Thursday, October 15, 2015

And the Lord Said, "Let There Be Parking."

Well here's a not-good idea:

All else aside, you really don't want to go touching your pedals on a regular basis.

Granted, I've still got dog crap on the brain (and on the bike as I haven't cleaned it yet), but who knows what you may have stepped in before putting shoe to pedal?

Meanwhile, in other news, you know how people think cyclists have a bloated sense of entitlement?  Well, we've got nothing on the NYPD:
To be clear, there's absolutely nothing unusual about the NYPD parking their private cars perpendicular to the curb in bike lanes, or on the sidewalk, or really wherever the fuck they want.  They do it at pretty much every station house in the city.  Just try walking, riding--or driving for that matter--anywhere near one and you'll see what I mean.  It's like the station house is a magnet and the cars are metal shavings.  The whole area's a giant clusterfuck.

But painting reserved parking numbers right there in the bike lane?  That transcends entitlement and is just a plain old "fuck you."

Given that the NYPD is the seventh largest standing army in the world, you'd think maybe the city could build them some parking garages or do something so they don't park their cars in the middle of our sidewalks and streets.  Then again, the city has paid something like half a billion dollars in NYPD legal settlements since 2009, so I guess there's not much money left.  Either that, or I guess if someone gets hurt because Officer Ronkonkoma parked his Civic in the crosswalk then the city would rather just settle than do anything to keep us safe in the first place.

And here's what happens when another city agency tries to offset some of that settlement money with ticket revenue:

HARLEM — A Sanitation Department worker ticketing NYPD vehicles illegally parked outside Police Service Area 6 — an issue that neighbors have complained about for years — was chased away by an NYPD patrol car, witnesses told DNAinfo New York.

Yep, you better believe Officer Ronkonkoma wasn't having any of that:

But as the worker was in the middle of ticketing the seventh vehicle shortly before 10:15 a.m., a marked police car from PSA 6 drove past the site, made a U-turn, flashed his roof lights and pulled up alongside the ticket agent, witnesses said.

After a short conversation, both vehicles drove off and no more citations were issued, leaving the approximately 13 vehicles parked illegally north of 147th Street unticketed.

So maybe the bike lane parking was just the NYPD's way of pissing on their territory after that shocking act of audacity.

But you know who's even more entitled than law enforcement?  Religious people, of course!  At least the police are ostensibly working for us, whereas the pious are just frittering away their weekends groveling before some imaginary homophobic patriarch in the sky.  Yet the double-parking around churches on Sunday easily rivals any precinct station house, and of course "God" gives them a Divine Parking Placard that also lets them park on the sidewalk, just like the NYPD.

And New York's certainly not alone in this, for via the Tweeter I've learned that a church in Washington, D.C. is now blocking a bike lane because it will infringe their constitutional rights:

The District government is going through the rather municipally boring process of determining where to build a bike lane on the east side of downtown.

And one church has given a charged response to some proposals, saying that a bike lane near its property would infringe upon “its constitutionally protected rights of religious freedom and equal protection of the laws.”

Yep, it's true, it's right there in the First Amendment:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.  Furthermore, no velocipedal conduit shall prohibit the people from parking their Hyundai Sonatas more than twenty (20) paces from a House of Worship.

See, you're not just guaranteed freedom of religion, you're also guaranteed the freedom to drive your lazy ass right up to the front door:

The church, represented by a lawyer, wrote in a letter to DDOT, which WashCycle blog obtained and reported on, that the proposals along Sixth Street are “unsupportable, unrealistic and particularly problematic for traffic and parking.” The church, which says it has more than 800 congregants, notes that the Convention Center is in the area, which already exacerbates traffic and parking issues. Consequently, as many car lanes and parking space as possible are needed on the street.

Of course I realize my reading of this is somewhat tainted by my own view of religion, which is basically that it's fucking stupid.  I also realize that churches, temples, mosques, and what have you often play important roles in their communities by providing services the government doesn't, such as as daycare, disaster relief, and feeding the hungry--not to mention simply bringing neighbors together.  However, some of this becomes moot when you consider that churches are apparently abandoning their communities because it's too difficult to park:

The parking loss would place an unconstitutionally undue burden on people who want to pray, the church argues, noting that other churches already have had to flee to the suburbs because of similarly onerous parking restrictions. The church says that DDOT lets cars park diagonally on the street during busy times, which would be seemingly impossible if a protected bike lane were on the street.

Wow.  What faith.  If there's a God I'd like to think He'd smite your ass for abandoning your flock for such a worldly reason.  What if Jesus had employed similar logic?

("Ah, fuck it, there's no ass parking, I'm going back to Galilee."--The Lord Jesus Christ)

But sure, let's not put a bike lane in front of the church because the streets are safe enough as it is:

“As you know, bicycles have freely and safely traversed the District of Columbia throughout the 90-year history of the United House of Prayer, without any protected bicycle lanes and without infringing in the least on the United House of Prayer’s religious rights,” the letter states. “More importantly, as discussed at various points with DDOT, there is another alternative that would simply entail altering the proposed bike lane’s route by one block, such that the bike tracks would follow 6th Street to N Street for the block or two needed to avoid impacting adversely on any parking adjacent to God’s White House on 6th and M Streets.”

Not only do these churches not pay taxes, but they don't want the taxes everybody else pays making the streets safe for the actual community--and the people who are using the church are paying taxes to some other municipality:

Many of D.C.’s old churches were built at times when their neighborhoods weren’t as busy and parking wasn’t a big issue. On top of that, many longtime churchgoers in D.C. have left for the suburbs and now commute to their old churches by car.

WAIT JUST A MINUTE.  I thought all the churches were moving to the suburbs.  Now they're commuting into the city from the suburbs to go to church?  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

It's almost like religion is rife with hypocrisy.

By the way, lest you accuse me of singling out the Christians, let me assure you I think the other sects are equally full of it.  It's just that parking is less of an issue with the Jews since they walk to temple.  Instead, drivers don't like them because they fan out in the middle of the street on Shabbat:

I'm Gonna Have To Have A Talk With the Orthodox Jews In My Neighborhood

I almost hit three of them with my car as I was traveling six blocks from my house to the supermarket.

The sun had gone down and they were dressed from head to toe in the traditional ortodox black clothing. And, as they ALWAYS do, they walked in the direct MIDDLE of the street.

I turned a corner and barely saw a glimpse of skin under a few hats and above some beards. I stopped short and came within about a foot and a half of whacking them with my bumper.

It's not so bad during the day on Saturdays, because at least you can see them, even if they do slow you down because about 20 of them have to saunter out of your way. 

But after dark, you'd think they'd walk on the sidewalk, wouldn't you? I mean, they often have children with them and they let their kids walk in the middle of the street too.

I'm not the most religious of jews, so if I went to the temple to complain I'm sure it would fall on deaf ears. But I'm really getting annoyed at this. 

Is the walking-in-the-middle-of-the-street thing a trait that's common to all orthodox jews (I'm a very very very reform jew) or is this just happening in my neighborhood?

I don't want anyone to get hurt, so what exactly should I do?

Complain? Or just grin and bear it?

Whiny entitled motorist screed notwithstanding, it's true, they really do this.  I'd like to applaud this behavior because it's a statement about how the streets belong to pedestrians as well as motorists.  Sadly I can't, because that' s not what it is, and I can assure you they're driving around like total assholes the other six days of the week, just like the rest of us.

Maybe they should walk with lit menorahs on their heads.

And if nothing else, it seems fairly clear to me that as Americans we should drop all this religious sectarian nonsense, abandon all pretense, and admit that our one and only true God is the Almighty Motor Vehicle--and that anything standing in its way should be smited with No Criminality Suspected:

Lo Mein and Holy Luau.

Lastly, sometimes mountain bikers are just sad:

You can cram all the essentials into the combination of mesh stash and zipped pockets too. We securely stowed a tiny high-volume pump in the central elasticated loop as well as tyre levers, a multi-tool, spare tube, phone and keys.

That's it?

Why wear a girdle with pockets when you can fit all that in a saddle bag, or else your jersey pockets if only you didn't wear those pocketless hockey shirts.

I pray for them to see the light.


Fuck yeah, bitches! said...


N/A said...

Good morning!

Spokey said...


Fuck Yeah, Bitches said...

Guess I can read now...

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

Scranular Conditions: Crusty

cdinvb said...


JLRB said...

On a scale of one to 10

Spokey said...

LOB is not some imaginary homophobic patriarch in the sky.

David Byrnes Hyundai said...

Too much junk in the trunk. Scranus cream

ken e. said...

warning: this post may contain fanny packs or a suspicious facimile!

Tom Morley said...

Wow top 10

P. Bateman said...

top! damn it. my chain came off. and there was headwind.

why can't headwind be more like regular head?

like, hey wind, lube it up some! when its just sand your blowing at me that is too abrasive and while friction is good that is just more painful than i'd prefer.

Anonymous said...

Girdle fanny packs. Worse than the 1980s "hip packs".

rickrise said...

So the fella complaining about the Hasids was motoring six whole blocks? How much longer did waiting for the Blackhats to clear the streets add to his Epic Drive?

GreySpoke said...

Hockey jerseys have pockets?

David Byrnes Hyundai said...

Ok. I just watched the pedal lock video. Wait here honey while I confront whomever has the cajones to try and steal the bike I just locked with the stupidest lock ever. The dude is riding a girls beach cruiser. I wonder of he stole it to make the video. "As a concerned Parent" you should teach your kid how to lock a friggin bike.
As a side note Hyundais can park anywhere with impunity. Especially if Dave drives.

Make parking for cars more difficult said...

Even though motorists are not riding asses (O.K. so they ARE "riding asses"), they still use the same expression "Ah, fuck it, there's no ass parking" today.
Fortunately the biggest advantage biking has over driving is the parking situation.

No Parking said...

Ass parking. What a concept. "Hey buddy, move your ass so I can pray to my gold calf!"

- Lot's wife

janinedm said...

It took great effort to continue reading the Orthodox Jew gripe, my brain ceased to work when I saw that he drives 6 blocks to the grocery store. Drives. Six blocks. Six New York City blocks. Are they avenue-length blocks?

Yahweh said...

Hey, I'm not homophobic. Some of my favorite employees are gay.

Anonymous said...


Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Vintage Wool !


David Pearce said...

That picture of Jesus is messed up anyway! What kind stupid illustrated religious book did you get THAT out of?

Where's Mary?! It's not supposed to be John the Baptist holding the reins, and Jesus sitting on his ass. What, and Mary, great with child, is walking so far behind she's not even in the picture?!

It's supposed to Jesus walking & holding his own ass, while at the same time Mary rides his ass. Those Yehudis were plenty efficient multi-taskers! And that's a picture I'd like to see!

I prefer this Yiddish phrase anyway, which illustrates the first axiom of physics:

With one ass, you cannot be in two places. At least not at the same space and time.

P. Bateman said...

i was SO excited about the peddal lock video - i thought FOR SURE i'd get hoodwinked by the gal on the bike.

to no avail.

i would have probably been convinced to order a slew of them for my full peloton of bikes had i just been able to see some pussy.

oh well. i guess i'll just put all this cash in the jar instead.

dop said...

I saw quite a few women in Capri wearing yoga pants, but I can't remember ever seeing a woman in yoga class wearing Capri pants.

N/A said...

I was looking through some old Oui magazines and saw vintage wool.

Bryan said...

you'll never get me to abandon worshipping the one true God, Cthulhu!
I have a solution - on weekends, make cities car free except for public transit. Parking problems solved.

Anonymous said...

Praise Jebus!

McFly said...

That sure was some sweet ass Flowery Skirt Porn. I mean that in an artistic sense.

P. Bateman said...

rode this morning. i usually stop at this little marine life nonprofit place that is on the indian river and has a nice manatee viewing area. so, i'm off my bike taking a breather and one of the worker guys walks by and first words out of his mouth were not, hi, or howdy, etc...nope, he went with: "where is your helmut"

i said i dont worry to much about it. never been hit.

about 30 minutes later i'm riding through our little downtown, which is quiet little street and i think a 20mph zone. well, to my surprise some impatient FUCK-O old man decided out of nowhere to cross into the oncoming lane to pass some old lady going slow. of course he's looking over at her to give her the stink eye as he passes in a 20mph zone full of pedestrians, old ladies in crosswalks etc.. and nearly ran me right the fuck over.

the thought of turning around to chase hit fat old ass down definitely went through my mind and the idea of beating him in the face on the streets with my dick was super appealing, but i decided that jail didnt sound as nearly appealing so just let it go.

but, still haven't been hit....

David Pearce said...

We've got to get to the guy who's writing all the Kickstarter music, and murder him before we all turn into happy little zombies, whistling our little glockenspiel ear-worms all the way down the block.

Anonymous said...

Pedal lock... im pretty sure i could cut through that cable with a swiss army knife. And the retractable bits? I give it 2 months before that spring breaks and the cable just flops around, getting tangled in someones spokes. I love kickstarter...

JB said...

elasticated loop

Anonymous said...

Anonymous GreySpoke said...

Hockey jerseys have pockets?

Yes they do. The players put their teeth in them when they are on the ice.

Kraig said...

Jesus would have ridden a fixie.

"Let he who does not put down his foot at every stop sign lay down the first skid."

And they all replied

"Et cum spiritu tuo, trackstand"

JB said...

I worship the golden calves. Don't you? They are about 12 inches above Cipo's pedals.

Anonymous said...

fat bikes and hipsters, your favorite:

JB said...

Pedal lock:

They look slippery as fuck.

My kids unlock/lock their crappy combination cable locks in about 20 seconds.

The kid locks bike to basketball goal pole on the court that he's playing on? Firstly, it's a dangerous to the players to lock it there. Secondly, if you're 10' from your bike, do you need to lock it? My kid rode his bike to soccer practice last night. I told him to dump by the nearest tree, so his teammates wouldn't F with it.

No mention of charging the battery to run the alarm. How does this happen?

Have you ever heard of rotating weight?!!!!

Kickstarter: someone else's high-school-level ideas brought to life!

I made a napkin holder out of plastic (Lucite?) in junior high shop class. I never thought to measure a napkin, so the thing was about 1/3 too big. The teacher called me on it when I turned it in. I went home and found some enormous napkin and told him I built if for that. Saved! For some reason, Kickstarter reminds me of this: half-thought-through crap. My parents still use the napkin holder.

4fuxake said...

Re: religion


Gideon said...

I saw this NYPD graffiti thang yestermorn. It doesn't really bother me. If you've got to clock in to start your shift but you are looking for a spot, then that is a bummer. They could be saving babies or frisking minorities that seem suspicious (read, all of them; including me. Serious question, if one parent is jewish and the other hispanic, then why is the sky blue?) Cops are under appreciated at times, so I'll take the slight inconvenience. But, mostly I don't want to get hassled for being a cyclist. We all have to share the space. However, more than one blog or news outlet mentioning it may cause us to lose friends on the force, if we had any.

HowEVA, this church parking stuff really chaps my bottom. They aren't even an emergency service. If churches are emergency services, then so should bars...?be?. It seems so arrogant - mostly because I live in perpetual sin. I'm so confused with existence.

- Not a Robot

BikeSnobNYC said...


Next time I'm late someplace I'll just spraypaint myself a spot.

They get to park wherever they want when they're on duty and responding to calls. How they get to and from work is their problem. And as I said, the commandeering the sidewalk and street is one thing. Fucking painting it is
something else.

--Wildcat Etc.

JLRB said...

Territorial Parking Pissings

Gideon said...

Wildcat Etc.

I do get it; to a degree. I'm just stuck on the fact that the amount of cops driving to work, and the spots needed, outstrip supply of spots (not empirically confirmed). These guys are working 16+ hour days and accessibility/practicability may be a privilege that we can bestow upon our emergency services.

Plus cops are part of the state apparatus, so I'm not really surprised that they just do what they want.; but that is a separate point - and I don't agree with the chutzpah. However, people that double park on alt. side of street days infuriate me. We allow that to happen because...well because. For private citizens there isn't a peep (as far as I know), and there may be some latent hypocrisy there. BTW, I'm not usually such a champion of cop culture, but this seems to be within the bounds of usual governmental entitlement - and a bit of a non issue. Yes, the bike lane is blocked and that is wrong, but that lane is ours to take anyway - and space is always at a premium in this city.

Maybe I haven't really thought this through, but with much things in this city as we gain more (bike lanes) we have to share them too.

Anonymous said...

They're called bum bags in the UK, because you do NOT want to say fanny pack.

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

As previously stated, my fanny is dry and crusty

JLRB said...

Are bum bags and bum bars related?

some asshole attorney said...

I find the DC church's claims offensive in the extreme. Public streets are dedicated to and belong to the public in perpetuity. The Constitution compels the separation of church and state. The state absolutely may not take a portion of the public domain and use it to advance the interests of a private congregation. Their claims otherwise are spurious.

Charlie said...

This guy had a bad day, though I'm not sure I'd call him a "cyclist".

Anonymous said...

Note to myself

Short trip to N.Y.
Get S.U.V. rental
Sit back, let car kill as many orthodox jews it likes
walk free

Gideon said...


I'm not sure about that post. What are you advocating for?

- Me

Anonymous said...

I guess he is some asshole attorney. The constitution says nothing like "compels the separation of church and state". Attorney

    - Either never read the constitution despite swearing to support it


    - Read it and doesn't comprehend it


    - Read it, understands it, but as a lawyers, feels constitutionally compelled to lie about it

BikeSnobNYC said...


If there's one thing the NYPD is not wanting for it's privilege.

Painting public property and claiming it as a reserved parking space is just an affront, plain and simple.

--Wildcat Etc.

BamaPhred said...

Well, I really have no comment germaine to the discussion of parking usurping bike lanes, as there are no bike lanes here, and the car is actually in a submissive position to the worship of the one true G*D, Alabama Football, The Prophet, Bear Bryant, blessed be his name, and Mosiach, "Little Nicky" Saban. Any religion left I haven't offended? If so I'm disappointed.

JB said...

How about paying cops to take public transportation (make it part of their shift). More safety, more parking. Too reasonable.

JLRB said...

By the way - God's White House? Who the fuck is this lawyer? The church up the street from my office moaned heavily about the awful bike lanes when they painted them on M Street a year or two ago (no complaints about dizziness though). They got over it. How often is church in session, and how busy are the streets at that time? Let them park in the bike lane during Sunday sermons. Or perhaps they should bike to church.

And, the suburban Temple I cyclebike past on my way home is definitely not ortho - giant parking lot and still lining both sides of the street with autos - they didn't complain about the bike lane that was recently painted, but it doesn't take away precious parking.

some asshole attorney said...

Anon 2:47, wow, really? The Founding Fathers used that term repeatedly; there are Federalist Papers dedicated solely to the topic, and the Supreme Court has used the term literally for centuries in First Amendment jurisprudence.

You, sir, are an anarchist.

And I know that I am right on this because captcha made me identify pictures of bicycles before allowing me to post this, there!

N/A said...

Really, I hope all this mess is the impetus that finally gets us all jetpacks.

Anonymous said...

some asshole attorney

No anarchist here, but you seem hell bent on proving yourself an idiot.

You said "Constitution compels the separation of church and state". You did not say Founding Fathers, Federalist Papers, Supreme Court etc. You said Constitution. So please cite that portion of the Constitution or STFU. Oh, and most similar drivel cites Jefferson's letter to that Danbury church. That letter has not been incorporated in to the Constitution as far as I know. If I am incorrect, please cite the amendment that did so.

crosspalms said...

If the great legal minds would pause briefly and say "Race Face Rip Strip bumbags" five times quickly, this whole constitutional issue will be put to rest, and we can all continue with the serious business of designing new ways to spell helmet.

N/A said...

That picture of Jesus Christ is comical, on account of how small that donkey appears to be. Really, I guess we all like a little ass, now and then. I wonder what pressure he's running it at?

Also, an observation: People tend to forget that the police work for the citizens. They are accountable to the citizens. I tend to roll my eyes at the sort of Darby Monger that complains about every little thing, but this instance of paint on the road would cause me to kick up a fuss if I lived/ travelled through that area. I'm not a cop-basher by any stretch of the imagination, and I think that most of them are good people in a difficult job, but somebody in that station would have to answer up to altering the road signage to accommodate their parking.

BamaPhred said...

I seem to understand perfectly, to wit:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
What's the problem?

Unknown said...

I wear a fanny back when I ride so if I get separated from my bike through theft or from waking up in an ambulance I'll have my phone, keys, and ID on me. And I'm not going to spend 40 bucks on a billboard jersey with a pocket in the back when I can buy an Alert Shirt for $9 and be visible from Philadelphia.

SQNYC said...

It saddens the shit out of me to think "Officer Ronkonkoma" will be lost on your overseas (or out of state) readers.
People, it's a brilliant bit of writing. Trust me.

DB said...

I've been trying to figure that out.
How about a little help for the rectangle states' readers?

some asshole attorney said...

Anon, go read a little case called Marbury v. Madison and see if that helps you figure it out. The Constitution also does not say that there is a right to reproductive choice for women. It does not spell out the circumstances under which a police agency may attach a tracking device to your vehicle.

I always find it amusing when right-wing paralegals try to show off their chops.

Dooth said...

If our Founding Farthers could have foreseen the Internet, they too, like Jesus and the ass parking issue, would've said, "fuck it, find your own country."

NYCHighwheeler said...

Sprain Ridge Park WMBA Day!

Sunday, Oct 18, all day!

Food, Beer, Group rides, Fun, Food, Beer!

Come one come all!


Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Officer Ronkonkoma never stepped foot in NYC before his first day in the Police Academy. His mother had to drive him in so he's be on time.

Anonymous said...

Dude you are soooo going to hell.

BamaPhred said...

if your place of bike lane hating worship is led by a guy named Bishop Sweet Daddy, you may want to hide your significant other, your children, your valuables, and your orifices, unless you are into that kind of thing. Not trying to be judgemental, just not being gullible.

Holy Roller said...

There are a great many things I could say to all you sinners but unfortunately took a vow of silence this week and... Oh wait... Blast! Forgive me Father.

MrLobstermash said...

Hey Snob, the cops down under suck too.


Anonymous said...

Cops suck down under scranus

Anonymous said...

Mountain bikers won't use a saddle bag because of "dropper post" impedement. I inquired about this in Moab, UT.

Also a solution for no parking at your church: take your bike on Metro.

Spence said...

Sacrireligous you.

Anonymous said...

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Apotik Denature said...

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Jual Obat Ambeyen Berdarah said...

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