Tuesday, March 15, 2016

There's No Faster Lube Than Snake Oil

Well my Cat 6 racing career is about to take a quantum leap forward, because I'm sending all my chains in for customized lubing:



You may remember that Ceramic Speed was selling a "race-day-only" chain for like $165.  At the time I naively thought this was a sign that we'd attained "Peak Fred," but now it seems positively quaint compared to "an exclusive personal service" whereby your chain is "hand treated with a unique Speed Film Lubrication:"

Muc-Off is offering an exclusive personal service where you can purchase a Shimano, Campagnolo or SRAM chain that is hand treated with a unique Speed Film Lubrication; NanoTube Chain Optimisation.

The Ceramic Speed is also a relative bargain when you consider the Muc-Off is closer to two hundred (200) American Fun Tickets:

The prices are:

Shimano RRP £135
SRAM RRP £137
Campagnolo RRP £140

Muc-Off?  More like Fuck Off.

So how do they do it?

"Each chain is painstakingly speed graded and run-in under load during which data is taken to find its optimum. Now it’s sonic cleaned in several formulas and hand treated with the Nanotube formula, then nanotube particles are applied. It’s now finally ready for track, triathlon, road or MTB competition straight out of the box. This is perfect for you if you have a major race or event coming up.

Indeed.  By the way, if you're wondering what the proprietary "Nanotube formula is," let's just say it's extracted by hand from an organic source:


Then, once they've got a trough full of "Speed Film Lubrication" (this takes anywhere from one to six hours depending on whether the organic source "entertained" the night before), your chain is lovingly bathed in it:


Eeew.

And while the proprietary $200 Cipo-Jizz treatment will eventually wear off your $200 chain, it does work again after a brief refractory period, just like Cipollini himself:

"Once you are ready to clean the chain then you can still bring your chain back to within 1-2 watts of when it is at its optimum by applying the top up Nanotube Speed Film Lube available on the Muc-Off website. This means you can thoroughly clean and re-treat your chain for many more hundreds of miles of ultimate speed. It won't be as fast as when it was first treated as we use a special technique and processes to ensure the formula is driven deep into each link for 100% coverage (we also apply a powder externally) but you can still achieve significant savings. Don’t worry it will still be one of the fastest chains on the planet!" 

"Driven deep into each link for 100% coverage" indeed.

Just make sure to always handle your chain while wearing latex gloves lest you find yourself inadvertently impregnated.  (You run this risk regardless of your gender, as years of PEDs and male enhancement treatments have rendered Cipollini universally potent.)

Speaking of slime, I received an important press release informing me that someone called Jan Frodeno is now the official brand ambassador for something called pjur ative!

As the most successful triathlete in the world today, Jan Frodeno is now also the official partner and brand ambassador of pjur active! This multiple IRONMAN and Olympic champion is completely won over by pjuractive 2skin - the new gel for the prevention of chafing and blistering: "In the past, I often had problems with sores and blisters. But thanks to 2skin I no longer experience chafing, even during long open water swimming sessions or after endless miles of cycling and jogging", says Jan Frodeno. 

Hey, I don't know who any of these people are, but congratulations to Mr. Frodeno on solving the crotch problems that have apparently dogged him throughout his career:


Hopefully soon we'll see a Hollywood biopic about how Frodeno transcended scranus sores and taint blisters thanks to his own perseverance as well as the brilliant scientists at pjur active...

...or, maybe it will be a Morlan Spurlock documentary about how pjur active is made using inhumane 19th century farming techniques:


Yes, that Cipollini is a one-man unguent factory.

Meanwhile, you've heard of fat bikes, and you've heard of gravel bikes, and you've even heard of dedicated lunch ride bikes, but I've got a feeling that the hot new segment is going to be weather station bikes:


Yes, microclimates are the new gravel:

GPS, fisheye lens camera, barometer, humidity gauge — it’s not a newfangled smartphone, it’s a research-grade weather station mounted on a cargo bike, designed by University at Buffalo architect Nicholas Rajkovich to measure the microclimates of Cleveland.

Which is why you need a dedicated weather bike to explore them:

“If you could start to correlate having trees with increased temperatures, or certain types of pavement with increased temperatures, you can start to write policies about what you want to do in the city to reduce the urban heat island effect,” says Rajkovich. “Most of the time when you take these measurements they are done at the airports or they’re done from satellites taking pictures from the ground. … [The bicycle weather station] gets at the microclimates we experience on a day-to-day basis but that maybe aren’t as well studied.”

Just check out these specs, which will surely have the Meteorology Freds drooling:

Rajkovich’s 25-pound bike is mounted with about 50 pounds of equipment, including instruments to record air temperature, ground surface temperature, bike speed, humidity and solar radiation, plus a GPS device mounted to a 6-and-a-half-foot tower on the back and a fisheye lens camera on the handlebars, pointed straight up, creating a record of tree canopy and other cover. Readings were logged to an onboard hard drive.

Though this guy is never going to make it in the bike industry, because he thinks he can make weather bikes simpler and cheaper:

Now that he understands the bike’s maneuverability, Rajkovich is looking to take weather cycles to Cleveland’s neighborhoods. The original tricked-out weather station bike cost $16,000 to build. Rajkovich thinks he could equip simpler bikes, perhaps with just temperature and humidity gauges, for around $150.

Ridiculous.  In fact Specialized is already working on a weather line, and they're confident they can sell their S-Works Thor ThunderClap Roubaix SL with integrated Doppler radar for at least $25,000.

Lastly, the dream of the '90s is apparently alive in Brooklyn, because here comes something called the Brooklyn Bike Rave:


Bedazzle your bikes, put on your craziest outfit, blast some party tunes and be ready for sensory overload at the Brooklyn Bike Rave, a glowtastic night ride along the Brooklyn Waterfront Greenway.

The Brooklyn Bike Rave departs Greenpoint at dusk and takes participants on a 7.5 mile ride along the Brooklyn Waterfront Greenway, stops under the iconic Archway under the Manhattan Bridge in DUMBO for entertainment, music, refreshments and lighting design by Ionic Design Group, continues through Brooklyn Bridge Park and finishes in Red Hook. The group rides en masse and ride marshals will set a family-friendly pace (in other words, slow). This is not a race.

Not a race!?!

Well forget it then!

I'm not wasting any miles on my $200 chain for that.

75 comments:

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podiodium!!!

Ted K. said...

129. Another reason why technology is such a powerful social force is that, within the context of a given society, technological progress marches in only one direction; it can never be reversed. Once a technical innovation has been introduced, people usually become dependent on it, so that they can never again do without it, unless it is replaced by some still more advanced innovation. Not only do people become dependent as individuals on a new item of technology, but, even more, the system as a whole becomes dependent on it. (Imagine what would happen to the system today if computers, for example, were eliminated.) Thus the system can move in only one direction, toward greater technologization. Technology repeatedly forces freedom to take a step back, but technology can never take a step back—short of the overthrow of the whole technological system.

N/A said...

I'm busy lubing my chain.

21st Century Cave Art said...

Go home Ted. You're drunk.

NourskSiklist said...

One of the top ten! Must be my new chain, lovingly fashioned and tuned by rolling over the burnished titanium thighs of virgin robot assembly units.

Domo arigato Mister Robotto

N/A said...

Holy shit, this paragraph just gets more ridiculous as it goes:

Once you are ready to clean the chain ... for many more hundreds of miles of ultimate speed.

I bet 99.99999% of people that buy this crap couldn't tell the difference between this bullshit and a walmart chain with some motor oil on it.
Also, "hundreds of miles"? What a deal! So, if you're anything more than a casual/recreational rider, that means you're buying a new chain/lube treatment every month at $400? I guess if you have the money to wipe your ass with...

It won't be as fast as when it was first treated ... (we also apply a powder externally) but you can still achieve significant savings. Don’t worry it will still be one of the fastest chains on the planet!"

You need to apply some powder externally to help with the ass-chapping they're giving you.

Anonymous said...

Topus 10 !!

And... SJ Bike Party this weekend. Bike Partaaaaay!!
The Pajama Ride – March 18th, 2016

NHcycler said...

I hope that fredly muc-off treatment works on my commuter's titanium chain. Imagine the Cat 6 victories I could pocket with that!

Anonymous said...

je suis dans le premier dix.

Anonymous said...

Can I treat my scranus? Faster fore / aft movement will make me faster.

janinedm said...

That first Cipo picture is your best/worst work. Also, perhaps I'm insufficiently Fredly, but I do not understand how a chain can make you faster. I mean, I know that a stretched, crappy chain can slow you down, but I don't see how it makes you faster. Like, the chain hooks into the crank on one side and the cassette on the other side and the speed comes from making the crank go around, right? Is it in the shifting of gears?

JuanOffhue said...

Beware the Ides of March!

Masterful Photoshop of Cipo and the milkman, Snob.

ken e. said...

sounds like...

ken e. said...

we'll be hearing from mario's biggest fan.

P. Bateman said...

not sure how you made 19 children with that nanotubesteak

Roille Figners said...

My chain was impregnated by Cipo's nanotubes and now he won't even pay child support!

Dinkley McDouche said...

Even the worst SUV probably costs ~$2 a mile in total costs (gas/insurance/depreciation/etc) and goes >80 mph (before it rolls and bursts in to flames). While some of these Fred Sleds seem to cost $10 a mile (cost/idiotic accessories/clown show clothes/club memberships/custom lube jobs/upscale alcohol) and maybe go 46 mph. No wonder a lot of people say they don't ride bikes because they are too expensive.

bad boy of the north said...

the photo of cipo getting "milked" reminds me of the scene in "kingpin" where roy "milks" the "cow".

Ted SuxDik said...

(Imagine what would happen to the system today if computers, for example, were eliminated)

Well one thing which is easy to imagine is that we wouldn't see your idiotic redundant COMPUTER posts.....

Anonymous said...

Muc-off, eh? I guess Cum-off was just too obvious.

Grump said...

Snobby, there will always be people who will spend insane amounts of money to save 2-4 watts. Back in the day, I knew a "real" person who would remove the grease from his bottom bracket's "loose balls", and replace it with oil, for important races.
Snobby, you probably remember the problems that people had, back then, with "loose balls". They were the bane of all cyclists......I wonder if Jan Frodeno is having that problem???



P. Bateman said...

I would think you'd get way more cold pressed CIPO oil by squeezing his skin and hair because I'll assure you he has scant reserves left in his testiculars.

leroy said...

A potent insult in canine cycling circles is "You have to lube your chain with bacon grease to convince your dog to ride with you."

Don't ask me how I know.

McFly said...

Good thing you weren't running a Muc-Off chain when your fender got butt raped. You would have been going so fast you coulda broken a clavicle.

*note Mr. Rajkovich has his fenders set for ample insertion.....don't wanna endo that beast

Isambard Kingdom Brunel said...

"Like, the chain hooks into the crank on one side and the cassette on the other side and the speed comes from making the crank go around, right?"

Yes, exactly.

But Freds who are sufficiently Fredly cannot cope with the fact their speed is limited by their ability to make the crank go around. They think, being uber Freds, they are producing an amazing amount of power at the pedals, and the reason they are not going faster is their low dollar equipment is stealing their power before it can make it to the rear wheel. If the only spend $200+ on the Fredlyest of chains and custom applied lucubrates, their full power will reach the rear wheel and will propel them to the front and glorious victory.

Here is one of many studies showing:

1. Bicycle chain drives are incredibly efficient; there is almost no power loss.
2. lubrication does not improve the already high efficiency; chains with out lubrication run just as efficient as with any type of lubrication available.

(The purpose of oiling/greasing your chain is to keep dirt and grit from getting in between the moving parts and causing the chain to wear out faster.)

Bryan said...

I'm back after taking yesterday off to go for a long bike ride with a certain Jensie fellow. That guy with the 2skin should have doubled his efforts and had some foreskin. The weather bike is interesting, though when has science ever dictated good policy? Maybe that's just us yokels in the south. It will be years before his data is useful for analyzing climate change, but could produce some interesting meteorological data. Urban Heat Island is pretty cut and dry....asphalt gets hotter than greenspace.

Schisthead said...

Pssh.

That's not a cargo bike.

Freddy Murcks said...

While you are right about not wasting your special chain on the Brooklyn Bike Rave, I am sure that sure that Cipo will be there to drive some lube deep into a number of the attendees.

le Correcteur said...

Someone really needs to make a high end chain lube called "Snake Oil." Primal wear could make the official jersey.

And I just figured out that the Ted poster really is Ted!

rapha_means_money said...

Typical engineer: Bike weather dude builds an awesome measuring contraption and is measuring micro climates where no one is interested in micro climates. Where people are interested in micro climate measurements, there are no roads.

I've got one word for all the doubters regarding the unbelievable chain service, Ralpha. Or is is Rappa? Something like that.

Isadora Duncan said...

Just noticed the CAMPAGNOLO GRAN FONDO NEW YORK is on May 15, 2016, the day after the NEW TOWN RADIO BROOKLYN BIKE RAVE.

Presumably the BSNYC Fondon't will also be May 15. Maybe there should be a BSNYC Bronx Bike Snore the evening before the Fondon't. Bunch of people in drab clothes on practical bike rolling around dark street, not looking at each other, not talking, not laughing...

dancesonpedals said...

One man took a City's Temperature

How did he get that bike up anybody's ass?

crosspalms said...

That chain stuff will only take you so far. My new Stealth Technology Super-Aero bar tape will knock extra minutes off your time, for just $200 a roll. Be sure to change tape monthly so you don't go slow.

And I'm pretty sure that company name is pronounced pejorative.

Nice visit to Ye Olde Photo Shoppe today. Thanks!

Hee Haw the Barista said...

WDEE 4DEE

Fake Ted fux and sux Real Ted said...

Now held on the most secure unit at ADX in Colorado, the toughest prison in the country, he is on lockdown 23 hours a day with access only to a television, which he refuses to watch. He has never used the Internet and knows only what he reads about in books, newspapers and letters.

McFly said...

If Nicholas took any of his climate data readings within a 50' radius of a Cleveland Steamer it will skew the results significantly.

P. Bateman said...

I heard Babble was riding around on one of those climate bikes but the results were tossed because they all said HOT HOT HOT.

Snob's results were dumped because his cold heart also skewed the data.

TEDK simply refused to ride.

I was a robot. But I got better. said...

I presume that if you send muc-off a KMC chain, they'll just send it right back, postage due?

Matt said...

Ahhh...technology just keeps making our bikes better and better! Very soon now they'll have those little (and expensive, and fail often) Schrader-valve pressure sensors they use in cars downsized to fit in our bike wheels! Just imagine...CONSTANT pressure-updates from your tires (transmitted wirelessly to be display on your 7" tablet mounted to the handlebars).

Tho you'll obviously have to have your wheels balanced using a few ounces of lead weight to offset the pressure sensor/valve. And then of course you'll need to carry a 3 lb water-bottle battery (in lieu of actual water which you would likely need) to power your tablet for longer rides, but hey...that's a SMALL PRICE to pay for that kind of info! It's hard to fathom just how safe we'll be knowing our tire pressure at all times!

Maybe we can even get all this info displayed on a HUD (Heads Up Display) onto our special Google glasses so we don't even have to look down at the tablet! Oooh...I've got goosebumps!

Fred Clydesdale said...

dude, WHERE is the 4skin joke? ever since your 18th child arrived you've been off your game.

Dooth said...

Chain chain chain
Chain of fools

Matt said...

Cipo (not Chipotle! Damn autocorrect!) is setting a good example by wearing a helmet.

Fred Fruitloops said...

How's the finger, Snobby?

Anonymous said...

You're drunk.

1904 Cadardi said...

Wouldn't it be cheaper to just buy Cipo a couple bottles of cheap Chianti and have him "lube" your chain directly?

McFly said...

C'mon Matt #1 this is a family friendly blog. None of this talk about mounting your 7 inch tablet to the handlebars.

balls™ said...

Mr. Snob,

I was wondering, have you ever met Cipo in person? I hope he'd find all of this pretty funny. A follow up question if the answer is yes: Are you currently pregnant?

Off to lube my own chain...

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, have you seen these tandem nutjobs?
http://www.pinkbike.com/news/hold-on-and-close-your-eyes-video-2016.html
You should get one. I am sure your seventeen children would love to see you flailing around on something like this.

Very Slim Pickins said...

Muc-Off = Cipo Jizz. I don't think so, it's probably nothing but melted K-Y Jelly. In my competitive running days I used to use it to prevent chaffing, worked great. I'm guessing that the only thing that would work better would be the Real McCoy, but I've never seen a tube of that for sale. In the B & W photo of Cipo, it looks like he's holding an invisible set of cow teats, big ones at that. Which reminds me of a scene in Fellini's Amarcord where the young Fellini's first sexual experience is an encounter with a really large set of breasts, with big nipples, she keeps telling him to suck, not blow.

Starting to worry about Ms. Babble.

POOP STAR said...

PFFFT!


Microship - Home of the BEHEMOTH project

The Invisible Man said...

Forget about chain-cum, or chain vaginal secretions, and rolls of bar tape. Only my new Stealth Tech bike frame will make you so fast that you can't even be seen. Kickstarter, Craig's List or Nigerian Spam campaign coming soon.

Comment deleted said...

I'm a seriously all a-gnee over the idea of a weather bike. But then again, I'm a gigantic nerd.

dancesonpedals said...

I didn't like microship. They had the same annoying popups as all the other sites I visit.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

I need a shower after reading about Cipo Jizz lube and scranus creme. What's the matter, can't get Bag Balm anymore?

NourskSiklist said...

That is the most accurate breakdown of the whole multi billion Fred merchandise circus, I've ever seen. Thank you.

Seesred said...

Even Park Tool hasn't thought of NanoTube Chain Optimisation Fluid!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Ch-ch-ch-chain jizz™©® as endorsed by David Bowie

Jordy said...

Peak Fred is so 2015. All hail peak Frodeno

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

I coulda been on the podium, but United Airlines, aka Greyhound of the Skies, felt that Snob's website was too video intensive and blocked me from reading or posting here even though I bought their premium in-flight wifi.

Anyway, I've always heard that Kleenex make for optimal cleanup of messes from nanotubes.

As for a Cleveland Steamer microclimate, I'm just happy that's not something I need to to get that off my chest!

Dave said...

The makers of the NanoTube Chain Optimisation Fluid are keeping this under wraps until they can use the technology to pretty much take over the world, but I, as a quantum physicist from way back, immediately deduced that the chain in fact is faster than your ordinary, Newtonian-space chain, because each tiny nanotubule acts as a quantum wormhole, boring through a few hundred adjacent probabilities to emerge back into this here slice of simulated reality just a bit quicker than if it had to plod along at one link per inch. And when I say 'tiny', that's just shorthand for the technical quantum term for this scale of microtude, which is actually "toontsley-woontsley". The use of this technique on bike chains is just a test project, with the ancillary research benefit of plumbing the near-infinite depths of human stupidity. Remember Biopace? Same-same alla biopace go faster. Now let us all repeat the soothing Word: Quantummmm. Quantummmm... Attendants will now be filtering through the ranks of worshippers to empty their pockets of distracting valuta. Do not be alarmed. Remember the holy words of the Prophet Ted: Technology can never go backwards. And due to the arrow of time, your payment for the nano fluid is eternally nonrefundable.

Dave said...

Oh - just one little quantum-type glitch - don't spew on too much nanogoo, or you might encounter time distortion from the speed gain and get to the finish line five minutes before you started. Awkward to explain to the race officials.

ken e. said...

bad news dave,
mr. science, on the radio (get me and my fifties style media) last night said the multiple universe theory was "highly unlikely". the rest of your theory however is gold, so get out the chalkboard eraser and revise that line!

NANO SPGE
TIME TRVL

MINR GLCH
CALL MRTI

Anonymous said...

Soooooooooooo if I use the NanoLube during Epic Sexytimes I would release 5 min before we even started?

I'm cool with getting the first one out of the way.

BamaPhred said...

Epic post for a blogger with at least one non functioning digit. It wasn't the middle finger, apparently.

Twisted said...

yes, this post was right in the commentariats wheelhouse. Sir, can we have some more?

CommieCanuck said...

Meh, not techie enough for 'murica. My next $300 chain will have to have nanotechnology by Peter North, bluetooth, WiFi and at least 4K, plus anti-oxidants from some berry I can't pronounce and tastes like shit. Plus graphene and whatever makes KY jelly so awesome. And it has to communicate with my Apple watch with an app or what's the point of life. And VR.

SUPR SPGE

babble on said...

Ha!! I spent Saturday night with an old friend of mine named Peter North, fer real.

1/2 x1/8 said...

I think to sell more of that Nano-Chain the company needs a better pitch.

Anonymous said...

A night with Peter North, did he go South?

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