This Wednesday Is Fully Rigid

As you've probably heard, human parody Donald Trump is running for President of Canada's Baboon-Like Artificially Exaggerated Sexual Swelling, and one of his chief campaign promises is that he will never enter a bicycle race:

TRUMP: I will stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons. And we won't be using a man like Secretary Kerry that has absolutely no concept of negotiation, who's making a horrible and laughable deal, who's just being tapped along as they make weapons right now, and then goes into a bicycle race at 72 years old, and falls and breaks his leg. I won't be doing that. And I promise I will never be in a bicycle race. That I can tell you.

(Full text here)

It should be noted, however, that he doesn't rule out sponsoring a bicycle race, which means perhaps we'll see a return of the Tour de Trump as part of his candidacy:

Sadly, despite the astoundingly witty name, Trump did not achieve his lofty goal of creating a bicycle race that would one day eclipse the Tour de France:



If nothing else, this is proof that cycling has always been scuzzy, inasmuch as it was in bed with Trump as early as the late 1980s--a fact that further bolsters my conspiracy theory that professional cycling is in fact Marla Maples:

Moving on to contemporary pro cycling scuzziness, yesterday I mentioned this:

This is the podium of today's Flanders Diamond Tour, a UCI 1.1 women's race. What an utter disgrace @LottoCyclingCup! pic.twitter.com/lVHu8ksqGe

— Marijn de Vries (@marijnfietst) June 14, 2015

And VeloNews (or whatever they're called now) reports that the race organizers have since apologized:

The models were arranged by Hostessen Service No Limit, a company that also provides striptease acts. Its manager, speaking with the BBC and giving his name only as Gerrid, said, “I don’t understand what the problem is.”

“Sometimes during the race, women race with their shirts open,” he said.

Oh, well, that makes it all right then.

I sometimes ride with my shirt open too.  Does that mean when I'm done a bunch of male strippers should wave their dongs in my face?

Anyway, I'd have expected a classier response from a company called "Hostessen Service No Limit," especially given the wonderful job they did with my child's birthday party.

And in other news of the lifestyles of the Belgian and classless, Eddy Merckx turned 70 today:

(He doesn't look a day over 89.)

And to celebrate he wants to sell you a bike made out of metal:

Eddy Merckx Cycles, the eponymous brand of arguably the world's greatest cyclist, is returning to its roots with steel racing bikes. The first batch will be a limited-edition run of EDDY70 machines. Sold online for US$17,500 / €14,000 a piece, there will by 70 numbered EDDY70 bikes, of which the man himself will get number one. But these aren't just retro bikes, the company insists.

No, they're not just retro bikes; they're wildly overpriced retro bikes.

There's a big difference--and that difference is about US$12,000.

Of course, Merckx is also the co-owner and organizer of both the Tour of Oman and the Tour of Qatar, and word is that next year he will combine them into a single grand tour called "The Tour de Human Rights:"

All the riders will be migrant workers, who are far less likely to complain when their tires explode in the extreme heat.

In the meantime, Merckx's birthday soirée is being produced by "Hostessen Service No Limit."

Closer to (my) home, the transit workers' union continues to fight for their right to run you over with their giant buses, and to that end they're once again rubbing your noses in it by...driving safely:

According to a TWU release, drivers at White Plains Road at Lafayette Ave and at 181st Street and Wadsworth Avenue were told to "come to a complete stop - and not move - until all pedestrians were on the sidewalk. Not close to the curb but completely off the street."

Oh, the horror!

Additionally, they dispatched a photographer in order to humiliate pedestrians for absolutely no reason:

Wadsworth & 181 in Upper Manh: Bus waits to take a left turn as oblivious pedestrian crosses intersection pic.twitter.com/1sdNUEcyZo

— TWU Local 100 (@TWULocal100) June 16, 2015

Wow, this is a new low for TWU Local 100.  First all that stupid "brunch-shaming," now this.  So what if she's holding a phone?  That doesn't necessarily make her "oblivious."  She has the light, and therefore the right of way.  She can carry whatever the hell she wants.  I don't care if she's beating a rat to death with a 12-inch dildo while she's walking, if the bus driver hits her it's the bus driver's fault--because the whole point of driving is WATCHING WHERE THE FUCK YOU'RE GOING!!!

And if the bus driver did hit her, what are the consequences under the current law they're so desperate to amend?  Well, this:

Drivers get handcuffed for violating the Right of Way Law? Really?

Under this law's misdemeanor charge, people arrested are most likely to be released after receiving a Desk Appearance Ticket at the precinct office. It is also highly unlikely that the 30 days in jail allowed under the law will be applied, keeping this law in line with similar misdemeanor offenses. However, it is an arrestable offense to make dangerous driving choices that may kill or injure someone. If a person drives drunk, they will be handcuffed. If a person discharges a gun in public, they may well be handcuffed, even if the person had no intention of doing so. And if a person drives a car over someone who is walking with the right of way in the crosswalk, they may be handcuffed. However, NYPD officers could decide not to handcuff a driver - they typically have the discretion to make that choice. 

Oh please.  As Ian MacKaye once sang, "Boo Fucking Hoo."

Lastly, you've probably heard by now that Cannondale is pushing road bikes with suspension forks now:



This is great news for the bicycle industry.  Sure, they've successfully managed to convince people that it's impossible to ride a mountain bike without suspension (unless it's a fat bike, of course--for now anyway), but for too long they've been unable to foist these expensive, complicated, and often unnecessary contraptions onto the rest of the cycling world.  This is not for lack of trying.  Remember this?

And this?

Unfortunately, those never really caught on, because--well, you know why would they?  But now that we've said "yes" to disc brakes and gravel bikes we're all lubed up and ready for the next generation of overly-complicated drop-bar bikes and the inconvenient maintenance intervals that come with them.

So why would you need a suspension fork on a road bike anyway?  Well, because LOOSE GRAVEL!!!

"Oh my god, I nearly died.  It's a good thing I had a Left-tastic fork and dick breaks!"

Also SKIDS!!!

You can't do that on just any bike.

And don't forget BUNNY HOPZZZ!

That's it, I'm convinced.

Aren't you?

Sure you are.