Mused and Confused: Pondering the Nature of Cycling

Over the last few days I’ve received a couple of spirited and thought-provoking comments. There was this one from last Friday:

i love how you call out "lawyers, doctors, dentists" as if you are somehow above them because they may choose to ride a single speed or fixed gear bike and yet who are you to judge? some guy who sits behind his computer and rants the same shit everyday..."you're ruining my subculture, stop riding bianchi pistas!!!" if you're so offical why don't you stop bitching and spend less hours in front of computer and more on a bike. pathetic. btw, have some balls and post this.

And this one from yesterday:

BSNYC,

When exactly did you become so bitter? It seems as though everything and everyone annoys you in some way, shape, or form. I'd really enjoy your blog if you were just the slightest bit more positive, but I suppose that's what the whole snob part calls for. Oh well, who else would every disgruntled messenger and hipster turn to when they need their pretentious/I'm better than everyone except for my tight group of friends fix. You're a fine writer, far better than myself, but can you for just one day not check craigslist looking to make fun of someone? Something tells me you would never say such things to someone's face, and that's something you might want to consider.

Are they wrong? Certainly. Missing the point? Absolutely. Twisted maniacs? Very possibly. Even so, I’m a firm believer in using criticism in order to better yourself, and as such each of these comments prompted periods of introspection and soul-searching that lasted literally minutes. So instead, rather than criticize others, today I’d like to take some time to analyze the very nature of cycling itself. I hope you’ll bear with me today as I ponder the bigger questions:

What is Cycling?

Cycling is symmetry. D’uh. It’s a concert of balance, a harmony of tension and a symphony of opposing forces. This symmetry is evident in every aspect of the endeavor. Take for instance:

The Beauty of the Bicycle Wheel

The Uncanny Resemblance Between Dave Zabriskie and 80s Kevin Kline

Fred Rodriguez’s Ugly-Ass Uniform and The Thing

Furthermore, like yoga, asceticism, or curling on mescaline, cycling is a means by which we discover our true inner selves. Each bicycle journey, no matter how short, is also a journey within. If it wasn’t for cycling, would Lance Armstrong have discovered his acting prowess? Would Phil Liggett have become a coffee mogul? Would Mario Cipollini have been described as “flamboyant” and “charismatic” instead of simply being arrested for being a perverted freak in a catsuit? I too have learned volumes about myself from riding. For example, by mountain biking I’ve learned from my tendency to ride around obstacles instead of over them and from my technique of stopping, dismounting, and visually inspecting drop-offs before riding off of them that I am both lazy and cowardly. I’ve also learned by being dropped from races and rides of all kinds that I don’t like it when things get difficult, and that no matter what you’re doing you can always quit. And that is a beautiful lesson. Knowing that life itself is optional is the key to getting through it.

What is a Cyclist?

In the past I’ve made a distinction between the “cyclist” and the “guy on a bike.” The former is a type of person, while the second is a coincidence or a circumstance. My definition of “cyclist” is two-fold:

1) A “cyclist” rides a bike even when he or she does not have to.

Someone who rides out of necessity is not necessarily a cyclist. For example, the drunk driver who must cycle to work because his license has been taken away is not a cyclist. Nor is the delivery person who does not ride, look at, or think about his bicycle after hours or on days off. However, if you opt to ride a bicycle even when it is inconvenient to do so or you could be doing something else, then you’re probably a cyclist.

2) A “cyclist” is someone who owns a floor pump.

Owning things doesn’t make you a cyclist. Having clipless pedals, or training wheels, or a closet full of cycling attire doesn’t do it. Even owning a bike doesn’t necessarily do it. Hey, if you borrow a bike every time you want to ride you may very well still be a cyclist. However, if you don’t have a floor pump you’re not a cyclist. Using a mini pump or even a frame pump for home use shows a disturbing lack of commitment to proper inflationary technique. And relying on a local bike shop (or worse yet a gas station) for your air is like eating out every single day for your entire life—at Denny's.


Are Triathletes Cyclists?

This is one of those deeply profound questions, like “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” or “Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?” Yes, triathletes ride bikes, but they also swim and run and are generally weird. Well, in light of my definition of “cyclist” I think I have an answer. A triathlete is a cyclist provided he or she would still ride even if the cycling portion of triathlons was officially replaced with some other activity, such as rollerblading or curling while on mescaline. If in such a situation the triathlete says, “Hey, that sucks! Well forget triathlons, I’m going to keep riding,” then he or she is a cyclist. But if the triathlete immediately puts all his or her bike stuff on Craigslist and buys a big heavy rock, a broom, and some peyote, then he or she is just some freak in a half-shirt.

What is The Ideal Frame Material?

I suppose at this point you’re thinking I’m going to say that frame material is irrelevant, and that furthermore even the bike itself is secondary since anything that can carry you forth on a ride is more than sufficient. Unfortunately though that’s not the case.

The ideal frame material is a hybrid. The perfect frame would consist of a carbon downtube for lateral rigidity and vertical compliance, a titanium seat tube to cancel out road buzz, one steel seatstay and one aluminum seatstay (aluminum on the driveside), one titanium chainstay and one carbon fiber chainstay (carbon on the driveside), one iso-truss top tube with patented “Groin Gr8er” technology, and a bamboo fork to smooth the whole thing out. Riding a bike like this would be an explosive and orgasmic epiphany that would launch you straight to nirvana like a blissed-out circus freak being fired from a cannon.

Who is the Greatest Cyclist of All Time?

Dizz Hicks, due entirely to his brilliant “Flirtin’ With Dizzaster” ad campaign. “I am Specialized?” I don’t think so.

Cycling Jeans: They're Pant-tastic!

Recently a reader alerted me to the Self Edge x Iron Heart Cycling Jean. As all fashion-conscious cyclists know, it's about the attire, not the tire. Furthermore, when it comes to cycling clothing, there are two things you can't put a price on: comfort and style. Despite that, these guys have gone ahead and put one on anyway, and it's $360.

From what I can tell, the chief advantages of these jeans for cyclists is that they're tapered so they will stay out of your drive train, the rear pocket accommodates a U-lock, and there's a place on the waist to hang your keys. I was surprised to hear people were having trouble in these areas with their existing jeans since it already describes just about every fixed-gear rider I see, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Personally, I'd think a crotchal wedge of some kind to prevent riders from slipping off the nose of their forward-angled saddles would be a more attractive design feature, but what do I know?

Now, you might think that the cycling world needs these jeans about as much as it needs another bottom bracket standard. But like cycling components, you shouldn't worry about how well it works. You should worry about how long it will stay cool. And, more importantly, you should also think long and hard about whether there's some "old school" vintage alternative you might be able to buy on eBay to get more street cred.


Just check out the jean model. He's asking himself three important things: 1) Where the hell is my bike?; 2) Could I possibly be wearing cooler pants?; and 3) If so what are they? Of course, the answer to the first question is, "It's gone, because you were dumb enough to lock it to a chainlink fence." And the answers to the second and third questions are "yes," and "these:"

That's right. Just as BMXs are the new fixed-gears, it follows that BMX pants are the new cycling jean.

Tapered? Check. Tough and durable? Check. High in the back, low in the front? Double check. Radiating throbbing waves of 80s chic? Check mate. And best of all, they're even cheaper than the cycling jeans. These babies just sold on eBay for a low, low $206.49!

I for one look forward to a day when our cities' trendier neighborhoods are full of the whoosh-woosh-woosh of inner-thigh friction, like a Weight Watcher's convention with a corduroy dress code.

Velo Darwinism: The Evolution of the Top Tube Pad

Yesterday's post prompted a number of comments about top tube pads. Along with the front Aerospoke, the top tube pad has come to symbolize the more vain aspects of the fixed-gear trend. So much so, in fact, that there is now a backlash, as evidenced by this listserv post which was forwarded to me by a reader recently:


Someone put a cigarette butt out on my frame pad.


Last night at BAR. I hope for the sake of New Haven's burgeoning and welcoming "cycling community",that this wasn't an act performed by someone I know. Because I have to look down at that whenever I'm riding now, and know that someone in this world is a selfish dick who isn't down with OPP. However, when you see people fucking with other people's shit as a joke, and then your shit gets fucked with, the pranksters are the easiest and first to blame.


While such a backlash is inevitable, acts of top tube pad violence are totally inexcusable. Before hating, I think it's important we try to understand the origins of the top tube pad, as well as its functions. Based on feedback from readers over the past few months, it would seem the main purposes behind the top tube pad are as follows:


--Protects the frame when locking bicycle to a pole
--Protects the top tube from getting dinged by handlebars (in the same manner as, though distinct from, a top tube protector)
--Protects the groin and inner thigh when skidding
--Protects the frame when resting mallet on it during bike polo matches
--Is aesthetically pleasing to certain people


Okay. But where did top tube pads start, and how did they go from being functional add-ons to being accessories? Admittedly, I still have a lot to learn, but here's what I've uncovered so far. Any feedback is welcome and appreciated.



The obvious common ancestor of the top tube pad as we know it and hate it is the BMX pad. Rules required that top tubes, stems, and handlebars had to be padded during races, presumably so that young racers would one day grow up and be able to reproduce. In this prescient photo, however, only the top tube is padded.




The top tube pad proved to be quite adaptable, and was able to evolve to accommodate a number of unorthodox frame designs. It is most likely this adaptability which made its longevity as a species possible, and which is why it is still so common today.




But what about the crucial leap from BMXs to adult bikes, and particularly fixed-gears? It has been suggested that today's top tube pad has its origins in the messenger community. Messengers have always wrapped their frames in inner-tubes or tape to both protect them and disguise their manufacturers. But was it a messenger who first made this leap from wrapping to padding?


This amazing photo, which I uncovered while Googling in a pith helmet, could very well be the missing link between BMX top tube pads and adult top tube pads. The neon knickers and jacket, mullet, and aero water bottle indicate that this man lived sometime during the late 1980s or early 1990s. And if you'll look closely, you'll see that the top tube is either wrapped or padded, though it is difficult to tell exactly which. The downtube, however, remains bare.

It should be noted though that there are also some things about this photo which indicate it may be a hoax. For example, why would a messenger choose road shoes and pedals? And aren't the Campy components a bit lavish for a work bike? Scholars will no doubt debate the validity of this photo for years to come. Some day, maybe we'll know for sure whether this is in fact Lucy, or Piltdown Man.




Regardless, at some point somebody made the decision to use a top tube pad on an adult bike. But was it a messenger? This photo indicates it was. The pad is clearly a BMX top tube pad (as evidenced by its length) that has been retrofitted to an adult bike. And the Wings of Hermes would imply that this bicycle belongs to a messenger. However, there is the question of the date. While the Rolls is an older saddle, the "One More Bike" sticker is an evolution of the "One Less Car" sticker, indicating the vintage of the bike may be more recent. Still, the value of the photograph is indisputable--somewhere, at some point, a messenger decided to use a BMX pad on his or her bike.

But when did people start manufacturing and selling top tube pads for adult use? A commenter yesterday claims that "the first TTp i ever saw was fashioned by Cory Bennion of DANK bags in Seattle....i am gonna say it was at least in 2000." She further elaborated that the top tube pad not only protects the bike, but is useful in cyclocross as well to protect the shoulder. This is interesting. Did the first purpose-built adult top tube pad originate in the Pacific Northwest? Was cyclocross somehow involved? And does it relate in any way to these weird cyclocross shoulder slings I always see on eBay, though I've never actually seen one being used in cyclocross? Or is the shoulder sling simply a mutant, an evolutionary eddy that leads nowhere? Like so many questions concerning top tube pads, we may never have an answer.

But one thing is certain. Top tube pads became fashionable. The famous Cyndi Lauper bike gives every indication that the owner chose the top tube pad as much for aesthetic reasons as for practical purposes. And its reasonable to surmise that this fashion came from the messenger community, as the popularity of messenger bags, fixed-gears, and front Aerospokes owes much to them. Therefore it stands to reason the top tube pad would come to be similarly embraced--and embellished--as well.

And evidence remains that they continue to be employed by messengers. The STI lever shape and outboard bearing crank place this messenger squarely in our present day.

(At least, I think it's a messenger. So hard to tell these days...)

And what of tomorrow? Well, this new offering from Felt, as seen at Interbike, should help provide an answer. (Thanks to the reader who forwarded this.) Like the BMX pads of yesteryear, they will now be sold as integral parts of the bike. We have come, for better or for worse, full circle.

Worst of NYC Craigslist Bike Ads #3 and #4

This first one's not about the bike. It's the approach I can't get past. The second one is just all bad.

AWESOME BIANCHI BIKE - $300 (Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/359639365.html)

Reply to: [deleted]: 2007-06-25, 3:45AM EDT

A bike is a lot like a car except it has only two wheels, no extra passengers, no stereo, no exhaust system, no parking tickets, no moving it every morning so you don’t get parking tickets, no insurance, no expense in money or time to pump dead dinosaur liquid that props up corrupt Middle-Eastern autocracies and their Western petro-chemical partners in grime, no digging it out in winter, no accumulation of fat on your ass and stomach from sitting in it, and no sneers from investment bankers who have nicer cars. Also, it is nothing like a car.

Awesome bike. Vintage high performance. Bianchi brand. Super light. Rides like a cream-dream. Seriously nice bike. Not ridden for a while, but in great shape. Tires need air, but otherwise good to go. Buy it. Ride it. Feel the wind in your hair. Be free again. See the city at a different speed, while simultaneously putting your foot up the ass of the automotive industry. Pretend you’re a bike messenger. Everyone thinks they’re sexy. $300 or best offer

Selling a bike is one thing. Trying to sell someone on the entire concept of cycling in order to sell your bike is another. That's just creating way too much work for yourself. I suspect this guy is more hopeful that someone will find him charming and email him for a date than he is hopeful that someone will buy his bike. Which is fine. But that's what the personals are for.

Vintage Haro - totally rad. - $100 (Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/360243003.html)

Reply to: [deleted]: 2007-06-25, 8:00PM EDTA super cool Vintage Haro. Mostly original. Missing back wheel. (really easy to replace) 45" adapter chain ring. Could use a bath and possibly removal of some angsty stickers (3). Must pick up in Red Hook. $100 firm.

OK, next time you go back home to Ohio and visit your parents, try to dig that rear wheel up. You might just find someone dumb enough to buy this thing. (By the way, I used to ride BMX and actually owned a Haro in the 80s. I don't remember them ever being this ugly. Rebadged Huffy? I'll defer to the BMXperts out there.)

Fixedgeargallery...of terror.

I think fixedgeargallery.com is great. People enjoy browsing it (me included), and it inspires people to learn to build bikes and post their own creations, of which they are often quite touchingly proud.

That said, here's a batch that pissed me off:

(URL: http://www.fixedgeargallery.com/2007/june/2/TyrelMears.htm)

For the most part, this is a perfectly nice road-going fixie, which is why the problems with it are so glaring. The forward-angled tri post is offensive--there is plenty of seat rail to run a straight post and maintain the same saddle position. Also, I'd give the bullhorns a pass if it wasn't for the awful brake lever placement. Take a look at a TT bike and position the lever properly.

(URL: http://www.fixedgeargallery.com/2007/june/2/sma_uci.htm)

There is no god that would allow this to happen, and therefore I conclude that there is no God.

(URL: http://www.fixedgeargallery.com/2007/june/2/AndrewMahon.htm)

As much as I detest top-tube pads, here's a bike that actually needs one. How else to protect the rider's genitals from their inevitable slide down this drastically-angled saddle? This bicycle is not straddled by the crotch of a human. A centaur rider, perhaps?

(URL: http://www.fixedgeargallery.com/2007/june/2/Ask77@Libero.It.htm)

In a previous post, I speculated that the BMX might be a logical successor to the track bike's Mantel of Trendiness, to which an insightful commenter replied, "Vintage bmx is the new white pleather rocker belt." As if to prove the sagacity of this comes this gag-inducing entry. Maybe there is a God, because this is in Italy, where I will hopefully never, ever see it.

What Will Be the Next Trendy Bike?

Obviously the undisputed trendy bike of the moment is the track bike. However, it's becoming abundantly clear that they are jumping the shark. They've been written up in just about every mainstream news publication, and even your average sedentary middle-aged non-cyclist equates "hipsters" and "those bikes with no brakes."

Certainly with this kind of attention the young and trendy must be scrambling to find a new bike to not ride, and if I were in the bicycle business I'd be racking my brains over what that might be. Here are just a few possible candidates:

Cyclocross Bikes

Cyclocross is becoming more and more popular in the US every year. Not surprising, since it's possibly the coolest form of bicycle racing ever, and one of the few that's even fun for spectators. But will 'cross bikes become hip?

Pros: Cool-looking, fast, versatile, single-speed friendly (Bianchi offers a pre-built singlespeed 'cross bike, so there you go) and offered by major manufacturers and boutique builders alike

Cons: Somewhat practical, which means you might actually have to ride the thing

BMX Bikes

I'm already seeing plenty of 20-somethings riding 20-inch-wheeled BMXs around the trendier neighborhoods, spun out at 7 miles per hour and kneeing themselves in the chins with each pedal stroke. But is this the new black?

Pros: Relatively inexpensive, single-speed, complements the skater/urban aesthetic, completely ill-suited for commuting and urban transportation outside of a two-mile radius

Cons: The embarassment when some 16-year old shows you up in front of your girlfriend

Old Road Bikes

The old road frame with horizontal dropouts has long been the standard for fixed-gear conversion. But inevitably, some fashion victim has got to realize, "Hey, this thing's pretty cool as it is!" before he strips the thing (or pays a shop to do it). And who knows--maybe the people introduced to cycling by the fixed gear fad may actually discover they like to ride and seek out a bike with gears for longer jaunts.

Pros: Appealingly "vintage," can be had cheap, lots of people have the parts left over from their conversions

Cons: Obtaining information and parts can lead you into a strange, creepy, unhip and unappealing world of retro-grouchery and extremely long headtubes

Tall Bikes

These stupid things can be seen being ridden by smelly squatters who do stuff like joust on them.

Pros: Already a fixture of the trendier neighborhoods, aren't these things ripe for mainstream appropriation?

Cons: Even the most determined fad-monger has to admit these things are completely ridiculous (not to mention impossible to get into an apartment)

Unicycles

Fixed gear, no brakes!

Pros: Leaves hands free for juggling

Cons: No NJS unicycles...