Thursday, January 29, 2015

Rebellion is a dish best served lukewarm.



(If you say so.)

Have you ever woken up in the morning determined to take life by the balls, only to realize that life is a woman and she owns you completely, at which point you surrender in short order?

Me too.

Still, that doesn't stop us all from pretending we're heroes in our own personal narratives, or that we have any measure of control over the vicissitudes of existence.  Take the videos of Lucas Brunelle, daredevil cinematographer and expert bike handler:



He and Benny Zenga have collabo-ated on yet another video, this one entitled "Road Sage," to which I was alerted by the latter party:

I think you'll enjoy this one. 

Advanced perspective transcendent urban cycling -or- suicidal tendencies cyco-vision. At any rate, it’s a nudge to forgo being a spectator and go for a bike ride.

Thanks,

Benny



ROAD SAGE from Zenga Bros on Vimeo.

And which, mere moments before press time, seems to have mysteriously and inconveniently disappeared after I went through the trouble of taking screenshots and everything:


I cannot stand the smug error messages you get from websites.  "Sorry, there seems to be like a problem, dude.  We're totally working on it and stuff."  Fuck you.  I especially can't stand them when they suggest that something I watched with my own goddamn eyes just moments ago may not have ever existed, because that's both flippant and Orwellian.

This didn't happen back when we used VHS, even if we did have to constantly futz with the tracking.

Anyway, the video starts thusly:


If I may offer the filmmakers a word of advice, you should really stop with the whole dictionary definition opening title thing, because it's trite:

trite adjective \ˈtrīt\
: not interesting or effective because of being used too often : not fresh or original

In fact, the above descriptor applies to the entire video, which could be why they deleted it.  Predictably, it features all the usual hallmarks of Lucas Brunelle's work.  There's the skitching:


The obligatory "Ooh, they ran a light in front of a cop, take that, system!" clip:


The "elbowing your way through a yellow cab Malachi Crunch like a dumbass" maneuver:


And of course the ever-present car-and-truck touching:


Yes, always with the touching:


It's like they're priests and the cars are little boys.

(There's a good word to describe that joke, by the way...)

Of course, before you fondle a motor vehicle you should always engage in a bit of foreplay.  For example, try mounting the sidewalk:


Skidding in front of an elderly pedestrian:


And then groping the bus:



He sure showed that old guy and that bus who wears the "jorts" around there.

Speaking of urban cycling clichés, there's even fixed-gear freestyle, which means Brunelle must have been sitting on some stale footage from 2008:


To be perfectly honest I kind of miss fixed-gear freestyling.  Those people used to get sooo defensive when you'd tell them how stupid it was, and somehow they managed to live in complete denial of both BMX and artistic cycling for a good year or two.  Then, all of a sudden, they all gave up and bought road bikes--though evidence of the "sport" lives on in videos made by aging people struggling to remain relevant, like this one.

Nevertheless, you've got to give Brunelle credit, because he's the undisputed master of petty rebellion porn:


(THEY'RE NOT PAYING THE TOLL, THEY'RE NOT PAYING THE TOLL!)

Check out these duders falling all over themselves in traffic like a bunch of Cat 5s (probably because most alleycat racers are Cat 5s):


And thrill to this flagrant salmoning:


At this point I started getting bored, so I skipped ahead to some of the rider interviews, and those made my brain hurt so I gave up.

Now the video's gone.

Sigh...

Speaking of adrenaline-charged thrill rides, a reader informed me of this commercial for the 577-horsepower Mercedes AMG Über-Teutonic SpörtzVagen complete with MILF-Drive and Wank-O-Tronik paddle shifters:



Which the woman in the commercial uses to get to a spin class:


You'd think that if you wanted some exercise on a lovely autumn day you could just ride a bike outside instead of driving to an indoor spin class.  Then again, the roads are probably too dangerous for that, thanks to all those rich suburbanites rushing to spin class in their supercharged luxury cars.

I think you call that "irony."

As for me, you won't find me in spin class.  I do exercise inside though, and I've been using this workout to good effect (via another reader):

 

Laughter is good for the core.

82 comments:

Anonymous said...

Firsty?

Jake Dean said...

Not gonna mention "podium" in this comment, not even once.

Boyd Furmston said...

P

Anonymous said...

Wow- in the top five

HELL FUDGE said...

Lot of palping in this post without using the word

wle said...

firth of forth
or fourth of forth
froth du fourth?
wle

Grump said...

That last one almost caused me to blow snot out of my nose.

Anonymous said...

I blame Premium Rush. For the car touching. And for being trite.

Anonymous said...

FS!! MY NEIGHBOR SUCKS HOPE HE DIEZZZ FROM HAMMERZ

P. Bateman said...

out of breath. still made the top 10?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...i'll take 11

Bryan said...

First off, I will gladly take a courtesy cunt.
Secondly, my city is having their first ever stupid alleycat race. We are always late to the party, which should have ended before it even began. Note: it is a relatively small southern city, with absolutely zero bike messengers in employment.
Thirdly, as soon as that guy started wrapping that band around his neck in the workout video, I thought he was going to start jerking off and be one of those guys. A little too weird for me. There has to be an easier way to choke yourself

McFly said...

Miss Manners makes a better ride.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...wholly shitz. all that triteness jam-packed into under 2min of vid! he should get a medal of douchedom for that.

JLRB said...

Where are the Alley Dogs when we need them

JLRB said...

AND that last video did not need to exist

JLRB said...

BUT - gotta go - it's time to ride my spin bike to my SUV class

P. Bateman said...

Snob, i was going to admonish you for suggesting the E63 wagon was force fed, but you are correct, twin turbo.

When did they do that? the old 6.3 was naturally aspirated.

regardless, the E55 wagon is where its at anyway. well, that and the CTS-V wagon. that thing is a BEAST. BEAST i tell you.

stupid EPA/CAFE standards are turning every engine into a small displacement turbo. or a stupid electric fire hazard like tesla. Thank you very little obama.

i drove the new porsche 991 turbo S recently with its 560hp and can report that its a freaking snooze fest. these new cars all handle too well. they ARE very fast, but they dont FEEL fast at all.

the rental chevy sonic i had this week was MORE fun than that stupid VW BEETLE/Poorshe.

the other problem is weight. all the new standards for safety and all the crap technology make them all pigs. and no matter how much horsepower all that weight is just too much to overcome.

this from the idiot who has been seriously considering a CL600 twin turbo V12 that weighs as much as an aircraft carrier. and is also probably full of the same amount of sea mans from the previous owner. because if you have a V12 CL you will GET SOME.

maybe i should just ride a bike instead.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...thank lob that the vid is gone. i almost wretched just seeing the screen grabs.

PotbellyJoe said...

Flappy-paddle shifters are the Guitar Hero of manual transmissions, just as spinning is the Guitar Hero of riding a bike.

That said, I'd gladly take that car over my Kalifornia-built hatchback.

Thank Lob the video never existed.

samh said...

We all would have just looked at your screen captures and not bothered watching the video anyway. Please take a moment to thank Vito for doing all the work for us, Snob.

Old-timer said...

Morning!! Love to stay and chat, but gotta get going! Me and my “aging” mates have another impossibly challenging day ahead of us …our struggle to remain relevant. “Relevant: having some bearing on or importance for real-world issues.” But first, a short ride over to the cafe for coffee and doughnuts…

dop said...

WRM's annotated screen shots are generally more palatable than the original videos.

In the sequel to the workout video, the model actually chokes a live chicken.

Flyover BC said...

How is it foreplay if you go straight to "mounting the sidewalk"?

I guess it's possible to mount the sidewalk if there's a suitable crack.

This comment does not exist said...

Dude.

James said...

insert auto-erotic asphyxiation joke here.

crosspalms said...

I like to leave a bunch of hammers and freshly sharpened chisels on my workbench when I exercise nearby. Helps me focus.

P. Bateman said...

does the workout guy have a watterbottle in his shorts? i guess you'd call those shorts right?

funny enough, i know a fellow here in town is trying to "launch" a brand of workout "straps". basically super strong material like a firehose that you can tie around random heavy shit. like found art meets the gym. he also has a similar fucking absurd video that is very cringe worthy.

i swear i'm not trying to promote this. i would NEVER recommend this to anyone. i would only recommend the sales video - particularly the "team building synergy" portion

http://gripsling.com/

DB said...

Crosspalms for early COD.
Wrap up on Colorado Springs highlights: Poor Richards pizza, Shuga's for drinks and the Adams Mountain Cafe for breakfast.
Snob: I'm with RCT and others from yesterday who suggested you market a Tshirt. It took me ten years to pay off my daughter's private college education and it will probably be 50G by the time Lil' Snob is headed there if not more.
Put the Tshirt proceeds into a Vanguard index Fund or marijuana dispensaries and hopefully you'll be okay in the future.

mikeweb said...

Does Brunelle still ride around with those huge circa 1980s DVR VHS or whatever the fuck they are things strapped to his helment? Like some kind of idiotic Bullwinkle with bad teeth?

Please tell me does.

jodphoto said...

I like the video of Kramer doing his exercises.

DB said...

Where are the Courtesy Cunts?
Must be a neighborhood I haven't visited yet.

jodphoto said...

Spelling doesn't cunt, though.

dop said...

Colorado Springs Highlights: Garden of the Gods RV Park. In 2007 they wouldn't let me in because my rig was more than 15 years old. I said oops & lied .

Comment deleted said...

I could have done without the courtesy cunt in the last video.

babble on said...

LOL!!!! OMG that "choke me while I stick stuff in my pants" guy has serious unresolved issues.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

the subway sign is missing a comma, right?

Herschel Raney said...

I know not how you found that last video. But I have no words. Why not just have vigorous sex while wearing your tie around your laryngeal airflow? (Please do not send me that video!)

Was looking forward to some New York Snow Bikers powering on through the 'pocalypse. Sigh. Looks like Boston would have to do it for us.

commie said...

That last video..isn't that how Michael Hutchence died?

CHOK WANK

Regular guy said...

Wow, that last video. I'm glad I'm at work and had the sound muted.

That must have been how David Carradine died. And dude, if you have to stuff your shorts, at least use something that looks natural.

rudy jenkins said...

Lucas is selling Road Sage at his website for three bucks: https://www.lucasbrunelle.com/shop/road-sage-hd-download/

JLRB said...

Lucas can shove road sage in that other guys shorts

JLRB said...

Be someone who makes it a better ride for everyone?

Don't be a leg spreader?

Can these two initiatives work together?

McFly said...

The only time I have ever grabbed life by the balls is when I was giving it a reach-around. (I like to think my commentating is more original than the doppleganger)

DB said...

What will babies' first tattoo be?

flank_steak said...

You'd think that if you wanted some exercise on a lovely autumn day you could just ride a bike outside instead of driving to an indoor spin class.

Isn't it obvious? You can't get put on the front row at the spin class if you are riding around the dangerous streets. Because, maintaining/dominating social rank is their job.

And what kind of rock or bridge have you been living under? THE STREETS AREN'T SAFE!!!!!
####
If you ask questions to figure out exactly what they are afraid of, the conversation goes nowhere and you are the one with a problem.

Can you tell I've had that fruitless conversation before?
##

leroy said...

Oh now I see why all afternoon my dog has been singing a Freddy Mercury/Lucas Brunelle mash-up homage:

"I want to ride my trite-cycle, I want to ride real trite."

I tried to explain that fat headed goys do not make the rocking world go round, but he wasn't listening.

As for squeezing between cabs, heck anyone riding a Citibike this morning would have done that (and not necessarily by choice) due to the lingering road slush narrowing our arteries like a day old Krispy Kreme.

Don't ask me how I know.

JLRB said...

Come now, let's not make fun of the misspelled sign. We all know how it is supposed to read, so lets get on with it:

Curtsy Cunts

Comment deleted said...

JLRB @ 2:43: not what I was hoping for at all.

50 cent said...

How I fell

Angry Beaver in Miramichi said...

So in the MB commercial two balls are seen rolling around in the back of the Stegosaurus sized SUV. Two balls, people in advertising are just so subtle.

ant rider said...

Haven't pee-rused bsnyc in a while. Disheartening to see readers (or at least the commenters) seem to have forgotten (never knew?) the blog is intended to be light-hearted and fun. We all, regardless of our chosen mode of transport, need to be able to laugh at ourselves. That's why I love the BS. Don't the commenters realize the guy in the last video was just having fun a little fun poking fun at a lot of the wacky "fitness" videos? Reminds me of the republican viewers who actually thought Colbert was "real" Lighten up folks! Not everyone takes themselves as seriously as you do!

Anonymous said...

I be impressed by Lucas when he touches and feels his way through the urban landscape pulling two kids in a bike trailer like snob would.

Anonymous said...

A rabbi and a catholic priest walk into a bar. And they are getting pretty tore up...

Catholic priest says, "hey, I got a crazy idea. Let's go fuck some choirboys.

Rabbi says, "fuck them out of what?

Aardvark Fucker said...

I guy walks into a bar riding an ant, watching a stupid video, and criticizes a bunch of other people because he is a douche

JB said...

ant rider, Hmmm...I think you've taken the video more seriously than anyone.

JLRB said...

One more reason to not Fred out in stretchy clothes (which I admit I do) - it helps fund those creepy, boring, greedy, selfish Koch Brothers which should be pronounced Cock, not Coke

Anonymous said...

Here you go, New Zealand has its own Keith Maddox now, in the form of one Pauli Mac.
http://www.stuff.co.nz/motoring/65580329/road-rage-drivers-own-video-is-evidence

bieks said...

This comment section is getting out of control.

dop said...

A womanwass being evaluated by the cia as a potential assassin...as a final test of obedience, she is given a gun & told to enter the next room & shoot the man at the table. (only obedience was being tested...the bullets were blanks. The cia examiners stood outside the room & listened. Immediately, there were 2 shots, followed by some shouts and the sound of a struggle, ending with some loud thumps. The woman walked out of the room bruised & disheveled.

"What happened in there?", she was asked.

"That lousy gun had blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair"



dop said...

I fucked that up....the man was her husband.........

Anonymous said...

Snob, is it selfish to let your wife put your two lobsters to bed and just watch Steven Seagal kick ass and ride the rollers?

crosspalms said...

Is 577 horsepower enough for city driving? Asking for a friend.

BamaPhred said...

Courtesy Cunts. Sounds like a debutante social event. And commenting section quit working with iPhone without signing into googler. So I'm late, deal with it.

BamaPhred said...

You do need at least 577 HP. It's necessary to accelerate past cyclist, then slam on the brakes to right hook into your McMansion. Cunts, the lot of them.

Holy Roller said...

In the good old days, God would have rained fire and brimstone down upon that Transverse Abominable/Gluteal/Hamstring/Lat/ Forehead Mobilt Sinner, and the world would most surely be a better place. Amen.

BJMW said...

Can she work a stick?

bad boy of the north said...

thanks snob for posting that last video.i now have to slam my head into a wall...

Anonymous said...

She is running late for spin class so of course there is a parking spot right in front of the front door.... because apparently everyone rode their bike to get to spin class. I feel like having a good suicide.

Michael John said...

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New nose said...

Damn my shit stinks - who knew

babble on said...

anon @ 8:29 - it is if you don't lay yer wife, too, before you call it a night.

babble on said...

Fuck. Hit and run left a cyclist dead by the side of the road here in Abbotsford. Fuckfuckfuck. :(

SK said...

meant to leave this comment here

I wonder if Brooks also thinks that using dictionary definitions is trite.
http://brooksengland.com/cambium/.

meltyman said...

JLRB at 5:55 PM: Not all spandex is Lycra: "Brand names for spandex include Lycra (made by Koch subsidiary Invista, previously a part of DuPont), Elaspan (also Invista), Acepora (Taekwang), Creora (Hyosung), INVIYA (Indorama Corporation), ROICA and Dorlastan (Asahi Kasei), Linel (Fillattice), and ESPA (Toyobo)."

So make sure your next shorts use Acepora, Creora, INVIYA, ROICA, Dorlastan, Linel, or ESPA brand spandex! I know I will.

meltyman said...

Not Again: NYPD Busted for Ticketing Cyclists on a Bike Path, This Time in Central Park (Gothamist)

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Stop funding the Koch brothers when George Soros turns pro American.

vsk

Anonymous said...

I mean 'Murican . . .

vsk

Cyclebitch said...

"I was commuting without fossil fuels"

What about the coal-ash belching power plant you used to charge that P.O.S?

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Jade Graham said...

After college I went with the couple that had organized those annual rides from San Francisco to Puerto Vallarta Mexico, thruster fixie