgi.ebay.com/CINELLI-LASER-TRACK-BIKE-PISTA-Frame-55-5-cm_W0QQitemZ110288979317QQihZ001QQcategoryZ159089QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

johnnyvu said...

sorry to big a url, you'll just have to find it yourself, you'll know it when you see it.

Anonymous said...

First Post!!! Hahaha!

Critical Ass said...

Looks like Snob's bike has found its way to Denver. Check out the tires.

http://denver.craigslist.org/bik/840732408.html

Wade said...

Bike lanes are basically like gay marriage. It’s a positive advancement that makes a subversive outsider culture more mainstream . So although you might get more respect and acceptance and you’re perhaps safer, society isn’t as afraid of you and you become more like the average person. And as you may have noticed (this ends my use of gay marriage to illustrate a possible downside to bike lanes), you can’t ride as fast in a bike lane as you can on the open street; so while you might be a tad bit safer and get some public recognition for your transportation choice, you lose mobility and the freedom to ride the streets in your own special way, especially in the enclosed bike lanes that are starting to be built in NYC. Perhaps some day pelotons of bicycle commuters will ride along the LIE or down the West Side Highway or even the Pulaski Skyway at a brisk clip, but the current allocation of space for bicycle travel will probably not match the increase in urban cyclists, so we’ll be going slower and slower in the bike paths. I too though am happy there are more bike paths even though they frustrate me.

Commiecanuk said...

anon 10:08:

It is well known the commie rides "commando".

Anonymous said...

stupid

Anonymous said...

stupid

Anonymous said...

stupid

Self-appointed expert on the subject said...

BSNYC,

Late comment..sorry. Just got through reading the book...really enjoyed it.

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