Monday, July 27, 2015

A broken clock is right twice a day, while a broken Apple Watch is never right at all.




Well, the Touring of France is over, and to celebrate, Chris Froome chugged gazpacho from a giant bowl:


Presumably he's relieved that the Tour is over, because now he can take a much-needed rest from being showered in bodily fluids:

PARIS, (AFP) — Chris Froome said he felt “incredible” after winning his second Tour de France title on Sunday in a competition that has seen him accused of cheating, spat upon, and doused with urine.

And that's not even counting the incessant snot rocket mist that is a normal part of riding in a tight pack of roadies.

No wonder these guys are always getting sick--not only are they constantly being spritzed with saliva, mucus, and pee, but they're also all at least 30 pounds underweight and on drugs.

Indeed, physiologically speaking, there's little difference between a professional cyclist and a "crust punk" band member.  (Though socioeconomically the "crust punk" is roughly 20 times more likely to hail from a wealthy Greenwich family.)

Still, Froome isn't complaining about all the urine.  In fact, it seems he kinda likes it:

“Of course it was a very, very difficult Tour, both on the bike and off it. I’m so happy to be here in yellow..."

See that?  He's happy to be in yellow.

So there you go.

Meanwhile, Dorothy Rabinowitz must be plotzing, because her newspaper is way into Citi Bike now:



Citi Bike still isn’t perfect. Over the course of 15 test rides and 45 miles of biking, I encountered four docking snafus, a sticky gear shifter and one flat tire. But overall, the new Citi Bike experience is like cruising on a different planet: a magical world where a bright blue bike waits on every third street corner to provide fun, convenient transport—assuming you don’t get clipped by a cab.

Four docking snafus, a sticky gear shifter and one flat tire?  Sounds like an evening with Mario Cipollini after he's had too much to drink:


("Sorry for docking snafus, dees a-never happen to da Cipo, I swear!")

As a Citi Bike user I agree that the system has improved tremendously, and indeed there's a lot to love about the convenience of bike share--though I'd stop short of saying the bikes themselves are the best part:

The bikes were always the best part of the system. Sturdy and tank-like, they breeze over cobblestones, curbs and potholes the size of kiddie pools. But the new model is even better. The brakes are tighter, the gears are smoother and there’s a blingy new light on the back fender. The handlebars collect a lot less schmutz.

Seriously, the bikes were always the best part?  That's like saying the best part of the subway system is the hard plastic seats.  (Though I'd certainly rather have hard plastic seats than the disgusting bacteria-ridden cloth they have on the BART.)  I do agree though that the new Ben Serotta-designed Cit Bikes are more responsive and "flickable" than the old model while still retaining the bone-jarring tankishness we bike-sharers so cherish--even though the author of the Journal piece clearly lacks the Cat 6 skillz to squeeze maximum performance from the machine:

My one gripe: Citi Bike has maintained the stingy time limits on how long you can keep a bike before returning it and borrowing another. Annual pass holders get 45 minutes; short-termers, just half an hour. If you’re obeying traffic laws, that isn’t enough time to get anywhere in New York.

Clearly she needs to subscribe to my Team Citi Bike Cat 6 coaching system, because according to my Citi Bike account I can do DUMBO, Brooklyn ("DUMBO" is an acronym for Douchebags Under the Manhattan Bride Overpass") to Grand Central in just over 30 minutes:


Keep in mind this route includes the dreaded Manhattan Bridge climb, which is the Tourmalet of Cat 6 ascents.  Also, I set this time on one of the old Citi Bikes, and I'm confident that the improved lateral stiffness, vertical compliance, and racier gear ratios of the new Serotta model would easily erase that 55 second deficit and have me docking at Pershing Square well inside of the 30-minute non-member time limit.  (Not that I have to worry about that, I am of course a Citi Bike founding member, not some sad non-member Citi Fred.)

I bet the new bikes are also more aerodynamic, which means that by Lennard Zinn's water bucket metric I'd save a whole gazpacho tureen's worth of time.

Speaking of the new Citi Bikes, I was riding one last week when I encountered this food cart in the bike lane:


I circumvented it handily, thanks to both the bike's improved geometry coupled with my own razor sharp Citi Bike handling skills:


What sets a semi-professional bike blogger and accomplished Cat 6 Citi Bike racer like me apart from the ordinary cyclist is the ability to: 1) avoid a food cart in the bike lane; 2) take a photo while doing so; and 3) press that "switcheroo" button on the screen and then take another over-the-shoulder shot of the same food cart receding into the distance, which you can see me doing in this reflection from my douchey sunglasses:


Not only that, but while doing all of this I was fondling my ego by reading my own blog:


Incredible.

Anyway, given all this success, it's no surprise that Citi Bike is expanding to a whole bunch of new neighborhoods in which you'll never be able to afford to live:


But you'll be able to borrow a Citi Bike while you're visiting, so at least there's that.

Lastly, according to the Twitter, Walmart continues to be totally up on the current offroad bicycling trends:
Sweet ride:


I expect a bikepacking bike from Kent any day now.

94 comments:

james said...

scrodium

Anonymous said...

Ha!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

bangers

Anonymous said...

I'm in by a snot rocket

Anonymous said...

Let's see how far down we can push Ted K.

boys on the hoods said...

top 10

Anonymous said...

Beat Ted…it's like being first!

balls™ said...

No riding Cipo.

ken e. said...

present!

ChamoisJuice said...

Okok, Beacon was awesome, in the literal sense. Spectacular views of the Hudson River valley. Gnar dog rock lines. Good skinny dipping swimming holes. Approved.

I stopped replying to the welsh girl's texts. :/ I can do better.
I got the bio teacher girl to agree to another drink date, but then I blew her off again, to see this Haitian girl I was friends with in high school. We got drinks and talked about race relations and immigration. Rly! I started defending rednecks for some reason. We walked around town for awhile, smoked some weed, and went back to her house... But then I pulled a costanza and didn't go inside. Failure to launch

GreySpoke said...

Manhattan Bride Overpass is my new band's name.

DB said...

Thanks, Wildcat.

Anonymous said...

Ahh cool! Toppus XX and even read it.

clyde said...

Top 20

philip marlowe said...

her eyes were the color of lapis lazuli

Anonymous said...

Her eyes were the color of make believe...

P. Bateman said...

top....dang.

or top dong. your girl thinks so anyway.



PotbellyJoe said...

I went out for a quick ride Saturday due to time constraints. I rode with a friend who, though slightly slower, is great to ride with because the conversation is always awesome. He's one of those athletics-induced optimists. Everything is great when the endorphins kick in. Whatever.

So on our ride, two other cyclists turned onto the route we were on and sped up to catch us.

While riding behind me, one of them asked, "Is that electronic shifting on your bike?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Do you need that?"

Ignoring the implication that I wasn't good enough for it, is this where we are as cyclists?

I could have asked if he needed his $5000 machine of plastic that he was straddled over like a monkey on a football, but that would just drag me to his level.

1. Maybe I'm rich and this was just a folly of mine.
2. Maybe I'm a really bad cyclist and need every advantage I can find
3. Maybe it's none of your damn business as to where and how I spend my money.

I felt like I was back in Europe buying a larger sedan than my neighbor and having him ask why I needed something that large (a compact by the way) and if it was because I was an American.

Is that what we have come to? It was bad enough when we took on the Euro sizing (what was wrong with wearing size 11 1/2 shoes to pedal your 19" bike with 27x1-1/4 wheels?) and now we're adopting their smarminess too?

Anonymous said...

I ❤️ Dorthy.

David G said...

What's the one on the right, next to the Klan hood and the swastika?

dnk said...

David G,

Looks like an NYPD badge. (I could be wrong though)

Spokey said...

22 podium

i'll just go pee now

P. Bateman said...

@David G --- i think its a bsnyc seal of disapproval

Spokey said...


Is that what we have come to? It was bad enough when we took on the Euro sizing (what was wrong with wearing size 11 1/2 shoes to pedal your 19" bike with 27x1-1/4 wheels?) and now we're adopting their smarminess too?


nothing wrong with those wheels and shoes. well at least the wheels. the only thing wrong with the shoes is i'd have to chop 1/2 my foot off to put it in a shoe that small.

the only problem i see with electronic shifters is after the economic collapse comes how you gonna ride off to escape the barbarians?

Roille Figners said...

Gazpacho may seem cool and refreshing for summer, but the bitter disappointment will sear your throat and soul with the white-hot flames of a hell more horrible yet than that brimstone land of Christian reckoning.(*)

I got just far enough into "socioeconomically the crust punk is..." and I'm thinking "poorer" but then instead of being one way, it was the other way, hence: humor.

CJ - The main reason to go to Beacon is to maybe catch a glimpse of David Rees (my boyfriend, XOXO)

Potbelly Joe - My mind is reeling with comebacks for that guy. Really he just needed a good old garden variety Imperial-sized ass-whuppin though. Not that I'm in love with electronic shifting but that's not the point.



(*)Thanks Cormac!

can_not_be_bothered said...

PotbellyJoe,

Electro-shifting is a convenience, not an advantage. That's all.

If everyone is honest, that should be the end of the "convo."

PotbellyJoe said...

Thanks guys,

I wasn't sure about it at first, I bought the entire groupset as an upgrade figuring I could sell it for more than this guy was letting it go for if i didn't like it. It's stayed on the bike.

Spokey, I would ride my old-dependable in that case, my 1993 Rockhopper. It's already seen it all, wears truly all-terrain tires, has a rack for panniers, and runs on a 3x7-speed drivetrain meaning I have a chain that will be here long after I am dead.

That or I'll just become a barbarian. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Spokey said...

joe

good point. i'll have to think about that. i'm still toying with a new bike this fall->spring. I'll have to look to see what they have on the non-road side of things. I will insist on a triple crank matched with a 11/12 to 34/36 rear. If they have electronics for that, i'll consider it knowing the old comotion can be pressed in to service my future get-a-way.

PotbellyJoe said...

Spokes:

Mine is 50-34 with 11-28, I have never had an issue finding a gear to get up a mountain. If I struggle it's because my legs suck, haha.

My Rockhopper is 26/36/46 with 12-28 rear. I don't gain a lot with the triple front.

a random stranger said...

Do you need that?

dop said...

PBJ-

Maybe chalk it up to Michigan Dutch. (the seething, John Cleese-like anger that doesn't get expressed & just boils over slowly.)(Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? I'll ride with any fucking gruppo I want, he never said above his breath)

(Grandma was on her way to Holland, Michigan, but while passing through Bergen county, she met Grandpa & they became New Jersey Dutch)

1904 Cadardi said...

What's the formula to convert TdF Tureens of Gazpacho (TTGs) into Diminumtive Frenchman Units (DFUs)?

Spokey said...

joe

all that proves is that i suck more than you. i'm happy with my current 46x34x24 & 11-34. mostly don't use the granny around here unless i'm feeling lazy but it sure is handy for climbing rockies and the like with 50-60 lbs of crap (not me other crap) on the bike. sometimes i'll go in to the granny going up that hill on 601 after 518. i'm about 20 lbs lighter than i was in my 40s & 50s but still suck a lot worse on the hills.

PotbellyJoe said...

Dop,

I'm stuck in NJ after going to that Dutch university in New Brunswick and meeting an Irish girl from South Bound Brook who has kept me here ever since.

It honestly never dawned on me to ask someone if they needed the features on their bike. I was a bit taken aback by the whole encounter.

I mean if we really get down to it, since the advent of the safety bicycle, there have been minimal changes that we truly "need." Most certainly do make life on the saddle easier.

PotbellyJoe said...

@Spokey:

I tend to avoid 601 if I can. I ride it in the morning on my way to work as i get to work before 8 so I can shower. That puts me on 601 at 7 by Carrier and I jump off at Montgomery's Cathedral...err High School. In the evening I just head up Hollow from 518 to Long Hill or Montgomery depending on if I want to do dirt or not and then get back to the House. The worst climb I contend with consistently is 569 out of Hopewell towards Cherry Valley, and I do that 2-3 times a week if I don't do it on Saturday. It's a decent punch in the gut 3/4 of the way up, but I'm much better at it after the winter weight is shed.

I went down Auten the other morning and reminded myself why I continue to distrust Hillsborough drivers. The new motto in Hillsborough, "Stop signs are for the people who don't have places to be."

Roille Figners said...

Yeah that's the whole thing. A guy initiating a totally frivolous and unwnted conversation has the nerve to pose as the Voice of Rationally Paring Down to Just What's Needed?

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Do you really need all those extra teeth? What's wrong with inch pitch?

vsk


ROBOT:
Select all the images that don't look like gratuitous drivetrain extravagance.

crosspalms said...

Roille,
Team Liquigazpacho wants to know why you hate their mascot/food.

the Jimboner said...

Anyone else drooling over the VO Piolet?

Randow Unicycling Stranger asks said...

Do you need two wheels?

JB said...

"26/36/46 with 12-28"

So turned-on right now.

JB said...

Do you have electric locks / power windows on your car? Do you need that?

Roille Figners said...

"Yes but I don't need YOUR HORSESHIT"

See what I mean, so many comebacks...

PotbellyJessup said...

Son, we live in a world that has gears, and those gears have to be shifted by shifters and derailleurs. What's gonna do it? You? You, Shimano Sora? My Di2 has a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for cables, and you curse electronic shifting. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That cables' death, while tragic, probably saves time. And its existence on my bike, while expensive and incomprehensible to you, saves me time. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about in group rides, you want Di2 on my bike, you need it on my bike. We use words like speed, watts, friction. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent wasting time on bicycles. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rides up and rests in the draft that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up speed, and join the paceline. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think I am entitled to.

Comment deleted said...

The dude near me in my office just heated up his lunch, which I can only surmise consists of some well-aged smegma, doused liberally in armpit juice. If it had been gazpacho, we at least wouldn't be treated to these heat-liberated stank molecules for the next hour.

JB said...

[golf clap]

Roille Figners said...

While I enjoyed the eloquence of that, I also like

"Your mom needs THIS"

PotbellyJoe said...

@Comment Deleted,

That's so much better than the Gruyere-topped, boiled fishing-waders that a co-worker here warmed in the microwave for lunch.

Roille, brevity is the soul of wit.

Tesla said...

I need electronic shifting

Tesla said...

Edison was my lap bitch

McFly said...

Every since Saturday I have been pedaling my byke around an island in the gulf of Mih hee ko that's virtually car free and its fuckin rad.

Edison said...

Hey AC Boy;

Electronic shifting is DIRECT CURRENT!

So are the electric cars on the road that HAVE YOUR NAME ON THEM!

Whose the BITCH NOW!!!!!!!!

Tesla wins again said...

@Edison,

The one who can't use who's correctly...

janinedm said...

I had the opposite thing happen this weekend. I went on the "Epic Ride" from Greenpoint to the Rockaways (40 miles, so really, sub-epic ride) on my "fast bike," a 1994 Marin Redwood (my man bike is a work cycles omafiets so...) And some guy in a Felt told me I was doing pretty well and suggested I imagine what i could do with a fast bike. I mean, we were doing the same pace, but my bike cost less than his wheels and I'm the one who needs the thought experiment... Anyway, the real takeaway is that when you have unlimited beer and staggered starts, the "leisure group" goes home sober.

Roille Figners said...

ha ha "thought experiment"

Rod Serling: "Imagine if you will..."

bieks said...

Now I understand why some of those riders switch bikes part way through a stage - they've run out of free time and they have to switch bikes to reset the clock. Must be tough competing against those chi-chi-frou-frou teams who have their own bikes.

JLRB said...

bieks COD

(and here I thought it was because the battery in their little whirring motor needed to recharge)

Anonymous said...

WCRM, From the land of BART... They switched to vinyl seats a couple years ago. Still ugly green, and not much to do about bums vomiting on them, but at least it doesn't permeate them quite as bad anymore. Apparently the new cars (slated to debut sometime in the next decade) ate supposed to be much more bike friendly - so there's that.

Anonymous said...

comment deleted - microwaveable work lunches come in three types:

1) Those that contain nasty fish and smell like stale hobo piss.

2) Those that contain nasty cheese and smell like puke.

3) Those that contain onions in some form and smell like B.O.

Dooth said...

"Do you need that?"

"I need you to pump up my tire."

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

PBJ,

Your newfoumd buddy couldn't believe he dropped 5 G on a bike and STILL has to pony up for electronic shifters.

As PT Barnum said, 'there's one born every minute'.

bad boy of the north said...

ah...a scene from "a few good cyclists".(clap,clap,clap)

CJ's Mom said...

CJ always did have an elaborate fantasy life. Haitian girl? Welsh girl? Bio teacher? Puhleaze. I really don't know where he gets this stuff. When he was a little boy his life's ambition was to be a sewage worker so that he "could eat shit all day" and get paid for it. [[Kids say the darnedest things]] Sadly, even the sewage department wouldn't take him. Now the penis-less little fucker lives in my basement and eats his own shit all day. I doubt that I will ever be rid of him.

By the way, in case you are interested, CJ's real name is Carl Joseph Schmickelgrubber. He's always gone by CJ. I don't know how he came up with 'Chamois Juice', but I don't really know where he gets any of his elaborate ideas about the world.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That's cool you read your own blog too. Besides my own, yours, and a few others I don't wastes my time with all the other drivel out there.

Frickus Rungus said...

This weekend I was able to get in a self guided, pedal powered brewery tour that benefited the local bike advocacy group and a stretchy clothes ride that included a stop for pie.
I now feel horizontally expanded and vertically sleepy...

As for Di2: That would cut too deep into my beer and pie budget.

Anonymous said...

Ted K is on vacay!

Anonymous said...

Was so looking forward to the next Ted K. communique and all I got was this lousy, not-funny, washed up bike blog nonsense.

bieks said...

What I NEED is Gruber assist.

PotbellyJoe said...

@JanineDM,

I did a 30 mile ride last year on my Rockhopper in Detroit, because honestly I didn't want to take my good bike to Detroit. Towards the end of the ride a guy looks over at my purple bike with yellow lettering and goes "Holy shit, how old is that Rockhopper? Looks to be in good shape. Nice job."

I didn't want to break his heart and tell him that older steel bikes have a shelf life that rivals Twinkies, but I was happy to brighten his day.

I did a mixed terrain ride (mostly crushed limestone) in July that I took the Rockhopper out for in MI. I think I drove up the value of early-90s MTBs in SW MI that week.

It's only 10% bike, the rest is your legs and how much EPO and HGH you ingest regularly...

leroy said...

My dog's book club offers a group haiku:

Citibike expands
Wondrous message in sky: Sur-
Render Dorothy.

(Clearly enjambment and beer pong don't mix.)

Re Volted said...

Ok. I use electronic shifters, guilty as charged.

Nikoli said...

@Edison -

So how much of the world's power grid consists of DC systems? Other than some log distance high voltage transmission and closed systems, not much although DC still is the choice for end-use applications

Edison's last major DC customers in NYC were converted to AC in 2007

Nikoli said...

@Edison -

So how much of the world's power grid consists of DC systems? Other than some long distance high voltage transmission and closed systems, not much although DC still is the choice for end-use applications

Edison's last major DC customers in NYC were converted to AC in 2007

ce said...

"He's happy to be in yellow"... and I've got my money back, the rest of the post is all profit.

is it necessary? said...

is it necessary?

JLRB said...

Ahhhh Nothing like a Classic cup of coffee to start the day

IWONIWONIWON

janinedm said...

Rockhopper, I'm so, so happy the guys at the bike shop talked me into the Marin. I gave no thought to early 90s steel bikes before but now I feel a bit of smug Gwyneth Paltrow-like sadness for anyone who ain't about that life. Call me old fashioned, but ladies do not use EPO or HGH. To go with my whole retro thing I'm using pot belge.

janinedm said...

I meant potbellyjoe

Anonymous said...

ummmm Golf Barbie

David Pearce said...

You know, Snob,

There is also the third conundrum:

The clock that is running, but set to the wrong time. You'll never get that clock (or person) to get to the right time!

JLRB said...

Cur Roilie with "Does anyone really know what time it is"

JLRB said...

Cue

JLRB said...

So there is a Shut Up Legs Walz cycling cap

AND a Shut Up Legs Gran Fond(le)

With an option for an Intimate meeting with Jens: Route of Choice, Front of the line roll out with Jens Voigt, exclusive polo, signed race number and group photo. The founders club members will be invited to an exclusive drinks and reception in San Francisco the evening of Friday October 9th. The reception will be an opportunity to have a meet and greet with Jens Voigt as well as other pros in a more intimate setting. In addition we will have an interview and Q/A period to conclude the evening.


Someone is cashing in ... But my legs are mutes

old russian said...

If you have one watch, you always know what time it is. If you have two, you're never sure

summer's eve said...

Smug Gwyneth Paltrow my labia. she thinks she's so natural, but she uses a commercial douche.

Anonymous said...

On a group ride last year, one rider arrived on the new new, DI2 shifting bike, and, oops, had not charged up the battery. No ride for her that day. When does the improvement from the electronics make up for missing that ride? (also, the components are ugly, but then, some people choose to drive the Honda Element.)

janinedm said...

I met jens Voigt once. He told me, "good luck with your 60 kilo bike." I think he meant it.

janinedm said...

She's using a commercial douche? I thought she divorced the Coldplay dude.

Michael Carberry said...

Neighborhoods I could never afford to live in???!!! You pay to live in NYC? I thought it was a open air prison.

Cheapo said...

Did you not see that someone mentioned your clever typo - and I think it IS a typo -

MANHATTAN BRIDE OVERPASS


????


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