And when it comes to Bromnambulating by rail there are few more Bromptastic train stations than this one at the confluence of the Harlem and Hudson rivers:
That tree-covered lump of land on the other side of the water is the last remaining bit of natural forest in Manhattan. Talk about wasted space! I really wish someone would put a glassy condo building on top of it already.
Plus, as you Bromp northward and leave the city behind, you get to enjoy a view of the New Jersey Palisades, which at this very moment is splatter-painted in autumnal hues:
The only thing that would have made the ride even more quintessentially seasonable would have been a Starbucks® Pumpkin Spice Latte:
Then I could have taken a sip, wondered who the hell drinks this crap, and splatter-painted the window with a massive spit-take.
Speaking of marketing, you'll be pleased to know there's now a new miracle frame material called "Dyneema:"
Or, as it's more commonly known, "plastic:"
Dyneema is DSM's brand name for its Ultra-High Molecular Weight Polyethylene (UHMwPE), which basically means 'really strong plastic'.
Of course, there's more to Dyneema than just marketing--even though the jingle to the tune of "Dayenu" practically writes itself:
It's also laterally strong and vertically buoyant, and they even use it to repair human ligaments:
DSM says Dyneema is 15 times stronger than steel but floats on water, and the fiber has long been used to do everything from moor oil rigs at sea to repair human ligaments.
This is great news for anybody currently on a waiting list of a frame made from actual human ligaments.
Sadly, too few people donate their bodies to science, and almost nobody donates their body to artisanal framebuilders--despite an aggressive PSA campaign:
Presumably once Dyneema takes over, "prosthesis grade" will be the new "aerospace grade."
Best of all, Dyneema is able to withstand impacts:
DSM claims Dyneema Carbon will make carbon bikes better at absorbing both road vibrations and outright impacts to the frame tubing. Regular carbon is "strong, stiff, lightweight and easy to mould. But it's not so good at handling impact," said DSM Dyneema scientist and part-time professor at Delft University of Technology Roel Marissen.
Great news. At this rate carbon bikes will be almost as good as metal ones in 50 years.
In other news, New York City's bike messengers are forming a labor union:
Sadio Ballo, an executive committee member of the new union, said they're forming the union to "build collective strength to improve the appalling conditions that couriers work under."
This is all too true. For example, bike messengers depend on marijuana in order to do their jobs, but did you know that they must consume it furtively while on the job? Modeled after legislation guaranteeing the rights of breastfeeding mothers, the messenger labor union will push for guaranteed weed breaks, private places for weed consumption, and of course the ability to pay for vaporizers with pre-tax dollars.
Additionally, the union will also push for guaranteed leave time in the event of injury due to participation in an ill-advised fixie video like this one:
Students of fixie cinema will recall that gratuitous motor vehicle-touching is a hallmark of the genre:
Well this video takes it a step further:
And instead features pizza-rubbing:
Which raises an important question:
Does applying friction by means of a slice of pizza, however viscous, count as using a brake?
I would put forth that it does.
Oh, and when he's done with the pizza, he throws it onto the hood of a taxicab:
It's worth noting that, among the young and entitled set, it's always acceptable to humiliate and degrade taxi drivers.
It's also worth noting that in 2016 these sorts of fixie exploits have become so dated and corny that the coolest cyclist in the video is the Citi Biker who appears for about one second towards the end of the video:
Seriously, have you seen how upset old people get about Citi Bike at community board meetings? Bike share is way more cutting-edge and rebellious than fixies these days, and it makes a much bolder political statement to boot.
In other words, it's only a matter of time before we see a video of someone riding around on a Citi Bike rubbing buses with pizza.
Lastly, remember this guy?
You know, the Cat 5 who borrowed his friend's bike and then smashed it?
Probably not. These things have a shelf-life of about three days.
Nevertheless, here's an interview with him that sheds new light on the incident nobody cares about anymore anyway:
(Is he one of those scary clowns I've been reading about?)
In particular, he claims that he: 1) Saved lives that day; and 2) Received permission beforehand to smash the bike:
At the Red Hook race, I avoided running someone else over. I decided to take the wall instead of hitting the other biker. I had the choice of hitting and possibly killing him or hitting the wall. The bike was completely totaled from that. I knocked out after the crash, picked up the bike, and walked to the finish line. At that point, my emotions kicked in because I realized my equipment was gone and decided to finish it (the bike) off. What most people don't know is that I had permission to do what I did from the guy who gave me the bike. I just put the horse to rest. As for what impact this event had on my social media, the day after the race news stations picked up the dramatic clip, reaching all the way to China and Japan. There is always going to be a negative side of social media... but from this incident, I gained about 4-5k new followers the week after the race.
I'd love to see what he could do with a pizza.