If drivers can't stop having accidents, then maybe they should wear diapers.

Transportation Alternatives has been running a campaign to get everybody to stop calling car crashes "accidents," and awhile back they asked me to write something on the subject for their magazine "Reclaim."

So I did, and you can read it here:

Come for the poignant humor, stay for the beguilingly amateurish computer collage art:

By the way, when Transportation Alternatives asked me to provide my unique brand of shitty illustrations along with the article, I think they were under the naive impression that I make my images look that way intentionally.  They soon found out this is not the case, and that I am indeed just a garden variety idiot. Therefore, due to my incompetence, they were forced to redo at least two of the illustrations themselves in order to achieve sufficient resolution.  (It's also being printed on "paper," whatever that is, and what I sent them wouldn't work.)

I feel bad for the designer who had to lower him- or herself thusly.

Speaking of technology, if you were going to create an app that melds AirBNB with Uber to create a bike share system, what would you call it?

Why, AirDonkey, of course!



"The idea is, if you have a bike you're not using, share it," explain the creators, and by means of this simple kit you can pimp out that rusty piece-of-crap bike gathering dust in your shed:

Then, once you've cleared your termite-ridden shed of bikes, presumably you can also just put that on AirBNB:

By golly, this sharing economy's gonna turn us all into zillionaires!

As for the bike, just wheel it into town, sit back, and watch the money roll in:

This doesn't strike me as too bad of an idea, and if nothing else at least Jesus would approve:

("You like this ass?  I got it on AirDonkey.")

That sure is one WASPy-looking Jesus.

Anyway, I'm glad Transportation Alternatives is out there working for us because I've pretty much given up on this town.  I mean, I'm not leaving or anything, but I have transcended "Fuck it, I'm leasing a Hyundai" and have now attained the more profoundly apathetic "Fuck it" level.  Then again, it could be worse and I could live in Australia--though some readers have informed me that the state of South Australia is now both sidewalk cycling and requiring motorists to give cyclists at least one meter while passing:

Of course they're only doing so begrudgingly, because we are talking about Australia after all:

"It's impractical to think that safely, we're going to have cyclists moving down the footpaths while people are holding hot coffees and shopping bags," Mr Clyne said.

Hot coffee and shopping bags?!?  Oh, come on, it's worth it for the slapstick alone!

Impractical?

Maybe.

Impractically hilarious?

Definitely!

Even so, they're doing their best to stop these draconian cyclist accommodations:

Independent MP John Darley said local councils should have been thoroughly consulted before the changes were made.

He is now preparing to move a so-called disallowance in Parliament that would cancel the changes, at least temporarily until the Government reinstates them.

"I think it's time to sit back and think about this and think through what the ramifications could be," Mr Darley said.

Indeed.  The ramifications could be more people riding bikes, and nobody wants that.

Lastly, this past weekend there was some Internet controversy when irrelevant bike company Colnago put up a sexist post on their Facebook page.  If there are two things I don't give a shit about it's Colnago and Facebook, so I mostly missed the whole kerfuffle, but fortunately Bicycling has gone through the trouble of summarizing it for us:

We’re fans of Colnago bikes. The C60 we bestowed an Editors’ Choice on this year was one of the most singularly enjoyable bikes in a very elite field. The ride quality superseded the “heritage” paint job.

By the way, you should absolutely take the time to peruse Bicycling's aforementioned review of the C60 ($6,200 for the frameset alone), because it's good for a laugh:

I'm going to assume that there are many people who won’t get what this bike is about. The C60 is heavier, more expensive, and harder to find than a lot of very good bikes. And perhaps the nostalgia for Ernesto Colnago, and the romance of a made-in-Italy frame, is all meaningless crap. But damn: When I look at the bikes that have come before the C60 and see how their DNA can be traced directly to this model, and when I ride the C60 and it just feels so perfect, I have a hard time discounting that nostalgia and romance. Here’s the real thing, though: Beyond those intangibles, this bike rides great. Really great. You are not a special enough rider to say that the C60 lets you down in any way. Cycling is physical and logical and runs on numbers and data of course, but it is also passion, and irrational desires, and stupid dumb emotion. And I don’t think there is any bike that satisfies both the physical and passionate needs of a cyclist as much as the C60 does. —Matt Phillips

Yes, it's really not that great a bike, but if you don't like it YOU SIMPLY DON'T GET IT.  See, it's all about "romance" and "passion," both of which are somehow present in an inanimate bicycle made from plastic.  Also, this line confused me:

When I look at the bikes that have come before the C60 and see how their DNA can be traced directly to this model...

You mean because all the model names start with "C" but the numbers get higher as you go?  Talk about passion!  Also, I'm no genealogist, but when you're tracing something don't you go backwards?  Or did the new bike simply leave its actual DNA all over the other bikes in fluid form, like certain other Italians are wont to do?

("I putting da Cipollini DNA on it!  Safety goggles everyone!")

Anyway, here's the text that accompanied the Colnago Facebook post:

"Do you thought about where to ride this weekend? Or take the bike and go. Let us know your route, share your comments below.”

Wow, that English is more broken than...well, than a Colnago:

But they do at least seem to be alluding to riding the model, which is about right from an Italian bike company nobody has given a shit about since Mapei's heyday:

I mean sure, there's a certain kind of Fred that still lusts after Colnagos, but he's stuck in the '90s and he looks like this:

Anyway, Colnago finally apologized:

Colnago deeply regrets the recent posting of an image and accompanying social media post that is offensive to women, and not at all appropriate. Colnago has long-supported women's cycling and continues to provide such support, we do not condone sexism, on or off the bike, and sincerly apologize for posting the image. Our social media policies have been clarifed internally to prevent such posts from happening in the future. We respect all members of the Colnago community, and we appreciate the needed feedback many have provided to us on this matter.

Guess that means they fired the freelancer:

("Oh well, more time for yachting.")

Though sadly this guy is still constipated: