Thursday, September 3, 2015

A Big Box of Smugness

Yesterday I took delivery of a Great Big Box from WorkCycles:


I'm pretty sure "Zorg Voor Je Fiets" is Dutch for "Zorg For Your Feets."

As for "Zorg," I assume that's a popular brand of anti-fungal powder.

Anyway, in addition to exotic low country footcare products, the box also contained a bike that I am currently in the process of assembling.  (By "assembling" I basically mean putting on the front wheel because the bike was 90% together already.)  I will of course share more details once the bike is up and running, but in the meantime bike nerds will be interested to note that it is equipped with "hydrolic rim breaks," hence the block of wood:


And yes, I am aware the fork is backwards, which makes me only a slightly more competent bike mechanic than a typical Target employee:


Indeed, I have now reached the point in life where my idea of a city bike is one that weighs like 45 lbs and can carry two (2) human children, though this could be enough to convince me to get back on a fixie, because intentionally confusing Google cars while trackstanding sounds like great fun:


The issue is that, during such a trackstand, the rider does usually move slightly forward or backward — at least enough to alert the conscientious Google car that some human might be blasting through the stop sign.

“It apparently detected my presence,” the cyclist writes. “And stayed stationary for several seconds. It finally began to proceed, but as it did, I rolled forward an inch while still standing. The car immediately stopped … I continued to stand, it continued to stay stopped. Then as it began to move again, I had to rock the bike to maintain balance. It stopped abruptly.”

As someone who rejects new things Just Because, I've always been skeptical about self-driving cars, but this really worries me because if the damn things are really that polite then it won't be long before cyclists truly are the biggest assholes on the road.

As it is, the fact that cars can squash us lends us a certain amount of pathos, but if we lose that it will be a PR disaster.

In the meantime, Google should probably tweak the system by adding some presets like you find in those cars that have a button for "sport" mode.  Ideally the driver could select one of three settings:

Polite
(Car does the "courtesy dance" with the fixie rider)

Assertive
(Car honks and proceeds)

No Criminality Suspected

(Car runs rider over and sends a text to local law enforcement with location of body and an HTTP 404 Not Found Error message)

Speaking of fixies, recently the New Yorker took a look at the Kissena Velodrome in Queens:


Designed by Robert Moses, in the nineteen-sixties, the track has been poorly maintained, leaving the racing surface uneven and somewhat dangerous. But, as the neon skinsuit-clad cyclists and race officials explain in this video, competing on the bumpy track has become a badge of honor for the city’s fixed-gear riders.

Here's the video, assuming the embedimentation code works:

I enjoyed the video, though if nothing else it's proof that we don't need any more velodromes:


Because if you can barely fill Kissena then there's no way you need a facility as big as the Kingsbridge Armory in the Bronx or any of the other places people have floated as potential venues:


(Velodrome = Hot Dog In Hallway)

Though "back in the day" there was a velodrome not too far from there:


The rabid fans were out in force to witness a no holes barred cycling competition featuring international star athletes. Competitive cycling first gained popularity in the 1880’s and by the 1920’s the Velodrome was the hottest ticket in town.

"No holes barred," eh?  Sounds like a date with Mario Cipollini:


(Cipollini travels with this bird just so he can set up his favorite pickup line: "Hi, you want to see a cock-or-two?")

Though ultimately the velodrome fell victim to a "friction fire:"

For eight glorious years the Velodrome was the scene of awe and excitement, before a suspicious fire burned the fabled venue to the ground.

They never did figure out who was behind the fire, but I have my own ideas:


Of course, we all know what happened next: Americans lost interest in track racing, and then road racing became more popular, except in America, where nobody gave a shit about that either--even though it involves something Americans love, which is cyclists getting hit by motor vehicles:


Before the stage started and before Paulinho suffered his accident, Tinkoff-Saxo penned an open letter to Unipublic, the Vuelta organisers, and the UCI, cycling's governing body, demanding that measures be taken to increase rider safety in relation to race vehicles. It is an issue that has come to the boil recently with a number of unfortunate incidents, and Tinkoff-Saxo's letter followed a similar one from BMC general manager Jim Ochowicz addressed to the UCI. 

What's especially ironic about this is that there are so many TV motorcycles covering a race that nobody watches.  I mean come on, it's September already, who the hell is still interested in road racing?  This is like sitting in the movie theater and watching the credits so you can see who was the second assistant cinematographer's second assistant.

Then again, I suppose the clusterfucktacular nature of the race does qualify it as an amusing blooper reel, like at the end of "Cannonball Run."

Still, it seems to me they can just strap a GoPro on the bike of every one of these Pro Fred and ban the TV motos once and for all.



Adjusting the rear derailleur on your bicycle is not simple. Every bike requires regular maintenance for a great riding experience. Whether sloppy shifting comes from stretched cables, switching wheels or even a crash, you may not have the time or confidence to make the needed adjustments. The OTTO Tuning System is a vision App and hardware kit that enables you to conveniently check and adjust your bicycle with professional precision.

Not simple, really?  It's certainly no harder than installing an iPhone app.  Indeed, inasmuch as derailleur adjustment is basically a matter of turning a barrel adjuster one way or the other, this strikes me as about as useful as an iPhone app that talks you through the process of combing your hair--and the video does little to dissuade me from this impression:


Though they want to send me a sample, so if they're crazy enough to do it then I'm crazy enough to try it.

Now back to the WorkCycles.  Too bad I don't have the OTTO to talk me through it.  Then again, the WorkCycles doesn't have a derailleur.



93 comments:

Gecko said...

First!

Gecko said...

And second.

Gecko said...

And third. The full monty.

Carlos Caliente said...

Top 4 Woo Hoo!

Gecko said...

Man, everybody was sleeping on the sprint. I even read the whole post already.

This must be what doping feels like.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten.

Marty Downunda said...

In like Flynn

Would have been top 3 but had trouble identifying cabbage

Anonymous said...

Je suis dans le premier dix.

Anonymous said...

Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg

Roille Figners said...

Top. Ten.

samh said...

Your blog needs more sepia-toned bib shorts guy.

Anonymous said...

That "No Criminality Suspected" comment is hilarious!

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

I wipe from back to front.

N/A said...

I put "Zorg Voor Je Fiets" in A POPULAR SEARCH ENGINE's translate service, translated it to Swahili, then to Italian, then to Canadian, then to English (American-flavored) and it come out as "No Holes Barred". Weird.





Wolf.

The Lord Zorg said...

That's ADMIRAL Zorg, earthling!

Anonymous said...

Hopefully, you work out all the vibrations from the rim brakes before riding, or you might make landfall like Hurricane Fred.

NHcycler said...

Gecko:

Give us a break! After WCRM's long high-ate-us, most of us need a lot of warming up before being able to comment with our usual entertaining acumen.

Roille Figners said...

This bike is gonna be a kickass addition to the quiver, I can feel it. I'm jizzingly excited about this one.

Anonymous said...

Cool Bike!

No, actually not.

Anonymous said...

Yesterday's comments today:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gy88-5pc7c8

Anonymous said...

I thought you had 18 human children

crosspalms said...

I'd like a tuning app that would let me adjust the spoke tension so my wheels play "Tubular Bells."

BamaPhred said...

I know not of Zorg, but I have been zorched a few times by my employer. They seem to enjoy it, me not so much.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nice, Always good to receive a big box of bikecycle.

TBONE said...

The world does need more velodromes, preferably of the covered variety!

DB said...

Lord Zorg, 12:22, COD.

DB said...

Congrats on the new bike.
Very exciting.

Anonymous said...

"No holes barred," eh? Sounds like a date with Mario Cipollini:

(Cipollini travels with this bird just so he can set up his favorite pickup line: "Hi, you want to see a cock-or-two?")"

Haven't laughter that hard in ages - wonderful stuff - keep it up (I guess that could be a Cipo line too)

Grump said...

You forget mentioning Madison Square Garden.

Velodromes.....I've got two of them close by. Northbrook, Il, and Kenosha, Wi.

Anonymous said...

This Gecko dude (Gordon?) bogarting the podium - as the Brits would say "Poor Form". Probably really Ted K in disguise.

Anonymous said...

Someone please develop an app that chases flies away.

Roille Figners said...

Workcycles = jizzing because I guess just go ahead and put me in the camp that only cares how much shit you can actually GET DONE on a bike. I don't give a shit how fast I can go (not very fast) or how I looked while doing it (fucking soo hot of course).

Anonymous said...

Catching the highlights of the Vuelta on steephill. Sean Kelly's commentary makes my eyes water.

I got a $190 ticket for running a light last night at 94th and central park west. A couple cops had a trap there for bikers. For those of you who don't know that street, there is a frequently used bike lane and mostly no through streets, there are lights but those are peds and for cars turning onto CPW. So a great place for the cops to catch unsuspecting cyclists. As the cop was writing my ticket we watched like 10 people roll through the light and a several cars speeding by. I asked the cop what the speed limit was on road (which is 25 like every street in NYC), but he didn't know. I said they could write a lot more tickets setting up a speed trap for cars and that they are much more of a danger than a cyclist rolling through at 12mph after slowing down to check for pedestrians. He just shrugged and said "this is what they want me to do" at which point I felt a little bad for him and said I understand. It is insane and unjust that the fine amount is the same for bikes and cars. I plan to fight the ticket, hoping that NYPDs completely inept administration works in my favor. They stopped a delivery guy after me. $190 is crushing to that guy, probably a 2-3 days of tips. so incredibly unfair. De Blasio is a fascist.

Anonymous said...

squirrels would be nice too!

Robot "Select all images with Cabbage" And then they show me pictures of nine salads.

The Maltese Falcon said...

I wonder how big Cipo's perch is?

Captain Highliner said...

I didn't know Cipo was into fishing.

Anonymous said...

"WorkCycles©, another good reason not to have children!"

Holy Roller said...

Jesus fed a great multitude with two small fish, so it's not how big it is, it's all about portion control.

N/A said...

Two fish, but no tartar sauce. And I don't think hush puppies had even been invented yet. Sad state of affairs.



Is Snobs curating a collection of matte black bikecycles?







Wolf.

Gecko said...

Anon 1:21:

U mad bro? I'm a real person (who's Gordon??). Was I supposed to stop and wait for y'all to catch up? I just rode around in circles at the finish line and they gave me a trophy every time I crossed it :)

STW said...

But will the Otto help adjust my front triple? Seriously...I hate adjusting those things.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC -

Do you have a phone number for the Otto Tunes folks? My dog says he has a can't miss marketing program:

"Auto tune your vocals, Otto tune your ride."

He's talking with T-Pain's people re spokesperson availability.

Composer and electronic music pioneer Otto Luening would have approved.

PotbellyJoe said...

I may have giggled at the Cipo joke.

I had an idea what a "Dutch 2-seater" was, but your Twitter feed has proven that I was way off-base.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:28pm,

The police are masters of making you feel sympathetic towards them while they write you a ticket. Must be some mindfuck technique they learn in training. Yet in any other context I've dealt with the police they've just outright treated me like crap. Go figure.

As for the standing in an easy spot and picking off cyclists, not that this will make you feel better, but they do the exact same thing to drivers. (I have seen it and experienced it.) I'm sure they've been doing it that way since the days of horses and Tammany Hall.

STW,

It will not. That might actually be useful.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Otto said...

I'm Otto the Orkin Man

McFly said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZORG

BamaPhred said...

I suppose responding to "I'm just doing my job." with "Yes, and you are sucking at it." is the wrong thing to do in NYC? Doesn't work very well anywhere else I tried it.




D B said...

I would spare road racing quite this much sarcasm. Sure it's funny in a sad sort of way but there's lots of sports that's so much worse: face paint! Battery!!

Besides, as Las Vegas-in-reverse, they have this road in the north of France that looks like an American one, potholes and all. Just like Vegas, it's popular with tourists (in this case, from Belgium mostly) who even hold an annual bicycle race on it. Mike Sinyard decided to build a special bike for them and thanks to that, I now own a bicycle that I can comfortably ride on actual Boston roads! (Sinyard hasn't probably even seen our roads.)

Yup, it smugly says on the frame, 'Winner of Paris-Roubaix 2005, 2006, etc etc etc enough already!!' rather than 'Helping Freds survive American potholes since 2005'

Little Oral Annie said...

Ok, which one of youse is Zorg?

ken e. said...

before criminality, before time even, ...nothing. paraphrasing lemonjelly.

Anonymous said...

that track looks great! those velodrome woosies need to commute 1 day in LA.

Billy said...

Trackstanding in traffic is stupid. Just put your goddamn foot down. Sends an unambiguous signal to everyone around you that you've stopped.

Worse is wobbly slow forward motion into the intersection full of cross traffic. Bonus points for doing it on a bike share bike.

Is the asphalt lava? What are you, ten years old?

Frickus Rungus said...

Just checked out the twitter pic of Wildcat's latest aquisition...
What's the little seat in front for? Is that where you rest your "manhood"?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Frickus Rungus,

It's for getting in an aero tuck on the descents.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Perspiring Minds want to know said...

Cool bike. But where are the lobsters?

Anonymous said...

Gecko at 150. If the snob (aka the Lobster on High) gave you a trophy every time you passed the finish line then all us well. Also by sweeping all three podium spots I think you win a night with Babble (you do have to pay for your own rt airfare to Vancouver though).

Anonymous said...

Was up in LA and on the 405 and the 10 and sat in gridlocked traffic jams that were a mind F. Bike would have been great because you couldn't get hit by a car as none were moving.

Richard Breaks said...

The durr-railer adjustment app makes about as much sense as an app designed to guide you through the process of masturbation. Most people figure it out after they try a few times. Besides, there's porn for that.

Forrest Gump said...

Life is like a box of bicycle, you never know what you're going to get..

Dooth said...

Track standing in traffic is grandstanding.

N/A said...

Out standing in traffic is dangerous.

crosspalms said...

Looks like you've got a flamingo stuck in the front of that bike.

Dooth said...

Do the "powers that be" know how much money can be made on track cycling IF gambling is part of the equation?

leroy said...

A few months ago, I stopped at a light near father and son who were riding to a nearby school. The son -- about 11 years old -- was track standing on his mountain bike. Renewed my faith in the future.

BamaPhred said...

"Bake Feets" parking lot criterion/cyclocross. Now there is a niche racing event.

Freddy Murcks said...

I watched a few minutes of that velodrome video. Jesus fucking tits. That was awful and incredibly boring. They say that suicide is painless, but that was most certainly not.

Jeb said...

Sheeeit! I gone done spilt my Jack D. an' Mountain Dew all over th' darn keyboard!

Jeb said...

Blaah! Sheeeit! I sure do hate having to lick that there keyboard!

Zen Master said...

Fucking, fucking fuck! I fucking HATE childproof fucking lids on meds. Fuck it! I'm so fucking angry! What the FUCK is that fucking gardening guy on the radio talking about!? Who cares about how to trim a fucking hedge? Who the fuck even HAS a hedge! I'm so fucking angry! FUCK!

Tuxie said...

Hey Billy, what is your fucking problem? You don't ride do you? Yes the asphalt is lava, ride and maybe you will understand. Dumb fuck

Nom de Plume said...

Sounds like the track riding crowd need some of these to smooth things out: https://www.compasscycle.com/shop/650b/compass-650bx42-babyshoe-pass/

Mike_Zinyard said...

Work cycle sounds an awful lot like Venge and Roubaix.

Unleash the lawyers!

Craig Richards said...

If hackers can take control of a jeep, then they can definitely get control of a cyclist's derailleur.

McFly said...

The 250 Pro Motocross championship came down to the last round with 2 points separating the top 2 contenders. Mysteriously enough Marvin Musquin's KTM just quit running in the 1st moto and all but handed the title to Jeremy Martin. I was wondering about fly-by-wire and could the Yamaha team have jammed his electronics? The bike was perfect all 23 moto's otherwise. (It's a 12 round series with 2 moto's each race)

Amateurs borrow said...

Wake up from the nightmare and enjoy blissful existence

32 front/40 rear was the standard for British bikes, 36 front and rear for other countries. The exception was super-fancy special-purpose racing wheels, which might have 32 spokes front and rear.

The Great Spoke Scam: In the early '80s a clever marketeer hit upon the idea of using only 32 spokes in wheels for production bikes. Because of the association of 32-spoke wheels with exotic, high-performance bikes, the manufacturers were able to cut corners and save money while presenting it as an "upgrade!" The resulting wheels were noticeably weaker than comparable 36-spoke wheels, but held up well enough for most customers.

Anonymous said...

That would be as useless as trucknutz on a bike

P. Bateman said...

a little late to the par-tay, but did just watch the veledrome video.

what i didn't enjoy was most of it.

what i did enjoy is that these folks are really "suffering" due to that bumpy pavement and i applaud them for being real survivors. never give up.

i also enjoyed the part when they said i can go as long, and as hard, as i want.

lord knows i like to really go very long, and very hard.

babble on said...

Me, too. :)

Anonymous said...

Hey, they don't call me a Minute-Man for nothing

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

OK I'm going back to sleep.

vsk

JLRB said...

I would have posted earlier but I can't stop agonizing over tire pressure - is a pump gauge really enough? Shouldn't I get a digitized pressure gauge to be sure? Is consistency enough? What infinite a friends gauge and it shows a different pressure? Is death certain?

JLRB said...

Infinite

If I use

babble on said...

Death gets all of us sooner or later, but it claimed one cyclist here yesterday. Anotherm an was dragged under a semi for a few blocks after it gave him the old right hook.
keeping death on his toes one momenta t a time...

Billy said...

Tuxie,

I ride every day, and I put my fucking foot down when I stop so that all the people around know that I'm stopped instead of stunting like a fucking jackass in the middle of an intersection.

My fucking problem is people like you acting like trackstanding is some great trick *in traffic* when really you just make all the cagers nervous and agitated, when I'm just trying to get to work. Put your goddamn foot down or take the fucking bus. Save the tricks for the skate park or velo-drome.

DEATH said...

I CHOOSE NEITHER THE TIME NOR PLACE. I COME WHEN CALLED.

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