Monday, November 28, 2016

I'm Now All Out of Thanks, and I Had No F*cks to Give in the First Place.

Well, it's the 21st century holiday known as Cyber Monday:


And obviously you should look no further than the right-hand margin of this blog for all your online holiday shopping needs.  Seriously, what can't you buy from my generous sponsors?  Bikes, coffee, tool rolls...even humorous how-to manuals informed entirely by this blogger's own highly subjective precepts!  I dare say you could go from layperson to jaded cyclist who's totally over it in a matter of days simply by ordering your way down my ads.

It's like 20 years of cycling experience distilled in like a dozen banners.

Oh, and if you're looking for Cyber Monday discount codes from all my generous sponsors, you can find them here.

Speaking of being totally over it, Malcolm McLaren's son burned a bunch of pants on a boat or something:

The items set on fire included a pair of bondage trousers that had been tailor-made for Mr. Corré as a child; rare posters; live punk recordings; and pants that had belonged to John Lydon, a.k.a. Johnny Rotten, the lead singer of the Sex Pistols, according to a news release sent by a publicist for Mr. Corré.

This was apparently to protest the fact that punk has become a marketing tool:

“Punk has become another marketing tool to sell you something you don’t need,” Mr. Corré said to a crowd of dozens gathered on the shore in London’s Chelsea district, as flames licked at a trunk of punk paraphernalia and fireworks shot from the boat into the late afternoon sky. “If you want to understand the potent values of punk, confront taboos. Do not tolerate hypocrisy. Investigate the truth for yourself.”

This bold statement comes at least 39 years too late and would have been trite even then, so who better to make it than the son of the person who conceived of the punk style as a marketing tool in the first place?  If you really think about it, punk is basically an entire musical genre based on complaining about its own inherent marketability.  It's just people in riveting wardrobes singing songs with irresistible pop hooks and then getting mad when people like them, which is the perfect formula for success.  Indeed, as every lovelorn soul out there knows, it's this very seduce-and-rebuff cycle that perpetuates the entire human species.  So the pants burning seems lame even by marketing standards.

Nevertheless, I fully intend to burn a bunch of fixies on a barge in the East River in 2047, so mark your calendars.


(I wonder if he ever got brakes, and if so did he modify the tattoo?)

In other fashion news, Eurodouche coglomerate LVMH is sniffing Rapha's chamois for potential purchase:


Helped by the boom in road cycling over the past decade or so in the UK and elsewhere – the US, Australia and Japan are all significant markets for Rapha – the company achieved turnover of £48.8 million in the year to 31 January 2016, with pre-tax profit of £.1 million.

The Mail on Sunday says that while a source confirmed the two parties were in talks, neither LVMH nor Rapha would comment.

Paris-based LVMH, owner of brands including Louis Vuitton, Moet & Chandon, Marc Jacobs, Dior, TAG Heuer and Bulgari, is known to be keen to build its presence in the sports and leisure sectors.

And let the record reflect I totally called this after it was reported LVMH was kicking Pinarello's tires awhile back:

I commend them on their choice, as Pinarello will make a fine addition to their exquisite portfolio of Eurodouchery.  After this the next acquisition is going to be either Assos or Rapha, and by this time next year you can expect them to offer an $8,000 leather Louis Vuitton pool noodle.

So to recap:

1) The nexus of professional Fred cycling is shifting to the Persian Gulf:


2) Used to be the last thing you saw before getting doored on the Upper East Side was a Vuitton bag emerging from a town car; now they're going to be making both your plastic bike and your bib shorts:


3) President of Trek Bicycle John Burke may already be positioning himself to succeed former stage race organizer Donald Trump as President of the United States:


Given this it's abundantly clear to me that not only is road cycling being wholly appropriated by the word's ultra-rich and well on its way to becoming the new horse polo, but it's also probably somehow going to figure into the nuclear apocalypse that is certain to put an end to life as we know it sometime during the next administration--though if somehow we make it through a Trump presidency unscathed then President Burke has the solution to nuclear security going forward, so we'll all be able to breathe easy again:

Reduce the risk of nuclear war. This one scares the hell out of me, especially with you in charge. We have over 2,000 missiles on active duty. We don’t need 2,000 missiles on active duty. There is a great op-ed published in the May 23, 2010 edition of the New York Times  written by civilian employees of the US Air Force, Gary Schaub Jr. and James Forsyth Jr., in which they adeptly calculate “that the country could address its national defense and military concerns with only 311 strategic nuclear weapons.”This move would reduce our chances of accidentally causing a nuclear war by over 93.91%, and significantly reduce our costs. Remember we have a debt of $19 trillion.

Yes, why have 2,000 nukes when you only need 311?  That's why President Burke will be introducing the Domane ICBM.  Billed as a "quiver killer" that will reduce the size of your stable while still maintaining mutually assured destruction, it's equally at home menacing nearby neighbors and far-flung republics alike thanks to its Classics-proven IsoSpeed decoupler:


THE SMOOTH ADVANTAGE

Domane with IsoSpeed has it all: Blistering speed. Devastating power, even on the punishing pavé of Kim Il-sung Square. Don’t endure. Conquer.

Powering over centuries-old empires, vaporizing upstarts, descending from the sky to rain death upon our enemies. That's how America refrains from firing its Domane in the name of maintaining a precarious détente. How will you refrain from firing yours?

It even has an integrated chain keeper for some reason.

Yes, with a mere 311 cutting-edge "gravel nukes" hand-crafted in Waterloo, WI* and Jens Voigt as Secretary of State, America will regain the global respect we're sure to lose during the next four years:

*Project One missiles only


("SHUT UP ISIS!!!")

Hey, John Burke vs. Mike Sinyard with Grant Petersen running as a third-party candidate?  Stranger things have happened.  In fact all of them happened during this most recent election.

Lastly, I was perambulating through Central Park over the Thanksgiving break when I encountered this rider braving the forbidding (and forbidden, no bikes allowed) bridle path on a fat bike:


Might be time to launch the fat bike-burning party barge.

65 comments:

Ted K. said...

192. But the way to discourage ethnic conflict is NOT through militant advocacy of minority rights (see paragraphs 21, 29). Instead, the revolutionaries should emphasize that although minorities do suffer more or less disadvantage, this disadvantage is of peripheral significance. Our real enemy is the industrial- technological system, and in the struggle against the system, ethnic distinctions are of no importance.

boys on the hoods said...

podium

le Correcteur said...

2nd, and I read it. Got to love the Eurotrashization of cycling; or rather the more visible Eurotrashization of cycling.

I want a Bentley--Colnago collabo bike! Those lame BMW folders were not enough; and don't even get me started on the Trek VWs.

le Correcteur said...

Whoops; I guess I took to long writing the comment!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Non-Ted podium!

Watch and Camera Guy said...

Top ten?

Grump said...

About the bike on the bridle path......Horses hate bikes even more than Australians.

rural 14 said...

Top ten, or -
1st! Eroica edition via the Commodore 64

Freddy Murcks said...

Does the Bahrain-Merida cycling kit come with a length of heavy rubber vacuum hose so that the team's riders can beat their opponents into submission? As I am writing this it occurred to me that the riders are too much of a bunch of weight weenies to actually carry a length of heavy rubber hose regardless of its utility. Naturally then, doling out the beatings will be added to the list of responsibilities for the soigneurs.

Drock said...

Just happens that my Waterloo made 85' trek was on the stand while I read this. Masterpiece. During the fat bike burn there should be some sort of display with the red hot rotors, like flaming ninja star or throwing them into deli hams to see them slice.

Vote Early and Vote Often said...

Millions voted illegally, who knew? Thank the Lobster on high we have The Donald to inform us. If you saw an illegal vote please send a tweet to the Twit.

The King of Park Slope said...

Horses hate Australians?

Learn something new here every (other) day.

Old timer said...

Huh? What?

Anonymous said...

President Drumph.

Thanks for nothing, NYC.

James said...

Looks like Ted K is back from holiday...

cdinvb said...

fryin chicken in the barnyard

Spokey said...

what can i say.

at least in the top andrew jackson

Buffalo Bill said...

Ah yes, it's sad to see the punk kids let down by their former heroes. They probably feel the same way us older folks do when we see a GMC ad with music from the guy who wrote 'Hope I die before I get old'

dop said...

I read the post and Ted K.

Spokey said...


America will regain the global respect we're sure to lose during the next four years:

we won't lose any global respect in the next four years. try as he might, even the duck can't do that. negative global respect? about as possible as time travel back in time.

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

21stish?

Millions I Tweet You said...

I waited in a line to vote. Saw a suspicious looking Fred leaving voting. He was dressed head to toe in black (black sweatpants and black hoodie) and was wearing sunglasses in the middle of the day no less (what could be more suspicious?). Got on a plain brown envelope bike, no lights, no reflectors, no ring ring bell, AND he wasn't wearing a HELLMITT. Obviously to the eyes of anyone with an once of common sense he was an illegal voter. Black clothing + sunglasses + no Hellmitt + no ring ring bell is a dead giveaway. Didn't hear him speak, but you can bet your chain ring he's going to end up on the wrong side of The Donald's wall, fence or 1,5000 mile long topiary hedge? All that = illegal voter - Do the math man. That's one down, millions more to be exposed. Do your patriotic duty, make yourself a deputy dawg and let the man in the high tower know about the illegal voters YOU SAW. Un-rig the rigged election.

You can always be Amazed said...

Holiday Shopping Brawl in a J. C. Penny Store. J.C.P is still in business, who knew? Horses in Australia, Bargain Shopping in America, what's next, Leroy's Dog being kicked by a mailman, Carlos Danger giving up photography, Babble giving up head?

leroy said...

My dog informs me that if anyone is looking for him in the next four years, he'll be in the land of promotion codes from Mr. BSNYC's generous sponsors.

I can't be too critical.

I mean, at least he has a plan.

Anonymous said...

A German in charge of State? Meh, it's been done.

bieks said...

That Kenny G tweet you shared the other day was hilarious. I clicked into his profile and apparently he's hanging out with Richard Marx - seriously, that guy still has a career too? Judging from Kenny's 30 year old mountain bike, his career's not doing so hot. Best thing was, it recommended I follow Michael Bolton - had to look. He has less followers than Marx. Tweet from the '90s and no one listens.

JuanOffhue said...

Buffalo Bill —

My moment came when I heard a smooth jazz version of “Too Old to Rock and Roll, Too Young to Die” in a grocery store early one morning.

Porfirio Rubirosa Ariza said...

Horse polo is redundant. If it's bike polo or water polo, you need the modifier, but saying just polo implies playe on equines. And anyway, we say polo ponies, not polo horses.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Path suitable for gravel horses only.


vsk

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk also said ...


What horseshoes you runnin?

vsk

CommieCanuck said...

I really can't get into back friday/cyber monday purchases unless I'm elbowing a pregnant woman in the stomach at checkout.
It's all too Kubrickian..just replace the killer bone with a 50" 4K TV. Buy them now, before Donald orders them welded in the USA on this side of the wall/fence.

BTW..a better Secretary of State would be Brad Wiggins, "fawk awf ISIS, yacunts".

Fred the Farrier said...

The tubular of horseshoes is also glued on.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Letle Viride is the only obvious choice for Mein Drumpf's Secretary of State!

Sax Huret said...

That Peace Race line of Rapha's was already tone deaf, but now it has the potential to be even more tone deaf. My excitement is palpable.

crosspalms said...

vsk,
Damn, my gravel horse is in the shop. I'll have to come back tomorrow.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

I think I saw one of these today

A triple niche product....Fat tire, folding, e bike. I really need to associate with a higher class passion.

Anonymous said...

Is the second word of the phrase Eurodouche coglomerate a Bike Thing?

Belgian Triple Fat Tire Ale said...

Rapha Milk Race all white wool bibs and wool skinsuits, please.
And matching jerseys with nipple chamois.

Anonymous said...

As Johnny Rotten said on his 1996 Filthy Lucre Tour: "We've found a common cause, and that's your money."

dancesonpedals said...

Did Kenny G mean Michael Bolton from Office Space?

clyde said...

Burke 2020! Vote for Burke "How the hell can he make it any worse!"

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Would a President Burke have Thomas Weisal and Lance Armstrong in his cabinet?

Chazu said...

Is that Raphe Finnes on a Fat Bike?

He was not wearing a helment.

Raphe is one vowel away from Rapha.

Anonymous said...

"Yes, why have 2,000 nukes when you only need 311? "

Because the proper number of nukes, just like the proper number of bikes, is n + 1...

Anonymous said...

I know about some of those 311 "bombs" like "down" and "I'll be here a while" and "come original"

http://www.311.com/

Anonymous said...

The old fixed punk could just show us his right and most would agree:

NOBR

geoff_tewierik said...

I notice that the Bahrain/Merida kit is red, to cover up all the blood stains of the tortured cyclists when they fail to provide results.

bieks said...

dancesonpedals - I would have followed Michael Bolton from office space. Now I have to check if he's on twitter - probably.

Dooth said...

When I was but a wee punk child, I asked my parents for a tailor-made pair of bondage pants.
They gave me a straight jacket.

Very Slim Pickens said...

@1:43. Speaking of Babble, has she disappeared into the Canadian wilderness?

JLRB said...

Fuck Monday and the tire that blew out half a mile from my house - if my bike were a horse I would have shot it

For the Birds said...

You 'mericans have your eagle, well we Canadians now have the grey jay as our national bird!
Ummm.... What the hell is a grey jay?

Anonymous said...

We need multi-mark ballots so people don't have to be afraid to vote Petersen. Maine is doing it.

Soflo'd said...

Thx for the awes plus discount codes duuude...

Buffalo Bill said...

For the birds, the grey jay is commonly known as a whisky jack.
Friendly little barstids.

H.L. Mencken said...

From The NY Times (a company that used to produce a newspaper) in a story about those throw-away cardboard hellmutts: "As bike-share programs have proliferated in cities around the world, a clear point of friction has emerged for bicycle commuters: How do they protect their fragile skulls?" BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! "Clear point of friction". Put that one in yer phrase-turner and smoke it.

Spokey said...


are those paper healmets recycled? can't believe d'commie-o would allow such waste. where is mike bloomers when we need him?

i remember when the nyt actually printed transcripts of all significant speeches as opposed to the current practice of listening to a speech while getting drunk and then scribing a tale that would make isaac asimov blush.

McFly said...

Blue Jays are assholes. They will swoop your head with their little hard peckers.

Anonymous said...

Dave, I'm scared. I'm scared Dave. I can feel it.

Anonymous said...

If you go to Banffff and hang out in the woods at all, the whiskey jacks will be all over you looking for a hand-out. Typical Canadians, socialists every one of em.

Gov. Nelson Rockfella (Shank) said...

Is this another "feel like ass" afternoon?

Back when I worked for the Great State of New York, guys would leave at 11 AM for a "liquid lunch" and not come back to work. We would often not see them the next day either, due to hangover. Not that I'm suggesting about think about the Snob.

N/A said...

Today is my first day back to work from the Thanksgiving break. I am thankful that I was able to ride for a couple of days in a leisurely fashion, despite the coldness.

Also: I joined the Stravas. I don't even know what possessed me. I guess I need to learn how to create a segment so that I may title it, "SuperFred BigMuff's Wank-Tastic Hill Repeat!"

bad boy of the north said...

will a paper hellment protect me from the elements?

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Rock Helment Scissors . . .


vsk

Lynda wang said...

Oh my gosh!! I have that same fabric! I loved it so much I bought two yards of it which is really unusual for me. I just cut into it this week after having it for like two years! I'm using it in a quilt with paintstix and batiks. Love the chair and pillow!

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