Thursday, December 8, 2016

Put a Lid On It



Subsequent to the unveiling of the last BSNYC cap--which still seems to be available despite being a "Limited Edition," go figure:


Some people expressed an aversion to black and made comments along the lines of "I'd buy one if only it were [insert color here]."

Well, guess what?  Now you can transform your every aesthetic whim into reality with just a few mouse clicks, thanks to Walz's Build-a-Cap custom headwear curation system!


Yep, just visit the Build-a-Cap page, choose your colors and embroidery, and they'll stitch you up the cap of your dreams!


Sure, you can't put my logo on it, but if anything that's a selling point.

I even took Build-a-Cap for a little spin myself, and I'm pleased to announce it handles like a dream:


What's that you say?  It's not enough that you can design your own cap?  You want a discount too?  Fine, here's a discount code, you're welcome:


That's good through Wednesday, December 14th, so get on it.

In other news, a cyclist in (where else?) New South Wales, Australia was fined $750 for taking part in a parade on a bicycle without wearing a helmet:


A Blackheath cyclist has been hit with a $750 fine for “reckless” riding and not wearing a helmet in the annual Blackheath rhododendron street parade.

Robin Martin has participated in the past six festivals and usually joins in at the last minute “as the festival goes right past my house”.

But this year police introduced stricter measures around the parade, including pre-registering, something which has left some Blackheathens concerned over “heavy handedness”.

Yes, it would appear that this the organizers of the Blackheath Rhododendron Festival managed to find that sweet spot where helmet hysteria meets terrorist paranoia, with a little "Won't somebody think of the children!" thrown in for good measure:

Police say the charges were laid because “any person riding a motor cycle or a bicycle without wearing an approved helmet sets a poor example to other road users including children and are committing an offence”.

And Blackheath Rhododendron Festival Committee president Elizabeth Giddey, who took the reins of the committee this year, said she could understand the police concerns.

“Our aim was to have a safe and happy day and parade … we could be sitting ducks [for terrorist attacks].”

Okay, what does the helmet ticket have to do with terrorism?  Are they concerned that the helmetless cyclist could have been injured in the event of a terrorist attack due to his flagrant lack of head protection?  Or are they concerned that he could in fact be a terrorist?  Because even if ISIS were hellbent on unleashing their fury on the fucking Blackheath Rhododendron Festival for some reason, I'm not sure if this is quite their modus operandi:


She said police were concerned Mr Martin was “riding up the side of people … where the vintage cars were ... without a helmet and with his hands off the handlebar”.

Ms Giddey said the committee was yet to come to an official position over the fine, but if people had a problem with the new protective measures they “should take it up with the police … or write to the people in ISIS.”

Hopefully people take Ms. Giddey up on that, and here's a template I've prepared if you'd like to do so:

Dear ISIS,

I am writing to request that you refrain from attacking the Blackheath Rhododendron Festival so that I may ride safely without a helmet.

Yours etc.,

Nonplussed in NSW

Though on second thought Ms. Giddey's suggestion is rather irresponsible, because what happens when ISIS opens the letter and says, "What's this Rhododendron Festival?  Sounds interesting.  We should look into blowing it up!"

As for the cyclist, he's nailed his Disputation on the Power of Indulgences to the door at the local hardware store:

Mr Martin, 65, has started a petition protesting the incident, which is at the Blackheath Mitre 10 hardware store.

“I decided on the spur of the moment to put on a silly wig and overalls and join in. My fingers never left the [brake] levers. People lining the street seemed to enjoy my contribution, many holding out their hands to slap as I passed. It honestly didn’t occur to me that a helmet was necessary because the normal road rules were suspended.”

But police said “at the relevant time, all road users were subject to the road rules as they were driving/riding on a public road”. 

Though he might be better off seeking a pardon from the newly-crowned Princess Blackheath:


I hope that crown meets Australian safety standards.

Anyway, if his goal really were to terrorize the Rhododendron Festival parade, he's have been much better off riding the Rammstein collabo-bike of your dreams and/or nightmares, which a reader recently forwarded me:



Rammstein's music addresses "controversial and taboo subjects such as sadomasochism, homosexuality, intersexuality, incest, pedophilia, necrophilia, cannibalism, pyromania, religion and sexual violence," and their bike is compatible with both fenders and pannier racks:

Mudguards: mudguard mounting possible

Carrier: front pannier rack mounting possible

So there you go.

Lastly, speaking of uncomfortable subject matter, Bicycling wants to talk about that itchy ass of yours:
If you're an adult you probably should have learned how to take care of your own ass and crotch by now, but if for some reason you haven't I'd suggest reading parenting magazines, because chamois maintenance is pretty much exactly the same as diaper protocol.  Indeed, Freds are basically just diapered adults, and clearly the reason they're so cranky all the time is like half of them are suffering from diaper rash, and the other half have jock itch.  Yet instead of using Clotrimazole to treat their fungus-ridden crotches, they use boutique chamois creams with the same ingredients as their fucking brunch:

Atlas Cedar – a mild astringent reputedly good for relieving stress and tension.
Lavender – a natural antiseptic and anti-inflammatory used to help ease aches and pains.
Pine needle – reputed to ease rheumatism and respiratory complaints.
Rosemary – characteristic Mediterranean aroma and general tonic to stimulate the senses.
Juniper Berry – a centuries-old boost the immune system.
Lemon – refreshing citrus is naturally anti-bacterial.
Cypress – aromatic conifer rumoured to have anti-rheumatic properties.
Patchouli – anti-inflammatory often used to treat skin conditions.

Sounds delish.  Might as well stick a freaking salad down your shorts.

No wonder they've got problems.

75 comments:

Seattle lone wolf said...

Boom!

McFly said...

wut

Anonymous said...

Last place!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranus.

Joe said...

Top 10

Fourhourerection said...

Top ten?

Fourhourerection said...

Now, to the reading....

Anonymous said...

Man, Australia really is run by some proper bell ends.

BamaPhred said...

I, for one, am not rubbing my scranus with pine needles.

Read, commented,and done.

Redd Foxx said...

If I said it once, I said it a thousand times, "you gotta wash your ass."

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

Eleventeenth?

Cat 404 said...

Top Ten!

I couldn't find a weight spec for the Walz cap - am I missing something?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Cat 404,

They are 100% weightless.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Old timer said...

Huh? What?

Freddy Murcks said...

A man who goes to bed with an itchy butt wakes up with a smelly finger.

Anonymous said...

I don't see any gravel or crabon specific Walz caps?

le Correcteur said...

"Because even if ISIS were hellbent on unleashing their fury the fucking Blackheath Rhododendron Festival for some reason, I'm not sure if this is quite their modus operandi:"

Snob, just living up to my name, but you left out the "on" in front of the "the" just before Blackheath Rhododendron Festival in the above sentence.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:05pm,

Just embroider the world "gravel" on it and you should be fine.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Missed the sprint picking up lunch from my soigner! Double Scranus!

boys on the hoods said...

Nothing addresses controversial and taboo subjects such as sadomasochism, homosexuality, intersexuality, incest, pedophilia, necrophilia, cannibalism, pyromania, religion and sexual violence like a belt drive and integrated stem/handlebar combo.

Drock said...

We get it, don't go down under. Move on, stop spreading their discrimination of bicycles it may catch on here, like I say you never here about Aussies unless it's some freak crazy event. Let them be as they choose, there are people here who want the same thing let's not give them info on some strange country to compare data with.
I must have the best cycling shorts in the world ride about 6,000 miles a year and never apply anything, maybe it's the saddle who know but more riding really takes care of all problems.
Tri flow on my brake cables yep I do it.

Ryan Kelley said...

Instead, of "world's greatest blogger", it should be "a poet in the year 2016 with relevance".

leroy said...

My dog says he sees what you did, appending the fender and pannier rack compatibility observation at the end of the Rammstein description.

He says that was an homage to ending of Spinal Tap's ad for their album Heavy Metal Memories, which the band touts "will make your brain explode and your ears ... cry for mercy" before Nigel Tufnel adds that it "makes a swell gift too."

I told my dog I don't see the connection. Which is odd. Because he's usually the one telling me I'm seeing things.

Sax Huret said...

Why is everyone so afraid of ISIS bottom brackets?

Anonymous said...

The Parade-crasher looks a bit like Carrot Top -- widely considered by many to be a member of ISIS.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Will next month's issue of Proctology Today have an article on the benefits of wider tires for treating hemorrhoids?

Pro Tip - you've got to run a rag around it once a day!

1904 Cadardi said...

I crashed my mountain bike once and ended up with a few pine needles intruding into the chamois area of my shorts. That does NOT cure itchy butt. Quite the opposite actually.

B. Boys said...

An' if you wash yore ass, you better use soap!

Anonymous said...

Why are you picking on Blackheathens?

HivemindX said...

Great to hear that the normal rules of the road applied during that parade. I had a quick look at the photographs of the festival to see if I could detect any other law breaking and I found the following:-

People walking down the middle of the road, some of them holding bulky musical instruments, which would seem to be an egregious breach of road safety.

Vehicles carrying passengers in the back, most of whom were not wearing seatbelts, even some children! They seemed very overloaded too. Surely not legal to load your truck (or ute) up with 20 kids in the flat bed?

Not sure if it's a crime but the guy with the horse drawn beer wagon wasn't wearing a helmet either. Surely he should be. You know, because terrorism.

There were some children on horseback without helmets but since they weren't on the road I guess there was nothing the cops could do.

N/A said...

I'mma get a cap (in all black!) and have "BSNYC gave me a discount code and all I got was this stupid cap!" printed on it.

N/A said...

Ooh, another cap writing idea: "Optimal Pressure"

John Elway said...

That parade crasher looks a lot like Gary Busey.

Germany said...

How about a Hasselhoff collabo bike?

JuanOffhue said...

Clearly, Bicycling Magazine needs to know about this:

https://www.flickr.com/photos/markscott/228347839/sizes/l/

Looks like a good Kickstarter candidate to me.

hoghopper said...

If helmets are necessary to protect Mr. Martin's head against ISIS, then shouldn't all of the spectators also wear helmets to protect their heads too? Or are these spectators unlike the ones at the Boston Marathon?

Anonymous said...

ISIS? Naw, that's clearly Sideshow Bob.

Greenbelt said...

Nothing about the UCI indoor champs, with awesome UCI-approved soundtracks?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h78jKNv-8f8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lk8VAwzS8OY

crosspalms said...

Did Blackheathens open for Rammstein?

Frickus Rungus said...

Did you ever wonder why your analog wristwatch doesn't tell you how fast you bike is going? I guess somebody thought that this was a problem that needed solving:
kickstarter

Anonymous said...

BAG BALM
BAG BALM
BAG BALM

Maybe white petrolatum?

ubercurmudgeon said...

"Indeed, Freds are basically just diapered adults"

The legendary comedian and not-so-legendary cyclist, Alexei Sayle, describes himself not as a MAMIL but as a PUFFIN: a Pathetic Unfit Fat Fuck in Nappies.

Dooth said...

Write Isis a letter? Wait a minute...does that mean Isis is reading this blog? Oh my goodness.

Anonymous said...

Locals know the town as Bleakheath. Thankfully, the Blue Mountains coppers have given us a reason other than the weather to call it such. Oh well, I suppose he was lucky they didn't throw him in gaol (jail) for not having a bell, and lucky the requirement to carry official ID has been dropped. As for terrorists in Bleakheath, it appears they wear blue, and issue selective traffic tickets.

Persia said...

The New South Wales Comedy Festival now runs all year round, it seems.

Randy said...

WTF is wrong with basic black? if you need a fluorescent cap, fuck off!

Randy said...

fuck aussie helmet laws too!

Randy said...

OMFG, not patchouli!

ken e. said...

speaking for all, thanks randy.
one time at a gig, some (won't say it) threw patchouli oil in the air, which landed amongst other places, in my friend's eye and on my t=shirt. that was the end of the fun.

Jeptha Johnson said...

http://www.bicycling.com/culture/people/how-to-ride-your-way-to-a-badass-life-of-leisure?utm_source=t.co&utm_medium=Social&utm_term=709137746&utm_campaign=Bicycling

You have talked about this guy in the past somewhat dismissively but a lot of his points seem similar to your own. Just wondering what you think now that he has been given a feature in Bicycling magazine

Thanks

Drinky Poo said...

Any of those chamois cream ingredients would make bitchin' infused vodka!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Jeptha Johnson,

Haven't given it a thorough read yet, but based on my quick glance I like what he has to say. I think when I first heard about him it was from a New Yorker profile, which by nature tend to be annoying. This could have prejudiced me against him.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JLRB said...

ITCH YASS

bike bum said...

its my arse i can wash it as fast as i like

Anonymous said...

That “Princess Blackheath”, she’s really pretty!

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Anonymous said...

Making the BSNYC podium without Ted in the race is like winning the TdF without Froome in the race.

Anonymous said...

Nice product placement, very savvy.

JLRB said...

I must be missing something - where on the Waltz build-a-hat page is the option to add the orange carrot-top Aussie-in-a-parade hair?

janinedm said...

I'm not ging to lie, that chamois cream sounds amazing and when I finally work my way through my tube of deez nuts, I might try it. Nothing but the best for my chichi!

Fourhourerection said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
John Wares said...

chamois free for over a year. free the taint!

David Farragut said...

Damn the rhododendrons, full speed ahead.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Damn the chamois, full scranus ahead.

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Andy said...

“at the relevant time, all road users were subject to the road rules as they were driving/riding on a public road”

Riiiight. I looked at pictures of the parade. I'm pretty sure the road rules don't normally allow people to ride without seatbelts in open trailers towed by cars and trucks.

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Anonymous said...

Put a lid on it.

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