Monday, October 17, 2016

The Importance of Being Prudent

Last Friday night my WorkCycles Fr8 was stolen:


And subsequently recovered.

Here's what happened.  Are you ready?


(Sorry for the corny pun.)
Then let's begin.

My older son's school does a "Movie Night" to benefit the parents' association.  Basically this involves a bunch of elementary school kids binging on junk food and then shouting at a screen in the auditorium for an hour and a half.  If you've ever been to the "Rocky Horror Picture Show" it's pretty much exactly like that.

So off we went.

We got a late start, and we rolled up to the school on the WorkCycles about 20 minutes after the movie began.  The sun had been down for at least an hour now so it was dark outside.  As I was about to lock my bike to a street sign I noticed that the lock I usually keep on the front rack was not there.  Then I remembered that I had used it to lock my son's bike to our outdoor rack the last time we'd ridden together.  So there I was with no lock, save for the WorkCycles's frame lock, which is basically one of these:


At this point I had three (3) options:

1) Go back home and get a lock, which would take a total of 20-30 minutes and take me over the highest natural point in the Bronx twice;

B) Go inside and ask someone if I could stow the bike somewhere;

III) Just set the frame lock and hope for the best.

Not only was Option 1 at odds with my inherent laziness, but by the time we got back we would have missed most of Movie Night, the highlight of my son's pre-Halloween social calendar.  As for Option III, only an idiot would do that.  After all, I've written four (4) books, and in at least two (2) of them I expound upon the importance of following proper locking protocol at all times--even when it seems like overkill.  Clearly the most sagacious choice then would be to take Option B.

So naturally I went with Option III.

I knew even as I made the decision that it was, objectively speaking, a bad one.  However, I was at that moment brimming over with good will.  See, I'm quite fond of my son's school, and amidst this kind and nurturing environment I temporarily fell victim to the delusion that parking my bike in a half-assed fashion outside of it was a gesture of trust on my part.  I had visions of emerging from the building in about an hour's time amidst a bunch of giddy children and contented parents, returning to my unmolested Dutch bicycle with its two kiddie seats, and basking in a sense of community.

Also, I reasoned, this isn't exactly Midtown, where the professional bike thieves ply their trade with power tools.  Only an opportunist is going to steal a bike in this neighborhood, and they're clearly not going to bother dragging away a 50lb bicycle from in front of a school once they realize it won't roll.

Even so, I wasn't totally delusional, and so I hedged my bet somewhat by parking the bike in some shrubbery by the entrance where it would be somewhat hidden from view.*

*[WARNING: The use of hedge and shrub in this sentence in conjunction with earlier corn joke meets or exceeds society's maximum allowable awful punning quotient.]

It's worth noting at this point that my six year-old son was not even remotely as naive as I was.  Indeed, as I stowed the bike in the hedges like a schmuck he expressed repeated concerns that somebody might steal it.  Imperiously and condescendingly, I dismissed these concerns.  "I think it'll be fine," I replied haughtily.  

And in we went.

About an hour later we indeed emerged from the building amidst a bunch of giddy children and contented parents, except instead of returning to my unmolested Dutch bicycle I returned to an empty patch of dirt behind some shrubs.  As is always the case in these sorts of situations, my first reaction was one of denial--someone must have moved it inside, I must have parked it somewhere else and forgot, etc.--though ultimately there was no getting around what had happened:

My bike just got stolen from Movie Night.

I turned to the head of the parents' association, who happened to be standing right there, and who I vaguely knew to be something of a bike person.  "My bike was stolen," I informed him, and before I knew it he'd given me his own bicycle (which, because he's not an idiot, he'd parked inside the school) and sent me off in search of someone dragging a 50lb bicycle while he undertook his own search.  

Off I rode into the night, attempting to put myself into the mind of the thief.  (The one good thing about getting your bike stolen at a school event is that there are plenty of people to watch your kid while you chase the perpetrator.)  Where would I go with my catch?  The school was mostly surrounded by private houses, and the nearest civilization into which one could conceivably disappear was Yonkers less than a mile to the north, so that's the direction I headed.  I rode up to and over the city line, then I came back, then I combed the neighborhood streets.  I figured sooner or later I was bound to see someone hauling an unwieldy bicycle with its generator lights flashing.

Nothing.

Defeated, I returned to the school.  I figured I'd get my son home, then hop in THE CAR THE BANK OWNS UNTIL I FINISH PAYING THEM BACK and resume the search.  Maybe instead of dragging the bike the thief had hidden it somewhere nearby in order to return to it later.  At the very least I could drive around all night playing "Love Hurts" by Nazareth over and over again while sobbing.

Fortunately, all this proved unnecessary, for a short while after I returned to the school so did the head of the parents' association--with my bicycle.  The thief (or thieves), it would seem, had indeed abandoned the bicycle nearby.  Two young teenagers he'd enlisted in the search had found it.  Of course neither of us could be totally sure they weren't the ones who stole the bike in the first place, but they seemed earnest enough.  And either way, I had my bike back, so I decided to believe that they were heroes and gave them a modest cash reward.

As for the bike, though I'd largely been made whole again, it was in a bit of a state.  Clearly the perpetrator had made a caveman-like attempt to open the frame lock.  The cylinder, while still operable, was sticky, as though they'd jammed something in there to wrench it open.  The rear spoke guards, while recovered along with the bike, were no longer on it.  They'd also clearly attempted to remove the rear kiddie seat as the thumb screws which old it to the frame were missing.  Finally, both tires were deflated, and since the valve caps were still on we figured the thief must have punctured them as a final "fuck you" before giving up.

Still, I had my bike, and as my son and I walked home with it (I had to push it over the big hill I'd been too lazy to ride over just an hour or so before) we both marveled at the sort of person who would unleash such abuse on a bicycle with a baby seat on it.  My son also reminded me over and over that he had told me not to leave it unlocked, and while I was tempted to reprimand him for his insolence I had no choice but to agree.  I did lamely attempt to spin it into a lesson about the importance of staying alert, but it was clear to both of us that the only person who needed a lesson that night was me.

So always lock your bike.

82 comments:

Pee Wee Herman said...

glad you found your bike

BamaPhred said...

Scranus

Serial Retrogrouch said...

tres

Drock said...

Log #4, yes proper chain lenght, as you were.

Charles Young said...

YAY! Bike recovered

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

Boommm!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...sounds like like an amateur theft job. I bet you'll find the fingerprints of those teenages all over it.

...glad your beast was returned to you. That is some resourceful parents you hang out with.

Dooth said...

Son knows best

grog said...

Your 17 kids are smarter than you.
Happy Ending.

N/A said...

Glad you got your bike back, Wildcat.

Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers said...

We see our selves TWICE in today's post.

Also, glad you got your bike back.

Bryan said...

We want...another shrubbery! Then you must cut up the mightiest of smug bicycles in the school yard with a herring!

Chazu said...

As a parent of fewer than seventeen (17) children, I see the teaching moments in today's blogular entry. I also see the inflection point at which a bad parent in the same situation could blame the theft on the child. ("If you hadn't insisted on attending Movie Night, my bike wouldn't have been stolen!") Yes, "adults" who are parents really do shit like that.

Anyone see the "Freakonomics" film? A father named his son "Loser" and a mother named her daughter "Temptress."

Plutarco said...

As a parent with a 17yr old daughter I can assure you will NEVER hear the end of this.

Plutarco.

Freddy Murcks said...

Way to follow your own rules, doofus. Count yourself lucky they didn't execute the final "fuck you" by throwing it into one of the bodies of water that surrounds NY.

Moz said...

Are you the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar?

janinedm said...

All hail the WorkCycle. Any other bike would be gone.

Anonymous said...

Same thing happened to Pee Wee.
Did you hear that he nearly died in that Sarasota porn theater?
Yep, massive stroke.

McFly said...

I thought you kept condoms in your pouch to apply to the hand grips in a dire situation. Keep a couple packets of ranch dressing for bonus security.

Anonymous said...

I guess you have had part of a true Dutch bike experience: departure, baptism, and return. To be truly authentic your bike would have been stolen by drunks, thrown into a canal, and sold back to you by a heroin addict. That bike needs a decal of Joseph Campbell's or perhaps Robert Bly's face to ward of any future bad mojo.

Blog Drafter said...

I hauled a early model mountain bike (Bianchi) to Anchorage once, thing weighed 50 lbs I swear. I lent it to my nephew up there to ride to the movies and he FORGOT TO LOCK IT. Best move ever; I didn't have to haul the cursed thing back! Insurance bought a spiffy Trek 730.

bad boy of the north said...

I'm glad that your bike was retrieved.make sure you give her tender loving care and a good cleaning in order to get the "ewwww" factor off of her.

Gnarlynickb said...

Fun adventure, I'm befuddled by so many aspects about this but it just reflects that NYC is riddled with vermin. I will further challenge RTMS on the following point:

It seems that Snobby is the one who didn't want to miss the movie--could have just left the kid with those trusted parents at the school before the movie started and gone back home for a decent lock . . .

Gnarlynickb said...

Geez, NYC is a filthy place. It seems I could have a guaranteed great time on a Friday night with a baseball bat and a bait bike.

Mike in Dallas said...

Point of order! Ugh, you DID lock it. And good enough that you got it BACK. That meets MY requirements for locking up a bike. Still undefeated if you ask me...

Gnarlynickb said...

Nah, that bike was stolen and getting it back was a miracle.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Gnarlynickb,

1) There's a difference between "Watch my kid because I forgot something at home" and "Watch my kid while I deal with an emergency situation."

2) Believe it or not bike theft is in no way specific to NYC. Mindblowing I know.

--Wildcat Rock Machine



wle said...

so would you guess that someone was casing the joint, staking out movie night, just in case one came along?

or someone regularly goes through the bushes looking for booty?

whenever i leave my bike unlocked at home depot, or some other big-box store, i ask, why would a bike thief think bikes would be here, where the stuff is too big to be carried home on a bike? plus it;s in NO_BIKE_LANE_LAND, so how could a bike even be here at all?

(of course at an actual home depot, there are plenty of bolt cutters, angle grinders, on TRUCKS (which could transport the booty away) in the actual parking lot all the time..)

but if i were to go to a college campus or library or starbucks NOT!, i would lock the thing within an inch of sunday.

wle

Gnarlynickb said...

Aw, I'm flattered by such a quick response. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. My comment was more along the lines of what my wife would have said to me, if I had a) needed to call her to come pick me up with my kid after my bike got stolen, or b) been late getting home because I had to walk after my bike got stolen. In either scenario my biggest problem would be her dismay at me having a fairly legitimate reason to go buy yet another bike. That's one huge upside to having a bike get stolen, is the opportunity to shop for a new one, sorry you were deprived of that in this situation.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Early Cannondale mountain bike - 26" front, 24" rear wheel, stolen from my driveway.
2004 Specialized Allez stolen from 26 Broadway near the charging bull.
2 fucking thousand and 16 department store Schwinn mixte stolen from the bike rack at the marina (which has a "security" guard booth near it and a camera on it).
Common thing: cable lock. A pretty thick one but, Manhattan and the driveway, use a big bar and just twist til the cable or lock gives. Marina - bolt cutta or grinding wheel.

So you gotta use a Kryptonite NY Forgettaboutit Lock if you really want to keep it.

Flats?
They were just protesting the pressureyouwererunnin...

vsk

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

i'd like to admonish you for leaving a bike unlocked and trusting the general goodness of the world (not). I am, however, the moron whose bike got stolen behind the backstop at the little league field, while I was playing catcher. No admonition needed. There's always someone stupider than yourself.

Gnarlynickb said...

I was kind of mentioning it as an option 4 in the scenario. It is an interesting insight into the state of trust among parents and between parents and schools. I have a 3rd grader, 2nd grader, preschooler, and toddler (literally, 18 offspring lol). I'm in the situation often, between soccer, gymnastics, birthday parties, and whatever, of having to trust other people and having them trust me. Once you get enough children, it's not a choice between letting a child out of sight or letting a bike out of sight, it's more a choice of which child to leave where for a few minutes while I retrieve one of the others. Would you have been understanding if another kid's parents asked if you'd keep an eye on their kid for them, for the same reason? Are you unwilling to ask them to do the same for you? Hard to say since you didn't consider this as an option, but the fact you didn't consider the option speaks a lot about the collective sense of community. Was your son's regular teacher present? Would that have been an option? Would your bike have been safer if you squeezed it between locked bikes on the regular rack?

wle said...

ida just stuck it inside somewhere, hoping forgiveness beats permission, at least it is faster

Gnarlynickb said...

The existence of specially designated NYC locks validates the assertion that NYC is indeed special, possibly singular in nature when it comes to bike theft

David G said...

BSNYC 1:58 p.m.:

It's pitiful that sending your kid without you into a room at his school, with all his schoolmates and their parents, to eat and talk in front of a movie screen, while you did an errand for half an hour, with the damn movie still running when you got back, would count as having other people "watch" him, to be availed of only in an "emergency".

To be clear, I'm not doubting you: I guess that is an accurate reflection of USAian culture 2016. I mean: ISIS, Ebola, and Etan Patz, right? And it was nighttime. Can't be too careful.

Gnarlynickb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

I lost my commuter bike about this time last year.

I was gone briefly and the cable was snipped.

I compounded my error by going to the local police station three blocks away to report the theft instead of going to look for my bike.

I was told to take a seat in the otherwise empty precinct house and an officer would fill out a report. Of course, there were five officers sitting around talking about the Mets (none with an informed opinion, but I digress).

After fifteen minutes, I suggested I'd go look for the bike because it had just been taken and I would come back. I was told not to go.

After another 15 minutes of cooling my heels, I was told there was no one who could take a report, but I should leave a number and they'd call me.

I did eventually get a form to fill out and, a day or two later, a report number.

Sigh. I still miss that bike.

Glad you got yours back.

bad boy of the north said...

Ah,stolen bikes.mine was stolen unlocked in the home I was raised in.haven't grown up yet.anyways,first bike I paid for.it was red.ross ten speed I think.still kinda miss it.

Just another victim said...

Stories about stolen bikes should come with trigger warnings or something.
Glad you got yours back, that so rarely happens.

BikeSnobNYC said...

David G,

I see where you're going with that but not applicable here for a number of reasons. It's really as simple as Dad thinking the bike would be fine.

--Wildcat Etc.

Bryan said...

I always wondered if the bikes with a frame lock - if someone tried to make off with it would just ruin a bunch of spokes. They got you good with #whatpressureyourunning? (zero, the answer is zero)

BikeSnobNYC said...

Gnarlynickb,

Yes, but NYC itself is not singular. The NYC they reference on the bike locks where pro bike thieves carry power tools is not the resisential NYC neighborhood I live in where an opportunistic teen or lowlife might make off with one.

--Wildcat Etc.

David G said...

BSNYC:

Fair enough, and of course there was that hill to ride over two more times.

dop said...

Those frame locks work just fine. My wife, daughter and I used them to park our share bikes, and they stayed right where we parked them in Copenhagen.

(clears throat) Copenhagen!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Wildcat, glad you got your bike back, the damage sucks but sounds like it all can be dealt with. As a parent of less than 17 children, I can say that each instance of when to ask someone else to watch your kid, has to be evaluated in the moment. The fact that you were already late and who knows what else going on in your life and family at that moment may have made Option IV a nonstarter, so Monday morning quarterbacking is not relevant.

Gnarlynickb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gnarlynickb said...

A decision was made that went against core foundational principles. This represents a crisis. This is exactly how Satan gets kids hooked on crack. It'll be ok just this 1 time. RTMS posted this as an invitation for comment. I would have quarterbacked this on Friday night at 7 pm, I just didn't read about it until Monday. "Who knows what else" has been happening to RTMS ever since before his kid was born and will continue to happen for at least another decade and a half; who knows what else is always going to be a factor, and we all need to be ready. Maybe getting the bike back is a sign that there truly is a Lob and she's trying hard to get RTMS's attention.

JLRB said...

BUT WAS THE BIKE THIEF WEARING A HELEMNT?!?

Very Slim Pickens said...

My museum quality (as in ancient) steel frame Fuji was stolen years ago, never recovered. The steel frame was indestructible, miss that bike even if it did weight a ton.

Le Inspector Clouseau said...

Doubt it was Re-Cum Babe; stealing a bike at night, when naked, would be C-O-L-D work.

CommieCanuck said...

...for a short while after I returned to the school so did the head of the parents' association--with my bicycle. The thief (or thieves), it would seem, had indeed abandoned the bicycle nearby.

So, ...it was a Trek?

Anonymous said...

I am loathe to proffer advice to Snobby, a clearly most learned-and-worldly-scholar-of-cycling-matters, but allow me to say perhaps forgetting the lock in the first instance is the problem here and having a lock for each and every bike one owns is the solution?

My practice is to "store" the lock on the most appropriate/convenient spot on individual bikes with the key in place. Attached to the key is a lanyard which, while the bike is stored, is wrapped around the nearest contact point: handlebars, seat or sometimes, even pedals. That way, one is "forced" to accommodate bicycle security before riding. When I pick up a bike to ride, I extract the key from the lock and loop it through those belt things on pants or wear it around my neck like a chain on the frequent occasions I ride naked.

In an no-lock emergency, adorning your parked bike with used condoms is a useful deterrent.

CommieCanuck said...

My kids' school (now mostly populated with the 18 fruit of my chamois) was built in the 60s, they have these Soviet cold-war era cement bike racks where you cannot possibly lock a bike, they are just designed to keep a bike upright, because in the 1960s, you just DIDN'T FUCKING STEAL A BIKE JUST BECAUSE IT WASN'T LOCKED. No one survived WWII and thought, "whew, now I can go steal bikes."

WTF...our generation sucks ass.

OLDE FART

CommieCanuck said...


In an no-lock emergency, adorning your parked bike with used condoms is a useful deterrent.


nah dude, that says "pussy magnet" to me.

After the Trump tape, it's ok to say pussy again.

MEOW MEOW

wishiwasmerckx said...

Canadians stealing bikes? Now there's something I'd loike to see...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Gnarlynickb, this is kinda hard to explain, but when your kid is the only Jew enrolled in a Catholic parochial school, sometimes leaving him with another parent just isn't an option.

Oh Canada said...

Anyone from Canada speak up, would Canadian Maple Leafs (real ones) protect nipples from Frost Bite?

Out of Sight, Out of Mind said...

A few years ago a guy told me he was out raking leaves. He lives on a corner lot and was on the side of the house away from where his open garage door was. He saw someone ride down the street and he thought to himself "Hey, that guy has a bike just like mine". And then he went back to raking leaves. You can figure out the rest.

Anonymous said...

I really hope you recorded Snob Jr repeatedly reminding you of how stupid your not locking up the bike was. That would truly be a great video.

If you foolishly forgot to record this last night, you could make a recording of him replaying the nights adventures to Sara.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 5:00pm,

I do store a lock on each individual bike. Only problem was I had broken with protocol earlier by using that lock on my kid's bike and subsequently forgot. The tangible reminder's definitely a good idea, though knowing myself I'll never implement it.

--Wildcat Etc.

Prudent said...

Call me Earnest

BikeSnobNYC said...

...I should add to that I store my WorkCycles outside, locked with a monster chain I leave at the rack. This is why I took for granted the lock I keep on the bike was there...another argument in favor of your reminder method.

Anonymous said...

you fucked up dude. Also your priorities are all wrong. Choosing the movie, to which you were already late, over the risk of leaving a $1500 bike essentially unlocked, at night, in the Bronx (albeit Riverdale) in order to placate your child is not smart. Don't do it again. You're welcome.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 6:18pm,

Dude. I know I fucked up. That's the whole point of the story.

Also, dude, no placating going on there. Kid didn't want to leave the bike, but Daddy insisted on playing it fast and loose with the bike.

It happens.

--Wildcat Etc.

PS: NEVER question my priorities.

Anonymous said...

Glad that your bike was returned.

Anonymous said...

Glad your kid got returned

jt said...

Sincerely fuck those guys who stole your bike.

Kudos for the lessons taught to your son; always lock your bike, never be too proud to admit when you've erred, Dad is not perfect so don't put pressure on yourself to be.

Glad you got the bike back.

Dave - Everywhere said...

Sorry to hear yer bike was stolen but happy to hear it was recovered but you left out the most important piece of information!

What was the movie you went to see?

Theodore said...

You dipshit.

Peter W. Polack said...

Great story.

I think it's fair to say, the bike's lock worked regardless of the damage. It frustrated the thief enough to give up, and you recovered the bike. No lock is unbreakable, but as a deterrent, yours served a function.

And you got a free wake-up call and a lesson. What you did was assess the situation and the potential to have the bike stolen, and made a judgment call based on that info. Unfortunately, this time it was wrong.

I did something similar. Many years ago, on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, I rode to my part time job as a bike mechanic. Strapped my tools onto my rear rack, a change of clothes too.

On the 15 mile trip home, in the dark (the bike had front/rear generator lights), I stopped at an outdoor gear store to buy new winter gloves. I assessed the situation just like you did; there was no pedestrian traffic because there was no sidewalk or homes, and it was the only business around. I thought I should park my bike on the side or rear of the store where it was dark and no one would see it (aka, the bushes) but said "Nah; I'm only gonna be in there 5-10 minutes."

Well obviously it was stolen; someone must have had the gall to throw it in their car and take off. Perhaps they even watched me when I arrived. They got my custom Bilenky Clubsman, my bike tools, and I just realized while writing this post-they stole my street clothes, too.

I paid a $250 deductible and got a replacement. It was a cheap/expensive lesson however you look at it, but I learned nonetheless.

Dirty Harry said...

Lissen punk...we shoot horse thieves in this country. So go ahead...steal my Schwinn.

Anonymous said...

What movie was it? I hope it wasn't the one with all the yellow creatures wearing goggles.

To everybody offering unsolicited advice. I have some for you: shut the fuck up.

Pandering Sycophant said...

Leave your kid (semi) un-attended or leave your bike? You made the right call & you'd probably make the same decision again.

McFly said...

A gentleman was trying to remove a Trek hybrid from my residence via the backyard. A lady left it back there for repairs. My neighbor (a cop) saw him and stopped him. He told him I said he could borrow it. So he (cop) calls me in real time with the guy right there and it did not end so well for the would be thief.

I got lucky and also learned a lesson.

Winky said...

Good luck findinh replacement thumb screws for the seat. If your big-box hardware stores are as useless as the ones around here, you'll find 112 similar screws that are almost, but frustratingly not quite, what you need.

MIss my clownbike said...

I had my three-months-old Brompton stolen from in front of Coffee Labs in safe, boring Tarrytown awhile back. I was inside getting a quick espresso on the way to the train. The police report helpfully noted that the bike had been left "unlocked and unattended"; merely implied was owner's total stupidity. Never got it back.

CommieCanuck said...

Canadians stealing bikes? Now there's something I'd loike to see...

It's horrible, you came back, and all you find is an apology note and cash for fair market value, plus HST.

janinedm said...

Wink makes a good point. I had to buy a box of metric screws for my Workcycle.

Anonymous said...

Today's post title: The Prudence of Being Important.

You're welcome. Now get on with it!

Anonymous said...

Good on you for instilling the true value of a bike to your human child. And teaching fear of the bike thief to a 6 year old. I'm glad the early amber alert worked to retrieve your ride. That IS a close call. I also wonder if the reason you didn't choose B was because of who you are with the Moniker of BS. I too would've wheel that baby inside a building full of empty rooms for indoor parking like a double wide stroller. Only give reason and explanation if anyone looked at me slightly funny. But then, not many are known as THE Snob, ironically or not. I think the mistake was valuing community, trust and ease over the safety of your wheels. That'll learn ya.

Anonymous said...

As someone whose daughter lives in Bed-Stuy and rides a sweeeet Vitus 979 (a present from her Dad, to replace the one he built for her by himself, that was, uh, stolen in the 'burg despite being chained up), let me encourage everyone that NYC is not such a bad place. My first bike was a used blue 20" Schwinn, which was stolen while I was flying a kite circa 1960 in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. My Mom drove all over our part of town & actually found it in the thief's yard & retrieved it (!!!!!!) The point being that even in Norman Rockwell's America, there was the same old shit ....

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