Monday, June 1, 2015

Sorry I'm late, my Apple watch doesn't work due to my cold blood and reptilian epidermis.

Well, the World's Most Powerful Fred has made headlines again:


("Have I?  What did I do, mate?")

No, silly.  That's not the World's Most Powerful Fred.  This is the World's Most Powerful Fred:


(I mean the one on the left.  The one on the right is The World's Most Self-Important Fred.)

Indeed, Secretary of State John Kerry's cycling exploits have been fraught with drama this year.  First, back in March, there was his geopolitically metaphorical derailleur malfunction:


"The Swiss police came in and told me they needed an urgent repair on a gear-change mechanism," Schumann told AFP on Wednesday.

Which Washington pundits attributed to his tendency to cross-chain:


And which he almost certainly used to rationalize purchase of a full electronic Campagnolo Super-Ultra-Deluxe Electronic Record upgrade to his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry:


(Teresa Heinz Kerry finally green-lights purchase of a new component group after weeks of wheedling and cajoling.)

"C'mon, a Stealth Bomber costs $550 million each and all I want to buy is a stupid derailleur," sources overheard Kerry say to his wife at a fundraising banquet.

Now, just as the cycling season is getting succulent, the unfortunate Kerry has crashed and broken his femur:


“Secretary Kerry broke his right femur in a bicycling accident this morning in Scionzier, France,” Mr. Kirby, the State Department spokesman, said in a statement. “Given the injury is near the site of his prior hip surgery, he will return to Boston today to seek treatment at Massachusetts General Hospital with his doctor who did the prior surgery.”

Ouch.

This crash will have global implications, for it means Kerry missed the big ISIS meeting:

Mr. Kerry, 71, had been scheduled to fly to Madrid on Sunday afternoon for an official visit there. He was then set to travel to Paris for a meeting on Tuesday of foreign ministers from the coalition the United States has assembled to confront the Islamic State, also known as ISIS or ISIL.

Though maybe that's for the best, as Kerry's comparisons of ISIS to the hated ISIS splined bottom bracket interface have largely passed over the heads of his fellow statespeople:


("If we don't act now to stop ISIS, the region will fail catastrophically, and our collective crotches will be on a collision course with the top tube of destiny."--Kerry to a befuddled United Nations General Assembly.)

Anyway, if anybody ever doubted Kerry's Fredly credentials, this ought to silence them:

Mr. Kerry had left Sunday morning open in case his Saturday talks with the Iranians were extended. But those talks ended Saturday afternoon, and on Sunday morning Mr. Kerry decided to cycle a route that had been part of the Tour de France using a bicycle that he had brought with him.

Canceling a dentist appointment and then heading out for a few laps in the park because you already took the afternoon off work =10 Fred Points.

Nuclear talks finish early so you go climb the Col de la Colombière = 1,000 Fred Points:

Agence France-Presse, quoting French officials, said that Mr. Kerry had coordinated the cycling trip with the local authorities. Mr. Kerry fell as he was riding at a low speed at the start of a challenging climb up the Col de la Colombière, the report said.

And of course crashing at the start of the climb = 10,000 Fred Points.

Fortunately, Kerry is in good spirits, and I'm sure he's already planning to use the incident as the foundation for an eventual disc brake upgrade.

By the way, it's only a matter of time before some idiot declares that Kerry is being irresponsible by riding a bicycle--you know, like they already do in the Least Cycling-Friendly Nation On the Planet:


Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been advised to give up cycling or face an accident by his recently retired doctor.

Dr Graeme Killer, who was also the former personal physician to the likes of Prime Ministers Paul Keating, John Howard and Kevin Rudd, told The Australian: ‘One day he’ll come off.’

Dr Killer made the stern warning after retiring on Christmas Eve.

Right.  Because nothing bad can happen to you while you're swimming.

By the way, here's why the ironically-named Dr. Killer hates cycling so much:

Dr Killer’s son, a keen cyclist, suffered an accident that left him needing a shoulder replacement after someone opened a car door into him.

Or, maybe people could look before opening their fucking car doors.

Meanwhile, the Giro d'Italia has ended, and as you can see cycling has left its sordid past behind and entered a new era:


(Where have I seen this guy before?)

Also, there's surely nothing suspicious about Contador going for the Giro d'Italia-Tour de France double, because that surely doesn't require drugs at all:

"Partly I feel, too, that no matter how difficult the Tour de France is, another Tour de France, won by itself, wouldn't add much to my palmares. But winning the Giro and Tour in the same year would put things on another level."

Just ask this guy:


"Another level" indeed.

Meanwhile, Ryder Hesjedal feigned outrage when they checked his bike for a motor:


“It’s the stupidest thing,” a visibly irritated Hesjedal told a gaggle of reporters, shortly after his bike was hauled off into a tent after ascending Stage 18’s final climb.

And:

“It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of,” Hesjedal said. “It’s not possible. It’s just not possible.”

No, it's totally possible, and that's why they're checking.  Come on, we all saw your bike, it was spinning like a goddamn breakdancer.  Even Greg LeMond says so, and he's the John the Baptist of saying crazy shit about cycling that turns out to be exactly right:


“I know that motors exist, I’ve ridden a bike with one and I’ve met the inventor and talked about it. If people think they don’t exist, they’re fooling themselves, so I think it’s a justified suspicion. I believe it’s also been used in the peloton. It seems too incredible that someone would do it, but I know it’s real,” he said.

Just don't point out that he rode one of the fastest time trials in history or that he made a "miraculous" comeback after being shot, because there's nothing suspicious about any of that.

I do like LeMond's solution though:

“To make sure it doesn’t happen, I don’t think there should be bike changes in races. Period. Unless you have a real mechanical problem. It’d take away the suspicion. I just hope the UCI is doing the right thing. Fifty or 100 watts is nothing for a motor. If you’re say riding at 400 watts on a climb, an extra 50 watts means minutes on a climb and there’s no real weight penalty.

Not only do I love anything that makes life more inconvenient for bike racers, but the sport also badly needs more heat guns--or, failing that, Greg LeMond running around at the Tour de France with a hairdryer.

Finally, a reader has forwarded me the most sexist line of mountain bikes ever created:


Female cyclists do not generally need to push their limits, race against time and increase their adrenaline when riding rough downhill trails. They just want to enjoy the time spent in nature on the bike, and their expectations from the bike are completely different than men's. They look mainly for safe, easy and, of course, stylish bikes that have good and natural handling.

I KNOW, RIGHT?!?


Idiots.

Anyway, the bike company appears to be based in the Czech Republic, which is right next door to Slovakia, home to this guy:


Maybe he writes copy in the off-season.

414 comments:

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Anonymous said...

Hello every one my names are Ella from UK, I want to use this golden medium to appreciate Dr. UZOYA a great spell caster for helping me retrieving back my relationship with my ex lover when he ended and turned back on me for quite a long time now (6 months ago). He performed a spell for me and within 48 hours after the spell had been cast I receive a text from my ex saying that he is sorry for the pains and tears that he had caused me and that he will not do such thing to me again in his life. I was surprised but later accepted him back again. Anyone that is in the same line of problem or different one that want to contact a spell caster should happily contact Dr UZOYA now on this email address: driraborspellcaster@gmail.com OR Call him through his mobile number +13019098775

Anonymous said...

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.my wife and I got married 6 years ago and we were so much in love with each other, we have 2 kids(josh and rebecca). One day my wife came back home from her friends place and she told me that she wants us to file for a divorce that she's no longer interested in our marriage, i was surprise and everything seem to me like a joke. after then i tried all my best to get her back but there was no way. but to no avail, my heart was broken, i wondered whats happening .i was on facebook when i saw a post on how Dr Ewan helped a lady to bring back her lost husband. i was scared but because i love my wife so much and I am ready to do anything to bring her back. I decided to give it a try by contacting him via email:covenantsolutiontemple@gmail.com, So when i contacted him i narrated everything to him and he said my case is not a serious one that my husband will come back to me within 18 hours if i believe in his power.he told me to do some things to do which i did before 18 hours, my wife called me on phone and was crying for forgiveness. right now we are now a new branded family with more happiness, we are even going on vacation on xmas. please if any one of you out there is passing through same issue in your marriage, relationship issues contact Dr Ewan today or call or add him on whatsapp on +234905735398 . contact him today on covenantsolutiontemple@gmail.com now.
. I will keep on sharing the good news about this. Thanks Dr.

Jessica said...

After being in relationship with Wilson for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don't believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I meant a spell caster called Dr Zuma zuk and I email him, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: spiritualherbalisthealing@gmail.com or call him +2349055637784 you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS'

nicholas said...


Hello all my viewers My name is Julian from Wisconsin I want to use this opportunity to thank Dr clement for helping me to won the lottery of $32 million dollars.he gave me the wining number.I have been playing this lottery for the past 7 years and i have not been able to win any money i was so upset and i needed help desperately to win this jackpot lottery because i have lost so much money for the lottery.so i decided to go online and search for help then i saw so many good testimony about this man called Dr clement on how he has help people to win lottery with his lucky number he gave to people who play lottery then I contacted him also and tell him i also want a lucky number to wining too. the EURO MILLION JACKPOT,he cast a spell for me which i use to play JACKPOT LOTTERY then i used the number which he gave to me truly i won the sum of $32million dollars thank you Sir once again,dr clement you make me to have joy and i am grateful for the help you do for me i will forever recommend you to all my friends in the global world,just in-case you also need his help to win lottery you can contact him through his email almightspellhome@yahoo.com or call +2348072222356.post by""julian

Amber said...

there is this great spell caster in the states i just met through a friends description, and he have just helped me to get back my husband who left me for 2 years, I am so glad that i met with this spell caster, he is just in the US to help people and i am among those he have helped and i am telling you to also go and get hold of your own solution as he shall soon be living the the States, he said he was in the STATES to help his client. So i met with him and told him about how my husband left me.
I visited his email address, after a friend talked about how she got help from him. After contacting him, then I found out he is currently in the US.
It is even because his spell is so strong that is why someone invited him over, And through this medium he has brought home my husband with this spell powers. I contacted him, not up to 2 days, he told me that after 24 hours my husband would return back to me, and that day I was at work when my husband (Collins Mark toddle) called and said he is in the house,and i was so surprise when i really saw him and he just ask me to forgive him so that was how Dr aluda helped me to get my husband back to me so his email address is aludaspelltemple@gmail.com or call and whatsapp him on +2348063930531 if you still want him to help you solve your problems for you
I am Benson Toddle.

Amber said...

Husbands really need to be careful of other woman outside their marriage,this was a true life story that happened to me to my own notice my sister took my husband from me the Husband whom i have love so much and promise me that no woman will take him from me but all of a sudden things turned apart if not for my friend hear in USA that told me i needed a spell caster that can cast a spell to separate them maybe by now he must have went for a divorce which could have made me commit suicide because i loved him so much likewise like him also but how things turn around was a thing that surprised me.
I vowed that any thing it could cost me i must separate him and my elder sister i then collected the contact of this spell caster from my friend Mary she told me his name is dr aluda and his email is aludaspelltemple@gmail.com i contacted him and narrated the whole story to him he consulted and found out that my sister visited a spell caster that casted a spell that made him love her i then ask him what to do he told me that this spell needed to be broken so that my husband can leave her alone and come back to me the spell was broken and within three days he began to hate her that he even beat her up before he said to her that it is over between him and her right now my husband is with me again and take good care of me like he have never done before i thank my friend Mary but i own all thanks to dr aluda for bringing back my husband and i therefore for advice that if you notice any strange behavior in your marriage or your boy friend or girlfriend is cheating you contact dr aluda to know the root of it he will surely help you out and give an everlasting solution to it.his email address again is aludaspelltemple@gmail.com or call and whatsapp him on +2348063930531
Reggie Joan
Am from usa

Anonymous said...

Hello all my viewers My name is Julian from Wisconsin I want to use this opportunity to thank Dr clement for helping me to won the lottery of $32 million dollars.he gave me the wining number.I have been playing this lottery for the past 7 years and i have not been able to win any money i was so upset and i needed help desperately to win this jackpot lottery because i have lost so much money for the lottery.so i decided to go online and search for help then i saw so many good testimony about this man called Dr clement on how he has help people to win lottery with his lucky number he gave to people who play lottery then I contacted him also and tell him i also want a lucky number to wining too. the EURO MILLION JACKPOT,he cast a spell for me which i use to play JACKPOT LOTTERY then i used the number which he gave to me truly i won the sum of $32million dollars thank you Sir once again,dr clement you make me to have joy and i am grateful for the help you do for me i will forever recommend you to all my friends in the global world,just in-case you also need his help to win lottery you can contact him through his email almightspellhome@yahoo.com or call +2348072222356.post by""julian


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David L. Ollis said...

Hello,

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. For over five years I have been dealing with jealousy issues because of flirting and her having emotional type affairs with other men. I felt like my masculinity was in question and if I said the way she was acting bothered me, it seemed to make matters worse or I was accused of being controling. During this period I did state I wanted a divorce if the behavior was not going to end: texting men a night, leaving for the weekend without letting me know where she was going or not responding to messages. We do have a son and basically it's been him and I for the last year on the weekends. She disconnected completely from being a good wife and mother. In April she said she wanted a separation and I said no we need to get into marriage counseling. We did try that, but she was not very responsive and didn't give any effort. Afterward she was adamant about separation and divorce. I continued to say no and that we needed to save our family. She presented a separation agreement and I had to hire a lawyer. Because of the above behavior my lawyer suggested a private investigator. The investigator discovered my wife was having an affair with a close friend of the family who also is married with children. We know the extended families. I feel like I should tell this man's wife about what happened. This adultery has devastated me emotionally, I feel betrayed and I'm physically drained. I know my wife is passionate in terms of her sexuality, and I can't get the thought of them out of my head. It makes me question my own manhood, and I feel very inferior or that he must be a better lover or what ever. The problem is my wife pursued him. She would go to him and she lured him into this adultery. I felt this was coming for some time and could not stop it. She was not only lying to me but also to our son about what she was doing and where she was going. My family is important, my son loves her and as crazy as it sounds so do I. Can you respond with a course of action on how to proceed? I was still have a very huge place in my heart for her. so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Ahmed can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me. 28 hours later, my wife came to me and apologized for the wrongs she did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I, my son and my wife are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Ahmed. as it is a place to resolve marriage/relationship issues, do you want to be sure if your spouse is being faithful to you or Do you want your Ex to come back to you Contact.: E-mail: Ahmedutimate@gmail.com or call/Whats-app: +2348160153829 save your crumbling home and change of grades its 100% safe. I suggest you contact him. He will not disappoint you.
David L. Ollis, 43yrs, from UK

Amber said...

Is good to shear a good thing to the entire world, i am Mrs Marian Jones from united kingdom, I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my Husband return back to me, and today with all due respect i want to thank DR Aluda for bringing joy and happiness to my relationship and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my husband, I required help until i found aludaspelltemple@gmail.com a great spell caster, And he cast a love spell for me, and he assured me that I will get my boyfriend back in 48hours, after the spell has been cast. within that 48hours my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my Husband who has not called me for past 5 months now, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to be my back bone till the rest of his life with me. DR Aluda released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. As I'm writing this testimony right now I'm the most happiest woman on earth and me and my husband is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So that's why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe. All thanks goes to DR Aluda for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in situation you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you aludaspelltemple@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

HOW TO GET EX BACK.
I have something to share with you!!! There is a great joy in my heart which I want to share with everyone. My name is Isabel Martins . I had a misunderstanding with my lover several months ago; which led us to break up and he never wanted to hear my voice again. But as time went on, a good friend of mine recommended DR PEPOKO who could help me with Love Spell to get my man back. At first, I thought the idea of a love spell was strange,but was willing to give it a try because i really love my boyfriend. For the first time I was scared to contact the DR PEPOKO because I was not sure if what they did was against my religion. But my friend assured me that they only use Spell which is safe and has no side effects. I felt a little better and decided to contact DR PEPOKO on his mail (pepokolovespell@gmail.com)I contacted him through his email and explained everything to him. He said that I shouldn't worry, that my lover will come back to me on his knees begging for forgiveness. I bought an item that he told me to buy for the preparation of the spell and assured me that my lover will come to me within 48 hours in remorse. My greatest joy now is that he actually came back to me and fell on his knees begging for forgiveness. We got back together and our relationship has been better this second time around. I have to give DR PEPOKO all the credit for helping us get back to a better place than where we began. The new found love that my boyfriend has for me is incredible and i can't wait to see what the future holds for us. Do you have any problem with your loved one? Well worry no more because DR PEPOKO can provide you with a spell to get him or her back. With the help of a spell just as he helped me. Contact DR PEPOKO via email: pepokolovespell@gmail.com
or visit he Website www.pepokolovespelltemple.blogspot.com
Here is my details also if you wish to contact me personal::: isabel_martins28@outlook.com

amandajohn said...

It pains me when i see people crying or been scammed or because your lover left. why wont you give chance to the right person to help you out instead of wasting your money on other spell caster and at the end you gain noting. i was scammed several times until i meet with Dr.alabar who is 100% and genuine. i will advice you not to try other means instead contact the right person on (dralabarspelltample@gmail.com) . He was the one that finally made it possible to bring back my daughter to nomal health after i tried many means but non was effective like his

amandajohn said...

I am Amanda john. I want to write a testimony of a spell caster who helped me. I have been a frustrated woman before i met doctor Alabar. I must recommend this spell caster to everyone who needs help because he does his work. I want to appreciate him for the help he gave to me when my daughter was dying sick of epilepsy because she is blood type SS and this makes her get sick easily. When i contacted this spell caster i never knew he was the one to heal my daughter because my problem has been going on since my girl was a baby. I don't know if you reading this can understand my pain but today its a different story. All thanks to Doctor Alabar. This man is easy to contact if you want him to help you with his power, his personal email is dralabarspelltample@gmail.com or contact him on +233263660856

Ajayi Ololo said...

I am a spell caster called Dr Ajayi Ololo, I was the chief priest to this great temple called OLOLO at the age of 18years, and now i am almost 60 years old man. I am telling this to the world to make them know that this temple has been in existence for years now and we have been durable and truthful to all. Our work here is helping anybody to getting there heart desire, Over here in this temple we grant anything you want us to do for you and when you come to this temple you must see result of our work. NOTE: TO THE ONES THAT HAS BEEN DECEIVED BY THOSE ONLINE SCAMMERS, DO NOT COMPARE THIS GREAT TEMPLE WITH ANY OTHER SPELL CASTER THAT HAS RIPPED YOU OFF YOUR MONEY BY CLAMMING TO BE SPELL CASTERS. THEY ARE ALL FAKE AND SCAMMERS ONLINE THERE TO RIP WERE THEY DID NOT SOW, COME TO OLOLO SPELL CASTING TEMPLE AND GET YOUR HEART DESIRE WITHOUT STRESS. In this temple, we work with the spirits in the spiritual realm and they tell us how to solve any problem that you are facing and also i will want you to NOTE: THAT THIS SPELL CASTING DO NOT HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECT ON ANYONE, BUT JUST TO GET YOUR HEART DESIRE AND BE HAPPY. I Dr Ajayi Ololo urge you all that has the following problem 1.} We heal barrenness in women and disturbing menstruation 2.} Get you marriage to the lover of your choice 3.} Guarantee you win the troubling court cases & divorce no matter how what stage 4.} Ensure success in work and business 5.} Mental illness & bewitched 6.} Can?t sleep at night or walking at night 7.} Recover stolen property and whereabouts of people that hurt you. 8.} Bring supernatural luck into 9.} Extreme protection for those doing dangerous jobs like security guards, Bank manager, cash transporters, To mention but a few.11. Get your scam money back 12.} Bring back lost lover, even if lost for a long time 13.} Remove bad spells from homes, business & customer attraction etc. 14.} Get promotion you have desired for a long time at work or in your career.16.} Remove the black spot that keeps on taking your money away 17. Find out why you are not progressing in life and the solution 18.} Eliminate in family fights 19.} Ensure excellent school grades even for children with mental disabilities 20.} Stop your marriage or relationship from breaking apart 21.} I destroy and can send back the Nikolos if requested 22.} . COME HERE AND SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS HERE AND GET ALL YOUR HEART DESIRES HERE WITHOUT ANY-SIDE EFFECT ON IT. ANY KIND OF PROBLEM YOU ARE FACING IN LIFE SEND YOUR EMAILS TO: ajayiololo@yahoo.com . to get it solved in the next 5 to 6 hours.

THE ONLY TEMPLE WERE YOU CAN GET YOUR EX-LOVER BACK AND MANY MORE!!. Anyone that require the help of our services should kindly send an email to the following email address: ajayiololo@yahoo.com .

Ajayi Ololo said...

TAKE IT OR LEAVE WE STILL REMAIN THE ONLY TRUE EXISTING SPELL CASTER ON EARTH.
Warm Regards to all that has lost there job, lost there lovers, the ones that are battling with examination to pass, you need to win a lotto, you need to do death spell for your enemy, you want to get what your heart desire without working nor doing anything to get it, With the help of Dr Ajayi Ololo, Theses problems are solved.. Cos over here in this great temple that is know world wide as the best and greatest spell caster temple, There is no problem that do not have a solution when you come to this temple OF OLOLO. I will also want all of you to know that there are so many swindlers / scammers that has claim to be spell caster, Just to get money from those that need help. I also come to tell you to beware of these so called temples online that can never help you solve your problem. I Dr Ajayi Ololo will want to tell you all that there iS no spell caster online that can ever be like us, Cos we have helped so many individuals to get all there heart desire online. Anyone that require the help of our services should kindly send an email to the following email address: ajayiololo@yahoo.com .

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