Wednesday, October 14, 2015

They Say No Two Wednesdays Are Alike

Further to my most recent hand-chamfered post for the Brooks England Blog, there was some reader speckleation as to what kind of bird was strafing the Hudson in this picture:


Here's a closer look:


Well, I don't know crap about birds, but my best guess is it's a hawk.  I am also no stranger to urban hawk photography, having captured this incredible image way back in 2010:


("I'll take that order to go.")

That is a red-tailed hawk snatching an unfortunate pigeon right off of Avenue A.

If only they'd do the same to all the first-year investment bankers who take over the neighborhood on weekends then we'd really be getting somewhere.

Also with regard to the aforementioned post, I apologize for not providing you with detailed ride stats, but you have to understand that I was not wearing my space-tastic futuristic Fred glasses:

I'll tell you right now that sunglasses won't replace my bike computer because I don't use a bike computer.  I haven't used one in years, since it dawned on me that 90% of the time I know exactly where I am and how far I'm riding, so why do I need a computer to tell me something I already know?  Plus, half the time they're either not picking up properly, or else the battery's dead, and then you're all annoyed over the non-functionality of something you didn't even need in the first place.

Of course, the glasses are much more reliable in this respect.

Or not:

I got a chance to ride briefly with a late prototype version of the Everysight system last week around Boulder. Although the pair I used had some minor bugs (like dropping the connection to my HRM strap), I still came away impressed with the functionality and quality.

Wow.  Space glasses dropping the connection to your heart rate monitor is the very definition of "Fred People Problems."  It's also a very serious one, because if you don't know your exact heart rate for a few minutes then how will you know if you're tired?

They'll also tell you how hard the hill you're climbing is:

Riding uphill, I swiped forward to a climb screen, which displayed information like hill gradient. At the summit, a quick tap brought up a map that showed me my position on the descent, including upcoming switchbacks. That allowed me to essentially “see” farther down the road than I could unaided.

See that?

You just won the race right there.

By the way, here's the most Fred-tastic image you'll see all year:


("Calling planet Fredia, come in planet Fredia...")

Evidently the space glasses require you to take your hand off the bars, which is great news, because if there's one thing Freds need it's more ways to crash.

But don't worry, because it's not distracting or anything:

Was all this information distracting? Less than I had feared. The HUD focus is set to, more or less, infinite distance, so unless you’re looking at something very close to you, switching your view from the road to the HUD display is effortless and almost instantaneous; I never had a problem looking “past it” to see my surroundings, and it’s actually easier to use than looking down at a computer display. There’s also a mode that drops the HUD out of view entirely.

I don't doubt this, because if you're already tracking your mileage, wattage, climbing, heart rate, and everything else, then you're already at a complete remove from the beauty of your surroundings anyway, so there's no way to distract you any further.  At this point Freds have clearly reached "peak distraction," so what's the difference if all that distraction is on their cockpits or on their face?

Best of all, you can use the space glasses to do live Strava racing:

What’s most interesting for cyclists is what a HUD system makes possible: everything from the ability to instantly snap a photo (and share it on social media) without even breaking your pedal stroke, to pacing a live Strava segment “race” against your PR or a KOM/QOM.

Here's a crazy idea: if you like racing, why not get a bunch of bike riders together, have them all ride together at the same time, and then see who's the fastest?

Nah, it'll never catch on.

Plus, I suppose Strava's indispensable at this point, because roadies have now become so insufferable that they can't stand each other's company for long enough to actually ride together.

Oh, sure, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "I'm hungry."  You're also thinking, "This Biek Snot guy hates everything."  Not true!  In fact, I recently saw a Kickstarter for something I think is pretty damn impressive:



An Xtracycle you can take on a train or store in an apartment?  What's not to like?  Plus, as the video points out, it's "smart:"


How smart?  Well, he's wearing a helme(n)t while sitting on a bike, which you should always do, because what happens if you get so caught up in the latest issue of Dwell that you fall over and bash your skull in?

Hey, all that open-plan kitchen porn can be very engrossing.

Of course, while his head is protected, his toes are dangerously exposed to the elements:


You don't want to wear open-toe shoes while operating a folding bike, because you're liable to get a digit caught in a hinge.

Additionally, the video claims the bike is useful for dating, though I'm inclined to disagree:


Then again, it seems to work for The King of Park Slope, so I should probably just keep my mouth shut:


("Hey ladies, wanna come to my brownstone and watch the Democratic debate?")

Speaking of life in New York City, it's safe to say at this point that "Vision Zero" is nothing more than a screensaver for those flashing highway signs, because our mayor is far more outraged by baseball plays than he is by runaway trucks killing mothers of five:

The juxtaposition of these two articles made me wanna puke.  How I dream of a day when De Blasio will even verbally acknowledge the insane frequency with which drivers kill people on the sidewalks, much less suggest a driver is "guilty as sin."  I realize he's afraid that if he upsets drivers he won't get re-elected, but doesn't this at least warrant a "C'mon guys, let's slow down"?

Apparently not.

This is one of the many reasons I've been doing my best to "reverse commute" these days:


Where nature is the only thing that blocks the bike lane:


You know, as opposed to police cars, and photo shoots, and human bones:
Yeah, that's right:



Reports are coming in this morning about what are believed to be a pile of human bones found in the bike lane on the northwest corner of First Avenue and 13th Street.

East Village resident Nate Brown shared these photos from the scene, where the NYPD has now cordoned off the area... 

Hey, that's not far from where I saw that hawk, so maybe they are preying on investment bankers.

Fortunately I didn't come across any human remains on this morning's "commute:"


Isn't that a lovely view?  I only wishing I'd been wearing some Fred specs, because the only thing it's missing is some data:


Ah, that's better.

And while I may have avoided human bones, I did roll through dog feces:


I'll take dried pulverized human bones over this any day.

In fact, I'd be positively delighted to roll over and over the corpse of whoever didn't clean up after this fucking dog.

So I tried to spray it off with my water bottle, but that was a mistake, since all it really did was bring out the smell:


I guess you can't win.

I'll have to throw out the bike now.

109 comments:

herzogone said...

Podium!

N/A said...

Howdy!

Human Waste said...

Golly!

the Jimboner said...

SURPRISE!

dnk said...

Oops. I did it again.

Planet Fredia said...

Your circuit's dead, there's something wrong!

Anonymous said...

You can send the bike my way, I don't mind a little smell.

Old timer said...

Huh? What?

samh said...

All the way up to a 2.4 on the Fred index? Easy there, big shooter.

N/A said...

Plain ol' Tektro cantilevers? The Fuck-Os over at the forums are dying to tell you that you are having an inferior braking experience.

I spy another bikecycle in that last picture. Was there a sidekick on the ride? Since the days of the erstwhile BSNYC assistant, I often think it would be sweet for there to be some sick action shots of the Wildcat taking some sweet jumps on the trail behind the mall, but you need a bro with you to handle photo duties. doodies.

DB said...

Give the bike to Leroy!

N/A said...

@ Anonymous , 12:20:

Oh Lob, I hope you're not referring to that Brooks.

GatorJoe said...

Scranular conditions: arid

Priceless.

N/A said...

"Sweet" jumps? "Gnarly" jumps? I already used "sick" in that sentence. Fuck, I can't wait for Rosetta Stone to come out with a "Broham" edition. I only speak Jive.

ken e. said...

present!

Anonymous said...

@N/A:

Are you saying you're a "brotographer"? Do you take your "brotos" with a "brodachrome"?

N/A said...

I gots no "bro" in me. I'm a low-geared Schwinn-ridin', non-skinny-jean-havin', broken-down old man.

The Great Gazoo said...

Tell that guy with the Fred glasses that I want my helmet back.

Dooth said...

Damn, Wlidcat, your bike's got the cooties.

Anonymous said...

Scranular conditions: arid

Made me choke on my cuban sandwich

JLRB said...

Next up on kickstarter - Fred glasses that sense dog shit in the path

Gideon said...

Mr. BS,

When I read "ran over dog feces" the first thing that came to mind was, "I hope he doesn't spray it with water". That's all, don't really have a point.

Sincerely,

Not a robot

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

DOGF ECES

bad boy of the north said...

rode into dog feces?no shit?

Wiki said...

dude-bro:
(slang) A hypermasculine man, especially one who is misogynist and/or
homophobic.

Anonymous said...

scat specific bike opportunity

Freddy Murcks said...

One of you people with photoshop skillz needs to get to work on that fredtacular photo of Space-Tastic Futuristic Fred Glasses Guy. That should be a go-to image. Like I'd really like to see what Brett and Space-Tastic Futuristic Fred Glasses Guy could accomplish on a ride together - Bib Shorts Guy could look askance at both of them. The possibilities seem endless.

dnk said...

Nice post today Snob. Loved the reminder/re-reading of The King of Park Slope.

shanks said...

Hello BSNYC

Could you tell me what tires you have on your Surly? I'm looking at getting some wider tires for my Cross Check.

Thank you

Regular guy said...

Eew, make sure to clean the underside of that filth prophylactic.

Anonymous said...

I, for one, wouldn't mind a little distraction on my face.

BikeSnobNYC said...

shanks,

Is that really what that picture brought to mind for you?

--Wildcat Etc.

STF_ill said...

You forgot GPS coordinates on your HUD mockup. But really, where did you take that scenic photo? I've only been to NY twice and it didn't look like that AT ALL!

Anonymous said...

When someone says, "dude-bro", I think of the big Lebowski, not an insecure bigot. I think the term to use pejoratively for such people should be "Alpha dog". Imagine for yourself who would describe themselves as such.

The King of Park Slope said...

The Democratic 3 way debate was much preferable to the previous GOP mass debate.

Anonymous said...

What pressure you running? Them knobbies are worn to hell. What I mean is, good job Sir.

Bike smug PDX said...

Wildcat, by generating 1.21 gigawatts, you time traveled all the way to 2015! Did you Strava your trip?

David Pearce said...

Hi, Bike Snob!

You are pretty incredible! (And I mean that in a good way! :-)

[I like it when I can make an emoticon AND close a parentheses at the same time.]

*************
Do you think the Coca-Cola driver will be charged, for speeding or negligent driving? Or I don't know, I wasn't there, but the Gothamist link reported a bystander said a motorcyclist was also involved in the accident. It looks like the truck was going too fast for conditions, even if he was not responsible for the chain of events that led to the crash.

Now in my fifth decade, I really do try to drive my car sedately and safely, for reasons of practicality, really, to keep the wheels from falling off my fifteen year old Volvo v70 station wagon, due to all the potholes here in D.C., and the dippy manhole covers, and them digging up the streets to put in high speed internet, and the goddam snow damage from two winters ago, which, I'm slightly happy to say, a few of the merges from bridges to parkways have been repaired, but not enough, and with looming government shutdowns, it always plays havoc with the road repairing monies and contracts. And the District's streets themselves, forget about it, I have no hope of those ever being repaired.

****************
I know lives matter, and matter more than roads, I know that. I suppose. But I wish to god this nation would get it through its head to spend sufficient money to repair and improve its infrastructure. Can't conservatives agree on that even? Isn't one of the jobs of government, on their short list, to provide the means, the utilities for we private citizens to be productive, i.e., to provide the roads and train tracks (and they don't even provide the train tracks!) so we can do our work safely and not have to pay an arm-&-leg to rebuild our front ends each year, and even, per chance, to be able to have a little "quiet enjoyment" while getting to our destination, as it is written in lease-boilerplate?

But no. We have to be a country that never spends money on infra, and everyone ought to drive a tank I suppose, and the rest of us can just suck it!

David Pearce said...

And as far as your dog poop encounter goes, it reminds me of Thelma Ritter's line from Rear Window,

"You'd think the rain would have cooled things off, but it just made the heat wet!

JB said...

Ritchey rubber, approx. 700c x 3.8"

Two-bike photo is a bike rack

over and out...

P. Bateman said...

well good thing your bike is exactly dog poo brown. can barely even see the stuff.

i wonder if the bones are the remains of some poor bike shoaler that pulled past someone on a specialyesed venge and then literally was blown away. i mean, that bike might be just that fast.

Anonymous said...

Specialized has a new line of tires waiting in the chamber that specifically shed feces (animal or human), available in 700c and MTB widths.

Internal marketing about to unload some product names directly on consumers, based on types of excrement encountered on the trail (dog, rabbit, deer, cow, bear, hobo, etc.)

BikeSnobNYC said...

JB,

That would be one wide-ass tire!

I think they are 35mm, but I ain't getting close enough to look now.

--Wildcat Etc.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Strava Glass (R).
Trademarked, now gimme my money!

All youze Facebookers, don't let on when I plagiarize "open floor plan kitchen porn" because I'm gonna steal the shiite out of that one at the right moment.

AND special grammar nazi bonus section:
It's the Democrat or Democrats' Debate.
Democratic is adjective, Democrat is a party.

I await the eventual flogging ...

vsk

shanks said...

BSNYC

Actually the first thought was "I'm glad I have fenders for my inevitable turn to ride through that!"

Keep up the great work

P. Bateman said...

oh, and thanks for the fred crash video again. that just seriously makes me chuckle every time i watch...and think i'm up to about 5,000 views so far.

Anonymous said...

I like the fact the bike biz constantly tries to sell cyclists new crap and one of the cycling's favorite writers constantly tells everyone that it's a bunch of worthless crap. BTW, totally agree.

BikeSnobNYC said...

shanks,

Whew!

I think they are Ritchey Excavader tires. I think they are 34 or 35mm. Not really much wider than a typical cyclocross tire. I'm not a huge fan of cyclocross tires outside of actual cyclocross, Paselas seem to work better for mixed-terrain riding. The high shoulder knobs on these also make for wonky cornering.

--Wildcat Etc.

DB said...

6,970 views on that Fred crash video.
Ten of them are mine.

leroy said...

My dog asked me to point out:

1. Bears are known to do stuff in the woods.

2. He didn't do anything. Nobody saw him do anything. No one can prove anything.

3. Those who smelt it, dealt it.

4. Some days you're the dog, other days you're the hydrant or
- the trail,
- a tire,
- shag carpeting,
- the punch bowl at an insufferable garden party,
- a flaming paper bag left on stoop after doorbell ringing,
- the back seat of borrowed Hyundai, or
- a discreet corner of the visiting team's dugout when everyone else is distracted and the bathroom lines are just too long to deal with.

I told him poop jokes are beneath him.

BamaPhred said...

You had me at dog feces. The Star Trek Next Generation glasses wouldn't help most of the cyclists I see, they are all staring at their bike computers. I think their necks are fused in that position.

1904 Cadardi said...

Wildcat,

How did you know I was hungry? Your new Fredtacular Space Glazzes are really impressive if they give you that level of detail about your loyal readers.

David Pearce said...

Snob,

Do you have problems with "the censors" at the Brooks Blog? Are there any? Do you have to pass it by Brooks' Bureau of Standards & Practices?

I like to think of you fighting for the line "about butt crack beverage portaging"? Do you horse-trade, (speaking of horses)? Did you have to pull back some other joke closer to the precipice just to get this one past the Eds.?

Anonymous said...

If you had had dick breaks, then there would have been no straddle wire to collect dollops of shit.

Time for an upgrade.

RANTWICK said...

I liked the view with data. Nice work.

McFly said...

My sunglasses have minor bugs on them. I just wipe them off with my shirt. And some spit.

Roille Figners said...

Getting back to Joe Hazelwood's Proooud to Beee Anamarakieeaahn.

The two words that speak loudest in the whole thing are "at least." Notice how he doesn't say "I'm proud to be an American because we're the best and all the criticisms are patently false." He basically admits everything, retreats to a further rearward position and tries to defend that, with "at least." Unintentional genius.

Roille Figners said...

e.g. Proud to have a 1976 AMC Gremlin, where at least I know I've got a place to sleep when it rains.

Roille Figners said...

To say nothing of the grammar problems. "An American, where at least I know I'm free?" Where is this American (Hazelwood presumably), near whom, at least he himself, knows he is free?

Roille Figners said...

No no, he means, of all the people located at Lee Hazelwood, there will always be at least one (Hazelwood himself) who knows he (Hazelwood) is free. Maybe more.

Roille Figners said...

Everyone should feel free to emigrate if they disagree with me.

Anonymous said...

Roille 336 "1976 AMC Gremlin"

Halloween episode of The Simpsons. It's a play on the Twilight Zone episode with a Gremlin on the wing of the plane. Bart sees gremlin on the side of the school bus. Runs up and tells the bus driver, who looks out and sees an AMC Gremlin driving next to the bus and says "Cool Dude".

dnk said...

Leroy, hope the Mets pull it off so your dog has a dugout to pee in this fall....

JB said...

Snob,

Didn't you know that 700c x 3.8" is the newest cross craze: 700c+ or fat-crossing. Get with it, man. Sorry for the bad joke.

Grump said...

As for the pile of human remains on the bike path.
.
Stuff happens.

Spokey said...

i'd say "who the fuck-o is Joe Hazelwood?" but then bama(?) would tell me once again that i'd just gone around the sun too many times.

@JB @1:43

the light blue looks like a bike rack although why would there be a bike rack in that sylvan paradise? but there is definately a dark blue bike there as well. you can see the top of the bb and the chain rings.

Anonymous said...

There’s also a mode that drops the HUD out of view entirely.

Anonymous said...

You're an Ace, Snob.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rIg3PG-J_hg

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

A scranus scratching, rollicking good read, Snobbie.

Chamois Juice said...

I have a bike where I replaced the seat with a black rubber dildo. I use it for Portland's annual naked bike ride, or really whenever I feel like going for a stimulating naked ride. It's my favorite bike.

P. Bateman said...

guessing you went with black dildo to match your bar tape/hoods - pretty much matching dildo to cockpit. good call.

BamaPhred said...

Spokey, I will see your who the fucko is Joe Hazelwood, and raise you a why should I care?

I could look him up I guess.

Bama"Dementia"Phred said...

The fuck-o captain of the Valdez. I shoulda known that. But I was confused by trying to connect Lee Greenwod, Proud to be an 'murican, Joe Hazelwood. I'm blaming senioritis.

Spokey said...


no way bama

i saw the historical documentary waterworld. the captain's name was deacon as portrayed by dennis hopper.

Steve Barner said...

Looks like you're due for a new tire, anyway.

Unknown said...

You have a brown bike. That is not a good color for a bike or for anything that is not made out of wood.

P. Bateman said...

can someone tell this fuck-o Craig to stop listing neat-o bikes on his damn list? bought yet another f'ing bike today. i have a peloton in my office now.

dawes atlantis. english built neat suntour cyclone bits. the guy had the QR releases on like wingnuts and thankfully caught that before a ride, but thing is kind of sweet. and unlike these other damn things littering my office, it doesnt need any work. has these "gold" drop bars. very fancy indeed.

JLRB said...

my scranus is never really arid whilest cycleriding - but how would the Fred specs know? Are the glasses connected to a scranal humidity sensor? I don't like the sounds of scranal blue tooth probes ...

Nancy Reagan said...

P Bateman - just say no. Take Craig off your bookmarks, or at least limit yourself to the missed connections.

P. Bateman said...

well tell people to stop selling so cheap. the bikes i mean. not the casual encounters. those usually ask for way more money. oh wait...i mean...missed connections. yeah. thats it.

tubasti said...

Hey, give the Fred with the tech-goggles credit, for riding gravel on a road bike, without disc brakes. He'll die soon, anyway.

Piledriver said...

You need new tires Snob, your old ones are crappy.

Doctor Doctor said...

I had to laugh because I'm sure I saw an arm bone in that pile of human remains, guess I thought it was humerus.

Anonymous said...

feces and piss are the main reason why I use fenders an all my bikes.

JLRB said...

Steamy morning trump - where is the secret service TP

JB said...

Spokey, not questioning the presence of "the 2nd bike," just that it is likely to a stranger's.

I took a ~25-year old Trek road bike down from the in-laws garage rafters. It's been hanging there since ~1993. QR skewers on like wing-nuts! Even worse, it had white bar tape and a black seat! It does have Boost 148 however.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'm all over those fred goggles like stink on dogshit once they include X-ray vision in their list of features.

McFly said...

Is it too soon for Lamar Odom jokes?

I heard he passed out on top of the bar and would've rolled off had he not taken 10 Viagra's.

Spokey said...

JB

i'm still not convinced. i hear snobbie has the secret service put up road blocks and police tape when he goes out. if some stranger got through security like that i demand a senate investigation. or at least an irs probe.

JLRB said...

just missed the 10:15 on 10/15/15 posting

(thought bubble loser)

where's fred said...

Calling planet Fredia, come in planet Fredia.

Counting the sprint said...

doesn't anyone sprint around here anymore?

E-F said...

Fred phone home

Frank-N-Fred said...

I hate it when I get home and my human remains are missing from my pannier

Water spreads the damage said...

Since when is dog shit like an oil fire?

Talcum-X said...

There's no scranus like arid scranus

Bill Cosby Drives a Truck said...

Have a Coke and an Ooops

David Pearce said...

For all of you meshuganim out there who have been bugging me about the Petzval field curvature, and just chewing my ass about when I was going to get back to you on it, here it is, so shut your pie-holes now:

"Petzval field curvature, named for Joseph Petzval,[1] describes the optical aberration in which a flat object normal to the optical axis (or a non-flat object past the hyperfocal distance) cannot be brought into focus on a flat image plane.[citation needed]"

**************
Notes


[1] Petzval was the guy.

[citation needed] Get your own goddam citation, I got work to do!

Spokey said...

ok

Spokey said...

i'll do the 100

satisfied????

Rebekah Capel said...

I think I look pretty in love on the back of his bike! In fact, we've knick named it the seXtracycle... Trust me gentleman, it works! Makes me feel like an Urban Queen.

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Anonymous said...

Görmeyeli nasılsınız dostlar, geldi çılgın Escortcunuz Emre KANDE. Bana sorulan binlerce mesaj içerisindeki escort istanbul sorulardan Taksim Escort . Üsküdar-Beşiktaş arası çalışıyor, Kadıköy-Beşiktaş arası çalışmıyor seferler iptal. Metrobüsle Mecidiyeköye geçtim ordan indim barbaros bulvarına, çok yoruldum yinede Avrupa Yakası Escort escort istanbul bayanları araştırıp görüşme sağlıyormuş o zaman bizde abimize yardımcı olalım dedim. Gelelim abimizin sorusuna, Birleşme sırasında alınan zevki artırmak için çiftlerin yapabilecekleri başka şey varmıdır ? Güzel istanbul escort bir konudan bahsetmiş, zevk oranını daha çok artırabilmek Kartal Escort için acaba ne yapmalı. Az bi dk beynimi kendine getireyim, şuan ahmet kaya'dan diyarbakırlıymış adı bahtiyar dinliyorum bağladık psikopata. Tamamdır şimdi geldim. Daha fazla zevk için hmm düşünüyorum o zaman varım. Evet, eşler Beşiktaş Escort cinsel kaslarını denetleyebilirler. Pratik ve eğitim sonucu bu kaslar bilinçli bir tarzda denetlenebilir, böylece kadın, vajinası Bostancı Escort içindeki penisi sıkabilir ve tazyik altında tutabilir. Bu Mecidiyeköy Escort kaslar kasılınca vajinanın ağzı hemen hemen tamamiyle kapanır. Kaslar gevşeyince vajinanın ağzı tekrar açılır. Vajinanın dış kısmını kontrol eden bir başka kas Anadolu Yakası Escort daha vardır ki bu organın asıl fonksiyonu işemenin bittiği an idrar akışını durdurmaktır. Ama buda bir istanbul escort önceki kas gibi vajina ağzı üzerinde bir tazyik icra eder. Basit bir Beylikdüzü Escort idman sonucu her kadın bu kasların denetimini Şişli Escort elde edebilir. Bunun için idrararını tutmaya çalışıyor gibi yapmak gerekir. Günde en az yirmi kere... Böylece idrar yolu kasları üzerinde bir denetim imkanı kazanılmış olur. Cinsel zevkin artması için yararlı olabilecek Kadıköy Escort ikinci grup kaslevator kaslardır. Bu grupta üç çeşit kas vardır. Bunlar biraz yabancı gelebilir sizlere ben yinede yazayım, pubococcygeus, iliococygeus ve puborectalis. Bunlar anüsten ön kısma doğru birine sıkı bir şekilde yaklaşır ve bütün vajina boyunca penisi sıkar. Bu kaslar çok güçlüdür escort istanbul ve doğru kullanıldıkları takdirde cinsel zevkin artmasında büyük rol oynar. Levator grubu kasları geliştirmek için en iyi idman barsakları sıkmak şeklinde

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