Thursday, June 30, 2016

This Just In: Citi Bike Guest Post! (And other stuff too.)

As a cyclist, blogger, and cycling blogger, I've got an extensive résumé:

--Artisan curator of locally-sourced verbiage;
--Published book author of published books authored by me;
--Underpants model;
--Profligate embellisher of my own accomplishments.

You can also add accomplished Citi Bike Cat 6 racer to the list.  Indeed, I'm such a fan of Citi Bike that I've officially contributed to their website:
The idea here was to undertake some trips by Citi Bike in order to highlight their eminent utility for New York City neighborhood-hopping.  As you'll read in the above post, for my first trip I cut a diagonal swath through downtown Manhattan, and I've got a second and third post covering the Great Hipster Silk Route through Brooklyn and Queens currently in the works.

Sometimes I wish I didn't live here so I could visit as a tourist, because it must be awesome--and now I doubly wish I could visit as a tourist and use my own incredible Citi Bike blog posts as guides.

So read it now, because for all intents and purposes it's basically today's post.

Speaking of Citi Bikes, residents of Cobble Hill, Brooklyn will NOT let them destroy the very fabric of their neighborhood:

Pro tip, you nitwits: if "traffic and parking is a nightmare" you're gonna need more bikes, and that includes Citi Bikes.  By the way, I used to live in that neighborhood in a past life and pretty much all the traffic is due to drivers cutting through Downtown Brooklyn to avoid the toll on the Battery Tunnel and the traffic on the BQE.  It was a shitshow long before Citi Bike and it will continue to be a shitshow as long as the East River bridges are free.  So if you want to improve the situation you should be pushing for toll reform and not whining about losing three or four parking spaces to Citi Bikes, you friggin' dimbulbs.

By the way, the developers are going to peg you with shiny new high-rises no matter what you do.  The Citi Bikes and bike lanes are just red herrings.  (Or blue and green herrings respectively.)  So go ahead and argue about them, because you're playing right into their hands.

Lastly, via Streetsblog, Professor Putz over at Columbia University wants a mandatory bicycle helmet law based on his own anecdotal evidence:

I had spent the afternoon at Chelsea Market and the High Line and was in great spirits as I opened the door to my apartment and heard my phone ring. I picked it up and heard a voice inquire, “Is this Pendray Winkleman’s father? I’m calling from the emergency room of Weill Cornell. We have your son. He was in a cycling accident.”

My heart stopped. I listened and then jumped into a cab not really knowing what to expect.

SPOILER ALERT: The kid's pretty banged up, but ultimately he's fine.  So is his wife, despite her reckless driving:

My wife arrived, having driven at the speed of light down from Harriman State Park. We spent the evening explaining whatever we could and encouraging him to speak with family members and a few friends. Some memories began to reappear, but others disappeared. Fortunately, he stayed overnight in the ICU for further observation. By morning, his memory was jelling quickly, and in the early afternoon he was released.

I mean sure, she arrived with three or four cyclists plastered to her hood, but it was an emergency.

Anyway, Professor Putz--who teaches Healthcare Marketing at Columbia, and as far as I can tell is neither a medical doctor nor a physicist--knows that it was a helmet that saved his son's life, even though nobody knows any of the details surrounding the crash:

Without his helmet, the story would have ended differently. While we may never know what led up to the accident because my son’s memories of the 18 hours surrounding the event are MIA, there’s no doubt that beyond the magic care by New-York Presbyterian and Mount Sinai, it was his helmet that saved his life.

OK, why is there "no doubt" if you don't know shit about what led up to the "accident?"  How do you even know it was an "accident?"  Maybe it was a hit-and-run.  Maybe you should be outraged that people like your son are left bleeding in the streets every day, and that the prosecution rate is abysmal.  You might also take issue with the fact that Albany won't let the city install more speed cameras, though you're probably not because then your wife Lady Leadfoot might have to drive more carefully.

Nah, it's much easier to write off your son's misfortune as an "accident" (just like the police and the media do) and then ascribe mystical powers to a plastic hat.

And just like a true religious zealot he's practically foaming at the mouth with righteousness:

In the days since the accident, I’ve watched cyclists, even loudly urging some to wear a helmet, and have been distressed by the number of Citi Bike, messenger and business cyclists weaving in and out of traffic, ignoring bike lanes and all sans helmets.

If this Winkleman character ever, ever, EVER loudly urges me to wear a helmet I will unleash upon him a flood of withering invective of Biblical proportions.  In fact, as soon as I hit "publish" on this post I'm heading down to Columbia and riding helmetless laps up and down Broadway in the hope that he'll try it.

And now he wants a helmet law:

These are young people embarking on careers, parents heading home from work and hardworking people making deliveries — many without health insurance and the majority without helmets. They are all risking their lives.

In New York, bicycle helmets are required by law only for bicyclists younger than 14.

That’s not enough. New York must pass and enforce a helmet law — especially for Citi Bike riders who aren’t experienced in urban cycling and for businesses that use messengers. Health insurance companies should give a benefit (as they do for safe driving or not smoking) for riders who use a helmet.

Wow, what a sanctimonious schmuck..  Hey healthcare marketer: maybe instead of making these people wear foam yarmulkes we should be working for safer streets and better access to healthcare.  And at the very least the police should crack down on people who drive "at the speed of light," right?


And the Police Department must crack down on cyclists who are not using bike lanes or using them incorrectly (going the wrong way, for instance).


You know, there's a difference between riding a bicycle in the city and, well, this:

Now that's Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo!" speed.


Anonymous said...

What up.

Atherton said...

The password is.... Botero.

Atherton said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Woo hoo downhill road Fred vs motorcyclists!

Jean-Francois Caron said...

"Professor of Healthcare Marketing" is pretty much code for "evil fucktard who preys on human suffering", right?

I can't be the only one who thinks profiting from illness and injury is an abomination...

Ted K. said...

147. To start with, there are the techniques of surveillance. Hidden video cameras are now used in most stores and in many other places, computers are used to collect and process vast amounts of information about individuals. Information so obtained greatly increases the effectiveness of physical coercion (i.e., law enforcement). [26] Then there are the methods of propaganda, for which the mass communication media provide effective vehicles. Efficient techniques have been developed for winning elections, selling products, influencing public opinion. The entertainment industry serves as an important psychological tool of the system, possibly even when it is dishing out large amounts of sex and violence. Entertainment provides modern man with an essential means of escape. While absorbed in television, videos, etc., he can forget stress, anxiety, frustration, dissatisfaction. Many primitive peoples, when they don’t have work to do, are quite content to sit for hours at a time doing nothing at all, because they are at peace with themselves and their world. But most modern people must be constantly occupied or entertained, otherwise they get “bored,” i.e., they get fidgety, uneasy, irritable.

dancesonpedals said...

You can't spell woo-hoo-hoo without hoo-hoo.

Anonymous said...

top scrotium

Glory said...

I mean, legislating victim-blaming IS the logical next step.

!hrc said...

slow day, no pressure

Spokey said...

top X. teddy no county

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Twelfth Knight, Scranus!

seniorjohnl said...

If there wasn't a profit motive, would it still get done? Genius?

Spokey said...

many without health insurance

now i'm really confused. doesn't 'bama (not 'bamaphred of course) care mandate health care for everyone?

but ok, winky does appear some idiotic uninformed dick.

Jan! said...

Re: the picture of the Hell's Angels parking spot:

Did they simply place those traffic cones there themselves (and actually get away with it), or do they have some kind of legally reserved parking?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Healthcare marketing is necessary to continue collecting the premiums. After that, the health insurance companies follow the cardinal rule of claims processing - deny the claim. They know that some percentage of their insureds will just give up at that point. The ones that continue to press for reimbursement will then be dealt with, but by automatically denying everything first, they get to keep a chunk of money right off the top!

Nice writeup for Citibike. But no mention of preternaturally sticky hand grips for the unenlightened?

Two wheeled wombat said...

Professor Fucktard should move to Australia. They already have helmet laws and the kids there don't ride bicycles. It's also populated by a whole bunch of whinging sanctimonious know-it-all assholes, so he'd fit right in.

(Guy on the motorbike was a dick - did he get all butthurt being passed by a bicycle?)

crosspalms said...

Your Citibike post really makes me want to come to NY and explore. Is there room on the stem to add another commandment: Don't slap the firefighters.

dancesonpedals said...

Fucking Bears.

Better Late than Never said...

This Just IN! I'm on the 20th step of the podi. Weed!

wishiwasmerckx said...

While I support cyclist rights and advocate against violence, I would be tempted to mow down a cyclist named Pendray Winkleman just as a matter of principle.

dnk said...

"Professor Putz" a.k.a. John Winkleman is not a professor. He's a lecturer, not a full member of the faculty. Leroy's dog (I believe an adjunct professor) outranks Winkleman.

Anonymous said...

We have a safety nazi on our local trail. He must spend an hour each day coordinating and pulling together all his safety gear to don for his slow, daytime pedal up and down the 6 mile trail. At any rate, the daughter and I are are heading into town at her pace and having a nice chat when captain safety comes riding up the other way interrupting our nice moment frantically yelling "Dad needs to set a good example and wear a helment too." I have an imtimidating physical prescense so this statement from the presumptive fella was quite ballsy and wrong on a number of levels. One thing the ignorant scum doesn't know is that I have nerve damage that makes it so wearing a helmet feels like holding a blow torch to my face. I really have a hard time with people like this guy, the type to tell someone they don't belong in a handicap seat or spot because they don't look handicapped. I had a little chat with the guy and rode on. Maybe 30% of adults were wearing helmets on their slow journey up and down the trail. Can you imgaine being such a safety douche that you feel compelled to spew nonsense at strangers? He must spend his whole ride stewing over people's lack of safety gear. I now feel the need to torment the fella with sudden unsafe moves anytime I see him.

bad boy of the north said...

Ahhh...flashbacks to living in the lower east side.those were heady days..the 1980s and 1990s.don't miss the bullets,though.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

So when a bear kills a cyclist they don't blame the victim or say whether or not the cyclist was wearing a helment? WTF!

Freddy Murcks said...

Tenure is often granted for high accomplishments in the field of mental masturbation. Professor Putz is living proof. (He also did a good deal of actual masturbation, but he was commended by students and faculty alike for the fact that he did it in his office and he usually closed the door before whipping it out and rubbing one up.)

Frickus Rungus said...

That motorcycle video reminded me of some stupid behavior that I have witnessed on multiple occasions.
There is a steep hill near where I live that allows you to achieve woo-hoo speed easily. The speed limit on this hill is sub-woo-hoo speed. For whatever stupid reason, most car drivers feel compelled to pass a bicycle going down this hill, even if they have to exceed the speed limit, cross the double yellow line and/or squeeze the cyclist towards the unpaved shoulder at 45+ miles an hour.

Anonymous said...

Fuck bears and mountain lions.

McFly said...

HEAD is an endangered species and should be protected from extinction at all costs.

balls™ said...

Where's my flying car? Where's my hubless bicycle? Where's my self-cleaning AI sex robot?

Comment deleted said...

I know that guy on the motorcycle! His name is Harry DuSchwad.

JLRB said...

"The bear knocked Treat off his bike, and the second rider left to look for help"

AKA rode off ass fast as possible to save his own ass

JLRB said...

enjoyed the citibike tour piece - good gig!

Anonymous said...

Rungus.. YES..! why is this so? I have a hill near me where this happens to me regularly.. I am traveling at warp woo-hoo factor 5, above the speed limit, yet every car is determined to pass.. WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Healthcare marketer??
I didn't think that would need marketing.

Maybe it's marketing along the lines of "if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor" or "you'll save so much money" when in fact, it's tons more.

I gotta find those anti CitiBike ads and mess with them...


Grump said...

Does Professor Putz also wants helments for pedestrians???

PS. It's time to organize a nighttime Cat 7 Criterium using only Citi Bikes.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob,
You might find this interesting: bringing hopeless bicycle sketches to life with digital renderings!!

Ki Ho'Alu said...

Love the cyclist passing bikers video.Stealth passing at it's best. HaHaHa. Been there done that, except we passed wide ass Buicks! And that was in the pre-helmet phase of my no-category - go fast days. Helmets were considered "brain-buckets" so it would be an easier clean up if in fact you were to go down hard enough to cause a mess of your grey matter. E'f'n'ha! Let's go fast.

1904 Cadardi said...


Yep, happens to me all the time too. Hey, just because I'm on a bike doesn't mean I'm slow.

I did have a guy on a motorcycle catch me at the bottom of a long twisty decent and say "Damn, you're fast on those skinny little tires. I could barely keep up."

JuanOffhue said...

The best sustained woohoohoo I ever had was coming off Independence Pass heading toward Aspen with full Tailwind panniers on my front lowriders. There were cars behind me, but I wasn’t slowing them down any. The climb up from the Leadville side was a bitch, but the payoff was satisfying.

By the way, I see the boffins have developed a couple of ways to discover hidden motors in the upcoming TdF:

Anonymous said...

You know what else that Citibike dock by the High Line is good for? A visit to the Liberty Inn.

N/A said...

Those fucking dong-smacks that want to pass laws because one of their special snowflakes got hurt are, ironically, horrible for bikecyclists. They kneejerk and speculate, and the fucking tards follow right along.

BCingU said...

What have you all got planned for CANADA DAY? Do you know that we are going to be almost 150 years old? I feel I need to apologize for how proud I feel, but I'm going to own this one. In fact I'm going to ride down to White Rock, stand with one leg in the USA and one leg in Canada so the 49th parallel is the bisector of my scrotum and eat a beaver tail.

Winky said...

Guy on the motorbike is a plonker. Important rule of motorcycle riding: Don't ride with anyone who has so little control they can't avoid crossing the centreline. You will eventually be picking them out of a truck grill.

Hadda Bikeonce said...

Yes, I agree Winky. Those duders were all over the road. Have they ever heard of pick a line? I would be scared to ride with them. At least they were wearing helmets.

DB said...

Wildcat: your best travelogue ever.

EricBikeCO said...

Came off my bike, at 30mph,into a creek (really it was the rocks next to, but shut up) and my foam hat had a 3/4" deep dent that would have been into my skull. Granitic contents of said skull aside, idda been a pile of asparagus, and my wife tells me she will not wipe my ass. Won't eat my baguette either, but I digress and cross-post-comment. Helmets are not bad. That said, we live on Fuqin 'murika where 58% of the people want better gun laws, but fuck that cuz your Senators have The NRA baguette in their mouth... It's my choice to pursue happiness with or without shit on my head. QED

EricBikeCO said...

Came off my bike, at 30mph,into a creek (really it was the rocks next to, but shut up) and my foam hat had a 3/4" deep dent that would have been into my skull. Granitic contents of said skull aside, idda been a pile of asparagus, and my wife tells me she will not wipe my ass. Won't eat my baguette either, but I digress and cross-post-comment. Helmets are not bad. That said, we live on Fuqin 'murika where 58% of the people want better gun laws, but fuck that cuz your Senators have The NRA baguette in their mouth... It's my choice to pursue happiness with or without shit on my head. QED

EricBikeCO said...

Came off my bike, at 30mph,into a creek (really it was the rocks next to, but shut up) and my foam hat had a 3/4" deep dent that would have been into my skull. Granitic contents of said skull aside, idda been a pile of asparagus, and my wife tells me she will not wipe my ass. Won't eat my baguette either, but I digress and cross-post-comment. Helmets are not bad. That said, we live on Fuqin 'murika where 58% of the people want better gun laws, but fuck that cuz your Senators have The NRA baguette in their mouth... It's my choice to pursue happiness with or without shit on my head. QED

bieks said...

Maybe someday I'll understand why people are more concerned with people hurting themselves than they are with people hurting other innocent people. It's okay to hurt other people who aren't asking for it and don't want it, but don't willfully and consentingly create the perception that you're putting yourself at risk.

Anonymous said...

Today is national repeat-a-post-three-times day

I came off my bike while wearing a helment and broke my ankle - fugging useless helment

Anonymous said...

Today is national repeat-a-post-three-times day

I came off my bike while wearing a helment and broke my ankle - fugging useless helment

Anonymous said...

Today is national repeat-a-post-three-times day

I came off my bike while wearing a helment and broke my ankle - fugging useless helment

Holy Roller said...

When I prepare for a ride I put on the 'whole armour of God' like all Jesus fearing cyclists should. This discription is both literal, symbolic, and psychological. 'Put on righteousness like a breastplate, and a HELMET of salvation on your head, and put on garments of vengeance for clothing, and then wrap yourself with zeal as a mantle. Thusly donned, I go forth, pedal and pray. Amen.

BamaPhred said...

No Spokey. Bama mandates you to be an obese diabetic moron who drives her car to go across the parking lot from shop to shop instead of walking.
I love these Snob travelogues.

Some guy from upstate said...

Man, they know motorcycles are supposed to lean in corners, right? No wonder bikey-dude passed, he must have been bored shitless following those dorks. I'd be too embarrassed to post a video that showed such abysmal cornering lines and a total inability to stay on the happy side of the road.

Anonymous said...

I know that bicycles can legally pass on the inside when they are filtering in stalled traffic, but at woohoo speeds? I'm not condoning the idiot on the motorcycle but the cyclist made a stupid (probably illegal) move by passing on the inside at those speeds.

If you are caught behind traffic with no-overtaking lines then you just suck it up and slow down. It doesn't matter if they are idiots on motorcycles.

leroy said...

I don't mean to brag, but a celebrity bike blogger photographed me on a Citibike portaging smoked salmon over the Queensboro Bridge last fall.

My dog autographed it and sent it to Dorothy Rabinowitz.

I've been getting the weirdest email since.

The woman is a freak.

N/A said...

Smoked salmon on a citibike? Surely that's breaking some kind of law in Australia.

Hard Head said...

EricBikeCO @ 8:46, @8:46, @8:47. 3/4" deep dent you say, say, say? I once hit a bicycle helmet with a baseball bat and it broke in half. I was once hit in the head with a baseball bat and I got real cross and beat the shit out of the guy who hit me. Guess what? Foam hats are not skulls. A broken foam hat doesn't mean shit apart from that it is time to go get a new foam hat - and to tell everyone how your foam hat saved your life.

Anonymous said...

The privileged car sucks. You rock. CITI bikes roll.

bike bum said...

if it wasnt national repeat-a-post-three-times day
i would have come in at top 57
i would have passed the numb sculls on the mtr bike. he deserved it

bad boy of the north(us) said...

happy Canada day to all the beakers in the the north country.

bad boy of the north(us) said...

especially to ms.babble and mr.commiecanuck.any other canadiens,under the radar,as well.

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