Wednesday, June 29, 2016

A Comprehensive Treatise on What the Brexit Means for the Future of Disc Brakes on Road Bikes

Further to yesterday's post, when it comes to an overarching obsession with helmets nobody beats Australia, where images of bareheaded cycling are tantamount to pornography:

At first glance, the Emirates advertisement on a suburban bus stop in Australia is both charming and unexceptional.

A woman is riding a bicycle over a brick-paved bridge in what must surely be the Netherlands, with the slogan: "Don't just visit, live it. Navigate new paths in Europe."

Unexceptional, sure, save for the fact the Dutch cyclist is wearing a helmet--which it turns out was added so as not to offend delicate Antipodean sensibilities:

Closer inspection indicated the helmet had been added to the original image with an editing tool, such as Photoshop. 


Not only that, but they appear to have also subtracted the red bag on the handlebars, presumably because it could cause this reckless daredevil to lose control of her bike and wind up at the bottom of a fetid canal.

Yes, apparently Australians are as touchy about depictions of helmetless cycling as Americans are about corrupting young minds by teaching evolution in schools:

Advertising Standards Bureau CEO Fiona Jolly told me that the self-regulation body receives complaints from the public, and if the item falls under the bureau's codes and initiatives, the board will consider the material and require the ad to be removed if the complaint is upheld.

Last year, the board tackled a 30-second video ad for Fernwood Fitness that featured a three-second clip of two women riding on a bike without helmets. People wrote to the bureau to say that state law in Australia requires helmets.

Wow, what is this relentless sense of dissatisfaction that plagues Australians?  You've got to have a massive New Zealand-sized hole in your heart to narc out a couple of women for riding bikes helmetless on TV for three (3) seconds.

And who could forget that black day back in 2008 when Australians were subjected to this horrific image?

In 2008, the Advertising Standards Board tackled the airline over an ad featuring a laughing woman getting a lift on the rear rack of a bicycle along a cobbled street, with a baguette in her hand, and the slogan: "The world is your playground."​​​




People who complained about the ad noted that while "the presence of the baguette" suggested it was shot in France, "to a younger audience this may not be obvious".

They said it sent a message that "reckless behaviour with a total disregard for safety" as ordained by Australian laws, is "something which the viewers of the advert should aspire to".

Reckless indeed.  In order for this image to meet Australian decency standards it would need to be edited thusly:

--The woman should be wearing a helmet;
--The helmet should be fitted with an avian defense system because that pigeon is clearly about to attack;
--The woman should be riding in an adult bicycle passenger seat that meets ACCC standards;
--She should be handling the baguette only while wearing work gloves and protective eyewear.

Incidentally, "The Presence of the Baguette" is how Mario Cipollini announces he is ready for coitus:


("Good news for you!  The baguette is present!")

Anyway, it's telling that the Australian idea of a dream vacation is to travel someplace where you can ride a bike without wearing a plastic hat:

If the evidence for the laws was so compelling, surely every nation would have them?

Instead, international cycling advocates see Australia as an example of what not to do. They argue that the law's main effect is to act as a barrier to cycling, with a resulting negative effect on population health. 

One of my joys is to visit countries where bike riders aren't faced with fines of up to $319 for choosing not to wear a helmet.

Though I'm sure his fellow Australians are disgusted and consider that the equivalent of sex tourism.

Therefore, in order not to run afoul of the censors, I pledge from this day forward that no Australian shall be depicted on this blog without a helmet:


I feel safer already.

Meanwhile, say farewell to the bicycle as you know it, because I've seen the future of cycling and it's this stupid thing:



It's called the "Cyclotron," which feels like copyright infringement:


But don't judge until you've read through all the features and seen just how stupid it is:

The Cyclotron - The Future of Cycling

- STOP! - Please take your time and read through all the features of this groundbreaking vehicle. The Cyclotron IS NOT just an ordinary bicycle!


For example, consider that it represents the next phase of bicycle evolution:

Wait a minute.  Are they saying the most noteworthy innovation between the advent of the safety bicycle and now is...the touring bike?

Nothing against touring bikes or anything, but come on.  That's like saying the most noteworthy movie since the first talkie and today is "City Slickers:"


I mean sure, it was a serviceable fish out of water comedy and all, and obviously it was successful enough to spawn the sequel "City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold," but it's not like sending some Jews out west was exactly breaking new cinematic ground.  (Case in point: pretty much the entire filmic works of Gene Wilder.)

And naturally the Cyclotron features all sorts of "smart" technology, like the obligatory app that tells everybody you're about to die:

As well as sending a press release and pre-written obituary to all local media outlets containing vital information such as whether or not you were wearing a helmet, as well as an artist's rendering of the incident:

But to truly understand the Cyclotron you've got to consider it in the context of the entire universe, of which it is naturally the center:

Never underestimate the importance of decals.

It's also got an uncluttered cockpit, free of any comfortable place to put your hands and designed to impart to you as little control over this idiotic machine as possible:

As well as two (2) wheels.  Oh, sorry, they're not wheels.  They're "Utility Slot Modules:"


"Utility Slot Module" is easily the most suggestive phrase I've heard since "the presence of the baguette," and indeed you'll experience a whole new world of convenience on your next shopping trip when you slip your baguette into your utility slot module:


I'm not sure why putting baskets inside your wheels where your groceries can get all splattered with digusting road scuzz is in any way preferable to carrying them on a rack or in panniers, but I suppose this bike is designed for a dystopian future in which the Earth has gone bone dry.

It even has an adult bicycle passenger seat that meets ACCC standards:

Seems pretty clear to me we've got a winner on our hands here.

Lastly, every so often "Bicycling" takes a break from insisting you need stuff like dropper posts and "keeps it real" by telling you that you should ride a fixie or a singlespeed:


I love when they do this, because it's always so delightfully stilted:

If you think of singlespeeds as merely the mountain bike of choice for disheveled mechanics, it’s time to think again. No matter who you are, singlespeeds are, first and foremost, fun. They strip away equipment excess and offer a simpler, more challenging experience.

Do people really think of singlespeeds that way?  I mean, I never saw Cooter riding a singlespeed:


Though I think some bike company just found its next irreverent model name.

91 comments:

bad boy of the north said...

early posting?no comments?here's to the first one.great read.

Ted K. said...

146. Drugs that affect the mind are only one example of the new methods of controlling human behavior that modern society is developing. Let us look at some of the other methods.

bad boy of the north said...

haha...beat ya,ted

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

4th Again, Scranus!

Mr. Lund said...

Top five - discs must be warped.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

I'm asking for a friend - he says he has a cooter on his baguette, he thinks he got it from a questionable utility slot. Should he seek medical attention or just wait?

Anonymous said...

Why do people in my city feel entitled to treat cyclists as annoying nuisanaces from the protection of their steel cages? I want to throw my bike at their fucking cars.

Anonymous said...

Long post for this early on the morning. Didn't even get to read who got killed by their mower or tricycle in the obituaries yet.

Eric the Infrequent said...

When I see a carbon fiber bike with TT geometry, my first thought is shopping baskets.

N/A said...

Top tinnitus from the beach.

Fred Mercury said...

Why does nobody complain when car advertisements show people hauling ass through neighborhoods and city streets and generally driving like pricks. There's and Audi (aka douche chariot) commercial where some asshole is peeling out in a quiet residential neighborhood. Instead of getting pissed, the cute woman on the bike wants to have sex with him. The female on the step through comfort bike was wearing a helmet, though.

Anonymous said...

You mean Cooter the (former) conflicted Congressman? That guy is renaissance. Who says he didn't ride a ss mtb? We even have a good idea what graphics the bike sports.

Anonymous said...

http://dukescollector.blogspot.com/2015_09_01_archive.html

Bryan said...

I like the general pessimistic tone of the blog...you can tell Snob has readjusted to life in NYC as opposed to his globe trotting adventures of recent past.

leroy said...

In furtherance of my research, I fell again at 2 mph this morning in mid-town when I spaced out and failed to unclip at a stop light.

Preliminary reports confirm a teeny-tiny ouchy boo-boo on my knee, a small scratch on my newish saddle, and some scuffed bar tape.

Fortunately, my ego was irreparably damaged and jettisoned years ago.

My helmet remains unscathed.

It is, however, becoming clearer that there isn't much worth protecting between my ears.

Anonymous said...

Wut's a "cabel?"

Frickus Rungus said...

Lt. Obliv at 9:06 for comment of the day!
Your friend should have used a "polygon basket" for safety...

NHcycler said...

Gee, I dunno about those Cyclotron basket slot thingies...I put my beer in one of those on the ride home from the supermarket and I'll have to wait three days before I dare open one of 'em up.

And if I don't spend a buncha' time on weight distribution I might just get thrown over the bars(?) if I ride too fast.

Schisthead said...

I think Bicycling is finally doing us a favor.

Ever seen an average MTB fred go down a blue with a fixed gear MTB?
Extra points if the gearing is silly low...

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

Cipo can put his baguette in my cooter any time.

JLRB said...

Is it true that lawnmower blades spin counterclockwise in Australia?

Freddy Murcks said...

I don't ride a singlespeed MTB because I like being able to change gears depending on the terrain. Funny that.

Dick Breaks said...

I heard tell that fake Ted K. is into coprophagia. People's weird sex things are usually none of my business, but a friend suggested that the BSNYC commentariat might find it interesting.

DB said...

Leroy:
Sorry about the spills. Ben's Cyclery is no doubt sending emergency replacements so that your bike remains pristine.

Anonymous said...

Due to all the discount fares available to destinations like Bangkok and Manilla, Aussies account for a major share of the sex tourism market.

Coincidence, geographic fluke, maybe a lot of them are arseholes? Who can say?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Hey Dick Breaks - I learn more new words here than anywhere else. I will now ask "What's with the coprohagia grin?" instead of "What's with the shit eating grin?" when I want to insult someone without them realizing it.

Hey Anonymous re Dukescollectorblog

"The drive train is highlighted with the aftermarket DK Social crank, one of the strongest cranks on the market. Sealed hubs with clean female style bolts, and a 25/9 gear ratio. The seat is a Wise "Denim" TriPod style with a Wise Tri Pod post, clean and simple. Frame weight is right around 4.5lbs and the complete bike weighs in at 24lbs.

What the hell are female style bolts? Sounds like nuts to me.

Bromptonaut said...

'The woman should be riding in an adult bicycle passenger seat that meets ACCC standards'

Before the woman steps anywhere near it, she should be asking where is the five-point safety harness on that old plastic church hall seat? If you're going to provide an easy target for douche-chariot drivers, they won't want you to be able to step out of it in a hurry so they miss you.

LX said...

Specialized S-Cooter?

BamaPhred said...

Snob is dashing my preconceived notion of Australia to pieces.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...Leroy, sorry about your ouchy-boo-boo.

...I took a nasty hit--though not spill--when my front wheel hit a road construction plate a couple of days ago. I actually cleared the first plate, which was not installed correctly, and at an angle to the road, then immediately wiped out on the second one, also installed at an angle to the road, and perpendicular to the first. That sent my front wheel towards a parked car, whereby the parked car tacoed my front wheel. Somehow I ended up off the bike, but on my feet.

...called 311 for them to fix the damn thing. They told me it takes at min 10 days. But that I can also file for a claim to fix wheel.

...I wonder if you can call 311 and get a claim number for you being unable to unclip and getting an ouchy-boo-boo.

Anonymous said...

It is OK to be happy

leroy said...

Anon @10:54 AM -- it's how a super secret confederacy of conspirators wants you to spell cabal.

DB @11:49 -- scars are just tattoos you've earned. Ditto scratches. They're what my dog refers to as "proof of life."

leroy said...

Dear SR @12:28 --

Hope you're okay.

As for 311, sure they tell you it's for government information, but when you try to find out if the NYC Animal Control and Welfare karaoke fundraiser to which your dog sold you a table is black tie optional, they act like they don't know what you're talking about.

streepo said...

I personally can't wait to ride a cooter

Michael Jackson said...

My God! Think of the children!

janinedm said...

Phew, I'm lucky that I mostly only fall down around you guys. It must have been the heady perfume of testosterone. Should I ever ride with Cipo, I'll have to bring a bluetooth speaker that just plays Yakkety Sax on repeat.

This is off topic, but I wanted to share that the Warriors scavenger hunt/alley cat/terrible idea is coming up on Saturday http://www.bikeblognyc.com/2016/05/warriors-fun-ride-722016-can-you-dig-it/ It's an all night event 6pm to 6am based on the movie the Warriors that more or less replicates the Bronx to Coney Island route, only on bikes, and with checkpoints and challenges along the way.

dancesonpedals said...

We couldn't afford cabal. Had to watch radio.

dancesonpedals said...

Janine-

That wasn't the heady perfume of testosterone that did that...I cut you off.

Grump said...

I wonder if the next "Road Warrior" movie will be titled...
"Mad Max, beyond Helment" There could be hundreds of "evil doers" chasing Max wearing non-Aussie approved helments. (of course they all die).
PS. Do Pedestrians have to wear helments in Aussie-land????


!hrc said...

wow, you'd think our US democrat party has taken over the aussie government. the government knows what is best for you, so shut up and comply (or else).

Dave said...

If you can't stand the byzantine rules of spelling, get out of the cabel.

Anonymous said...

that cylotron ninja sure wasn't very ninja-like, wobbly bike and such.

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

cooter

Tony The Tiger said...

I read that NYC is going to get a 'cereal cafe' where you can procure seven dollar a bowl frootloops with artisanal additions of things such as pistachios and lemon zest.

Life is good.

they never asked my permission said...

I'm with anon. They really nailed that ninja like geometry...drunken ninja. must be a lot of pot holes where they are

82medici said...

Why is the Cyclotron(R) 50% larger than its predecessors. Is that part of the evolution?

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

I wonder how many Cyclotron freds will hook the infant sidecar on a telephone pole or street sign?

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Leroy, I see you've been taking Ms. Babble's cycling class. Take inventory of your health insurance clauses. We don't have that free health stuff here.

vsk

I'll have to watch out for ladders and black cats now...

janinedm said...

@dop, potato poh-tah-to

Dark Knight Of The New Empire said...

Those Cyclotron handlebars look like they were hewed out of a block of wood using stoneage tools, it's a long reach from the brake levers to the plus, minus paddle-shifters too.

1904 Cadardi said...

How soon till the "Ben Jones" is released and will it have a suspension correct front geometry or only be offered with a rigid fork?

Comment deleted said...

Has nobody else noticed the dead-ringer-resemblence between Cooter and our very own Snobby? Snob, fess up, he's Uncle Cooter, right?

Cooter Davenport said...

HORS DONG

BOb said...

I knew someone would eventually find a use for the cyclotron that would change the world. If only E.O. Lawrence and the rest of the Manhattan Project team were still around to see it...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyclotron

bad boy of the north said...

tony the tiger@152p.somewhere in London,england....they have/had one.lots of cereals I've never heard of in stock.hmmm...."cereal" retrogrouch,no offense.

bad boy of the north said...

hey Leroy and serial retrogrouch,hope the ouchy boo boos weren't too too bad.

wle said...

why is it sooo loooong.?

no, not cipo's baguette

the cyclotron...

wle

bad boy of the north said...

still there.......it's called "cereal killer".must be near where jack the ripper dwelled.

Anonymous said...

This past weekend i tripped over my dog and fell, injuring myself. Since i was not wearing a proper SPCA approved dog-walking helmet, i sustained a fractured bone in my foot. To further shock and dismay the reader, i must admit that im currently not using a ANSI approved crutching-helmet. I will continue to cheat death in this mannor until all of the bones in my feet have broken, or until the event of my certain and untimely helmet-less demise. (P.S. anyone know a shop willing to attach an SPD cleat to a plaster cast?)

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

My dog is a cereal killer sometimes. I'll get a bowl of shredded wheat with some fresh cut strawberries, pour on the milk and sit down to eat. Then the dog starts whining for me to take him out so he can do what he didn't do when we went out right before I got the cereal ready. When I get back to the table, the bowl of cereal is dead, like wet cement!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

PS there's that saying "There's nothing worse than a reformed drunk." For countries, I think it can be applied to Australia, as in "There's nothing worse than a reformed penal colony."

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Anony 4 09

Seems like you need a plastic hat for your feets

bad boy of the north said...

father and daughter cyclists hit in Hicksville long island.....daughter,in her 40s died at the scene..

Spokey said...

great post todaze

good to be back from portlandia to the hemorrhoids. response from guy in truck with trailer of lawnmowers parked in bike lane when chastised today. "so where am I supposed to park?"

Dine Out said...

Do they have toast cafes yet? What about dry cracker and and a glass of tepid water cafes? Oh, the possibilities are endless.

Justine Valinotti said...

English men have left a lot of Continental women unhappy: They pulled out twice in the same week!

dop said...

Well, as long as I'm not hijacking a thread, here's my cross-dressing granny at Brighton Beach in 1915

Hilma posed in a mens bathing suit, then ran back and changed.

Anonymous said...

Hey Spokey, that situation with the truck would make a good tv episode idea for 'Lawn Order'.

What we have here is a failure to communicate said...

Justine V.: What Cads!

Very Slim Pickins said...

Across the pond they keep a stiff upper lip, not a stiff upper disc. The WW2 lament of the British Soldiers, who said, "There are three things wrong with Americans - they are overpaid, oversexed, and over here". To which the Americans responded, "Well, the British are Underpaid, Undersexed, and Under Eisenhower."
.

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

My boss don't even hire no cooter.

Very Slim Pickins said...

Leroy, Bad News! I suggest you enroll in the Babble School of Crash n Roll n Score (airfare not included; lodging and meals maybe, after a face-to-face interview.).

bad boy of the north said...

nice photo,dop.wow,1915!that's,like,one hundred and one years ago.

Nemo said...

Is she wearing a DOT approved bathing cap?

Anonymous said...

Young Einstein?!

Wild Thing, you make my heart sing.

Anonymous said...

Cyclotron will be exposed as the biggest piece of crap ever brought to market. It likely rides on 4 inch razor scooter wheels poking out of the bottom of the "hub-less wheels". What else could "airless tires" be? It makes nervous that the video is filmed in darkness not showing any detail. It's got to be a hoax or a swindle, it smacks of smoke and mirrors.

Strewth Mate said...

Your derision of Australia's excellent bicycle safety measures is disconcerting and maybe even damaging. I have had my life saved by a bicycle helmet, everyone I know has had their lives saved at least once by a bicycle helmet. Riding a bicycle without a helmet on is a death wish and irresponsible. I applaud the Australian authorities and in particular Duncan Gay who have criminalised riding a bicycle without a helmet which protects those too stupid to protect themselves.

Persia said...

Well, Seppos, we may be obliged to wear plastic hats when cycling in Oz, but there are a few compensations, like no gun massacres, universal health insurance and 4 weeks annual leave, so don't feel too sorry for us, eh?

ken e. said...

is that ironic? invariably i'm all like, pondering what's a good knuckle tattoo? thanks baby jesus!

PEAK IDYT

(extensive field testing, and thumbs up)

PRTCT YRHED
SFFRA JTCTY

Nanny State said...

Hey Persia, One thing you forgot to add is the butt hurt. Australian's are very sensitive and are easily butt hurt when criticised, they then resort to deflection to try and make their butt hurt better.

BTW, in NSW carrying shopping bags on the handlebars is against the law and can result in a $425 fine.

BrummyB said...

Persia - Props for the Seppo reference. Septic tank still rhymes with Yank. Reminds me, I have to go take a Trump.

an australian not wearing a helment while typing at a computer said...

"Wow, what is this relentless sense of dissatisfaction that plagues Australians? " .. I guess something like this ...

car driven legally on closed no-speed-limit road ... "However, the Advertising Standards Bureau found the ad breached the motor vehicle industry's advertising code of practice because it portrayed someone driving in excess of speed limits in most of Australia where it was broadcast."

note driver was wearing a helmet

http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/super-highspeed-bentley-in-northern-territory-drives-foul-of-advertising-standards-20160629-gpujjj.html

Nelly Thomas said...

You want every moment of your big day captured in pictures you and your future spouse can treasure for a life time, so don't take chances on a cheap photographer or one that has not shown proof of his or her expertise!Limousine New York

JLRB said...

"Be careful with my baaaby"

Response number 4:
"Hilda? Is that you? Look, I am sorry about that night - I had way too much box wine at the reception and we got carried away, but for the last time it's not your baby - no scram before my wife catches on"

wle said...

cyclotron - i wrote to them - they said it had be long to accommodate the gear box, and if it was short, you would hit your feet on the wheel baskets...

it is not a fraud, just really misinformed naive ''inventors''

fraud would be 'we are not even trying to make one of these'

wle

wle said...

yeah, terrible bike - but with hollow glowy wheels

wle

greencustodian said...

Mr.Snob,
Please could I ask what magic did you use to show the fiddling that had been done to that Emirates ad at the top of your post? You simply talk of "closer inspection" but I have lots of uses for such Photoshop-revealing magic.

greencustodian

Adam said...

This post was generated automatically by the Cyclotron (TM) App. The user has been killed in an unfortunate accident when an 18-wheeler carrying high-viz jackets, bike helmets and first aid kits veered into his path and mangled him with most of the wheels. The user died fairly quickly and only suffered for a moderate length of time. The emergency services were called after three hours had elapsed with no user input.

The Cyclotron (TM) App is designed to autodeliver obituaries to the most recent blogs visited by the user before their death. This blog was read 0 minutes before the accident.

Harry Reems said...

Nelly @ 402 (in the AM no Less) : "You want every moment of your big day captured in pictures"

I'll ask the GF if she's up for it.

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