Greatness is Elusive

So have you seen The Greatest Fixie Video Ever yet?  Sure, of course you have.  But you know you want to watch it again:



I first learned of this video from Stevil Kinevil of All Hail the Black Market, and since then it has gone "viral," infecting even the Today Show--because Americans love nothing more than laughing at cyclists:

A video posted by jeremysantucci / TUCCI GUCCI (@jeremysantucci) on Oct 4, 2016 at 6:24am PDT

The above video is via the rider's own Instagram, and as you can see in the accompanying commentary he's already apologized for his "unsportsmanlike conduct"--an apology I'd argue is completely unnecessary since the entertainment value far exceeds the value of his plastic bicycle.  (Or, more accurately, his "homie Sergio's" plastic bicycle.)  After all, it's been years since the "Joey's OK" video:



And since then we've been subsisting on a thin gruel of triathlete fails and roller mishaps:


As for the backstory behind this latest video, from what I can gather, the rider threw his bike because he had just crashed out of the qualifier for the Red Hook Crit in Milan.  Here's how one of his bros describes it:

Here is the full video for those who asked. @jeremysantucci got touched and broke his bike after he survived to a terrible crash, not his fault, in which he risked seriously his life. For the records the bike was already damaged. #thewonderfulsocks #jeremysantucci #cyclinglife #cycling #fixie #redhook #jeremyishuman

Right, so basically your #garden #variety #temper #tantrum.

But I wasn't satisfied with the trite outburst/apology cycle and concominant #blizzard of #hashtags that has become all too familiar in the Internet age.  I also wanted to know more about the rider himself, and by extension this new breed of globetrotting fixie crit racers.  Well, as his "Blue Steel" Twitter profile pic suggests:

When not riding a bike he's a model:

And sometimes even an underpants model:

What's more, this clearly isn't the first time he's taken his anger out on the tools of his trade, and here he is flagrantly tearing his clothing to pieces:

("They're my homie Sergio's, he's like family, so he was nice enough to lend me these beautiful boxer shorts...")

Presumably he stumbled on the runway and his temper got the better of him.

Yes, Santucci is possessed of both smoldering good looks and smoldering rage--though the bike throw seen 'round the world was a long time in the making, for this isn't the first time he crashed out of a Red Hook Crit qualifier:

Jeremy Santucci, 35, was one such rider who didn’t make it to the finals this year — though he probably should have. With three laps to go in a strong qualifying race, Santucci found himself sitting comfortably in sixth position when the rider in front of him crashed. Santucci went down with him, taking a pedal to the face and then getting hit from behind. His Cinelli Mash frame was destroyed and he was suddenly out — but he’ll be back. “The Red Hook Crit is the wildest, most adrenaline-filled race you could ever be involved in,” the New York City–based cyclist says. “You have the fastest track racers from around the world coming to battle it out on an F-1 course without any brakes. We’re all just a bunch of adrenaline junkies who want to go fast.”

I learned two things from the above.  First, never, ever lend Jeremy Santucci your bike.  Second, and far more profound, it must be incredibly frustrating to command the lens as a model yet eternally be chasing the elusive wheel of fixed-gear greatness.  It just goes to show that cycling is the great equalizer, a realm in which the unemployed couch-surfer can drop the filthy rich hedge fund manager, and the wily old Fred or Frederica on the steel bicycle can outwit the millennial on the plastic superbike.  Indeed, the dues we've paid elsewhere are non-transferrable to cycling, and we all start with an account balance of zero.  I mean sure, Santucci was winning races this past summer...but they were Cat 5 races:

I'm no great fan of USA Cycling, but there's something to be said about learning the fundamentals of bike racing before targeting a race that takes the criterium concept to its limits.

Then again, he's easily now the world's most famous Cat 5, whereas back in the last century I was merely the world's pastiest Cat 5:

(Oy.)

Ah yes, those were the days...quill stems and square tapers, razor nicks on my weak and pallid legs, and my very first taste of sweet, sweet crabon with that fork.

I was far more humble, but perhaps I had reason.  Maybe it was because there was barely an Internet on which to brag...or maybe it's because I didn't exactly have what it took to become an underpants model:

Oh please, don't pretend you didn't notice.

Speaking of bike racing, the UCI may have to shorten the World Championship road race in Qatar due to "extreme heat:"

Heat is going to be a big issue at this year’s UCI Road World Championships, with temperatures expected to near 40 Celsius despite the later date. With this in mind, the UCI has taken some measures to ensure the safety of the riders and staff, including daily temperature checks and a ‘beat the heat’ booklet.

Daily temperature checks?  Booklets???  What about FAN HATS?!?

On the UCI website, the governing body explained that a group of four experts - Dr. Anton Zasada, Dr. Olaf Schumacher, Dr. Sébastien Racinais and Dr. Juan Manuel Alonso – will give daily assessments of the weather forecast and convene before each road race. Further checks, using ‘thermal stress indicators’, will be done by two UCI representatives. Decisions will then be made on the basis of these tests and consultation with Athlete’s commission president Bobbie Traksel and President of the Commissaires’ Panel Ingo Rees.

Presumably those "thermal stress indicators" will be applied directly to the scranus as crotchal conditions are by far the most important dataset in terms of performance:

(You can never have enough data.)

And here's the booklet [warning: PDF]:

Which contains diagrams telling you stuff you already know, like the sun makes you hot:

And no, I wasn't kidding about those thermal stress indicators on the scranus, because check out where the thermometer's pointing:

Still, I would have taken a different editorial direction with the pamphlet, such as this:

Or this:

Or even this:

It's fun for the whole team!

Just fill it out, send it in, and you'll be transcending those pesky physical limitations in no time.

If only this triathlete had had a TUE for ChapStick:



"Superbowl of Ironman," really?

That's the Superbowl of dumb analogies.