Apocafixed Now! The End Is Nigh

Awhile back I posted about the Seven Signs of the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse. Frankly, I can't blame you if you read that at the time and shrugged it off the same way people did when they first started hearing about global warming. But today I've come across some things which, like that drowning polar bear in "An Inconvenient Truth," should shock you once and for all into believing this thing is for real. In fact, I'm going so far as to raise the BSNYC Fixed-Gear Apocalypse Advisory System level from orange to red, and that tearing sound you hear is me opening the velcro on the orange BSNYC FGAAS top-tube pad and replacing it with a red one.

The first thing to give me pause today was this entry on Velospace. Like a Doctors Without Borders volunteer who's seen one too many goiters and is no longer fazed by them, I have now reached the point where I can look at fixed-gear freestylers like this without throwing up (though I was a bit disturbed by the way this one evoked the old admonition not to eat yellow snow). But it wasn't until I came across this in the description that I became frightened: "beautiful, stiff, and could survive the apocalypse." Apocalypse?!? What does this person know about the Apocalypse, and why is he building a bike to survive it? I suspected immediately that he knew more than he was letting on.

My suspicions were confirmed immediately, when I discovered that on that very same day, in the very same village, a mountain bike had been born without spokes, hubs, or drivetrain. Yet the wheels stayed on!

And even more grotesque, a geared DeRosa was born with bullhorns and top-mount brake levers.

Perhaps most horrific of all was this abomination. Until today I was fortunate enough to be able to say that I'd never seen a pair of flopped-and-chopped mountain bike bars, but I can't say that anymore. I feel like damaged goods now. Two hours in the shower with a loofah and a tub of citrus hand-degreaser and I still feel dirty after looking at this thing. The angled saddle taunts me, its proboscis pointing mockingly at the bars and its plastic cupcake swaying like a saccharine censer in a satanic breeze that carries the wretched stench of death and burning Vittorias. This bicycle confirms what I've long suspected: like the Discovery Channel and most fans of professional road racing, God has given up on cyling.

King Kog's site serves as sort of an early warning system for me--it is of course where I first learned of the Aerospoke Crisis. So, alarmed by the aforementioned bicycles, I clicked over and discovered the "Pista Paria" t-shirt above. At first I was puzzled, and suspected that the the shirt was simply missing an "H." But a little Wikipedia research soon revealed that "Paria is a village situated near Vapi in Valsad District, Gujarat, India...Its population of is approximately 5,000." Clearly this shirt indicates the existence of some kind of rural Indian fixed-gear subculture. And if this whole thing has become so popular that they're even doing it in Paria (where they've only just gotten "Chico and the Man" from what I understand) then there is officialy nowhere to hide.


And clearly Fabric Horse is expecting the Apocalypse as well, judging from this product. According to the copy it's "A superhero of rust, black, and shades of gray for that long sought-after, rugged cyclist look." I once thought that these cycling utility belts had come about because pants have gotten so tight people can no longer keep things in their pockets, but now it is obvious to me that Fabric Horse too know the Apocalypse is coming and want people to be prepared for it. I only hope it's not coming too soon, though, since the site also says to "allow 2-4 weeks for delivery."

Now fully convinced that we were in trouble, I went over to Craigslist. I figured if the Apocalypse was truly nigh people would be ditching their fixed-gears the way rats ditch a sinking ship. Sure enough I was right:

Bianchi Pista - $599 (Chelsea) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/462792062.html]

Brand New " been on the road 3 times" still under service warranty

51" frame

Upgrade on Pedals and Hand Brake

Chrome Frame

Not even 3 months old

Buy this bike new which it pretty much is will cost you over $800

Cash Only Seriously Interested people only!!

Price is Final

Chilling. Upgraded "hand brake" and pedals, and he was only asking for about $50 above full retail! He must be desperate. Then I saw this:

53 cm mercier green fixed - $350 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/462858848.html]

53 cm green mercier kilo tt, rides great, in need of quick cash so must sell asap, if you want pictures, and specs, i will email you my phone number. moving out of ny. fixed gear, track, velocity

OK, if you're not convinced now, you're crazy. This guy's skipping town and he's not even taking his pogo stick on wheels with him. He obviously knows what's about to happen. So repent, and don't say I didn't warn you. (And note the red top tube pad!)