I changed "bike blogger" to "air traffic controller" because it's more relatable that way but otherwise that's pretty much exactly how it all went down.
Of course, when embarking on a High Ate Us the most difficult decision one faces is which bike to bring, and after some deliberation I opted for the versatility of my Milwaukee:
I had a notion that I'd try some of the "gravel road adventure cycling" that's so hot with the millennials nowadays, and at first it worked out very well:
Though I was completely unfamiliar with the area and conditions deteriorated quickly:
So I retreated to more forgiving terrain:
By the way, I also brought some tandem porn back for you:
No, this is not my tandem, I was simply admiring it on the ferry while leaning jauntily against THE CAR THAT THE BANK OWNS UNTIL I FINISH PAYING THEM BACK.
When David Byrne takes a ferry he has to mime driving onto it because he doesn't own a car. Similarly, I have a Byrnian relationship with tandem bicycles. In fact, not only don't I own a tandem, but also I've never even ridden one--but that's only because I want my first time to be with David Byrne. Ideally this would involve our riding cross country together, though I suspect we'd clash over the creative direction of the Kickstarter video.
Speaking of riding cross country, one rider is doing just that--on a Citi Bike:
Tanenhaus, who has already been slapped with the maximum $1,200 late fee by Citi Bike, quit his job as an event planner and checked the bike out from a dock at East 20th Street and Second Avenue on Aug. 6.
One can only imagine the heady sense of freedom Tanenhaus must have felt as he pedaled away and watched all those Bar Mitzvahs disappearing into his helme(n)t mirror, his ears ringing with perfunctorily recited haftarot.
Still, lighting out for the coast does come with its own set of problems, especially when you're doing it on a bike share bike:
The tires are wider than a typical touring bike and, because the wheels are bolted onto the bike with special anti-theft technology, changing flats are beyond his skill level.
Missing "apostrophe + s" after "touring bike" aside (this is the newspaper that usually spells "pedal" as "peddle" after all), is a Citi Bike tire really wider than a typical touring bike tire? I don't think that's true. Then again, as a homebody with 17 children my idea of a bike tour is any ride over three hours, so I'm not exactly an authority on what the beard-and-pannier set is running these days.
As for not being able to fix the flats, he shouldn't feel too bad about himself, especially when you consider that even quick releases are beyond the skill level of most triathletes.
Still, you'd think Citi Bike would be a bit more supportive:
On top of all that, he could face prosecution if Citi Bike presses charges.
He said he tried to let the company know about his plans, but “the conversation didn’t go anywhere.”
Yeah, I'm sure it didn't:
TANENHAUS: So I'm planning to check out one of your bikes and ride it to Los Angeles.
CITI BIKE: You do know the saddles are specially designed to induce permanent genital paralysis after two hours of riding, right? It's a theft prevention measure.
TANENHAUS: I'm really just looking for a discount.
CITI BIKE: Look, they're your nuts, kid. Just don't try to sue us when you pedal into California with Shermer's Neck and Bobbitt's Penis.
Meanwhile, in other hydraulic news, Rotor is betting that when it comes to drivetrains fluid will be the new electronic:
It's refreshing that they admit they're only putting this stuff out because all the good ideas were already taken--though of course I already came up with the idea of a hydraulic drivetrain way back in 2008, so it's pretty obvious they stole this from me:
I don't know if you can call it "intellectual property theft" when the cheap subject matter is the very antithesis of intellectual, but either way they're lucky I'm way too lazy to sue:
As it happens, swapping the air canister with a can of Aqua Net was the hop-up kit of choice for the Airlines system.
Speaking of air, watch out for Hurricane Fred:
Indeed. Here's Hurricane Fred making landfall:Hurricane Fred, let the bike jokes begin. "Hurricane Fred, hold your line." "Hurricane Fred, nice USPS jersey." https://t.co/WsaW3TgEeM— Jason Gay (@jasongay) August 31, 2015
This crash resulted in a fractured skull even though I did have my helmet on, I would have been much worse off without it.
Would you though? Or did the helme(n)t just not do anything?
Regardless, apparently Hurricane Fred is no ordinary storm:
Hurricane Fred, which formed over the weekend in the far eastern Atlantic, is truly one of a kind. Not only has Fred set the record for easternmost hurricane in the tropical Atlantic Ocean, it prompted the very first hurricane warning for the Cape Verde Islands and has provided the first satellite view of a hurricane in the region since weather satellites were launched into space in the early 1960s.
Another first--it's currently the only weather system using Strava's new storm tracker app:
Not only that, but it's also the first hurricane to take part in the time-honored tradition of making Strava penises--to wit:
In any case, I imagine getting caught in Hurricane Fred would be pretty much exactly like this:
And of course Run–D.M.C. would be in the eye of the storm:
Now that's what you call scratching your cockpit.