Bikes: Still the Number One Problem Facing Humanity Today

(Gate for pedestrian access...TO HELL!!!)

Yesterday at about 11:30am a loser and complete douchebag woke up, breakfasted on sugar cereal and Mountain Dew, and then hooked up with his loser douchebag friend in order to ride their stupid farty dirt bikes on the nature trail in Van Cortlandt Park.  As they neared the golf course clubhouse, their piece of shit bikes sputtering like they probably do themselves when they try to form a complete sentence, they passed the World's Greatest Bike Blogger:

(I have no idea who took this or when, but it's awesome.)

A dashing figure clad in a cheap black windbreaker and a sweat-stained hat, the World's Greatest Bike Blogger was preparing to give an interview to a pair of UK filmmakers working on a documentary about New York City traffic violence.  Incensed by the douchebags and their sickening disregard for public safety and the law, the World's Greatest Bike Blogger shouted over the flatulent motors that he was going to call 911 and then banished them to Yonkers from whence (he assumed) they came.  To this, one of the douchebags replied by presenting his middle finger, and then off to Yonkers (he assumes) they went.

Sadly the cameras were not yet rolling so I cannot offer video of the event, but I did take a few snaps as I chided them, and here's one of the douchebags:

Yes, a real prickface if there ever was one, his bent and limp brake lever reflecting both his poor riding ability as well as his utter lack of potency:

Alas, ATVs and the like are a problem in New York City, and the NYPD is responding with the modern equivalent of a public execution:

The city's top cop is going medieval on the summertime scourge of “screwballs” driving reckless, high-speed motor bikes on the streets.

Police Commissioner Bill Bratton said Sunday some 500 two-wheeled motorcycles, dirt bikes and four-wheeled ATVs seized by the police this year will be publicly destroyed sometime in the next week.

He went on to tee off on the folks who speed down crowded city streets in irritating flocks of the often-unmuffled machines.

I'm all in favor of this and would enjoy few things more than seeing the bikes of those riders I encountered destroyed, yet at the same time it's frustrating that when it comes to the drivers who are actually killing people on a daily basis the NYPD is generally happy to let them go.  Sure, ATVs are not street-legal, but strictly speaking neither are many of the cars currently plying the streets.  And I'm not talking about tinted windows and performance modifications either.  I'm talking about insurance fraud.  Lots of drivers in New York City illegally register their vehicles out-of-state, taking advantage of the much lower insurance premiums, or (in the case of states like New Hampshire and Virginia) lack of insurance requirements altogether.  And you know what happens when one of those uninsured drivers hits you?  Nothing.  The police are more than happy to let them go, and unless you're lucky enough to be driving a car too and have your own insurance policy to look to, you're basically fucked.

Bike lane opponents love to decry the loss of parking, but one can only imagine how much street space would be freed up if somebody made a concerted effort to crack down on illegally-registered cars.  Sadly this will never happen, presumably because the people who would be responsible for enforcing illegally-registered cars are the same people who are driving them.

Given this, I suppose it's easier to hold monster truck rally-style ATV smashings, and to remind cyclists to "Yeild to Peds:"

(Spotted by Samuel)

I guess those signs don't have spell-check.

And let's not forget that "bikes are a big problem," at least according to the new commander of the 19th Precinct on the Upper East Side of Manhattan:

(Via Streetsblog)

He wasted no time in getting right to the heart of a major concern for Upper East Side residents: “From what I understand, bikes are a big problem,” he said. “I think the 19th precinct is the only command in the city that writes and confiscates more bicycles than the 17th precinct. I think the officers here … are aggressively pursuing it. And my goal is to continue that.”

In a city where people are getting killed and maimed by drivers on a regular basis it's frankly revolting to hear someone from the NYPD not only call bikes a "big problem" but brag to a bunch of rich people about how they're confiscating more of them than the other guys in the slightly less wealthy precinct next-door.  Then again, I suppose he's under tremendous pressure from people like noted urban planning authority Woody Allen:

"None of the streets can accommodate a bike lane in a graceful way," Allen said, arguing that the DOT's plan to add bike lanes to Upper East Side crosstown streets is out of step with the community. "Every street has a good argument why it shouldn't have a lane."

May I interject one statement at this juncture? And I don't mean to be didactic or facetious in any way, but shut the fuck up, Woody.

I don't think there's a single street in Manhattan that accommodates motor vehicle traffic "in a graceful way," so what the hell is he even talking about?  Even more vexingly, why is someone as notoriously private as Woody Allen publicly sounding off on the subject he probably knows the least about?  (Besides sleeping with women his own age, of course.)  If we want insight into having once been a great filmmaker, playing clarinet, or seducing our step-daughters we'll ask for it, otherwise please leave matters of life and death to the professionals--or, failing that, the Department of Transportation.

Speaking of people operating outside of the area of their expertise, check this out:



Basically this guy invented a revolutionary bagless vacuum sweeper attachment once:

So now he's going to revolutionize your bike with these:

Call me skeptical, but I'm always leery of any inventor who starts his bicycle-themed pitch like this:

"I was watching the Tour de France bicycle race when I got the idea..."

That's like saying "I was watching the debates on CNN when I decided I should run for President."

My favorite part of this video is the guy who demonstrates pedal installation and removal, because he sounds like he's describing the Kennedy assassination:

("Back...and to the left.")

I also liked this convincing demonstration:

So basically it's the same as using a different gearing, or crank length, or one of those elliptical chainrings, or some combination thereof.

I'll wait until it comes in crabon.

Lastly, I'd like to remind you once again that this Saturday I'll be doing a group ride/presentation/book-signing thingy in Hoboken together with Von Hof Cycles and Little City Books:

If you're heading out that way, I'll be the person on the PATH train with a Brompton.