Thursday, September 10, 2015

If It Handles Like It's On Rails, That's Only Because It Is.

Hey, look, it's a bunch of bros bro-ing out in a no-bros-barred bro-down!


Yes, it looks like the new MASH movie will have everything that gets duders excited.  There's flat-brim caps:


Frantic spinning:


Tats-n'-flannels:


Beards:


Obligatory Dirt Segments (ODS):


Whip-skidzzz:


Jorts:




Gratuitous car-touching:




Rainbow farts:


Face tats:


And of course some good old-fashioned skitching:


All of which is enough to make anybody with any sense conclude, "Fuck it, I'm leasing a Hyundai."

I can't wait until the part where they slay a bunch of dirt trails on their fixies and then make really expensive coffee over a campfire.

Here's the cast, in case you were wondering:

Featuring: Dylan Buffington, Chas Christiansen, Walton Brush, Kyle Murphy, Evan Murphy, Rainier Schaefer, Matt Shapiro, Eddy Bach, Sean Geivett, and more.

Come on, those names have to be made up.  Is this a bike crew or the founding members of the Yale Glee Club?  Chas?  Walton?  Dylan Buffington?  Of the Newport, RI Buffingtons?!?  I'm pretty sure I went to Choate with his brother*.

*[Disclaimer: I did not go to Choate, hence my inchoate intellect.]

Of course, if all of this bro-tacular mishigas is too stressful for you, you can always opt for the more rustic and genteel world of rail biking:


The mechanical contraption is called a rail bike — metal vehicles, powered much like bicycles, that travel a six-mile stretch of abandoned track.

Personally I'm more of a handcar fellow myself:


But if you want to ride a recumbent on rails then by all means go right ahead.

I was surprised however to learn that rail biking was "invented about 200 years ago:"

Rail biking is not a new concept, at least not in other countries. Invented about 200 years ago, the bikes are used now for recreation in several European countries and in South Korea, where riders can explore defunct mining towns.

A claim that strikes me as spurious inasmuch the pennyfarthing was only invented in like 1870.

Though I guess the draisine is about 200 years old, so presumably primitive proto-Freds wasted no time in saying, "Fuck it, let's ride this thing on the train tracks!"


(Before there was MASH there was Captain Crotch-Crutch.)

And yes, of course there are rail biking "edits:"



Sure, there's no skidding or car-touching, but there is confusion and delay.

Speaking of urban cycling, some smug brainiacs are studying how much pollution we're sucking down while cycling in New York City:



To that end, they're wearing this sweet smog-measuring kit while riding:


I see two possible conclusions emerging from this study:

1) A recommendation that we cease cycling on the roads and instead utilize draisines in the subway tunnels;

or

2) That Strava should adjust its metrics to account for Air Quality Index (AQI):


After all, shouldn't your effort be worth more on a maroon day than a yellow one?

Meanwhile, in other smugness news, I was watching this show called "Difficult People" and in it one of the characters hits David Byrne with that which he does not own:


("Do I look like I'm laughing?")

Speaking of cameos (sort of), we can’t resist sharing this slight spoiler: the highlight of the first episodes comes when Billy, learning to drive, hits a cyclist on East 6th Street (right where a similar accident occurred in The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby) and the biker turns out to be David Byrne. He’s played by a stand-in rather than by the actual Talking Heads frontman and color guard fanatic. That’s probably because of lines like “Yes, David Byrne is fine, alive and well and ready to make music that reminds us he used to be good” and “I think he’s okay. I mean, some of his recent stuff has been pretty pretentious, but he gets a lifetime pass for Stop Making Sense.”

I have to say it was pretty amusing, because if you can't laugh at David Byrne falling victim to a hit-and-run then really, what's left?

(My life's ambition is now to get run over by a subway train whilst rail biking in a comedy show.)

Finally, I was reading All Hail The Black Market recently and was amused to learn that the always litigious Mike Sinyard will be the subject of the next installment of the "Ask A Founder" series:


I guess what I’m saying is Specialized is like the Stone Temple Pilots of the bike world. They are very successful, and make/market a product that is adored by people the world over, yet to my personal aesthetic, is a vague, and sub-par facsimile of something much better.

Should be an entertaining evening.

123 comments:

Ted K. said...

Note 8. (Paragraph 56) Yes, we know that 19th century America had its problems, and serious ones, but for the sake of brevity we have to express ourselves in simplified terms.

P. Bateman said...

podi-dum da dum dumb

Anonymous said...

podiation?

P. Bateman said...

good god. i was thinking about more coffee but after hearing the musical scores of the mash movie and the rails edit video, both of which sound like the opening to Funny Games*, i think i'm good now. hair on end, eyes wide open, and a little afraid.

p.s. - there is nothing funny about Funny Games. just a warning in case you are planning to bop down to the video store this weekend to either pick up, or return video tapes.

Anonymous said...

You're not going fast if your flat brimmed hat is still on your head, "bro".

Early Bird said...

Woohoo!

NHcycler said...

Last time I read "inchoate" was last century in a Stephen King novel.

I wonder if the rail biker noticed that those rails were all clean and shiny. Maybe the inchoate locomotive passed right through him as he turned his contraption around.

Anonymous said...

Rapha!

Anonymous said...

Snob, FYI: vaguely remember reading that rail biking did precede the bicycle. I think I read it in "The Bicycle in Wartime" or something of that sort.

gee business said...

As for the orange and camo, bike camping bros with zero rake forks and expensive camping coffee rigs - there's always a Kyle in the group, or at the very least, a Tyler. And Kyle and Tyler are exactly the sort of folks who riddled the Oregon Outback with feces and garbage. If this is the future, I'd much rather stick with garden variety roadie Freds.

DB said...

Hey. I'm watching Difficult People, too.
Pretty funny.
Need to catch up on last nights episode.

NHcycler said...

As for the rail "biking" (quadracycling?) in the Adirondacks...if Ms. Lu and Mr. Catchpoole want to make money off of the state-owned tracks, perhaps they could pay a usage fee.

DB said...

Of course the Mash movie is sponsored by Vans and Oakley.
Surprised Red Bull isn't a sponsor.

streepo said...

You went to Choad with his brother?

Nibali said...

SKITCHING ROCKS!

James said...

With railbiking wouldn't there be a massive bottleneck of people waiting to return the other way? (hypothetically of course since it will never catch on) Are the rails just one way? ...or do they use switches and sidings to pass? I'm really overthinking this. Fuck it, I'm leasing a Hyundai.

N/A said...

In addition to the beards/tats/flat-brimmed hats, we must also note the ridiculously cut-down flat bars on their fixies. Can't be a proper fixie-ridin' bro with some wide-ass bars, bro.



Wolf. Bro.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC --

My dog asked me to inform you that you will be hearing from his solicitors re purloined intellectual property.

I thought it was a hoot and told him to lighten up.

He's been overly impressed with himself now that Fat Cyclist gave him a guest slot.

He's offering to autograph stuff.

Which is odd.

I usually have to remind him not to sign my name to checks, credit card receipts, dyspeptic letters to editors, and real estate contracts.

In the meantime, if you send your cat over with a sharpie, he says he'll see what he can do.

dop said...

Leroy-were those 'dog miles'.

It's good to see Deforest lake It reminds me of Deforest Kelly from star trek. As a child, he'd get lost in the woods, and you couldn't see Deforest for D'trees.

creed_rulz_sez_Sinyard said...

Very nice STP analogy. That makes it worth the subscription to shedsnobNYC.

Sinyard loves him some litigation. Which, as always, he will lie about when pressed on the matter. He is the bike industry's Creed only with lawyers putting other bands out of business.

Anonymous said...

probably also suggesting that Mike Sinyard is kind of like the Scott Weiland of biking.....

trama said...

"Inchoate": just begun and so not fully formed or developed; rudimentary:

there, saved you all several seconds, continue fapping.

In closing, Sinyard is a douche.



Soup expert

DB said...

Leroy:
Your dog always cracks me up and it was nice that he didn't sprint ahead of you at the finish.
Your Birthday ride should become an annual event.
Thanks for sharing.

GreySpoke said...

The problem with riding on rails is that if they are shiny silver, you'd better know the train schedule.

JLRB said...

Going off the rails .. and so on

Anonymous said...

Buff brotastic Dylan
Rides his fixie
Pedaling fast and furiously
For all the world to see


Diamond Dave said...

Wolves at my door, washed up quick
Turned here and gone, from on the go
Seems the old folks who come up short
Were the pretty little kids who didn't wanna know

I had some crazy vision
One I can't deny and it said
OPEN YOUR EYES, LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND

bad boy of the north said...

Leroy,happy birthday to you.leroy's dog,great job on the guest posting at fc.
someday i'll have to try that route or at most,a part of it.congrats on finishing that long ride.

Anonymous said...

I read one history that hobby horses were too unstable for the rutted carriage roads, so people rode them too fast on the sidewalks and they were promptly banned, probably following a bunch of the earliest bike-hate letters to the editors.

Roille Figners said...

I thought MASH had more army doctors in it WTF?

Hey Diamond Dave that's only the best Van Halen song ever! It has a richness, a dark complexity not seen in your Dance The Night Aways and your Jamie's Cryin's.

KNUK TATT

ALAN ALDA

Anonymous said...

yes the inventor of the hobby horse also seems to have invented the rail bike (more like ~1840), maybe because his hobby horses were banned from the walking paths....

Blog Drafter said...

In trending news, apparently a new species of Homo has been discovered, aptly named tedk pretentiousi.

An 11-year-old said...

homo sexual snicker snicker snicker

N/A said...

The hobby horse wasn't as much fun after it went pro.

JLRB said...

kids today, with the balloons dangling out their arse

JLRB said...

Diamond Dave is looking a little old

P. Bateman said...

by the way, in case you want to keep your hands super dry for that post ride masturbation session:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/894862251/dribarz-the-bicycle-fairing-for-rain?ref=nav_search

Anonymous said...

I guess what I’m saying is Fake Titties is like the Real Titties of the breast world. They are very successful, and make/market a product that is adored by people the world over, yet to my personal aesthetic, is a vague, and sub-par facsimile of something much better.

ajs.lax said...

Thank you, Im really tired of the Duder vibe and jockular atmosphere infiltrating biking yes biking I'm going to call it that now. have to go i hear the ice cream man.

P. Bateman said...

love the fact that one of the washington redskins (wait, they still calling them that? not injuns? ) road his bike to work.

"despite making $1.5mm per year he still rides a bike"

apparently it means you must be poor if you ride a bike.

apparently they haven't been into a LBS lately to see that some bikes and cars kind of cost damn near the same.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

BRO- DUDE
FACE TATS
RAIL BIKE
DRAI SINE

Speaking of Hyundai have you seen the latest commercial with the bro leaving work on time in his new Hyundai driving down the completely empty streets of the big city while his office-bro-mates look down in admiration.

Car ads are idiotic.

dop said...

Is ice from your freezer no less real than ice from the pond (on a day that's colder than a bucket of penguin shit)

JB said...

Someone with more time than I could estimate the duder's speed by the angle of his rainbow fart.

I guess no Cat 6 with the rail biking.

Nice Thomas the Tank Engine reference.

Hurry up and install that Otto! Your precision gear changing demands it!

Roille Figners said...

Wow it's weird all the Kyles and Branfords and Graysons and [last-name-as-first-name] babies that I remember from the 90s are all grown up now and douching it up with their fixings-gears and their vaping-pipes. Which means A) Wow I'm old -- see strangely appropriate VH quote above -- and B) I already forgot what B was. What's for lunch?

crosspalms said...

I assume those are Bro-Motion fixies?

Roille Figners said...

JB I would also need the ambient air temperature when the photo was taken, so as to estimate the rate of ascent of the fart-balloons. (Assume fart temperature = 98.6º)

bad boy of the north said...

....or is it at least?

Never Thought I Was a VH Fan Until ...... said...

I just saw DLR and the Van Halens not more than 3 nights ago. Eddie was Awesome, capital A. Guitar Monster! Dave ............... was Dave, but not as good. But I enjoyed watching the show and came home with a smile. But to respond to Dave not looking good....... he's got 15 more years on him than me, and I'd trade right now. I wish I look that good when I hit 60.

bad boy of the north said...

99 fartballons....referencing 1983.tobor says commercial trucks...with one bike as a choice.go figure.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

# L

the Jimboner said...



RNBW FRTS

wishiwasmerckx said...

That fixter video transported me right back to 2008. Those guys are caught in a time warp.

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and to post that, the robot required me tom distinguish between a kayak and a canoe. Hey, now, I live in the desert!

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and to post that, I had to identify ice cream. Now there's something I excel at.

Freddy Murcks said...

Present day David Byrne is a subpar facsimile of 1980s David Byrne.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Now I can chase all those linky links that aren't allowed on my work PC.

Leroy's Dog is first! Next are all those priceless classics on eBay links on da Classic RondaView.

The urge to clean the house and organize all my bike tools only comes on when I have to do something more important but even less enjoyable.

"They" are going to repave the street in front of my house tomorrow.
It will be left with washboard surfacing for Lob knows how long. So ... Gravelle tireway ? Or Randanouah tiyaz w optimal pressure point? Zertz? Suspension stem? Or Surly Moonlander?

Oh yeah, and Strava too just becuz!


vsk

JLRB said...

I saw DLR and VH boys in 1980-something and they sucked - DLR was drunk to the point that they couldn't play shit.

or was it me that was drunk and couldn't hear shit? Either way it sucked

babble on said...

Best guest post ever, dear dog.

Heh heh... welcome to the world of infinite distractions at your fingertip night or day, Mr Kaminski. The banking apps are the best. You can deposit a cheque just by taking a photo of it. How cool is that?? Funny, though, how it becomes a way of life. I never used to burn through my data plan, but these days it never lasts three weeks. Strava can't seem to find you. Please follow babble on, and I will in return follow suit. Which is way different than filing a suit, as Leroy's dog will gladly explain.

JB said...

DLR could never play shit. I don't think I've ever seen him with a musical instrument. At least Mick had the tambourine.

Dooth said...

I was told I met DLR in an after hours club in Alphabet City in the 80's, but I don't remember. What was up with that Panama song? Was he singing about the country or the hat?

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

I didn't notice any mention of Hipster Douchebags or Fuck - o's in Mash. Are there any?

P. Bateman said...

@POC - nope, surprisingly full of hot chicks with big of titties. highly recommend watching it.

what was that site with the hot chicks on bikes snob used to post before miss snob cracked down? like scantily clad hot euro types on cool italian steel.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

PBateman,
I googled that and all I got was a picture of Cipo in pose with 4 podium girls

Frickus Rungus said...

Soooo, I grabbed our "spare bike" this morning for my commute. It's a single speed, women's frame cruiser with a coaster brake. Getting ready just involved raising the seat and inflating the tires. Nothing else to do, right? I mean, it has one gear and a coaster brake, what could go wrong?
On my ride back from lunch today, I was turning left on a four lane road, from the center turn lane. I stood up and pedaled hard to cross the two oncoming lanes when there was a brake in traffic. Halfway across the chain skipped off the front and rear cogs. I had enough momentum to get the rest of the way across the intersection, but it took me more than a block to finally stop, which had to be done Fred Flintstone style.
I immediately spoke with my mechanic, who hadn't done any maintenance on this bike in years, and gave him a piece of my mind. He seemed chagrined, but I may have to fire him anyway. I don't know why I put up with him, he's been sleeping with my wife for over 14 years... What a fuck-o.

A. Robot said...

Master Bateman —

Chicks and Bikes, perhaps? Sadly, it’s been moribund for three years. But if you want to review the material: http://chicksandbikes.blogspot.com/

Roille Figners said...

It would appear Dave has lost his "whistle register" (and that article totally snubs his ass too).

Diamond Dave man. Never forget.

P. Bateman said...

yeppers. that's the one.

damn, i need to buy an slr. gals do seem to love a big lens.

Blog Drafter said...

In my Fredlier days I had the thought to design a bicycle tire with heat activated rails built into the sides of the tires. Somehow or another the heat from the speed of the tire would harden up these (probably) gel strips which would act like rails going downhill and then when the speed of the tire decreased the gel would soften back up and act normally. Kind of like a limited-slip differential in a car. Anyway, I give the idea to this blogular commenting community, with all its flawed souls and kind hearts, to Kickstart, run with, kick around or shite upon. Maybe I can sleep better now.

Mike Sinneryard said...

I own the rights to that thought

The Thought Police said...

You have the right to remain silent.

Anonymous said...

Christ almighty, that Mash video is 10 years late. At least the Lightning Bolt soundtrack is an appropriate period piece.

crnk said...

Dear Snob,

Any attention you can bring to this will hopefully one day result in Australia not being top of the list of 'worst bike places in the world'.

'Drugs, pornography and bicycle helmets under Senate microscope as David Leyonhjelm's "nanny state" inquiry begins'
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-09-11/senate-nanny-state-inquiry-begins/6766740

People wishing to voice opposition to mandatory helmet laws can make a submission here:
http://www.aph.gov.au/Parliamentary_Business/Committees/Senate/Economics/Personal_choice

Matt Shelley said...

oh my.... the problem i have with "mash" is that it appears those barneys live and ride in my town.... smh.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Ms. Babble, you haven't found me on Strava yet cause I didn't do it yet.
Soon. I will establish so much presence on Twitter!! hahahaha! World domination etc etc.

I don't know if Strava reads in the low level increments I need!

Distractions! Yes. My vacation->staycation has become virtualcation...


vsk

Freddy Murcks said...

Did you see that? I totally railed that corner.

bieks said...

Snob, you have a Big Dummy, two work cycles and a Hyundai. Why is it you haven't moved to Portland and opened up a moving company? Particularly with your vast dozen-and-a-half pool of labour (not so much nepotism than forced slavery) at your disposal.

Freddy Murcks said...

I watched the fixie video. Thankfully it was short. It begs the question, however. Who in this day and age still finds that sort of shit interesting? Fixies and beards and flannel and skinny jeans and Chrome messenger accessories and skiddin' and top tube pads and mixed color wheels and short bars and fast pedaling and what not MAY have been edgy in 2007 or so, but it just seems a little pathetic now.

Chaz said...

^me

Dylan said...

Dude, is that really the time there?

Walter said...

Fuck Chas can't you do anything right? You even spelt your own name wrong

I am disappoint.

Matt said...

Hey Walter, ez up on Chas, c'mon bro you know he has issues - cut him a brake.

Rainier said...

Matt, you got the ez? I'm going for a spin tomorrow how's about popping around.

Matt said...

Yeah to both, what time you thinking.

Kyle said...

Hey dumdasses, this isn't the time or the place.

Lambchop said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lambchop said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael said...

LOL. That is just what a rainbow fart would look like.

Ewan said...

This is heaps easier on a DT

Find the Two (2) Miss-used Words said...

"I stood up and pedaled hard to cross the two oncoming lanes when there was a brake in traffic. Halfway across the chain skipped off the front and rear cogs.

Roy G. Biv said...

The balloons behind the bike are not in the correct rainbow order nor proportions.

90 something said...

spinning spinning can't stop spinning

JLRB said...

took me a minute to remember where I had heard of Roy G. Biv before - such a colorful gent

JLRB said...

I think this has been covered before, but electronic dropper posts and automotive system hacking must be united

JLRB said...

This Hungarian Camerawoman be trippin'

JLRB said...

These photos prove bicyclists are bad people

JLRB said...

Burnt all my matches - its up to the rest of the pack to bring this across the finish line

Countdown said...

97

Countdown said...

98

Countdown said...

99

Countdown said...

I am sooooo tired.

dop said...

The American century

dop said...

drat...

BamaPhred said...

Scranus on rails.

McFly said...

That's Taint on Tracks in old money. Is that some MILF on the front left of the rail quad? Whenever 4 mature women are on an adventure there is a 98.8% chance that they are drinking and looking for fun sans husbands.

Joe said...

As bro-tastic as the MASH video is, two of those guys are current pro riders, one of which placed 3rd in the US Pro Challenge KOM. So you can't always judge a bro by his bro cover. There is some serious Fred lurking underneath.

JLRB said...

on the overlooked subject of air pollution and bicycling - cough, wheeze, choke - better to breath it than create more of it

BikeSnobNYC said...

Joe,

That only makes it all the more bro-y.

--Wildcat Etc.

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JB said...

Snob, you need to save the 8/1/2013 pic from the bikesandchicks@blogspot site. Eh, you've probably seen it...

Android Tutorial said...

Its very complete article..

Bibit Saputra said...

thanks bro :D

Trik Android Baru said...

Podiation .... ????

torsten said...

@N/A... Was thinking the same thing. But remember how 'back in the day' (like 5 years ago) the bros all wanted incredibly tiny bars where you needed midget hands to hold on to them? The first guy seems to have retained the muscle memory since he's holding on at the stem.

Herbawan said...

Cara Menyembuhkan Herpes Dengan Cepat

charisa dewatari said...

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Ini tidak harus menjadi hal selimut terlalu besar dan bayi kecil yang berarti Anda membungkus bayi Anda di dalamnya. Jadi Anda harus berhati-hati ketika berinvestasi dalam selimut bayi. Umumnya, jika Anda mendapatkan selimut tidur, itu sekitar 36 "X52". Ukuran selimut ini dapat menutupi ukuran umum buaian kasur. Hal ini tepat untuk jual kelambu kasur bayi murah canopy 200x200 membedung bayi Anda yang merupakan pilihan terbaik bagi Anda. Anda harus tahu keyakinan bahwa biasanya selimut kapas yang juga diangkut adalah 30 "persegi di sekitar.

Di antara persyaratan, pada dasarnya yang paling foto selimut bayi pada dasarnya adalah hal yang paling penting bagi bayi yang baru lahir. Sekarang kebanyakan bayi menghabiskan durasi utama mereka beberapa bulan pertama baik dibungkus, atau dilindungi oleh selimut. Tanpa pertanyaan, apakah di rumah atau di perjalanan, selimut gambar bayi yang cocok untuk setiap kesempatan. Umumnya diterima sebagai hadiah, selimut bayi jual kelambu kasur bayi murah canopy 120x190 disambut dan dihargai oleh ibu diharapkan di mana-mana.

Ada banyak tempat dari mana orang tua alami dapat memilih pad perubahan itu tanpa PVC. Zoli (termasuk array mengganti popok tikar yang dibuat dari non toxic, PVC-free elastomer termoplastik (TPE) dalam berbagai warna dan datang pada $ 20 masing-masing. Anak Sehat dan Amazon keduanya menawarkan Naturepedic Organik Changing Table Pad. Hal ini Greenguard bersertifikat dan dibuat dari katun organik memiliki penutup tipis food grade, lapisan polyethylene tahan air tidak beracun. Namun, perubahan ini tabel pad mahal dan biaya hampir seratus dolar.

Bayi biasanya tidak terbersih, terutama saat mereka merangkak tentang lantai. Sayangnya, beberapa noda yang menantang untuk menghapus dari karpet; lantai juga mungkin kasar pada kaki dan lutut bayi. Jika Anda sedang sibuk dengan semua bayi, hal terakhir yang Anda ingin mengambil waktu untuk akan menggosok noda jauh dari karpet. Untuk membantu dengan semua masalah ini, menempatkan bersih, selimut tua di tanah dan agar bayi nyaman dapat merangkak di sekitar. Jika ada messes, itu benar-benar mudah jelas dengan melemparkan selimut dalam mencuci.

Anonymous said...

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