Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Organic Panic: Weaver of Dreams, Chamferer of Nightmares

In yesterday's post, I mentioned morning routines and the truncation thereof. Minimalist pretenses aside, the truth is we can all benefit from cropping a few seconds off of our AM ablutions, thus allowing us to spend more time during the day enriching ourselves and our employers and restoring America (Canada's smarmy chest hair thatch) to greatness. One way of doing this is by paying less attention to our personal hygiene. For example, by shaving seconds instead of faces (or other less visible body parts) we can return to the days of hairy, unkempt prosperity we enjoyed back in the frontier days. By not brushing our teeth, we enrich our nation's dentists, artisanal wooden teeth makers, and, ultimately Serotta (four out of five dentists ride Serottas). And my generally not bathing, our collective national musk will overpower our unpopular foreign policy, and the world will look doe-eyed and lustfully upon us, smitten with and intoxicated by our powerful pheromones.

For my part, I'm proud to announce that I've already saved over 15 minutes from my own morning routine simply by switching from piña coladas (which are time-consuming to prepare) to much simpler rum-and-Cokes (otherwise known as Cuba Libres--or, if you use RC instead of Coke, Cuba Gooding, Jrs.). However, there's one activity that I will never excise from my morning routine, and that is writing in my "dream journal," which looks like this:

I strongly believe that dreams are the key to understanding ourselves, so I always record mine as soon as I wake up. Here's this morning's entry:

I am the proprietor of a hair salon called "Hair Ye, Hair Ye" in Ozone Park, Queens. It's five minutes before closing and I've just finished shellacking my eighteenth "Carmine Gotti" when three bedraggled young men walk in. Each one of them looks like a young Bob Marley if he had been a white lumberjack. They explain they are from Portland and are on a semi-ironic "epic" fixed-gear cycling tour of non-hipster New York, and that their goal is to explore the limitless possibilities of the fixed drivetrain, laugh at working people, and copy their tattoos. They're also making a feature film, and their videographer appears to be tremendously amused by the person sweeping the floor and is simultaneously taking video of him and poking at him with a U-lock.

The riders go on to explain that they've come in for an emergency dreadlock delousing, and when I explain that I'm closing they become petulant and offer to give me a $750 backpack made by one of the 17 cycling bag companies sponsoring their journey. For some reason, I agree, but just as I'm about to start they become petulant once again because the chemical I'm using is not "organic." It's at this point that the one with the knuckle tattoos that say "BAGW HORE" suddenly transforms into serial retrogrouch and über-curmudgeon Jobst Brandt, and as he launches into a tirade about the importance of stress relief and the propensity for anodized rims to exhibit cracking around the spoke holes, I am consumed by a feeling of inexplicable terror and I wake up reaching frantically for the Park TM-1 I keep on my nightstand.

I have no idea what any of these means, though I suspect it's the result of either work-related anxiety or eating too much salsa just before bedtime.

Unfortunately, my organic-themed night-terror (or, more accurately, night-smugness) did not end upon awakening, for once I padded over to my computer and checked my email I was alerted by a reader to the imminent "droppage" of the new "Brooks Organic Saddles:"

Back in the mid-aughts, when the first "hipster" bolted a hand-chamfered English touring saddle to his Japanese Keirin racing bike and undertook that fateful half-mile ride to the bar, his fellow hipsters were beguiled. "What new curiosity is this?," they wondered aloud. It was a revelation--the fashion equivalent of that monkey scene in 2001, except with a Brooks saddle instead of a bone.

Now, years later, given the substantial break-in period for a Brooks, the hipsters' investment should just be starting to pay off. Even those half-mile rides add up eventually, and many of these riders' saddles are only now beginning to grow comfortable. However, the hipsters were investing in fashion, not in comfort, and with Brooks saddles now commonplace their appeal is inevitably diminishing. So what to do? Certainly it would be foolish to completely redesign the venerable Brooks, cherished and faithful ass companion of the retro-grouch. So instead, Brooks has wisely looked beyond the saddle itself, opting instead for a sort of meta-redesign. In short, their revelation was this:

"We shall not change the saddle. We shall change the very cows from whose hide they are constructed!"

This is nothing short of genius, for it opens up a whole new realm of style "curation," fashion-based one-upsmanship, and surcharges. Sure, you may have a Brooks, but what did it eat? Where did it live? What did its big dumb eyes gaze upon before its flesh met Eric "The Chamferer" Murray's blade? Next, people will ascribe mystical ride properties to certain cows in the same way that they do with different types of steel tubing. "Nothing caresses the taint like the hide of a cow that has supped on the waving grasses of Iceland." Ultimately, all of this will culminate in a custom saddle program wherein you simply visit the Brooks website, browse their Gallery of Cows, and personally choose the beast whose remnants you want between your legs. This will also allow Brooks to appeal to the increasingly large "cyclist foodie" market, since they can offer you cheeses from the same animal that provided your saddle. Best of all, Brooks can charge by the pound, so such an enterprise promises to be extremely lucrative.

Speaking of redesigns, while many designers attempt to redesign the bicycle, perhaps the most misguided design attempts are those that concern head protection. While it is certainly not my intention to provoke the dreaded "helmet debate," I do believe that it's vital for all of us--even the most staunch helmet advocate--to recognize that the purpose of the helmet is to protect the head and not to enhance the appearance of the wearer, and that any attempts to integrate aesthetic appeal or fashion or to create some exciting new design that will suddenly make helmet use "cool" is inherently misguided and certain to fail. Let cycling helmets be and look like helmets. They're cheap, they're light, and they're comfortable. Do not try to make them look like hats. It's perfectly fine to let something look like what it is. You could put a thousand designers to work on the "problem" of helmet aesthetics and not find a solution, as this contest that was forwarded to me by a reader conclusively proves. Entries included this futuristic synthetic babushka:

This woodgrain yarmulke that will offer you minimal protection in the event that your matching wooden handlebars snap:

And of course the combination conquistador helmet and shopping bag:


Though the eventual winner was apparently the repurposed paper honeycomb party ball:

A cyclist in a typical bicycle helmet looks no more ridiculous than a pedestrian in a raincoat. However, a cyclist in any of the pretend-hat bicycle helmet designs I've seen looks like a nerd waiting to get into a "Star Wars" premiere. Really, most of these designs are about as elegant as wearing a plastic soda bottle on your head--though not nearly as elegant as using a plastic soda bottle to protect your hands, as in this "Cockie" contest submission via "Cyclingreporter:"

Notice that the green bottle is on the left in accordance with International Cockpit Curation Rules. This helps insure that proprietors of ZBCs (or "Zany Bicycle Cockpits") pass each other on the proper side so they can avoid entangling their bar ends and other accessories like a couple of fighting bucks. In fact, successful ZBC navigation can be so difficult that some riders even use radios, as spotted by "The Bike Dork:"

Sometimes, beauty isn't just cockpit deep, and that is certainly the case here. In addition to the Greg LeMond drops complete with aero extensions, multiple data sources, and radio, the excitement extends beyond the cockpit in the form of a characteristically stomach-churning Landshark paintjob and ultra-rare Rock Shox Paris-Roubaix fork. This is an optimal setup for outrunning the forces of good taste. "Breaker! Breaker! I got a smokey on my tail and a Landshark between my legs, and I'm headed straight for dork city. Yee-haw!"

Considerably more understated is this subtle design, spotted by a reader all the way in St. Petersburg, Russia:


It's strangely owl-like:

By the way, if you're "palping" an organic Brooks, beware of owls--they've been known to swoop on them.

105 comments:

samh said...

Who would win in a race Merckx or God? Trick question Merckx is God.

Anonymous said...

Do not put anything in my kunstbox.

Poulidor said...

like my name...

Anonymous said...

steel cut pig's ass

reuben said...

just missed

Anonymous said...

Yep, I already read the post and still got top nutsack.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Who then is samh?

ant1 said...

ant1st!

ant1 said...

jesus samh, you been working with Lim or something?

10,000 Aches said...

It has been a long time, my friends.

agent detroit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
g said...

Someone trace samh's ip address and tell his boss what the fuck he does all day!

Congrats on the stellar win, though.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

"And by generally not bathing, our collective national musk will overpower our unpopular foreign policy, and the world will look doe-eyed and lustfully upon us, smitten with and intoxicated by our powerful pheromones."

Snobie is running for President!

samh said...

Thirty minutes a day spent waiting for BSNYC's witty, fresh, and relevant posts is time well-spent.

Paul Bowen said...

"And by generally not bathing, our collective national musk will overpower our unpopular foreign policy, and the world will look doe-eyed and lustfully upon us, smitten with and intoxicated by our powerful pheromones."

Hasn't worked for France.

crosspalms said...

odium!
(had to leave my p in a cup).
Or maybe it was the Mel Brooks saddle slowing me down.

Comment deleted said...

This author has been removed by his post.

Anonymous said...

training wheels

Booksy said...

smells like burning

le correcteur said...

Top 20! My derriere got sore from my organic Brooks; only has 19,999 miles on it this year!

Captain Hairdo said...

The part about choosing your own cow and buying cheese from the same cow your saddle was made from is the funniest thing I've read in a long time.

yogisurf said...

best ever, snobby. Lucky no one is near my office ;-)

hillbilly said...

"my generally not bathing"...freudian slip?

Anonymous said...

top 20, meh! i would prefer that my saddle comes from some cow that had a sucky life and was glad to be killed and sliced up for food and clothing and bike seats rather than a happy coddled organic cow who spends his days blissfully grazing the grassy pastures of iceland. I would feel bad slaughtering that happy cow just so I can have an overpriced uncomfortable, yet fashionable, bike seat.

Anonymous said...

I think the real question is, when will we see a *vegan* Brooks saddle? Presumably made out of organic tofu.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

adam manley said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNw8KUnAfrU

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_y1qGzIj9pAY/TB4CEppVeYI/AAAAAAAAACg/tcdSmIDQamw/s1600/Hair-Helmet.png

ant1 said...

samh - speaking of his cannibalness

Anonymous said...

'speaking of kippahs, Happy Sukkot!

acquiesce808 said...

"...for me to poop on!"

Isolation Helmet said...

Unfortunately once you have an organic saddle you will need to source an entire bicycle made from oganic materials. Tires, brake pads, top tube protector etc. By the way, does Rapha do organic?

Anonymous said...

I dunno, those Brown Swiss cows just *look* comfortable....

http://www.traderspointcreamerystore.com/tp8.jpg

mikeweb said...

Oh, well as long as they're Swiss cattle. Does the organic Brooks also come with the cow's bell?

samh said...

ant1 - Who would win in a race King Kong or drunk King Kong?

ant1 said...

samh - eddy merckx?

Unknown said...

Dear Mr. Snob - If your publisher held a BRA for you in the Lehigh Valley (Genesis Bicycles, Bike Line or Performance Bikes are all good), millions would come to sing your praises and worship you for the demi-god you are. You might even sell some books.

cycle

Fabian said...

Swiss cows make me fast.

Chris Walken said...

I've got a fever for more cow bell!

Anonymous said...

20,000 miles, seriously? If you're riding 20k miles a year, you are NOT buying a Brooks saddle. Somebody might be giving it to you. Along with a big old fat check in the hopes that you'll be photographed with your lovely, well-defined ass sitting pretty on it.

Wow samh.

samh said...

Good answer, ant1.

RANTWICK said...

"Canada's smarmy chest hair thatch"!

Please, please keep doing this Canada's thing. It brings me joy and a deep sense of well being, kind of like my Hello Kitty steering wheel cover.

ringcycles said...

Chamferer of Nightmares and organic Swiss cows? I thought only Fred had nightmares about chaferers, at least since you put the fear of where they "harvest" their saddle stock in his head. Lets just say he won't be mooing at any charity ride rest areas or peeing in the bushes.

Unknown said...

I can see the ad now... Organic Brooks: smell the dairy air.

Anonymous said...

Swiss cows:

Organic? supposedly

Vegan? doubtful

Steel-cut? Let's hope!

Anonymous said...

Do they sell Brooks saddles in India? Are they considered holy?

Anonymous said...

beltedone, How about a pre-race presentation at the velodrome?

Anonymous said...

up the ante Samhy! encroyable

CommieCanuck said...

that samh,
that samh,
I do not like that samh,

I do not like green eggs and ham, Samh

CommieCanuck said...

Do they sell Brooks saddles in India? Are they considered holy?

Yes, the saddles themselves are holy, but the saddle makers are considered unclean and untouchable.

grog said...

Good one James.
so, why stop with bovine butt?
Make saddle of kitty hide, nice and furry, very comfy. Or hampster hide saddle with matching grips.
Endless possibilities.

CommieCanuck said...

I'm liking that subtle wooden yarmulke. One can keep it in one's pocket, and should the situation arise, one could leap into a phone booth and pop back out shouting, "THIS looks like a job for SuperJew!"

That would be so cool.

Anonymous said...

Vito spotted!

link

Anonymous said...

I don't know about using household pets as saddles -have you ever smelled a wet dog? Mind you, a wet dog overcoat for a brooks organic saddle would be a way of making sure it doesn't get stolen.

Incidentally, I have a 1995 Brooks saddle, it still hurts my arse (UK spelling) if I don't put enough hours on it every month. There's a day in spring where I do my first long ride of the year and the rest of the weekend is spent lying on my front feeling I lost my rectal virginity to a rugby team.

Mike said...

Those pop bottle "hand covers" actually do have a purpose. When its single digits or colder outside they do a great job keeping the wind off your hands, and thus preventing your fingers from freezing (which will happen no matter how many pair of mittens you're wearing--seriously). And they really aren't any uglier than the various furry sleeve contraptions that different manufacturers have dreamt up over the years.

If you do a BRA here in Minneapolis sometime, try to do it in January or February. Get in touch with me and we can go on an awesome winter ride!

Anonymous said...

O yeah yesterday's post, Snob, (which I only read today):that bike you refered to as a "brakeless pursuit bike" (which a pursuit bike is fundamentally brakeless) is really a tt fixie conversion job equally as hideous as anything out there and I am only calling you on it because I think you are 99point9 percent right on everything though just thought you calling a neutered "funny bike" a pursuit bike was out of character for you as much as it looked like a pure pursuit bike at first glance but the dirty chain hanger on was a dead give away(?)

Just`Sane

Anonymous said...

I wonder if folks can combine their buying power to purchase a case of Brooks saddles like buying a side of beef and divvying it up.

Unknown said...

Bike Snob at the velodrome? We are not worthy!!!!! We are not worthy!!!!! Although the big bike swap is this weekend.

Stovetop said...

Take the time to look at the helmet contest web site. First it is French, second it has a graphic of a monkey modeling a helmet and third, a duck helmet. I'll never look at a helmet the same again. I wish I had a fred or fixie joke to insert here...

Frozen digits said...

Home-brewed hand covers, or "pogies" are pretty common for winter riders. I've also seen folks using large Ziploc bags.

Anonymous said...

Cows grazing in grassy Iceland indeed. It seems mostly rock, water, volcanoes, mud bubbling...

The only grass I saw in Iceland was between a sheet of paper and burning between my fingers.

Shu-Sin said...

samh @1:05, only thirty minutes 'waiting' for the snob post, but you are omitting the thirty minutes 'reading' the post and all the links in it... are you a mnmlst too?

Fierce Panties said...

Dude, what's wrong with the Land shark scheme?

Bobby said...

The organic Brooks is lovingly smothered in Crisco? Egads! I'll have to soak it and smother the thing in Proofide anyway, quite un-organic, and far better. Otherwise, we just might suffer "deafness" again. What's the guilt with using "burger wrappers" for your perch anyway?

Anonymous said...

Hey how 'bout a saddle made from foreskins.

Of course the problem is when rubbed with proofide it would grow to the size of a Lazy-Boy recliner.

Anonymous said...

snob you should have a look at this post Montreal's CL

http://montreal.en.craigslist.ca/bik/1979578970.html

maybe you can help this guys with your wisdom.

the bike dork said...

Hey thanks for putting picture on your blog! I feel famous.

Grumpy said...

"wear-life taking precedence over comfort"? Holysmokes at 20,000 miles a year that's say 1,340 hours or so in da saddle, it better be comfy!

BTW do you think shaving my genitilia would save seconds drying in the morning and make me a mo better minimalist?

Gordon said...

in that brooks ad, you can see 5 saddles, and if they are destined for people who put in 20,000+ miles per year, I think thats all they intend to sell.

Just doing the simple math, thats 1000 hours in the saddle, or 3 hours every single day. Can't do that and hold down a real job.

Marketed at the people who would like you to think that they ride 20K+ per year?

Not marketed at me, because I do all that I can to avoid great pains in the ass.

Maybe they are real popular with the closeted gay community: "Still breaking the the brooks saddle, thats why I was walking funny, no other reason, why do you ask....."

Anonymous said...

Great post, as usual. Couple minor errors in here worth correcting for posterity:

"And my generally not bathing, our collective national musk will overpower our unpopular foreign policy, and the world will look doe-eyed and lustfully upon us, smitten with and intoxicated by our powerful pheromones."

"...any attempts to integrate aesthetic appeal or fashion or to create some exciting new design that will suddenly make helmet use "cool" is inherently misguided and certain to fail."

Anonymous said...

Funniest thing I've ever read!

Anonymous said...

In Chicago I have noticed several retro hipsters wearing really old bike helmets. I mean those silly leather strap helmets and even worse, the yellow plastic ones that have four pieces that meet in the middle ("skid lids.") Looks stupid and is useless too, what could be better? If there is one area of bike design that has unarguably improved during the last thirty years it would have to be helmets. Is there nothing that retro dorks don't think is better just because it is old?

Anonymous said...

hmmm... the 2-litre bottle hand-fairings are genius. I may have to rock a set of those as things cool down.

wheelie cunneely said...

In soviet russia, bar handles you!

Anonymous said...

BSNYC, firstly, this is a weird comment forum you've got going here -- I don't understand 85% of the posts.

First time commenting b/c I have to say, as a near daily reader, this is probably your most brilliant-est, hipster-BS-demolishing-est, soda-out-the-nose-funny post yet. Chapeau.

Vegas said...

Delightful.

Harvey Saltzman said...

indian revenge......

Head-shaking said...

Bert. Clenbuterol. Discuss.

Anonymous said...

Fingerbanged himself and the result was an overdose of Clenbuterol! It was meant for Vino!

Vegas said...

Anon 7:09 - The comments section is the sifted powdered cocoa on the BSNYC tiramisu.

leroy said...

Is it just me or does that helmet contest winner remind anyone else of that Beatles song?

You know, the one that goes:

"Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?
It took me days to write, will you take a look?
Based on a trip that I took by fixed gear
And I need a job, so I want to be a paper hat rider,
Paper hat rider."

On second thought, maybe it's just me.

Stuart said...

I bought a Brook's saddle back in 1998 and its still on my bicycle. That thing hasn't gotten a bit softer in all these years. Okay, I haven't been very good about waxing it every other day like you're supposed to, but I thought it would get softer by itself if I sat on it enough. I guess at this rate it might get soft in 2035.

Stop picking on the minimalists! America needs to become more minimalist! We use 70 times as much of everything as a Bangladeshi does. I agree that minimalist blogger is pretty full of himself, but we should still encourage the minimalist trend.

I had a minimalist phase (lasted from the end of one marriage to the start of another) and it was great! For about one year no car or TV. I budgeted $700 a month and had cash left over (no health insurance though). I ate fruit, bread and cheese (avoided cooking) and washed my clothes by hand in the sink (it's fun!). For entertainment I climbed mountains or went on long hikes, bicycled, read books and visited friends. For a change of scenery I did volunteer work in a poor country (I learned how little we really need there). Back then, I had lots of time to help out friends and neighbors. That's what I miss most, just having the time to really relate to people and hearing them say "thank you".

Okay, you cynical New York snobs, get out the long knives...

leroy said...

Came upon a crash on the Manhattan Bridge bike path tonight.

Don't know how it could have happened, it looked like a solo crash.

Cops and EMTs were doing a great job for the biker, though. Neck brace, back board, stretcher, IV line -- the whole deal.

Just hope it was all pre-cautionary stuff.

Ride safe all!

DRStedman said...

Wheelie, I absolutely love the "In Soviet Russia..." jokes, and that was one of the best. Well done.

Anonymous said...

samh is inside the matrix. ce

cyclotourist said...

PARK TM-1

stream of nothing said...

can we please have an anti-Contador rant tomorrow? thank you :)

Anonymous said...

Moo.

Oktoberfest said...

oh yeah, please talk about Contador, coz it seems like he´s gonna be doing a minimalistic amount of racing from now on...

And someone commented about Bangladesh... Interesting, because i just did, after haveing read comments from the latest NYT Spokes article, a youtube research ("NYC cycling"), and i was horrified: all i saw in those videos were cars parking in the bus lanes, cars changing lanes in complete anarchy, pedestrians walking on the streets everywhere, crossing at any point any time, bike riders running nearly all red lights.. It might be NYC, but it felt like New Delhi !! (i know, it´s not Bangladesh). Do you people in NYC respect ANY street signs/rules? it´s horrendous... I had planned to rent a bike to visit NYC on my next trip, but i´m not sure it´s a good idea, i´m not suicidal. German obeyance might be a pain in the ass pretty often, but at least, we can ride in town safely.
Except off course during Oktoberfest, but that´s another story.

Anonymous said...

i like samh
singular douche
without flair
naive
loves laffy taffy
hums the mario brothers song when he masturbates

leroy said...

Ughhh. What a morning.

Tony Curtis died.

Arthur Penn died.

The lead story in the NY Times Style Section is about "stylish appendage" bikes and the women who love them, thereby reminding the rest of us of the style shortcominings of our own appendages.

And as if that weren't bad enough, I find out where the takeout meatball parmesan clenbuterol sub I ordered last summer got misdelivered.

And the weather today is lousy.

I think I'll go back to bed and contemplate a more minimalist mornnig routine. BSNYC will have it all sorted out for us this afternoon.

Anonymous said...

Happy belated birthday to CC!

Much love & hugs & kisses!

ant1 said...

good day in the world of cycling. contadope, mosquera, garcia, and a raid on dicco's house. and you thought the excitement was over for the season.

Notlob said...

Stuart,

Thank you for sharing your truly amazing story! I too got kicked out with nothing but my clothes, my books and my bike. You survived a whole year like this! You're my inspiration. Now I'm going to visit a poor country.

Notlob

Auf Deutsch said...

Schleck(en) = to lick

Or as Andy would say in high German (not that Luxembourgish stuff): Sobald wie möglich, will ich die Trophäe, nay meine Trophäe der Tour schlecken!

Anonymous said...

iceland is not lush and green it is barren wasteland due to mankinds transgressions!

Anonymous said...

FYI: Green is supposed to be on the RIGHT or STARBOARD side. Duh!?!?!

Anonymous said...

TAINTED MEAT!

Anonymous said...

Is Michael Ball now working for Vacansoleil?

g said...

Love how Lemond seemed to be able to retroactively predict that AC doped, despite his "they looked tired and therefore could not have doped" seal of approval. Man I hate that guy.

g said...

oh yeah...


100!

jno62 said...

Speaking of dental hygiene, my dentist related this story to me this morning. I'd guess my dentist is 55 maybe a tad older.

His father was born in London and when his father was growing up, he was excited for his teeth to all fall out and to receive dentures. This was a right of passage and he could then join the adults at the "adult" table during meals and holidays. How about that for change?

Of course, when my dentist tells me, "that shadow on your molar is nothing to worry about." I'm more than just a little concerned.........

Unknown said...

killin' me!

Office furniture said...

These all picture which you can share over here is really very great. Even those half-mile rides add up eventually, and many of these riders' saddles are only now beginning to grow comfortable.

fixie bikes said...

Organic saddles? ?Won't they like...rot if you sweat at all?

Anonymous said...

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