I'm beginning to suspect a lot of people have no idea what they're talking about.

Remember my new tires that aren't for fat bikes and yet are apparently for fat biking, provided you do it in summer?

Well Friday I risked life, limb, and warranty by using them in the winter:

It was slow going at first and I was about to turn back, but eventually I got a little rhythm going and made it to the city line:

Emboldened, I pressed on, where footprints indicated only a few intrepid souls had ventured here before me:

And ultimately made it to this mighty waterfall, located far, far upstate in a quaint little rural enclave called "Yonkers:"

Then I cut a hole in the ice, fished for my dinner, spent the night under a bivouac, and undertook the roughly three-mile return trip the next morning.

In all, the entire ride was a little over six miles, and I was gone for a mere fourteen (14) days.

Meanwhile, remember awhile back I mentioned this building?

Well, when I did a reader who is involved with it was kind enough to send me some passes to the Sugar Hill Children's Museum of Art and Storytelling, which is located therein:

(Pic from here.)

I'm pleased to report we marched all seventeen (17) children onto the subway this past weekend for a visit, and it was great.  If you too are the parent of small human children in this city I should not have to tell you the importance of indoor activities located close to subway stations (especially in winter), and as such I would strongly recommend that you add this wonderful institution to your inventory of weekend activities.  (You can read more on my other blog, Parenting Snob NYC.)

Who says bike blogging doesn't pay?

Indeed, later in the day I was still brimming with good cheer, and so I headed back out for an afternoon ride.  I didn't feel like trudging through the snow again, and you never know what road conditions are going to be like outside of the city after a snowstorm, so instead of riding north I headed down to Central Park for a leisurely spin.  The streets were perfectly passable, but of course the shoulders and bike lanes were clear in some places and a mess in others:

I was in no particular hurry, nor was I particularly eager to slip and fall in a puddle of slush, so I rode slowly and savored the brief respite from the twin tumults of weather and parenthood.  Heading south on St. Nicholas, I turned left onto W. 120th Street, from whence I intended to make a right onto Adam Clayton Powell, which would then deposit me right into the park:

Anyway, there I was heading east on 120th.  Traffic ahead of me was moving slowly due to a double-parked vehicle (shocker!) and the cars were shifted over to the left.  As I mentioned, I was in no particular hurry, and the road shoulders were variably messy.  It's also a short block owing to the fact that St. Nicholas cuts across it diagonally, so I made no attempt to pass anybody and instead took my place in the traffic queue in anticipation of making the right.

Meanwhile, the driver behind me starts honking.  I can't see any reason he'd be honking at me, since there are cars up ahead of me and I'm certainly not holding him up in any way.  So I figure he's just one of these assholes who honks whenever traffic's not moving as quickly as he'd like, which a lot of idiots do when driving in the city.

I'm still blissed out from the familial activities earlier in the day, and I'm also still really happy to be out on my bike on a Saturday afternoon, and so I choose to ignore this minor blemish on an otherwise lovely day.

Unfortunately, as I make the right onto Adam Clayton Powell, the honking driver pulls up to me and starts berating me for not riding in the bike lane.  He's very insistent.  I have to ride in the bike lane.

So let's look at W. 120th Street between St. Nicholas and Adam Clayton Powell:

There is indeed a bike lane on the left side of it.  However:

1) I'm preparing to make a right;
2) The road shoulders are slushy;
3) Traffic is shifted over to the left due to a double-parked car, just like in the streetview, so you wouldn't know there's a bike lane anyway:

In fact the streetview scenario is pretty much the same scenario as when I was there, with the addition of the slush, and so I was positioned accordingly, directly following the vehicles ahead of me:

And once again, I'm moving at the same speed of the rest of the traffic, so you can't even say I'm holding anybody up.

Given all of this I have no obligation to be in the bike lane.  First of all, there's snow in it.  Sure, it's not an Obama 2009 amount of snow:

More like a Trump 2017 smattering:

So it's patchy and intermittent, but it's there.

And even if there had been no snow and instead puffs of pink clouds in the bike lane spelling out "Ride me!," I'm preparing for a turn at an intersection, so given all of these factors there's no reason for me to be in the bike lane according to state law:

Whenever a usable path or lane for bicycles has been provided, bicycle riders shall use such path or lane only except under any of the following situations: (i) When preparing for a turn at an intersection or into a private road or driveway. (ii) When reasonably necessary to avoid conditions (including but not limited to, fixed or moving objects, motor vehicles, bicycles, pedestrians, pushcarts, animals, surface hazards) that make it unsafe to continue within such bicycle path or lane.

The New York City Department of Transportation puts it even more succinctly:

On top of all that, you can use either side of a 40-foot wide one-way roadway, and I think Manhattan cross streets are 60 feet wide.  (Though I might be wrong there.)

In short, there's absolutely no fucking reason, legal or practical, for me to be in that goddamn bike lane.

Yet here's some asshole in a 2010 Hyundai Santa Fe with New Jersey plates (the special ones with the lighthouse on them he probably paid extra for) not only honking at me but also telling me off for not riding in it.  Furthermore, this dimwitted shitbag has the audacity to tell me that I need to learn how to ride a bike, and that he rides everywhere, all the time.  From the driver's seat of a fucking Hyundai he says this.

Holy motherfucking shit.

I actually took video of the ensuing interaction and was looking forward to posting it today, but having cooled down over the past couple of days I've decided it would do a disservice to my valuable brand to appear on the Internet looking any way other than utterly composed.  So I've shelved it.

Righteous indignity, however warranted, is never a good look.

Nevertheless, I remain stunned by this fuckwit's audacity.  I'm Wildcat Rock Machine, dammit!  I make it my business to know where I can and can't be when I'm on my bike.  And this guy's gonna drive his Hyundai shitbox into my town and start fucking with me on a Saturday afternoon?  What goes through his head as he drives?  "Here's a guy on a bike.  He isn't holding me up or anything, but he's not in a bike lane!  I, on the other hand, ride my beach cruiser on the boardwalk in Jersey sometimes.  So I think I'll rub my dick and balls all over his face."

I am of course an inveterate "woosie" who would never embroil himself in a physical altercation, but if this guy usually behaves this way I can't believe he doesn't get u-locks put through his windshield on a regular basis.

Here's a related question: this is not the first time I've told a person with New Jersey plates to "Go back to Jersey," nor is it the first time they've replied with "I don't live in Jersey."  Why is this?  Surely there must be people who actually live in Jersey.  Are they all committing insurance fraud, or are they just embarrassed?  Or is it some combination of the two?

In any case, when you use a Citi Bike you have to agree to terms of use, and I think the same thing should apply when you drive a car into Manhattan.  Oh, sure, in theory there are laws you're supposed to follow, but we all know how that goes.  So I think in order to operate a motor vehicle in Manhattan every driver should agree to the following:

TERMS OF USE FOR DRIVING IN MANHATTAN

I hereby acknowledge the following;

1) I am choosing to drive a large heavy motorized box into the most densely populated county in the United States;

2) This choice endangers people's lives;

3) This county has an extensive public transit network and is well-served by taxis, livery, ride-hailing apps, as well as a comprehensive bike share program;

4) While I may get lucky, neither deity nor US Constitution entitles me to immunity from traffic delays, nor does it guarantee me the right to store my large heavy motorized box anywhere for free;

5) Bike lanes do not cause traffic congestion.  My large heavy motorized box, however, does;

6) I understand that people actually live in Manhattan as well as the rest of New York City.  It is not a theme park or a sitcom.  Therefore, any expectation that my car is the "It's a Small World" ride or that my windshield is a TV screen across which life will unfold according to my own whims or expectations is pathologically unreasonable;

a. Should I forget the above and elect to communicate my displeasure to any other road user by means of car horn or verbal haranguing, I acknowledge that I or my personal property may be subject to physical damage;

b. In the event of such damage, I shall not hold the other party responsible, nor shall I be entitled to any claims of loss, damage, or legal liability for anything that happens to me as a result of my being a complete douchebag;

7) If I don't like any of the above, I can feel free to shove a Bruce Springsteen box set up my ass.

I think this would go a long way towards obviating a lot of potential misunderstandings.

Anyway, apart from my exchange with Captain Fucknuts in the Hyundai, the rest of the ride was lovely.

Lastly, here you go:

Transition practice not always turning out the way you want it to, a good recovery by @Tri_Orca on TDC camp! :-) pic.twitter.com/0Pj0I9fqjr

— TEAMDILLON (@Teamdillon) February 10, 2017

You're welcome.

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Lighting Out

Are you a dentist?

Do you like cycling?

Do you fantasize about getting your inseam measured so that someone you've never met can build you the bike of your dreams?

If you answered "Oui!" to all three of these questions, then come to Cyclesport bike shop in Park Ridge, NJ this Saturday, October 23rd! As America's first Serotta dealer, they'll fit you for a "DDS chariot" that will have Charles Manantan of PezCycling News sobbing with envy all over his color-coordinated "hüds." Then, if you're still there at 4:30pm, stick around to see me in my BRA:

If you're wondering what will happen at this BRA, it will involve my giving some sort of PowerPoint presentation. Also, if enough people bring their Serottas, I may hold an impromptu Serotta pageant and award prizes to the winners. If you don't actually own a Serotta, feel free to buy one from Cyclesport during my presentation if you think it has the potential to be awarded "Miss New Jersey." Just make sure the "hüds" match the tapes (to paraphrase the oft-repeated pubic aphorism).

Meanwhile, yesterday I mentioned the controversial protected bike lane on Prospect Park West in Park Slope, Brooklyn, and this morning its supporters and its detractors rallied to either support or detract the bike lane, depending on how stupid they were. Sadly, I was unable to attend the rally. This is because, even though I'm only mildly stupid and support the bike lane, I also didn't want to go. However, I did go there "virtually," thanks to social networking network "the Twitter" and the awesome power of "hashish tags," and it sounds like the Forces of Smugness did outnumber the Forces of Obstinate Dim-wittitude and Non-Swiveling Heads by a decent margin:

Also, one member of the "Twitteroni" posted this picture of a bike lane detractor holding a teddy bear and a hastily-"curated" sign:

As you can see, since the bike lane opponents are both unable and unwilling to turn their heads before crossing the bike lane, she is wearing a restrictive turtleneck sweater to keep her nonplussed visage pointed straight ahead. The sign suggests that the bike lane is somehow "dangerous" to "seniors and grandchildren," who are evidently immune to the speeding cars that were there before, and the teddy bear symbolizes the erstwhile innocence of the neighborhood that the bike lane has raped and desecrated with its menacing, green-hued presence. Interestingly, while smugness is usually the weapon of the bike lane supporter, in this instance it is being harnessed by a detractor to stunning effect. This is because she is one of those smug grandparents who is really into being a grandparent, and also really into her grandkids, but who thinks her children are idiots. Consequently, if you're neither a grandparent nor a grandchild, you can go play in deadly bicycle traffic for all she cares.

Speaking of bicycle traffic, I'll certainly acknowledge that, as a grandchild myself, I wouldn't want to be hit by the Flotilla of Smugness that is a Surly Big Dummy:

As you may know, Surly lent me a Big Dummy awhile back, and I continue to find it tremendously useful--so much so that if they want it back they're going to have to send Harry Dean Stanton and/or Emilio Estevez him- or themselves to repossess it, and even then I'd probably just kick one or both of them in the "pants yabbies" and ride away. The above photo shows how it looked yesterday laden with various parcels, including a box from Just Coffee, which contains my eponymous caffeinated beverage, which some lucky "Cockie" contestants will eventually enjoy.

In any case, as I plied the streets of both Manhattan and Brooklyn at the helm of the Big Dummy yesterday, I marveled at the fact that most of my route was amply bike-laned, despite the best efforts of certain teddy bear-clutching protestors with fixed-gear necks. Between the hauling capacity of the Big Dummy and the bicycle-acommodating capacity of the freshly bike-laned streets my errand-running was surprisingly pleasant, and the only thing I longed for was an appropriately captain-y "helmet hat:"

Though I'm sure somewhere one is in the works.

Indeed, New York was so "bikey" yesterday that as I approached the Williamsburg Bridge from Manattan in order to ford the "Big Skanky" back to Brooklyn I was delighted to find the Department of Transportation handing out free bike lights:

The DOT has been working to promote light use among cyclists recently, which is a great idea since the typical Nü-Fred's bicycle is equipped with at least five separate accessories designed to open beer bottles but doesn't have a single light. Granted, I'm not sure the DOT's Verizon-esque ads are exactly CLIO material:

But at least they get the point across. I also think the message is clearer than the "That's Why It's 30" ads for motorists they've been showing on TV recently:



To me, the message is that you need to be careful if you drive at 40mph, but if you keep it at 30mph you can run people down with impunity since they're virtually guaranteed to survive. Just keep that cruise control dialed in to 30, since if you hit somebody there's really no need to stop--especially if the pedestrian is a senior or a grandchild, who (thanks to teddy bear lady) we now know are immune to motor vehicle impact. They just jump up and shake it off.

Still, I do think the DOT should have gone with my light awareness ad:

Though I guess they're not ready to start thinking "outside the box."

Anyway, this sign was a bit more to the point:

And it was drawing a crowd eager to increase their smugness quotient via the judicious application of municipally-distributed blinky-lights:

Hopefully the lights get more "action" than those NYC Condoms, which I'm sure have been mouldering unused in the wallet of many a lonely bike dork for years.

Naturally, I too queued up for a handout, but alas I was denied, since I already had blinky-lights affixed to my Big Dummy and I was clearly trying to take advantage of "the system." Dejected, I continued onto the bridge and returned to Brooklyn:

Where, under cover of night, I switched off my blinky-lights, covered the Big Dummy with camoflage and palm fronds, wrapped roughly 75 pounds of chain around it, and retired it to its secret parking location for the night:

As I did this, I reflected on what had been a successful and pleasant outing in New York City's nascent bicycle infrastructure, and indeed it was only marred by the corn-fed Nü-Fred on a Pista I watched blow a light and almost hit a child on his way home from school. I see that sort of thing all too often, and it's a shame that so many of the city's recent arrivals (to cycling and to New York itself), emboldened by too many "fixie" videos, think that kids are traffic cones in their hill-bombing fantasies. It's also a shame that, to the non-cyclist, what that Nü-Fred did is more visible than a thousand blinky-lights. So enjoy those bike lanes now, because you'll miss them when they're gone.

Speaking of lights, while I do think everybody should use them, I will acknowledge that there's one exception, which is that you don't need a light when you have The Light, as in this "Cockie" submission from Seattle:

Yes, that is indeed Biblical verse, and clearly this particular rider does not adhere to earthly directions but instead follows the Cue Sheet of the Soul.

Also, from the same sender comes this Reverse-Mounted Filth Prophylactic:

Presumably the rider extends it rearward when it's wet, but in dry conditions or when parking instead prefers to use it as a diving board for the "pants yabbies."

Meanwhile, from Portland comes this submission:

At first I was underwhelmed, but then I noticed the quill stem-mounted bottle cage as well as the secondary bottle nestled in the aero extensions. I also noticed a brake, but was unable to trace its cable to any sort of lever, and the mystery of its location is delightfully titillating.

But when it comes to "portaging" beverages, nothing beats a shopping cart cockpit, like this one from South Carolina:

Or, for sheer minimalism, you've got to admire this one:

Caught this one in Philly. The owner told me it had been 'evolving'.
The 'stem' isn't twisted, the bars are supposed to be aligned with the
wheel that way. And yeah, the brake works.

In this case, the brake was the least of my concerns.

The Visually Impaired Leading the Visually Impaired

It's becoming increasingly clear to me that the worst thing ever to happen to cycling is the Internet.  Strava, this blog, Strava...it seems like every day some new and insidious form of digital douchery comes tearing down the Information Superhighway in order to sideswipe us.  Consider this video:

In which some guy on a folding bike endeavors to tell us all how to ride a bike in New York City:

Lessons For the Novice New Yorker: Biking from Ethan H. Minsker on Vimeo.

The film opens with someone who failed out of Tuvan throat singing school drumming on his thigh and intoning the word "biking:"

Then we see our instructor and protagonist wearing a bright blue Beacon of Insecurity:

You can wear whatever you want on your head, but I refuse to take urban cycling advice from someone who's wearing a helment.  Come on, all he's doing is riding a folding bike around Manhattan!  I want my New York City cycling instructor to have a bit more savoir faire than that.  This is like taking gardening tips from someone who's wearing a full beekeeping suit just to prune his begonias.

Then he explains the bike path "hierarchy," which is not a hierarchy at all and really just a list of people who annoy him:

There is a hierarchy on the bike path.  Those who own fixed gear bikes think they are oh so cool.

It's very hard to imagine that in 2015 anybody who's riding a fixed-gear bike in New York City still thinks they're cool unless they moved here less than three months ago.  Also, what about people who play string instruments?

Smug bastards.

Next he complains about the delivery cyclists:

Delivery food bikers can't drive, are reckless, many times drive motorized bikes that you can't even hear coming up behind you...

Which he illustrates by showing various delivery cyclists doing absolutely nothing wrong except carrying delicious food:

Hey, I'll admit delivery cyclists can be annoying, but I find food vendors who walk their carts in the bike lane to be far more irritating:

Though like the delivery cyclists it's hard to imagine an alternative, and in both cases I'm not sure you can have gastronomic convenience without at least some degree of annoyance.  In fact, in many ways I'd argue it's the complex interplay of convenience and annoyance that defines New York.  Want cuisine from every corner of the globe delivered to your home or office within minutes?  Someone's gonna ride a bike on the sidewalk.  Want tasty halal food every three feet?  Someone's gonna drag a goddamn cart down the street.

I hate to say it, but I'm beginning to think the concept of protected bike lanes may not be viable, at least in Manhattan below Central Park. Maybe they should just scrap the whole "bike lane" concept and designate them as "high-occupancy pedestrian lanes" instead.  Then we can just surrender them to people pushing hand trucks and food carts and wheelie suitcases.  I mean, that's what's happening anyway, so why keep letting us down by painting pictures of bicycles on them?

But as far as the different types of cyclists, our instructor has the harshest words for people who ride Citi Bikes:

Citi Bikes are the bane of the biking society.

No.  People who call cycling "biking" are the bane of the biking society.  Also, the guy above is definitely a seasoned city cyclist regardless of what he's riding.  Check out the plastic on his hands!  Either he's keeping his hands warm, or he's a germaphobe who doesn't want to catch Ebola from the bike share, or both--and whichever it is that's a highly resourceful solution.

So what's wrong with those Citi Bikers anyway?

They are slow, novice, and many times tourist.

He should have sung that to the tune of "Three Times a Lady."

Furthermore:

They follow no rules, they bike in pairs, blocking both lanes, many of the times the bikes don't even work well...

I'm fairly certain it's legal to ride two abreast (or "in pairs") in New York City, and why is it the riders' fault that the bikes don't work well?  Also, as he says this the film shows the Citi Bike rider above, who expertly passes the shuttle bus on its right as it drifts into the bike lane to make a left-hand turn.  That is a pro city cycling move, and it only comes from years of experience.  The "slow, novice, and many times tourist" would have stayed in the bike lane and fallen victim to a "left hook."

Granted as a Citi Biker myself I may be a bit sensitive here, but if you're going to make fun of them at least find one being a complete doofus.

It's not that hard.

As for the instructor himself:

I have a folding bike.  That makes me a "nerd biker."

Actually, that's not true.  Everybody who rides a bike is a nerd.  Technically speaking, if you ride a folding bike you're a circus bear:

Get it right.

Then he moves on to the pedestrians:

If you are a pedestrian, stay out of the bike lane.

That's not a bike lane.

You step into the bike lane, you are risking your own life.

True, but the instructor is starting to sound like one of those victim-blaming drivers.

Then, this:

Do not stand at the crosswalk in the bike lane.

Note that the pedestrian has the light:

Yet our instructor rides right into him:

I was wondering why the guy he hit didn't immediately punch him in the face, but then I re-watched the whole "pedestrians suck" sequence and realized the people in it were plants.  Moreover, they were the same plants.  First we see them here:

Then here:

And finally here:

So he basically scripted a scene which completely undermines his entire point.

Now that's good filmmaking.

Then again, according to our instructor, pedestrians should understand that red lights are "only a suggestion:

Red lights are only a suggestion to stop.  When biking in New York, you will go through as many red lights as you can as long as there is no police officer in sight.

I almost might have bought this if he hadn't just RUN A RED LIGHT AND CRASHED INTO A PEDESTRIAN.

And finally:

Wearing a helmet is highly suggested.

See that?  He's wearing a helment, so he thinks that makes everything he does okay.

And that's my problem with helments.

Still, as problematic as this video is, it wasn't nearly as disturbing as this video of him in the tub:

I hope he's wearing his helment.

Lastly, speaking of cycling in New York City, here's a puzzling exchange:

We Chatted About Your Bike On The Train - w4m - 25 (Q Train Manhattan to Brooklyn)

Never done this before but why not give it a try? Your name was Micah and we chatted on the train from 57th street back to Queens. I was impressed with your ability to stick it out with your bike in the snow. You have lovely blue eyes and I wish I could get a chance to tell you that in person. If by chance you see this, please reply and mention the two diners we talked about. Thanks for reading this and to the romantics out there, keep your fingers crossed for me. -Katie

If he's riding the subway then he's really not sticking it out with his bike in the snow, now is he?

If she's looking for that then she should date one of those food delivery guys.

It's hard to watch those guys tough it out in a snowstorm and then get mad at them for riding on the sidewalk.