Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Once Upon A Time...

Recently a reader forwarded me an excerpt from this children's book:


Which implicates riding without helmets in the extinction of the dinosaurs:


On the surface this is just harmless whimsy, but the underlying message is clear: helmetless fun equals death.  This has inspired me to write my own children's book.  After all, using allegory and heavy-handed morality to promote your own agenda is the basis of all great children's literature (I'm looking at you, C.S. Lewis!), and I want in.  So here goes:


Once upon a time, there were these creatures called dinosaurs:


Dinosaurs ruled the Earth, and Jesus put them there to punish the Jews for not believing in Him:


The battle raged long and hard, but eventually the Jews won and the dinosaurs died out, which is how the international Jewish conspiracy was born:



Alas, all seemed lost, but the Lord works in mysterious ways, and after the dinosaurs died they gave humankind the greatest gift of all:

Oil!


Yes, all the little critters love frolicking in oil:


But oil's not just for playing.  It also makes your family's car go, go, GO!!!


Plus, we make all kinds of cool stuff out of oil.  Handy plastic bags:


Pretty nail polish:


And fun sports balls are all made from petroleum:


And yeah, let's not forget the tires on those eco-friendly bicycles:



But maybe the most fun thing we can make from oil are those fun foam hats mom and dad make you wear whenever you get near anything with wheels (except for the car, go figure):


Yep, that's right, you're wearing a dinosaur on your head!  How cool is that?


You should always, always, ALWAYS wear a helmet when riding your bicycle.  After all, bicycles are the leading cause of injury to children, right after motor vehicle crashes...and suffocation...and drowning...and poisoning...and burns...and falls...


...actually, I don't see bicycles anywhere on that list, but that doesn't mean it's okay to ride a bicycle without wearing a helmet.  Why?  Because I said so, that's why.  So before you get on your bike, stop, and put on your helmet:


Again, stop, and put on your helmet:




One more time, because it's really important:

STOP...



And put on your helmet.

See that?  Now you're getting the message!  Well, at least you're getting the STOP part, which is why in 1969 48% of kids like you rode bikes to school, but by 2009 only 13% of you did:


Instead, your parents take you to school in the car, where you're safe:


And where you make it more difficult for that remaining 13% to continue riding to school, while at the same time generally fomenting a toxic storm of negative emotion that follows you for the rest of the day:


In a recent study by British insurance company Allianz, more than 1,000 parents were surveyed for their levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, as they did their school day morning routine. Levels peaked just before leaving the house to drive to school, at around 8:15 a.m. each morning, researchers found. And the impact of the school run stress stays with parents well into the day. Also, nearly 25 percent of parents surveyed said that morning drop off stress sets their mood for the day — good or bad.

And that's why your bicycle helmet is destroying humanity and the planet.



DISCLAIMER: Oil doesn't actually come from dinosaurs, it comes from marine organisms that lived long before the dinosaurs.  All the stuff about the Judeo-Dino War is totally true though.

58 comments:

JB said...

I wear a helment to limit the spousal bitching.

Watch and Camera Guy said...

Podium?

dancesonpedals said...

oily scranus

ClevelandYeah said...

Yeah. Three!

Gnarlynickb said...

In there somewhere

ClevelandYeah said...

I meant Four! (and Five).

Victor Hugo said...

"The decline of walking and bicycling"

Read an article from the late 1800's that said France was blaming the raising popularity of bicycling on the decline of book sales. Given that it is France we're talking about, and not the USA, the story has at least the possibility of some sort of reality.

ClevelandYeah said...

I'll stop now.

Chazu said...

Nine(r)th

So mountainous

RD NoFA said...

Best children's story ever! No, wait! Best story ever!

Sam said...

Hi! I have a couple of pics from this weekend's ride as well as a couple of lines on my experience! What's the best email address to send them to?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Sam,

bikesnobnyc at yahoo (seriously) dot calm.

Thanks!

--Wildcat Etc.

Bryan Bracy said...

I showed them; my helment is a cheap Chinese knockoff.

Dooth said...

David and Goliath, the Judeo-Dino War, it all makes sense now.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Interesting about the Judeo-Dino War. I did not know that. Learn something new here everyday.

Spunky said...

It's not that kids don't have to wear helmets when they're on a bike. It's that they should wear them in a car and at home! Wrist guards would be good additions, too, along with knee pads, which would have beneficial applications in the sex industry, too.

N/A said...

Ahahaha, this was dynamite today, Wildcat.



Did anybody else think of the following quote:
Well, let's see. First the Earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it- he took her best summer dress and he put it on and went to town...

Grump said...

Did the Judeo-Dino War start right after the creation of the Earth in 4004 B.C.??.....If Dinosaurs had worn helmets, they might have won the war. (You can't beat that logic)


Pist Off said...

The truth about the Judeo-Dino war, finally. This will go straight from your blog to Alex Jones' "performance art" (wink wink) radio show.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...I love your story, when can i get it in print? I want to read it to my kid's 5th grade class.

dnk said...

Great post Snob. This morning I biked past a drop-off line. What's normally a mellow residential street (Macdonough between Ralph and Patchen in Bed Stuy --- for those who know it, the Excellence Boys Charter School) had been turned into a cacophonous clusterfuck of frustration, gridlock, and horn-honking.

This, in a part of Brooklyn that lies outside of the Great Hipster Silk Route -- no bike lanes, no CitiBike stations.

Safety First, y'all.

Pope Francis said...

Fucking Jews! First they killed our Lord and Savior, and then they wiped out the cute and cuddly dinosaurs.

Pope Francis said...

Oh, and happy Holocaust Remembrance Day.

Daniel said...

Long time reader, rarely comment though. (though I always read the comments). This literally could be one of your best posts ever. Thank you for that.

SCIENCE! said...


Great one today, Wildcat. Especially:

" Oil doesn't actually come from dinosaurs, it comes from marine organisms that lived long before the dinosaurs. "

wle said...

In the late 1800s, the Bicycle WAS the "Celling Phone" of the day... Of course "ils faited les libres a ces mortes!!!!!!!! And books remain "mort" to this day, en Francaise!

leroy said...

My dog wishes to point out that the folks who vanquished the dinosaurs cover their heads.

Coincidence? Ask Alex Jones. Or Seb Gorka.

Bamaphred said...

Great story! To compete with Samuel L Jacksons' bedtime story it needs more f words.

Anonymous said...

A trillion Dutch cycle without funny foam and there has never been even a scratch reported in the thousand years they have been on bikes. Save the planet, stop wasting plastic!

Rosie

Mr. Long-winded Good Old Daze said...

I can totally believe that only 13% of kids walk/ride bikes to school nowadays, but seem to remember that far more than 48% of kids did so back in 1969 when I was in school. My parents never gave me a ride to school even in occasionally bitter cold WI. Also I don't remember anyone regularly getting a ride to school. Don't remember any kids at all getting rides in good weather. Seriously I would of guessed like 95% of kids walking or biking to school, but then i didn't grow up in a big city which may have had lots of kids getting rides and may skew the average of all the small/moderate sized towns with almost no kids getting rides. So I think an even sadder thing is that small and moderated sized towns which are theoretically very walk/bike friendly have gone from 0-5% of kids getting rides to 70-90% being driven though this is just a guess, only the average is reported.

JLRB said...

#whatplanktonyourunning?

JuanOffhue said...

Excellent post today! Thanks.

Helmet use is a risk compensation death wish. said...

Why your helmet is useless:
The only fatality in Canada on a bike share bike was a woman wearing a helmet.
The only fatality in U.S.A on a bike share bike was a woman wearing a helmet.
Nobody has ever been killed on a bike share bike while not wearing a helmet.

You can't compare helmet usefulness for other non-bike share bikes because the bikes and their uses are too variable; wearing a helmet for a fixie in an alleycat race doesn't compare with not wearing a helmet on a balloon tire cruiser on a bike path.

Anonymous said...

Pulitzer! PULITZER!!!

PULI TZER

Anonymous said...

Kids Book of the Year!

Seattle lone wolf said...

Today isn't Holocaust Remembrance Day (Jan 27) but it is World Penguin Day. Close enough.

Get Bent Hanger said...

Let all children drive Power Wheels SUVs starting at age two. At age 8,a golf cart. By age 14, a car. Build a suitably sized parkade next to every school.

youngstan said...

Following a link from the NIH to the CDC's "Child Safe" site, I wanted to see what the CDC include on their Bicycle Safety page... Clicked on it and got a big fat "Page Not Found." All the other pages (Teen Driver Safety, Child Passenger Safety, etc) were active links. Coinkydink?

1904 Cadardi said...

Mr. Lon-winded

When I was looking to buy a house my realtor warned me about getting one on the same street as a nearby school: "It becomes the first bell Gran Prix every morning." And she's right, cars speeding through the school zone to drop off the wee ones. Kids should have to wear a helmet (specifically Dory) to navigate all that traffic.

Dooth said...

If the prehistoric history books are correct, it was David Bam Bam Gurion who led the charge against the Dino army in the Battle of Bedrock.

Hee Haw the Barista's totally paranoid uncle Jerry said...

Finally somene is speaking out about the Judeo-dino wars.

bieks said...

Like I didn't feel like enough of a dinosaur already.

Wait, the dinosaurs invented bicycles? Who knew?

Nice "didn't even notice I podio'd" JB.

i know i'm being dumb... said...

If bikes are so dangerous that kids are required to wear helmets just to ride them; and cars are so safe that kids can ride in cars without helmets; why don't we let kids drive cars? Or even Low Speed Neighborhood Vehicles or Golf Carts. I know, because they might be a danger to other users; though probably not as bad as many half-blind tunnel vision senile geezers who are allowed to drive. If I had a kid i'd probably get them a nice big legal horse or better yet a nice big legal camel or elephant to block/slow traffic as a giant F.U. to the System. That would make a nice kids book.

Freddy Murcks said...

Dear Snob - Why do you hate freedum so much? The helments protect the precious bodily fluids of our babies. The commies woulda won if it weren't for the foam hats.

Il Pirata es Mort said...

Wildcat thank you for saving a crap day from going totally in the toil. Inspired writing Sir!

crosspalms said...

Happy to learn about the Judeo-Dino war, but does that mean the Jews vanquished Dino, Desi and Billy, too?

Leroy, let's tell Alex Jones that Seb Gorka and Letle Viride are actually the same person...

Mel Gibson said...

Finally, the truth is revealed.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. crosspalms @4:35 - Well that explains why you never see them photographed together.

Piltdown Man said...

After the demise of the dinosaurs, the Neandethals would gather into groups and go on journeys, mounting their weapons like hobby horses. These treks came to be know as club rides.

Some guy from upstate said...

Well, I don't know about dinos, but riding "without a helmet down the street while standing up atop the seat" is a pretty accurate description of the extinction of Indian Larry. So maybe wear a helmet while doing moto stunts. Not sure you need one for riding your ​bicycle to school.

Slapdown said...

I'm sorry Some Guy but you just can't call Indian Larry, "Indian Larry" anymore in this era. Time for you to put a helmet on your prejudices.

Holy Roller said...

The reason there are no dinosaurs is because Noah couldn't fit them onto the ark, along with the unicorns. Don't you sinners know anything!

Half-blind tunnel vision senile geezer said...

Last in? Couldn't find a parking place. Can't see shit!

Anonymous said...

But these are just alternative facts

Anonymous said...

Great book review. We're going to avoid "Dino Poems." Your book, however, will be the kid's bedtime reading for the next six months. It captures most of the arguments I have to make again and again to co-workers, parents at school, family, the guy pointing his cigarette at me from his SUV, the woman on the $6k full-suspension Santa Cruz riding 10mph down the bike path, etc....

One minor (and comparatively boring) point though... I'm pretty sure that the CDC Kid Safe data does include bike injuries. Wipe-outs are under "Falls" and anything involving cars (ie. almost everything really serious) is under "Motor Vehicle Accidents."

Doc Sarvis said...

Pancho, you're looking for trouble

Alexey said...

I know this a sarcastic post on a sarcastic blog, but what point are you guys trying to make? That kids should not wear helmets on bicycles? That no one should wear helmets on bicycles? No one is making you wear a helmet.

Helmets are generally designed to either prevent or reduce head and neck injuries in the event of an accident. To see how effective they are, you must find adequate control groups and compare all relevant outcomes. Not just deaths, but all relevant injuries. Not just per capita of bike injuries vs cars, but per mile traveled or hour of use. Not control-group-of-1 "I didn't wear a helmet and turned out okay" anecdotes. Real studies.

Either you do the research or not. I know the work required won't make for a clever little diatribe. This is why I ask -- what's your point, what are you trying to prove?

Benjamin Arians said...

Wow! Helmets= root of all evil! I did not know that! I thought they were a useful piece of equipment to keep one from potentially cracking one's skull in the unfortunate event of falling off one's bike!