I would have posted earlier, but I dropped my phone in the toilet, then I lost my smart watch while trying to fish it out.

You know how sometimes you're just riding to work when all of a sudden some "Premium Rash" putz on a fixie appears out of nowhere and nearly takes you out?

Well, it's no different if the job you're riding to is the Giro d'Italia, because apparently one such putz managed to cause a crash after jumping into the peloton towards the end of Stage 2:

"If I get hold of the dickhead that had the brilliant idea of diving into the peloton on a fixed bike with 10km to go, causing us to crash…" he tweeted, adding a couple of angry emoticons.

Please note the rider above is Alafaci and not the fixie dickhead.

These kids today with their tattoos and their fancy hair, who can even tell the difference?

Details on the incident are still sparse at this point, but I suspect douchetastic international fixed-gear sensation Patrick Seabase:



Yes, Seabase's heroic exploits have inspired thousands of young cyclists the world over...to get derailleurs, because nothing looks dumber than being spun out on a fixie.

Even recumbents are dignified in comparison:

("Hey, thanks for that, it means a lot.")

Yeah, don't mention it.

Oh, and while you're down there would you change the oil in my car?

Thanks a lot.

In other news, last Friday I posted this video:



Which includes an appearance from a certain meh-vivant and semi-professional bike blogger:

Well, after watching it over and over again because I love myself, I couldn't help noticing that not only are there other people in the video, but one of them has an actual story about how his bike got stolen, and it's well worth watching:

To many of us, it's a mystery how bike thieves manage to take advantage of us so effectively.  Therefore, this surveillance video is an invaluable tool, because it shows how all they really need is a really long bar and some elbow grease.  Furthermore, the fact that pretty much nobody gives a shit about what they're doing allows them to work uninterrupted.

Meanwhile, people are constantly interrupting me while I'm blogging, which says to me that I should probably blog while stealing bikes because that way people might finally leave me alone.

Anyway, the other interesting scene is when Brian Vines goes to talk to the police:

You'll notice that as he does a couple of men walk by:

One of whom turns to look at Mr. Vines:

And then moves further down the sidewalk, where he continues to stare and linger:

It's quite chilling.

Now I'm no criminal-ologist, but everybody knows that the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.  Therefore, it's fairly obvious to me that HE'S THE ONE WHO STOLE THE BIKE, GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM!!!

If you'd like to hire me to investigate the theft of your bike I'm available for a modest fee of only the full retail value of your bike or else the current price of a Specialized McLaren Venge-Schmenge, whichever is higher.  Rest assured I will use only the most advanced crime-solving techniques, including but not limited to psychic detection, for which I will require something that belonged to your missing bicycle and two days in a suite at The Pierre.

Lastly, in a sure sign that society is diseased, the people who came up with that bike light that looks like balls have already raised almost $20,000:

Meanwhile, Dulcie Canton barely cleared five grand:

That's just fucked up.