Monday, May 11, 2015

I would have posted earlier, but I dropped my phone in the toilet, then I lost my smart watch while trying to fish it out.

You know how sometimes you're just riding to work when all of a sudden some "Premium Rash" putz on a fixie appears out of nowhere and nearly takes you out?

Well, it's no different if the job you're riding to is the Giro d'Italia, because apparently one such putz managed to cause a crash after jumping into the peloton towards the end of Stage 2:



"If I get hold of the dickhead that had the brilliant idea of diving into the peloton on a fixed bike with 10km to go, causing us to crash…" he tweeted, adding a couple of angry emoticons.

Please note the rider above is Alafaci and not the fixie dickhead.

These kids today with their tattoos and their fancy hair, who can even tell the difference?

Details on the incident are still sparse at this point, but I suspect douchetastic international fixed-gear sensation Patrick Seabase:



Yes, Seabase's heroic exploits have inspired thousands of young cyclists the world over...to get derailleurs, because nothing looks dumber than being spun out on a fixie.

Even recumbents are dignified in comparison:



Yeah, don't mention it.

Oh, and while you're down there would you change the oil in my car?

Thanks a lot.

In other news, last Friday I posted this video:



Which includes an appearance from a certain meh-vivant and semi-professional bike blogger:


Well, after watching it over and over again because I love myself, I couldn't help noticing that not only are there other people in the video, but one of them has an actual story about how his bike got stolen, and it's well worth watching:


To many of us, it's a mystery how bike thieves manage to take advantage of us so effectively.  Therefore, this surveillance video is an invaluable tool, because it shows how all they really need is a really long bar and some elbow grease.  Furthermore, the fact that pretty much nobody gives a shit about what they're doing allows them to work uninterrupted.

Meanwhile, people are constantly interrupting me while I'm blogging, which says to me that I should probably blog while stealing bikes because that way people might finally leave me alone.

Anyway, the other interesting scene is when Brian Vines goes to talk to the police:


You'll notice that as he does a couple of men walk by:


One of whom turns to look at Mr. Vines:


And then moves further down the sidewalk, where he continues to stare and linger:


It's quite chilling.

Now I'm no criminal-ologist, but everybody knows that the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.  Therefore, it's fairly obvious to me that HE'S THE ONE WHO STOLE THE BIKE, GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM!!!

If you'd like to hire me to investigate the theft of your bike I'm available for a modest fee of only the full retail value of your bike or else the current price of a Specialized McLaren Venge-Schmenge, whichever is higher.  Rest assured I will use only the most advanced crime-solving techniques, including but not limited to psychic detection, for which I will require something that belonged to your missing bicycle and two days in a suite at The Pierre.

Lastly, in a sure sign that society is diseased, the people who came up with that bike light that looks like balls have already raised almost $20,000:


Meanwhile, Dulcie Canton barely cleared five grand:

That's just fucked up.

63 comments:

Serial Retrogrouch said...

finger bang

Vernal Magina said...

hoorj.

Ted K. said...

FEELINGS OF INFERIORITY

10. By “feelings of inferiority” we mean not only inferiority feelings in the strict sense but a whole spectrum of related traits; low self-esteem, feelings of powerlessness, depressive tendencies, defeatism, guilt, self- hatred, etc. We argue that modern leftists tend to have some such feelings (possibly more or less repressed) and that these feelings are decisive in determining the direction of modern leftism.

dnk said...

Feelings of inferiority for lagging behind Mr. Ted K.

Anonymous said...

Top 5!

Anonymous said...

Hi!

cycle

P. Bateman said...

top tan! seriously, my tan this year is hot.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten.

NYCHighwheeler said...

Sad to miss this years Gran Fondonut!

Have fun everyone!

Anonymous said...

Top 10!

Kenny Banya said...

"Archimedes"

Gold Snobby, GOLD!

BamaPhred said...

Truly the Apocalypse is upon us, vis a vis Bike Balls and Dulcie

Speaking of Balls, Mr Vines has to really have a pair to approach the NYPD whilst carrying a piece of pipe.

Looking good in the video, WCRM. I had to actually watch it to get the "needs more me". I'm slow, in more ways than you can imagine.

Is it too late to start my GFNY training plan? 10 weeks seemed a bit much for a charity ride.

The robot killer had me select sandwiches, so I will

James said...

Creepy staring skullcap dude was coming back for his bar. Just too polite to interrupt the interview with the police.

P. Bateman said...

i always thought the little grumpy old BSNYC APPROVE man was a cartoon, not a self portrait.

kidding snob. you could be a model...for the before photo. bam!

James said...

Watch the video for the stage 2 crash. At :12 you see him go under the tape and into the road. Carnage ensues. At :17 he returns to the sidewalk and disappears behind the shrubbery. :25 he reappears from behind the foliage on the sidewalk and rides away exiting frame right.

balls™ said...

If my balls glowed like that, I'd go see a doctor.

McFly said...

Bike Balls, LTD...a subsidiary of Truck Nutz, Inc.

Bryan Bracy said...

Top twenty and I commute in the drops the whole way...mayisbikemonth

Bryan Bracy said...

Top twenty and I commute in the drops the whole way...mayisbikemonth

Bryan said...

If you are going to investigate, you have to wear your Inspector Gadget jacket. I mean, it should go without saying.
I guess if your bike blogging career sputters out, you can do the job the NYPD were supposed to do for Dulcie, and become Inspector Snobber NYC

I still think you bear a resemblance to Kevin Spacey

jerry lee lewis said...

great balls of fire

ken e. said...

monday is so exciting, no thanks to me!

PotbellyJoe said...

Snob with that trench coat, you just have to get the phrase down of...

"One more thing..."

and

"There are a couple of loose ends I'd like to tie up..."

You'll do well.

Meanwhile Staring Guy is saying to himself, "A black man holding a pole talking to police, do I record this?"

Our world sucks. Happy Monday.

PotbellyJoe said...

One more thing...

Can we standardize the phrase "One Such Putz" or OSP for a jerk-off on a fixie messing up everyone else's day?

BamaPhred said...

Just to clear up a couple of loose ends:

"He repeated the comment on his Facebook page, adding: "He also caused (Marco) Coledan to crash too. I think he’d get a lot of punches..."

Please, I haven't seen fixie dude, but I have seen pro peleton fighting, and it is pretty.........fugly

bad boy of the north said...

ccsi:bikesnobnyc.(cycling crime scene investigation).in the twenties robot:pasta for you.

Anonymous said...

I just caught up with last week's posts. I wonder if the mystery stain on the jacket was caused by an ineptly blown snot rocket.

meltyman said...

Everyone give Dulcie some sugar. Come on people! (I gave twice already).

mmmm hamburgers said...

psssst! wanna see some holiday douchebaggery?

wishiwasmerckx said...

BSNYC, when your phone gets wet, you are supposed to pack it in rice. This will attract an Asian person, who will in turn fix your phone. Works every time!

Anonymous said...

Kevin Spacey? Bono all the way man!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:04pm,

I used to get that ALL THE TIME as a long-haired teen in the late '80s who was not yet balding!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Texas John Slaughter said...

My bicycle has NEVER been stolen. My bicycle has three concealed firearms. And a bad a$$ KA-BAR tactical knife.

David Olson said...

"Do the Don't"

Tag line of BSNYC Grande Fondon't promotional material and cross-over merchandising (books, hats, jerseys, 18 children).

Anonymous said...

David Olsen at 2:41 PM for (early) COD

Freddy Murcks said...

The NYPD doesn't care about Dulcie Canton, so why should I. If her case had any merit, they'd surely investigate and prosecute. She probably caused the accident. As for Bike Balls, the fist time I saw Truck Nutz I thought I'd sure like a set of those for my bike to stand in for the shriveled raisins that the steroids have given me. Wish granted. The fact that they light up is just icing on the cake.


[In case it's not obvious, the foregoing is sarcasm. The NYPD sucks, Dulcie Canton = good, and Bike Balls = stupid.]

bk jimmy said...

If you watch the video in full screen it's clear the interloper isn't on a fixie. Unless there's a second rider darting behind that grassy knoll...

James said...

Watch the video for the stage 2 crash. At :12 you see him go under the tape and into the road. Carnage ensues. At :17 he returns to the sidewalk and disappears behind the shrubbery. :25 he reappears from behind the foliage on the sidewalk and rides away exiting frame right.

Ted K Critic said...

Paragraph 10 expands on the "feelings of inferiority" addressed in paragraph 9. These feelings are posited as a fundamental driving or motivating force of "leftism" a.k.a. Blub. Since leftism (actual leftism, as well as the placeholder concept Blub) does have as one of its explicit tenets the defense of the weak or inferior, Ted K's assertion is that this attention to inferiority is caused by, or at least correlates strongly with, identification with inferiority.

In other words, people who care about the weak, probably feel weak themselves, and perhaps care about the weak only because they feel weak themselves. While a touch cynical, this view does possess a grain of truth. People tend to work on behalf of those with whom they identify.

However in human nature it is equally valid to say or as likely to observe, that a person, identifying with one thing, overcompensates by choosing to espouse the opposite. Hence someone who feels weak and inferior could just as well support right-wing fascism, which promises to eradicate weakness within the society, just as he unconsciously hopes to eradicate it within himself.

These two opposing tendencies share in common a certain insatiability: no amount of do-gooding nor persecution can ever be enough, because neither really solves the actual problem. Though it seems fascism is the far more dangerous of the two, not only because the nature of its outward expression tends to be persecution rather than charity, but because said persecution almost always involves "enemies within," particularly disadvantaged ones (e.g. minorities). This serves only to affirm to oneself that one is a coward, thereby escalating the need to persecute further, and creating a vicious cycle that is addictive in every sense.

Ted K. said...

TL;DR

Ted K Critic said...

Shorter and more readable:

"Podio"

"First"

"Je suis dans le premier dix"

"woo hoo hoo hooo"

Anonymous said...

BSNYC, I hope you used your Bononess for good and not evil. Mind you, if you were into the punk scene it might have been a disadvantage.

Professor Charles Francis Xavier said...

"... I hope you used your Bononess for good and not evil."

It would have been a very rare “long-haired teen in the late '80s” to have a super power and not use it for evil. At least once.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:05pm,

Well, there was the time I performed as him for the South American leg of the "Joshua Tree" tour...

--Wildcat Etc.

JB said...

So, I guess that means you're Irish.

BikeSnobNYC said...

JB,

It's in the mix.

--Wildcat Etc.

Anonymous said...

Just donated to Dulcie. Thanks for making us aware of her campaign! Damn. That was horrific to watch. Could have been any of us.

Just the Facts, M'am said...

"...South American leg of the "Joshua Tree" tour"

I guess in this case South American means Texas and Florida.

ce said...

When you are all out enjoying the Gran Fondon't next weekend, take a moment to think about safety, and remember: "Don't do what Donny Don't does!"

And, wear a healmeat.

Dr. Sigmund Fried said...

In the states of Kentucky and Tennessee the race is known as the Giro d'eyetalia. West Virginia too.

P. Bateman said...

texas is not the south. texas is texas and you can keep it. florida really doesn't count either but its close enough

thanks,
-the south

Grump said...

The rider in question, who caused the Giro crash was no other than gadabout Travis Tygart, looking to score a drug test on the racer, who he knocked down. When asked, Tygart claimed that he believed that the racer was really a witch.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Off today dentist in the morning, routine Dr. in the afternoon. He informed me of the obvious.

So, talking with my nephew, he's telling me he's riding the mountain bike on cool trails and some road distance and having fun. I was like "I wonder how long that trip was or what's your pace like bla bla bla".

->"Well, I'm using this thing called Strava..."

"Please burn your bike rt now."
Just kidding [insert picture on the Catalina sailboat here], I was like "OK, just be sure you keep having FUN".

vsk

Anonymous said...

I think staring passer-by guy is just taken aback by an interaction between a black man and members of the NYPD that does not involve a headlock for "resisting arrest"

JLRB said...

staring passer guy on the right is more creepy than staring passer guy on the left

I am surprised there are not more incidents with crowds disrupting bike races - people like to fugh with other people

Buzz Buzzmeister said...

I remember back in 02 when I attempted to enter the Giro. They would not allow me to drive my Fiat in the race. I said whatduhfook! You think I'm riding a fook'in bike that far. Not without a motor and some awesome pharmaceuticals. I think the powers that be spiked my epo? I woke up a week after the Giro ended. I believe I came in like 432nd. Not a bad finish for me.

Anonymous said...

he woulda been OK if he was wearing a Jade Helm-ent.

Anonymous said...

BRO !!!!!!!
A FIXIE KID RIDES INTORNO THE GIRO D''ITALIA HOT MOMENT AND CRASH DOZENS OF RIDERS AND U DID NOT SE IT!?!? WTH!???!!!

--TRFKAMTBSNYC

travis bickell said...

all the animals come out at night

RoadQueen said...

I've always thought Truck Nutz were genius. These light up bike balls are DA BOMB.

I'm not donating until they exude soft rays of hot pink, though.

schaughvn said...

no one has given Mike, owner of the Bike Station a shout out? great Mechanic he is, know him from Open Road.

Drew said...

I realize it is fashionable on this blog to bash fixed gear affectations (which, admittedly, do make ripe, easy targets), and one can debate whether a track bike is the best 'tool for the job' (it probably isn't), but purely from a physicality standpoint, I find that what sea bass and his spiritual cohorts at MASH are able to do is nothing short of deeply impressive.

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