Something to Ponder: When does a bike's life begin?

In an attempt to gain mastery over my gag reflexes, I was clicking through some of the latest entries on Velospace.org, when I came across this:

While I personally feel that posting a frame and fork on an internet gallery is a bit like announcing your engagement before you've proposed, I realize this is a not uncommon practice in the halls of Velospace, and so I didn't let it concern me. And curious as to what sort of butcher job awaited this particular veal calf, I read on:

Frame:
Trek T1 58cm

Handlebars and Stem:
soon to be... bmx stem and SE mini risers

Fork and Headset:
soon to be... solos with carbon stock fork

Front wheel:
tba

Rear wheel:
black deep v-formula hub

Crankset and Bottom bracket:
soon to be... sugino rd messenger

Saddle and Seat Post:
bontager carbon.

Pedals and Chain:
gusset heavy duty... primo mini bmx

Cog/Gearing et cetera:
46x17

OK, seems like its future is that of a fixed-gear freestyler. I was particularly amused by the "tba" in the front wheel section, as though some highly-anticipated announcement or press release may be forthcoming. I can only speculate as to what sort of revelation awaits us. Has he somehow gotten his hands on an Aerospoke? Will he use a Zipp disc? Or will he blow all of our minds by taking it straight back to the '80s with an ACS Z-rim? Personally, I can't wait to find out, though I admit I was a bit insulted I wasn't invited to the press conference.

But then I read this:

Notes:
Im recieving this friday and it should be built up by monday

What? He doesn't even have the frame yet? OK, posting just a frame is one thing, but posting a frame you don't even have yet is taking things too far. Forget announcing your engagement before proposing--this is like showing naked pictures of your Russian mail-order bride to your friends before your Paypal payment has cleared. I'm assuming then that the picture we're looking at is the one from the eBay auction, or one that the seller sent him, in which case he's getting way ahead of himself. Assuming he even receives the frame, we all know anything can happen during shipping. What comes out of that box is anybody's guess. It could be like going to pick up your mail-order bride at the airport and finding out she's 20 years older than she looked in her picture, bearded, and missing an eye. Lastly, I can think of no better way of tempting fate than by announcing the completion date of a bike build. Anyone who's built a few bikes knows that even the most straightforward project inevitably hits a few snags. Confidently telling the world that the bike will be build Monday pretty much guarantees you're going to strip your bottom bracket threads.

Unwittingly, though, this bike's virtual owner has raised an interesting question: When does a bike's life begin? It's a question I have asked myself often. Does it begin when the order is placed and the money is tendered? Does it begin with the frame, or does it begin when the final component is in place and the bicycle is rideable? Or is a bike's beginning more intangible? Does it begin with that mischevous glint you get in your eye when you decide to build a bike around that spare 26.8 seatpost you've got lying around?

Certainly if you're going to argue that a bike's life begins before it's rideable, then you've at least got to put some time limit on the gestation period. Every cyclist has some spare parts and a harebrained scheme. But until that scheme is a rideable reality, it simply resides in a virtual world of unrealized bar bikes, beater bikes, and rain bikes.

So why is this even important? Is it because we need to determine when a bike is actually a bike so we know when it is acceptable to post pictures of it online? Maybe. More importantly, though, it's vital that we establish when a bicycle is viable so that we know when it is ethical to abort. And while I'm still not sure what the bicycle equivalent of the third trimester is, I'm pretty sure pulling the plug on this particular Trek wouldn't cause any protests.

Velospace: Keeping Hopelessness Alive

Occasionally I see signs that things are getting better: a taped bar here; a level saddle there; maybe even a brake or two. But I've learned not to let my hopes soar. Instead, I keep them hooded and tethered to me like a hunting falcon, because there's always some F-15 of awfulness waiting to shoot them down. Here are a few harbingers of doom currently patroling the skies of Velospace:

Taking a hacksaw to a bar might get you thrown out of your favorite watering hole, but when it comes to fixed-gear bicycles it's mandatory. If nothing else, these riders keep finding new ways to mutilate their controls, and the only rule when cutting seems to be to leave just enough to install a pair of mountain bike or BMX grips. This particular example evokes the old "too much metal for one hand." I call it "too much grip for one bar."

Despite the fact that most Italian bicycles are now made in molds, road cycling is still full of Italianophiles who are obsessed with the idea of wine-besotted welders fabricating frames in small workshops under velodromes, and these people go to great lengths to assemble all-Italian bicycles. This is a noteworthy example, and not just because it's so gaudy that Mario Cipollini would refuse to ride it even as he slipped into a crotchless sequined skinsuit. No, the most remarkable thing about this bike is that it appears to be sporting Modolo Morphos shifter/brake levers. If you're unfamiliar with these contraptions, they're sold in the Performance catalog and they purport to be compatible with both Shimano and Campy, and with 7, 8, and 9-speed systems. They're the platypus of shifters. I've never actually seen a pair in use, but apparently every so often someone is duped by their low weight and price tag and buys a pair, because occasionally you'll read a review on some forum about how unuseable they are. They're like ordering lobster at a diner--it seems like a good idea at the time but inevitably it turns out to be a big mistake.

A reader sent me this one and I have to agree with him that it's probably a hoax. As sublime as the brake setup is, it smacks of someone who grabbed a lever and caliper meant for the front and stuck it on the rear for the photo. Same with the top tube pad on the downtube, the mixmatched wheels, and the double crank with untensioned chain. However, if this is a serious attempt at a bicycle, I stand in awe. In fact, it is rivaled in purpleness and perversity only by the man whose guitar its seatpost-mounted brake lever evokes. It is a sad sign o' the times.

Bicycle Marketing: The Inconvenience Truth

Judging from the comments on yesterday’s post, people have strong feelings about Mission Bicycles, their product, and their marketing approach. I too will admit I’m underwhelmed. But it’s not because they’re charging $950 for a ticket to ride the “meh” express. Rather, it’s because they’re not taking it all the way.

Whether Mission Bicycles succeeds or fails remains to be seen. But I’m certain of one thing: if they built this bicycle (emailed to me recently by a reader) instead and charged $500 or so more than they are now their success would be assured:

This completely absurd parody of a parody of a fixed-gear is the way you sell a bike. You may have heard the old expression about selling the sizzle, not the steak. Well, in bicycle retail, you don't sell the ride, you sell the crotch pain. Sure, you may draw certain conclusions from looking at this bike, such as: it’s ugly; 700c + 650c = moronic; and it’s completely useless unless you’re this guy:

In fact, you can only do two things on this bike: 1) let everyone see the waistband of your underwear; and 2) look like you’re having your lower intestine searched for condoms filled with cocaine. But this bike dares you to ride it, and that’s what people find irresistible. Like any other fashion accessory, a bicycle needs to be expensive and uncomfortable. Nobody with any style wants something that’s easy to get and easy to use. The affluent man-on-the-make doesn’t want a woman who’s interested in him, and he doesn’t want a bike he can ride. He wants a model who can barely stand him and he wants a BMC Time Machine in the garage with the price tag still on it. So if Mission Bicycles wants to sell bikes to trend-conscious urban sophisticates, they shouldn’t be offering semi-impractical milquetoast bikes for just a few hundred dollars more than they’re worth. They should be selling S&M chairs on wheels for a price that would make a Sheik balk.

Just look at The Great Trek Bicycle-Making Corporation, one of the most successful bike companies in the world. They got it perfect with the new Madone:

This bike tells discerning consumers exactly what they want to hear. Can I choose my own headset or bottom braket? No. Can I use a non-outboard bearing crank? Nope. Can I use a different seatpost? Sorry, I don’t think so. Can I maybe slip a fender between those sexy chainstays? Not on your life. And just like the urban sophisticate’s model girlfriend, bikes like the Madone will make you spend a lot of money on them and then leave you frustrated with a long piece of hard plastic in your hand. Oh, and they don't age too well either. And that’s what people want in a bike.

Apocafixed Now! The End Is Nigh

Awhile back I posted about the Seven Signs of the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse. Frankly, I can't blame you if you read that at the time and shrugged it off the same way people did when they first started hearing about global warming. But today I've come across some things which, like that drowning polar bear in "An Inconvenient Truth," should shock you once and for all into believing this thing is for real. In fact, I'm going so far as to raise the BSNYC Fixed-Gear Apocalypse Advisory System level from orange to red, and that tearing sound you hear is me opening the velcro on the orange BSNYC FGAAS top-tube pad and replacing it with a red one.

The first thing to give me pause today was this entry on Velospace. Like a Doctors Without Borders volunteer who's seen one too many goiters and is no longer fazed by them, I have now reached the point where I can look at fixed-gear freestylers like this without throwing up (though I was a bit disturbed by the way this one evoked the old admonition not to eat yellow snow). But it wasn't until I came across this in the description that I became frightened: "beautiful, stiff, and could survive the apocalypse." Apocalypse?!? What does this person know about the Apocalypse, and why is he building a bike to survive it? I suspected immediately that he knew more than he was letting on.

My suspicions were confirmed immediately, when I discovered that on that very same day, in the very same village, a mountain bike had been born without spokes, hubs, or drivetrain. Yet the wheels stayed on!

And even more grotesque, a geared DeRosa was born with bullhorns and top-mount brake levers.

Perhaps most horrific of all was this abomination. Until today I was fortunate enough to be able to say that I'd never seen a pair of flopped-and-chopped mountain bike bars, but I can't say that anymore. I feel like damaged goods now. Two hours in the shower with a loofah and a tub of citrus hand-degreaser and I still feel dirty after looking at this thing. The angled saddle taunts me, its proboscis pointing mockingly at the bars and its plastic cupcake swaying like a saccharine censer in a satanic breeze that carries the wretched stench of death and burning Vittorias. This bicycle confirms what I've long suspected: like the Discovery Channel and most fans of professional road racing, God has given up on cyling.

King Kog's site serves as sort of an early warning system for me--it is of course where I first learned of the Aerospoke Crisis. So, alarmed by the aforementioned bicycles, I clicked over and discovered the "Pista Paria" t-shirt above. At first I was puzzled, and suspected that the the shirt was simply missing an "H." But a little Wikipedia research soon revealed that "Paria is a village situated near Vapi in Valsad District, Gujarat, India...Its population of is approximately 5,000." Clearly this shirt indicates the existence of some kind of rural Indian fixed-gear subculture. And if this whole thing has become so popular that they're even doing it in Paria (where they've only just gotten "Chico and the Man" from what I understand) then there is officialy nowhere to hide.


And clearly Fabric Horse is expecting the Apocalypse as well, judging from this product. According to the copy it's "A superhero of rust, black, and shades of gray for that long sought-after, rugged cyclist look." I once thought that these cycling utility belts had come about because pants have gotten so tight people can no longer keep things in their pockets, but now it is obvious to me that Fabric Horse too know the Apocalypse is coming and want people to be prepared for it. I only hope it's not coming too soon, though, since the site also says to "allow 2-4 weeks for delivery."

Now fully convinced that we were in trouble, I went over to Craigslist. I figured if the Apocalypse was truly nigh people would be ditching their fixed-gears the way rats ditch a sinking ship. Sure enough I was right:

Bianchi Pista - $599 (Chelsea) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/462792062.html]

Brand New " been on the road 3 times" still under service warranty

51" frame

Upgrade on Pedals and Hand Brake

Chrome Frame

Not even 3 months old

Buy this bike new which it pretty much is will cost you over $800

Cash Only Seriously Interested people only!!

Price is Final

Chilling. Upgraded "hand brake" and pedals, and he was only asking for about $50 above full retail! He must be desperate. Then I saw this:

53 cm mercier green fixed - $350 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/462858848.html]

53 cm green mercier kilo tt, rides great, in need of quick cash so must sell asap, if you want pictures, and specs, i will email you my phone number. moving out of ny. fixed gear, track, velocity

OK, if you're not convinced now, you're crazy. This guy's skipping town and he's not even taking his pogo stick on wheels with him. He obviously knows what's about to happen. So repent, and don't say I didn't warn you. (And note the red top tube pad!)

And Finally...Paying Tribute To The Tribute Bikes

While we're on the subject of rolling tributes, I think we'd be remiss if we didn't take some time to honor what is essentially an entire subgenre of bicycle: tribute bikes. If you've ever watched "American Chopper" or any other custom motorcycle fabrication show, you know that this sort of thing is common in the motorcycle world, and it would appear that the cycling community is following suit. As such, I'd like to take a look at some of the most moving tribute bikes out there today. Some I have featured before (as recently as this morning, in fact) and some I am posting for the very first time. But they all share one thing in common: enough emotional wallop to knock you right out of your saddle. Once you've browsed them, cast your vote for which tribute caused you the most tribulation. Then we can tuck the whole ugly subject in and put it to sleep.

Who could forget The Riddle? When I featured this bike in a post awhile back the response was nothing short of incendiary. A folk tale come to life, this is bike is tribute bikes.

Who knows what Candy Cane Bike owner's grandfather did to make his grandson resent him so much. Did he yell at him for getting Frito crumbs on the couch once? Did he bore him with one too many stories about the war? Or did his car just plain smell like old person? Whatever it was, it was enough to inspire this fierce and irreverent anti-tribute to imperialism and war crimes.

USA! USA! If Candy Cane Bike's Grandpa were to ride a bike, this would be it.

This Italian-American steed is a simple but powerful tribute to the immigrant experience--a humble peasant draped in the Stars and Stripes.

Lubing the chain on this tribute gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "Brazilian Wax."

There's nothing neutral about this bike--it's pro Swiss, baby! Not only does it sport the flag tape, but it's also chocolate brown, and like the knives for which Switzerland is famous, it's built to do anything. I think I even see a built-in toothpick.


This tribute to iconic 80s comedienne Whoopi Goldberg is nothing short of awesome. I immediately get nostalgic for her many stints hosting "Comic Relief" on HBO. The Robin Williams hairy arm applause-o-meter is going off the charts for this one.

Further to Yesterday's Post...

Judging from some people's comments, the Candy Cane Bike featured in yesterday's post seems to have succeeded in stirring up just the sort of controversy and resentment its owner intended. The resulting acidity was not at all what I had in mind when I included it. And if there's one thing I think I may have learned in science class, it's that the way to neutralize an acid is to mix in some base. But with this much acid, you need some serious base--the Ace of Base, if you will. Fortunately, a reader just sent me this. Let us bask in the splendor of this rolling tribute and leave the history to Ken Burns:

From LBS to Complete BS: The Future of Bicycle Retail

The caprices of fashion, the realities of global warming, and the undeniable fun and practicality of cycling have conspired to make bicycles more popular than ever before. But while manufacturers are doing their damnedest to appeal to this new crop of cyclists, the retail end still has some catching up to do. Most traditional bike shops have little to offer the fixed-gear freestylers, Beautiful Godzillas, and Wall Street triathletes that increasingly make up the body cycliste. Like the Whole Foods shopper who walks into an A&P and is bewildered by the absence of a cheesemonger and an olive bar, these riders are often at a total loss upon entering a typical LBS. Consequently, track bike boutiques and ultra-high end road and multisport shops are starting to spring up in our cities, and together with the systematic un-grittification of cities like New York, the trend seems to be specialization and luxury. For those looking to enter bicycle retail, or for shops looking to adapt, here are some free ideas to keep you ahead of the curve:

Urban Bicycle Parking Lounges

One of the main reasons people cite for not riding a bicycle in New York is theft. There's simply no lock strong enough to keep a thief from appropriating your bicycle if he decides he wants it. Of course, one solution would be to ride a bicycle so crappy that even if someone wanted to take it you wouldn’t care. However, this precludes our inalienable right to conspicuous consumption. Do you want to live in a world where it's impossible to own an NJS bar bike? I sure don't. That's why I see bicycle parking lounges opening in our city's trendier neighborhoods in the near future. Simply roll up to Bedford Avenue, or Valencia Street, or Damen Avenue, enter a storefront that probably used to house one of those old-fashioned bike shops, take a ticket from some kid who probably used to be an old-fashioned shop rat, maybe buy a free-trade coffee or a lifestyle magazine, and then meet your friends at the bar. While it's one less excuse to use a top-tube pad, you'll no longer have to wait for that second Tecate to kick in before you stop worrying about your bike. Plus, you could even have a bowling alley-like shoe exchange so you could wear cycling shoes. I mean, you can ride a Ferrari to a restaurant in South Beach, but you can’t ride a Colnago to a lounge in the East Village. And that needs to change.

Cycling Lifestyle Consultancies

A traditional bike shop can only offer so many bicycle models and so much personal attention. Even the most service-oriented shop only has a limited number of models and accessories to choose from, and their overhead is so high and their margins so thin that sooner or later they have to move on to the next customer. Enter the Cycling Lifestyle Consultant. Part coach, part therapist, part interior decorator, your personal CLC will commute with you, train with you, and recreate with you until he or she has determined the exact bicycle that your lifestyle demands. You’ve heard of the bicycle that “dissapears beneath you;” well, this bike will integrate itself so seamlessly into your life you’ll forget it’s even there. Your CLC can even accompany you to group rides, races, and alleycats and show you the ropes so you can avoid those pesky learning curves. What's more antiquated than paying your dues? Pay a CLC instead!

Bicycle Tailors

Whatever your feelings on top tube pads, it would seem they’re not going anywhere anytime soon. And it’s already difficult to get a good fit. Some are long, some are short. Some are designed for fat aluminum tubing, others for slender steel. This is only going to get more difficult as carbon fiber enables manufacturers to shape their frames any way they choose. It’s only a matter of time before hemming them and altering them becomes an essential part of the process. Guaranteed, in a few years everybody who visits a bicycle boutique is going to need to swing by the tailor afterwards. Be ahead of the curve and open one today.

De-Fixification Clinics

So you bought yourself an 80s road frame conversion, but now you can’t stand that everyone else has one too. And being different is more important than having fun. So you want to convert it back to a geared bike. Or, maybe you’re someone who just bought a nice track bike that someone turned into a fixed-gear freestyler and then got tired of, and you want to turn it back into a real bike. Well, just take it to your neighborhood de-fixification clinic, where if it’s fixed, they’ll fix it. I see a demand for places like this well into the future—we’re not going to be able to undo the last five years of bicycle butchery overnight.

The Brakery

My favorite new bike boutique name is No Brakes. (Hi guys.) Trendy, sure. But don’t make the mistake of trying to jump on the bandwagon by naming your shop after some other kind of mechanical deficiency, like “One Crank Arm,” “No Saddle,” or “Flat Tire.” Instead, fill the gap! That’s what specialization is all about. At The Brakery, they’ll focus on one thing and one thing only—stopping your bike. Calipers, cantis, linear pulls. Center-pulls, side-pulls, dual-pivots. Brake shoes, cartridges, straddle cables. Levers, cables, housing, travel agents. Mechanical discs, hydraulic discs, rotors. Retrofits, coaster brakes, even those stupid old-fashioned rod brakes. Whatever your stopping needs, at The Brakery, they’ll brake your bike. Just take a number.

Bike Photography Studios

As bikes get more popular, showing them off becomes more important. Your bike is an extension of yourself, and you want to meet people and have them like you because of the bike you ride. Velospace, Fixedgeargallery, Myspace, Facebook—wherever you look people are showing off their rides and begging fervently for approval. So don’t make the mistake of snapping a crappy photo with your camera phone and immortalizing your dorkiness. Instead, get your bike photographed at a professional bike photography studio. Not only will you get a great shot, but a team of stylists will also make sure you get the best out of your bike. They’ll have an array of colored chains, clinchers, and top tube pads available. Turn that conversion into a sensation. People will be friending your bike faster than an unfixed dog friends a leg.

Williams-Sonoma-type Store for Bike Tools

As Felt are well aware, bike tools are more than just a way to fix your bike. They also express your lifestyle. While high-quality bike tools were previously the domain of the pro wrench or the dedicated bike geek, the new breed of cyclist knows that tools are an important part of accessorizing. After all, plenty of people have kitchens full of high-end cookware yet call for take-out every night. The same urge that sends the throngs to stores on Sunday afternoon to shop for expensive copper pots, cutlery sets, and wine-pourers will also compel them to buy combination bottle opener/axle nut wrenches, tire lever/letter openers, and Louis Vuitton allen key pouches. Open one today and be a sensation tomorrow.

Honey, wanna go to Park-Pedro?

Velospace: Reaching For The Stars

The entries on Velospace sometimes transcend entertaining and belong in a category I can only call sublime. There was once a time I'd flip through the bikes there and get angry. Now the only thing I feel is awe. It's more than just the bikes themselves; it's also the staging and the presentation. This is no longer bike porn--this is art. Here are just some of the bikes that have moved me recently:

The inverted colors of this photo massage my soul. Looking at it is like lying in a tub filled with warm water and bath crystals, surrounded by scented candles. I bet it even smells nice too. Aroma therapy on wheels...

Not only does this bike evoke an inimitable 80s pop icon, but it also has succeeded in convincing me that there really are some bars that are better left untaped.

The staging here is absolutely spectacular. I thought of one thing and one thing only. Stunning.

Four centimeters of spacers, a stem with a generous rise, and a pair of risers flipped upside down. "Stemz up, barz down." Awww, yeah.

And then there's this. There's no counterpart to this. This bicycle taunts me. It's so very close to perfection! The rakish tilt of the saddle. The risers. The stupid top-tube pad. More cards than a casino. The only thing keeping it from poster-child status is the front brake. But perhaps this will one day be gone as well. Increasingly I hear of new fixed-gear riders who consider it a rite of passage to remove the brake. It's like a fixie briss. If this bike has one, I hope I'm invited.

Bicycle Pathos: Things That Make Me Sad

Among the many crosses I bear is the unavoidable impulse to invest bicycles with human or animal characteristics. This is most apparent when I'm browsing the various internet bicycle galleries. For some people, these pictures are simply bike porn. For me, it's like going to an animal shelter and being stared at by abandoned puppies, or like going to the zoo and seeing a polar bear forced to live in a habitat the size of a suburban backyard. The following bikes are just a few that, while all different, managed to pluck the twisted spokes of my heart:

These two poor babies are tethered together in the "front brakes are lame" cluster on Velospace. The clusterer goes on to explain that this cluster is for "people who appreciate the true ascetic of a fixed gear." Does he mean that riding a fixed gear is an act of asceticism, and that using a brake is somehow a worldly indulgence? (Though apparently wedging a rubber frog between your seatstays is not.) Or does he mean to use the word "aesthetic," meaning that a brake spoils the pure appearance of the bicycle? (Though apparently wrapping your top tube in a star-spangled crotch protector does not.) In either case, these two bikes look like wide-eyed war orphans who have been abducted and forced to join the circus. It is my heartfelt desire that they should be liberated, stripped of their frogs and top tubes and spoke cards and thrift-store baubles, and allowed to ride free as the bicycles they were born to be.

Before a poignantly non-working fireplace sits this near-naked non-working 3Rensho. Its Dickensian owner points out that it has "been awhile but thanks to my generous family and friends its getting there." What poor bicycle must be forced to subsist on handouts and crumbs proffered by others? Why bring a bicycle into the world if you cannot afford to provide for it? Put perhaps worst of all, why photograph this poor thing in its indignity and post a picture of it online? Please, do the human thing here: skip the NJS, finish building the thing, and ride it!

Awhile back I included the so-called "gorilla bike" in a post. In all honesty, when I first saw this I balked. But after the owner himself commented on this site I grew strangely fond of this peculiar beast and the oddly-built owner willing to torture his own groin just to give it a home and make it feel loved. However, I recently noticed that the Velospace entry has been updated. Sadly, the gorilla bike is now for sale! This makes me sad. To what wretched fate will the owner consign gorilla bike? Like Kong himself, will this become a freak show attraction to be gawked at, never to know love again? Shame on you, owner of gorilla bike!

You know what's sad? Taking a Shitamori behind a Japanese screen and then posting a photo of it.

But you know what's even sadder? Stealing Gumby's bike.

What I Learned On My Summer Vacation

A little over a week ago I left town a seething, petty, and judgmental person. But over the course of my vacation, the layers of disgust and psychic grime began to wash off. Gradually, without even realizing it was happening, I grew able to look at people and things (yes, bikes included) without finding them infuriating. In fact, the only reason I know now that this has happened is that since my return I've been reading my past posts and asking myself, "Who is this hateful person?"

Well, I'm happy to announce I've changed. In fact, I did a little test to prove it to myself. I went over to Velospace and Fixedgeargallery and checked out some of the recent entries. And like Alex in "A Clockwork Orange" after his treatement, I was simply unable to engage in hateful, spiteful behavior. And this was no easy test, either. Here are some examples of the bikes that taunted me, and that I gamely embraced with my new-found bike love:

I love that this bike is whimsically hanging from a set of monkey bars that set off its delightfully playful yellow and green color scheme. And when I take the red toe straps into account, it is tempting to consider the possibility that the owner chose these colors to show his allegiance to either Guyana, Bolivia, Ghana, or Togo. I love also that, while it is brakeless, it seems to have the stem shifters still attached. I also find the tiny BCD of the crankset endearing, and think the possibility that the yellow IROC in the background also belongs to the owner is exciting and thought-provoking. But most of all, I love the fact that another person is riding, and that bikes are fun! Yay!

Here's another one that in no way pissed me off. Like the last one, this one also has a crankset with a small BCD running a chainring that would be equally at home on a table saw. And I didn't mind the fact that the owner is using one of those delightful threaded-to-threadless adapters so he can use his shiny, pretty gold threadless stem that matches his shiny, pretty gold bars and shiny, pretty gold chain. I mean, what else do you do when you can't find a gold quill stem? And why shouldn't a drive chain be pretty and shiny, anyway? Of course there was a time before my vacation when I might make fun of the saddle, which does kind of look like a slice of cheese melting on top of a mop handle, you've got to admit; or the riser bars, which together with the seat angle probably make the rider's elbows stick out so it looks like he's doing some kind of chicken dance while he's riding. But I'm not going to do that. Nor am I going to mock the Aerospokes, which Nashbar couldn't give away until they became fashionable after enough people noticed messengers using them on the front because a chain passes more easily through them than through wire spokes and decided it looked cool. (I think the Aerospoke people were about to jump off a bridge with their own wheels tied around their necks when someone from the warehouse came running to tell them that these things were finally moving.) And, finally, I find the owner's mock inner-city vernacular clever and amusing. Ha! The word "wigger" is funny!

Why not post a picture of an unbuilt frame and fork on a bicycle gallery? I mean, nobody's riding the built bikes either. I hope this heralds a day when people will simply bring their NJS frames along to bars with them instead of building them and locking them outside. Why risk theft while posing?

That may have sounded ironic, but it's not. I mean it sincerely. It's great that more people are not riding.

This bike doesn't make me angry at all either. But it does make me concerned. What if the rider's tongue should somehow make contact with the bars? He'll never get it off! It'll be like "A Christmas Story."

This bike sports an insouciant bandana in solidarity with the "gangstas" the owner has seen while traveling briskly through bad neighborhoods in a car. It looks like it belongs to Jamie Kennedy from "Malibu's Most Wanted." And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Jamie Kennedy is a talented and funny actor.

OK, if I haven't convinced you yet that I'm cured, this should do the trick. I mean, if I wasn't would I be able to resist making a comment about the purple Velocitys which set off the purple saddle and purple computer mount which makes the computer itself look like a fly being eaten by the ugliest frog you've ever seen? Seriously, if I wasn't a new and kinder person I'd be on the phone with White Industries right now demanding that they send somebody to this person's house to take these components back before this horrid thing hurts somebody. I'd also say that if I had to choose between this frame and a Softride I'd have to take the coward's way out by pouring gasoline over myself and going to a barbecue. Yes, this bike does raise questions. Chief among them: are the people at Corratec unable to shorten seat stays and weld them where they belong?!? Yet, while this thing looks like it's about to explode in a random burst of tubing, purple components, and cacophonous sounds like a cuckoo clock striking twelve, or a cartoon character getting his toe caught in a mousetrap, looking at it only makes me feel warm and quivery inside.

Though it's possible I may just be about to throw up.

Clash of the Mono-Cog Titans: Fixedgeargallery vs. Velospace

If you own a potential internet showbike, probably the biggest question on your mind (after what color Deep Vs to get) is: "Where should I post my pictures?" Well, the two biggest online runway shows are arguably fixedgeargallery.com and velospace.org. To help you decide where to submit your photos, I have decided to pit the two against each-other. They will compete in six categories, which will determine the overall winner:

The "Why Bother Posting This?" Competition

Between what I've seen online and what I've seen on the streets, the old Peugeot is probably the single most commonly converted bike out there. This one, with the requisite bullhorns and Brooks saddle, has little to distinguish it from the herd. Except perhaps the color-coordinated water bottle.

This bike is ugly enough to have been an extra in "Beetlejuice."

Winner: Velospace

The Naked Handlebar Competition

Naked risers. No grips, no brake levers, no clips on the pedals. A solid entry indeed. (Bonus points for matching the bike to the patio furniture.)

Proudly, the bull elk surveys his territory, his mighty antlers sending a clarion call to the rest of the males: "This pond is mine."

Winner: Velospace

Unrideable Geometry Competition

This contortionist's dream raises many questions. Chief among them is, "Why do people put bullhorns on everything except bikes that actually call for them?" The full poker hand of spoke cards, designer top tube pad, and front Hed tri wheel are all bonuses. This bike in motion is doubtless an MC Escher print come to life--eternally descending, yet remaining level. Heavy.

Unfortunately no bike was able to compete with the Velospace bike. So instead I present this gorilla, the only beast capable of riding it comfortably.

Winner: Velospace

Hellbent for Leather Competition

With its leather bar wrap, matching Brooks saddle and Burberry top tube pad (!), this old chap is an Anglophile's delightfully naughty dream. Despite the spoke card, this bicycle evokes images of fox huts, bowls of bread pudding, tweed hats, and sexless nights with prudish spouses. If this picture were to come to life, an old Rudge would open up that turquoise door and invite it in for tea.

This bike is more of a cowboy's mount. I can see the owner riding it in a Stetson and urging it along by gently swatting its rump with a lariat. Maybe he'd occasionally rope a BMX or something. And with Bicycle Polo an apparent hit, could Bicycle Rodeo be far off? Still, it's not quite as evocative as the Bob Jackson.

Winner: Fixedgeargallery

Best Cheap Tart Competition

This simple Pista with the caked-on blue eyeshadow and patterned cocktail dress looks like a teenager from Flushing who's sneaked out of the house for a night in the city. And just like Mom and Dad can't stop a willful teenager, the rider can't stop this bike. No brake, no straps, no problem.

Is the yellow handlebar tape on backorder?

Winner: Fixedgeargallery

Best Bianchi Pista Concept Competition

The spoke card and ATACs on this bike suggest the owner intended to build a dedicated track bike but chickened out at the last minute. And are the $400 Easton carbon bars better without tape, or was there just not enough money left in the budget?

"My bike is race-ready and attractive--albeit in a tube-of-toothpaste sort of way. How can I make it look more special? I know! I'll put some gold crap on it! Yeah, that's better. Now it looks like a marathon runner wearing a rope chain."

Winner: Velospace

Final Result: Velospace takes it, four to two! Step it up, Fixedgeargallery!