Thursday, May 14, 2015

The More Things Change The More I Don't Care

First of all, as of this very moment, consider "registration" for the BSNYC Gran Fondon't "officially" closed:
You're probably wondering how I can close the registration to a ride that is not organized or sanctioned in any way, and for which there was no registration in the first place.  Well, "leading" a group of this size into the suburban wilderness is uncharted territory for me, so I want to make sure we can pull it off.  Therefore, I will not be responding to any RSVPs I receive after this post:


If you did RSVP before this post then you should have received details.

And don't worry, if it's not a total disaster we can try to put another ride together at a later date.


Secondly, regardless of where you ride this weekend, make sure you do so while wearing a proper pair of flatulence-filtering shorts, as forwarded by a reader:


I'm assuming these filter the odor out of your gaseous expulsions so you don't render the rider behind you unconscious, though I don't know why they're inside out.  Also, while I've heard of "shooting from the hip," I've never heard of "farting from the hip:"


It must happen though, otherwise they wouldn't make special shorts for it, now would they?




This one's called "Vélosophy," and it's a bike, and smartphones, and apps, and who the fuck cares?


"It's no wonder that cycling has been virtually the same since its invention about 200 years ago."

Exactly.  I love how the first 30 seconds of most Kickstarter videos explain exactly why their product is completely unnecessary.  Except...200 years ago?!?

Now, I was never too good at the maths, but if I'm not mistaken 200 years ago it was the year 1815, which is two years before the Laufmaschine, or dandy horse, or crotch crutch, or whatever you want to call it:

The pennyfarthing didn't even come along until the 1870s:


So yeah, I'd say cycling has changed a fuckload over the past 200 years.

Nevertheless, despite solidly establishing the utter futility of their endeavors, these Kickstarter inventors persist in foisting their unfiltered brainfarts upon us:


"Vélosophy is about urban pedaling, technology, and social footprint."

First of all, why is he in a kitchen?  Second of all, what is a "social footprint?"  Are we just putting "footprint" after everything now?  Given the excessive use of words like "footprint," "curate," and "hack," 21st century English is beginning to make Orwellian doublespeak seem like poetry in comparison.  It's infuriating.  I'm about to curate my angry "emotional footprint" right on somebody's ass.

So what makes the Vélosophy so technologically advanced anyway?  Well, it tells you when it needs to be serviced:


I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "How fucking hard is it to glance at your tire tread occasionally?"  Well, sure, but why do that when you can visualize your "pneumatic footprint" in pie chart form?


Then you can make an appointment at the bike shop:


And after you're walking away you can decide, "You know what?  I'd really like to change my bike's 'aesthetic footprint' too:"


"Oooh, yeah, my 'coolness footprint' is really going to increase with these red accents!"


Et voilà!  When you pick up the bike your whims have become come reality:


Or, you know, you could have just called the bike shop, but presumably when you do it this way it posts photos of your stupid bike to Facebook, and Twitter, and Instagram, and Tinder, and Grindr, and Hoagie, and all the rest of them, ensuring your "social footprint" remains robust and engorged.

At this point however my "indifference footprint" is big enough to stomp out the sun.

Oh, the other revolutionary thing about it is that it has a basket:


Oh, sorry, it's not a basket.  It's a "scalable system that allows you to carry your things."

I guess I'm revealing my "ignorance footprint."

And yes, good for them that they're giving bikes to UNICEF, even if that part seems a bit tacked on:


Why not just cut out the middleman and the goofy bike business and just send them a check?

Back in the olden days when we were free-range kids with no smartphones they gave us cardboard UNICEF boxes for Halloween, we took them with us when we went trick-or-treating, and people filled them up with money.  That's HARD CURRENCY, baby!

What the hell was wrong with that!?!

Speaking of our shared wank-tastic future, Strava has launched "Strava Local," which presumably lets area Freds CURATE their own ride guides:


Strava has launched Strava Local, a new data-powered and athlete-curated travel guide for cyclists available in 12 cities worldwide.

Over 38 million Stava activities and billions of GPS data points from London, Paris, Berlin, Amsterdam, New York, Milan, Denver, Melbourne, Sao Paulo, Barcelona and Sydney have been used to provide locals and visitors with the best cycling (and running) routes in each city along with top coffee stops, places to buy gear and great photo spots.

Amazing.  That's a lot of "data points."  Can you imagine if the Freds of the world actually channelled their energy into something useful?  If just a fraction of them strapped cardboard boxes to their handlebars and collected some scratch for UNICEF then world poverty would be a thing of the past.

Strava product manager, Andrew Valko, said: “City guides have long been a valuable tool for travellers and locals alike, but ours are based on actual data. We have been able to work out where, when and why athletes tend to stop, which we have used to curate a selection of Top Stops and photo spots for each of the 12 cities.”

Really?  You need 38 million "Strava activities" and "billions of GPS data points" to tell you why "athletes" (read: Freds) stop?  Everybody knows they stop for two (2) reasons:

1) To drink coffee;
2) To pee.

Wow.

Perhaps next they can explore the causal relationship between these two activities.

Then again, "Strava Local" could be the think that finally gets me to join.  I figure if I "curate" a one-way ride over the George Washington Bridge, across the Delaware Water Gap, and into the wilderness I can rid New York City of its Fred population once and for all.

Just call me the Fred Piper.

Lastly, a Twitterer tells me that Mario Cipollini was on RAI talking about motors in bikes.  Unfortunately I don't understand Italian, but I did appreciate the Italian bike rap intro:


Also, a group of people gathered around Cipollini to soak in his wisdom (and assorted other bodily fluids) is an image that transcends language:


It's like Caravaggio painted "The Last Supper" on velvet.

And here's Cipo himself:


Again, I don't understand Italian, but I can make a pretty good guess as to what he's saying:


("My glandular footprint is huge!  I don't know about the bikes, but 'Li'l Cipo' has a motor that keeps him running all night long!")

You can't spell Cipollini without "pol(e) in," and you can't cure Cipollini without Cipro.

94 comments:

chris alig said...

podio111

groanhammer said...

hammertime!

Anonymous said...

Boom goes the dynamite

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Comment to follow.

Anonymous said...

Happy Science!

PotbellyJoe said...

I wish I had a better podium footprint.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Thanks for the LOLz Wildcat Laufmaschine.

Ted K. said...

13. Many leftists have an intense identification with the problems of groups that have an image of being weak (women), defeated (American Indians), repellent (homosexuals) or otherwise inferior. The leftists themselves feel that these groups are inferior. They would never admit to themselves that they have such feelings, but it is precisely because they do see these groups as inferior that they identify with their problems. (We do not mean to suggest that women, Indians, etc. ARE inferior; we are only making a point about leftist psychology.)

Anonymous said...

Top 10 suckas!!!

BikeSlobNJ said...

Damn, I slept on the fondont! Oh well, I'll try to do better next time.

You know you're not in NYC when said...

Mr Snob, Please provide funny caption for the pic in this article

Grump said...

Watch out for "Ride Pirates", Snobby.

I really think that you should start charging for people to go on your rides. You can tell people that you were caught doping, but rolled over on the big guy, and got a six month ban. You could charge $1000 or more for a weekend "camp" where you could sit around and drink beer, while a peon you hire could ride with the clowns who paid to see you.


Buffalo Bill said...

I would have made the podium but I had to stop to pee.
[insert cipo joke here]

Anonymous said...

Solid one snobby. But when you got to Cippo, nostril milk was flying. The man is a gold mine

PotbellyJoe said...

I wish it was Memorial Day weekend this weekend.

My town hosts one of three of the stops on the Tour of Somerville.

You may remember seeing footage

The course is a 6-turn, .6 mile course that is complete with manhole covers and last year a Nissan Murano convertible as a lead car.

I'll be drinking coffee watching from the sidewalk.

Anonymous said...

Rapha!

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Better placement.


vsk

crosspalms said...

Hope you have good weather for the Gran Fond du Lac! Sounds to me like you need to make it more scalable, though, so that your interns and helper monkeys can herd the crowds. Oops, just exceeded my commentarial footprint allowance...

Fredder said...

My spies in the field report an increase of police activity, ticketing cyclists during 'Bike To Work Week'. Be careful out there.

Good one, Snob! said...

Good one, Snob!

Bouncing between differing bicycle topics, and applying the correct amount of snark to those who deserve it.

Anonymous said...

Ted K's banter is getting tiresome.

janinedm said...

I RSVP'd on the first day but didn't get any details. I'm guessing I didn't make the cut because of that time that Snob yelled at me for expressing my desire to clothesline salmon... Well, Bike to Work week has me doubling down on the sentiment. No regrets, son! I'll initiate the first "Ham Fondonut." I'l ride down to Momofuku and eat pork filled ramen and then I'll hit Dough Loco on the way back uptown. And while I won't clothesline any salmon, I'll continue to repeat my refrain "don't you dare try to make eye contact, dummy."

Eurodude said...

Cipo basically said that Contador´s bike change is suspicious, and that it could be a Gruber assist bike

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

That velosophy thing is really a wannabe old French 650b porteur... sans pedalier a clavettes. The French executed it way better too.

Looking Fondon't Forward! Sposed to rain a little on Saturday but be nice for Sunday. Yay!

vsk

RoadQueen said...

Footprint, schmootprint. Just piss on it. I call that my Pink Print.

Ted K. said...

"Ted K's banter is getting tiresome.

1. Best start pacing yourself, there are 219 paragraphs to go.

B. You don't have to read it.

III. PODIUM! is not tiresome?

K-Bo said...

YKYNINYCW @ 11:50

"Nothing to see here, just perpetuating the cycle of ignorance"

Bryan said...

@roadqueen...pink canoe??

Willy Shakespeare said...

Brevity is the soul of wit.

Ted K said...

You simpering liberals can suck my uncurated mountain man balls.

Snake Plissken said...

Unlike Cipo The 'Snake' does not dope. Well, not counting massive doses of steroids and the occasional four hour boner pill, you know the 'Snake' can only spit so many times on its own so a little chemical assist is needed once in awhile. Oh! Amphetamines for breakfast. It's great to get a head start on the day.

Does smoking dope count as doping?

RoadQueen said...

Yes!!!! PINK CANOE!!!! Babble, where you at girl?! Battle cry is in the air!!!

Anyone got a paddle?

Sammy Coleridge said...

What is an Epigram? a dwarfish whole,
Its body brevity, and wit its soul.

BamaPhred said...

I hope we get a Gran Fondont travelogue.
Best of luck, wishing I was there, etc.

Carl said...

Not that I care that much, but you sound vehemently indifferent today

Cipo's Lower Horn said...

Cipo always says, if your erection lasts for more than four hours, take a picture of it and send it to all of your friends bragging about your stamina

Freddy 'Pencil Dick' Crabon said...

Gran FonDon't morphs into Gran FondwWon't


BSNYC is a cruel master.

My question is ...

Now that participation has been limited will Gran FonDon't winner still get a DNA verified BSNYC Cleveland Steamer?

2nd place Iced Karl

3rd place Showers of Gold

JB said...

PFAR ENDO

P. Bateman said...

i kind of like TedK's posts.

also, did the Velosophy guy say i can: reinvent the bike, get more girls, go to school, and do well?

with his odd pauses i felt like it was gonna help me do all those things which i would like to do very much. maybe pile the girls into the basket?

clyde said...

Sorry Ted K. - scranus never gets old - although if you ask Tom Boonen you can wear a hole in it!

Freddy Murcks said...

I swear to God that I am going to fucking kill somebody if I don't stop seeing use of the word 'curate' when words like 'maintain' or 'assemble' would be more appropriate.

It like saying "All this vitriol has made me hungry. I think I'll go curate myself a sandwich." It sounds fucking stupid, right?

the real ted k said...

Ted Ks posts have nothing to do with BSNYC...he's just some unabomber lover spamming things up

McFly said...

I was doing a wheelie on the trail yesterday evening clipped in and "over-rotated" and left a fairly substantial ass footprint on Mother Earth.

Anonymous said...

how much service do you need to do on a single speed bike and why would you need your phone to remind you to do it? Oh that's right, now that we have smart phones we don't have to think anymore. Awesome!

Also, Ted K, your shtick wasn't funny to begin with and is not aging well. I actually miss "Podium".

unabomber said...

Who the fuck is this ted k wanker and why is he impersonating me

Jean-Francois Caron said...

I prefer philosophy from a domestic mathematician over stupid podium posts. Keep it going Ted.

Ted K. said...

"Ted Ks posts have nothing to do with BSNYC..."

True. Look through the comments here, you will not find many that are about BSNYC.

Freddy Murcks said...

McFly - I once did that in a trailhead parking lot while waiting for my friends. I landed flat on my back and had a livid bruise at the base of my spine. I think I probably would have broken my back had I not been wearing a Camelbak(tm). Needless to say, that was the last time I rode a clipped in wheelie.

Ted K. said...

"Ted K, your shtick wasn't funny to begin with..."

Well, the prosecutor’s psychological report did list lack of a sense of humor as a symptom.

Anonymous said...

It's like delivering a Pesci-kick to a puppy that just got its ass kicked, but I might add that the scalable stuff-carrying system is sideless as well, so I hope you weren't planning to lean the bike against anything.

nscadu 9 said...

you're in fine form. Great post, but how do I get my bike on Hoagie?

JB said...

Can someone with an RSVP please email me the info at:

JB@catalinasmbay.org

Thanks in advance.

Ted K Critic said...

Perhaps what you all are craving after two days with only the copy-pasted original, is some well-considered and well-written analysis?

leroy said...

My dog claims he had a foolproof plan to sneak into the Gran Fondon't without registering.

He lost interest when I told him the Sunday AM start time.

He says he'll be getting home from his Saturday evening book club meeting at around that time.

But of course he thinks it's a great idea for me to go riding with some guy who posts about leading Freds into the wilderness and leaving them there.

He asked me to send pictures.

bieks said...

I'm always amazed at what I learn here. I didn't know that Sweden doesn't use the Euro. 5500 Swedish Krona isn't nearly as expensive as it sounds. Still, having to swap out task specific baskets just smacks of effort and stuffilism.

McFly said...

I like those Fart Relief Valve Shorts. I still never trust one after mile 40.

PotbellyJoe said...

Since the dawn of curation, man has been desperately seeking his next artisanal adventure...

At one time it was ships to sail from Europe to the New World...

Now it is bike lights in the shape of testicles in the hopes that enough money can be raised that the designers can go on Spring Break...

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Those shorts look like a baboon's ass!

Snobby is peaking with today's post. The old, surly, impatient, critical of all that is mindless. Not the genteel artful prose he belches out in the Brooks blog. He is projectile vomiting his contempt for the absurdity that congests people's passion for our sport. I salute his agitation today.

I didn't get my acceptance letter for the Fondont. I am not bitter. I am used to rejection from my college applications.

Cipo said...

BSNYC heard I was going to register for Gran FonDon't and closed registration. My guess, Humongous PENIS envy. Why do the guys with the teeny weenie always have to act out in a negative manner.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

I want to commend Velosophy for thinking to put a basket on the front of a bike ! How fresh and exciting! I wish I had that 45 years ago for my paper route.

Fred Nifacent said...

PBJ - Not sure if you remeber when the 5 time gold medal winning olympic speed skater made the appearance at the "Tour". I was in high school back then and he stopped in the restaurant I was working in. That has always been a good weekend, my favorite crash corner is High & Mountain.

I miss the donut basket.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to need to un-RSVP. You are welcome Mr. Machine. A young Wesley Crusher once said, "that space and time and thought aren't the separate things they appear to be." In keeping with this idea, I will be leading a similar (solo) ride from my place leaving at high noon. We ride together nonetheless.

Satan Klaus said...

Hey...Ted K.
wanna be my pen pal?

dop said...

Just say fondon't.

I don't have the stamina to make it through the unabombers manifesto. I enjoy the mcmanifedtonuggets. Today's was worth reflecting upon. We lefties are such wankers.

Arizona hillbilly said...

Go Ted K.!

Frank Furter said...

My girlfriend is not as technologicaly advanced as the Velosophy but she has no problem telling me that she needs to be serviced.

Arizona hillbilly said...

Don't let the haters bring ya down man. I'd letcha outta prison and buy ya a roll of stamps

Not a New Yorker said...

Newspeak.....not Doublespeak

Dean Patterson said...

Basket shmasket...the rusty pos on this 1948 rod braked Raleigh I have been banging around on does just fine.

JLRB said...

Curating a Complex Solution to a Simple Problem

JLRB said...

Ted K @ 12:43
B = Truth

Anonymous said...

Well then, I suppose that Socialism departed on a bicycle as well. Do you now need a smartphone to ride?

JLRB said...

Vélosophy = GMC OnStar, but less useful

Give to UNICEF said...

I used the UNICEF coinage to buy candy that I actually liked instead of the stuff I got on Halloween. Was that wrong?

Anonymous said...

dearest mr. rock machine,

I hope all is well. I'd like this opportunity to reach out to you and enquire about any advertising opportunities you have on your blog. I have a client who I think would suit your readership. They sell bottled flatulence and flatulence inducing equipment for avid farters and alimentary canal enthusiasts. Let me know if this sounds interesting to you and we can rectally "chat" over a half-eaten papaya dog in washington square park this tuesday.

Anonymous said...

or - maybe we could "discuss" at this place on Wedkneesday:

http://momentummag.com/brompton-bike-cafe-opens-in-brooklyn/

bad boy of the north said...

stopped at a certain little brewery in da Bronx,today.
had one of their elixirs.so good..had a second one.roboicecream

TYPO NERD said...

Then again, "Strava Local" could be the think

Everythink is beautiful.
In its own way.

Offended by not-a-robot graphics!

Anonymous said...

Do I get a prize for being the only one to point out that Caravaggio didn't paint "The Last Supper" or any other last supper? Yeah, I didn't think so. And no, I'm not an art history major.

Anonymous said...

This >> http://www.geekwire.com/2015/this-smart-backpack-syncs-with-an-app-to-make-cycling-easier-and-safer/

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anon 12:32 AM -- my dog informs me you get points for the art history lesson, but Father Guido Sarducci captured full points for his Last Supper history lesson:

It was actually a brunch. The check reveals that one guy only had a soft-boiled egg and tea, while everyone else stuffed themselves. But when the bill was paid, it was divided equally. The moral: "In groups, always order the most expensive thing."

babble on said...

Oh maaaaan! I missed the Very. Best. Day. Jeez.

Road Queen, my darling, Mr Frank Furter has a most very excellent paddle. He's the man for the job.

You totally crushed this one, Wildcat. xo

Electric Bikes Vancouver said...

Amazing post. Nice smileys. I loved those comfy shorts for biking.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:32am,

We know he didn't...BUT IF HE DID AND HE USED VELVET IT WOULD LOOK LIKE THAT.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

McFly said...

What is wrong with humans? One minute you are leading a grand tour and then a camera man sticks his long lens into the peloton and you get up with a shoulder separation.

JLRB said...

I wish I could Don't this weekend - I will have to find something else to not do

Anonymous said...

Why do bike-realted Kickstarters always talk about "urban" cycling? Are rural cyclists just more self-sufficient and less in need of technological hand-holding?

Rural Person Who Is Not Bragging Just Telling It Like It Is said...

"Are rural cyclists just more self-sufficient and less in need of technological hand-holding?

Yes.

And not just cyclists, all rural people.

dop said...

I'm glad rural person took the time to post, before pulling out another one of his teeth. Don't mind the superfluous comma...it's a crutch we city use...or maybe a walking stick

Anonymous said...

Not the rural people that shop at my urban bike shop (we sell recumbents).

Anonymous said...

Shoaling and salmoning are acceptable metaphors, but footprint isn't? Why? Because you didn't think of it?

serrurier paris 12 said...

J'aime l'info utile que vous fournissez à vos articles. Je vais mettre en signet de votre blog et vérifier à nouveau régulièrement. Je suis plutôt certains que je vais dire beaucoup de nouvelles choses ! Bonne chance pour la prochaine! Aussi, visitez mon site web,serrurier paris
serrurier
plombier
electricien paris, serrurier ouverture porte paris

mark holman said...

Just an unrelated quote about road cycling! and it goes like this:

Cycling is perfect exercise for transvestites as it does not bulk up your upper body and it gives you an excuse to shave your legs.

Akhadiwi Rajie said...

Aw, this was a really nice post. In idea I would like to put in writing like this additionally – taking time and actual effort to make a very good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and by no means seem to get something done.
Visual-paradigm.com
Inmethod.com
Qubeshub.org