Greetings from one of those evil "sanctuary cities" that stands to lose federal funding if we don't cooperate with the new mandate on illegal immigrants:
The defiant officials — from New York, Los Angeles, Chicago and smaller cities, including New Haven; Syracuse; and Austin, Tex., said they were prepared for a protracted fight.
“We’re going to defend all of our people regardless of where they come from, regardless of their immigration status,” Mayor Bill de Blasio of New York said at a news conference with other city officials.
It's very important we rid New York City of illegal immigrants because they take jobs that might otherwise go to hardworking Americans, such as those glamorous and high-paying bicycle food delivery gigs everybody's clamoring for:
I'm sure once the deportation squad finishes its work we'll see two (2) immediate effects: a mass migration of people from Appalachia and other depressed areas ready and willing to take advantage of this lucrative new job market, and of course the end of crime for all eternity.
Welcome to the new prosperity.
Then again, it's pretty unlikely this particular sanctuary city is going to lose out on any federal funding, for obvious reasons:
So there you go.
Meanwhile, further to yesterday's post, here's the crabon dick break failure porn of your wildest fantasies:
If there's one thing that's true about cyclists it's that they have a strange aversion to metal, even when it's the ideal material for the job. So at this rate you can expect bamboo brake rotors sometime within the next five years.
Speaking of the bicycle as an economic indicator, the New York Times Real Estate section has cast its monocle upon the village of Piermont, NY, one of the most popular destinations for New York City's cyclists:
Piermont is a place that owes its entire existence to bikes (it's not on a train line so the commute sucks) and if it weren't for the legions of Freds and Tridorks who do the same ride every single weekend and stop there to fuel up on coffee and muffins it would be little more than Nyack's pecker track:
Indeed, so intrinsic is the bicycle to Piermont's real estate values that errant Freds even wind up opening businesses there:
On a recent snowy Saturday, Piermont’s pier was deserted, except for anglers setting lines in the rocks and the occasional dog walker. But there was a 20-minute wait for brunch at 14 & Hudson, a two-and-a-half-year-old restaurant at 457 Piermont Avenue owned and managed by Eric Woods and his wife, Paula Clemente Woods. Like many people, Mr. Woods, who was previously the executive chef at Blue Fin in Times Square, discovered Piermont on his bike. (The town is popular with cyclists.) He said he was attracted by the foot traffic, but keeps his guard up: “A lot of transplanted New Yorkers live in Piermont, so they do have expectations.”
It should be clear by now to pretty much everybody that a large bicycle presence is an indicator that you live in a desirable community. After all, when planning a ride, most cyclists don't say to each other, "Hey, let's head to a real shithole this weekend." Nevertheless, Americans hate nothing more than giving the bicycle its due, as was apparent when the Times last visited Piermont for a story called "Boons and Banes of the Picturesque:"
So magnetic is the village today, according to residents, that tourists and bicyclists often arrive in droves on weekends. The bicyclists often pay little heed to the designated bike lanes, said Robert Samuels, a former journalist and author who has lived here since 1982. “They talk loudly and shout back and forth to one another, often waking me out of a sound sleep on a Sunday morning,” said Mr. Samuels, whose book “Blue Water, White Water” (Up the Creek Publishing, 2011) details his struggle with Guillain-Barré syndrome, a muscle disorder.
Hey, I'll admit I'd hate to wake up to the sound of two Freds discussing which chamois cream they slathered on their scranuses that morning, but it beats being roused by a casino bus:
A motor vehicle driving into your home is what's known as a "Queens Wake-Up Call."
Fortunately for Piermont's more ornery residents, it will probably wither on the vine and die thanks to Zwift, which allows Freds to avoid all the trouble of riding their bikes outside. You don't even have to race in the real world anymore, and I recently received an email that there's a big Fredly throwdown happening soon:
This race is sponsored by L’etape and each participant will be awarded with a free pair of L’etape Socks and 3 luck participants will go into a random prize draw for a full L’etape limited print kit. http://www.letape.nl/
POWER UPs: Allowed at all times
BIKES: All allowed
RIDER NAME: YOUR NAME KISS (X) - X = category (see below)
GROUPS: Use your FTP and then divide by your weight in kg then pick the correct group.
A: 4.0 W/kg FTP or higher
B: 3.2 W/kg to 3.99 W/kg FTP
C: 2.5 W/kg to 3.19 W/kg FTP
D: Under 2.49 W/kg FTP
PLEASE NOTE: PLEASE NOTE: Strava data for KISS races must be open (not private or hidden). zPower riders with avg. W/kg over the duration of the race of greater than 3.99W/kg will not be eligible for CAT or Race Wins. Riders producing over 5w/kg average will be DQd. They can be reinstated if real life matching performances can be provided
Apart from the bit about the free socks I didn't understand a single word of any of that. It looks like what happens when my two year-old gets his hands on my iPhone.
Nevertheless, it's clear that virtual reality is the future of cycling--at least as far as Kickstarter entrepreneurs are concerned. Consider the ChessFit bike trainer for example:
Just strap it to your face:
And enjoy riding through exotic settings such as the Brooklyn Bridge:
Though if you really want to feel what it's like to ride across the Brooklyn Bridge just go to Walmart, grab a Mongoose, and attempt to ride it through the check-out area. The two experiences are remarkably similar because: 1) both involve picking your way through crowds; 2) the typical tourist on the Brooklyn Bridge and the typical Walmart customer are one and the same.
Indeed, cycling has definitely entered the Matrix phase, in that you feel like this:
But you look like this:
Of course, it won't do to render cycling a completely virtual experience if you can't preserve the crucial element of smugness, hence the need to power a battery while you do it:
This allows you to power devices:
In turn reducing your impact on climate change:
[Disclaimer: to make an impact on climate change during the Trump administration everybody on the world would need to pedal a stationary bike the equivalent of riding to the Sun and back 643 trillion times.]
Also a good way to remove cars from the road?
Ride your bike outside to go places.
Crazy, I know, but hey, it could catch on.