The Grand Scheme of Things: A Bold Caper

In yesterday's post, I discussed the implications of non-hipster-on-hipster crime. Certainly there is no greater tragedy than when youthful idealists are forced to confront the realities of urban living.

Or is there?

What happens when hipster actually robs hipster, which is what happened not too long ago when the MASH store in San Francisco experienced a break-in and a couple of bikes were stolen:
Despite the outfits, I'm actually not totally convinced that this was the work of hipsters, since hipsters love "authentic" accessorizing and this seems like an irresistible opportunity to finally wear some super cool "vintage" villain clothes à la Black Bart in "A Christmas Story:"

Then again, they were stealing bicycles, and riding in burglar clothes would have offended their sensibilities. I wish I had been present as they hatched styled the caper over $5 coffees on Valencia Street:

Burglar 1: "So what should we wear?"

Burglar 2: "Like, villain clothes, obviously."

Burglar 1: "But we can't ride in villain clothes. Will there be time to change into tight pants and cycling caps?"

Burglar 2: "Probably not. OK, let's just wear tight jeans and cycling caps then."

Burglar 1: "Can I at least wear a giant Chrome bag that says 'SWAG' on it?"

And so forth.

By the way, if you're wondering what the MASH store is, it is not a shop that sells action figures of B.J. Hunnicut, "Hot Lips" Houlihan, and Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger:

Rather, MASH is a fashionable bicycle-themed design concern that puts their "M" logo on Cinelli stuff and produces videos of themselves running lights while wearing backpacks:

("Out of the way! Can't you see I'm wearing a backpack!?!")

Anyway, a crime like this is not only a violation of the law, but it's also an egregious violation of the social contract. By charging extra for stuff with a logo on it, Companies like MASH provide an essential branding service in the hipster community, and when rogue hipsters refuse to pay a premium for this service it threatens to undermine the entire hipster economy. Worse even is the loss of trust, for the hipster community depends on its members constantly validating both themselves and each other. We can't have them regarding one another with suspicion. A house divided cannot stand--even if that house is in a fashionably distressed and rapidly gentrifying part of town.

By the way, while I may be making light of the theft, I certainly don't condone it. However, in the grand scheme of misfortune and injustice it is a fairly minor occurrence. Some broken glass, a missing fixie, a pair of fugitive hipsters bickering over which boutique hotel to hide out in and whether or not being "on the lam(b)" is technically vegan... Despite all this, life in San Francisco will continue on as it has for years: smugly, and with an overinflated sense of self-importance.

The truth is, there are places in the world where people are far more accustomed to hardship, and where tragedy is a way of life. Needless to say, I have never been anywhere near any of these places, but I do like to read about them in comfort and safety in magazines like the New Yorker:

In fact, I am currently reading the issue above, and in it is a very interesting article about cycling in Rwanda which looks like this when it's lying on my floor:

I haven't actually finished the article yet because my helper monkey, Vito, is reading it to me and he has an irritating tendency to get distracted by matters of simian onanism. However, I've been quite engrossed by it (though not as much as Vito can become engrossed by himself), and among the riders profiled in it is Gasore Hategeka:

Gasore Hategeka bought his first bicycle in 2008. It cost thirty-five thousand Rwandan francs, roughly sixty dollars. Gasore, who was about twenty years old, had worked for nearly half his life before he could afford it.

After buying the bike, he becomes a "taxi-biker," and eventually "Cat 6"es his way onto Team Rwanda under the tutelage of Jonathan Boyer. If nothing else, it serves to put all those "must-have upgrades" into perspective, and it's the sort of article that should be ready by every Fred who has so much as contemplated buying a $2,000 set of wheels. It's also a welcome respite from the idiotic musings of John Cassidy:

("I think, therefore I douche."--Douchecartes)

Speaking of fostering cycling, the National Interscholastic Cycling Association is in the midst of its "East Coast Outreach Tour:"

The goal, basically, is to make mountain biking a high school sport:

NICA’s mission is to bring the sport of mountain biking to high schools coast-to-coast by 2020, and a major step in that direction is the NICA East Coast Outreach Tour. Matt Fritzinger, NICA’s Founder and Executive Director, will be joined by our new Development Director, Ben Capron, for a 6-day whirlwind tour of the East Coast. Stops have been chosen because supporters there are already dreaming of a NICA league in their state – NICA wants to make that dream a reality!

Each stop will include an evening event, sponsored by a local organization, to include a presentation, Q&A, drinks and snacks. Come out and see what NICA is all about. Let’s bring NICA coast-to-coast!

Racing bicycles (albeit of the smaller-wheeled BMX variety) was very important to me in my youth. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it was something of a salvation--a life preserver that saved me from drowning in a sea of thick accents, thicker hair gels, and impossibly lavish Bar Mitzvahs. They may have it tough in Rwanda, but they know not the horrors of being trapped in a temple as an unironically bemulleted band belts out the greatest hits of the 1980s and aging garmentos dance to lukewarm renditions of "Celebration" by Kool & The Gang. Therefore, anything that makes bike racing more accessible to our youth and offers them an alternative pursuit is all right by me.

So get involved--because I won't, but I do like the idea of someone doing it for me.

But while I would love for cycling to become more mainstream, I still have my reservations about those tourist rental bikes with which the bridges are always teeming at this time of year--even if the bike rental facilities are staffed by "blond bearded dreamboats:"

Blond Bearded Dreamboat at Brooklyn Bridge Park bike rental stand - w4m - 28 (Brooklyn Bridge Park)
Date: 2011-07-06, 10:58AM EDT
Reply to:

I was all lost on my bike on a Sunday, so I went to the bike rental booth and asked your co-worker gal for a map and how to get to the Kent greenway...aka Williamsburg. She was all what do you mean yeah I have no idea because I live the opposite direction but this dude probably knows, he lives in Williamsburg. And you DID know, it was so helpful. I focused on your wonderful directions and I pretty much had them down UNTIL you like, smiled at me or like maybe slightly a little bit looked into my SOUL before I turned away to leave and oh my gosh you have blue eyes and wait a minute where am I oh yeah my bike I'm leaving now what was that?
So yeah, that was intense dude! Did you do that on purpose?

You live in Williamsburg. I live in Greenpoint! Email me! Let's go on a bike adventure!

ps your directions were totally helpful! Despite you having disoriented me with your all that soul-looking, I remembered them and totally made it home super easily. Thanks! I seriously would've been literally lost without you.

It's bad enough that most of the the people who rent these bikes can barely ride them, but it's even worse that some of the staff can't give directions from the Brooklyn Bridge to Williamsburg--and that those who can are lauded as heroes. Perhaps scariest of all though is that the person renting the bike is not a tourist and lives adjacent to Williamsburg in Greenpoint, yet can't find her way home. I mean, how did she get there in the first place?

She might as well just ride backwards for all the attention she's paying:

It's the new frontwards.

Innovation or Catastrophe? Scratching, Cradling, Sanding, and Beating Your Way to a "Better" Bike

The world, as we all know, is filled with idiots. This is particularly apparent if you travel by bicycle. The bicycle allows you to cover great distances, thus exposing you to a wide cross-section of idiocy. Also, because you are exposed and at street level, there is no barrier protecting you from that idiocy. While you can see idiocy from the window of a car, bus, or train, you don't also get to feel, touch, taste and smell idiocy like you can while on a bicycle. (If you're wondering, idiocy tastes metallic, with a hint of fruit.)

One of my favorite types of idiot is the "amateur traffic director." Occasionally, this idiot springs to action in the event of an emergency, such as a traffic accident or a power outage, and attempts to keep traffic moving until a "professional traffic director" (traffic cop) arrives. More often, though, the amateur traffic director simply takes it upon himself to halt traffic and route it around his idiot friend or co-worker who feels the need to perform an illegal operation with his vehicle.

I encountered one of these idiots just this morning. He was attempting to stop traffic on a busy downtown Brooklyn street during rush hour so his friend could make a u-turn in his Ford Explorer. As it happened, I was the first vehicle this amateur traffic director selected for stopping. He looked me dead in the eye, put one hand up in the universal "Halt!" gesture, and started waving his friend on with the other.

I could only laugh. I mean, come on. I don't even follow most traffic laws. What makes me think I'm going to stop for you? Maybe--maybe--you'd at least impart some authority if you were wearing a day-glo safety vest. Then I might be momentarily fooled into thinking you were stopping traffic for something important, like a giant hole into which I might fall if I kept going. But the only thing your outerwear conveyed was that you like the Giants, and I don't think "Stop! Giants fan!" has ever worked on anybody. It was kind of cute, though, and I've got to give you credit for trying.

But there are plenty of idiots on bikes, too. And when those idiots get angry at other idiots, things can get ugly. Over the weekend many readers forwarded me these controversial bar end plugs, which are apparently intended for keying cars:













I don't think these are really for sale, mostly because I couldn't find any indication anywhere of how to actually buy them (though I am, admittedly, an idiot). Maybe the weaponry experts at Competitive Cyclist can sell them along with the pepper spray. But if someone is attempting to actually market these, they're completely stupid for the following reasons:

--The people who go around scratching cars are the ones for whom everything is a subliminal act of revenge towards their parents, and for whom the phrase "One Less Car" excludes the Volkswagen Jetta they received as a present for graduating from Sarah Lawrence. And, as we all know, those sorts of people ride fixed-gears. And Sara Lawrence graduates who ride fixed-gears carry their keys on carabiners which hang from the waists of their snug jeans or capris, thus making them easily accessible for anti-bourgeois car-scratching adventures. There's simply no need for additional keys on the handlebars.

--Narrow bars are all the rage. Why would anybody add unsightly millimeters with these things?

--If you're running, rocking, or rubbing any other type of bar on your anti-bourgeois, car-scratching, "Screw you Mom and Dad!" bike these bar end plugs will be utterly useless. What good are they sticking out from the front of a pair of bullhorns, or from the ends of a pair of drop bars where they might stab you in the knees?

But perhaps the biggest problem with these keyed bar end plugs is the comic hijinx that would ensue if someone were to try and actually use them. I would love to see an enraged cyclist ride up to a car and attempt to run his handlebars along the side of it. As soon as the key snagged on a door handle or a gap between the panels the bike would immediately steer into the car and probably leave the rider splayed across the hood or roof. And even if the cyclist were able to scratch the car and remain upright, the kinds of people who scratch cars (see above) are not the kinds of people who fare well in physical altercations with enraged motorists whose cars they have just damaged. People in the throes of road rage generally don't stand there and wait for you to rummage around in your messenger bag for your can of pepper spray.

Speaking of messenger bags, if you're a diminutive urban cyclist prone to petty and juvenile acts of vandalism, VAGX is the bag for you:


I'd always thought VAGX was an over-the-counter topical cream used to treat labial swelling (similar to Univaga), but thanks to Prolly's blog I now know it's a brand of bag. VAGX bags come in lots of "colorways," which is what people who wear flat-brim caps call "colors," and they're very spacious, so rest assured that you can cram plenty of crap into your VAGX. Best of all, VAGX offers lots of "collabo" products. My deepest hope is that someone will resurrect the Dick Power marque and we'll one days see a "Dick Power X VAGX" bag. That would beat the hell out of plastic bar end plugs with key blanks stuck through them.

But until I can buy a Dick Power X VAGX bag, I guess I'm going to have to make do with a Shimano XTR hub. A reader forwarded me this link, and I was delighted to read that the XTR hub will actually "cradle the balls":



If you've been looking for an excuse to upgrade, here it is. The XTR hub is a huge step up from the XT model, which merely cups the balls, and a significant upgrade from the LX hub, which kind of mushes them. I don't even want to say what a Deore hub does to the balls, but suffice to say unless you want to replace your balls on a regular basis you're better off walking. Actually, you might as well put the balls in a vise. On the other hand, if you want to experience pure bliss, try adding the Shimano's Yumeya aftermarket kit. Suki desu ka? Hai, suki desu! The balls will say domo arigato gozaimasu.

But what do you do if you can't upgrade your hub to one that cradles the balls because you use an Aerospoke? Well, you can always get that magical tubular ride by grinding your rim down:







Front Aerospoke 700c non clincher, gloss black, MINT fixed gear/fixie - $245 (Union Square)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-01-22, 12:02PM EST

Im selling my new Front aerospoke. it is in MINT condition.

its a 700C that was originally a clincher, but i sanded it down, and had it professionally resprayed all black and then clear coated. there ones super tiny chip in the paint but its literally like brand new. super light wheel, hate to get rid of it but i need the money and its been to cold to enjoy my bike.

my cell is 973 [deleted] call / text me.

thanks, Mark

(pic is from when i had it mounted to my bike for a very short time, the sticker is no removed)

If you're unfamiliar with the technical magic behind the Aerospoke, it basically involves gluing a Velocity Aerohead rim to a composite wheel body. So to then take that Aerohead rim and sand it down in order to accept a tubular tire is an exceedingly stupid thing to do. (A process, I might add, which he reveals after asserting that the wheel is in MINT condition. I guess in Craigslist speak, "mint" means "severely compromised.") This might very well be the most dangerous front wheel in all of New York City, and the "Molotov" sticker on it is expecially fitting since it's liable to blow up at any time. Interestingly though, he doesn't say it's actually a "tubular" wheel now. He just says it's a "non clincher." Perhaps he's simply rubbing a wheelchair tire, like this guy:

(photo by Lilia of Velo Vogue)

I've come across the wheelchair wheel bike before, and I'm pleased to see it's still in service. In any case, whoever buys the sanded Aerospoke should have plenty of opportunity to experiment with wheelchair setup after that rim falls apart on the Williamsburg Bridge.

But when it comes to true mechanical innovation, you've got to go to Columbus, from whence a reader has forwarded me this:




parts off my 10 speed im converting to a fixxie - $1 (clintonville)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-01-25, 9:31AM EST

these parts came with a schwinn world sport that im using for a fixxie. i dont need the chain, deraleurs (shimano but im not sure what series),shifters, shifter cables, brakes( previous owner took them apart), one brake lever (i beat the other one off with a hammer), some loose berrings and a skewer or two.
i would like to get $1.99 out of the whole bag of junk...err..parts but i'm open to offers. i'm open to trades.. maybe a set of pedals, a couple boxes of mac and cheese,etc. really want these items and cant afford them? feel free to dig them out of my trash in the morning cause thats where they'll be if they dont sell today

I was particularly impressed by the fact that he "beat the other [brake lever] off with a hammer." That's a subtle technique. Coincidentally, "beating off with a hammer" is what it feels like to run/rock/rub a low-end hub. Yet another reason to step up to XTR.

Mused and Confused: Pondering the Nature of Cycling

Over the last few days I’ve received a couple of spirited and thought-provoking comments. There was this one from last Friday:

i love how you call out "lawyers, doctors, dentists" as if you are somehow above them because they may choose to ride a single speed or fixed gear bike and yet who are you to judge? some guy who sits behind his computer and rants the same shit everyday..."you're ruining my subculture, stop riding bianchi pistas!!!" if you're so offical why don't you stop bitching and spend less hours in front of computer and more on a bike. pathetic. btw, have some balls and post this.

And this one from yesterday:

BSNYC,

When exactly did you become so bitter? It seems as though everything and everyone annoys you in some way, shape, or form. I'd really enjoy your blog if you were just the slightest bit more positive, but I suppose that's what the whole snob part calls for. Oh well, who else would every disgruntled messenger and hipster turn to when they need their pretentious/I'm better than everyone except for my tight group of friends fix. You're a fine writer, far better than myself, but can you for just one day not check craigslist looking to make fun of someone? Something tells me you would never say such things to someone's face, and that's something you might want to consider.

Are they wrong? Certainly. Missing the point? Absolutely. Twisted maniacs? Very possibly. Even so, I’m a firm believer in using criticism in order to better yourself, and as such each of these comments prompted periods of introspection and soul-searching that lasted literally minutes. So instead, rather than criticize others, today I’d like to take some time to analyze the very nature of cycling itself. I hope you’ll bear with me today as I ponder the bigger questions:

What is Cycling?

Cycling is symmetry. D’uh. It’s a concert of balance, a harmony of tension and a symphony of opposing forces. This symmetry is evident in every aspect of the endeavor. Take for instance:

The Beauty of the Bicycle Wheel

The Uncanny Resemblance Between Dave Zabriskie and 80s Kevin Kline

Fred Rodriguez’s Ugly-Ass Uniform and The Thing

Furthermore, like yoga, asceticism, or curling on mescaline, cycling is a means by which we discover our true inner selves. Each bicycle journey, no matter how short, is also a journey within. If it wasn’t for cycling, would Lance Armstrong have discovered his acting prowess? Would Phil Liggett have become a coffee mogul? Would Mario Cipollini have been described as “flamboyant” and “charismatic” instead of simply being arrested for being a perverted freak in a catsuit? I too have learned volumes about myself from riding. For example, by mountain biking I’ve learned from my tendency to ride around obstacles instead of over them and from my technique of stopping, dismounting, and visually inspecting drop-offs before riding off of them that I am both lazy and cowardly. I’ve also learned by being dropped from races and rides of all kinds that I don’t like it when things get difficult, and that no matter what you’re doing you can always quit. And that is a beautiful lesson. Knowing that life itself is optional is the key to getting through it.

What is a Cyclist?

In the past I’ve made a distinction between the “cyclist” and the “guy on a bike.” The former is a type of person, while the second is a coincidence or a circumstance. My definition of “cyclist” is two-fold:

1) A “cyclist” rides a bike even when he or she does not have to.

Someone who rides out of necessity is not necessarily a cyclist. For example, the drunk driver who must cycle to work because his license has been taken away is not a cyclist. Nor is the delivery person who does not ride, look at, or think about his bicycle after hours or on days off. However, if you opt to ride a bicycle even when it is inconvenient to do so or you could be doing something else, then you’re probably a cyclist.

2) A “cyclist” is someone who owns a floor pump.

Owning things doesn’t make you a cyclist. Having clipless pedals, or training wheels, or a closet full of cycling attire doesn’t do it. Even owning a bike doesn’t necessarily do it. Hey, if you borrow a bike every time you want to ride you may very well still be a cyclist. However, if you don’t have a floor pump you’re not a cyclist. Using a mini pump or even a frame pump for home use shows a disturbing lack of commitment to proper inflationary technique. And relying on a local bike shop (or worse yet a gas station) for your air is like eating out every single day for your entire life—at Denny's.


Are Triathletes Cyclists?

This is one of those deeply profound questions, like “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” or “Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?” Yes, triathletes ride bikes, but they also swim and run and are generally weird. Well, in light of my definition of “cyclist” I think I have an answer. A triathlete is a cyclist provided he or she would still ride even if the cycling portion of triathlons was officially replaced with some other activity, such as rollerblading or curling while on mescaline. If in such a situation the triathlete says, “Hey, that sucks! Well forget triathlons, I’m going to keep riding,” then he or she is a cyclist. But if the triathlete immediately puts all his or her bike stuff on Craigslist and buys a big heavy rock, a broom, and some peyote, then he or she is just some freak in a half-shirt.

What is The Ideal Frame Material?

I suppose at this point you’re thinking I’m going to say that frame material is irrelevant, and that furthermore even the bike itself is secondary since anything that can carry you forth on a ride is more than sufficient. Unfortunately though that’s not the case.

The ideal frame material is a hybrid. The perfect frame would consist of a carbon downtube for lateral rigidity and vertical compliance, a titanium seat tube to cancel out road buzz, one steel seatstay and one aluminum seatstay (aluminum on the driveside), one titanium chainstay and one carbon fiber chainstay (carbon on the driveside), one iso-truss top tube with patented “Groin Gr8er” technology, and a bamboo fork to smooth the whole thing out. Riding a bike like this would be an explosive and orgasmic epiphany that would launch you straight to nirvana like a blissed-out circus freak being fired from a cannon.

Who is the Greatest Cyclist of All Time?

Dizz Hicks, due entirely to his brilliant “Flirtin’ With Dizzaster” ad campaign. “I am Specialized?” I don’t think so.

BSNYC ADD Time Capsule

I just excavated the time capsule I buried in the early 90s. Even though you should leave a time capsule in the ground long enough for a completely new generation to dig it up and appreciate it, I didn’t have the patience, hence the “ADD.” I pulled out some interesting stuff, including a Mavic Zap group, one of those stupid split-downtube Colnago Bititans, a Rock Shox Roubaix road suspension fork, and a whole slew of machined mountain bike components in an assortment of anodized rainbow colors.

So now it’s time to fill it back up and bury again, which I’ll do over the weekend. Here are some of the things I’m putting inside:

A Track Wheelset With Lime-Green Velocity Deep-V Rims
We should all have a good laugh when we pull these things out 10 years from now. “God, remember when people actually used to ride these things?” At least we’ll be able to unlace the wheels and re-use the hubs. Unless the whole thing boomerangs on us and they’ve gone retro-chic by then. I guess we won’t be laughing in that case.

A Picture of a Guy With a Beard

A lot of the guys who ride lime-green Velocitys also have beards. This picture will allow us to fondly recall a time when people wanted to look like the evil Russian guy in “American Flyers.”

A Set of Dura-Ace Triple Road Cranks

The compact revolution has allowed thousands of road cyclists to dispense with their ungainly triple cranksets. Sure, on the road you still need the wide range of the triple for applications like touring, but the days of the race-level triple are surely numbered. So it should be fun to see this thing in 10 years. We can reminisce about a time when heavyset riders made rationalizations like, “Well, Roberto Heras used one on the Angliru.”

Roberto Heras

Remember that guy?

A Whole Bunch of 10-Speed Road Cassettes

This is more of an investment than anything else. I figure I can sell these for a whole lot of money to the retrogrouches who refuse to upgrade to 14-speed.

A Whole Bunch of Chris King Headsets

Another financial investment. Regardless of whether they're worth the price, nothing inside our outside of cycling holds its value like these things. This is not an endorsement, it's just a fact. You can’t even get a used one cheap on eBay. I’ve tracked the retail price of these things over the years against the price of gold and the indices of all the world's stock markets and believe me when I say they offer a better return than any of them. As long as Mr. King successfully continues his anti-integrated headset scare tactics I’m putting all my money in his headsets.

A Mountain Bike With 26-Inch Wheels and Rim Brakes

It may be that when we wheel this thing out we’ll all ride around on our disc brake equipped 29ers or 650Bers or whatever other size they come up with, laughing at this primitive machine with its diminutive wheels. Or there may have been a nuclear apocalypse, in which case hopefully I’ll be alive to ride it over miles and miles of scorched earth, having a great time regardless of wheel size.

A Pair of Tubeless Road Wheels

“What’s that, Grandpa?”

“Why, it’s a set of tubeless road wheels.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, it means you don’t need to use an inner tube.”

“Oh. Well, why did they think that was a good idea on a road bike?”

“I don’t know, Grandson. I don’t know.”

It's All in the Details: Plush Toys

Like it or not, cycling sometimes involves discomfort. More and more people seem to be coming to the sport with the misapprehension that cycling should be a completely pain-free activity. But whether you’re racing, touring, or commuting, it just isn’t. It is difficult physically, it exposes the rider to the elements, and the fundamental design of the machine can only offer so much in the way of comfort.

There’s a pill or a product to soften the sharp edges of just about every aspect of life, so naturally people assume that it is their birthright to be pain-free. The cycling industry has been more than happy to validate this assumption and offers an array of products and services for the rider who wants to buy his way to bliss.

But I’m here to tell you that cycling hurts. Sure, you can and should mitigate the discomfort, but riding a bicycle just isn’t driving a Cadillac. Here are some areas where I think we’re just going too far:

Professional Bike Fitting

Proper fit is the most important consideration when buying a bicycle. It’s more important that frame material, component choice, brand, color, or warranty. And given the low margins on bicycles for bike shops, it benefits both the rider and the shop to offer bike fitting services.

But come on, you don’t always have to take the day off work and spend it riding a fit cycle while a shop employee aims a laser pointer at you. Not everybody needs to play Johan and Levi in the wind tunnel. A decent shop will get you well in the ballpark in fairly short order, and you’ll learn a lot more spending a leisurely Saturday morning riding around the local loop with an allen key, having an open and earnest dialogue with your soft-and-delicates.

Custom Frames

Cyclists love to convince themselves that they need things. When titanium bikes came out people rationalized buying them by saying, “Titanium lasts forever. This is the last bike I’ll ever buy.” Oh, yeah, right. How many roadies are still out there pushing their old Litespeeds? Some of those things had one-inch headtubes, for chrissakes! You can’t be competitive on anything less than 1 1/8th!

There’s a similar rationale for ordering a custom frame. In addition to “It’s the last bike I’ll ever buy,” there’s also “It fits me perfectly—nothing beats a custom frame,” and “I need custom geometry to be completely comfortable.”

Hey, who doesn’t want a custom frame? But at least be honest. Unless you have the physique of something that should be behind glass at the Museum of Natural History, you can probably obtain a perfect fit pretty easily with a stock bike. So when you roll up on that new Seven, at least be honest and say, “I want to look and feel special and be envied by my fellow riders.” Not, “Yeah, I just couldn’t get comfortable without a 56.67892 centimeter top tube.”

Saddles

If you’ve ever spent any time in a bike shop, you’ve probably seen a lot of people come in and complain about saddle discomfort—especially after all that publicity about cycling and impotence a few years back, which convinced the public that so much as looking at a bicycle saddle was tantamount to castration.

Yes, you should not be experiencing severe pain or numbness. But instead of running right out and buying a $200 saddle with all kinds of exotic materials, cutouts, nylon bushings, and vents to cool your crotch (my personal favorite)--or, even worse, going the other direction and bolting a toilet seat to your post--take the time to experiment with saddle position.

And more importantly, understand that a saddle is not a desk chair. Your hands and feet should also be supporting some of your weight. And—I cannot stress this enough—move occasionally! Stand up once in awhile! It’s a bike, not a car! You don’t just plop your ass down on it and sit there in perfect comfort. If it helps, don’t think of it as a saddle—think of it as more of a butt rest. Kind of like a lectern—something to lean on, but not meant for reclining.

And yes, believe it or not, back when there were only a few models of saddles to choose from cyclists were actually able to procreate. Somehow the pros still manage to have children, and I’ve never seen one using one of those horrendous porta-potty things.

Suspension

Suspension on mountain bikes has come a long way, and there is definitely certain terrain where a good front (and even rear) suspension will give you better performance.

But—and this is hard for a lot of people to believe—it is still actually possible to ride a rigid bicycle on an unpaved surface. In fact, there are a lot of places where it’s actually preferable. If you’ve ever watched somebody on silky-smooth, flowing singletrack bobbing up and down on a long-travel bicycle like a kid on one of those horse-on-a-spring things they have in front of the supermarket, you know what I mean. I’m talking about the type of rider that spins up a tiny incline in the granny gear and then falls over onto his camelbak like an overworked mule.

I’m not saying suspension doesn’t have its place. I’m just saying think about where you’re going to be doing most of your riding. If the biggest drop you’re going to encounter on your ride is the one from the running board of your SUV, you may not need the long-travel double-boinger.

Suspension on Road Bikes

Never. Never, never, never. Have we learned nothing?

Vibration-Damping Gew-Gaws and Doo-Dads

I mentioned the $20 Bontrager bar plugs in a previous post. A similar product is Specialized’s Zertz. Do they work? I don’t know, maybe they do. Or maybe it’s the fact that the bike has a longer wheelbase and more relaxed geometry.

Before you get taken in by miracle polymers, consider that some bikes actually have comfort inherent in their design. Learn a little bit about geometry. Also learn about tires. Lowing your pressure or going up in width is often all you need.

If those don’t work, though, I can think of a place to stick those Bontrager plugs that will really smooth out that ride. Hint—it’s the same place they pulled the design out from in the first place.

Freakish Kludges

Not only do people think they should be able to buy a pain-free ride—they also think they should be able to ride a bike completely ill-suited to their physique or riding style because they like the way it looks.

Take the middle-aged guy I saw in the park the other day riding a Fuji Track Pro in sneakers with one of those heads-up stem adapter things. Uh, perhaps the aluminum purpose-built race bike with the really low head-tube is not for you. Yes, road and track bikes are cool, but they’re not for everyone. Three words: http://www.rivbike.com/. The same goes for every guy riding a Madone with a vertical stem and about 500 spacers under it.

I mean, if I want a family car, I can’t buy a Porsche, right? Oh, yeah, I guess I can. Oh, well, I guess nobody should ever have to compromise.