Tuesday, December 6, 2016

This post features a custom consonant-and-vowel layup for optimal lateral stiffness and vertical compliance.

Crassmas is coming, which means it's time for those tree-portaging tips!


Though I spat egg nog all over my Christmas sweater when I learned this story was written by a Jew:

In the interest of full disclosure and to explain the occasional Yiddish peppered throughout this article, Geffen Semach is Jewish and as such has never purchased a Christmas tree, and/or biked around with one. She does, however, love to cart other large and oddly-shaped items around by bike and thoroughly enjoyed writing this article. 

What, she never heard of a Hanukkah Bush?


Still, I dunno, taking Christmas tree-hauling tips from a Jewish person seems like taking gravel-grinding advice from a triathlete, and I'm not taking any chances until the experts at Bicycling weigh in on the subject:


I'm sure they'd recommend starting with a small potted plant in July and then slowly working your way up to that Christmas tree, but only after hiring a coach and following a custom-tailored training plan.  Also, the story would be adjacent to a full-page Nissan Titan ad:


Don't worry, the Titan also looks great fitted with a car Menorah:


Gotta love the holidays.

I don't know which makes me sadder: car menorahs, or people who drive around with red noses and deer antlers on their SUVs:


Something about it all evokes fake wood paneling and tears.

Speaking of portaging, here's a Kickstarter for a new upside-down roof rack:



Basically the idea is you can fold it up, carry it around with you, and then grub a ride home from the cyclocross race or whatever without kicking in any gas money (you know who you are), which seems like a decent-enough idea.  However, anyone who's read enough Lennard Zinn knows that bike dorks have an irrational fear of storing their bicycles upside-down, hence this exquisitely neurotic FAQ:


Yes, everybody knows disc brake-equipped bicycles can only be operated safely on level surfaces, which is why you should always bleed the system if your ride takes you up any climbs steeper than 4%.

And what about your wheel bearings?
Sorry, this is completely untrue.  Everybody knows that if your wheels are allowed to spin freely while on top of a motor vehicle for a few hours this can overhead and distort your hub shells resulting in catastrophic failure.

I mean, come on, who wrote these FAQs?!?  These are the same sorts of irresponsible people who store their bicycles incorrectly.  If you're one of them, make sure you always adhere to the following rules:

--NEVER hang your bicycle by the wheels, this causes reverse stress on the spokes and can result in catastrophic failure.
--If storing your bicycle for more than 24 hours, ALWAYS rotate your wheels at least once every 24 hours to prevent bearing seizure and tire flat spots.
--ALWAYS deflate and re-inflate your tires at least once every 7 days.  Old air molecules can cause tire and tube degeneration and dry rot.
--Only store your bicycle with the derailleurs in the small/small combo.  This reduces pressure on the derailleur springs.  Storing your bicycle in the wrong gear can weaken the springs and degrade shifting performance.
--Be sure to turn your handlebars every few days to prevent headset bearing seizure and indexed steering.
--Brake pads can harden from exposure to air if not used frequently.  To protect them you should rubber-band your brake levers to your handlebars to maintain constant contact between pad surface and braking surface while your bike is not in use.
--If the bicycle remains unridden for more than six weeks then remove, discard, and replace the drive train as links can become brittle from disuse.

The most ironic thing though about the above FAQ is that it fails to address the one thing I'd actually worry about, which is relying on a lightweight racing saddle as a fastening point:


I mean seriously, those things can break:



Wow, it totally looks like she crapped a saddle.

In other competitive cycling news, professional cyclocrossing person Sven Nys took part in last weekend's Single Speed Cyclocross Single Speed World Single Speed Championship of Single-Speed Cyclocross:



The wildfire known as the Singlespeed World Championships (SSCXWC) roared into Portland this weekend for its tenth edition, fueled by the most pre-event hype in its history. Those flames were further fanned when the community got wind that Trek was bringing its best-known evangelist, living cyclocross legend Sven Nys.

It sounds like a great time for all involved, but I can't help thinking about how odd all this must be odd for him.  Think about it: you're really good at this weird Belgian sport, then suddenly it gets inexplicably popular in America and now your bike sponsor wants you to ride around a muddy field in Portland getting beer thrown in your face:

He also got beer and mud-covered exercise balls thrown in his face, but unlike his reaction to an infamous beer-throwing incident in Europe, Nys embraced the hop-laden face wash. “It’s a very good atmosphere and everybody is in a very good mood,” Nys told Cyclocross Magazine. “It’s amazing to be part of this event. They are yelling and throwing beer but that’s part of the game.”

I mean sure, it's great to see he's a good sport about it:

A video posted by Velofix Portland (@velofixportland) on


But you've got to figure that at least once he asked himself, "Why couldn't I have retired with dignity?"

Though arguably it's totally impossible to retire from pro cycling with anything resembling dignity.

Really, the best you can hope for is running a legal weed dispensary:


Though it could obviously be a whole lot worse for Nys.  For example, he could be getting sued for millions by a guy who runs a legal weed dispensary.  Or worst of all he could still be riding and suffering medical indignities they wouldn't even force on lab animals:


Yes, by dehydrating yourself to almost but not quite the point of death you can gain a crucial advantage over your opponents:

"And losing two kilos in a few hours one day in the mountains of the Tour, Froome is capable of ascending Alpe d'Huez 47 seconds quicker than his previous best, which is no little thing considering that in 2015, for example, he won the Tour by only 72 seconds," said Palfreeman. "You can lose those two kilos through controlled dehydration, functional, drinking less than certain logic would call for."

All you have to do is fool your body with mouthwash and antidepressants into thinking it's not dying:

Palfreeman believes that with adequate preparation, it is possible to combat the effects that the heat would have. He recommended that the riders remain ignorant of their state of dehydration, to avoid negative thoughts, and that menthol mouthwash be used to fool thirst and ‘generate a feeling of cold.’ Training for heat perception would also be required, and he added that medication such as paracetamol would help in altering the perception of heat. Palfreeman also states that Wellbutrin. also known as bupropion, would have an affect. However, the anti-depressant has caused some concern from the world Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) and is currently on their monitored list.

Why stop there?  Why not also put them in medically-induced comas every night to make sure they get adequate rest?  Anyway, it should be fun to watch Froome in the Tour next year hydrating himself with a medicine dropper--or maybe just riding around with one of those automatic chain lubricators strapped to his helmet.

49 comments:

dnk said...

Holy shit!

N/A said...

If you're going to store your bike for more than 6-8 weeks, the just sell that shit and buy a whole new one when you finally come off the couch. You can't go around riding old bikes, the club racers will totally laugh at you.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Top turd scranus!~

N/A said...

After that girl's saddle broke off, she was seen to continue riding the balance of the race. She rolled up to the finish with a broad grin and seemed very relaxed, all things considered.

Wipemybutt said...

I am five

w said...

Toppus tennus.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Floyd looks like he's had the munchies in his weed farm picture. My dehydration always seems to be dysfunctional. How many phlegm wads does one hack up properly pronouncing Geffen Semach?

boys on the hoods said...

Early post. Top Ten!!

Kraig said...

Snob! How are you not addressing the single biggest cargo-bike related news of the season with the release of the Big Fat Dummy! We simple must have your opinion washed upon our souls.

Love,

Kraig

boys on the hoods said...

"She does, however, love to cart other large and oddly-shaped items around by bike"
Hey I like that too, sadly I am the large oddly shaped object on my biek.

dancesonpedals said...

dix

le Correcteur said...

Missed the top ten. Classic sentence, Snob; positively literary or something: "Something about it all evokes fake wood paneling and tears."

janinedm said...

1) That list was pure evil, Snob. I am certain, CERAIN, that some Fred will find that list and abide by every rule and keep a storage diary. A septa should follow you around chanting shame. 2) How about we get rid of bidons altogether on the tour. We get people-sized hamster water feeder things and place them at strategic points on the course.

Bryan said...

How do I get my xmess tree? Stick it in the car! Gotta use all that SUV room for something every now and again

dem_bieks! said...

this can overhead and distort

I think you were looking for overheat, not overhead.

And yes, your list is exactly right. Everyone knows that an upside down biek is dangerous. Specialized sez hubs are not designed to spin upside down therefore any warranty is void. YOU COULD DIE!!!

Anonymous said...

Leonard Z would tell you not to hang your mountain bike upside down, because it will mess up your suspension fork, just sayin'........

Drock said...

There would be too many ladders on Jesus's truck to haul a bike around.
Time to go see about my tire pressure.

Old timer said...

Huh? What?

Frickus Rungus said...

I've found that hanging your mountain bike by the front wheel (or upside down) for an extended period of is a good diagnostic test.
If oil leaks out of the fork and runs down your bike, then you need new fork seals.
Or maybe you just forgot to turn off your auto-oiler after your last ride.

Schisthead said...

If you run the right model of shitty hydro-dicks, that 4% bit could be true.

Tell you what, going up a techy climb with a rear brake that quits working every time your front wheel is significantly higher than the rear is pretty tough.

Freddy Murcks said...

I prefer to get all of my Christmas decoration, tree portaging, and hydration advice from Jewish people.

Steven Dorst said...

Wait! What?

I thought that air molecules, like wine, improve with time!

Must rethink my entire approach to life now ...

Israel Isidore Baline said...

"...when I learned this story was written by a Jew...

Who wrote "White Christmas" , According to the Guinness World Records, the version sung by Bing Crosby is the best-selling single of all time, with estimated sales in excess of 100 million copies worldwide.?????

Anonymous said...

Indexed steering, lol

The dog at the end of that vid is, like, WTF, these are my people???

The split with Bicycling must have been traumatic and smelly, like fake wood panelling and old farts.

No Need to Thank Me said...

For use in tomorrow's post:

Western Union messengers leaving the White House on Dec. 7, 1941

Fifty thousand students in and round Tokyo are undergoing rigorous training for war. Some of their numbers as they participate in maneuvers, equipped with bicycles to facilitate quick arrival at the front

A more complete story.

from the Department of Fake News

McFly said...

26th......I'm the muthafookin Z of comments.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

@ No need to thank me, Ruth Lee was pretty hot in her day.

Also, the Chinese got to steal fortune cookies from the Japanese as a result of Pearl Harbor.

wle said...



A. RETURN OF WALZ CAP LADY ON THE RIGHT MMMMMMM....

B. there may not be a B.

c. if you hang your bieky upside down and it gets wet, the bieky is forecasting rain...
WALZCAP!

leroy said...

Well this is odd.

My dog claims his father helped Ms. Semach's mother portage Christmas trees years ago. He says he has a picture.

It's not odd that his father knew Ms. Semach's mother. New York is a small town after all.

The odd part is my dog claims he's not a working breed.

Not even part-time, seasonal work.

dancesonpedals said...

Seen on Fifth Ave:

The Winter's Cockpit

dancesonpedals said...

D'oh! Sixth Ave.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

I find that riding my bike accelerates wear and tear on most components.

1904 Cadardi said...

Just finished assembling too many big box store kiddy bikes for a local charity. I'll never complain about working on my nice Fred sled again.

Although the silver and blue streamers on the Frozen bikes are genuinely magical.

crosspalms said...

Mayor Vargas, you're a tough act to follow.
Nevertheless, If I suspend a bike rightside-up from the ceiling for any length of time, will gravity pull the tires inevitably toward the floor, causing a swelling that could prove lethal next time I ride?

fourhourerection said...

Mayor Vargas: Sorry I boned your wife (for four hours.) Hahahahahahaha! I'm not sorry! Man, she was a freak.

Anonymous said...

No post covering the fake news from down under on the rash fork failures.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Vargas you paint a pretty picture of your wife!

Read before opening Attachment said...

"Chamous Confidential" is Carlos Danger's pen name.

Holy Roller said...

I Think that Jesus would rather place His blessing on a Nissan.

Dooth said...

Mayor Vargas of Palookaville, have Mrs. Vargas answer the phone.

Anonymous said...

With respect to:

--Brake pads can harden from exposure to air if not used frequently.

I usually recommend that people rub oil on brake pads to make sure they don't dry out. So far, no one has ever come back for another suggestion, so I assume it must be working very well. . .

JLRB said...

Is the ball kicking cross rider wearing a BSNYC jersey? Looks like the same colorway.

Amateur medically induced comas to ensure rest = a couple of stiff drinks before bed (do t test it out on the 17 kids)

Fred Mercury said...

Instead of those balls at the SSCXWCSS, they should have had a shark for them to jump over. Didn't see a tremendous amount of dignity from the spectators/hecklers/beer throwers. Says something for getting caught up in the moment, but an "adult" should feel foolish for such behavior.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Fred Mercury,

If you scroll the linked article you'll see they had exactly that. It's just a big party, everyone there signs on to the craziness.

--Wildcat Etc.

Frilly Chick said...

I'm surprised WADA only has Wellbutrin on a monitor status. One of the potential side effects is appetite suppression and weight loss, although it didn't quite work like that for me.

Figures.

Anonymous said...

Fred Mercury,

The first part of SSCXWCSS is "Single Speed", which itself has a rather niche group of hardcore followers who engage in all sorts of shenanigans. The beer throwing and handups are part of the race.

Colonel Klink said...

How cute - but ss is far more insidious than single speed

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