I Could Have Titled This Post, But Then It Would Have Been Even Later

When you've got seventeen (17) children and a semi-professional blogging empire to run you take your chances to ride when you get them.  What you don't do is hem and haw just because it's going to be raining for the next two days.  You grab a bike with fenders and get out there while you can, precipitation be damned, which is what I did this morning:

And yes, I do realize that my bulging rear fender line is disgraceful, and that I should remedy the situation by trimming those struts and putting a spacer between the fender and the chainstay bridge immediately:

However, I can promise you I'll never do that, because with so little riding time the last thing I'm gonna do is waste any of it prettying up my goddamn fenders.

They deflect the water and they don't rub so for the time being that's good enough for me.

Anyway, it was an enjoyable ride and I visited some of my favorite hidden climbs of the lower Hudson Valley (you can order my guide to these climbs for only $2.99 by clicking here), though by the end of it I was a bit waterlogged:

But while I may be wet and wobbly-fendered at least I have my integrity, unlike a certain Mario Paz Duque, who apparently doped his way to a 38th place at the Red Hook Crit Milano:

Paz Duque, who finished 38th, is now disqualified from the Milano No.7 results and receives a lifetime ban from the RHC and all Trimble Racing events.

As far as I know this is the first positive drug test from the Red Hook Crit, though it's been pretty obvious for awhile now that the new breed of fixie-crit bro is almost certainly doped to the gills:


I wonder if they'll flag his Strava account:

Of course, in an age when even 45 year-old Fondo Freds get caught doping none of this is particularly surprising, though that didn't stop VeloNews from gloating about it:

(Yeah, saying "Jumped the shark" jumped the shark sometime in the last decade.)

Yes, they really do seem to have it in for this event for some reason:

Which is suprising, because people in Colorado have such a laid-back approach to riding bicycles.

I mean sure, of course I think it's hilarious that someone got caught doping at the Red Hook Crit, but I'm not sure VeloNews gets to laugh at it.  After all, the magazine owes its entire existence to performance-enhancing drugs.  It's like a porn film company laughing at a model for having breast implants.

Because Jim Ochowicz totally hasn't jumped the shark:

Speaking of porn, I recently received a press release with the following subject line:

The Sexiest Cycling Bottle in History

And here it is:

Arrive L allows easier and intuitive entry and exit from cages, and pockets. Compared to standard bottles, it slides in and out with less resistance, and easily at severe angles, thanks to tapered ends. It also has a high flow rate, self-sealing silicone valve, and 710ml / 24 oz capacity.

Holy crap, is this a water bottle or a double-ended dildo?

Finally, a bottle that isn’t just a product of engineering. Visual balance and a streamlined shape captures the essence of cycling. The clean façade lacks graphics to scratch, and allows a neutral presentation. The high-gloss cap is available in nine colors, with a smoke black, semi-transparent body.

They should do very well with this whole no-graphics concept, because cycling teams, bike shops, and other organizations who order bottles in large quantities to promote themselves certainly wouldn't want any graphics on them.

“Cycling bottles haven’t fundamentally changed in decades. We’ve been stuck with brute cylindrical shapes, bad graphic design, and basic functionality ” said Yujin Kawase, Founder and CEO of ABLOC.

Thank you, Yujin Kawase, for liberating us from the bottle shape.  You should move onto the wine industry next, the bottle shape has been a huge problem for them as well.

Speaking of things nobody asked for, that paper helmet has made the New York Times:

As bike-share programs have proliferated in cities around the world, a clear point of friction has emerged for bicycle commuters: How do they protect their fragile skulls?

Really?  Has this been an actual problem?  They protect their fragile skulls the same when they do when they're walking or riding the subway or taking the bus: by doing their best not to fall on them.  Reminds me of that Mr. Burns quote: “Ever since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun."  Forget liberating us from bottle shapes; please liberate us from the bullshit idea that people need or want helmets to ride Citi Bikes three blocks at a time.

Many are unwilling to share helmets with strangers, because of germs and stuff. And carrying a helmet at all times can be a burden.

Lice.  They're called lice.

Luckily, a selection of foldable helmets has emerged to help solve the problem. This month, one such product, the EcoHelmet, won the 2016 James Dyson award, named for the British designer best known for making high-tech vacuum cleaners.

The helmet’s inventor, Isis Shiffer, will receive $45,000 to further develop the cheap, recyclable product, which is made from cardstock paper.

I gotta hand it to her, nothing gets people to open up their wallets like a good helmet gimmick.