America Now Leads The World In Proven Reserves of Crude Stupidity

Here in this part of the northern hemisphere we're busy squandering the remaining weeks of summer and building up our cyclocross bikes with dick breaks for the coming season, but down in the land frumunda they've already had their cyclocross national championships, and Geoff the Reader (which sounds like a "Game of Thrones" character) was kind enough to send me this video of the dramatic conclusion of the Elite Men's race:



Here's the description from the video:

There was a controversial end to the Elite Men's race. Paul Van Der Ploeg (big bloke in blue) and Chris Jongewaard (small bloke with white helmet) came together and they ended up off their bikes. I gave the video to the commissaires, they reviewed it, prior to deciding the outcome of the race. Paul kept the win. They are leaning on each other from about 3 seconds into this video.

"Came together" and "ended up off their bikes" indeed.

Even more salacious was the subsequent media coverage:

"Tussle-tainted?"

("I eees muscle-tainted.  Eees similar?")

Well, no, Mario.  This is what she meant:

It involved a substantial amount of contact between the two and the situation became heated.

I bet it did.  Sounds like they were doing the ol' two-taint tussle.

Moving on, there's been a lot of news out of Boston concerning cyclists on the highway, and this mornint a tweeter on the Twitter tweeted this tweet from some Boston sportswriter at me:

I know this is borderline heretical, but bicycles just don't belong on American streets. It's a nice abstract concept, but impractical.

— Bob Ryan (@GlobeBobRyan) August 9, 2015

Wow.  Nobody in media is dumber about bikes than aging sportswriters.  Remember Tony Kornheiser back in 2010?



What is it with these people?  They write about sports!  Why are they so upset by people who engage in physical activity?  You don't see food critics getting angry at people for eating.  Anthony Bourdain tries the street food, he doesn't yell at all the other people eating it for blocking the sidewalk, or say stuff like, "Food just doesn't belong on city streets.  It's a nice abstract concept, but impractical."

Anyway, upon reading that tweet I fired off one of my own:

Don't worry, it's not "borderline" anything, you're fully inside Moronistan. https://t.co/cSPm8as6qY

— Bike Snob NYC (@bikesnobnyc) August 11, 2015

I should at this point remind you that I hate sports, partly because they're boring, but mostly because the stupid attitudes surrounding them hurt my brain.  Therefore, I didn't know who Tony Kornheiser was before that whole kerfuffle (even though he went to my high school, which is not surprising given his dimwitted worldview), and I didn't know who Bob Ryan was either--until after I sent that tweet, at which point I looked him up on a popular user-edited online encyclopedia and read this:

On January 28, 2008 his 37-year-old son Keith, was found dead in his home in Islamabad, Pakistan. Initial reports indicated that his death was an apparent suicide, however reports in the Pakistani newspapers Dawn and The News International indicated that Ryan's death may be investigated as a murder. A State Department spokesperson would only say the death was under investigation.[5] Bob Ryan released the following statement: "Everyone is devastated. I am well aware of these reports and we are very concerned about that. (But) we have no reason at this time to doubt the official version".[6]

That is completely horrible, and it made me feel really bad about the "-stan" thing, which was obviously a coincidence.  Ironically though I was initially going to type "Retardistan," but people always get upset when you use the "R" word that way, so I changed it.  Clearly I should have skipped trying to be clever altogether and just Tweeted "You're a fucking idiot."

You can never go wrong with that.

Indeed, very little good comes of the Twitter, though I was pleased to learn about this:

Sensible stuff from Paris: http://t.co/3TJJRrmsh3 cc @shaneferro @bikesnobnyc

— Felix Salmon (@felixsalmon) August 11, 2015

Here's the story:

No, by "jump red lights" they don't mean you can do the "two-taint tussle" with traffic signals.  What they mean is you're allowed to run the red light under certain specific circumstances:

The latest gift, being introduced over the summer, is a radical step that recognises a regrettable truth: that cyclists in cities often fail to stop at red lights. Rather than step up repression of this misdemeanour, the Paris city authorities have decided to make it legal.

Over July and August, signs are being put up at 1,800 junctions across the capital. They show an upside down triangle, with a picture of a bicycle and an arrow.

What this indicates is that when the signal is red, cyclists can nonetheless - and with all due care and attention - jump the lights. They can, to use the lingo, "griller le feu".

Mmmm, griller le feu is my favorite Parisian street food.

Anyway, here's when you're allowed to barbecue the light:

"It required a rewriting of the Code de la Route [the laws governing road use], but what in effect we have done is turn the red light for cyclists into a give way sign," says Christophe Najdoski, deputy Paris mayor in charge of transport.

It is important to note that the change only affects right turns or going straight on at a T-junction - in other words where the cyclist can hug the pavement.

This makes total sense, which is why it will never happen in New York.  See, here in America's Most Bike-Friendly City, these are the exact spots where the NYPD set up their cyclist red light sting operations.

Lastly, speaking New York City, a reader alerted me to the latest Bill Cunningham video, which I can't embed, so just click here instead.  Not only does he reveal that he's had 32 (!) bikes stolen, but he also spots a Citi Bike unicycle:

Presumably you only get 15 minutes instead of the usual 30.

Anyway, this video was highly thought-provoking, in that it made me think about how much I'd like to see a video of Bill Cunningham kicking Bob Ryan in the nuts.