Once Upon A Time...

Recently a reader forwarded me an excerpt from this children's book:

Which implicates riding without helmets in the extinction of the dinosaurs:

On the surface this is just harmless whimsy, but the underlying message is clear: helmetless fun equals death.  This has inspired me to write my own children's book.  After all, using allegory and heavy-handed morality to promote your own agenda is the basis of all great children's literature (I'm looking at you, C.S. Lewis!), and I want in.  So here goes:

Once upon a time, there were these creatures called dinosaurs:

Dinosaurs ruled the Earth, and Jesus put them there to punish the Jews for not believing in Him:

The battle raged long and hard, but eventually the Jews won and the dinosaurs died out, which is how the international Jewish conspiracy was born:

Alas, all seemed lost, but the Lord works in mysterious ways, and after the dinosaurs died they gave humankind the greatest gift of all:

Oil!

Yes, all the little critters love frolicking in oil:

But oil's not just for playing.  It also makes your family's car go, go, GO!!!

Plus, we make all kinds of cool stuff out of oil.  Handy plastic bags:

Pretty nail polish:

And fun sports balls are all made from petroleum:

And yeah, let's not forget the tires on those eco-friendly bicycles:

(#whatsmugnessyourunning)

But maybe the most fun thing we can make from oil are those fun foam hats mom and dad make you wear whenever you get near anything with wheels (except for the car, go figure):

Yep, that's right, you're wearing a dinosaur on your head!  How cool is that?

You should always, always, ALWAYS wear a helmet when riding your bicycle.  After all, bicycles are the leading cause of injury to children, right after motor vehicle crashes...and suffocation...and drowning...and poisoning...and burns...and falls...

(But it doesn't have wheels, so how can it be dangerous?)

...actually, I don't see bicycles anywhere on that list, but that doesn't mean it's okay to ride a bicycle without wearing a helmet.  Why?  Because I said so, that's why.  So before you get on your bike, stop, and put on your helmet:

Again, stop, and put on your helmet:

One more time, because it's really important:

STOP...

And put on your helmet.

See that?  Now you're getting the message!  Well, at least you're getting the STOP part, which is why in 1969 48% of kids like you rode bikes to school, but by 2009 only 13% of you did:

Instead, your parents take you to school in the car, where you're safe:

And where you make it more difficult for that remaining 13% to continue riding to school, while at the same time generally fomenting a toxic storm of negative emotion that follows you for the rest of the day:

In a recent study by British insurance company Allianz, more than 1,000 parents were surveyed for their levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, as they did their school day morning routine. Levels peaked just before leaving the house to drive to school, at around 8:15 a.m. each morning, researchers found. And the impact of the school run stress stays with parents well into the day. Also, nearly 25 percent of parents surveyed said that morning drop off stress sets their mood for the day — good or bad.

And that's why your bicycle helmet is destroying humanity and the planet.

DISCLAIMER: Oil doesn't actually come from dinosaurs, it comes from marine organisms that lived long before the dinosaurs.  All the stuff about the Judeo-Dino War is totally true though.