Tuesday, March 1, 2016

"You call that a fine? THIS is a fine!"

Today is March 1st (or yesterday was March 1st if you're reading this in Australia), which means those insane New South Wales no-helmet fines kicked in, and it gives me great pride to announce that one of the very first victims was a fellow American:


DESPITE the threat of the massive new fines for running red lights, not wearing helmets and riding dangerously, The Daily Telegraph witnessed cyclists continuing to flout the road rules today.

Ben Ackerley, who recently moved to Sydney from the United States, became possibly the first rider to be booked under the new fine regime.

And here he is, making the universal gesture for "How fucking stupid is this country?"


A police Highway Patrol officer on a motorcycle pulled Mr Ackerley over and hit him with the new $319 fine – up from just $71.

Even worse, on top of all that he was fined an additional $200 for the bow tie.

So what kind of reckless cycling was this insouciantly cravatted miscreant engaged in when the police saved society from him by apprehending him?

“I’d just picked the bike up from the bike shop after getting it fixed,” he said.

“It got wrecked in an accident with a taxi on Market St about three weeks ago. I knew about the no helmet laws but I was just riding about a mile and a half home.

Okay.  Here's a guy who's recently moved to the other side of the planet, which can't have been easy in itself.  He's also got a tough job where they make him wear a goddamn bow tie for chrissakes.  Then some asshole hits him with a taxicab.  And after all that he's finally bringing his bike home from the shop when Officer Yahoo You-Can't-Be-Serious slaps a $319 fine on him.

What a stupid, stupid law.  No truly great city makes you wear a plastic hat in order to ride a bike, only the second-rate ones like Seattle and Vancouver.  Helmeted society cannot flourish.  Way to consign yourself to mediocrity.  And what the hell is their obsession with helmets anyway?  Is it because their most famous landmark kinda looks like one?


Yes, it really does look like a racing helmet that's broken in a crash, which makes Australia the massive tridork who's shouting "IT SAVED MY LIFE AND NOW YOU HAVE TO WEAR ONE TOO!!!" ever since.

Anyway, not only is our "patient zero" an American, but he's also a former New Yorker:

“I’ve just come from living in New York City. The cops there have got better things to do than worry about this sort of stuff.”

That is emphatically untrue.  The NYPD loves to ticket cyclists--and also to harass, insult, and threaten them for good measure.  If anything he shouldn't feel too bad about paying the fine, because if he lived in New York City without ever getting a bullshit cycling ticket then he's still way ahead of the game.

Meanwhile, other cyclists continued to terrorize the streets of New South Wales and terrify honest, law-abiding citizens with their slightly annoying though essentially benign behavior:

While the vast majority of cyclists kept to the left lane, some riders weaved among the traffic, coming less than a metre from vehicles moving slowly through the rush hour traffic.

At the intersections with Flinders, Crown and Riley streets, a number of cyclists pushed to the front of the traffic queues stopped at red lights, leading to some distance issues between cars and bikes when the lights turned green.

It's called "shoaling."

Stupid journalists.

As annoying as shoaling is, it's nowhere near as bothersome as seeing someone using 30 words to explain the concept when there's a perfectly good term for it thanks to the world's greatest bike blogger.

Speaking of annoying behavior, London commuters were recently terrorized by a filthy Mountain Fred:


There’s usually not much room for bicycles on London’s packed trains but one cyclist found a very unorthodox way of storing his pedal-powered vehicle.

He raised a few eyebrows after using several seats on the London-bound train to store his muddy bike.

And here he is, the front rotor of his bicycle gouging the upholstery, and the collar of his fleece pullover turned up in a rebuke to his fellow passengers:



As for those passengers, while "enraged" might be too strong a word, they were emphatically "tickled" by his loutish behavior:

She said that most were “tickled by his utter lack of courtesy” but added that nobody on board the train told him to move the bike, despite other passengers having to stand in the carriage.

I suspect there may even have been a passive-aggressive "harrumph" or two, but if so nobody's talking.

Of course the truly passive-aggressive move would have been to politely ask the Mountain Fred if he's ever considered a folding bike, like this one made of crabon and being held by a man in a turtleneck:


I'm assuming he's either the inventor or else Janosz Poha from "Ghostbusters II:"


Here's how it works:

a button under the handlebar pulls the two hinge points to disconnect the bike into two parts, enabling it to resize for carrying in tight spaces. a 200 watt electric motor together with a battery pack can help push the user at least an additional 15 kilometers. using bluetooth connectivity, the foldable bike communicates vitals such as speed, battery status and navigation via an app to a smartphone.

Plus, you can use it as an accordion:


Or, if he'd prefer a full-size folding bike, he could always invest in the FUBi:



We first met the FUBi back in 2013.  Sadly it didn't get funded, but this more boring new video should change all that--especially this scene in which the rider rubs his crotch all over the top tube:


Yes, they're clearly focussing on the fixie market this time around, and the FUBi has the exhilarating stance and elegant silhouette of a folding beach chair:


It can also contort itself around poles like an exotic dancer working toward that college degree:


And you can even stick it in the trunk of your mother's Volvo, which is yet another trait it shares in common with an exotic dancer:


Best of all, it's always ready to throw down at the velodrome:


Or whatever that place is.

Lastly, here's Lucas Brunelle riding on a thawing river:
A video posted by Lucas Brunelle (@lucasbrunelle) on
Now that's just crazy.

Wonder what pressure he's running.

88 comments:

Anonymous said...

podiating yo.

bad boy of the north said...

wow....first...and no ted.

bad boy of the north said...

okay....second

Jasper said...

Early doors

Ted K. said...

122. Even if medical progress could be maintained without the rest of the technological system, it would by itself bring certain evils. Suppose for example that a cure for diabetes is discovered. People with a genetic tendency to diabetes will then be able to survive and reproduce as well as anyone else. Natural selection against genes for diabetes will cease and such genes will spread throughout the population. (This may be occurring to some extent already, since diabetes, while not curable, can be controlled through use of insulin.) The same thing will happen with many other diseases susceptibility to which is affected by genetic degradation of the population. The only solution will be some sort of eugenics program or extensive genetic engineering of human beings, so that man in the future will no longer be a creation of nature, or of chance, or of God (depending on your religious or philosophical opinions), but a manufactured product.

Bryan Bracy said...

Top ten!

Schitty Pete said...

.

McFly said...

Dating a pole dancer is like riding on a river of ice. You might not break through but if you do you're going to get wet.

Simon. said...

The Sydney police also have better things to do, like break up community sing-a-longs.
http://www.vice.com/en_au/read/cops-raided-the-bondi-hotel-because-backpackers-kept-singing-hey-baby?utm_source=vicefbanz

N/A said...

MUST WEAR HELMENT TO READ THIS BLOG.

rapharules said...

MAKE NEW SOUTH WALES GREAT AGAIN

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Almost podiation. Scranus!

janinedm said...

Lucas Brunelle is the only person in their 40s who can make me think, "where are his parents?" They need to secure one of those Britney Spears custodial situations.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Can the New Yorker who was fined in Australia for not wearing a helment leave the country and avoid paying the fine? Kind of like Johnny Depp's teacup terriers Boo and Pistol escaped being put down by leaving.

Being a New Yorker, he can at least tell himself the AUS$319 is only $228 in real money at today's exchange rate!

balls™ said...

It's early as balls in here.

DB said...

janinedm for early COD.

grog said...

CODA FINE

Freddy Murcks said...

Does it make me a bad person for wishing that Brunelle had fallen through the ice and disappeared?

Eric the Infrequent said...

Brunelle would just use his razor sharp saddle to cut himself free from the ice.

It would have been a better video if the river took his bike.

Roille Figners said...

Here I am, riding on thin ice on purpose, but not liking it because it involves too much reliance on luck, but anyway somebody happened to film it...

Anonymous said...

That New Yorker is lucky the NSW motorcycle cop didn't run him over or crash tackle him to the ground, that is what they normally do to bare-headed cyclists - for the cyclist's own safety of course.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

If Lucas Brunelle rode his bike on thin ice, fell through, and disappeared forever, but no one filmed it, would it make a noise?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Helment Schmelment.

P. Bateman said...

it really is a shame that everyone has a camera and that one can now become a "star" by doing dumb things like riding on thin ice and a prayer.

god i wish they'd outlaw camera phones, gopros etc...

except for Snob's. he's like the Anel Adams of bikey photography.

i wish you'd do a series in black and white snob.

dancesonpedals said...

While the vast majority of cyclists kept to the left lane, some riders weaved among the traffic, coming less than a metre from vehicles moving slowly through the rush hour traffic.

Never saw that coming. The one meter rule gets used against cyclists. I guess if one sideview mirror is saved, it will not be in vain.

Anonymous said...

RAPHA!

dancesonpedals said...

Yo, Bateman: He'll need a special mount to carry this baby on a Brompton

dancesonpedals said...

This Baby

JuanOffhue said...

Happy St. David’s Day! If you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a leek.

P. Bateman said...

@dance -

Snob so old he be using one of these

http://www.polaroidland.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Screen-shot-2012-02-03-at-12.35.21-PM.png


JB said...

Dumb helment anecdote: my son riding a Green Machine (very low-set, recumbent Big Wheel type thing - butt 6" off the ground) wearing his helment (as he's been told), that is pulling a wagon, with a little girl in the wagon wearing no helment.

The girl was sitting twice as far off the ground as my son and in a contraption much more likley to tip over. But, helments are required for wagons.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Lucas is under the BU bridge - a perfectly fine bike path is two feel to his left...



...fuck him

Fluellen said...

The Welshmen did good service in the gardens where the leeks did grow.

grog said...

Hey, the link to "world's greatest bike blogger" doesn't work. It just brings me back here. Hmm. Where's a helper monkey when you need him?

Very Slim Pickins said...

Has Babble gone Down Under?

EricBikeCO said...

At least the cop didn't kill him...but he is white...or do they do that in Australia?

Dooth said...

Brunelle is the Yoko Ono of cycling! Riding on thin ice.

Anonymous said...

There is no helment you can wear to truly protect you against being hit with a ridiculous fine.

Eric the Infrequent said...

C: sir, you were within a meter of that automobile.
Me: I know, that bastard totally buzzed me!
C: You know the law requires a meter separation between car and bicycle. Why didn't you give him space?
Me: I was 10 cm off the kerb, should I have ridden into the hedgerow?
C: Distances must be maintained sir. Safety y'know. Hedgerows are helmet approved.

Jughead said...

Look, when you can ride on the Charles, you ride on the Charles.

It's like when they close Memorial Drive on Sundays in the summer.
It may be sucky to ride among the crowds of clueless cyclists and peds, but you do it because it is a rare opportunity.

The temps were down to minus seven degrees around then.
The brown (sounding crusty) slush is flow over the top of existing ice.
Yeah, the water of the Charles is fairly tannic.

You can see black ice dip with your weight when it starts getting thin.

Anyway, the water is about two feet deep there, he's about a quarter mile from a hospital and about 100 yards from warm BU buildings.

Yes, that bike path is sometimes perfectly good, but often not so in winter and VERY often not so during summer evening commutes. I take Comm. Ave or even Memorial Drive to avoid the pedtards and cyclotards on the Dr. Paul Dudley White Bike Path when it is crowded.


Not a bright idea, but not as INSANE as people seem to think.

Eric the Infrequent said...

Or an Escalade.

Anonymous said...

I can take Australia off my list of places I want to visit.

Some guy from upstate said...

Good programming practice recommends that you put a loop counter and exit statement to prevent an infinite number of attempts to find out who the worlds greatest bike blogger is. Maybe you did and I just quit before I hit the limit.

Regular guy said...

Though I have only worn a tie maybe three times in the last ten years, and never while riding a bike, I might have to get a bow tie, just in case. Would hate to have a tie flapping around over my shoulder in the breeze.

janinedm said...

Jughead, by that logic my proximity to Columbia Presbyterian means I can start swallowing my toothpaste and eating rare pork chops. I mean, it won't kill me if I don't do it all the time.

Roille Figners said...

Hey if you're doing a totally optional thing willingly, don't complain how it's risky.

Or if you don't like totally optional, risky things, don't willingly do them.

If it's an opportunity, like closing Memorial Drive, again you don't complain how it's risky.

If the water is only 2 feet deep, then it's not actually that risky and and you're not relying much on luck.


Basically trying to humblebrag. He's doing something not-risky for attention, and then to enhance the attention, he is "complaining" how uncomfortable it made him (he made himself), as a way of telling us how risky it is, which it isn't.


One thing we have in common, he's relying on luck more than he likes to, and I'm receiving additional reports of his continued existence more than I like to.

P. Bateman said...

hey, did everyone get out the vote for Trump today?

i'm taking the Brunelle approach to politics - ride on a razor edge - on thin ice - in heavy traffic - its risky - but its such a rush.

Peggy Henning said...

Expert advice
information
and experiences

...for riding a bicycle on ice.

On thing to remember, if you break through ice in water that is over your head, it is next to impossible to pull your self out by your self.. And your survival time in 32 degree water is measured in minutes not hours.

dancesonpedals said...

Only 2 feet Deep?

Houdini couldn't unclip in that shit.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

The TrumpaLumpas!!



vsk

mike said...

Or you could put your pole or trunk in you mum,s Volvo.FIRST SHITHEAD!

Regular guy said...

P. Bateman, Anel Adams? Does he do colonoscopy?

Anonymous said...

Relax, Lucas B was wearing a life jacket.

P. Bateman said...

@Regularguy - he sure will... for $20 bucks and a hit off that pipe.

Very Slim Pickins said...

Janine @132 "eating rare pork chops" A real roll of the dice. Encephalitis might just leave you still in a wooden box or it could make you sick as a dog, sicker even than Leroy's dog has ever been.

Fuck Brunelle said...

Fuck Brunelle, he was riding right next to shore and if he fell in and swum a few "death-defying feet in the ice cold river", it would just be more of his usual look-at-me-look-at-me, what-a-fucking-stud-I-am........

Anonymous said...

If I was faced with riding Sydney today, I'd put my helmet on. Then I'd stick my helmeted head inside a giant helmet-less pinata.

(Robot challenge: select all images with pick-up trucks.)

bad boy of the north said...

i'll ride in Sidney,ny,usa...not Sydney,new south wales,aus.thank you.

janinedm said...

@Very Slim Pickins

Danger + GoPros = internet fame. I think I've found my calling (though I cannot promise I won't engage in tofu doping).

Freddy Murcks said...

janinedm - But probably no internet fame if you film yourself swallowing your toothpaste and eating extremely rare pork chops. Not all dangers are created equally or equally exciting to watch others engaging in.

Anonymous said...

Probably tough to swim with that Brunelle helmet

dancesonpedals said...

Rare pork chops are delicious. My cousin had a farm & we took his word that the hogs were healthy

P. Bateman said...

i have been cooking these pork loins lately. bit of an orange glaze reduction grill'em or bake 'em and i swear they aint lying - IT IS THE OTHER WHITE MEAT and i think you'll find you'll love it in your mouth too.

leroy said...

Thin ice? Piffle.

Mr. Brunelle's braggadocio cannot conceal he's a risk rookie.

His latest exploit only reminded my dog to put Patti Smith's classic Pissing In A River back on the karaoke night play list.

Canines, kegs, and karaoke. That's taking a risk.

I just had the couch reupholstered.

Oh well could be worse. Could be like that time my dog invited friends over to celebrate Australian Awareness Week with a screening of "Don's Party."

(And of course, the reCAPTCHA verification just asked me to identify pictures of rivers.)

bad boy of the north said...

debating putting a flask and cage on.anyone use them?do you like using them and what do you fill 'em with?

Grow up Brunelle said...

Brunelle riding on a river! Brunelle skitching buses/cabs like high school boys! Brunelle getting hit by a van! Brunelle getting beat-up by a cabbie! Brunelle doing 40s! Brunelle running a light and hitting a woman! Kewl Dood!

ken e. said...

hah, one time at my favourite lunch spot i ate the sort-of-cooked white meat and paid the consequences! fortunately was sick for just a few days, but talk about queezy feeling! that brunelle dude needs a giant shwarma pinata head. what a kook.

PORK BARF
ICED DORK
HLMT MNY!

Frickus Rungus said...

BBotN,

I haven't tried a bicycle specific flask yet. I usually just pour a couple of 40oz of malt liquor in my camelback. That's enough to get me to work in the morning.

bad boy of the north said...

good one,frickus.olde English would be a good choice.

bad boy of the north said...

...though.

BamaPhred said...

Brunelle needs to come ride the edge of the tornado, from which I just emerged from hiding in my safe place. Which basically means I stuck me head up me arse and hoped for the best. It was all good. The "other white meat", snort.

BamaPhred said...

Remember this guy?

His job is finished in St Landry Parish. Rather long, you have been warned.

Hear he is moving Down Under to clean up cycling scofflaws.

Good Luck Ya'll

Second Class Citizen From A Second Class City said...

Bike Share is coming to Vancouver this summer! Haven't quite got the helmet thing sorted out yet, as it is the law, but there might be biodegradable, disposable liners for users to wear with the rental skid lids. Yeewww.

Viscous said...

What if one were to get a rental helmenet after Cipo had donned it.

Ewww Stinky Helmet said...

>Bike Share is coming to Vancouver this summer

Haven't I heard that before? In 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015. And if you finally do get one you'll be able to hold it up to world wide ridicule like the Melbourne and Brisbane failures in Helmet-stralia.

@Viscous. It'd keep slipping off?

Daniel C-W said...

Lane filtering is legal between the curb and stopped traffic. Daily telegraph is like the National Enquirer though so I guess they can be excused for not knowing the road rules...

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Elisa and Owen said...

So glad I live in Victoria - NSW has Dinosaur Dunc the minister for cars, but soon you guys will have Dinosaur Donald as president, which is even more of a bad joke...

bad boy of the north said...

bamaphred,you must be near Birmingham.glad you and your family are safe.sorry to hear about the damage down there.

bad boy of the north said...

liked the part where mr.sheriff mentioned mr.bicycle's thievery of the handgun from the console of the owner's truck.

McFly said...

Every time I see NSW I think Not Safe for Work.......so I immediately click it.

Historical Irony said...

"debating putting a flask and cage on.anyone use them?do you like using them and what do you fill 'em with?"

I has a stainless steel flask with custom cage on my rat rod fixed gear bike. The engraving on the flask says WCTU, so of course it is full of pure spring water.


i got that joke said...

My aunt Margaret needed a piece of jewelry to go out & a nice neighbor let her choose from her pins. Neighbor later irate that Margaret wore her WCTU pin to go bar hopping.

bad boy of the north said...

lol@historical irony and I got that joke.

Persia said...

I can explain what's happening in Sinney, Orstrilia. They started the city off in the wrong place, not enough room to expand, too many hills. Now they are full up and want to offload excess population to better locations like the Athens of the South, where it's flat and there's open plains to expand forever. So they are persecuting the cyclists until they give up and come to that happy place, where cycling is just peachy and you can get a drink at all hours. Come south, sad Sinney cyclists! There's a warm welcome and good coffee waiting for you.

RTMSstencil said...

Helmets are for woosies.

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