Tuesday, November 29, 2016

I Could Have Titled This Post, But Then It Would Have Been Even Later

When you've got seventeen (17) children and a semi-professional blogging empire to run you take your chances to ride when you get them.  What you don't do is hem and haw just because it's going to be raining for the next two days.  You grab a bike with fenders and get out there while you can, precipitation be damned, which is what I did this morning:


And yes, I do realize that my bulging rear fender line is disgraceful, and that I should remedy the situation by trimming those struts and putting a spacer between the fender and the chainstay bridge immediately:


However, I can promise you I'll never do that, because with so little riding time the last thing I'm gonna do is waste any of it prettying up my goddamn fenders.

They deflect the water and they don't rub so for the time being that's good enough for me.

Anyway, it was an enjoyable ride and I visited some of my favorite hidden climbs of the lower Hudson Valley (you can order my guide to these climbs for only $2.99 by clicking here), though by the end of it I was a bit waterlogged:


But while I may be wet and wobbly-fendered at least I have my integrity, unlike a certain Mario Paz Duque, who apparently doped his way to a 38th place at the Red Hook Crit Milano:


Paz Duque, who finished 38th, is now disqualified from the Milano No.7 results and receives a lifetime ban from the RHC and all Trimble Racing events.

As far as I know this is the first positive drug test from the Red Hook Crit, though it's been pretty obvious for awhile now that the new breed of fixie-crit bro is almost certainly doped to the gills:


I wonder if they'll flag his Strava account:


Of course, in an age when even 45 year-old Fondo Freds get caught doping none of this is particularly surprising, though that didn't stop VeloNews from gloating about it:


(Yeah, saying "Jumped the shark" jumped the shark sometime in the last decade.)



Which is suprising, because people in Colorado have such a laid-back approach to riding bicycles.

I mean sure, of course I think it's hilarious that someone got caught doping at the Red Hook Crit, but I'm not sure VeloNews gets to laugh at it.  After all, the magazine owes its entire existence to performance-enhancing drugs.  It's like a porn film company laughing at a model for having breast implants.

Because Jim Ochowicz totally hasn't jumped the shark:


Speaking of porn, I recently received a press release with the following subject line:

The Sexiest Cycling Bottle in History

And here it is:



Arrive L allows easier and intuitive entry and exit from cages, and pockets. Compared to standard bottles, it slides in and out with less resistance, and easily at severe angles, thanks to tapered ends. It also has a high flow rate, self-sealing silicone valve, and 710ml / 24 oz capacity.


Holy crap, is this a water bottle or a double-ended dildo?

Finally, a bottle that isn’t just a product of engineering. Visual balance and a streamlined shape captures the essence of cycling. The clean façade lacks graphics to scratch, and allows a neutral presentation. The high-gloss cap is available in nine colors, with a smoke black, semi-transparent body.

They should do very well with this whole no-graphics concept, because cycling teams, bike shops, and other organizations who order bottles in large quantities to promote themselves certainly wouldn't want any graphics on them.

“Cycling bottles haven’t fundamentally changed in decades. We’ve been stuck with brute cylindrical shapes, bad graphic design, and basic functionality ” said Yujin Kawase, Founder and CEO of ABLOC.

Thank you, Yujin Kawase, for liberating us from the bottle shape.  You should move onto the wine industry next, the bottle shape has been a huge problem for them as well.

Speaking of things nobody asked for, that paper helmet has made the New York Times:


As bike-share programs have proliferated in cities around the world, a clear point of friction has emerged for bicycle commuters: How do they protect their fragile skulls?

Really?  Has this been an actual problem?  They protect their fragile skulls the same when they do when they're walking or riding the subway or taking the bus: by doing their best not to fall on them.  Reminds me of that Mr. Burns quote: “Ever since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun."  Forget liberating us from bottle shapes; please liberate us from the bullshit idea that people need or want helmets to ride Citi Bikes three blocks at a time.

Many are unwilling to share helmets with strangers, because of germs and stuff. And carrying a helmet at all times can be a burden.

Lice.  They're called lice.

Luckily, a selection of foldable helmets has emerged to help solve the problem. This month, one such product, the EcoHelmet, won the 2016 James Dyson award, named for the British designer best known for making high-tech vacuum cleaners.

The helmet’s inventor, Isis Shiffer, will receive $45,000 to further develop the cheap, recyclable product, which is made from cardstock paper.

I gotta hand it to her, nothing gets people to open up their wallets like a good helmet gimmick.

52 comments:

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium!

Cameron Murphy said...

2nd!!!!

Spokey said...

whew at least podi silver

dnk said...

Wait a minute. Did someone elect Trump....president?

Spokey said...


damn fell to bronze

N/A said...

Oh man, that bottle is sexy!

*unzips*

wishiwasmerckx said...

British tabloid headline:

"Dyson Foundation Funds Isis"

N/A said...

You know what else slides out easier due to tapered ends?

Dane Watt said...

Top ten, didn't read it.

wle said...

That water bottle really solves a problem I've had since Day 2:

"The bottle that stands up by itself."

This one would definitely need help, in a *GOOD WAY!* !

Here, hear!

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Top 11. Mario SPaz Duque is a semi professional douchebag

Spokey said...


buy a water bottle?

i get a 'free' bottle every year at the cjbc farmland ride. yeah the logos wear off after a decade or so. never bothered me. got so many at this point i give them away.

i think most events give those things away.

oh, and snobbie, that rear fender wheel looks nice. and clean. you been sneaking in a wash? or are you going to 'claim' the rain cleaned it?

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SoFlo'd said...

Fenders? I don't need no stinkeen fenders!!!

Mudguard said...

Across the pond, they call them mudguards.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

16th! Scranus!

Taliban Shifter said...

I'd have thought scranal smear would be a greater share-bike concern than funky helmets.

I shall design a disposable paper sanitary cover for bicycle seats like those things you can get for toilet seats and be awarded large sums of money.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

ISIS Shiffer or ISIL Shiffer, what is politically correct these days?

Scranal smear would only be a problem for someone using a Citibike in one of those bike naked rides. I think the greatest concern with bikeshare bikes would be the handgrips. Some antibacterial wipes and nitrile examination gloves and you're good to go.

McFly said...

EPO....meh....we had some in the fridge the other day. My gal works in dialysis and transports it from clinic to clinic.

I may try some.

bad boy of the north said...

Did cipo have a hand in designing that bottle?

Freddy Murcks said...

bad boy - Cipo had something in that bottle design, but it wasn't his hand.

dem_bieks! said...

Velo News is a biek racing media something-or-other and they won't cover a pretty popular biek racing format? It's like they work for the UCI or something....

The UCI will still be around spending the Summer Olympics revenue. Velo News? Not so much. It cannot come soon enough.

I'm old enough to remember when the "cool" roadies used a fixed gear biek in the winter. Not skip-link chains old, but 5-speed freewheel old.

Drock said...

Just make it legal to dope who cares anymore, full gas all the time. The man throwing his bike is really funny. Water bottle, can't wait to buy up all those old for cheap. Paper helmet?? No.

Bikeboy said...

How hard would it be to change your blog to BikeHelmetSnobNYC?

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

All the rain and gloom makin for an epic bus ride later.


vsk

Joe said...

The owls will deafen us with incessant hooting.

Anonymous said...

Space those fenders or face the wrath of Jan Heine. I nominate the Campagnolo Biodynamica Aero water bottle as sexiest water bottle.

grog said...

Filth prophylactic.
Scranus.

bad boy of the north said...

Freddy...lol!

Fourhourerection said...

I beatTed K!

1904 Cadardi said...

Said the RedHook series founder "“When we started to get crossover from road racing we knew it was a risk.” Right, because nobody in track cycling dopes . THAT is comedy gold.

Anonymous said...

Ted K is late because he had a meeting with the Trump team to talk about a cabinet job. Hopefully he is back tomorrow.

JLRB said...

Ted K for Postmaster General

JLRB said...

Mommas don't let your babies grow up to be designers

leroy said...

Do not listen to my dog if he claims he has an easy way to clean your bike after a wet ride. I know that now.

fourhourerection said...

That water bottle needs a couple dongles.

atom bomb said...

Oh, riding in the rain? I have a theory about it. Once you get wet, you can't get MORE wet, right? So just keep riding!

BikeSnobNYC said...

atom bomb,

Unfortunately you can get more cold though.

--Wildcat Etc.

That's what she said said...

"Once you get wet, you can't get MORE wet, right?"

EricBikeCO said...

"because people in Colorado have such a laid-back approach to riding bicycles." Yeah. Fuckno. I can't ride a shitty creek path without some douche with calf tattoos trying to protect his Strava time... As I coast past his weak sauce ass.

Dooth said...

Dopey Red Hook critters jumping sharks, breaking bikes, having sex with water bottles.
I'm studying for Friday's quiz.

Blaue Reiter said...

Um, yeah, I was wondering whether "Hentai Herbal" was another riff on the bottle, or Colorado, or what...

Old Timer said...

Huh? What?

Anonymous said...

Free speach

Helmet hater said...

>How hard would it be to change your blog to BikeHelmetSnobNYC?

Says the helmet nazi whose blog attracts ZERO comments.

Clarkey said...

How 'bout riding through the rain working on a six pack that sits in your handlebar bag?

Ryan Kelley said...

Historian, philosopher... will you still blog if nukes are dropped? There would be less of us to read it, but it would be even more important than it is now... unless NY gets nuked. Oh no! What will you do? How will you pass the throne? I can't do it Bike Snob NYC. I will never be as good as you. Note on link regarding "Colorado cyclists": there has to be a better link about the culture of riding in Colorado than the infamous "Just Kidding" boat. I was like "he doesn't dis us nearly as much as Portland. What interesting story am I going to find about Colorado and cycling?"

And lastly, way to call out VeloNews. They need to call you out. And step toe to toe: website to website. It's called competition. It will make both platforms better. Cause a little controversy; answer the tough questions.

dop said...

For some pretentious morning pretension, you can't beat Thomas Mann. The photo of the bike against the cemetery wall reminds me of the short story, The Path To the Cemetery

An old man was on his way to visit his wife's grave & loses his shit when passed by a cyclist* on the path. He rants & raves and gets taken to the nut house. The End

*who is referred to as 'Life'. It's German.

N/A said...

And lastly, way to call out VeloNews. They need to call you out. And step toe to toe: website to website. It's called competition. It will make both platforms better. Cause a little controversy; answer the tough questions.

They're a bunch of punks! They can't even carry Wildcat's sweaty Rapha scranal pad.

Anonymous said...

If anything, I would be more likely to avoid using bike share if it went hand in hand with wearing a dumb paper helmet.

dancesonpedals said...

Hmmm...a 1901 story about a pedestrian trying to kick a cyclist off a multi-use path...ahead of its time

The Man in the High Castle said...

Trump brand EPO is da Bomb.