Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Stupid Saddle Tricks: Stop, Drop, and Roll

Hello.

I've had something I've wanted to share with you for a long time.  Something huge.  Something revolutionary.  Something that will change the planet forever.

You have no idea how hard it's been for me to keep this to myself.  I've been about to burst, like a bottle of seltzer after a ride on the Paris-Roubaix course.  Finally though, the embargo has been lifted, and I can now inform you that the new Segway is about to "drop:"


Big news tomorrow in the personal transportation world--- Segway is launching the Segway MiniPRO. Now that the new UL standards for PT's are set, all the hoverboards are off shelves and Segway is rebooting the market// bringing the miniPRO to Amazon for an exclusive 60-day window... I have some additional details RE the UL certification and the US Consumer Product Safety Commission letter saying 52 hoverboard fires in 24 states caused over $2 million in property damage between December and February...

Do you hear that?  Hoverboards are ruining America!  Explosions!  Devastation!  Massive property damage!  It's why most urban downtowns currently look like this:


Yes, our crippling dependency on hoverboards is destroying our cities and our environment and robbing our children of their future.  We really need to stop this "war on cars" and get these hoverboards off our streets once and for all.  So thank goodness for Segway, who are saving us from the hoverboard menace with, well, a hoverboard:


It says pretty much everything you need to know about humanity that since the late 19th century we've had the perfect vehicle for traveling intermediate distances, yet here we are in 2016 still coming up with dumb-ass shit like this.  Do we really need to earth-fuck the planet for more lithium and "super-tough, light metals used to build space shuttles and aircraft" so idiots can roll around like friggin' Rosie the Robot from the Jestons?


Ride a goddamn bike already and shut up.

Plus, as far as the NYPD is concerned, these are no more legitimate than hoverboards anyway:


See that?


The NYPD needs YOU to help report these battery-powered menaces to public safety:


Interestingly though I've never, ever seen a sign encouraging people to report reckless motorists.  (And yes, I've tried it once, just for laughs.  Unsurprisingly they treated me like I was reporting a UFO sighting.)

Go figure.

Meanwhile, speaking of humanity's relentless drive to overcomplicate everything, welcome to the age of the $499 wireless dropper seatpost:


If you're unfamiliar with the concept of the dropper post, it's not so named because you have to drop lots of money on them.  Rather, it allows you to remotely raise and lower your saddle while riding.  This is because off-road cycling isn't about meeting the challenges posed by the terrain, it's about pretending they're not there by using expensive and finicky technology:

The Vyron’s up and down function is as smooth as any dropper post I’ve used, even when the seat binder is tightened beyond spec. Some dropper posts bind completely with the seat binder clamp bolt tightened too tightly, and even bind a bit at very low bolt torques on the order of 4-5N-m. The Vyron post I’m riding would reduce this issue simply by virtue of its 31.6mm diameter. (Generally, the internals of any 31.6mm dropper post are the same as that of the same model in 30.9mm, but the outer sleeve of the 30.9mm post is 0.35mm thinner, which can flex enough to allow binding due to clamping, even when it is a non-issue with the 31.6mm model.)

Step 1: Identify one of the most boringly reliable and relatively inexpensive components on a bicycle (in this case the seatpost);
Step 2: Create an overcomplicated, expensive, unreliable version of same (in this case one that moves up and down with a remote control);
Step 3: Introduce an even more expensive one that is still less reliable than the original version, but more reliable than the one in Step 2;
Step 4: Profit!

Sadly, this particular seatpost is not perfect, because there's a "delay in activation" after you push the remote button:

The only issue I have with the seatpost is the delay in activation after pushing the remote button. To minimize the draw on the battery while opening and closing the oil valve that frees the seatpost to move and also locks in its height adjustment, Magura uses a very tiny piezoelectric motor. This allows the use of a small, lightweight battery while still offering over 40 hours of ride time between charges, but it comes at the cost of opening the valve more slowly.

Delay in activation?  Piezoelectric motor???  Charging!?!  This is a seatpost!!!  It's frightening that we live in an age when seatpost activation delay is an actual problem that exists for people, and that smartphones are becoming a basis of comparison for bicycle components:

When there is a significant delay between clicking on a window or an icon on your smartphone or computer and having an application or file open, you might question whether you had actually clicked on it and might click a second time. Similarly, this slow-opening valve has me constantly wondering whether I actually clicked the remote button.

Yeesh.  I worry about a lot of stuff.  Kids, money, whether or not that mole's changing shape...  You know what I don't worry about?  Whether or not I actually clicked on the remote button for my seatpost.  Know why?  Because my seatpost doesn't have a remote button.  In fact, none of my bikes have any buttons, because the entire reason I ride a bike is to leave the stressful world of button-pushing behind, if only for a couple hours.  This fucking thing, on the other hand, has three goddamn buttons, and he doesn't know which ones he pushed sometimes, which is completely insane:

There are three buttons on the remote so that you can wirelessly control up to three Magura eLECT items, such as a fork, rear shock, and dropper post, with the same remote. You initially pair each button with each eLECT component by holding the button on the remote and the one on the component down for eight seconds. The buttons are tiny, and neither makes an audible click or lights up when you push one. With a glove on and the bike bouncing around, it can be hard to tell if I hit the right button, or any button at all. If a dropoff is coming up fast and the seatpost hasn’t dropped yet, I often find myself repeatedly pushing the button just to make sure I won’t go off the drop with my seat all of way up.

So when he does that does it go up and down and up and down and pummel him in the perineum like a jackhammer?

Meanwhile, I don't worry about going off the drop with my seat all the way up because I know it's all the way up, and I set it in that position knowing full well I might go off a drop from time to time.  I know it's all the way up because my seat exists on the same plane at all times, which lends my rides and my existence a sort of welcome, comforting, and predicable simplicity that is all too absent in this life filled with vicissitudes.  I may not know what tomorrow will bring, but I know my saddle is all the way up in the same way I know where my home is, or that there's always a bottle of hard liquor in the toilet tank.  Indeed, in this sense my saddle is a safe haven, a sort of an island of stability upon which my scranus can find both purchase and solace.

Amen.

But apparently this makes me some kind of retrogrouch or something, and now we're back to the goddamn phone again:

Think of a parallel with your phone. Don’t you feel good when you send an email with an iPhone and hear Apple’s signature whooshing sound that lets you know your message is winging its way to your intended recipient? If it made no sound and gave no other visible or vibratory cue that it had gone, you would wonder if it had done so.

I don't know, to me that's the sound of accidentally hitting "reply all" when calling someone on the distribution list a "douchebag."

But yes, this post does not communicate with the user, and that's a problem.  Not an insurmountable one, but still a problem:

Magura did many things right with this post but missed on critical communication between the product and the user. Indeed, the product’s superior design in terms of ease of installation and smooth operation, even in cases of overtightening the seat binder, did engender an affinity in me for it so that I am willing to overlook the delay and the lack of feedback from the remote button. I would have been unlikely to tolerate those things in a dropper post that was also time-intensive to install or that tended to bind up after height adjustments.

Remember, we're still talking about a seatpost here.

A seatpost.

I'd say it's foolish to look for fulfilling communication from a seatpost, but this review is written by someone who has an emotional connection with an Audi, so there you go:

Other riders using the Vyron have made comments to me to the effect that German engineering works great but lacks emotional connection to the user. But that’s not always the case with German products. For instance, when I lock my Audi, it beeps and flashes some exterior lights before it gently folds in the side mirrors and gradually dims and extinguishes the interior lights. I get instant feedback that I pushed the correct button, and I feel good when I see what it does in response. The car has many other ways of responding to my inputs that give me a warm feeling inside and allow me to forgive how much it costs to maintain it.

Thank you VeloNews.  I now have an image of Lennard Zinn's Audi tucking him into the cockpit, the mirrors folding lovingly inward and smooth jazz playing on the sound system as he sits there sensually and rhythmically extending and contracting his Magura wireless Vyron dropper post.

Lastly, British retailer Halfords is betting big on the Olympics, which sounds like a really, really, really bad idea:

Halfords’ fortunes have become linked to the British cycling craze that followed medals for Wiggins and other riders at the 2012 London Olympics. Though motoring makes up about 70% of Halfords’ business, cycling has accounted for much of the group’s growth in recent years.

A string of further cycling victories, including Tour de France wins for Wiggins and Chris Froome, and the tour coming to the UK in 2014 maintained momentum. But sales suffered last summer as bad weather deterred casual cyclists from taking to the road or upgrading their kit and competition between retailers drove margins down.

Especially since the same paper reported this the day before:


Rio de Janeiro’s city government has cancelled its contract with the company constructing the Olympic velodrome about two months before the start of the Games in Brazil, after the firm filed for bankruptcy protection.

The city said the change would not impact the value or delivery of the project, which is set to be handed over to Olympic organisers in June.

Apparently the delay is because nobody knows how to lay Siberian wood:

In March, Olympic organisers said the delays had partly been due to logistical issues in laying the track, which is made of Siberian wood.

I dunno, if I was having trouble laying Siberian wood I'd call this guy:


And then I'd call this guy:


Between the two of them they'd have it figured out in no time.

89 comments:

Hoghopper said...

Ding!

Synonymous said...

Dong!

Ted K. said...

Note 23. (Paragraph 137) Self-interest is not necessarily MATERIAL self-interest. It can consist in fulfillment of some psychological need, for example, by promoting one’s own ideology or religion.

cdinvb said...

Ride me like one of your French bikes!

Author deleted by comment. said...

?

Paul Bowen said...

Top 10 baby!

jt said...

It's a god-damned seat post! A wireless remote for a seat post? Unbelievable. Thanks, as always, for your review of his review, and for your writing.

jt

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...someone is missing from the hunky meat trio of Ciputin.

Hee Haw the Barista's mom said...

COMI WOOD

Serial Retrogrouch said...

..WTF are 'vacuum' tires? Do they also scoop up garbage from the streets as you scuttle along like a moving exclamation point?

N/A said...

Specialized is currently developing a new crabon fibre seat tube that will accept all remote-controlled battery-powered scranus jackhammers and allow them to easily apply all up-and-down motions. Bros that get gnar can now remotely-control the perineum-pounding excitement to the fullest extent!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

12th? Scranus!

N/A said...

I am starting a Krapstarter thingy to fund my Smart Handlebar. It's crabon, natch, and blueteeth-compliant. It makes any bike 78% more handlebar-compliant. It can be set to automatically send notifications to your phone, reporting on all of the pertinent handlebar statistics.
Round two funding will enable me to further develop the software, so that I can tie it in to Strava. There will be fierce competitions for the King of the Handlebar segments.

The biggest hurdle is making the thing gravel-ready.

Spokey said...


baker's dozen

Spokey said...


damn out bakered by n/a. oh wait, ted posted so i still get baker's dozen

Frickus Rungus said...

Can you program the seatpost so it has the following audible feedback?

Going down! Second floor: knickers and knees.
Going down! First floor: top tube, bottom bracket, cranks and pedals.
Going up! Third floor: scranular accessories and appendages.

rudimentary peni said...

Confession time: As an avowed Luddite I hated on dropper posts until I rode one in New Mexico. Now I'm all in favor of them when riding in all-mountain trails out west. The trails were steep and rocky and I thoroughly appreciated being able to lower my saddle to avoid pitching over the bars while descending. Avid's Reverb posts seem to need bleeding practically once a week but a mechanical KindShock is seriously low-maintenance.

dem_bieks! said...

For instance, when I lock my Audi

Hmm. Yes, locking a 2 ton car should be exactly like a seat post jacker-thing on a 30lb biek. Exactly. What kind of drugs do they pass out at Velno News?

I wonder why Velno News never posted this story of the head of USA Cycling's anti-doping committee recommending doping. If you made it up no one would believe you.

http://road.cc/content/news/191633-legalise-epo-says-british-anti-doping-advisor-usa-cycling

dem_bieks! said...

rudimentary peni,

A fool and his money are soon parted.

Carry around a little holy water next time to keep the crashing ghosts away. It will work just as well.

Joe said...

That building being torn down, that's the hotel Devon & I spent our honeymoon at. We weren't actually married yet, just practicing in case the big event happened someday. There we were, lying in bed together, when the building started being torn down around us.

dancesonpedals said...

Cipo's orange helmet makes him look like a penis. (his abs are ribbed for her pleasure). Putin doesn't wear a helmet, because it's bad enough that his name sounds like a putz, he doesn't want to look like one.

crosspalms said...

In the name of technological progress and weight-shaving, I've eliminated my bell with a new smartphone app. I simply say "Siri, ring bell" and the phone emits a bell sound. "Siri, say 'on your left'" gets a firm but pleasant "on your left." I'm working on several types of honk, "three feet please," "get out of the fucking bike lane" and various other useful phrases.

Brian Fahey said...

I just read that throwing away money on stupid gadgets is going to be in the Summer Olympics. Leonard Zinn is an early favorite for Gold.

BikeSnobNYC said...

rudimentary peni,

I don't doubt that dropper posts can be useful, and they wouldn't be getting so popular if they weren't, but that review is still hilarious.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

pqbuffington said...

"In (strikethrough)Rod(/strikethrough) Post We Trust"

Regular guy said...

Snob, for a guy who regularly strives to eliminate the stresses of button pushing, you sure got a lot of buttons to push.

But on the topic of remote seatpost adjustment, I agree. Besides, if you have to, what the hell is wrong with this?

Bryan said...

Speaking of Halfords, yesterday I read some article that a guy brought his bike in for a spoke replacement, they called him back saying it would be more than quoted and he said he needed to think about it, and they threw his bike in the trash. As a recompense, they have him some lights, a cable lock and offered a discount on a new bike. So, fuck Halfords

Bryan said...

Halfords can suck a dick

Roger Fencegate said...

Woah, what a great idea! Hide your liquor in the toilet tank!

bad boy of the north said...

Didn't the beatles record a song called Siberian Wood?

janinedm said...

Okay. Here's a pitch that equally plausible and gross. A smart bike that uses weather forecasts and special tires with sensors (~$70 a piece, and for some reason can't use liners) to automatically adjust PSI based on road conditions. Version two will automatically shift gears using AI.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Is the remote control dropper post compatible with the brain saddle from yesterday's blog?

I think that remote control dropper post could spawn another new Olympic sport, Bike Pegging.

The Beatles recorded Norwegian Wood, The Rolling Stones recorded Siberian Wood. It is much like Let it Be and Let it Bleed.

And remember - John 3:16, Paul 4:17, George 5:18 and Ringo 6:19.

balls™ said...

Instead of worrying about the height of my saddle throwing me over the bars on a steep decent, I do this thing where I level the pedals and scoot my ass back over the rear wheel. I learned to do that on a BMX bike when I was 8 years old and it still works.

I'm going to stay an old curmudgeon and insist that dropper posts are a substitute for bike handling skills. Or in the case of electric/remote ones, something else for dentists to spend money on.

Get off my fucking lawn.

Rosie T. Robot said...

Oh, George. Oh.

Regular guy said...

Bryan, did you mean Rob Halford?

Eric the Cat said...

Curiously, Halford's has another customer refusing to pay 500 quid for the full restoration of a bike bought at a garage sale, whose new owner said to forget it, just throw it away in a telephone conversation that same day.

1904 Cadardi said...

balls, are you suggesting that bike handling skills as a substitute for technology and equipment? It'll never catch on.

grog said...

balls, yes.
A very wise mountainbiker once advised me: If your saddle doesn't violate you, front and back, on these trails, then you're doing it wrong.

Anonymous said...

Great post. Thanks BikeSnob

Not a robot

CommieCanuck said...

Geez, put that much technology into a dropper post and it better dropper panties. just sayin'.

Cipo's orange helmet makes him look like a penis.
Pretty sure that's exactly what Mario was going for.

FREE EDDY

CommieCanuck said...

Ya know what the Segwey hoverboard needs? solar power panels. fuck ja.

CommieCanuck said...

A very wise mountainbiker once advised me: If your saddle doesn't violate you, front and back, on these trails, then you're doing it wrong.

Was this "wise mountainbiker" a Catholic Priest?

CommieCanuck said...

Sorry, FREE EDDY.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Prince Hose'em al Khalafi will give Eddy asylum in Bahrain, not to worry!

Anonymous said...

" ...there's always a bottle of hard liquor in the toilet tank. "

Thanks for lettin' the cat out of the bag, Snobby.

good thing my wife doesn't read this blog

Anonymous said...

Particularly fantastic post. I snorted 3 times.

Dooth said...

Nothing comforts like a vibratory cue? Who knew?

Spokey said...


i remember changing my seatpost height once. some years ago. been in duke is park several times without dying. but now i'm hesitating on taking a spin on the D&R canal path as planned. will i die?

i also don't send mail via my cell phone except on very rare occasions. why would anyone look for more ways to communicate with all the fuck-o(e)s around you?

and i really thank subaru for the locking process. click 1 locks the car. no noise no nuttin. click 2 kills the lights if on. usually do that as i'm paranoid about draining the battery. click 3 does the beep thing. i'd have to take an axe to the thing if i had an audi.

Anonymous said...

Every Cipollini pic is still a genuine lol.

Captain Oblivious said...


What is all this CIPO stuff? Isn't CIPO the stuff you take during an anthrax attack?

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

There's too much fucking construction going on.


Just sayin ...

I thought I read anti-dropping committee...

vsk

P. Bateman said...

look, i'm not saying violence is the answer, but punching anyone in the nose that rides into a coffee shop etc... on one of those f'ing segways seems like the best thing for everyone involved.

they learn from their mistake, and you have the satisfaction of teaching someone a valuable life lesson.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious post today. Is it just me or do your posts always seem funnier on Wednesdays?

leroy said...

Sorry I'm late.

My dog and I got into an argument about who lost the remote for the TV again and who had piezoelectric motor operated stick up their butt.

Did I miss anything?

Freddy Murcks said...

Perhaps Magura need to make a heads-up display on fred glasses that updates the rider at all times with information about the state of the seat, the shock, and the fork. Maybe they could even dispense entirely with the buttons and make it so you could actuate changes to the seat, fork, and shock with eye movements (repeated perineum pounding is an optional setting that can, of course, be implemented with the optional integrated seat dildo). That'd be awesome!

/In the interest of full disclosure, I must confess that I love my dropper post. It is fully mechanical, however. No hydraulics and sure as hell no wireless, electronic actuation./

dancesonpedals said...

What is all this bullshit about electric pizza?

Spokey said...

dop

so this is the first you've heard of pizza doping? i'm shocked, truly shcoked ! ! !

daveinsac said...

Don't be a dropper hater...

Anonymous said...

????

Postman said...

We can't ship those hover boards in the mail because they are designated 'dangerous goods' because of the batteries.

Bottle Ready said...


Oh where, oh where
Has Leroy's dog gone?
Oh where, oh where can he be?
With his ears cut short
And his tail cut long
Oh where, oh where can he be?

Postman said...

Actually, we are not supposed to ship them but we still do because nobody really has a clue what is going on in our processing plant.

Unknown said...

Excellent post, Snobby. Thanks for keeping it real. Yer funy!

Regular guy said...

Proof that you need a REAL gravel bike. Skip to 1:40 if you have ADD.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oy, Oy, Oy said...

It looks like Western Australia is trying to beat NSW as the most cycling unfriendly state in the most cycling unfriendly country in the world - YAY, Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oy, Oy, Oy.

Spokey said...


mr bottle

i hope you celebrate scotch's 521 birthday today. i sure did. several times.

JLRB said...

Placing a bottle of liquor in the toilet tank is a great way to conserve water and get piss drunk

N/A said...

Placing a bottle of liquor in the toilet tank is a great way to get shitfaced!

bad boy of the north said...

are you going to drop a post early or late?

dancesonpedals said...

Aussie oy oy at 11 pm-

The cyclist is a jerk. I agree that the douchebag in the suv is wrong to cross the double line, but the cyclist committed an act of road rage himself when he moved his bike close to the line and obstructed the lane.

Others on the road may be breaking the law, but when you intervene with your vehicle (car, bike or motorcycle) to obstruct another vehicle, that's road rage. The cyclist is not a cop, and has no business enforcing traffic rules.

Vigilantes are generally people looking for a fight. Judging by the text at the beginning of the video, that jerk was looking for a fight and he got one.

CommieCanuck said...

Hilarious post today. Is it just me or do your posts always seem funnier on Wednesdays?

[cough]weedwednesday[cough]

BikeSnobNYC said...

dancesonpedals,

Getdafuckouttahere.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

leroy said...

Well I'll be danged.

Comparing pointy weapons really is a traditional Aussie greeting.

Looks like I lost a bet.

dancesonpedals said...

That's the sort of emphatic, well-reasoned reply I've come to associate with this blog.

I take this too personally. On twisty Westchester Roads, there are long stretches of double yellow lines. When driving, I often have the choice of following some rider going 15-18 mph for a mile, or passing on a double yellow. Assholes in Sleepy Hollow Cycling Center Jerseys love to move over and force me completely over the double yellow. They've also done this when my daughters are driving.

Anyway, the cyclist in the video is lucky he's in Australia, where they only have knives. In America, a driver could be packing heat.

babble on said...

Heh. Yep, that was wicked, snobberdoodums. Cheers, doll. I needed a laugh.

Huh. Wow, in some ways, it's like day and night, Vancouver v NYC. (Once you get past all of the daft motorists hating on cyclists and crying over the addition of new bike lanes in their hood, that is.) So a few months ago, city hall passed a new bylaw allowing skateboards on bike lanes... it's a bit annoying when they take up a lot of space, but if I were boarding I would hate to have to dodge pedestrians and their dogs on the sidewalks. And as the mum of a teen who longboards everywhere he goes, I am happy that he has access to protected lanes.

BamaPhred said...

At first I was like why all the outrage? The. I saw where the car guy couldn't get past the bike cause he ran outta lane. I would have taken a different approach to the whole situation, either on the bike or in the car, and there would have been no situation except for maybe an exchange of pleasantries, like maybe fuck you, get offa da road, Imarunuinnadeetch, etc. But to stop a car, get out, and pull a knife? Yep, I'm hitting 911 as I run away.

babble on said...

Yeah, the thing about that mad Aussie cyclist is that Darwinism will take care of him in the end.

JLRB said...

who wears jail striped bike kit? Oh yea - penal colony ...

Anonymous said...

Today's Snob Dropping must be Yuuuuuuuge!

BikeSnobNYC said...

dancesonpedals,

On twisty Westchester Roads, there are long stretches of double yellow lines. When driving, I often have the choice of following some rider going 15-18 mph for a mile, or passing on a double yellow.

My math may be off, but:

At 15mph it takes four minutes to go one mile.

at 30mph it takes two minutes to go one mile.

Is losing two minutes really a big deal if you can't pass safely?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

dop said...

The safety of the pass is the first concern. On a 100-200 yard straight stretch, I can safely pass said guy with a 4 foot margin without breaking the speed limit. If the guy deliberately moves left to block me, that's road rage on his part.

The asshole in the Porsche could have easily passed our group without any drama. (we were climbing at < 10 mph) If he hadn't gunned it and leaned on the horn, we wouldn't have noticed anything amiss.

Asshole Porsche Driver said...

Give me convenience, or give road hogging cyclists death.

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