Wednesday, May 4, 2016

I'm Number One! (With an asterisk.)

When you're A) a book author with a new book out and 2) completely full out of yourself, you can't help visiting the website of a certain retail behemoth named after a river to see how it's doing.  Well imagine my delight when I learned that I've got A BEST SELLER!


...in bike repair:


Which is the literary equivalent of winning the Cat 6 KOM on the Manhattan Bridge during the morning rush hour, and Brooklyn-bound at that.

As for how my new book stacks up against the rest of the cycling world's prosaic efforts, I'm sitting in a respectable fifth position:

Though of course the book just came out yesterday, so I'm basically the recently upgraded rider who burned all his matches to get into the break, and who will probably slip right out the back of it again and out of the pack altogether in short order.

Nevertheless, in the meantime I'm reveling in my temporary celebrity by doing stuff like bloviating on podcasts:


I'm very grateful to Fat Cyclist for inviting me on his show, and somewhat less grateful that he posted this photo of us taken at a bar in Brooklyn some years back:


I may never live down the humiliation of wearing a Rapha jacket in public.

Speaking of my book, which is all I currently care about, I continue to receive nit-picky bike dork comments about the front fender on the cover because bike dorks can't shut up about that sort of thing.  Therefore, in the spirit of the software update, I'm officially releasing a downloadable patch:


If you really can't stand that front fender, simply print out the above image and glue it to your book.

Problem solved.

Now shut up.

Of course, even when you're the Number One Best-Selling Author In Bike Repair (no mean feat considering the book's not even really about bike repair), people still take advantage of you.  Consider this Garmin ad in Bicycling that invokes Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed without crediting your's truley:


(Photo via Peter)

I realize I've mentioned this before, and I also realize I've got a somewhat inflated sense of myself, but there's no way that 46mph is a coincidence.  Frankly, I think they missed a fantastic marketing opportunity by not paying me to be in the ad.  Come on, me dressed as Bret and flying down a mountain pass with a great big "Oh shit!" look on my face?  They'd sell a zillion of those goddamn Fred computers, guaranteed.

Indeed, by appearing in an advertisement in a glossy magazine I'd be realizing a lifelong dream--as I would if I got a chance to ride with Mario Cipollini:



Have you got a few hours to spare this Thursday (May 5)? Can you get to London with your bike? If so, head to London Zoo for midday and you can ride with the legendary Mario Cipollini.

Wow!  London is possibly my favorite city in the world besides New York--and come to think of it New York is an overpriced shithole so I guess that means London is my favorite city period.  (Or "full stop" as they say over there, see what an Anglophile I am?)  So to ride in it with Mario Cipollini would be truly sublime.  To that end, I'm launching a Kickstarter in order to get myself to London by tomorrow.  Here are the rewards:

Pledge $5: I send you a terse thank you and pocket the money.
Pledge $10: I send you a terse thank you and buy myself a drink at a bar.
Pledge $100: Now we're getting somewhere.
Pledge round-trip first class airfare on a top-tier carrier: I ride shirtless and covered in olive oil as an homage to Cipollini and return with a sample of his semen you can use for breeding purposes.  (You provide semen shipping container, available here at a discount, simply use discount code CIPO at checkout.)

By the way, if you're wondering why they're meeting at the zoo, Cipollini keeps a pied-à-terre there where he puts himself on display in exchange for free rent:


(Cipollini relaxing in his enclosure during a recent visit to London.)

Meanwhile, in bike tech news, BikeRadar wants you to know that if you complain about all these stupid new bike component standards then there's something wrong with you:


Which is odd, because if you read the article it goes on to complain about exactly the same thing we've all been complaining about:

Nonstandard standards

The biggest real charge that can be levelled against ‘the industry’ is the widespread mistake of calling every new measurement a standard. Created a bottom bracket that’s 3mm wider than all the others? It’s misleading and inaccurate to tell everyone this is a revolutionary new standard. It is, in fact, an awkward new measurement.

Funnily enough, marketing departments don’t fancy printing Awkward New Measurement all over the down tube – not even ANM Technology – so they tend to write something else. They really should stop with the ‘standard’ thing, though.

Yeah, no shit.  We're not complaining about the stuff that works and is better.  We're complaining about the stupid bottom bracket shells that sound like Mario Cipollini cracking his knuckles before an "epic" wank.

Penultimately, remember the Frontal Aerospoke Craze of the Early Aughts?

Well, it's back--and it's motorized!



Now you can launch yourself off the curb at 20mph, which seems like a really great idea:


Though I hope you'll be able to stop the thing with your paltry rim brakes:


Lastly, I was reading the following obituary in the New York Times:


And though I wasn't familiar with the artist I was intrigued to learn she created a piece called "Lick the Tire of My Bicycle," which one article describes thusly:

In “Lick the Tire of My Bicycle”, 1974, legs sprout from colorful buttocks on bicycle seat that are a target of a gun held by a hand that on is mirrored on the opposite side by a hand growing from a hairy phallus. The zippy ardor of the colored pencil striations in purple, orange and pink contrast with the dark violence of bullets, penetration and explosive, coercive sexuality. An ugly John Wayne rides a child’s pony like a carousel horse, with pistol cocked and the horn of his saddle obscenely erect. Close inspection of most of the iconic figures reveal critical details: Marisol likes to open doors to celebrity culture’s dark closet of skeletons.

I think I just found the design for the new BSNYC jersey.

94 comments:

DB said...

Really?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

PO-Diddy. Scranus

Bromptonaut said...

Third consecutive podium

ermmurray said...

I just bought it

ermmurray said...

Wild rock cat man fan boy no.1

Brad Smith said...

Do I still get a kiss from the podium girl?

cdinvb said...

I was out of town.

Anonymous said...

TOP 10!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

"your's truly"? its to bad you're helper monkey isn't a grammatician!

Loved the downloadable book cover patch. I may just bring one to Hoboken Saturday for an autographical moment. I would never cause an Amy Schumer selfie moment though.

Bryan said...

FattyCast downloaded! I guess I'll listen to half now, and save the other half for the bike ride home. Question for you - I remember you had some noise coming from your Cambium. Was that a creak or a squeak? I'm chasing a sound down on my commuter.

Dooth said...

"Lick the tire of my bicycle after I've ridden over dog shit" was the artwork's original title, but it was considered to risqué at the time. It wouldn't raise an eyebrow today.

marty said...

lick my tire you bestseller

Dooth said...

Too risqué, I know.

N/A said...

I am going to leave the following review for Wildcat's new book on the famous retailer named after a large river:

"The zippy ardor of the colored pencil striations in purple, orange and pink contrast with the dark violence of bullets, penetration and explosive, coercive sexuality."

wishiwasmerckx said...

Reminds me of my favorite quote from the gifted artiste known as Nicki Minaj:

"Lick my ass and my anus
cause it's finally famous."

Poetry, indeed. I live my life by those pearls of wisdom.

N/A said...

Lieutenant Oblivious said...
"your's truly"? its to bad you're helper monkey isn't a grammatician!


The curse of the Internet Corrector has struck!

Old timer said...

Huh? What?

Dooth said...

SHUT UP LEGS! is #1? We can not let that stand for long.

IP_Freely said...

Snob, you gotta strike with IP theft litigation to stop these lowly thieves from borrowing your intellectual property.

Just like Mike Sinyard, only better.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

I'm number 20... without ass-ter-x

McFly said...

#1 with a Semen Bullet! Nice......

(I shoot blanks)

Freddy Murcks said...

Can someone explain to me the purpose of that 'leg over the handlebars' fixie trick? If it was intended to make the trickster look like a fucking spaz, then mission accomplished. However, I suspect that was not the intent even if it was the inevitable result.

Frickus Rungus said...

Freddy - I think that it is a fancy pants way to take most of the weight off of the rear wheel so that you can stop pedalling suddenly and lay down some epic skidz.

Or maybe it is just a way to increase airflow to the scranus for a moment and dry things out down there...

Jens Mustaine said...

My book will be called "shut-up bottom bracket" and buy my wine

Unknown said...

>You provide semen shipping container

I'm sure Mario supplies quantity, but surely not a whole shipping container?

NHcycler said...

I was sure that the semen container link would lead to the "Just Kidding" boat couple. I'm lucky the URL shows up at the bottom of the screen when the cursor hovers over the link, so I don't have to actually click on it.

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and Kasich drops out, leaving Trump as the official GOP nominee. Millions of US citizens prepare to repatriate to Canada. BabbleOn, clear the clutter out of your garage. You are getting tenants...

ken e. said...

man that dude is greasy.

buyer beware said...

Geoorbital wheel weighs 17-20 lbs, and goes 12-20 miles without pedaling, but makes your bike a lot heavier while pedaling. Sounds real stupid except for people who have a big hill on a short commute. But it is a wheel friction drive which could maybe (maybe not) be knocked off super cheap by a simple roller on a regular tire.

crosspalms said...

Visited my LBS (b as in book) but they don't have yours yet, which made me consider the iBooks version, which prompted this actual serious question: Which way do you make the most money off me? I realize whatever you get from me is probably not enough for a cup of coffee, but what format and/or retailer would get you closest to that cup of coffee?

Spokey said...

When you're A) a . . . and 2)

does that count as a mixed metaphor?



can't even count that high i'm so far from the podi

Steven Falkowski said...

AYHL TOMB

All You Haters Lick
Tires Of My Bicycle.

Spokey said...


first question

from amazon: 3 Used from $13.74

how the hell? must be faster reader than moi

JLRB said...

Here is that bike-tire-licky-art-work

N/A said...

Snobby is #1 on the charts... and in our hearts*.






*metaphorically speaking, naturally. In reality, I've got blood and plaque and part of an old boot in there.

JLRB said...

Lieutenant Oblivious said...
"your's truly"? its to bad you're helper monkey isn't a grammatician!

Lieutenant O - check your own monkey! "its to" ??? "it's too"

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Spokey, in the good old days of publishing, there were advance copies sent to reviewers that subsequently ended up being sold - think Strand Book Store in the 1970's. Have no idea how the publishing bidness works these days but those 3 used copies could be that - is it possible all 3 advance review copies ended up for sale on Amazon?

Anonymous said...

Go collect your Cipo semen and enough with the sports metaphors .

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

JLRB, I have no monkey capable of spell check. I did that intentionally, and not only "its to" instead of "it's too" but also "you're" instead of "your". And thanks for the bigger picture of Lick The Tire of My Bicycle. I still can't find John Wayne on the child's pony though.

"An ugly John Wayne rides a child’s pony like a carousel horse, with pistol cocked and the horn of his saddle obscenely erect. Close inspection of most of the iconic figures reveal critical details: Marisol likes to open doors to celebrity culture’s dark closet of skeletons."

Spokey said...


leftenant

are those legal two sell? in the software biz we used to get advanced copies as well (i guess mostly beta testing). but you had to sign away your life to not resell. also, sometimes they'd put some secret serial or so in to the code so they could trace back any illegally sold copies.

PSI? said...

There's a "hairy phallus", ring up Devon

Pataki for President said...

I hate Trump, but i enjoyed watching him trounce and eliminate scum like Cruz, Walker, Bush, and Rubio who i hate a lot more.

Better his wife than one of us said...

Cruz's campaign ends with an elbow to wife's face

Meanwhile said...

Cruz cruises onto the infield and shuts down his bike's electric motor. The Ayatollah Trump hires architects for his walls. Hillary advocates raising the minimum wage to $250,000 a speech.

Whoa said...

"shipping container" if you mean like the ones you see on container ships, that's some load.

Anonymous said...

"the horn of his saddle obscenely erect." Are we talking about the nude Cipo photo?

Where has our Babble Gone to? said...

Has Babble dropped out of cycling, sex and commenting?

JLRB said...

Lt O - uh, nevermind.

I can't find John Wayne either - there must be a better view out there somewhere on the web

Josephus said...

Have to say, the Powered Mini Penny Farthing at 2:14 looks pretty cool.

Anonymous said...

i have brought my little copy to the dc area to read while visiting a relative in the hospital.i needed some sort of sleep aid and the book was my choice.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

My book title - "Shut Up Squeaky DEE-Railah!"

followed by the touriste version, "Shut Up MAFAC Centerpulls!"
and the You're a peein translation,
"Shut Up MAFAC Centrepulls!"

Ms. Babble is out there, just bizzy I imagine. Probly making some room...

http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/information/applications/adults.asp

At least we'll get to see more Melania pix !! Yummy !


vsk

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Spokey, I don't know if it was legal way back in the last century, let alone what goes on now, but in the late 1970's I used to buy a lot of books about Jaguars, Austin-Healeys and other classic cars from The Strand Book Store down on Broadway in the East Village. Some of them even had cards stuck or pasted in them that indicated they were advance review copies and were not to be resold but they were for sale at The Strand and I bought them.

And Ted Cruz not only elbowed his wife in the face he managed to follow it up with a punch to the face too. He's likely been foreclosed from foreplay and sex from his wife for a while too now!

gg clinton said...

You don't get the President you want, you get the President you deserve!

Roille Figners said...

What's all this about Trump, you mean DONALD Trump? Like from the 80s?

leroy said...

Oh sure, my dog gets a shout out in the podcast, but me, I'm chopped liver.

He's been insufferable all morning, explaining that a canine book-signing consists of marking his territory and offering to autograph my jerseys - something I almost missed because I thought he said New Jersey and assumed he meant he was attending the event in Hoboken.

(P.S. -- Lt. Oblivious: Vito died.)

Anonymous said...

i have brought my little copy to the dc area to read while visiting a relative in the hospital.i needed some sort of sleep aid and the book was my choice.

Anonymous said...

Sorry abt the double commentary

Anonymous said...

Like Cipo cracking his knuckles before an spic wank. Gold, Snobby, gold!

Anonymous said...

I am so confused. Cipo is not wearing a helmet while riding in London, but he is wearing one while riding a trainer while being butt-nekked.

Victor Jesús Ramón Chanclas de la O said...

That's Latino wank to you pendejo.

Dave said...

That's OK Anon - we're all going to need sleep aids what with all this danged perversion, nekkid oiled-up heroic nudes and people being told to lick stuff not ordinarily ever licked by sane persons. I think I've inadvertently wandered into some kind of "dark mirror" site where while is brown, etc.

Dave said...

or, white is brown. Or, green is purple, etc.

Dave said...

Or, helmets are just kinky accessories. Smell the glove. And the tire.

I'm no good ..... said...

Is this working? I'm no good at this.
http://artknowledgenews.com/files2009dic/John-Wayne-Marisol-Escobar.jpg

John Wayne is a separate work.

Comment deleted said...

I'd buy the hell out of that jersey.

crosspalms said...

That makes it easier to figure the thing out: someone on a twicycle gets caught in a shootout, hits a pedestrian and startles a chambered nautilus into green-splurge-powered flight as an already airborne fish watches. It'll make a great jersey. That saddle looks pretty painful, though.

bcstractor said...

I'm wondering how the electric wheel copes with water, rocks, plastic bags and twigs thrown into the drive rollers?

Presumably a "header" is the norm.

Capo said...

Ewww...just thinking about Cipo's ass sweaty saddle makes my stomach turn. Puking, blahhh gush.

P. Bateman said...

I came here (and there) today to see John Wayne's saddle erection as I just KNEW someone would be able to cum through on that - thanks @Nogood.

keep missing the early train. been actually working hard lately. it really sucks John Wayne'g.

speaking of John Wayne's wang: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uv_WGEHr4I

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

I said 69, heh-heh!

I'm no good, the way I, and also JLRB read this paragraph, it sure sounded like John Wayne was in the Lick the Tire of My Bicycle work -

"In “Lick the Tire of My Bicycle”, 1974, legs sprout from colorful buttocks on bicycle seat that are a target of a gun held by a hand that on is mirrored on the opposite side by a hand growing from a hairy phallus. The zippy ardor of the colored pencil striations in purple, orange and pink contrast with the dark violence of bullets, penetration and explosive, coercive sexuality. An ugly John Wayne rides a child’s pony like a carousel horse, with pistol cocked and the horn of his saddle obscenely erect. Close inspection of most of the iconic figures reveal critical details: Marisol likes to open doors to celebrity culture’s dark closet of skeletons."

The article is laid out with the picture and the paragraph, and then goes into a new paragraph about "The Funeral" with a picture of that work. The author never mentioned that "John Wayne" is the name of a separate work either. So thanks for setting me straight!

Spokey said...

leroy


                         vito lives
               vito lives vito lives
 vito lives vito live svito lives vito lives

ken e. said...

chimp and wonder dog
frolic on rooster's grave
idyllic spring afternoon

the commentariat said...

Ken e, is that some veiled reference to the town musicians of Bremen?

ken e. said...

uhhh, what? (clicking noise) no, that's a rad story tho.

ken e. said...

referencing this guy

BamaPhred said...

My attempt to sum up instant classic Snob blogulation in haiku.

Licking tire
John Wayne anger
Cipo epic wank

Beerfueled said...

BIKE SNOB enjoys a good Belgian beer, it seems.

When your world book tour brings you to Colorado, there are very good fiets-friendly beer options here. Some particularly stand out.

bad boy of dc said...

Dave....nice spinal tap reference .

BamaPhred said...

It's getting curiouser and curiouser. Now the NFL is warning it's players not to eat beef from China, cause eating it could make you fail the drug test, cause Clenbuterol. Haven't we heard this before? And NFL, Clenbuterol is the least of your problems.

Reggie said...

"Ted is dead!" Sung over and over in the Frank Black/Black Francis voice. Hallelujah!

The Bloodhound Gang said...

"I'm not black like Barry White, no I am white like Frank Black

Nigel said...

Lick my tire... And my love pump.

Anonymous said...

Check out how poorly that dude in the wheel video does up his QR

Anonymous said...

Hey if this book selling thing stops working, you can always start a new career as a Bono look alike.

Anonymous said...

Garmin advertisement looks like it has a penis in the lower left.

bad boy of dc said...

Today's blondie cartoon strip has an almost snobbie reference .well cinco de mayo,y'all.

Captain Oblivious said...

Isn't posting 5 of May in Spanish a micro agression? Or at least cultural appropriation. Or some other bad bad thing?

bbodc said...

Meant...happy.and CO,don't know.

JLRB said...

*There is an asterisk in every crowd

JLRB said...

No good - let me translate with my rudimentary HTML skilz

Here is the Ugly John Wayne Art Work

*John Wayne was uglier as Rooster Cogburn

Electrical banana is gonna be a sudden craze said...

"Third consecutive podium" Excellent Work - do you still get podium kisses? Or do the podium babes get tried of seeing you everyday - as in "Oh, him again, the guy with the electric Promp."

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