(I told everyone I know, but I mumbled the "in bike repair" part.)
This is even more impressive when you consider the book's not even really about bike repair.
Anyway, if you still haven't pre-ordered or you missed yesterday's post and didn't realize I had a new book coming then here's everything you need to know.
Moving on, are you into light metal?
No, I'm not talking about the musical styling of bands like Stryper:
(Their look could give you a seizure, but their music just put you to sleep.)
Pretty sure Manaia opened for Queensrÿche on the "Grätüitöüs Umläüts" tour in 1988:
Anyway, the Manaia is "redesigned:"
By which I assume they mean they put cheesy tribal tattoo graphics at crucial stress points:
(That's called a "douche gusset")
It's also a dream...
Made for...
Gigantic Freds:
With visors:
Best of all, it's even strain gauge tested:
Which means they hooked the rider up to a Scranulator 2000 and measured the g-force on his perineum:
So there you go.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's great, and if you're wrong you'll hear an angry Australian*. *(Warning: contains a naughty word beginning with "F" so don't get the wrong answer at work.)
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and avoid any bicycle that hasn't been strain gauge tested.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
("It's like a rocket ship!")
1) In addition to Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, and Trump Shuttle, there was also a short-lived company called Trump Bikes.
Not only does this book contain thousands upon thousands of exquisite hand-curated words painstakingly chosen by me, the undisputed world's greatest bike blogger in the world, but it is also illustrated by a professional. This means it looks great, unlike my stupid blog:
The ULTIMATE BICYCLE OWNER'S MANUAL will approach cycling as a cultural phenomenon and a way of life, not just a sport or a hobby. This will be the book you wish came with every bike sold. Equal parts reverence and entertainment, it will make sense of cycling as it exists today--a bewildering assortment of young people, older people, men, women, children, roadies, mountain bikers, racers, tourists, commuters, hipsters, activists and apathetic hedonists, and so on, all with their own unique set of tastes and circumstances, but all united by their undying love of the bike.
All humility aside, I'm pleased to report I totally pulled it off. Racing, commuting, bike shops, #whatpressureyourunning, cycling with children, how the auto industry stole the roads from us...you'll find all of it and more in here, and you'll have fun reading it too. And while I'm not going to put you to sleep with step-by-step instructions on how to overhaul your hub, I will explain why helmet laws are stupid. (You'll also want to give this book to that friend, neighbor, or co-worker who's always asking, "Hey, you bike a lot, what kind of bike should I get?")
Just don't try to read it while you're riding, or you'll almost certainly crash.
While the book will not be in stores until May 3rd, rather than wait until then you can pre-order it now from your favorite retailers, and I hope that you will:
Also, we're planning some fun events around publication time (I'd also like to put together another Gran Fondon't around then), but in the meantime for any publicity-related requests or inquiries please contact Kara Thornton at Hachette Books | Black Dog & Leventhal using the following email address:
kara.thornton [at] hbgusa [dot] com
I think that about covers it for now. Thank you very much for your readership over the years, and please excuse my occasional self-promotional shouts of "Holdja Line!" in the coming weeks as I sprint towards the publication of my fourth (!) book.
Morning in New York City. The wind carried the faint scent of impending spring along with its usual halitosis. I gazed across the rivulet of diarrhea that separates Manhattan island from the mainland, its untreated fecal matter being vigorously churned by collegiate Water Freds:
See? Water Freds:
Crossing the lift bridge and alighting upon Manhattan I followed a bus festooned with Vision Zero propaganda:
Then I broke down the Brompton and defected to the Alpha train:
I passed the rest of the day as though in a dream:
It's depressing to consider that if they were making "Pee-wee's Big Adventure" today the studio probably wouldn't release it unless he was wearing a helmet:
Helmetless cycling is right up there with smoking when it comes to stuff you're not supposed to show people doing anymore.
Incidentally, by far the most common bike-related dream I have is that the bike race is about to start and I'm rushing to put on my bib shorts but I can't because I'm caught in the Lycra like it's a spider web or some sort of super-sticky goo:
(Okaaay...)
If you've ever tried to put on your cycling attire while you're still wet from a shower then you are familiar with this frustrating sensation. In fact I'm surprised nobody's ever held a contest to see who can get "kitted up" while wet the fastest. They could do it right after the trackstanding event and right before the Brompton fold-off.
Anyway, in the evening I more or less reversed my commute. It was the usual fair-weather shitshow. You know, drivers blocking the protected bike lane even though there's parking available five feet over:
And food delivery professionals salmoning at high speed:
("Whoosh!")
And idiots just hanging out in the bike lane with the car door open while they mash their stubby fingers against their fucking smartphones:
I like to imagine that, thanks to smartphones, the morons of the world are interconnected by a worldwide spoodge glob of stupidity just like the one ensnaring He-Man up there.
Speaking of food delivery professionals, while I'm mostly against salmoning (I did invent the term, after all), I tend to cut the food delivery people some slack. The truth is these people work hard, and there is a way to salmon without being obtrusive about it. So as long as they're not getting in anybody else's way I'm fine with it.
However, yesterday evening, one particular food delivery person took his salmoning too far. In fact he was coming right at me in the bike lane. For a moment I considered swerving out of his path. After all, I was on the diminutive Brompton, and he was on some sort of pizza delivery tank complete with a front rack aimed right at my clown bike's steering stalk:
But then I decided "No! I will stand my ground! No salmon shall oust me from the bike lane that is rightfully mine!"
And so I looked right at him unwaveringly, and even my ridiculous bicycle could not undermine the magnitude of my determination. At the very last moment the salmon swerved, and as I turned to watch him I noted with glee that he was forced to plant both feet on the street in order to regain his balance.
That's right, I'd very nearly felled him through sheer force of will.
I'm proud to report that between my fury and my lack of a helmet yesterday's ride would have cost me nearly one thousand of your Australian dollars, or "koala foreskins" as they're colloquially known.
By the way, it appears you can also incur a $106 fine for riding a bicycle "in incorrect position." To this end, police in New South Wales have been trained in the latest bike-fitting technique, and if your position is not set up for maximum efficiency and power transfer then you will be charged accordingly.
Meanwhile, yesterday a commenter mentioned Vancouver's planned bike share program, and here's the burning question:
Yes.
Yes it will.
Nevertheless, instead of doing something sensible like getting rid of the stupid law, they've come up with some ridiculous disposable liner system that works like those ass gaskets you find in public restrooms:
As another major feature of the smart bikes, each bike will be equipped with a basket that holds a helmet, replacing the previous plan to store reusable helmets inside vending machines at each bike share The company’s smart technology and helmet-in-basket design significantly reduces capital and operational costs given the system’s ability to allow for smaller bike stations and the elimination of any need for costly helmet vending machines and return receptacles, as previously proposed by Motivate. Instead, each bike will be equipped with a basket that holds a helmet that will contain liners for people who will want to use it for hygiene purposes. The helmets, purposely designed by Bell Helmets for Vancouver’s bike share system, will be free for bike share users and maintenance crews will service the helmets on a daily basis.
Pathetic. These idiotic helmet workarounds just go to show how these laws serve no real purpose and are basically religious/superstitious in nature, no different from a ritualistic diet or refraining from performing arbitrary tasks on the the Sabbath--though I suppose "helmet service technician" does look good on your resume.
(By the way, when I was in Vancouver I didn't even realize they had a helmet law, and I did manage to ride for over seven minutes without being tackled by an officer of the law.)
Today is March 1st (or yesterday was March 1st if you're reading this in Australia), which means those insane New South Wales no-helmet fines kicked in, and it gives me great pride to announce that one of the very first victims was a fellow American:
DESPITE the threat of the massive new fines for running red lights, not wearing helmets and riding dangerously, The Daily Telegraph witnessed cyclists continuing to flout the road rules today. Ben Ackerley, who recently moved to Sydney from the United States, became possibly the first rider to be booked under the new fine regime.
And here he is, making the universal gesture for "How fucking stupid is this country?"
A police Highway Patrol officer on a motorcycle pulled Mr Ackerley over and hit him with the new $319 fine – up from just $71.
Even worse, on top of all that he was fined an additional $200 for the bow tie.
So what kind of reckless cycling was this insouciantly cravatted miscreant engaged in when the police saved society from him by apprehending him? “I’d just picked the bike up from the bike shop after getting it fixed,” he said.
“It got wrecked in an accident with a taxi on Market St about three weeks ago. I knew about the no helmet laws but I was just riding about a mile and a half home.
Okay. Here's a guy who's recently moved to the other side of the planet, which can't have been easy in itself. He's also got a tough job where they make him wear a goddamn bow tie for chrissakes. Then some asshole hits him with a taxicab. And after all that he's finally bringing his bike home from the shop when Officer Yahoo You-Can't-Be-Serious slaps a $319 fine on him.
What a stupid, stupid law. No truly great city makes you wear a plastic hat in order to ride a bike, only the second-rate ones like Seattle and Vancouver. Helmeted society cannot flourish. Way to consign yourself to mediocrity. And what the hell is their obsession with helmets anyway? Is it because their most famous landmark kinda looks like one?
Yes, it really does look like a racing helmet that's broken in a crash, which makes Australia the massive tridork who's shouting "IT SAVED MY LIFE AND NOW YOU HAVE TO WEAR ONE TOO!!!" ever since.
Anyway, not only is our "patient zero" an American, but he's also a former New Yorker:
“I’ve just come from living in New York City. The cops there have got better things to do than worry about this sort of stuff.”
That is emphatically untrue. The NYPD loves to ticket cyclists--and also to harass, insult, and threaten them for good measure. If anything he shouldn't feel too bad about paying the fine, because if he lived in New York City without ever getting a bullshit cycling ticket then he's still way ahead of the game.
Meanwhile, other cyclists continued to terrorize the streets of New South Wales and terrify honest, law-abiding citizens with their slightly annoying though essentially benign behavior:
While the vast majority of cyclists kept to the left lane, some riders weaved among the traffic, coming less than a metre from vehicles moving slowly through the rush hour traffic. At the intersections with Flinders, Crown and Riley streets, a number of cyclists pushed to the front of the traffic queues stopped at red lights, leading to some distance issues between cars and bikes when the lights turned green.
It's called "shoaling."
Stupid journalists.
As annoying as shoaling is, it's nowhere near as bothersome as seeing someone using 30 words to explain the concept when there's a perfectly good term for it thanks to the world's greatest bike blogger.
There’s usually not much room for bicycles on London’s packed trains but one cyclist found a very unorthodox way of storing his pedal-powered vehicle. He raised a few eyebrows after using several seats on the London-bound train to store his muddy bike.
And here he is, the front rotor of his bicycle gouging the upholstery, and the collar of his fleece pullover turned up in a rebuke to his fellow passengers:
As for those passengers, while "enraged" might be too strong a word, they were emphatically "tickled" by his loutish behavior: She said that most were “tickled by his utter lack of courtesy” but added that nobody on board the train told him to move the bike, despite other passengers having to stand in the carriage.
I suspect there may even have been a passive-aggressive "harrumph" or two, but if so nobody's talking.
I'm assuming he's either the inventor or else Janosz Poha from "Ghostbusters II:"
Here's how it works: a button under the handlebar pulls the two hinge points to disconnect the bike into two parts, enabling it to resize for carrying in tight spaces. a 200 watt electric motor together with a battery pack can help push the user at least an additional 15 kilometers. using bluetooth connectivity, the foldable bike communicates vitals such as speed, battery status and navigation via an app to a smartphone.
Plus, you can use it as an accordion:
Or, if he'd prefer a full-size folding bike, he could always invest in the FUBi:
We first met the FUBi back in 2013. Sadly it didn't get funded, but this more boring new video should change all that--especially this scene in which the rider rubs his crotch all over the top tube:
Yes, they're clearly focussing on the fixie market this time around, and the FUBi has the exhilarating stance and elegant silhouette of a folding beach chair:
It can also contort itself around poles like an exotic dancer working toward that college degree:
And you can even stick it in the trunk of your mother's Volvo, which is yet another trait it shares in common with an exotic dancer:
Best of all, it's always ready to throw down at the velodrome:
While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!
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