Freds Like US

All great empires fall eventually, undone by unsustainable expansion, rebellion, or their own hubris:

(Dickus's inability to quell the unruly mob at Brian's crucifixion signaled the beginning of the end of the Roman empire.)

Given this, it was only a matter of time until the United States would meet a similar fate.  But what would be the final bolt in the faceplate?  The Trump administration?  The opioid epidemic?  A sudden realization among cats that they outnumber us and can overpower us at any time?

Hardly.

No, in the end, the history books will talk of how what was once the greatest democracy the world had ever seen was ultimately brought down by Freds:

Sensitive information about the location and staffing of military bases and spy outposts around the world has been revealed by a fitness tracking company.

The details were released by Strava in a data visualisation map that shows all the activity tracked by users of its app, which allows people to record their exercise and share it with others.

The map, released in November 2017, shows every single activity ever uploaded to Strava – more than 3 trillion individual GPS data points, according to the company. The app can be used on various devices including smartphones and fitness trackers like Fitbit to see popular running routes in major cities, or spot individuals in more remote areas who have unusual exercise patterns.

Those of us old enough to remember the Cold War were raised on tales of espionage in which spies monitored each other's movements by means of tracking devices.  Now, it turns out we're all just wearing the tracking devices ourselves.  Whereas once an operative might have had to crawl under a car and affix some sort of magnetic homing beacon, now all they have to do is give their subject a crabon road bike, making that Cipollini video from some years back oddly prescient:

Even more incredibly, you may be able to thank Freds for finally proving the existence of aliens:

Outside direct conflict zones, potentially sensitive information can still be gleaned. For instance, a map of Homey Airport, Nevada – the US Air Force base commonly known as Area 51 – records a lone cyclist taking a ride from the base along the west edge of Groom Lake, marked on the heatmap by a thin red line.

Some of the photos on that guy's feed are super creepy:

It's common knowledge among conspiracy Freds that the US government has identified an alloy from a downed alien spacecraft that will yield frames of heretofore unimaginable lateral strength and vertical compliance.  As it turns out however, the aliens themselves are total retrogrouches, which is why Grant Petersen has a secret government contract to design a lug that will work with this interstellar tubing.

And you thought the Strava heat map was only good for finding those secret mountain bike spots.

Speaking of riding all-terrain bicycles, last Friday I headed out on Ol' Piney, which is of course the only bike I'll be riding this year (apart from the wooden bike, and the Yuba I'm testing, and...):

Being utterly self-absorbed I don't help maintain the trails I ride, so I figure the very least I can do is stay off of them when they're muddy.  We've had some warm days recently, but Friday was cold, so I knew things should be as firm as Cipollini's abdomen.  Unfortunately others had not been so considerate, and the trails were covered with frozen ruts, rendering them as bumpy and craggy as, well, Cipollini's abdomen:

It seems fairly simple to me: when you get a freakishly warm day in January go for a road ride, and when it's really cold out go for a mountain bike ride where you'll stay warm and protected from the wind.  Unfortunately the fair-weather mountain bros don't see it that way and the more scrupulous among us have to ride over their mess.  Then on my way home, I came across this:

Presumably on a warmer day this savvy driver ventured onto the trail when it was nice and soft thanks to all that melted snow and got stuck:

This particular trail happens to be a state park, and of course motor vehicles are not allowed on it, but I'm sure he was on urgent park business for the city of Yonkers:

Looks like he's got some violations in the City of New York as well:

And hey, whaddya know, that speeding violation was in front of my kid's school.

Prick.

I may have to go back there and see if I can ride Ol' Piney over it.

Finally, you'll be pleased to know the Yuba Supermarché continues to be fun for the whole family:

Kiddie seats are great, but if you've got the space to store a barge like this there's nothing more convenient than letting your kids hop in and out of a large box.