For The "Artisanal" Version Of Today's Post, Simply Print Out On High-Quality Paper

So here's a fun one for a Monday morning.

Some guy ran over his wife while backing out of his own driveway--you know, like you do:

"Accident?"

Check.

No charges?

Check:

The Post adds that the husband allegedly lost control of the vehicle accidentally. Cops say no charges have been filed, and the investigation is ongoing.

But then check this comment out:

Victim's Cousin
I'm her relative and I will be attending her funeral today. The article doesn't state some things like that the couple had a big fight before the accident. She didn't eat food for 3 days due to the fight.Only water. The day before the accident she was trying to apologize to the husband about the dispute but the husband continued the fight even more. In the day of the accident Nupur didn't talk to her husband.The husband said I'm going out. The husband was new to driving so needed help. Nupur lived in the first floor of the building. On the second floor her uncle and aunt and cousins lived there. Nupur assisted his husband out of the driveway. She told him to go in reverse and instead he went in Accelerate. Thus crashing with Nupur. The relatives who lived on the second floor heard the crash. The uncle rushed down, and he saw Nupur.She was covered in blood. Her rib cage was broken. And her bones were visible.Now keep in mind Nupur's husband was a doctor. The uncle jumped into the driveway but it was too late. Nupur's last words were "Uncle save me". In my opinion the husband planned this on purpose, he never cared for his children and always abused Nupur. Nupur's husband probably planned this out in an attempt to get revenge. I am Nupur's cousin. The husband and his family despised Nupur. Nupur's husband has no other place to go so he cries so we won't kick him out of our house.What really bothers me is what's going to happen to the children because the husband never cared for them neither did his family. In fact the whole reason they were fighting was because the husband and his family abused the children when Nupur was away. A 5 year old and a 5 month old abused by them.In my opinion the husband and his family should be put to jail.

Someone fucking around on the Internet?  Possibly?  The truth?  Just as possibly.  I wonder if the police will simply dismiss it as the former.  Sure, it's just a blog comment, but if "Victim's Cousin" were accusing the driver of being a terrorist instead of just a run-of-the-mill car murderer then you can bet Bratton himself would land a helicopter on the roof of that house faster than you can say "ISIS splines suck."

Meanwhile, here's an invention on the cutting edge of dumb--not to mention your fingers:



I think we all know what to expect from a fixed-gear braking system invented by Milanese architects, because the following equation is always true:

Architects  + Fixed Gear = Total Wankery

And when those Architects are Italian the whole thing is squared.

Nevertheless, I caught myself feeling hopeful in the beginning of the video when I saw this scene in which they walk into a warehouse:

"Maybe they're putting themselves and their incredibly dated bicycles into deep storage," I mused, but sadly this was not the case.

My next thought was: "Aren't these guys a little old to be playing with fixies?"

But then I realized that way back when fixies were cool these guys were probably still in their 20s, and evidently nobody notified them that we're all shifting and coasting now.

Anyway, what they've gone ahead and done is invent a "Novelty braking system."  Yes, "Novelty" and "braking" are two concepts that go great together.  You know, just like "recreational" and "firefighter," or "absentee" and "parent."  And this particular "novelty braking system" is called "Wire Brake:"

As you can see, it's about as ergonomic as strangling someone with piano wire:

And the main advantage they tout is that you can stop the bike no matter where your hands are on the bars, which means you can even use the distressingly Hitchcockian "crushing the windpipe" technique:

It also facilitates smartphone use, so when "Alberto" calls and asks "Is she dead?" then you can easily take the call and answer in the affirmative:

Also, let's not forget that, mechanically speaking, Wire Brake is clearly "the easier:"

Putting aside of course the fact that once your brake lever is mounted to your bars you will never, ever have to think about it or its inner workings ever again.

It's even lighter, which who gives a shit:

Not to mention "unbreakeble:"

Which is important because a brake lever has never broken like that in the entire history of human cycling.

And yes, it works on all different kinds of bars:

Though what happens if you're palping the flat bars like so many fixie riders did in days of yore?

As stupid as bikes were back then, at least the riders had some ingenuity when it came to maintaining their minimalist cockpits.  They didn't sit around contributing to dumb Kickstarters.  Instead they rigged contraptions like this:

"It was the golden age of idiotic braking," he sighed wistfully.

Indeed, it was so golden this has already been done:

It's like when you look at those Leonardo Da Vinci drawings and realize he had already invented the helicopter, the elevator, and the vacuum cleaner.

Nevertheless, the design phase was clearly laborious, though the hardest part was probably figuring out how to spell "brake:"

And the upshot of all of this is that they want $20K for a v-brake noodle:

Good luck with that, especially since you just showed us all how to make it ourselves.

I'm sure it works great, since everybody knows the last thing you want from a brake lever is rigidity.

Speaking of old stuff being new again, Uber has resurrected the old Urban Fetch/Kosmo.com business model:

And not everybody's buying into the notion that the "sharing economy" is the future of American prosperity:

Just as cabbies weren’t pleased to have Uber’s drivers cutting in on their taxiing turf, longtime bike messengers aren’t impressed with what Uber Rush will mean for their business. Joseph Buchanan (lovingly known as “Nerf”) has been a bike messenger in Portland and San Francisco for 10 years now and works for a legal company that provides him with benefits. Although Uber Rush’s site says it's looking for experienced bike messengers, Nerf says he doesn’t think any of San Francisco’s messengers will apply to join Uber Rush’s team.

“We've all been talking about how little the pay seems and how no one wants to be ‘independent contractor’ status,” Nerf says of working for Uber Rush. “For companies like Uber Rush and Postmates, it's a lot of kids that haven't been trained by any experienced messengers and don't realize they're not getting a living wage or tax problems they might have down the line. There's also the fact that Uber Rush doesn't provide worker’s comp, which is extremely important, especially to rookies. Then when you get to how little they're charging, it hurts the industry and sets us back. We can't compete.”

Okay, these are legitimate concerns, but have they watched Uber's slickly-produced propaganda video?



Holy shit, Lou Reed is alive and hawking burritos!

Come on, who you gonna believe?  A longtime bike messenger, or Undead Lou Reed?

"New York has always been known as a delivery town.  You wanna be able to say to your customer, 'Yeah, we'll bring it to you if you can't come in.'"

Wait a minute.  You mean I can have food delivered directly to me at my home or office?  Without actually going to the restaurant?  THAT'S FUCKING AMAZING!!!

Unfortunately, delivering every single thing means that Uber's bicycle delivery people will have to walk most of the time since Uber's delivery trucks will constantly be in the bike lane:

And I can't wait to live in a dystopian future when I can't ride for more than three feet without getting cut off by a Prius driver handing someone a black bag full of artisanal lunch:

Lastly, please spare a moment for the unfortunate brownstone owner who must suffer the indignity of finding a bicycle locked to his or her wrought-iron fence:

Random Bike Parking

I own and live in a Brooklyn townhouse. Someone has been locking his or her bike to my wrought-iron fence in front of my house. I have left a note asking that it be moved, but the person keeps leaving it there. What are my options?

Fort Greene, Brooklyn

The Times actually had some pretty sensible advice, but I would have addressed the question differently:

Dear Racked in Brooklyn,

Be thankful this is your biggest problem.  In fact you should probably encourage bike parking on your fence, since the comings and goings of the riders will discourage people from shitting on your stoop, thus putting the "brown" in brownstone.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

I can assure you this is an actual issue.

Don't ask me how I know.