Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Grab That Wednesday by the P****!

Wednesday means many things to many people.

For the working stiffs, it's hump day:


(Look at these suckers with their steady incomes and their health benefits!)

For Mario Cipollini, it's hump day:


(Then again, so is every other day.)

And for recreational marijuana enthusiasts everywhere, it's slump day:


(Then again, so is every other day.)

For one exclusive group of Freds, however, Wednesday means putting on your dandiest Rapha gear and pedaling off into the Palisades:


(Via @somebadideas)

It's worth noting that before the #Occupy movement a 1% biker gang meant something totally different:



But the times they are a-changin', as Jacob Dylan or John Lennon or somebody like that once sang.  1% biker gangs aren't a bunch of thick-necked, crank-addled motorcyclists anymore.  Now they're a bunch of urban professionals with depilated legs and a penchant for designer cycling clothing and exotic crotchal unguents:

At 8:30 on a Wednesday morning, most corporate big shots are hustling to the office or negotiating power breakfasts. But in a Soho bike-gear boutique, another group of movers and shakers is off the 9-to-5 grid. Casually sipping coffee, the men chat about recent rides, family doings and the odd business trip.

Are power breakfasts even a thing?

I wouldn't know.  My power breakfasts consist of peeling and scarfing a hard-boiled egg over the garbage before taking my kid to the school bus stop.  But that's because I'm not a corporate big shot, nor am I a member of the Fredly Illuminati:

Officially called the Wednesday Club Ride, but better known as the Freelancers Ride and organized by the elite two-wheel accessories company Rapha New York, the cultish jaunts are part bike ride, part secret society. The 40-mile weekly rides, which started two years ago, are opportunities for cementing relationships — and networking — on the open road, from downtown Gotham to the picturesque Palisades in New Jersey.

But don't be fooled.  They're not really freelancers.  According to Rapha they're actually a bunch of rich guys who can do whatever the fuck they want:

Despite the name, few participants are actually independent contractors. “We call it the Freelancers’ Ride so that people wouldn’t complain about it starting at 9 a.m., in the middle of the week, when most people are at work,” says Derrick Lewis, Rapha’s communications manager for North America. “These guys work at high enough levels that they can decide to take off the day or the morning.”

Though according to the riders themselves they're "in between gigs," which is otherwise known as being "unemployed:"

Judging by their chiseled physiques, pricey gear and sturdy bikes, the crew is pretty seasoned. Sipping an espresso at the communal table in the front of the store, Chelsea resident Paul Livornese, a 54-year-old advertising creative director who’s in between gigs, says he worked hard to hang on and stick with the group for the first couple of rides. “The Wednesday ride has upped my bike game,” he says. (Like most other participants, he became acquainted with the ride from being a customer of the store.)

So basically it's a ride for unemployed guys masquerading as a ride for rich and powerful guys who enjoy linguistically slumming by using the term "freelancing" ironically.

They should just call it the "Euphemism Ride" and be done with it.

Or, they could always call it the "Excuse Ride:"

“I’ve seen people here, between jobs, network for a few weeks or months, find jobs and then disappear,” says Livornese, leaving the impression that they became too busy working to ride. “I told my wife that I might find my next job through my cycling network.”

Wow, that's genius!  The only group of people who make more creative excuses for their self-indulgent behavior than cyclists is drug addicts.  Up until now I thought I'd heard them all, including but not limited to:

--"I need a new bicycle, the disc brakes will make me much safer."

--"Let's take a weekend trip to this really boring destination!  And oh, would you look at that, there just happens to be a Gran Fondo there!  What are the odds?"

--"Yes, racing takes up all my free time and when I'm home I'm detached and exhausted, but at least I'm too tired for philandering.  And that's good for our relationship."

Now you can add "The group ride might make me rich" to the list.

Speaking of excuses, Team Sky's would-be drug courier speaks!


"It was just an envelope, a Jiffy bag, a small Jiffy bag. As far as I know I could have been Speedplay pedals in there," Cope told Cyclingnews, before adding that the press were "digging at nothing."

"I don't know, no," he said when asked about the contents.

Wow, "Speedplay pedals" is an even better code word than "Edgar!"  But for someone who had no idea what was in the envelope he was carrying he's oddly certain it was nothing unusual:

"I don't have a clue what was in there. It wasn't something unusual either. If people were going somewhere they'd just say 'can you take this?'. There's no way that British Cycling are going to put something dodgy or illegal for them to take through customs. It's just not going to happen. It's just madness. You have to go through two sets of customs. Why are you going to take the risk?

"It was for the doctor," he added.

It seems to me someone with this combination of total faith and lack of curiosity regarding what he's carrying would make for the perfect mule--though he is more than happy to keep listing random things that could have been in there:

"It was nothing to do with Brad," he said. "I gave it to Richard Freeman. This parcel was asked for, for Richard Freeman. It could have been nasal strips or bandaids, I really don't know."

I realize Speedplays are pretty light, but I'm pretty sure a package containing them would still be considerably heavier than an envelope containing Band-Aids.  And sure, when you're in France and you need a Band-Aid it makes perfect sense to have them flown in from Manchester via Geneva.

Lastly, as a semi-professional bike blogger I receive some pretty ridiculous press releases, but few are as absurd as a vibrating navigation belt:

I'm not sure it's safe to have a vibrating accessory so close to your genitals, and if the route is particularly circuitous one could wind up lying in the middle of traffic twitching with pleasure.

I'll wait for the limited Cipollini collabo edition.

55 comments:

Blog Drafter said...

Just sitting in, in first?

McFly said...

Grab a p***y? By design grabbing one is not a viable option.

McFly said...

I suppose low hanging fruit may be the exception.

Synonymous said...

Almost podium. Welcome back, Wildcat. Hope the home schooling went well.

Ted K. said...

184. Nature makes a perfect counter-ideal to technology for several reasons. Nature (that which is outside the power of the system) is the opposite of technology (which seeks to expand indefinitely the power of the system). Most people will agree that nature is beautiful; certainly it has tremendous popular appeal. The radical environmentalists ALREADY hold an ideology that exalts nature and opposes technology. [30] It is not necessary for the sake of nature to set up some chimerical utopia or any new kind of social order. Nature takes care of itself: It was a spontaneous creation that existed long before any human society, and for countless centuries many different kinds of human societies coexisted with nature without doing it an excessive amount of damage. Only with the Industrial Revolution did the effect of human society on nature become really devastating. To relieve the pressure on nature it is not necessary to create a special kind of social system, it is only necessary to get rid of industrial society. Granted, this will not solve all problems. Industrial society has already done tremendous damage to nature and it will take a very long time for the scars to heal. Besides, even pre-industrial societies can do significant damage to nature. Nevertheless, getting rid of industrial society will accomplish a great deal. It will relieve the worst of the pressure on nature so that the scars can begin to heal. It will remove the capacity of organized society to keep increasing its control over nature (including human nature). Whatever kind of society may exist after the demise of the industrial system, it is certain that most people will live close to nature, because in the absence of advanced technology there is no other way that people CAN live. To feed themselves they must be peasants or herdsmen or fishermen or hunters, etc. And, generally speaking, local autonomy should tend to increase, because lack of advanced technology and rapid communications will limit the capacity of governments or other large organizations to control local communities.

bad boy of the north said...

yawwwnn!time to wake up and drink the coffee,vibrating belts and all.

Anonymous said...

So other cyclists look pretty goofy says the Fred who apprentice doesn't own a mirror

N/A said...

Cipolini is going to introduce a vibrating seatpost.

Anonymous said...

"Apparently" stoopid autocorrect

JLRB said...

So Simon said (giggle) it could have been band-aids, and the article linked to for Edgar (Alan Poe) says that was a Hamilton dope code ...

Band-Aids — Patches with testosterone gel in the center. After they were applied to the body for a couple of hours, the rider would receive a boost of testosterone. “And by [the next] morning,” writes Hamilton, “be as clean as a newborn baby.”

JLRB said...

and the Rapha Weeday riders who disappear didn't get jobs, they are slain, their hides are shipped off to Brookes for chamferring, and there inerds are used to make that Gel baby food for cyclists

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranus.

bieks said...

Snob, to enlighten you, "negotiating power breakfasts involves arguing with the Denny's server that you should only pay $5.99 for that $7.99 grand slam.

Dramacool said...

So other cyclists look pretty goofy says the Fred who apprentice doesn't own a mirror

Freddy Murcks said...

I think I want in on that recreational marijuana gig. Being a cyclist is becoming too embarrassing.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Up there in the earlies...

vsk

Anonymous said...

Free Lance ride? I didn't even know he was jailed

dop said...

Rapha Rides? So Passe. At least no one wore a Strava jersey like they do in Silicon Valley Power Brunch/Morning Rides

Trick or Treat said...

“I told my wife that I might find my next job through my cycling network.”

I wonder if a prostitute says the same thing.

Drock said...

Seems we need see through packages, might take the guess work out of what's inside. Oh look there are some pedals in there. And that one there has my juice, I'll have the second thank you.

N. Tesla said...

A vibrating chastity belt, delivering a massive electrical shock, is needed for any woman who comes within 100 yards of The Donald.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Bad boy of the north, wake up and drink the coffee?

Not today, it's Yom Kippor.

Bryan said...

Hmm, my work schedule is very flexible - I could easily show up to that Rapha ride, sans Rapha clothing, and try and blend in and be too pretentious to wear pretentious kit. They'd never know!
I don't understand everyone sitting together wanking over coffee - I make it at home so when I'm out there, I can just ride!

Per Square (American) or Round Inch (Canadian) said...

This 1% road riding employment office, no mention of what PSI (PRI for Commie) they run????? Hard to believe such an omission could occur in Snob journalism.

Just Stopping for One or Two said...

These 1% Coffee riders, seems logical that they would ride until the nearest craft ale brewery tasting room opens. It's not as if they have to be in the office or anything. And their wife's don't get out of work until around 5:00. Hard hitting investigative journalism needed.

Grump said...

So now there are two "famous" people with the middle name of "Pu$$y". One of them is a stud named Mario, and the other is some guy running for pubic ......I mean public office...His name soon to be forgotten.

Kramer said...

NY Times reports "Clown Hysteria Spreads to Britain" and in the body of the article you'll find this "...the police said anti-clown patrols had been increased in some areas."

bad boy of the north said...

wishiwasmerckx,ah,only if I was fasting.alas,i do have much to atone for,but I adhere to a splinter groups' set of traditions.which reminds me,xmas is a little over two months away.

wishiwasmerckx said...

It's okay, BBN, I respect your faith and traditions.

Also, somebody has to pay retail.

Bryan said...

#clownlivesmatter Kramer

McFly said...

Cipo swole AF.

Anonymous said...

I always wondered who buys that overpriced Rapha shit, apparently these guys. Why pay $50 for jersey when you can pay $170?

Anonymous said...

Wee day out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_7k3fnxPq0

bad boy of the north said...

Wishiwasmerckx,as I do yours.yep,someone does,but I'm still ain't gonna buy no high falootin'rapha.

Dooth said...

Shhhhsh...The Rapha Freeloaders ride is a double secret probation ride. Pass it on.

Rapharide said...

Pass on it
or

piss on it

Nuttin 2 Sey said...

I am at a loss for words

DB said...

New Danny Macaskill video called "Wee Day Off".
Looks like we'll need hay bale specific bikes now.

bad boy of the north said...

wow,bbotn....it's highfalutin.get it right.

DB said...

My wife and I walked past the Rapha store on Prince Street 2 weeks ago. She asked if I wanted to go in and check it out.
I reminded her of the WWLDD tattoo on my arm, and we walked on.
(What would Leroy's Dog Do)

N/A said...

While I sure enjoy making fun of hoity-toity Fred gear, I've never actually seen Rapha gear with my own two eyes. I'm sure it's actually all delightful gear meant to swaddle your scranus/vulvanus in the warm glow of smugness, but my area is more overalls than expensive Fred diapers.

bad boy of the north said...

db,you said dog do.it's okay.it's just locker room talk.

Spokey said...


that recreational marijuana enthusiast sure looks like a pro to me assuming he gets all those cheese doodles in his mouth without spilling any on the floor.

i loves cheesy doodles. i just have to drink heavily before eating them to forget the glyphosate, bt, msg, yelloer 4 & 6, etc.

Spokey said...

db

one hay bale bike? wadda want to do? kills yerself?

you need a std rectangular, large rectangular, cylindrical bale of hay bike around these parts.

Anonymous said...

Article says these 1% rides have avg speeds of 15 mph. They all need power meters to fixed this embarrassing slow pace.

Anonymous said...

Agreed, before I even read about the slow pace (do you even generate a draft at 15 m.p.h.?), one look at some of those TeleTubbys wrapped in Rapha made me think "not all that fit'. A better hobby for the 1%ers and the planet than keeping race horses, I guess, and they are probaly happier than myself!

Earl of Taint said...

If elected, one wonders how Mr. Trump would act if he ever had to greet the Queen. I do ever so hope he would refrain from any sort of unwonted grabbing of things.

Doc Sarvis said...

Maybe if they gave the real Ted K. a pardon he'd mail a package to every person who you mentioned today...

Anonymous said...

I feel better thinking that this could be the case

crosspalms said...

I went for a cultish jaunt last weekend. Small cult, inspired by Leroy's birthday ride of a year or so ago. This time I beat my age by a few miles, rode to Hobart, Indiana, and back, a little over 70 miles overall, on a lovely day just cool enough to keep a jacket on. Hard to beat being on a bike on a nice day. Thanks again for the inspiration, Leroy, and cheers to your dog, too. In the same spirit, I swore at no drivers, though I might have rolled my eyes a few times.

50 said...

50

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

A fat fuck like me can keep a 15 mph pace. Does that make me chiseled?

The Donald said...

Biking losers: I can do anything I want to you....grab you by the chamois, if I want. And you'll let me...because I'm me. I'm gonna make this country great again by putting all of you in Jail.

kayamawasailor said...

Without this blog I would be unable to find those bargain Rapha bib shorts at only $285.00. I been missing out buying Italian made shorts from China for twenty bucks on eBay.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

A fat fuck like me can keep a 15 mph pace. Does that make me chiseled?