Thursday, September 13, 2007

Velospace: Reaching For The Stars

The entries on Velospace sometimes transcend entertaining and belong in a category I can only call sublime. There was once a time I'd flip through the bikes there and get angry. Now the only thing I feel is awe. It's more than just the bikes themselves; it's also the staging and the presentation. This is no longer bike porn--this is art. Here are just some of the bikes that have moved me recently:

The inverted colors of this photo massage my soul. Looking at it is like lying in a tub filled with warm water and bath crystals, surrounded by scented candles. I bet it even smells nice too. Aroma therapy on wheels...

Not only does this bike evoke an inimitable 80s pop icon, but it also has succeeded in convincing me that there really are some bars that are better left untaped.

The staging here is absolutely spectacular. I thought of one thing and one thing only. Stunning.

Four centimeters of spacers, a stem with a generous rise, and a pair of risers flipped upside down. "Stemz up, barz down." Awww, yeah.

And then there's this. There's no counterpart to this. This bicycle taunts me. It's so very close to perfection! The rakish tilt of the saddle. The risers. The stupid top-tube pad. More cards than a casino. The only thing keeping it from poster-child status is the front brake. But perhaps this will one day be gone as well. Increasingly I hear of new fixed-gear riders who consider it a rite of passage to remove the brake. It's like a fixie briss. If this bike has one, I hope I'm invited.


Anonymous said...

And saddizzle tiltizzled forwizzle fo shizzle.

Prolly said...

John said...

it is a right of passage

front brake = hymen

BikeSnobNYC said...


You just blew my mind. That's like "12 Monkeys."


ol'skool lugged steel said...

straight of the rack - yeah real nice and exotic...
walk right in to a store and buy your way into the scene - classy!!!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, this was a great thread from the start. I was smiling, I was chuckling, I was having fun. Then you mentioned the briss and I about lost my coffee. Good times. Also, a buddy of mine was riding past a group of fauxingers on his track rig when one of them commented 'Nice bike man, all you need is a top tube pad!' Maybe I should get rid of all my top tube pads like I did my (real) messenger race spoke cards.


Matt in Seattle

Scott said...

Why do people thank everyone involved in their velospace description like they're accepting an Oscar or something?

bikesgonewild said...

...dr. leakey sez:: "obvious signs this culture could not sustain itself...doomed for extinction... ...that's the 'brakes'"...

...bikes just wanna have fun,'shizzle...

Russ said...

I'd like to put one more thing in the spokes of that orange monstrosity--a broomstick.

meh-wee-uhn said...

A fixie briss. Ah ha ha ha ha!

BikeSnobNYC said...


Getting rid of your top tube pad? Now that's a briss.



bother yam said...

Here's the picture you're looking for...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Brother Yam,

If that guy and Rick Nielsen of Cheap Trick had a baby it would be that bike.


Jim said...

Prolly, awesome farkup.

It's clear from the archeological evidence: the dinosaurs became extinct because they didn't have brakes or wear helmets, and they wore their top tube pads like neckties, instead of on their top tubes where they might have protected their potent but laughably tiny little dinosaur genitalia.

Anonymous said...

that's actually a studded white belt.

Anonymous said...

I guess they hadn't dug down to the skinny jeans period yet

Ben said...

I can't help think of this for the pink and blue bike.

Anonymous said...

the Cyndi Lauper bike also suffers from impacted anus syndrome due to the Cadence sticker. barf.

Miriam said...

Prolly, you are my hero. I adore the studded belt.

I was going to sell my Japanese track bike to help pay bills, and since I dont have a track nearby anymore. But I cant let it be turned into one of these monstrosities.

krad said...

Did somebody say "stemz up, barz down"?

rotten said...

the plague is spreading south:

Cody said...

I hope "stemz up, bars down" catches on. I REALLY hope it leads to someone having one of those shitty adjustable hybrid stems jacked all the saw up with some bmx bars flipped. I bet it would handle awesome.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I got this problem. I just scored some dope aerospoke wheels, but now I can't get any spoke cards in them. Should I (a) tape my cards to my aerospokes or (b) put movie posters in my wheels. They might be big enough.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you hate my Cyndi Lauper bike. Given your previous postings on how ugly you think Cinelli Alter stems are, and how much you hate top tube protectors, I was sure I'd get my time in the spotlight here. Thanks!

Ronald said...

Look guys-ultimately all these people are trying to do is to give their bikes a bit of personality as an antidote to todays prepackaged.production line,marketing comittee,profit driven,consume or perish,blando bullshit,corporate crapola world!All this cynicism is fun-but at least they're building their own bikes-finding the bits for themselves-showing SOME degree of creativity,rather than just buying the latest,greatest pre-planned piece of obsolescence that a corporation thrusts at them!!!!Not everyone has access to the twenty generations of inbred cycling lore and wisdom we seem to think we possess-remember when it was all new and exciting why dont'cha -as it obviously is to thesepeople on velospace and fgg!What a bunch of jaded cunts we are all becoming!This is Sir Jaded With Being Jaded signing off on another slightly less drunken Friday night-nighty night all-don't let the roaches bite!

Ronald said...

Fuck-ultimately we should be flattered that what a bunch of fuckups like us do by accident, others see as being worthy of emulating-even if they do get it a bit wrong!I'm only bitter 'cos I used to be able to buy old, good track frames for next to nothing-now the same type of thing is$500--if I can find one in my size!dammit-Ishoulda bought'em all when no-one could get rid of them!

Ronald said...

I just always gotta get the last word in-even over myself-wotta jaded,cynical cunt I am-and this is me whenI'm happy!!!!

Anonymous said...

Prolly, pretty funny (even without the slur).

rhedosaurus said...

thanks for exposing my cousin for the poser he was.

adam said...

the snoop dog bike is my brother bike. shit is tight. U MADD?

Anonymous said...

Cindy gave me a hard-on years ago and so does that PAKE!!

GB2SF said...

must've been a slow day on FGG!

nige said...

I am proud to be the owner of the Orange KHS and equally pleased to announce that it is now burning around London without a hideous brake!!

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Anonymous said...

Frame builders = artist

Hipsers hanging trendy parts on a frame & fancying themselves as "artists" = epic fail

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